Damon Ashworth Psychology

Tag: self-care

  • Mapping Your Life’s Journey: Is it a Western, Eastern, Southern, or Northern Story?

    Mapping Your Life’s Journey: Is it a Western, Eastern, Southern, or Northern Story?

    In the grand narrative of our lives, we often depict ourselves as the central character, or hero of our story. This makes a lot of sense. We are much more aware of our thoughts, feelings, dreams, intentions and actions than we are of others. Most movies that we watch or stories that we read also give the most attention to the hero.

    A hero is someone who is living an epic tale, having to navigate through various landscapes and challenges. But have you ever considered what type of story or narrative you are playing out?

    Is it a tragedy? Where things started out promisingly, but then everything slowly gets worse until you lose everything and die alone? Or is it a redemptive story? Things haven’t always been easy but you turn things around. You figure out how to live the life you have always wanted.

    Let’s delve into the idea of life’s journey through the lens of Western, Eastern, Southern, and Northern storytelling archetypes. Each direction offers a unique perspective on how we perceive our experiences and aspirations.

    The Western Story: Quest and Conquest

    Western stories are essentially about a quest or a journey toward a goal. Heroes venture into unknown territories. The protagonist is often driven by ambition. They seek personal growth or pursue a dream. They face daunting challenges and ultimately return transformed.

    Consider the film “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” (1966) or the book “Riders of the Purple Sage” by Zane Grey. In each story, it focuses on a gunslinger. In the film, the hero is competing to find buried treasure. In the book, the hero is fighting against oppressive forces.

    If you see your life as a Western story, you view yourself as a trailblazer. You are tackling obstacles and striving toward personal achievements. Your journey is marked by significant milestones, dramatic confrontations, and a sense of progression. The satisfaction comes from overcoming adversity and reaching new heights, much like the heroes who triumph in the end.

    In a Western narrative, the police take bold actions to tackle crime. The legal system is adversarial and pursues both personal and societal justice and seeks victory. Officers confront danger and wrongdoing with determination and bravery. The emphasis is on personal freedoms and the right to a fair trial.

    The Eastern Story: Harmony and Balance

    The emphasis in Eastern stories is on balance, inner peace, and harmony with the universe. These stories are deeply rooted in Buddhism, Taoism, and Confucianism philosophies. The focus is on understanding one’s place in the world. It also involves finding equilibrium and achieving a state of enlightenment.

    Think of the movies “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” (2000) or “Spirited Away” (2001). The first film has themes of honour, balance and inner peace. The second identity, growth and harmony.

    If you see your life as resembling an Eastern narrative, you care about maintaining balance. You value inner peace more than chasing external goals. Your journey will involve self-discovery, spiritual growth, and fostering connections with others. The ultimate aim is not necessarily about achieving greatness but about finding harmony and living according to your values.

    In an Eastern story, the police and the courts work to prevent conflict. They resolve disputes in ways that preserve societal equilibrium. There is a focus on mediation and reconciliation, rather than winning or punishing offenders. The emphasis is on moral conduct and social harmony. It integrates modern legal principles and structures with traditional wisdom and informal community practices.

    The Southern Story: Community and Connection

    Southern stories highlight themes of community, tradition, and connection to the land. These narratives are rich with cultural heritage and emphasize the importance of relationships, family, and communal ties. Southern stories showcase the strength found in family or community bonds. They respect traditions passed down through generations.

    Two famous examples of a Southern narrative is the movie “Steel Magnolias” (1989) or the book “To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee. In the movie, a close-knit group of Southern Women support each other through life’s ups and downs. In the book, it explores themes of racial injustice, community and moral growth.

    If you view your life through a Southern lens, you emphasize nurturing relationships. You also focus on contributing to your community. Your journey involves staying connected to your roots, supporting others, and finding fulfillment in shared experiences. The narrative here is less about you as an individual. It is more about the impact you have on those around you.

    In a Southern narrative, the police are part of the community. They will work closely with residents to help resolve issues and build relationships. Justice is restorative in nature, and focuses on repairing harm and reintegrating offenders into society. The legal system will try to uphold community norms and customs. It can be influenced by local leaders, community elders and informal networks of support.

    The Northern Story: Exploration and Self-Reliance

    Northern stories are characterized by exploration, resilience, and self-reliance. They involve journeys into harsh or uncharted territories where survival and self-sufficiency are key. These narratives celebrate strength, endurance, and the capacity to thrive in challenging conditions.

    Think of the film “The Revenant” (2015), or the movie and book “Into the Wild” by Jon Krakauer. Both involve people venturing solo into the harsh wilderness. To seek vengeance in “The Revenant”, and to seek meaning and self-reliance in “Into the Wild”.

    If you view your life narrative as a Northern, you see yourself as a pioneer facing and overcoming personal trials. You venture into new experiences, embrace challenges head-on, and show resilience in the face of adversity. You focus on personal fortitude and the ability to navigate through difficult circumstances with determination and courage.

    In a Northern story, the police are cold and unforgiving. Their emphasis will be on personal responsibility and self-reliance. The legal system will incorporate elements of survival-based justice. It will be both adaptable and resourceful, as conventional approaches are often not possible in isolated areas.

    Reflecting on Your Narrative

    Understanding which direction your life story aligns with can give you valuable insights into your motivations, values, and aspirations. Your journey could integrate elements from all four directions. It does not have to be just one. Your life can gain from having a rich and complex narrative.

    It is possible to pursue goals with a Western sense of adventure while seeking inner peace with an Eastern approach. You can stay connected to your community like in a Southern story, and embrace challenges with Northern resilience.

    Ultimately, recognizing your narrative can help you understand your life and journey better. It helps you make conscious choices about how you want to shape your future.

    You might be drawn to the quest for greatness. Maybe you are pursuing balance or enjoying the warmth of community. Perhaps you are exploring new horizons. No matter what, your life’s story is uniquely yours. Reflect on your own journey. Embrace the narratives that resonate most with you. Let them guide you toward a fulfilling and meaningful existence.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • What if Being a Therapist is Unhealthy?

    What if Being a Therapist is Unhealthy?

    The Oura ring that I use to track my health gives me three primary scores every day. When I wake up, I receive a readiness score, a sleep score and an activity level score from the day before. All of these are out of 100, with the higher daily score perceived as better. 

    To achieve a high score on my activity level, I need to move every hour during the day, not spend too much time being sedentary and complete my daily energy expenditure goal. For example, on a recent day where I exceeded the 600 calorie goal from exercise, I managed to burn 628 calories by walking 9,015 steps or 9.1km. 

     As a clinical psychologist working in private practice, I often see 7 or 8 people for 50–60 minutes each, five days a week. There was essentially no break between clients except for maybe a lunch break in the middle of the day. Which meant that there was little chance of meeting my daily expenditure goal unless I did at least 90 minutes of walking either before or after work.

    Add in the time needed to get to work and back home, plus marketing and consulting with doctors or referrers. Then treatment planning, further reading, and writing of case notes, reports and letters. It sure doesn’t leave much time or energy for the exercise I want to do. Let alone quality relationships, housework, hobbies, self-care, and sleep outside of my work responsibilities.

    Photo by SHVETS production on Pexels.com

    An Unhealthy Trap?

    “If you weren’t loved for who you were, then what you are going to do is work to make yourself loveable. And the way you make yourself loveable is to be of service to everybody else and not have any needs yourself”  

    Gabor Mate

    As a clinical psychologist, I have tested myself on many validated surveys. One that I particularly like is the Young Schema Questionnaire. It helps people determine which of the 18 maladaptive life traps or schemas they fall into most. Some of my top schemas from 2018 were: Self-sacrifice (1st), emotional deprivation (2nd), subjugation (4th) and approval-seeking (6th).

    With these schemas, the predominant traps that I can fall into are sacrificing my needs for others and choosing relationships where others can’t meet my emotional needs. I can also pretend that I don’t have any requirements and try to be what others want me to be rather than who I am.

    All of these qualities help me to be a good therapist. I can tune into what others want and need, put these things first regardless of what I want to talk about, disregard my own needs and be what others want me to be.

    But what are the personal consequences for me?

    Seeing too many clients in a week can make me emotionally drained, physically less healthy than I want to be and chronically fatigued. It can result in me cooking less for myself than I would like to. I instead resort to fast food on these nights because it is convenient and more manageable. My brain also tells me that I deserve to treat myself. So I spend more time sitting on the couch and watching TV or scrolling on the phone than I want to. I can’t be bothered being as creative or as expressive as I would like to be. And I isolate myself too much, choosing to take a break from the world instead of connecting with others in ways that I would like to.

    What do I need?

    Equal relationships. I need to put my needs at the same level as others. I need to choose friendships and partners that are as aware of my feelings and desires as they are of their own. I need them to be as encouraging towards me meeting my needs as we are towards meeting theirs. I need to be authentic and not be punished for this, even if it is different from what is traditional for society or what they want. I need to be aware of what I want and not feel ashamed of doing these activities or meeting these needs.

    While this sounds nice and healthy, a therapeutic relationship is ideally not equal. The role is to be there for the other person to help them meet their needs, understand themselves and become the person they want to be. Yes, boundaries are essential to set and enforce, but for the long term benefit of the client, not for me.

    Maybe I can look at a therapeutic relationship as equal in some way. It is at least transactionally. Nobody is forcing me to take on the role of therapist. I am choosing to do it. They are paying for a service, and I am being compensated financially for it. I enjoy helping others improve if they want to. I am also trying to be authentic as a person in my role as a therapist. However, the aim is to help meet the client’s emotional needs and improve their psychological well-being, not my own.

    A supervisor of mine once said, “a needy psychologist is a dangerous psychologist”. Therefore psychologists who try to get any of their needs met with clients are stepping away from their proper role. Furthermore, they can harm the other person if they are not careful. 

    Yes, I can learn things along the way. I can also make genuine connections with the people that I see. However, it must be about what is best for the client, not myself as the therapist.

    As long as I can ensure that my life outside of my job meets my needs, being a therapist is not a problem. However, I must achieve a healthy balance between helping others at work while having enough time and energy to help myself in the ways that I want in my life outside of it. 

    Is it possible to find a healthy balance?

    To not be exhausted from my work as a therapist, seeing five clients has to be the maximum on any given day. However, I’m not too sure if this maximum would be achievable five days per week either. Two to four days per week seems much more desirable if a healthy balance is an overall goal.

    During the pandemic lockdowns in Melbourne in 2020, I was working a lot more than that. One week, I did 39 hours of sessions with clients, or five straight days of nearly eight clients per day. On one day, I also saw ten clients without a lunch break. As all of the sessions were via Telehealth, I’m unsure if I even stood up out of my chair. Although I had the capacity to do this, it sure doesn’t mean that it was healthy for me. 

    “If you don’t know how to say no, your body will say it for you through physical illnesses” 

    Gabor Mate
    two person doing surgery inside room
    Photo by Vidal Balielo Jr. on Pexels.com

    On January 2nd, 2021, I suffered a stroke in my left cerebellum. I nearly died and was in a coma for a few weeks. After brain surgery and having part of my brain removed, the long road to recovery began. 

    I am luckily doing quite well now, only six months later. My personality and cognitive functions are essentially the same as what they were before the stroke. My balance and coordination have improved, but I will never return to playing sport at the level I did before the stroke.

    Fortunately, I have a second chance at life. I could rush back to how I did things before. However, I want to live in a way that is positive for me and my health. I want to enjoy my life and the relationships that I have with others outside of my work. 

    I want to continue helping others meet their needs and express their feelings through their therapy. I don’t want to be a different psychologist from how I have been or care less about the people I see and talk with. However, I do not want to do this at the expense of my vitality and longevity.

     I hope that I can find the balance that means that I can keep living this incredible life in a way that is enjoyable, nourishing and sustainable for me.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical psychologist

  • It’s Okay to Still Fall into Life Traps… We All Do!

    Life traps are self-defeating ways of perceiving, feeling about, interacting with oneself, others, and the world.

    If you want to get a sense of what your life-traps may be, the book ‘Reinventing your life’ by Jeffrey Young is an excellent place to start, as it goes into 11 different ones. If you want a more in-depth analysis, however, then go and see a Psychologist who specialises in Schema Therapy.

    A Psychologist has much more thorough and scientific questionnaires that can give you results on 18 schemas (life-traps), help you identify your most common traps, and show you what you can do both in therapy and outside of it whenever you realise that you have fallen into a trap.

    My Life-traps

    I have taken the Young Schema Questionnaire (YSQ-L3) three times to help identify my main life traps. The first time was at the beginning of 2014 when I was stuck in the middle of a complicated relationship while also trying to complete the last part of my Doctoral thesis and play basketball at a semi-professional level.

    The second time was in April 2017, when I was in a Clinical Psychology job that I loved. I had also stopped playing basketball at such an intense level and played with some friends (and without a coach) twice a week, which was way more fun.

    The most recent time was August 2018, where I had just finished up my work in private practice in Melbourne, Australia and was about to leave my friends and family to volunteer for two years in Port Vila, Vanuatu, as part of the Australian Volunteers Program (funded by the Australian Government).

    I want to share these results with you to show you that:

    1. context influences personality and how people view themselves, the world and others,
    2. personality and ways of perceiving yourself, relationships, and the world can change, and
    3. Even though it is possible to grow and improve over time, we all still fall into traps at times, which is okay. It’s about identifying when you have fallen into a trap and then knowing what you need to do to get out of it.

    When looking at the results, a 100% score would mean that I have answered every item for that life-trap a 6, which means that they describe me perfectly. The higher the % score, the more likely I will frequently fall into this life trap.

    YSQ-L3
    2014 Results 2017 Results 2018 Results
    Schema or life-trap Schema or life-trap Schema or life-trap
    1. Subjugation – 75% 1. Self-sacrifice – 60.78% 1.Self-sacrifice – 60.78%
    2. Dependence – 64.44% 2. Punitiveness (self) – 57.14% 2. Emotional Deprivation – 59.26%
    3. Self-sacrifice – 61.76% 3. Emotional Deprivation – 51.85% 3. Punitiveness (self) – 50%
    4. Approval seeking – 54.76% 4. Unrelenting Standards/ Hyper-criticalness – 48.96% 4. Subjugation – 50%
    5. Punitiveness (self) – 51.19% 5. Approval Seeking – 48.81% 5. Unrelenting standards – 43.75%
    6. Unrelenting standards – 48.96% 6. Subjugation – 48.33% 6. Approval seeking – 41.67%
    7. Insufficient self-control – 46.67% 7. Negativity/ Pessimism – 43.94% 7. Vulnerability to harm/illness – 40.28%
    8. Emotional inhibition – 46.30% 8. Mistrust/ Abuse – 41.18% 8. Negativity/Pessimism – 39.39%
    9. Emotional deprivation – 42.59% 9. Dependence/ Incompetence – 41.11% 9. Dependence/ Incompetence – 38.89%
    10. Abandonment – 41.18% 10. Emotional Inhibition – 40.74% 10. Mistrust/Abuse – 37.25%

    What’s Changed?

    people riding canoe boat view from inside pipe

    By looking at the table above, the green items indicate an improvement in comparison to the prior assessment, meaning that these life-traps are a little bit less powerful for me. The yellow indicates no change since the last assessment, and the red indicates a worse score, meaning that these life-traps may have a more powerful sway over me.

    From 2014 to 2017, 7 out of the initial top-10 life-traps had improved, one stayed the same, and two had worsened. Two additional traps not included in the initial top 10 had worsened and made the list (Negativity/Pessimism & Mistrust/Abuse).

    From 2017 to 2018, seven out of the 2017 top ten life traps had improved yet again, with one staying the same and two becoming worse. One additional trap (Vulnerability to harm/illness) had increased. Still, I believe this was due to the medical and safety briefings that I had been going through in the preparation of moving to Vanuatu for 2 years.

    Overall, I am less likely to fall into any life trap in 2018 than in 2014 and 2017. For example, the average of my top ten in 2014 was 53.29%, whereas in 2017, it was 48.28%, and in 2018, it was 46.13%.

    I also rated 21 items a 6 (= describes me perfectly) in 2014, only five in 2017, and none in 2018. This means that I am much less likely to get completely pushed around by my life traps. However, they still have some sway on me, especially the self-sacrifice and the emotional deprivation schemas, and to a lesser degree, punitiveness and subjugation.

    Here is Young’s description of these schemas:

    SELF-SACRIFICE: Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one’s own gratification. The most common reasons are: to prevent causing pain to others; to avoid guilt from feeling selfish; or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy. Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one’s own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of.

    EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION: Expectation that one’s desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others. The three major forms of deprivation are:

    1. Deprivation of Nurturance: Absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship.
    2. Deprivation of Empathy: Absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings from others.
    3. Deprivation of Protection: Absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others.

    SUBJUGATION: Excessive surrendering of control to others because one feels coerced — usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. The two major forms of subjugation are:

    1. Subjugation of Needs: Suppression of one’s preferences, decisions, and desires.

    2. Subjugation of Emotions: Suppression of emotional expression, especially anger.

    Subjugation usually involves the perception that one’s own desires, opinions, and feelings are not valid or important to others. Frequently presents as excessive compliance, combined with hypersensitivity to feeling trapped. Generally leads to a build up of anger, manifested in maladaptive symptoms (e.g., passive-aggressive behaviour, uncontrolled outbursts of temper, psychosomatic symptoms, withdrawal of affection, “acting out”, substance abuse).

    PUNITIVENESS: The belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes. Involves the tendency to be angry, intolerant, punitive, and impatient with oneself for not meeting one’s expectations or standards. Usually includes difficulty forgiving mistakes in oneself, because of a reluctance to consider extenuating circumstances, allow for human imperfection, or empathize with one’s feelings.

    Three out of my top four life traps have improved since 2014, but emotional deprivation, unfortunately, continues to climb with each assessment. I think that self-sacrifice, subjugation, and emotional deprivation schemas may be common life traps for people who decide to become psychologists. The therapeutic relationship is meant to be one-sided and focused on the patient or client’s needs, not the psychologist’s needs. For this reason, psychologists must get their relational needs met outside of their job and get their own therapy if needed to ensure that they can have a space about them. I wonder how these life traps will continue to evolve over the next two years in Vanuatu…

    How Can Life-traps Be Overcome?

    The first step to changing anything is awareness. If you are not aware that you are falling into any traps, it means that you either don’t have any, or you are so enmeshed in your experience that you cannot see them.

    Once you are aware of your traps, the next step is to understand them and why they occur for you. Most life traps originate in childhood typically, which is why most psychologists and psychiatrists will ask about your upbringing and your relationship with your parents in particular.

    Life traps are actually considered to be adaptive ways of coping with maladaptive environments. This means that your life traps were probably quite useful in the particular family dynamic that you had, or you wouldn’t have developed them in the first place. For example, my family often called me a martyr when I was younger because it didn’t matter what I wanted. In reality, it was just much more comfortable to let everyone else decide and take charge. Then if things didn’t work out, others couldn’t blame me. I saw it as a win-win but often didn’t get what I wanted because I didn’t speak up and then complained that my parents loved my siblings more, who were more than happy to speak up and ask for what they wanted.

    However, once you move out of the family home, these coping methods are generally ineffective. They tend to become maladaptive ways of interacting with yourself, others or the world. If I keep playing the martyr and refuse to speak up as an adult, my needs still don’t get met. As a result, I may become excessively demanding of others as a counterattack measure (not likely for me), or I may try to escape from all relationships where I need to speak up about my needs. Either way, it keeps the life trap going, and it isn’t helpful.

    I need to realise that there are relationships out there where it is beneficial for me to speak up, as people then know what I want and respond effectively to the situation at hand. It still doesn’t “feel right” when I think about telling others my wants or needs (and I’m not sure if it ever will), but I logically know that it is the best approach for me to take going forward. If I want to break free from my main life traps, I must learn to speak up reasonably when important to me (and others). By doing this, eventually, the life traps will become much less prevalent and less powerful too.

    If you have been trying with therapy for a long time but don’t think you are getting anywhere, please seek a Psychologist with experience in Schema Therapy. Also, if you are stuck in a relationship where your needs aren’t being met, it could help too.

    Learning about Schema Therapy and undergoing training in it has taught me more about my own personal life traps than anything else that I have done before and really does give me a sense of what my most significant challenges are going forward. I’ve made a lot of progress so far, but there is still a long way to go, and that is okay. I know that I will continue to improve with acceptance, self-compassion, patience, reflection, and perseverance, and I am confident you can too!

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

    P.S. For a full description of the other 14 maladaptive schemas, please click here.