Damon Ashworth Psychology

Tag: Self-help

  • The Little Things That We Do Matter Over Time

    The Little Things That We Do Matter Over Time

    “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

    – Lao Tzu

    I love the above quote by Lao Tzu. It highlights that all of the little choices in life are important, especially in the long run. Not a single option or action unless it is unusually severe or unforgivable. I’m talking about the little things we do regularly, which accumulate over time and define who we are and how others see us.

                It may be something like choosing to make your bed every morning or getting up to go to the gym before work. Or having a veggie smoothie rather than a jam-filled doughnut and caramel macchiato for your 3 pm work snack. Taking the easy or not-so-healthy option may not seem like such a big deal if it’s just the once, but what if this becomes a habit over time?

                Without realising it, you may wake up one day and recognise that you have severe sugar, nicotine, alcohol or smartphone dependency. But, unfortunately, it’s no longer as easy to stop this behaviour as you may have believed. Especially once it becomes an ingrained habit. 

    Neuropsychologist Donald Hebb famously said in 1949:

    “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

    – Donald Hebb

    It means that the more we do a particular action, the more these pathways become ingrained or more substantial in our brain. So the first time we do something, it might be a little path. But if we do it enough, it can become a superhighway, where our brain finds it much easier to repeat that behaviour than do anything else. 

                Most obese, unfit or unhealthy individuals probably didn’t expect they would be where they are. But it didn’t just happen overnight either. They started with an initial thought, felt something, experienced an urge or craving, and chose to act in a certain way. The more they repeated this action in similar situations, the more the brain learnt that this is just what they needed and that this is the correct behaviour whenever they think or feel this way.   Eventually, the action no longer feels like a choice but a compulsion. People may not even realise what they are doing until it is too late. Let alone be able to change it going forward.

    William James said something similar but offered a solution to this trap: 

    “Thoughts become perception; perception becomes reality. Alter your thoughts; alter your reality.”

    – William James

    I’m not sure if I agree with William James completely. In my experience, it is often easier to act ourselves into new ways of thinking rather than think ourselves into new ways of acting. While how we think and feel about things is vital, it is tough to make any positive long-term change if we don’t challenge and change our behaviour.

                Suppose we instead change our behaviours first regardless of our thinking. In that case, we will have more and more evidence contrary to the unhelpful thoughts or beliefs that we hold. In time, shifting these negative thoughts and perceptions becomes more comfortable. By doing this, you can shape your reality.

    Why Bother Trying to Change?

    Someone once asked me: “will you ever just be satisfied with how you are and stop using questionnaires and other measures to keep tracking and changing your life?” It seemed like a weird question, but it is consistent with how my father views life. He knows what makes him happy and does it. He’s not too worried about changing or growing. Instead, he focuses on enjoying each day, even if it’s the same as yesterday.

                That’s great for my father, and on some level, it would be nice, but I can’t do things that way. Maybe it was because I was an often stressed out, anxious and unhappy child. Or perhaps I have seen how much I’ve been able to improve my life and my relationships with others through learning, monitoring, and challenging myself over time.

    A quote by Charles Bukowski probably sums it up better than I ever could:

    “People are strange. They are constantly angered by trivial things, but on a major matter like totally wasting their lives, they hardly seem to notice.”

    – Charles Bukowski

    Some Worrying Statistics

    According to the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention, people should do at least 4 hours of moderately vigorous physical activity each week. Yet, researchers have found that the average American adult only does 17 minutes each day.

                According to the 2017 OECD findings, more than 50% of adults and nearly one in six children are overweight or obese. This figure is likely to increase further by 2030.

                In addition, the World Health Organisation says that 3 million people died worldwide in 2016 due to harmful alcohol use. Fortunately, alcohol drinking has continued to decrease in Australia since its peak in 1974–1975. However, regular teen alcohol consumption is still the most significant risk factor for problematic alcohol drinking in adulthood.

                In 2014 in the US, 6.2 million people suffered from an illicit substance use disorder. Furthermore, over 115 people die every day from opioid abuse or misuse. Moreover, social isolation and loneliness are becoming more severe problems these days. One-quarter of Americans reported that they have no one to discuss important matters with or call in case of an emergency. Too much social isolation and loneliness can increase the risk of people dying. Perhaps even more than cigarette smoking.

                The average American household watched 8 hours and 55 minutes of TV daily in 2009–2010 (the peak). In 2018, it dropped to 7 hours and 50 minutes per household, which is still extremely high. From 1950 to 2010, viewing time per household increased every decade. It became what Americans did for leisure, as documented in Robert Putnam’s sociological book ‘Bowling Alone’.

                59% of all Americans and (48% of Europeans) now play video games, including 97% of teenagers in the USA. However, a 2016 study found that 6% of gamers worldwide could be considered addicted. Another study found that 7% were problematic gamers who played at least 30 hours weekly.

                Lastly, smartphone usage continues to increase worldwide. Excessive social media and smartphone usage can result in adverse mental health outcomes. Australia is now fourth in the world regarding smartphone usage. The average for all Australian mobile phone users is 2.5 hours a day, which adds up to 38 days per year. We check something on our phones 30 times daily, and 45% of Australians now say they couldn’t live without their phones.

    It is Possible to Choose to Change 

    It’s pretty easy to see the long-term consequences of our brains wanting to conserve energy, take the easy option, or avoid pain. However, these seemingly insignificant moments can happen hundreds of times per day. In each moment, as long as we pay attention, we have a choice. We can stay on autopilot and do what is easy. Or, we can tune into our core values, ask ourselves what type of person we would like to become in the long run, and then act consistently with this vision.

                It may feel strange, different, or even uncomfortable when you start making more challenging choices and living by your values. However, that doesn’t make it wrong. For example, going to the gym will always hurt the first time you go, but the 20-minute walk you choose to do today is better than the 10km run you put off until next week. 

                Likewise, it may be tempting to say that you’ll start a new diet on Monday, but why put off making a healthy decision in the here-and-now if you don’t have to? These moments will eventually define who you become. You can begin to make a positive long-term change today.

    But What Do We Do if We Want to Change?

    Let me ask you the following three questions:

    1. Is there anything you wish you could do more in your life?

    2. Is there anything in your life you want to do less?

    3. Finally, what is stopping you from making these changes?

    If you answered YES to question 1 or 2 and don’t know the answer to number 3, it is worth exploring deeper.

  • Isolation and Loneliness: Which One Is More Damaging to Our Long-term Health?

    Isolation and Loneliness: Which One Is More Damaging to Our Long-term Health?

    Just the other day, I was having a debate with a client about isolation versus loneliness.

    He believed that social contact with others was a more significant predictor of well-being, whereas I thought how close we felt was more important for long-term health and happiness.

    In other words, he thought that the number of interactions with others was more important than the quality of the relationships. I was solidly on team quality over quantity when it came to the type of relations that we wanted in our lives.

    Because I wasn’t sure whose position was more supported by research, I further explored the issue.

    My aim in writing this post is to define the difference between isolation and loneliness clearly. I will then highlight what the scientific evidence suggests.

    Isolation

    The Merriam-Webster dictionary for English language learners defines isolation as:

    “The state of being in a place or situation that is separate from others: the condition of being isolated”

    Notice with this definition that there is no emotion connected to it. It merely indicates being isolated or separate from others.

    Someone could choose to live a solitary life in isolation, and they may be happy with their choice. Alexandra de Steiguer, a shy individual who spent a lot of time alone when she was a child, chooses to isolate herself each winter as the sole ‘caretaker’ of the Oceanic Hotel on an island in New Hampshire. For the past 19 winters, she has spent months on the island without any guests.

    de Steiguer states:

    “it’s the thing I look forward to every year… When I come out here it’s like a homecoming. All those details of mainland life just fall away.”

    She later says:

    “Being alone (has) it’s advantages. It’s peaceful, and I can use my imagination…It makes me feel connected to life (and the natural world) in a way that I don’t normally feel.”

    I don’t think I could do what she does, especially after watching ‘The Shining’, but each to their own.

    Henry David Thoreau also glorified isolation and solitude in his famous book ‘Walden; or Life in the Woods’, stating:

    “I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.”

    To write the book, Thoreau built a cabin near a pond in 1845 and lived there for the next two years.

    He also highly valued simplifying life and reconnecting with nature:

    “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

    Before you think about selling up everything in Emile Hirsch’s ‘Into the Wild’ style and moving to the wilderness by yourself, it is important to highlight two things first:

    1. Thoreau walked into the nearby town of Concord, Massachusetts, almost daily and received visitors regularly.
    2. In ‘Into the Wild’, Hirsch’s character Christopher McCandless (**spoiler alert**) dies after eating a poisonous plant and concludes, “Happiness only real when shared.”

    When solitude doesn’t involve nature and someone forces it upon you, it is often considered a devastating form of punishment. For this reason, various prisons use solitary confinement all over the world. However, prisons often violate human rights with solitary confinement. For example, the UN’s Mandela Rules state that humans must not be “without meaningful human contact for more than 15 consecutive days” (Martin, 2016).

    People would rather be out in the prison yard where they could be stabbed or beaten up instead of in isolation, making me realise that humans are social creatures. Too much time in isolation can lead to active psychosis or acute suicidality in approximately one-third of the prisoners exposed to solitary confinement (Rodriguez, 2016). It can also lead to crippling social anxiety for prisoners once released into society (Breslow, 2014).

    Consequently, I can’t help but feel that except for a few individual cases or people who are very introverted, too much isolation does more harm than good.

    Loneliness

    The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines loneliness as:

    “Sad feelings that come from being apart from other people”

    Notice the focus of the definition is on the feelings of sadness. Unlike isolation, loneliness suggests a deficit and a longing for companionship and a genuine connection that is not there.

    As JD in ‘Scrubs’ suggests, it is also possible to feel lonely in a crowded space, even though you could not be considered isolated:

    So what is more damaging — being separate from others, or feeling apart from others?

    The Village Effect

    Our brains light up during human interactions, primarily in-person face-to-face contact. Online communication and passively watching videos don’t have the same effect.

    In her 2017 TED talk, Susan Pinker looks at different reasons why people live longer, including the role that relationships play:

    As you can see in the graph above, minimising isolation and loneliness was more critical for staying alive than someone’s BMI, activity level, smoking and drinking behaviours, or even their heart health and blood pressure. While these factors are still relevant, having constant and close relationships is almost essential for our long-term health and longevity. Quantity, or level of integration, is seen as slightly more important than the closeness of relationships or quality — one point for my client.

    Either way, in her book ‘The Village Effect’, Pinker suggests that we would all benefit from the type of interconnectedness that a small village lifestyle provides.

    Pinker also believes that we would benefit more by increasing our in-person face-to-face contact and cutting back our use of technology to better connect with others.

    Alone Together

    Another fascinating book that I read in 2017 was ‘Alone Together’ by Sherry Turkle.

    Turkle’s 2011 book also highlights the difference between how often we interact with other people and how sad, disconnected or alone we feel.

    Her 2012 TED talk nicely summarises the negative aspects of technology and how it is leading to a greater sense of loneliness, even though it is easier than ever to remain in contact in some way or another:

    As Turkle says:

    “we use conversation with each other to learn how to have conversation with ourselves. A flight from conversation can really matter, because it can compromise our capacity for self reflection. For kids growing up, that skill is a bedrock for development.”

    Turkle concludes:

    “we’re lonely, but we’re afraid of intimacy. (We want) the illusion of companionship, without the demands of friendship.” (As a result, we) expect more from technology, and less from each other. (We imagine, that with technology), we’ll never have to be alone.”

    It’s pretty scary stuff when you think about it. However, Turkle’s findings indicate that loneliness is more damaging than isolation, so one point for me.

    Other Research

    Social isolation is associated with:

    • an increased risk of depression (Hari, 2018),
    • more heart disease (Barth, Schneider, & von Känel, 2010),
    • a more significant risk of infectious illness (Cohen et al., 1997),
    • quicker cognitive decline (Bassuk, Glass & Berman, 1999),
    • elevated blood pressure (Shankar, McMunn, Banks & Steptoe, 2011),
    • more significant inflammation and metabolic responses to stress (Uchino, 2006), and
    • increased mortality (Eng, Rimm, Fitzmaurice & Kawachi, 2002)

    Loneliness is associated with:

    • a higher risk of major depressive disorder (Hari, 2018),
    • increased blood pressure (Hawkley et al., 2010)
    • heightened cortisol (Cacioppo et al., 2000)
    • elevated inflammation (Steptoe et al., 2004), and
    • increased risk of heart disease, functional decline and early death (Patterson & Veenstra, 2010; Perissinotto, Stijacic Cenzer & Covinsky, 2012).

    A 2013 study titled “Social Isolation, Loneliness and All-Cause Mortality in Older Men and Women” looked at 6,500 men and women over 51 from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing between 2004 and March 2012. After taking demographics and health at baseline into account, social isolation significantly predicted later mortality, but loneliness did not (Steptoe, Shankar, Demakakos & Wardle, 2013).

    Both loneliness and social isolation were associated with an increased risk of mortality. Still, reducing isolation was considered more critical in reducing the risk of premature death than loneliness. Furthermore, loneliness did not add to the risk of early death for already socially isolated people (Steptoe et al., 2013).

    Final Outcome and Recommendations

    THE VERDICT: SOCIAL ISOLATION IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN LONELINESS!

    I am surprised to be wrong, but I am glad to have a bias pointed out whenever it occurs. I have never felt socially isolated, but I have felt lonely, so my own experience must have influenced my opinion to some degree.

    Social isolation is more hazardous to our long-term health than the subjective feeling of loneliness. However, both of these states are potentially damaging, and you should take steps if you are experiencing them regularly.

    Lifeline recommends the following strategies for overcoming social isolation and loneliness:

    • “Connect or reconnect with friends and family — staying in contact with loved ones can prevent loneliness and isolation. If your family don’t live nearby, technology can help you keep in touch.
    • Get out and about — regular outings for social functions, exercise, visiting friends, doing shopping, or simply going to public places can help.
    • Get involved in your community — Try a new (or old) hobby, join a club, enrol in a study, or learn a new skill. Try looking online at your local TAFE/Community College, library or community centre for things in your area that might be interesting to you.
    • Volunteer — helping others is a great way to help yourself feel more connected.
    • Consider getting a pet –pets are wonderful companions and can provide comfort and support during times of stress, ill-health or isolation.
    • Get support — If loneliness and social isolation are causing you distress, you should discuss your concerns with a GP, counsellor or a trusted person.”

    Engaging in treatment with a clinical psychologist could help if social anxiety or other mental health difficulties contribute to your isolation or loneliness. If not, the meetup website is an excellent resource for getting out there, trying some new things, and meeting some new people.

    As George Valliant says:

    “Joy is connection… the more areas in your life you can make connection, the better.”

  • Is Your Screen Time Eating Up Your Free Time?

    Is Your Screen Time Eating Up Your Free Time?

    How Did We Get Here?

    In the classic Sociology book ‘Bowling Alone’, Robert Putnam argues that social capital (reciprocal connections among people) has been in a steady decline ever since its peak in 1964.

    By 2000, the average American was 58% less likely to attend a club meeting than an individual only 25 years earlier. It may not seem like a big deal until you realise that regularly participating in a social group halves your risk of dying in the next 12 months.

    It’s not just the joining of groups that have changed either. For example, we are 45% less likely to invite friends to our place and 33% less likely to have dinner around the table with the whole family. We are also 40% less likely to join a bowling league, surprisingly the number one participation sport in the U.S. (Putnam, 2000).

    This overall decline in social capital has also resulted in a loss of mutual trust. For example, from 1966 to 1998, the proportion of Americans who endorsed trusting the federal government “only some of the time” or “almost never” rose from 30% to 75%. Without this trust in others, we no longer know who to turn to for help and support when needed.

    Why Has Social Capital Declined?

    Putnam believed that some of the main culprits for the loss of social capital were:

    1. The changes in family structure. More people live alone, in a single-parent home, or decide not to have children.
    2. Suburban sprawl and longer commutes. With less time, energy and interest for leisure and social activities outside of work and commuting.
    3. A generational effect. Older generations (pre-boomers) have been consistently more civic and socially engaged than the Baby Boomers, who have been more civic and socially engaged than generation X’ers, who have been more civic and socially engaged than Millennials. The only thing that Millenials do more than older generations is hours spent volunteering individually.
    4. Technology has led to the privatisation of leisure time. The more people watch TV or spend time on social media or their smartphones, the less time they spend involved in social capital-type activities. Putnam believed that TV might have contributed up to 40% of the overall decline in social capital since 1965. The internet and smartphones have increased this privatisation of leisure since 2000.

    How Much Time do People Spend on Technology?

    The 2013 documentary ‘The Mask You Live In’ has some pretty scary statistics about how much technology is consumed by male children and teenagers. For example, in the U.S., the average boy:

    * spends 40 hours a week watching television, including sports and movies.

    * spends 15 hours per week playing video games.

    * spends 2 hours per week watching porn, with 21% of young men using porn daily.

    The Potential Consequences of Excessive Technology Use

    Although some people write off the TV, video games, and the internet as harmless forms of entertainment that help keep kids safe, out of trouble and off the streets, they come with their risks and potential consequences. For example, the following data in ‘The Mask You Live In’ documentary:

    * 31% of young males report feeling addicted to the video games they play.

    * 50% of parents don’t monitor the content or ratings of video games, even though 90% of games rated appropriate for children over 10 contain violence.

    * By 18, the average male has seen 200,000 acts of violence on screen, including 40,000 murders.

    Exposure to violent media may:

    * lead to children becoming less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others,

    * lead to children becoming more fearful of the world around them, and

    * lead to children behaving in more aggressive and harmful ways towards others.

    Exposure to pornography:

    * increases sexual aggression by 22%.

    * increases the acceptance of rape myths (that women desire sexual violence) by 31%

    — The Mask You Live In

    The typical response by the content producers to statistics like these is that the content we watch doesn’t impact our behaviour.

    BUT if this was the case, WHY do we have a multi-billion dollar advertising industry?

    IF media images don’t affect people’s subsequent behaviour, WHY would commercials, or product placements exist?

    WHY would companies be happy to pay millions for 30-second Super Bowl commercials?

    BECAUSE the COMPANIES paying for the commercials and the marketers producing the commercials THINK that WHAT WE SEE IMPACTS OUR BELIEFS AND BEHAVIOURS.

    If a 30-second commercial can change our attitude or behaviours towards something, why won’t seeing 200,000 acts of violence before 18?

    Who is fooling who? The general public, or the multi-billion dollar corporations and industries?

    The Problem of Smart Phones and Digital Streaming

    Since 2013, the problem of technology has only gotten worse, and it is now eating into even more of our leisure time, as shown in this clear depiction by Adam Alter in his 2017 TED talk:

    The New York University psychologist presented data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics to show that sleep, working, commuting and activities of daily living (cleaning, showering, eating etc.) have all taken up a similar amount of time over the past ten years.

    As shown in the red (data from the mobile app ‘Moment’), what has changed is how much time we spend looking at screens. It used to be only minutes in 2007. Now our phones, laptops and tablet usage is taking up most of our free time and dramatically cutting into our social and leisure time, much like TV had previously done in the second half of the 20th century.

    Unlike TV, this has not been by accident, with today’s most brilliant minds often focusing on how to attract and sustain our attention on their games, sites, and apps. Alter explored this brilliantly in his recent book ‘Irresistible’, which I put in my top 40 favourite psychology books countdown.

    A 2017 review by Brendan Meagher on the Australian Psychological Society Website introduced me to the term ‘problematic mobile phone use’. It is “an inability to regulate one’s mobile phone use, which has negative consequences in daily life” (Billieux, 2012).

    Australia is now fourth in the world in terms of smartphone usage. 84% of us have a mobile phone, with 85% of teenagers and young adults exceeding 2 hours of screen use on their phones every day. The average for all Australian mobile phone users is 2.5 hours a day, which adds up to 38 days per year. We check something on our phones 30 separate times each day, and 45% of Australians now say that they couldn’t live without their phones (Meagher, 2017). The scariest statistic is that 42% of Australians over 18 still use their phones while driving, despite this creating a much higher risk of car accidents (Rumschlag, 2015).

    Consequences of Excessive Mobile Phone Use

    Mobile phone overuse has similarities to addictions or substance use problems, including tolerance, withdrawal, and daily-life disturbance (Kwon et al., 2013).

    Adverse consequences include increased risk of aggression, sleep disturbance (Yang et al., 2010) and physical health problems (Lee & Seo, 2014).

    It can also negatively impact relationships, lead to fewer social interactions across a week, and impair academic performance (Kuss & Griffiths, 2011).

    Is Your Mobile Phone Use Problematic?

    If you are unsure, Meagre recommends considering the following questions:

    * Do you think you spend too much time using your mobile phone?

    * Has your mobile phone use caused problems in a relationship?

    * Do people say that you spend too much time on your mobile phone?

    * Does the time you spend on your mobile phone stop you from doing other tasks?

    * Have you tried to cut down your mobile phone use?

    * Have you used your mobile phone while driving or crossing a road?

    Could You Cut Down Your Screen Time?

    If you answered yes to any of the above questions like I did, you might benefit from tracking your usage and seeing how much time you spend on your phone actively doing something.

    I bought the full version of the app ‘Moment’, as recommended by Adam Alter. I didn’t try to change how much I used my phone to get an accurate baseline for the first week. My average was 1 hour, 48 minutes of screen time a day. Less than the national average, but still not how I wanted to spend my spare time.

    I then took on the ‘Bored and Brilliant Challenge’ on the ‘Moment’ app for the following week and set the goal of less than 1 hour of screen time each day.

    The ‘Bored and Brilliant Challenge’ was first developed by Manoush Zomorodi after she realised just how long it had been since she had last felt bored, thanks to always being able to look at her phone whenever she had a spare second. She also realised that she had very little time to let her mind wander without this time of boredom, which was when she had her best creative ideas. She then decided to set a challenge on her podcast for her listeners, which became the focus of her subsequent book of the same title.

    • On day 1, the aim was to observe my phone usage.
    • On day 2, I aimed to keep my phone out of reach and in my bag instead of my pocket.
    • On day 3, the aim was not to take any photos.
    • On day 4, the aim was to delete an app that I used more than I wanted to. So I deleted Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn from my phone.
    • On day 5, I took a fake cation and put my phone in aeroplane mode to have fewer distractions during the day.
    • On day 6, I aimed to observe things that I would have missed if glued to my phone, especially while on public transport.
    • On day 7, I tried to make something creative. It consisted of me cooking a nice meal for dinner, and it didn’t taste too bad either.

    As the above data shows, I managed to pick up my phone three times less per day. My baseline was nine less than the average Australian already, but I’m glad to reduce it to 18 times per day.

    The second picture is interesting to me. My phone use took up 7% of my waking life across the challenge. It still seems too much, but it was a decent drop from 12% of my waking life the week before.

    As shown in the data above, the average person who takes on the ‘Bored and Brilliant Challenge’ creates 58 minutes more free time each day by cutting down their phone usage. That’s nearly an extra hour each day to do whatever you want. If people feel time-poor already, that might be a lovely feeling.

    Other Suggestions for Cutting Down Screen Time

    • Book social outings or join a club or sports team. Exercise is also great for mental and physical health, so combining socialising with exercise is recommended.
    • Develop a list of other non-screen activities that you may enjoy and can do regularly.
    • Stop channel surfing on your TV — figure out which shows you want to watch ahead of time and record them. It increases the enjoyability of the programs you watch and cuts down how much time you spend watching TV as you can fast forward through commercials.
    • If you use a TV streaming site such as Stan or Netflix, decide if there is a program you really want to watch and how long you want to watch it before you switch it on. Then, you can set the alarm or reminder to help manage binge-watching.
    • Stop leaving your TV on in the background or switching it on as soon as you get home. Listening to most music is likely to be more relaxing than watching TV.
    • Install the app or plugin ‘Freedom’ on your computer. Freedom helps you block specific sites you can waste time on and makes it easier to set limits for yourself.

    Conclusion

    Hopefully, with everything discussed here, you can now see the potential pitfalls of excessive technological devices, especially those involving bright screens.

    If you feel rushed, always complain about being busy, spend too much time on your phone, or want to find more time for social and leisure activities, I encourage you to consider the role that technology plays in your life. Suppose there is an area where it is becoming problematic or causing you distress. In that case, I recommend implementing any of the above suggestions or challenges to see what difference it can make in your life.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • How Do We Not Build Up More Regrets?

    How Do We Not Build Up More Regrets?

    Over the past five years, I have been trying to live my life in a way that will not accumulate more regrets.

    Most people tend to find change both problematic and scary. Sometimes, we remain stuck in a bad or unideal situation for too long because we fear what we could lose if we leave or change where we are.

    However, we also tend to regret things we don’t do much more than the changes we make. So even if something doesn’t work out exactly how you have planned, more times than not, you will be glad that you have taken a risk and given something new a chance.

    So, if you are in a difficult situation, including a bad relationship or a bad job, and are thinking about leaving but are also scared to do so, make sure that you make the comparison fair for yourself. First, compare what you might gain if you leave to what you might achieve if you stay. Then think about what you might lose if you go, but compare it to what you might lose if you stay.

    If you think about what you might lose versus what you might gain if you leave, prospect theory indicates that the potential losses will likely loom larger for you. The potential gains of you going won’t help you overcome your fears of leaving enough. You will be more likely to stay, even if the current situation is not ideal for you.

    Every decision we make has positives and negatives, so don’t forget about the negatives of maintaining the status quo or doing nothing if you are in a harmful or toxic situation.

    If you really want to leave but feel afraid, think about the positives of leaving plus the negatives of not making the change. In this way, both your approach system and your fear system will work together and push you in the same direction of making a change and running away from the current situation you are in.

    If you are still feeling indecisive, toss a coin. Then let the coin be responsible for the action you take. It might just help you to make the change that deep down you know you want to take.

    The Positives of Making a Change

    Steven Levitt from Freakonomics fame asked people over a year to flip a virtual coin if they were on the fence about something. If the coin landed on heads, the website told them to go ahead and make a change. However, if the coin landed on tails, they were instructed to keep the status quo.

    From more than 20,000 coin tosses, the most common life dilemma that people flipped a coin about was whether or not to quit their jobs. A large percentage of people were also indecisive about whether or not to break up their intimate partners. The website asked a series of questions first to help people arrive at a decision. If these questions didn’t help, the website instructed visitors to flip a coin.

    Levitt contacted each person who flipped a coin via email two months and six months after the coin toss. Those who did make a significant change in their lives reported being happier two months later than those who maintained the status quo. Their happiness was even higher six months after their decision. The results were similar regardless of whether or not they followed the coin toss instructions if it landed on heads and made the change or went against it if it landed on tails and made the change anyway.

    Levitt concluded that “people are too cautious when it comes to making a change” and probably should take action if they are uncertain about whether or not to.

    How Do I Not Regret Things?

    For me, preventing the accumulation of regrets is about trying to live my life in a way that is consistent with the life that I want—or trying to be the person I would like to be in every situation.

    Getting to this point requires a decent amount of self-awareness and self-knowledge of who I am, what I care about, and what I want.

    I’ve completed many personality tests, identified my main defence mechanisms and lifetraps, seen how my character strengths and values have changed over time and become aware of my virtues and faults.

    Now that I am aware of these things, it is easier to determine what I would like. In addition, completing the future authoring program has also helped help me to clarify what I really would like in the future.

    Some of the questions that they asked me were as follows:

    What is One Thing You Could Do Better?

    Tune in instead of tuning out. Listen to my body and mind and become more aware of what I feel and what I need.

    What Things Do You Want to Learn About?

    I want to learn more about running a successful business and private psychology practice.

    Which Habits Would You Like to Improve?

    I want to stay on top of all my responsibilities at work. I want to connect more with friends and family and ask them for help rather than doing everything myself. I want to remain a non-drinker of alcohol and continue learning new things, going on adventures, exercising, trying to eat healthily, taking my medication, and looking after my health.

    What Type of Social Life do You Want in the Future?

    I want to maintain connections with the essential people in my life, including my parents, siblings, host family, partner, daughter, family, and friends.

    What Leisure Activity Do You Want to Do in the Future?

    I want my leisure to be about being active, lifting weights, cooking well, learning new skills, being creative and socialising with those I love.

    How Do You Want Your Family Life in the Future?

    I want to be connected with them all, even if we are in different countries, share the good things and get support if needed. I also want to try to be there for as many big moments as possible and visit them when I can. Prioritise my partner and family here in Vanuatu and be consistent, reliable, supportive, loving, and caring.

    What Type of Career Do do You Want in the Future?

    I want to have a thriving private practice as a clinical psychologist. Run both groups and individual sessions and positively impact the community. I would also like to live a sustainable lifestyle where I enjoy my work and remain healthy, with enough time for leisure, relationships and personal growth.

    What Qualities Do You Admire?

    I want to deliberately and continually learn and improve. I want to be grateful, efficient, effective and courageous. I want to reflect on my mistakes, learn from my experiences, and gain wisdom over time. I want to be fully present, kind and compassionate to myself and others.

    What Does an Ideal Future Look Like to You?

    I want to be the best me that I can be. I want to help as many people as I can. I want to end up in a place where I feel satisfied and valuable and where I belong. I want to feel like my life is worthwhile and a net positive on the world. 

    I hope to save up enough money, live in Vanuatu, build a comfortable home and have a good life with my partner and her daughter. I want to make a real difference to the country’s mental health and share with people worldwide all of the knowledge and skills they need to improve their sleep and mental health.

    What is a Future that You Want to Avoid?

    I don’t want to be a drunk, obese, unemployed loner. I don’t want to fail to meet my obligations or stop striving to achieve my goals. I don’t want to be a bad influence on my partner or children or any clients that I see. I don’t want to end up in jail, commit any crimes or deliberately hurt others. I don’t like to be prideful and not apologise or make amends when I err. I also don’t want to disappoint my friends and family or be considered selfish, unkind, or shit.

    Ending the post by talking about the life that I do not want may seem negative, but remember that losses loom larger than gains. By writing down the life I want to avoid, I become motivated to run away from this, make the changes I need to achieve the life I want and not keep building up regrets as I go. 

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Can You Improve Your Gratitude?

    Can You Improve Your Gratitude?

    Out of the 24 possible character strengths in the VIA Character Strengths Survey, only five are strongly associated with satisfaction with life. People with hope, zest, gratitude, curiosity and the ability to love and be loved as their top strengths seem to have higher life satisfaction.

    Gratitude has never been a strength of mine. Every time I have taken the survey since 2012, hope, zest, and gratitude have never even been in my top 10 strengths. In fact, only curiosity has been a top-five strength, coming in at #3 in 2017 and #2 in 2018.

    But then something happened.

    I’ve already written about the details, but I suffered a stroke on January 2nd, 2021, was misdiagnosed three times, nearly died, had emergency brain surgery, and spent over a week in a coma. I was then in a hospital for over a month and spent the next six months doing regular outpatient rehab.

    It is now over a year later. Apart from some minor balance and coordination difficulties, everything else is how it was. I’m back to working as a Clinical Psychologist and, in general, enjoying my life.

    Last week, I went through different personality assessments with a colleague and re-took four tests to show them what the results would look like.

    On the VIA Character Strengths Survey, my #1 strength was gratitude. I was shocked initially, but upon further reflection, I really do feel lucky to be alive and be able to think clearly and interact with those that I care about.

    The flap in my artery that contributed to my stroke is still there. So I could have another blood clot and stroke again in the future. Looking after myself and taking regular medication lowers my risk of recurrence, but nothing is guaranteed, and I don’t want to take anything for granted. So I want to appreciate everything I can. My friends and family. Where I live. The work I get to do. As many moments that I am alive as I can.

    Life may not always be easy, but at this stage, I’d much rather experience the ups and downs and joys and sorrows than no longer be here.

    I haven’t always felt this way. For a long time growing up, I would have been glad if a stroke took away my life prematurely. But it is interesting how nearly losing your life can make you appreciate what you have more.

    The Psychiatrist and Author Irving Yalom found something similar when he worked with a group of patients with terminal breast cancer. Many even said that it was a pity that it took until they were nearly dead to start living fully. Yalom concluded that even though death is the end of us, reminding ourselves that we will one day die can enervate and energise us.

    Apart from having a near-death experience or reflecting on our inevitable death one day (practising memento mori), there are several things that you can do to improve your level of gratitude.

    The two that I have most commonly heard of and tried myself are the What Went Well exercise and the Gratitude Visit.

    What Went Well?

    For the What Went Well exercise, the aim is to get into a daily habit of noticing the positive things that happen in your life. You could start a specific gratitude journal or include What Went Well in your usual journal. I have been using the Stoic app on my phone and having this question as one of the prompts in my daily writing exercise.

    Whatever you choose to write in, take a few minutes each day to think about three things that went well during the day. It might be something that you appreciated, felt good about, or were grateful for. Ideally, this could be different things on different days, but it is okay to also say similar things to another day if you want to. For example, I kept writing down gratitude for my health, being alive, my partner, and her daughter. I’m also thankful for my family, friends, cognitive faculties, reading, walking, and enjoying nature or a nice meal. It can be whatever you want it to be.

    The Gratitude Visit

    The Gratitude Visit takes more time than the What Went Well exercise and cannot be done as often. However, even one of these visits can have a lasting impact on how you feel. Firstly, try to think of someone who has had a positive impact on your life, but you maybe have never told them just how grateful you are for the things they have done or the influence they have had in your life.

    Then, write them a letter, fully explaining the positive influence on you, and how much you appreciate them and are grateful for the things they have done.

    If the international borders were open, I would want to fly back to Australia and thank my family for their assistance following my stroke. Unfortunately, this isn’t possible because of the COVID-19 pandemic, but I want to do it the next time I get back to Melbourne.

    If you can meet up with the person you have written the letter to, please contact them and catch up together on a particular date and time. Then, when you are in person, find an appropriate place where you can read the letter to them aloud, take your time reading it to them, and allow them to respond back to you afterwards. Give each other a hug if this feels appropriate. Then be thankful that you have taken this step, try to be as fully present as possible, and enjoy the rest of your time together.

    Other Gratitude Exercises

    By browsing the Internet, there are several different gratitude exercises that you can find that I haven’t tried yet.

    You could try the Give It Up practise and deprive yourself of something you usually enjoy for one week every month. It might be chocolate one month, red wine the next month, Facebook the third month, and Playstation the month after that. By seeing how you feel with and without these activities, you might realise more about what does and doesn’t make you feel good and not take the little things in your life for granted as much.

    You could take a Savouring Walk for 20 minutes a day outside by yourself and see if you can notice different positive things that you usually do not. It might just be the intricate architecture of the building at the corner, or the smell of flowers or fresh cut grass, or the feeling of warm sun on your skin. Then see how this compares to the walks you do when you are rushing from place to place or caught up in your negative thoughts or worries.

    You could Create Savouring Rituals, where you identify activities that bring you pleasure. Then, try to savour two of these activities every day, and allow yourself to enjoy it, not multitask, and feel whatever you do during these times.

    You can also create an Awe Diary, Foster Admiration with your partner or another willing person, or try the Mental Subtraction of Positive Events or Mental Subtraction of Relationships. The Positive Psychology website is an excellent resource for more details about these exercises or the myriad benefits of gratitude.

    If you find any of them helpful in increasing how much gratitude you experience, please let me know.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • How to Predict Whether or Not a Couple Will Break Up

    How to Predict Whether or Not a Couple Will Break Up

    John Gottman is a legendary relationship researcher. He began using “The Love Lab” as his research centre at the University of Washington in 1986.

    Here, he would have couples stay in the apartment at The Love Lab, and watch as they bring up an old topic that they would typically fight about. During this conflict, he would also film the couple and measure their vitals or physiological responses.

    By 1992, Gottman became so accurate at predicting which couples would eventually divorce that he published a study on it. His findings successfully indicated with 91% accuracy which of the 57 couples would later break up after recording them deal with conflict for only five minutes.

    How Do You and Your Partner Fight?

    The main thing that Gottman realised was what we now know as conflict style. The average therapist will say that the most healthy conflict style is a validating or compromising conflict style. With this style, the partner will want to discuss the issue calmly and rationally, talk about how the couple can resolve the problem, and collaboratively develop an amicable solution that will work well for both parties.

    bench man couple love

    Now Gottman found that if both parties or people in a disagreement had this validating or compromising conflict style, it worked well and didn’t predict a later break up. It wasn’t the case if only one person was validating or compromising in their conflict style. If their partner was avoidant, volatile or passive-aggressive in their conflict style, this mismatch was more predictive of a later divorce. 

    What might be surprising to therapists is that if both people were avoidant in their conflict style, their outcome tended to be no worse than if they were both validating. So if you prefer to only focus on the good and not discuss any of the issues in your relationship, you may not need to start bringing stuff up. Instead, it would be best if you found a partner who also prefers to sweep the bad things under the rug rather than discuss any problematic issues. However, if your partner needs to bring things up, you may need to, too, if you want your relationship to be happy and work out in the long run. 

    Similarly, if your ideal conflict style is to be volatile and get everything off your chest regardless of how you say it, this can work if your partner wants to be volatile too. Again, you are likely to fare just as well as the validating or avoidant couples, and much better than if you prefer to be volatile and your partner does not. 

    Which Conflict Style Is Ideal for Your Relationship?

    It turns out that deciding upon which conflict style is likely to work best for you and your partner, and then both doing this is more important than figuring out which conflict style is best in general. For example, some relationships may work out precisely because the bad stuff is avoided and never discussed. Others may be passionate and work because each partner gets everything they think and feel off their chest. And another couple may work out because they chat about the important things without losing their temper and work together to come up with a solution while both choosing to let some of the more minor things go.

    Whether you prefer to be avoidant, compromising or validating in how you manage conflict, try to see if you can get on the same page about how to best deal with disagreements with your partner. Being on the same team about how you want to try and manage fights will give you the best chance to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. On the other hand, if you can’t get on the same team about how you want to fight, Gottman’s research findings indicate that your different conflict styles are more than likely to be the end of your relationship one day.

    wood love people woman

    If you want to learn more, Gottman has some great books that I would highly recommend reading, including:

    • The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert
    • Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
    • The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want
    • The Relationship Cure: A 5-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family and Friendships
    • The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples
    • Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Your Last

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • What if Being a Therapist is Unhealthy?

    What if Being a Therapist is Unhealthy?

    The Oura ring that I use to track my health gives me three primary scores every day. When I wake up, I receive a readiness score, a sleep score and an activity level score from the day before. All of these are out of 100, with the higher daily score perceived as better. 

    To achieve a high score on my activity level, I need to move every hour during the day, not spend too much time being sedentary and complete my daily energy expenditure goal. For example, on a recent day where I exceeded the 600 calorie goal from exercise, I managed to burn 628 calories by walking 9,015 steps or 9.1km. 

     As a clinical psychologist working in private practice, I often see 7 or 8 people for 50–60 minutes each, five days a week. There was essentially no break between clients except for maybe a lunch break in the middle of the day. Which meant that there was little chance of meeting my daily expenditure goal unless I did at least 90 minutes of walking either before or after work.

    Add in the time needed to get to work and back home, plus marketing and consulting with doctors or referrers. Then treatment planning, further reading, and writing of case notes, reports and letters. It sure doesn’t leave much time or energy for the exercise I want to do. Let alone quality relationships, housework, hobbies, self-care, and sleep outside of my work responsibilities.

    Photo by SHVETS production on Pexels.com

    An Unhealthy Trap?

    “If you weren’t loved for who you were, then what you are going to do is work to make yourself loveable. And the way you make yourself loveable is to be of service to everybody else and not have any needs yourself”  

    Gabor Mate

    As a clinical psychologist, I have tested myself on many validated surveys. One that I particularly like is the Young Schema Questionnaire. It helps people determine which of the 18 maladaptive life traps or schemas they fall into most. Some of my top schemas from 2018 were: Self-sacrifice (1st), emotional deprivation (2nd), subjugation (4th) and approval-seeking (6th).

    With these schemas, the predominant traps that I can fall into are sacrificing my needs for others and choosing relationships where others can’t meet my emotional needs. I can also pretend that I don’t have any requirements and try to be what others want me to be rather than who I am.

    All of these qualities help me to be a good therapist. I can tune into what others want and need, put these things first regardless of what I want to talk about, disregard my own needs and be what others want me to be.

    But what are the personal consequences for me?

    Seeing too many clients in a week can make me emotionally drained, physically less healthy than I want to be and chronically fatigued. It can result in me cooking less for myself than I would like to. I instead resort to fast food on these nights because it is convenient and more manageable. My brain also tells me that I deserve to treat myself. So I spend more time sitting on the couch and watching TV or scrolling on the phone than I want to. I can’t be bothered being as creative or as expressive as I would like to be. And I isolate myself too much, choosing to take a break from the world instead of connecting with others in ways that I would like to.

    What do I need?

    Equal relationships. I need to put my needs at the same level as others. I need to choose friendships and partners that are as aware of my feelings and desires as they are of their own. I need them to be as encouraging towards me meeting my needs as we are towards meeting theirs. I need to be authentic and not be punished for this, even if it is different from what is traditional for society or what they want. I need to be aware of what I want and not feel ashamed of doing these activities or meeting these needs.

    While this sounds nice and healthy, a therapeutic relationship is ideally not equal. The role is to be there for the other person to help them meet their needs, understand themselves and become the person they want to be. Yes, boundaries are essential to set and enforce, but for the long term benefit of the client, not for me.

    Maybe I can look at a therapeutic relationship as equal in some way. It is at least transactionally. Nobody is forcing me to take on the role of therapist. I am choosing to do it. They are paying for a service, and I am being compensated financially for it. I enjoy helping others improve if they want to. I am also trying to be authentic as a person in my role as a therapist. However, the aim is to help meet the client’s emotional needs and improve their psychological well-being, not my own.

    A supervisor of mine once said, “a needy psychologist is a dangerous psychologist”. Therefore psychologists who try to get any of their needs met with clients are stepping away from their proper role. Furthermore, they can harm the other person if they are not careful. 

    Yes, I can learn things along the way. I can also make genuine connections with the people that I see. However, it must be about what is best for the client, not myself as the therapist.

    As long as I can ensure that my life outside of my job meets my needs, being a therapist is not a problem. However, I must achieve a healthy balance between helping others at work while having enough time and energy to help myself in the ways that I want in my life outside of it. 

    Is it possible to find a healthy balance?

    To not be exhausted from my work as a therapist, seeing five clients has to be the maximum on any given day. However, I’m not too sure if this maximum would be achievable five days per week either. Two to four days per week seems much more desirable if a healthy balance is an overall goal.

    During the pandemic lockdowns in Melbourne in 2020, I was working a lot more than that. One week, I did 39 hours of sessions with clients, or five straight days of nearly eight clients per day. On one day, I also saw ten clients without a lunch break. As all of the sessions were via Telehealth, I’m unsure if I even stood up out of my chair. Although I had the capacity to do this, it sure doesn’t mean that it was healthy for me. 

    “If you don’t know how to say no, your body will say it for you through physical illnesses” 

    Gabor Mate
    two person doing surgery inside room
    Photo by Vidal Balielo Jr. on Pexels.com

    On January 2nd, 2021, I suffered a stroke in my left cerebellum. I nearly died and was in a coma for a few weeks. After brain surgery and having part of my brain removed, the long road to recovery began. 

    I am luckily doing quite well now, only six months later. My personality and cognitive functions are essentially the same as what they were before the stroke. My balance and coordination have improved, but I will never return to playing sport at the level I did before the stroke.

    Fortunately, I have a second chance at life. I could rush back to how I did things before. However, I want to live in a way that is positive for me and my health. I want to enjoy my life and the relationships that I have with others outside of my work. 

    I want to continue helping others meet their needs and express their feelings through their therapy. I don’t want to be a different psychologist from how I have been or care less about the people I see and talk with. However, I do not want to do this at the expense of my vitality and longevity.

     I hope that I can find the balance that means that I can keep living this incredible life in a way that is enjoyable, nourishing and sustainable for me.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical psychologist

  • Are You Looking After Both of Your Selves?

    Are You Looking After Both of Your Selves?

    Imagine that you could go on a holiday to anywhere that you want to go in the world. However, you couldn’t take any pictures or tell anyone what you got up to while you were away or afterwards?

    Furthermore, you can only experience the holiday while away and feel all the emotions you do in the present. Once the holiday is over, you will have no memory of where you went or what it was like.

    Where would you go, and what would you do?

    Next, imagine that the trip has no limitations. It is just like any other holiday that you have been on, except you have no budget. So you can take as many photos and videos as your heart desires and look back on these as much as you want.

    You can tell whoever you want to, both during the trip and for the rest of your life afterwards. You can also think back and reminisce about the trip and your memories of it as much as you would like to in the future.

    Where would you go, and what would you do?

    Would your dream holiday be the same in the first situation as it is in the second scenario? If so, do you know why? If not, why?

    For the first example, I want something fun, easy, pleasurable and relaxing. I want a resort with a pool and a spa, tasty food, 27-degree sunny weather, a cozy bed and a comfortable recliner. The resort would have a nice view, maybe of the ocean, or the mountainside. If other people came, they would have to be okay relaxing and occasionally chatting or playing a game. All cleaning and washing and any chores would all be done for me. And I could enjoy each moment as much as possible without any sign of difficulty or personal strain.

    For the second example, now a hike to the Himalayas or Macchu Picchu seems more appealing. More movement, more effort, some beautiful scenery and remarkable experiences. Having a few celebrities who come on the trek is suddenly more enticing because now I can take some snaps and share this with friends or on my social media. Alongside all of the effort that I put into the trip and the natural beauty of the place. Flying first class may even be worth it if I take some videos and photos to show off to everyone else.

    Experiential vs Narrative Self

    If I’m not going to remember the holiday or talk to others about how it was, why would I bother splashing out on heaps of money or putting in a lot of effort or even hanging out with celebrities? Comfort, ease, and enjoyment become the highest priorities. The things that make for a good story, memory or Instagram post become less so.

    This is one of the biggest dilemmas that we all have inside of us.

    We have the part of ourselves that wants to enjoy the moment as much as possible. This is the experiential self. It usually wants to do an activity that requires the least effort and is enjoyable in the short term. This is often why people procrastinate, play video games, lie on the couch, watch TV or a movie, eat junk food, etc. To this part of ourselves, it doesn’t matter if the activity is beneficial to us in the long run as long as it feels good at the moment.

    EXPERIENTIAL SELF

    Want to doHave to doWant to doHave to do
    Enjoy in the short-termYESYESNONO
    Find beneficial in the long-run????

    But we also have the part of ourselves that cares about the stories we tell about our lives to ourselves and others. This is the narrative self. It wants to do activities that are challenging, meaningful and worthwhile in the long run. Doing housework, working hard, eating healthily, exercising consistently, and child-rearing may not always be fun from moment to moment. However, they help us become what we want to tell ourselves and others that we are over time. House proud, successful, fit, healthy, and a good parent. To this part of ourselves, it cares much less about how enjoyable something is in the moment as long as it helps us tell the story about who we are and what we have done.

    NARRATIVE SELF

    Want to doHave to doWant to doHave to do
    Enjoy in the short-term????
    Find beneficial in the long-runYESYESNONO

    Because these two parts of ourselves seem so different, it can be quite hard to keep them both happy.

    Several clients I have seen prioritise the experiential self over the narrative self. They spend most of their day doing enjoyable things at the expense of anything perceived as challenging or uncomfortable. Their experiential self is satisfied, but their narrative self is not. Over time, they are likely to become more and more dissatisfied with where they are in their lives or the story they tell.

    The opposite can also happen but is seen less frequently. These individuals work all the time, never eat any junk food, or let themselves relax and have fun. Instead, they clean all the time, put the kids first nonstop, exercise excessively, and never give themselves a break. As a result, their narrative self can view themselves positively and share this with others, but their experiential self is miserable.

    Want to do vs Have to do

    To see if you could obtain a better balance in your life, ask yourself some of the following questions:

    • What are the things that you have to do in this life?
    • Which of these chores/responsibilities do you enjoy doing in the short term while you are doing them?
    • Which of these chores/responsibilities can you look back at once they are finished and feel glad that you have completed them?
    • Do any of these chores/responsibilities tick both boxes and are fun at the moment and consistent with who you want to be in the long run? Can you do more of these and less of other chores and responsibilities that don’t tick these boxes?
    • Are there any chores/responsibilities that are not enjoyable and don’t help you feel like you are the person you want to be in the long run? In other words, is there anything that you only do because you worry about what others would think if you don’t do them? Can you do less of these chores and responsibilities in your life by not doing them as much? Could you pay someone else to do them or negotiate with someone you live with to do these tasks more in exchange for you doing more of other chores and responsibilities that you enjoy and maybe they don’t?
    • What are the things that you want to do in your life?
    • Which of these activities do you also enjoy doing while you are doing them? Are you doing these things as often as you would like to? Or are you doing them too much for what feels like a good balance? Or too little?
    • Which of these activities do you not enjoy while doing them, but you can look back at them once they are finished and feel glad that you have done them? Are you doing these things in your life as often as you would like to?
    • Which of these activities do you find both enjoyable in the moment and consistent with the person you would like to be in the long run? Do you schedule enough time in your life for these sweet-spot activities?

    How balanced does your life feel between your want-to-dos and your have-to-dos?

    If your have-to-do responsibilities far outweigh your want-to-do activities, you are unlikely to be as happy and as satisfied with your life as you would like to be.

    This is likely to be the same if you are doing many things only because you worry about what others would think if you didn’t do them. For example, if you hate cleaning and ironing and can afford to pay someone to do these tasks for you weekly so that you don’t have to worry about them, what difference could that make to how you feel? Furthermore, what could you do that you might find more rewarding with the newfound time, energy and mental space you would have?

    If you are lucky enough to have at least one sweet spot activity, you will find these tasks the easiest to put your energy into and get better at over time.

    Sometimes people call these activities their passions, and they will be the easiest activities for you to persevere at for a long time. This can be how I feel editing movies or playing sport, or snow-skiing. I enjoy myself, am no longer in my head, and am fully immersed in the task. Then, before I know it, a long time has passed, and it is lunchtime or the end of the day.

    I’m sure that you have heard the famous quote: “Find something you love to do, and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.” If anything helps you feel this way or get into a state of flow regularly, you won’t regret making it a priority in your life.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychology

  • What Are the Virtues and Faults of Your Personality Style?

    What Are the Virtues and Faults of Your Personality Style?

    The five factor personality model has been researched and written about extensively. If you have never taken a Big Five Aspects Scale before, you can find out what your results are for under $10 at the Understand Myself website. A free version called the IPIP-NEO can also be found here.

    black psychologist with african american client

    Main Findings Based on the Five-Factor Personality Model

    Judge, Heller & Mount (2002) found that highly conscientious people are most satisfied with their job (.26 correlation), followed by highly extraverted people (.25 correlation), then highly agreeable people (.17 correlation), then those who are high on openness to experience (.02 correlation) People high on neuroticism were negatively correlated with job satisfaction (-.29 correlation). My introversion is the only aspect that may negatively impact how much I enjoy a job.

    For academic performance, Poropat (2009) found that agreeableness, conscientiousness and openness to experience correlate significantly to academic performance. Conscientiousness was related to academic performance in a way that was largely independent of intelligence. My personality style likely helped me to do well in school and complete eight years of university studies.

    For intimate relationship satisfaction, Malouff, Thorsteinsson, Schutte, Bhullar and Rooke (2009) found that low neuroticism, high agreeableness, high conscientiousness and high extraversion were all correlated with greater relationship satisfaction. These variables did not vary significantly from men to women or from unmarried to married individuals. Unfortunately, my introversion and low enthusiasm in particular make it a bit harder for me to be satisfied in intimate relationships.

    For citizenship, Chiaburu, Oh, Berry, Li, and Gardner (2011) found that people that are low in neuroticism, high in extraversion and high in openness to experience are more likely to engage in more individual, organization and change-oriented citizenship. Again, not being too extraverted and enthusiastic holds me back a little here.

    For occupational type, Barrick, Mount and Gupta (2006) found that extraverts are most likely to enter an enterprising career (.41 correlation). People that are high on openness to experience are most likely to enter an artistic career (.39 correlation). Some say therapy is more art than science, which may indicate why I have chosen this over a career in research.

    For clinical disorders, Malouff, Thorsteinsson and Schutte (2004) found that psychological disorders are more closely linked with high neuroticism, low conscientiousness, low agreeableness and low extraversion. Healthy populations in comparison to clinical populations show higher levels of extraversion and lower levels of neuroticism. Again, my introversion puts me at a greater risk.

    For alcohol abuse, Malouff, Thorsteinsson, Rooke and Schutte (2007) found that people that are low on conscientiousness, low on agreeableness and high on neuroticism are more likely to have difficulties with alcohol. These individuals are less likely to improve through treatment. Another meta-analytic finding by Malouff, Thorsteinsson and Schutte (2006) found that these three factors are also significantly related to smoking prevalence. Never smoked, but have drunk more than I should have at times. If I want to cut down, my personality style should help me.

    For physical activity, Sutin and colleagues (2016) found that lower neuroticism and higher conscientiousness is associated with more physical activity and less sedentary behaviour. Higher extraversion and more openness to experience is also associated with more physical activity ,and that these variables don’t change much based on age or sex. Consequently, being a bit introverted is the only factor that lets me down.

    For workplace harassment, highly neurotic people are most likely to be exposed to workplace harassment (.25 correlation), with highly extraverted and conscientious people least likely to be harassed (.10 correlation). I thought Susan Cain said it was good to be an introvert in her book ‘Quiet’, but there doesn’t seem to be much that is positively linked with Introversion?

    black and white people bar men

    What About Individual Faults and Virtues?

    Even though across the population as a whole there seems to be benefits to being extraverted, agreeable, conscientious, open to experience and not neurotic, there are advantages and disadvantages to each trait, particularly at the extremes.

    Extremely sociable, extraverted people can be dominant and impulsive, while introverted, quiet people can easily become isolated and depressed.

    Extremely open people can be scattered and overwhelmed by their own thoughts and ideas, while closed-minded people may become narrow and inflexible.

    Exceptionally conscientious people can be obsessive about order, judgmental and rigid, while their more carefree counterparts may be messy, undisciplined and careless.

    People very high in emotional stability may engage in risky, dangerous behaviour, while those who are more neurotic can become so preoccupied by anxiety and pain that they are unable to function.

    Finally, extremely agreeable people may never stand up for themselves, while those who are too disagreeable can be aggressive, callous and bullying.

    To find out your individual faults and virtues on each of the five personality factors, the Self Authoring program can help you to clarify your own personal traits and help you to clarify what you would like to strengthen and improve. Below are my results:

    Extraversion/Introversion Faults

    • Can spend too much money
    • Keep in the background
    • Lose opportunities because I am too isolated
    • Am too quiet around strangers
    • Find it difficult to approach others
    • Bottle up my feelings
    • Feel drained by social interactions
    • Have a social circle that is too small

    Extraversion/Introversion Virtues

    • Feel comfortable around people
    • Don’t mind being the center of attention
    • Can take charge and lead
    • Am skilled in handling social situations
    • Am often happy
    • Can listen well
    • Do not always talk about myself
    • Enjoy time in natural surroundings
    • Let other people have the spotlight
    • Think before I act

    Agreeable/Assertive Faults

    • Avoid conflict even when it is necessary
    • Will sacrifice my own feelings for the comfort of others
    • Can bottle up my feelings until I become resentful
    • Am polite to a fault
    • Trust people too easily
    • Can be detached and cold when others are hurt and upset

    Agreeable/Assertive Virtues

    • Trust people
    • Am interested in people
    • Feel others’ emotions
    • Inquire genuinely about others’ well-being
    • Know how to comfort others
    • Make people feel at ease
    • Am a good peacemaker
    • Am aware that malevolence exists in the world

    Conscientiousness/Carelessness Faults

    • Get obsessed with details and lose the big picture
    • Cannot stand to be late for an appointment
    • Feel that I am being unproductive if I relax
    • Believe that I have to be flawless
    • Can be contemptuous of other people and of myself
    • Find it difficult to get down to work
    • Neglect my duties
    • Frequently make excuses
    • Am sometimes willing to bend the truth to get out of an obligation
    • Feel unmotivated to complete my work

    Conscientiousness/Carelessness Virtues

    • Have a very long attention span and can work without being distracted
    • Do things according to a plan
    • Strive for efficiency and economy
    • Pay attention to details
    • Am extremely reliable
    • Always arrive at appointments early or on time
    • Am very goal-oriented
    • Do what I say I am going to do
    • Know how to go with the flow
    • Don’t waste my time thinking about little details

    Emotional Stability/Low Stress Tolerance Faults

    • Am sometimes not afraid of things I should be afraid of
    • Don’t appear to learn as well from my mistakes as others do
    • Don’t pay enough attention to costs and potential future dangers 
    • Often take counterproductive or unnecessary risks
    • Blow little things out of proportion
    • Let my fears stop me from doing things I want to do

    Emotional Stability/Low Stress Tolerance Virtues

    • Am difficult to offend
    • Am in control of my emotions
    • Calm down quickly when I do get upset
    • Seldom get disturbed or upset
    • Am rarely incautious
    • Am a cautious, careful person
    • Don’t rush into things before I feel comfortable
    • Am good at identifying the risks in new situations

    Openness/Traditionalism Faults

    • Pursue too many activities at the same time
    • Am interested in so many things that I don’t know what to focus on
    • Have a hard time planning for the future because I am interested in everything
    • Have a hard time making up my mind because I can always see all the sides of an argument
    • Am so interested in creative activities that it is hard to concentrate on things that are practical
    • Have had a hard time forming a clear identity
    • Have done crazy things just because I was curious about what might happen

    Openness/Traditionalism Virtues

    • Am quick to understand things
    • Can handle a lot of information
    • Catch on to things quickly
    • Am always learning new things
    • Spend time reflecting on things
    • Can always see new possibility in things
    • See the value in tradition and custom
    • Am resistant to radical, dangerous thoughts
    group of young multiethnic cheerful colleagues having party after workday

    So, as you can see above, your personality style is never all good or all bad. I’m sure that even if you are introverted, disagreeable, careless, neurotic and closed to new experiences, there will still be some virtues associated with your personality style. I also think that, even though it may be more of a challenge, it is still possible to find the right career or job and the right relationship and friendships for you.

    You may not be the right fit for everyone or everything, but no one is. What is more important is to first try to understand yourself, change what you would like to and are able to, accept what you do not want to or cannot change, and then find the places and people that love and appreciate you for who you are.

    Happy New Year, and all the best for 2021!

  • How to Improve Your Motivation

    How to Improve Your Motivation

    People often ask me how they can improve their motivation. Generally, I tell them that there are two big motivators in life. One is your values, or what is most important to you in your life. The other is fear, or trying to prevent the worst from happening.

    Research by Tversky and Kahneman found that losses loom much larger than gains. This means that fear is usually better for motivation than values because we are more willing to try to avoid something terrible than we are to create something good. This bias is one of the main reasons your direct ancestors survived long enough to reproduce. So without their loss aversion, you may not be here today.

    The problem with only using fear for motivation is that it triggers our fight-or-flight response. In addition, it increases our cortisol levels if we activate this response too often, which isn’t so great for our mental and physical health in the long run.

    Being motivated by our values, on the other hand, is very rewarding. We aren’t just in survival mode. We are creating the life we want, and it feels enriching.

    Intrinsic vs extrinsic values

    Values are not the same thing as goals. Instead, they are guiding principles for life. They help you identify whether you are on the right track in your life or not. If you are unsure which values are most important to you, this clarification exercise can help.

    The biggest problem with values is that it can be hard to know why your most important values are essential to you. Is it because society says they are? Or movies and TV shows? Or marketing companies? Or is it because your family or religion says so? Or just because it feels essential deep down?

    Research has found that we are much more likely to experience motivation when motivated by our intrinsic rather than our extrinsic values. Extrinsic means something outside of us. Intrinsic implies something within us.

    I remember back when I was doing my doctoral studies. I was not on a scholarship for the first six months and was studying for free. Then I was placed on an academic scholarship and was paid to learn. Being paid to study (an extrinsic factor) diminished my intrinsic motivation to study and made it harder overall. Before receiving the scholarship, I thought it would have been the opposite and that getting paid to learn would have helped me remain focused and finish my research even quicker. It did not.

    Professional sports players who start getting paid to play can feel the same way. Growing up, you couldn’t keep them off the court or field. They just loved the game. But now, it’s a job. Some NBA or NFL players refuse to play unless they get more money or are playing for a contending team. Their intrinsic motivation has become overshadowed by their million-dollar salaries.

    Volunteering in Vanuatu was the opposite. Because I was no longer getting paid to offer mental health support across the country, I could fall in love with psychology and therapy all over again. I was helping people to improve their mental health and the overall quality of their lives. I felt connected with my essential values and experienced lots of motivation.

    Three Intrinsic Ways To Build Motivation

    In his excellent book ‘Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us’, the author Daniel H. Pink says that there are three ways to increase your intrinsic motivation:

    1. Autonomy

    • What do you want to do?
    • Why do you want to do it?
    • Is it for others or for you?
    • If it is for others, do you feel forced to do it, or is it because it is important to you?
    • If it’s important to you, what personal value is being highlighted as very important for you:
      • Dutifulness?
      • Obedience or Loyalty?
      • Altruism?
      • Empathy?
      • Sympathy?
      • Being supportive?
      • Being kind or compassionate?
      • Not being indebted to others?
      • Equality or fairness?
      • Something else?

    2. Mastery

    • What skills do you want to build?
    • What do you enjoy learning?
    • What areas interest you?
    • What comes easily to you that doesn’t come easily to others?

    3. Purpose

    • What are you passionate about?
    • What is personally meaningful to you?
    • If you didn’t have to earn money, what would you do?
    • What would you want your epitaph or tombstone to say?
    • What would you want to hear someone say at your 80th birthday during a talk about you and the person you have been?
    • What do you want your legacy to be?
    • What do you want to add to the world?
    • How would you like to be remembered?
    • If the world was going to end in 2 years, and you couldn’t do anything about it or tell anyone else about it, would you do anything different to what you are doing now?
    • If your kids didn’t listen to what you said and only looked at what you did, would you change your daily actions or what you do? If so, what would you do differently?

    Is FEAR Holding You Back?

    Let’s say you know what you want to change but still struggle to do it. Perhaps FEAR is holding you back from making the changes you want to. FEAR is an acronym Russ Harris created in his books The Happiness Trap’ and ‘The Confidence Gap’.

    FEAR stands for:

    F = fusion with unhelpful thoughts

    If you are fusing with unhelpful thoughts, you need to practice defusion skills to let go of unhelpful thoughts and increase your motivation. Defusion techniques involve recognising thoughts, images, and memories for what they are. They are just words and pictures. You then allow them to come and go as they please, without fighting them, running from them or giving them more attention than they deserve. Google search Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) defusion exercises and try some until you find one that allows you to let go of unhelpful thoughts. My favourite activity is on the app ‘CBT-I coach’ in the ‘quiet your mind’ section called ‘observe thoughts – clouds in the sky’.

    E = expectations that are unrealistic

    If you have unrealistic expectations, review your goals and write the new ones down to improve your motivation. Break these goals down into smaller steps, give yourself more time to achieve them and allow yourself to make mistakes. For example, you are hoping to obtain seven hours of sleep per night, and you only sleep five hours currently. Start with improving your total sleep time by an average of 10 minutes over the next week. Once you achieve this, you can then aim for another 10 minutes. Within 12 weeks, you could get to where you want to be, so try to take the long-term approach instead of looking for a super quick fix. It is okay if you do not reach your sleep goal in one night. Just stick to your plan, and do not give up until at least two weeks have passed. Everyone has a terrible sleep from time to time, so it is important to keep realistic short and long-term goals to ensure your motivation remains high.

    A = avoidance of discomfort

    If you avoid discomfort, challenge yourself to improve your motivation by taking action. Remember that gradual exposure is the most effective intervention for any anxiety disorder, including post-traumatic stress disorder. With anxiety, we want to avoid it, but this only keeps the fear alive as our brain tells us that what we are avoiding is dangerous. So instead, we must challenge ourselves to do what we want and make room for our emotions in these moments. By doing this, we will generally realise that doing what we feared was not nearly as bad or uncomfortable as we imagined. Try expansion ACT exercises or a body scan meditation to increase your ability to sit with painful or difficult emotions. The CBT-I coach app has a body scan meditation under the ‘quiet your mind’ section that I recommend checking out.

    R = remoteness from values

    If you are not living consistently with your most important values, reconnect with them to increase your motivation. Then see if your plan or desired outcome will help you live more consistently with your most important values. If your plan will, put the list of your top values in a visible place to remind yourself why you are currently doing what you are doing. If your plan will not, change it to be more consistent with what is most important to you.

    Remember, change is generally always hard but worth it if it will help us live the life we want to be living in the end. Remembering why you are doing something is also the key to improving your motivation to push through when things get tough.

    Good luck with improving your motivation, and do let me know if these strategies help!

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist