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In 2016, I decided to take on the challenge of accountability. As a Clinical Psychologist, being accountable was all about evidence-based living — engaging as much as possible in thinking patterns and behaviours that have been shown to lead to a happier, more satisfying, higher quality of life.

The following were the five key areas that I highlighted in my ‘Do You Want to Be Deliberately Better?’ Article:

1. Tuning in rather than tuning out

2. Turning towards my values rather than away from my fears

3. Maintaining an ideal work/life balance

4. Writing things down rather than keeping things in

5. Developing a growth rather than a fixed mindset

I made this declaration public as I was aware that people’s desire to remain consistent meant that I would be more willing to follow through on these targets and achieve these goals. All of them were based on solid research and were expected to have a positive flow-on effect for my long-term psychological well-being in 2017 and beyond.

While I did make some progress in being more accountable to myself, especially with numbers 2, 4 and 5, I continued to struggle with numbers 1 and 3.

Part of the problem was that I’ve always wanted to be able to do everything, and I struggle at times to prioritise and separate what is essential to me from what is critical to others. The other part of the problem is that I was working too hard, not saying no to what I didn’t want to do enough, and not leaving adequate time for leisure and socialising or even personal growth, creativity and health.

I was often extraordinarily drained and fatigued by the end of the workweek. I would spend most of the weekend recovering and trying to catch up on chores and paperwork to avoid falling even further behind with administrative duties than I already was. I was also financially in debt even though I was working full-time, and I was stressed out.

Mainly, I didn’t have enough time or space to reflect on where I was or what I needed, and when I did, I still didn’t make the necessary changes to ensure that my life was consistent with how I wanted it to be.

It’s not just me

What seemed to help me a lot was reading the thought-provoking self-help book ‘Take time for your life’ by Cheryl Richardson. She highlights the seven common obstacles that people seem to face in living their best lives. These are:

1. They generally have difficulty putting themselves first

2. Their schedule does not reflect their priorities

3. They feel drained by certain people or things

4. They feel trapped for monetary reasons

5. They are living on adrenalin

6. They don’t have a supportive community in their life

7. Their spiritual well-being comes last

I don’t know about everyone else, but I could check yes to all of these items except for number 6. I wasn’t spending as much time as I wanted with friends, but I felt well supported by them all when I did. As for the rest, I wondered, “How does she know me so well?” but then I realised how many people there are out there that must be falling into similar traps.

My aim for 2017 was to take time for my life.

Here’s how I’ve gone towards creating my ideal lifestyle so far:

• I have moved into a fantastic apartment in the city where I am within easy access by bike, foot or public transport to all of my work, sport and leisure commitments.
• I have begun regularly using the swimming pool, spa, sauna, and gym part of this unique apartment complex. As the gym here is excellent, I have saved by cancelling my external gym membership.
• I have sold my car to avoid having to pay $70 a week for a car spot, not to mention the registration fees, car insurance, petrol, parking fees, fines, and depreciation in the car’s value. This also has the added benefits of never getting stuck in peak hour traffic and more walking and bike riding to get to places, which reduces the amount of time I need to set aside for these activities elsewhere.
• I have started listening to audiobooks more whenever I am walking around the city by myself. This has resulted in me getting outdoors more, reading less inside, and opened up more time for other personal growth, leisure and social activities.
• I have finished working at Mill Park and moved into the city for all of my workdays. This means that I can get up later in the morning on workdays and ride or walk or catch public transport to work no matter where I am.
• I have cut down the days I see clients from 5 to 4, with Mondays now dedicated to maintenance, administration, health, creativity, and well-being. Because of this reduced workload, I am less stressed and more energetic. I am currently up to date with all of my administrative duties, paperwork, and continued professional development for the first time in 3 years.
• This has also helped me enjoy my weekends more, as instead of playing catch-up on things, I can socialise and relax and plan various adventures that I may not have had the time or energy to do in the past.
• Even though I am working one day less per week, by buying less stuff and reducing my expenses, I am no longer in any financial debt and am saving towards buying a place of my own.
• I have now donated plasma and platelets through the Red Cross Blood Bank three times. This can be done every two weeks and takes about 45 minutes, and really can make a huge difference for those who have leukaemia and certain autoimmune diseases.
• I have found a new General Practitioner, Nutritionist and Dentist to ensure that my physical health is going well and made the necessary appointments to assess or fix up any of the issues that have become apparent.
• I have had a DEXA scan to assess my bone density, lean muscle mass and fat. I will be having another one of these in 3 months to monitor my progress and ensure that I remain in the healthy range for a male my age.
• I have resumed monthly sessions with my Psychologist to ensure that my mental health and clinical practice are as optimal as possible.
• I have signed up for a year membership with the meditation app Calm, which will help me to continue strengthening my meditation practice. I will aim to practice this for at least 10 minutes per day to make sure that I keep trying to tune in rather than tune out.
• I have also booked in for a 10-day Vissapana meditation retreat in April and a 12-day P&O cruise at the end of July. Both of these getaways involve switching off from all technology for the duration of my stay. They will provide me with plenty of time for rest, relaxation and reflection, essential elements for tuning in and developing greater insight.

No Regrets?

Now that I’ve shared the changes that I’ve started to make towards my ideal lifestyle, I want to ask you this:

If you only have one life to live, and that life is yours, what changes do you need to make now to ensure you don’t accumulate any more regrets in the future?

In her viral blog post and subsequent book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”, palliative nurse Bronnie Ware listed the top five regrets that the dying people she cared for typically had. These were:

1. They wished they’d had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the life others expected of them.

2. They wish they hadn’t worked so hard.

3. They wish they’d had the courage to express their feelings.

4. They wish they’d made a bigger effort to stay in touch with their friends.

5. They wish they had let themselves be happier.

Remember, we tend to regret the things that we don’t do much more than those we do. So be brave, give it a go, and see what happens. If you’re not sure what you want or how to figure it out, booking in for a session with a Psychologist could definitely help!

Dr Damon Ashworth

Clinical Psychologist

“Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.” — Izaak Walton

It was 2016 when I first decided to take on the challenge of being accountable to myself. I later wrote this blog to take responsibility for my actions in an open, transparent way, do what I said I was going to do, and “practice what I preach.”

For me, as a Psychologist, becoming deliberately better is all about evidence-based living. It is about engaging as much as possible in thinking patterns and behaviours that research has shown to lead to a happier, more satisfying, higher quality of life.

The following were five key areas that I planned to focus on for 2016, with the idea of it having positive flow-on effects for my long-term psychological well-being in 2017 and beyond.

The best part is that just by stating these objectives where they can be seen publicly, my desire to be consistent and faithful to my word did seem to help me to stay more committed to achieving these goals:

1. Tuning in rather than tuning out

Too often in Western Culture, we spend all of our day “doing”, rushing around and completing tasks. We do not spend enough time “being”, simply living in the moment with whatever we are experiencing.

People tune out of their experiences by distracting themselves with watching too much TV, spending too much time on social media, or surfing the internet. They could also smoke cigarettes or use drugs, drink too much caffeine or alcohol, eat junk food, and keep busy with too much work. Some of these strategies are successful in blocking out what we feel in the short term. However, suppose you never listen to the signals that your body sends you. In that case, they will only amplify in intensity over time until, eventually, we will have no choice but to notice the message given.

Formal mindfulness practice is the best way to get the most benefits from tuning in and just being. Mindfulness practice consists of maintaining our attention on whatever is occurring at the moment in an open, curious, accepting, patient, non-judging, and non-striving way. I recommend learning guided meditations first and then practising on your own if you’d prefer once you have figured out the various forms of meditation and how they help you. I would recommend a few free apps if you are interested in learning these skills: Smiling Mind, Calm, and Headspace.

Once you have learned the basics of mindfulness, it becomes a lot easier to also engage in informal mindfulness practice, where you apply these same mindfulness principles in whatever task you do throughout the day. By tuning in through Mindfulness, the benefits include reduced stress, pain and anxiety, improved sleep and mood. There is also a higher capacity to soothe yourself when distressed and a reduced risk of a future depressive episode.

2. Turning towards my values rather than away from fear

I regularly bring up values with my clients. It is for a good reason. The way I see it, there are two primary motivators in life. We can either be motivated to move towards what is important to us (our values) or move away from the things we fear.

As first pointed out to me in Daniel Kahneman’s book ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’, most people are predisposed towards being risk-averse or more motivated by what they may lose rather than what they could gain. As a result, most people play it safe, stay in their comfort zone, try not to change things too much, and don’t take any chances, even if the potential gains outweigh the potential losses.

Most people need at least a 2:1 ratio of things being likely to turn out well before taking a risk, and some people will never take a chance unless a positive outcome can be 100% guaranteed (which isn’t a risk at all). For example, the risk of dying in a plane crash or being eaten by a shark are minuscule. However, I’ve met several people who choose not to fly or swim in the ocean because of these fears. My question to these individuals is, “What do you lose by not taking this risk?” The chance for fun? Excitement? Adventure? Considering that these values are all important to me, I’d allow myself to feel the fear, sit with it, and take the risk so that I can live a more vibrant, enjoyable and meaningful life.

All of the most successful treatments for anxiety involve exposure to the feared stimuli as an essential part of the treatment. By facing our fears, stress can be reduced and no longer cause significant distress or functional impairment. It is uncomfortable but worth it in the pursuit of a goal that is consistent with your values. By living in line with your values and not those of others, you are more likely to feel energised, motivated and satisfied with where you are at and where you are headed.

3. Maintaining an ideal work/life balance

One of the biggest traps that I see with my clients is putting off enjoyment today until some designated time in the future (e.g. once I finish uni, once I get a job, once I pay off the house, once I’ve saved a certain amount). What tends to happen in the meantime is that they dedicate most of their life to study and work and saving, and postpone looking after themselves or having fun, exercising, engaging in hobbies, being creative, learning a new skill, travelling, and socialising with others.

The Grant Study, which began in 1938 with 268 Harvard undergraduate men, is still running and collecting data over 77 years later. Across all of this data, they found that one thing was the most significant predictor of health and happiness later in life: relationship warmth. Individuals in loving relationships with close families and good friends outside of their partner were the most satisfied with life. But, of course, it wasn’t just about the number of friends or family either. It was about having those quality relationships where you knew you could depend on the other person when you needed them the most.

Making more money did correlate with overall happiness and health outcomes, but individuals with higher relationship warmth also tended to make more money. Therefore, it is crucial to spend time with others and put energy into cultivating positive relationships. Given this data, socialising with those we care about should never be seen as a waste of time.

4. Writing things down rather than keeping things in

Planning and reviewing are essential for minimising stress and ensuring that we stay on track with our goals. In the excellent book ‘Getting Things Done’ by David Allen, he recommends both a daily review and a weekly review. In these, you can go through everything and process it into an all-encompassing management system. By having everything where it is supposed to be, and either filed away or waiting to be done at a particular time and place, it is meant to ensure that our head is as straightforward as possible. In addition, it can enable us to focus on whatever is most important to us at the moment (e.g. the task that we are doing).

I recommend that my clients quickly jot down whatever is incomplete or still to be done at the end of the workday. It is crucial to follow this with a quick plan on when you can address this task and the first step that you would take. It shouldn’t take any longer than 5 minutes a day and can help make sure that you can switch off from work once you are at home. For individuals who don’t sleep well due to a racing mind, doing this same process with anything on their mind two hours before they go to bed will also reduce their likelihood of being up all night thinking.

The crucial step is to write down when you will do it (and what the first action is), rather than just making a to-do list. The Zeigarnik effect shows that our brains will continue to remind us of something incomplete until we have done it or have a plan to do it. But, surprisingly, once we have a plan in a place that we won’t forget, our brains treat the task as already being done, and the result is a less busy mind, less stress and more energy. So even if you want to finish painting the house but won’t have time until your annual leave in 3 months, write it down. Or create a someday/maybe file, and put it in there.

5. Developing a growth rather than a fixed mindset

In her book ‘Mindset: The New Psychology of Success’ Carol Dweck has identified a more crucial concept towards academic and occupational success than intelligence.

Individuals with a fixed mindset believe most of their traits, including intelligence and personality, are fixed or unchangeable. Because of this, they tend to view successes as evidence that they are amazing and mistakes as evidence that they are horrible or not good enough. Unfortunately, this means that whether they win or lose carries massive consequences because their identity is on the line with everything they do in many ways. If they experience a setback, they won’t try to learn from it or improve because what’s the point? They aren’t good enough, so why bother trying. They’ll also give up more quickly when things become challenging and demanding.

Conversely, the individuals with a growth mindset will view their performance on a task as just that — their performance, and not an indication of how smart or capable they are. Instead, they see setbacks as chances to learn and grow and improve their skills in the future. Because of this, they are happier to challenge themselves and persevere through difficulties. They are also much more compassionate and understanding when they make a mistake, rather than self-critical like the individuals with a fixed mindset.

Fortunately, you can teach a growth mindset. By praising behaviour and effort (“You tried so hard”) rather than characteristics (“You are so smart”) and viewing mistakes as an essential part of the learning process, growth mindset training increases motivation, resiliency and achievement. So even if you don’t naturally look at things in this way, it’s never too late to learn and grow.

Dr Damon Ashworth

Clinical Psychologist