Damon Ashworth Psychology

Category: Psychology

  • How Does It Feel to Have Your To-Do List at Zero?

    How Does It Feel to Have Your To-Do List at Zero?

    It’s quite strange. Yesterday, I managed to finish off the last thing on my to-do list for the week. For the first time in a long time, I had nothing that I had to do. Sure, there are some things that I would like to do in the future. However, nothing required me to take any steps towards them until Friday next week. This is definitely the first time that this has been the case in 2021. I’m not even sure if I reached this point at all in 2020.

    I feel lighter to have all of these items gone. They are no longer hanging over my head or telling me that I shouldn’t be relaxing when I am. But I also feel a bit lost. Today, I have already done my morning meditation, journaling, Elevate brain training and Duolingo French language training. I then did my daily weight training, hips and balance exercises, and went outside and walked 10,000 steps. I shopped for the food I needed at the local supermarket, meal prepped for the next few days, and cleaned up my place.

    I then tried to relax and watch some TV and a movie, but both of these activities already felt boring. One of my friend’s said that he had clocked Netflix because of this pandemic. I haven’t, but the returns of these activities are definitely diminishing.

    My brain told me that I would feel amazing, no longer having anything that I needed to do. But I do not. So now, having just eaten half a salad and a tasty Magnum ice cream, I find myself here at the computer putting down my thoughts into words.

    Goals vs Values

    blue sea under blue sky
    Photo by Riccardo Bertolo on Pexels.com

    Exactly how I feel now is why I tell my clients not just to live their lives by their goals. Sure, having things to aim for is great. So is hitting these targets and crossing these items off our to-do lists. It gives us a nice little surge of dopamine and fires up the reward pathways in our brain when we achieve something. And our brains feel good for a temporary moment until we start searching for the next target to hit.

    But it is never-ending and generally always future-focused. We think, once I have achieved this, then I will be happy. But then we meet this goal, and our brain says, “great… what’s next?” We begin looking again to the future for the imaginary thing that will make us happy and satisfied forever once we achieve it.

    Unfortunately, the long-term rewards of this future goal are mostly a mirage. Our brains telling us that it will satisfy us forever helps us not give up pursuing the goal. However, once we have achieved it, the reward is fleeting and less satisfying than we imagined beforehand. This is because dopamine is more about desire than reward.

    Imagine if we were forever satisfied after achieving a goal. I doubt that our ancestors would have lasted long enough to reproduce. A slightly unsatisfied person, always craving for more and an ideal future that never comes. Those humans are the ones that will keep moving, growing, meeting and breeding. And now, here we are…

    Enjoying the Process vs Desiring a Future Outcome

    photo of mountain under cloudy sky
    Photo by Evgeny Tchebotarev on Pexels.com

    As I have already said, a goal is set for the future. You want to lose weight, buy a house, run a marathon, or climb Mount Everest. As an extension of this, you are saying that you lack something in the present when you set a goal. You are heavier than you want to be. You don’t have the house that you want to be in. You haven’t run the marathon this year, and you are yet to climb the tallest mountain in the world.

    Values are different to goals. Values are followed in the present. They are guiding principles for life. You are either living by them at the moment, or you are not.

    By clarifying why you want to achieve your specific goals, you can determine if you are living by these values in the present or not. Let’s take the first example. You might want to lose weight because you value looking attractive, but I want to lose weight because I value being healthy. I have lost weight through not eating much, not exercising and taking diet pills. The goal has been achieved, and if it was you, you might even live by your values. But I am not. Deep down, I would know that I am not healthy, and even if I have lost some weight, I would feel inconsistent rather than consistent with what is most important to me.

    You might want to climb Mount Everest because your husband is too and you value doing things together, whereas I am training for it because I value pushing myself to reach my potential. We both head off on the expedition, and we can’t climb beyond base camp because our guide says that the weather is too bad for the next few weeks. Because I am unable to live by my value, I feel disappointed and unhappy. Because you are still consistent with yours, you are happy and don’t mind getting to enjoy your downtime in Nepal with the love of your life.

    What Do You Want Your Legacy to Be?

    This question needs to be asked more often, in my opinion. I’m not too sure how many people could answer this clearly and succinctly. But if we aren’t clear on what principles or values are most important to us, how are we meant to decide if we are on the right path or not? How will we know if what we are doing is time well spent or just a waste of time?

    Epitaph On Your Gravestone
    monochrome photo of man walking in cemetery
    Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

    Imagine that you have lived your whole life and have recently died. Someone really close to you has decided to bury you, and they are deciding what will be written on your gravestone. What would you want them to write?

    If you aren’t sure what you would want your legacy to be about, this question can often help. Even though I would prefer to be cremated instead of buried, the main thought that pops into my head when I think of this exercise is:

    “Here lies Damon…He tried his best”

    Maybe that is cliched or lame, but it highlights that a core value in my life is around effort. I care much less about how much I manage to achieve in my life. I want to know that I gave things a proper go and put in the effort required. That I focused on the process of what I am doing, which is within my control, rather than the outcome, which is often outside of it.

    Your 80th Birthday Party

    If thinking about after your own death is too morbid an exercise for you, this thought experiment may be more appealing. Imagine that it is your 80th birthday party, and all of your closest family and friend’s are there to celebrate the life you have had so far. Someone close to you stands up and tells everyone in the crowd about the person you have been from now until your 80th birthday. What would you want to hear them say about you? I’d love to hear my partner’s daughter stand up and say:

    “Even though I wasn’t convinced about Damon initially, he’s turned out to be a pretty cool role model as a father figure for me. He’s consistently been there for me and tried his best to be emotionally supportive and understand me and what I was going through. Damon’s always wanted the best for me in life, and I could feel this. But he also didn’t care if I won things or where I came as long as I was willing to try and give new things a go. Damon was always willing to do things for me and be there when I needed him to help or listen. But he also didn’t do things for me if he knew that it would be better for me to give something a go and learn how to do it myself. Damon encouraged me to explore the world and not be held back by fear. He also offered a safe space with mum to come back to when I needed comfort, care and support. I’m glad that Damon came into my life, and I am happy about the person I am today partly because of the role that he has played. Above all, I feel loved for who I am by Damon, no matter what, and that is a pretty cool thing to have. So thank you, and happy 80th birthday!”

    Your answer to this question should help you clarify what values are most important to you or what you would like your legacy to be about. Based on the above passage, I want to be a good role model as a father, present, supportive, understanding, encouraging, helpful, loving and unconditional. Many people think of their legacy in terms of work, but is that really what you value most in this life?

    Are You Travelling in the Right Direction?

    green mountain
    Photo by Quang Nguyen Vinh on Pexels.com

    In her excellent post and subsequent book, Bronnie Ware shared her top five regrets of people who were dying. Having worked as a palliative care nurse for several years, Bronnie identified them as:

    1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
    2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
    3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
    4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
    5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

    This list highlights that my life was imbalanced before I had my stroke in January. Because of the COVID-19 pandemic, I was separated from my partner and her daughter back in Vanuatu on March 20th, 2020. I could not see any of my friends or colleagues back there and did not say a proper goodbye to them. Thanks to the months of lockdowns in Melbourne, I could not do many things I enjoyed or see my friends and family here in Australia that I wanted to either. I was working too much for too long each day, spending too much time on my phone and watching TV, and wasn’t eating as healthily or being as active as I wanted to be.

    What about you?

    How Much of the Day Are You Spending in the Way that You Want?

    For this exercise, draw a pie chart of what a typical workday looks like for you and another pie chart for what a typical day off looks like. It doesn’t matter what time you go to bed or get out of bed or start and finish work, because the whole pie represents 24 hours.

    When you are drawing your two pie charts, think about:

    • How much time are you just in the moment vs trying to do things for a better future?
    • How much are you socialising and connecting with others, including family and friends?
    • How much time are you spending inside vs outside in nature?
    • How much are you dedicating towards being physically fit or exercising?
    • How much time are you resting, sleeping and relaxing?
    • How much are you dedicating towards doing creative or fun vs passive hobbies?
    • How much time are you working and doing tasks related to work?

    Above is an example pie chart that I drew up in less than five minutes, so it really doesn’t have to take a long time. For some people, their workdays and non-workdays are very similar. For others, their weekend’s are spent very differently. There are no right or wrong answers. The key is to draw down what is typical for you.

    Now that these pie charts have been drawn up, reflect and ask yourself:

    • Are there things that you would like to do more of?
    • Are there things that you would like to do less of?
    • What’s making it hard or stopping you from making these changes?

    Once you have identified what you want to change and why the most important thing is getting out there and starting. Behavioural change is hard, especially at the start. But as Zig Ziglar says, “no one just walks around and finds themselves atop Mount Everest“. If you try something new and get stuck, my next blog post will give you a few tips and tricks to overcome these barriers.

    The best thing about living by our values instead of just chasing after goals is that this can happen at any chosen moment. It doesn’t have to be New Years Day, and it doesn’t have to take a long time. I want to be more creative and present and connect more with those I care most about starting now. I don’t want work, focusing on the future or distractions on my phone or TV to get in the way.

    What about you?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • What Things Really Matter to You?

    What Things Really Matter to You?

    When I think about how to best help someone, I am reminded of what psychiatrist Irvin Yalom found when he asked 20 clients what was most beneficial to them about their time in therapy (Yalom & Leszcz, 2005). The average client had spent an average of 16 months in therapy, and was just about to finish up.

    The top four categories of responses they gave consisted of:

    4. Self-understanding: learning more about thoughts, feelings, the self, and their origins

    3. Cohesiveness: being understood, accepted and connected with a sense of belonging

    2. Catharsis: expressing feelings and getting things out in the open

    1. Interpersonal input: learning more about one’s impression and impact on others

    Out of the 60 individual statements that the clients could endorse, they most often endorsed statements about therapy helping them to:

    • Trust other people more
    • See and experience the benefits of revealing embarrassing things and taking other emotional risks.
    • Learn how they come across to other people and the impression they make on others
    • Learn how to more effectively express positive and negative feelings, including towards others
    • Be honestly told what other people think of them
    • Be able to say what is bothering them instead of holding it in
    • Discover previously unknown parts of themselves and accept things about themselves or their past that were previously difficult to accept.

    If you look at the above lists, you will notice that most of the highly endorsed benefits of therapy are difficult to obtain individually outside of greater self-understanding and awareness.

    IF YOU ARE DISSATISFIED WITH SOME OF THE RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUR LIFE

    Many of the true benefits of therapy are the result of taking emotional risks and being honest about things that are really bothering you or you are concerned or unsure about. The rest of the benefits come from the acceptance, understanding, feedback and connection that the therapist gives back to client, as well as the quality of the therapeutic relationship they have together. If it is group therapy rather than individual therapy, the other group members can provide many of the benefits that the therapist might in individual therapy.

    Because the quality of the relationships in our lives has such a large impact on how happy and healthy we are and become, it makes sense that many of the key benefits of therapy are also relational. If you would like to improve the quality of your relationships, making the investment in therapy could potentially be well worth it for you in the long run.

    IF YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT YOURSELF

    If you are 100% satisfied with how all the key relationships in your life are going, and you feel like all of your needs are being met in these relationships, then it may be less important for you to undergo person-to-person therapy.

    Self-awareness and understanding and more internal cohesiveness and acceptance can also be developed through reading books or taking online courses. Or, as I have previously mentioned, can also be developed by taking personality assessments that help you to answer the question “who am I?”, including the five-factor personality model.

    Once you have a good sense of who you are, it is then important to ask yourself “what’s most important to me?” This can be done by taking the VIA character strengths survey, or doing any form of values clarification exercise, such as the ones I outlined in the article ‘what values do you try to live your life by?‘ and ‘three steps to an improved life‘.

    Photo by Mayu on Pexels.com

    Another values clarification exercise that I tried the other day was recommended to me by a client. It can be taken for free by clicking this link.

    Firstly, it asks if you understand what an intrinsic value is. Once you know that it is something that you value not for what it can give you, like money, but in and of itself, you are ready to take the quiz.

    The quiz then asks you about a bunch of different values, and then gets you to say if it is an intrinsic value to you or not, and if it is, how important it is to you.

    Once you have answered all of the questions, it asks you to pick your top seven values in order.

    For me, my most important values were as follows:

    1. That I show courage in the face of difficult challenges
    2. That I am grateful for what I have
    3. That I achieve my full potential
    4. That I experience a sense of meaning and purpose in my life
    5. That I feel connected to other people
    6. That I have agency and can make choices for myself
    7. That the way I behave is consistent with my values

    You are then asked to reflect on each value and see how you might be able to create more of what you value in the world.

    I already ask myself the question “what am I being motivated by here – my fears or my values?” when I am feeling unsure or uncertain about what to do.

    A similar question that I heard about in the book I was listening to yesterday called ‘Four Thousand Weeks‘ by Oliver Burkeman was “does this decision help to enlarge my life or diminish it?” Sometimes our brain wants us to do what feels least scary or most comfortable. However, the author recommends choosing the option that is scary or uncomfortable but is likely to enlarge your life over one that is comfortable but is likely to diminish your life over time.

    What Are You Likely to Regret More?

    Joseph Campbell says that the hero’s journey begins when the main character is called to action by something unexpected at the end of the first act of any good story. The second act of the story begins when the hero answers the call to action and goes off on the adventure, not entirely sure how things will turn out but willing to face whatever challenges may come. Hopefully, they continue to keep learning and growing and eventually prevail and succeed. Or they can choose to not answer the call, stay where it is safe and familiar, and not get to experience the adventures and challenges that may await.

    What would you rather? What do you think you would regret the most in the long run?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • The Little Things That We Do Matter Over Time

    The Little Things That We Do Matter Over Time

    “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

    – Lao Tzu

    I love the above quote by Lao Tzu. It highlights that all of the little choices in life are important, especially in the long run. Not a single option or action unless it is unusually severe or unforgivable. I’m talking about the little things we do regularly, which accumulate over time and define who we are and how others see us.

                It may be something like choosing to make your bed every morning or getting up to go to the gym before work. Or having a veggie smoothie rather than a jam-filled doughnut and caramel macchiato for your 3 pm work snack. Taking the easy or not-so-healthy option may not seem like such a big deal if it’s just the once, but what if this becomes a habit over time?

                Without realising it, you may wake up one day and recognise that you have severe sugar, nicotine, alcohol or smartphone dependency. But, unfortunately, it’s no longer as easy to stop this behaviour as you may have believed. Especially once it becomes an ingrained habit. 

    Neuropsychologist Donald Hebb famously said in 1949:

    “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

    – Donald Hebb

    It means that the more we do a particular action, the more these pathways become ingrained or more substantial in our brain. So the first time we do something, it might be a little path. But if we do it enough, it can become a superhighway, where our brain finds it much easier to repeat that behaviour than do anything else. 

                Most obese, unfit or unhealthy individuals probably didn’t expect they would be where they are. But it didn’t just happen overnight either. They started with an initial thought, felt something, experienced an urge or craving, and chose to act in a certain way. The more they repeated this action in similar situations, the more the brain learnt that this is just what they needed and that this is the correct behaviour whenever they think or feel this way.   Eventually, the action no longer feels like a choice but a compulsion. People may not even realise what they are doing until it is too late. Let alone be able to change it going forward.

    William James said something similar but offered a solution to this trap: 

    “Thoughts become perception; perception becomes reality. Alter your thoughts; alter your reality.”

    – William James

    I’m not sure if I agree with William James completely. In my experience, it is often easier to act ourselves into new ways of thinking rather than think ourselves into new ways of acting. While how we think and feel about things is vital, it is tough to make any positive long-term change if we don’t challenge and change our behaviour.

                Suppose we instead change our behaviours first regardless of our thinking. In that case, we will have more and more evidence contrary to the unhelpful thoughts or beliefs that we hold. In time, shifting these negative thoughts and perceptions becomes more comfortable. By doing this, you can shape your reality.

    Why Bother Trying to Change?

    Someone once asked me: “will you ever just be satisfied with how you are and stop using questionnaires and other measures to keep tracking and changing your life?” It seemed like a weird question, but it is consistent with how my father views life. He knows what makes him happy and does it. He’s not too worried about changing or growing. Instead, he focuses on enjoying each day, even if it’s the same as yesterday.

                That’s great for my father, and on some level, it would be nice, but I can’t do things that way. Maybe it was because I was an often stressed out, anxious and unhappy child. Or perhaps I have seen how much I’ve been able to improve my life and my relationships with others through learning, monitoring, and challenging myself over time.

    A quote by Charles Bukowski probably sums it up better than I ever could:

    “People are strange. They are constantly angered by trivial things, but on a major matter like totally wasting their lives, they hardly seem to notice.”

    – Charles Bukowski

    Some Worrying Statistics

    According to the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention, people should do at least 4 hours of moderately vigorous physical activity each week. Yet, researchers have found that the average American adult only does 17 minutes each day.

                According to the 2017 OECD findings, more than 50% of adults and nearly one in six children are overweight or obese. This figure is likely to increase further by 2030.

                In addition, the World Health Organisation says that 3 million people died worldwide in 2016 due to harmful alcohol use. Fortunately, alcohol drinking has continued to decrease in Australia since its peak in 1974–1975. However, regular teen alcohol consumption is still the most significant risk factor for problematic alcohol drinking in adulthood.

                In 2014 in the US, 6.2 million people suffered from an illicit substance use disorder. Furthermore, over 115 people die every day from opioid abuse or misuse. Moreover, social isolation and loneliness are becoming more severe problems these days. One-quarter of Americans reported that they have no one to discuss important matters with or call in case of an emergency. Too much social isolation and loneliness can increase the risk of people dying. Perhaps even more than cigarette smoking.

                The average American household watched 8 hours and 55 minutes of TV daily in 2009–2010 (the peak). In 2018, it dropped to 7 hours and 50 minutes per household, which is still extremely high. From 1950 to 2010, viewing time per household increased every decade. It became what Americans did for leisure, as documented in Robert Putnam’s sociological book ‘Bowling Alone’.

                59% of all Americans and (48% of Europeans) now play video games, including 97% of teenagers in the USA. However, a 2016 study found that 6% of gamers worldwide could be considered addicted. Another study found that 7% were problematic gamers who played at least 30 hours weekly.

                Lastly, smartphone usage continues to increase worldwide. Excessive social media and smartphone usage can result in adverse mental health outcomes. Australia is now fourth in the world regarding smartphone usage. The average for all Australian mobile phone users is 2.5 hours a day, which adds up to 38 days per year. We check something on our phones 30 times daily, and 45% of Australians now say they couldn’t live without their phones.

    It is Possible to Choose to Change 

    It’s pretty easy to see the long-term consequences of our brains wanting to conserve energy, take the easy option, or avoid pain. However, these seemingly insignificant moments can happen hundreds of times per day. In each moment, as long as we pay attention, we have a choice. We can stay on autopilot and do what is easy. Or, we can tune into our core values, ask ourselves what type of person we would like to become in the long run, and then act consistently with this vision.

                It may feel strange, different, or even uncomfortable when you start making more challenging choices and living by your values. However, that doesn’t make it wrong. For example, going to the gym will always hurt the first time you go, but the 20-minute walk you choose to do today is better than the 10km run you put off until next week. 

                Likewise, it may be tempting to say that you’ll start a new diet on Monday, but why put off making a healthy decision in the here-and-now if you don’t have to? These moments will eventually define who you become. You can begin to make a positive long-term change today.

    But What Do We Do if We Want to Change?

    Let me ask you the following three questions:

    1. Is there anything you wish you could do more in your life?

    2. Is there anything in your life you want to do less?

    3. Finally, what is stopping you from making these changes?

    If you answered YES to question 1 or 2 and don’t know the answer to number 3, it is worth exploring deeper.

  • Isolation and Loneliness: Which One Is More Damaging to Our Long-term Health?

    Isolation and Loneliness: Which One Is More Damaging to Our Long-term Health?

    Just the other day, I was having a debate with a client about isolation versus loneliness.

    He believed that social contact with others was a more significant predictor of well-being, whereas I thought how close we felt was more important for long-term health and happiness.

    In other words, he thought that the number of interactions with others was more important than the quality of the relationships. I was solidly on team quality over quantity when it came to the type of relations that we wanted in our lives.

    Because I wasn’t sure whose position was more supported by research, I further explored the issue.

    My aim in writing this post is to define the difference between isolation and loneliness clearly. I will then highlight what the scientific evidence suggests.

    Isolation

    The Merriam-Webster dictionary for English language learners defines isolation as:

    “The state of being in a place or situation that is separate from others: the condition of being isolated”

    Notice with this definition that there is no emotion connected to it. It merely indicates being isolated or separate from others.

    Someone could choose to live a solitary life in isolation, and they may be happy with their choice. Alexandra de Steiguer, a shy individual who spent a lot of time alone when she was a child, chooses to isolate herself each winter as the sole ‘caretaker’ of the Oceanic Hotel on an island in New Hampshire. For the past 19 winters, she has spent months on the island without any guests.

    de Steiguer states:

    “it’s the thing I look forward to every year… When I come out here it’s like a homecoming. All those details of mainland life just fall away.”

    She later says:

    “Being alone (has) it’s advantages. It’s peaceful, and I can use my imagination…It makes me feel connected to life (and the natural world) in a way that I don’t normally feel.”

    I don’t think I could do what she does, especially after watching ‘The Shining’, but each to their own.

    Henry David Thoreau also glorified isolation and solitude in his famous book ‘Walden; or Life in the Woods’, stating:

    “I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.”

    To write the book, Thoreau built a cabin near a pond in 1845 and lived there for the next two years.

    He also highly valued simplifying life and reconnecting with nature:

    “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

    Before you think about selling up everything in Emile Hirsch’s ‘Into the Wild’ style and moving to the wilderness by yourself, it is important to highlight two things first:

    1. Thoreau walked into the nearby town of Concord, Massachusetts, almost daily and received visitors regularly.
    2. In ‘Into the Wild’, Hirsch’s character Christopher McCandless (**spoiler alert**) dies after eating a poisonous plant and concludes, “Happiness only real when shared.”

    When solitude doesn’t involve nature and someone forces it upon you, it is often considered a devastating form of punishment. For this reason, various prisons use solitary confinement all over the world. However, prisons often violate human rights with solitary confinement. For example, the UN’s Mandela Rules state that humans must not be “without meaningful human contact for more than 15 consecutive days” (Martin, 2016).

    People would rather be out in the prison yard where they could be stabbed or beaten up instead of in isolation, making me realise that humans are social creatures. Too much time in isolation can lead to active psychosis or acute suicidality in approximately one-third of the prisoners exposed to solitary confinement (Rodriguez, 2016). It can also lead to crippling social anxiety for prisoners once released into society (Breslow, 2014).

    Consequently, I can’t help but feel that except for a few individual cases or people who are very introverted, too much isolation does more harm than good.

    Loneliness

    The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines loneliness as:

    “Sad feelings that come from being apart from other people”

    Notice the focus of the definition is on the feelings of sadness. Unlike isolation, loneliness suggests a deficit and a longing for companionship and a genuine connection that is not there.

    As JD in ‘Scrubs’ suggests, it is also possible to feel lonely in a crowded space, even though you could not be considered isolated:

    So what is more damaging — being separate from others, or feeling apart from others?

    The Village Effect

    Our brains light up during human interactions, primarily in-person face-to-face contact. Online communication and passively watching videos don’t have the same effect.

    In her 2017 TED talk, Susan Pinker looks at different reasons why people live longer, including the role that relationships play:

    As you can see in the graph above, minimising isolation and loneliness was more critical for staying alive than someone’s BMI, activity level, smoking and drinking behaviours, or even their heart health and blood pressure. While these factors are still relevant, having constant and close relationships is almost essential for our long-term health and longevity. Quantity, or level of integration, is seen as slightly more important than the closeness of relationships or quality — one point for my client.

    Either way, in her book ‘The Village Effect’, Pinker suggests that we would all benefit from the type of interconnectedness that a small village lifestyle provides.

    Pinker also believes that we would benefit more by increasing our in-person face-to-face contact and cutting back our use of technology to better connect with others.

    Alone Together

    Another fascinating book that I read in 2017 was ‘Alone Together’ by Sherry Turkle.

    Turkle’s 2011 book also highlights the difference between how often we interact with other people and how sad, disconnected or alone we feel.

    Her 2012 TED talk nicely summarises the negative aspects of technology and how it is leading to a greater sense of loneliness, even though it is easier than ever to remain in contact in some way or another:

    As Turkle says:

    “we use conversation with each other to learn how to have conversation with ourselves. A flight from conversation can really matter, because it can compromise our capacity for self reflection. For kids growing up, that skill is a bedrock for development.”

    Turkle concludes:

    “we’re lonely, but we’re afraid of intimacy. (We want) the illusion of companionship, without the demands of friendship.” (As a result, we) expect more from technology, and less from each other. (We imagine, that with technology), we’ll never have to be alone.”

    It’s pretty scary stuff when you think about it. However, Turkle’s findings indicate that loneliness is more damaging than isolation, so one point for me.

    Other Research

    Social isolation is associated with:

    • an increased risk of depression (Hari, 2018),
    • more heart disease (Barth, Schneider, & von Känel, 2010),
    • a more significant risk of infectious illness (Cohen et al., 1997),
    • quicker cognitive decline (Bassuk, Glass & Berman, 1999),
    • elevated blood pressure (Shankar, McMunn, Banks & Steptoe, 2011),
    • more significant inflammation and metabolic responses to stress (Uchino, 2006), and
    • increased mortality (Eng, Rimm, Fitzmaurice & Kawachi, 2002)

    Loneliness is associated with:

    • a higher risk of major depressive disorder (Hari, 2018),
    • increased blood pressure (Hawkley et al., 2010)
    • heightened cortisol (Cacioppo et al., 2000)
    • elevated inflammation (Steptoe et al., 2004), and
    • increased risk of heart disease, functional decline and early death (Patterson & Veenstra, 2010; Perissinotto, Stijacic Cenzer & Covinsky, 2012).

    A 2013 study titled “Social Isolation, Loneliness and All-Cause Mortality in Older Men and Women” looked at 6,500 men and women over 51 from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing between 2004 and March 2012. After taking demographics and health at baseline into account, social isolation significantly predicted later mortality, but loneliness did not (Steptoe, Shankar, Demakakos & Wardle, 2013).

    Both loneliness and social isolation were associated with an increased risk of mortality. Still, reducing isolation was considered more critical in reducing the risk of premature death than loneliness. Furthermore, loneliness did not add to the risk of early death for already socially isolated people (Steptoe et al., 2013).

    Final Outcome and Recommendations

    THE VERDICT: SOCIAL ISOLATION IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN LONELINESS!

    I am surprised to be wrong, but I am glad to have a bias pointed out whenever it occurs. I have never felt socially isolated, but I have felt lonely, so my own experience must have influenced my opinion to some degree.

    Social isolation is more hazardous to our long-term health than the subjective feeling of loneliness. However, both of these states are potentially damaging, and you should take steps if you are experiencing them regularly.

    Lifeline recommends the following strategies for overcoming social isolation and loneliness:

    • “Connect or reconnect with friends and family — staying in contact with loved ones can prevent loneliness and isolation. If your family don’t live nearby, technology can help you keep in touch.
    • Get out and about — regular outings for social functions, exercise, visiting friends, doing shopping, or simply going to public places can help.
    • Get involved in your community — Try a new (or old) hobby, join a club, enrol in a study, or learn a new skill. Try looking online at your local TAFE/Community College, library or community centre for things in your area that might be interesting to you.
    • Volunteer — helping others is a great way to help yourself feel more connected.
    • Consider getting a pet –pets are wonderful companions and can provide comfort and support during times of stress, ill-health or isolation.
    • Get support — If loneliness and social isolation are causing you distress, you should discuss your concerns with a GP, counsellor or a trusted person.”

    Engaging in treatment with a clinical psychologist could help if social anxiety or other mental health difficulties contribute to your isolation or loneliness. If not, the meetup website is an excellent resource for getting out there, trying some new things, and meeting some new people.

    As George Valliant says:

    “Joy is connection… the more areas in your life you can make connection, the better.”

  • Can You Improve Your Gratitude?

    Can You Improve Your Gratitude?

    Out of the 24 possible character strengths in the VIA Character Strengths Survey, only five are strongly associated with satisfaction with life. People with hope, zest, gratitude, curiosity and the ability to love and be loved as their top strengths seem to have higher life satisfaction.

    Gratitude has never been a strength of mine. Every time I have taken the survey since 2012, hope, zest, and gratitude have never even been in my top 10 strengths. In fact, only curiosity has been a top-five strength, coming in at #3 in 2017 and #2 in 2018.

    But then something happened.

    I’ve already written about the details, but I suffered a stroke on January 2nd, 2021, was misdiagnosed three times, nearly died, had emergency brain surgery, and spent over a week in a coma. I was then in a hospital for over a month and spent the next six months doing regular outpatient rehab.

    It is now over a year later. Apart from some minor balance and coordination difficulties, everything else is how it was. I’m back to working as a Clinical Psychologist and, in general, enjoying my life.

    Last week, I went through different personality assessments with a colleague and re-took four tests to show them what the results would look like.

    On the VIA Character Strengths Survey, my #1 strength was gratitude. I was shocked initially, but upon further reflection, I really do feel lucky to be alive and be able to think clearly and interact with those that I care about.

    The flap in my artery that contributed to my stroke is still there. So I could have another blood clot and stroke again in the future. Looking after myself and taking regular medication lowers my risk of recurrence, but nothing is guaranteed, and I don’t want to take anything for granted. So I want to appreciate everything I can. My friends and family. Where I live. The work I get to do. As many moments that I am alive as I can.

    Life may not always be easy, but at this stage, I’d much rather experience the ups and downs and joys and sorrows than no longer be here.

    I haven’t always felt this way. For a long time growing up, I would have been glad if a stroke took away my life prematurely. But it is interesting how nearly losing your life can make you appreciate what you have more.

    The Psychiatrist and Author Irving Yalom found something similar when he worked with a group of patients with terminal breast cancer. Many even said that it was a pity that it took until they were nearly dead to start living fully. Yalom concluded that even though death is the end of us, reminding ourselves that we will one day die can enervate and energise us.

    Apart from having a near-death experience or reflecting on our inevitable death one day (practising memento mori), there are several things that you can do to improve your level of gratitude.

    The two that I have most commonly heard of and tried myself are the What Went Well exercise and the Gratitude Visit.

    What Went Well?

    For the What Went Well exercise, the aim is to get into a daily habit of noticing the positive things that happen in your life. You could start a specific gratitude journal or include What Went Well in your usual journal. I have been using the Stoic app on my phone and having this question as one of the prompts in my daily writing exercise.

    Whatever you choose to write in, take a few minutes each day to think about three things that went well during the day. It might be something that you appreciated, felt good about, or were grateful for. Ideally, this could be different things on different days, but it is okay to also say similar things to another day if you want to. For example, I kept writing down gratitude for my health, being alive, my partner, and her daughter. I’m also thankful for my family, friends, cognitive faculties, reading, walking, and enjoying nature or a nice meal. It can be whatever you want it to be.

    The Gratitude Visit

    The Gratitude Visit takes more time than the What Went Well exercise and cannot be done as often. However, even one of these visits can have a lasting impact on how you feel. Firstly, try to think of someone who has had a positive impact on your life, but you maybe have never told them just how grateful you are for the things they have done or the influence they have had in your life.

    Then, write them a letter, fully explaining the positive influence on you, and how much you appreciate them and are grateful for the things they have done.

    If the international borders were open, I would want to fly back to Australia and thank my family for their assistance following my stroke. Unfortunately, this isn’t possible because of the COVID-19 pandemic, but I want to do it the next time I get back to Melbourne.

    If you can meet up with the person you have written the letter to, please contact them and catch up together on a particular date and time. Then, when you are in person, find an appropriate place where you can read the letter to them aloud, take your time reading it to them, and allow them to respond back to you afterwards. Give each other a hug if this feels appropriate. Then be thankful that you have taken this step, try to be as fully present as possible, and enjoy the rest of your time together.

    Other Gratitude Exercises

    By browsing the Internet, there are several different gratitude exercises that you can find that I haven’t tried yet.

    You could try the Give It Up practise and deprive yourself of something you usually enjoy for one week every month. It might be chocolate one month, red wine the next month, Facebook the third month, and Playstation the month after that. By seeing how you feel with and without these activities, you might realise more about what does and doesn’t make you feel good and not take the little things in your life for granted as much.

    You could take a Savouring Walk for 20 minutes a day outside by yourself and see if you can notice different positive things that you usually do not. It might just be the intricate architecture of the building at the corner, or the smell of flowers or fresh cut grass, or the feeling of warm sun on your skin. Then see how this compares to the walks you do when you are rushing from place to place or caught up in your negative thoughts or worries.

    You could Create Savouring Rituals, where you identify activities that bring you pleasure. Then, try to savour two of these activities every day, and allow yourself to enjoy it, not multitask, and feel whatever you do during these times.

    You can also create an Awe Diary, Foster Admiration with your partner or another willing person, or try the Mental Subtraction of Positive Events or Mental Subtraction of Relationships. The Positive Psychology website is an excellent resource for more details about these exercises or the myriad benefits of gratitude.

    If you find any of them helpful in increasing how much gratitude you experience, please let me know.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Are You Looking After Both of Your Selves?

    Are You Looking After Both of Your Selves?

    Imagine that you could go on a holiday to anywhere that you want to go in the world. However, you couldn’t take any pictures or tell anyone what you got up to while you were away or afterwards?

    Furthermore, you can only experience the holiday while away and feel all the emotions you do in the present. Once the holiday is over, you will have no memory of where you went or what it was like.

    Where would you go, and what would you do?

    Next, imagine that the trip has no limitations. It is just like any other holiday that you have been on, except you have no budget. So you can take as many photos and videos as your heart desires and look back on these as much as you want.

    You can tell whoever you want to, both during the trip and for the rest of your life afterwards. You can also think back and reminisce about the trip and your memories of it as much as you would like to in the future.

    Where would you go, and what would you do?

    Would your dream holiday be the same in the first situation as it is in the second scenario? If so, do you know why? If not, why?

    For the first example, I want something fun, easy, pleasurable and relaxing. I want a resort with a pool and a spa, tasty food, 27-degree sunny weather, a cozy bed and a comfortable recliner. The resort would have a nice view, maybe of the ocean, or the mountainside. If other people came, they would have to be okay relaxing and occasionally chatting or playing a game. All cleaning and washing and any chores would all be done for me. And I could enjoy each moment as much as possible without any sign of difficulty or personal strain.

    For the second example, now a hike to the Himalayas or Macchu Picchu seems more appealing. More movement, more effort, some beautiful scenery and remarkable experiences. Having a few celebrities who come on the trek is suddenly more enticing because now I can take some snaps and share this with friends or on my social media. Alongside all of the effort that I put into the trip and the natural beauty of the place. Flying first class may even be worth it if I take some videos and photos to show off to everyone else.

    Experiential vs Narrative Self

    If I’m not going to remember the holiday or talk to others about how it was, why would I bother splashing out on heaps of money or putting in a lot of effort or even hanging out with celebrities? Comfort, ease, and enjoyment become the highest priorities. The things that make for a good story, memory or Instagram post become less so.

    This is one of the biggest dilemmas that we all have inside of us.

    We have the part of ourselves that wants to enjoy the moment as much as possible. This is the experiential self. It usually wants to do an activity that requires the least effort and is enjoyable in the short term. This is often why people procrastinate, play video games, lie on the couch, watch TV or a movie, eat junk food, etc. To this part of ourselves, it doesn’t matter if the activity is beneficial to us in the long run as long as it feels good at the moment.

    EXPERIENTIAL SELF

    Want to doHave to doWant to doHave to do
    Enjoy in the short-termYESYESNONO
    Find beneficial in the long-run????

    But we also have the part of ourselves that cares about the stories we tell about our lives to ourselves and others. This is the narrative self. It wants to do activities that are challenging, meaningful and worthwhile in the long run. Doing housework, working hard, eating healthily, exercising consistently, and child-rearing may not always be fun from moment to moment. However, they help us become what we want to tell ourselves and others that we are over time. House proud, successful, fit, healthy, and a good parent. To this part of ourselves, it cares much less about how enjoyable something is in the moment as long as it helps us tell the story about who we are and what we have done.

    NARRATIVE SELF

    Want to doHave to doWant to doHave to do
    Enjoy in the short-term????
    Find beneficial in the long-runYESYESNONO

    Because these two parts of ourselves seem so different, it can be quite hard to keep them both happy.

    Several clients I have seen prioritise the experiential self over the narrative self. They spend most of their day doing enjoyable things at the expense of anything perceived as challenging or uncomfortable. Their experiential self is satisfied, but their narrative self is not. Over time, they are likely to become more and more dissatisfied with where they are in their lives or the story they tell.

    The opposite can also happen but is seen less frequently. These individuals work all the time, never eat any junk food, or let themselves relax and have fun. Instead, they clean all the time, put the kids first nonstop, exercise excessively, and never give themselves a break. As a result, their narrative self can view themselves positively and share this with others, but their experiential self is miserable.

    Want to do vs Have to do

    To see if you could obtain a better balance in your life, ask yourself some of the following questions:

    • What are the things that you have to do in this life?
    • Which of these chores/responsibilities do you enjoy doing in the short term while you are doing them?
    • Which of these chores/responsibilities can you look back at once they are finished and feel glad that you have completed them?
    • Do any of these chores/responsibilities tick both boxes and are fun at the moment and consistent with who you want to be in the long run? Can you do more of these and less of other chores and responsibilities that don’t tick these boxes?
    • Are there any chores/responsibilities that are not enjoyable and don’t help you feel like you are the person you want to be in the long run? In other words, is there anything that you only do because you worry about what others would think if you don’t do them? Can you do less of these chores and responsibilities in your life by not doing them as much? Could you pay someone else to do them or negotiate with someone you live with to do these tasks more in exchange for you doing more of other chores and responsibilities that you enjoy and maybe they don’t?
    • What are the things that you want to do in your life?
    • Which of these activities do you also enjoy doing while you are doing them? Are you doing these things as often as you would like to? Or are you doing them too much for what feels like a good balance? Or too little?
    • Which of these activities do you not enjoy while doing them, but you can look back at them once they are finished and feel glad that you have done them? Are you doing these things in your life as often as you would like to?
    • Which of these activities do you find both enjoyable in the moment and consistent with the person you would like to be in the long run? Do you schedule enough time in your life for these sweet-spot activities?

    How balanced does your life feel between your want-to-dos and your have-to-dos?

    If your have-to-do responsibilities far outweigh your want-to-do activities, you are unlikely to be as happy and as satisfied with your life as you would like to be.

    This is likely to be the same if you are doing many things only because you worry about what others would think if you didn’t do them. For example, if you hate cleaning and ironing and can afford to pay someone to do these tasks for you weekly so that you don’t have to worry about them, what difference could that make to how you feel? Furthermore, what could you do that you might find more rewarding with the newfound time, energy and mental space you would have?

    If you are lucky enough to have at least one sweet spot activity, you will find these tasks the easiest to put your energy into and get better at over time.

    Sometimes people call these activities their passions, and they will be the easiest activities for you to persevere at for a long time. This can be how I feel editing movies or playing sport, or snow-skiing. I enjoy myself, am no longer in my head, and am fully immersed in the task. Then, before I know it, a long time has passed, and it is lunchtime or the end of the day.

    I’m sure that you have heard the famous quote: “Find something you love to do, and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.” If anything helps you feel this way or get into a state of flow regularly, you won’t regret making it a priority in your life.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychology

  • What Are the Virtues and Faults of Your Personality Style?

    What Are the Virtues and Faults of Your Personality Style?

    The five factor personality model has been researched and written about extensively. If you have never taken a Big Five Aspects Scale before, you can find out what your results are for under $10 at the Understand Myself website. A free version called the IPIP-NEO can also be found here.

    black psychologist with african american client

    Main Findings Based on the Five-Factor Personality Model

    Judge, Heller & Mount (2002) found that highly conscientious people are most satisfied with their job (.26 correlation), followed by highly extraverted people (.25 correlation), then highly agreeable people (.17 correlation), then those who are high on openness to experience (.02 correlation) People high on neuroticism were negatively correlated with job satisfaction (-.29 correlation). My introversion is the only aspect that may negatively impact how much I enjoy a job.

    For academic performance, Poropat (2009) found that agreeableness, conscientiousness and openness to experience correlate significantly to academic performance. Conscientiousness was related to academic performance in a way that was largely independent of intelligence. My personality style likely helped me to do well in school and complete eight years of university studies.

    For intimate relationship satisfaction, Malouff, Thorsteinsson, Schutte, Bhullar and Rooke (2009) found that low neuroticism, high agreeableness, high conscientiousness and high extraversion were all correlated with greater relationship satisfaction. These variables did not vary significantly from men to women or from unmarried to married individuals. Unfortunately, my introversion and low enthusiasm in particular make it a bit harder for me to be satisfied in intimate relationships.

    For citizenship, Chiaburu, Oh, Berry, Li, and Gardner (2011) found that people that are low in neuroticism, high in extraversion and high in openness to experience are more likely to engage in more individual, organization and change-oriented citizenship. Again, not being too extraverted and enthusiastic holds me back a little here.

    For occupational type, Barrick, Mount and Gupta (2006) found that extraverts are most likely to enter an enterprising career (.41 correlation). People that are high on openness to experience are most likely to enter an artistic career (.39 correlation). Some say therapy is more art than science, which may indicate why I have chosen this over a career in research.

    For clinical disorders, Malouff, Thorsteinsson and Schutte (2004) found that psychological disorders are more closely linked with high neuroticism, low conscientiousness, low agreeableness and low extraversion. Healthy populations in comparison to clinical populations show higher levels of extraversion and lower levels of neuroticism. Again, my introversion puts me at a greater risk.

    For alcohol abuse, Malouff, Thorsteinsson, Rooke and Schutte (2007) found that people that are low on conscientiousness, low on agreeableness and high on neuroticism are more likely to have difficulties with alcohol. These individuals are less likely to improve through treatment. Another meta-analytic finding by Malouff, Thorsteinsson and Schutte (2006) found that these three factors are also significantly related to smoking prevalence. Never smoked, but have drunk more than I should have at times. If I want to cut down, my personality style should help me.

    For physical activity, Sutin and colleagues (2016) found that lower neuroticism and higher conscientiousness is associated with more physical activity and less sedentary behaviour. Higher extraversion and more openness to experience is also associated with more physical activity ,and that these variables don’t change much based on age or sex. Consequently, being a bit introverted is the only factor that lets me down.

    For workplace harassment, highly neurotic people are most likely to be exposed to workplace harassment (.25 correlation), with highly extraverted and conscientious people least likely to be harassed (.10 correlation). I thought Susan Cain said it was good to be an introvert in her book ‘Quiet’, but there doesn’t seem to be much that is positively linked with Introversion?

    black and white people bar men

    What About Individual Faults and Virtues?

    Even though across the population as a whole there seems to be benefits to being extraverted, agreeable, conscientious, open to experience and not neurotic, there are advantages and disadvantages to each trait, particularly at the extremes.

    Extremely sociable, extraverted people can be dominant and impulsive, while introverted, quiet people can easily become isolated and depressed.

    Extremely open people can be scattered and overwhelmed by their own thoughts and ideas, while closed-minded people may become narrow and inflexible.

    Exceptionally conscientious people can be obsessive about order, judgmental and rigid, while their more carefree counterparts may be messy, undisciplined and careless.

    People very high in emotional stability may engage in risky, dangerous behaviour, while those who are more neurotic can become so preoccupied by anxiety and pain that they are unable to function.

    Finally, extremely agreeable people may never stand up for themselves, while those who are too disagreeable can be aggressive, callous and bullying.

    To find out your individual faults and virtues on each of the five personality factors, the Self Authoring program can help you to clarify your own personal traits and help you to clarify what you would like to strengthen and improve. Below are my results:

    Extraversion/Introversion Faults

    • Can spend too much money
    • Keep in the background
    • Lose opportunities because I am too isolated
    • Am too quiet around strangers
    • Find it difficult to approach others
    • Bottle up my feelings
    • Feel drained by social interactions
    • Have a social circle that is too small

    Extraversion/Introversion Virtues

    • Feel comfortable around people
    • Don’t mind being the center of attention
    • Can take charge and lead
    • Am skilled in handling social situations
    • Am often happy
    • Can listen well
    • Do not always talk about myself
    • Enjoy time in natural surroundings
    • Let other people have the spotlight
    • Think before I act

    Agreeable/Assertive Faults

    • Avoid conflict even when it is necessary
    • Will sacrifice my own feelings for the comfort of others
    • Can bottle up my feelings until I become resentful
    • Am polite to a fault
    • Trust people too easily
    • Can be detached and cold when others are hurt and upset

    Agreeable/Assertive Virtues

    • Trust people
    • Am interested in people
    • Feel others’ emotions
    • Inquire genuinely about others’ well-being
    • Know how to comfort others
    • Make people feel at ease
    • Am a good peacemaker
    • Am aware that malevolence exists in the world

    Conscientiousness/Carelessness Faults

    • Get obsessed with details and lose the big picture
    • Cannot stand to be late for an appointment
    • Feel that I am being unproductive if I relax
    • Believe that I have to be flawless
    • Can be contemptuous of other people and of myself
    • Find it difficult to get down to work
    • Neglect my duties
    • Frequently make excuses
    • Am sometimes willing to bend the truth to get out of an obligation
    • Feel unmotivated to complete my work

    Conscientiousness/Carelessness Virtues

    • Have a very long attention span and can work without being distracted
    • Do things according to a plan
    • Strive for efficiency and economy
    • Pay attention to details
    • Am extremely reliable
    • Always arrive at appointments early or on time
    • Am very goal-oriented
    • Do what I say I am going to do
    • Know how to go with the flow
    • Don’t waste my time thinking about little details

    Emotional Stability/Low Stress Tolerance Faults

    • Am sometimes not afraid of things I should be afraid of
    • Don’t appear to learn as well from my mistakes as others do
    • Don’t pay enough attention to costs and potential future dangers 
    • Often take counterproductive or unnecessary risks
    • Blow little things out of proportion
    • Let my fears stop me from doing things I want to do

    Emotional Stability/Low Stress Tolerance Virtues

    • Am difficult to offend
    • Am in control of my emotions
    • Calm down quickly when I do get upset
    • Seldom get disturbed or upset
    • Am rarely incautious
    • Am a cautious, careful person
    • Don’t rush into things before I feel comfortable
    • Am good at identifying the risks in new situations

    Openness/Traditionalism Faults

    • Pursue too many activities at the same time
    • Am interested in so many things that I don’t know what to focus on
    • Have a hard time planning for the future because I am interested in everything
    • Have a hard time making up my mind because I can always see all the sides of an argument
    • Am so interested in creative activities that it is hard to concentrate on things that are practical
    • Have had a hard time forming a clear identity
    • Have done crazy things just because I was curious about what might happen

    Openness/Traditionalism Virtues

    • Am quick to understand things
    • Can handle a lot of information
    • Catch on to things quickly
    • Am always learning new things
    • Spend time reflecting on things
    • Can always see new possibility in things
    • See the value in tradition and custom
    • Am resistant to radical, dangerous thoughts
    group of young multiethnic cheerful colleagues having party after workday

    So, as you can see above, your personality style is never all good or all bad. I’m sure that even if you are introverted, disagreeable, careless, neurotic and closed to new experiences, there will still be some virtues associated with your personality style. I also think that, even though it may be more of a challenge, it is still possible to find the right career or job and the right relationship and friendships for you.

    You may not be the right fit for everyone or everything, but no one is. What is more important is to first try to understand yourself, change what you would like to and are able to, accept what you do not want to or cannot change, and then find the places and people that love and appreciate you for who you are.

    Happy New Year, and all the best for 2021!

  • How to Improve Your Motivation

    How to Improve Your Motivation

    People often ask me how they can improve their motivation. Generally, I tell them that there are two big motivators in life. One is your values, or what is most important to you in your life. The other is fear, or trying to prevent the worst from happening.

    Research by Tversky and Kahneman found that losses loom much larger than gains. This means that fear is usually better for motivation than values because we are more willing to try to avoid something terrible than we are to create something good. This bias is one of the main reasons your direct ancestors survived long enough to reproduce. So without their loss aversion, you may not be here today.

    The problem with only using fear for motivation is that it triggers our fight-or-flight response. In addition, it increases our cortisol levels if we activate this response too often, which isn’t so great for our mental and physical health in the long run.

    Being motivated by our values, on the other hand, is very rewarding. We aren’t just in survival mode. We are creating the life we want, and it feels enriching.

    Intrinsic vs extrinsic values

    Values are not the same thing as goals. Instead, they are guiding principles for life. They help you identify whether you are on the right track in your life or not. If you are unsure which values are most important to you, this clarification exercise can help.

    The biggest problem with values is that it can be hard to know why your most important values are essential to you. Is it because society says they are? Or movies and TV shows? Or marketing companies? Or is it because your family or religion says so? Or just because it feels essential deep down?

    Research has found that we are much more likely to experience motivation when motivated by our intrinsic rather than our extrinsic values. Extrinsic means something outside of us. Intrinsic implies something within us.

    I remember back when I was doing my doctoral studies. I was not on a scholarship for the first six months and was studying for free. Then I was placed on an academic scholarship and was paid to learn. Being paid to study (an extrinsic factor) diminished my intrinsic motivation to study and made it harder overall. Before receiving the scholarship, I thought it would have been the opposite and that getting paid to learn would have helped me remain focused and finish my research even quicker. It did not.

    Professional sports players who start getting paid to play can feel the same way. Growing up, you couldn’t keep them off the court or field. They just loved the game. But now, it’s a job. Some NBA or NFL players refuse to play unless they get more money or are playing for a contending team. Their intrinsic motivation has become overshadowed by their million-dollar salaries.

    Volunteering in Vanuatu was the opposite. Because I was no longer getting paid to offer mental health support across the country, I could fall in love with psychology and therapy all over again. I was helping people to improve their mental health and the overall quality of their lives. I felt connected with my essential values and experienced lots of motivation.

    Three Intrinsic Ways To Build Motivation

    In his excellent book ‘Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us’, the author Daniel H. Pink says that there are three ways to increase your intrinsic motivation:

    1. Autonomy

    • What do you want to do?
    • Why do you want to do it?
    • Is it for others or for you?
    • If it is for others, do you feel forced to do it, or is it because it is important to you?
    • If it’s important to you, what personal value is being highlighted as very important for you:
      • Dutifulness?
      • Obedience or Loyalty?
      • Altruism?
      • Empathy?
      • Sympathy?
      • Being supportive?
      • Being kind or compassionate?
      • Not being indebted to others?
      • Equality or fairness?
      • Something else?

    2. Mastery

    • What skills do you want to build?
    • What do you enjoy learning?
    • What areas interest you?
    • What comes easily to you that doesn’t come easily to others?

    3. Purpose

    • What are you passionate about?
    • What is personally meaningful to you?
    • If you didn’t have to earn money, what would you do?
    • What would you want your epitaph or tombstone to say?
    • What would you want to hear someone say at your 80th birthday during a talk about you and the person you have been?
    • What do you want your legacy to be?
    • What do you want to add to the world?
    • How would you like to be remembered?
    • If the world was going to end in 2 years, and you couldn’t do anything about it or tell anyone else about it, would you do anything different to what you are doing now?
    • If your kids didn’t listen to what you said and only looked at what you did, would you change your daily actions or what you do? If so, what would you do differently?

    Is FEAR Holding You Back?

    Let’s say you know what you want to change but still struggle to do it. Perhaps FEAR is holding you back from making the changes you want to. FEAR is an acronym Russ Harris created in his books The Happiness Trap’ and ‘The Confidence Gap’.

    FEAR stands for:

    F = fusion with unhelpful thoughts

    If you are fusing with unhelpful thoughts, you need to practice defusion skills to let go of unhelpful thoughts and increase your motivation. Defusion techniques involve recognising thoughts, images, and memories for what they are. They are just words and pictures. You then allow them to come and go as they please, without fighting them, running from them or giving them more attention than they deserve. Google search Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) defusion exercises and try some until you find one that allows you to let go of unhelpful thoughts. My favourite activity is on the app ‘CBT-I coach’ in the ‘quiet your mind’ section called ‘observe thoughts – clouds in the sky’.

    E = expectations that are unrealistic

    If you have unrealistic expectations, review your goals and write the new ones down to improve your motivation. Break these goals down into smaller steps, give yourself more time to achieve them and allow yourself to make mistakes. For example, you are hoping to obtain seven hours of sleep per night, and you only sleep five hours currently. Start with improving your total sleep time by an average of 10 minutes over the next week. Once you achieve this, you can then aim for another 10 minutes. Within 12 weeks, you could get to where you want to be, so try to take the long-term approach instead of looking for a super quick fix. It is okay if you do not reach your sleep goal in one night. Just stick to your plan, and do not give up until at least two weeks have passed. Everyone has a terrible sleep from time to time, so it is important to keep realistic short and long-term goals to ensure your motivation remains high.

    A = avoidance of discomfort

    If you avoid discomfort, challenge yourself to improve your motivation by taking action. Remember that gradual exposure is the most effective intervention for any anxiety disorder, including post-traumatic stress disorder. With anxiety, we want to avoid it, but this only keeps the fear alive as our brain tells us that what we are avoiding is dangerous. So instead, we must challenge ourselves to do what we want and make room for our emotions in these moments. By doing this, we will generally realise that doing what we feared was not nearly as bad or uncomfortable as we imagined. Try expansion ACT exercises or a body scan meditation to increase your ability to sit with painful or difficult emotions. The CBT-I coach app has a body scan meditation under the ‘quiet your mind’ section that I recommend checking out.

    R = remoteness from values

    If you are not living consistently with your most important values, reconnect with them to increase your motivation. Then see if your plan or desired outcome will help you live more consistently with your most important values. If your plan will, put the list of your top values in a visible place to remind yourself why you are currently doing what you are doing. If your plan will not, change it to be more consistent with what is most important to you.

    Remember, change is generally always hard but worth it if it will help us live the life we want to be living in the end. Remembering why you are doing something is also the key to improving your motivation to push through when things get tough.

    Good luck with improving your motivation, and do let me know if these strategies help!

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • The Four Ultimate Concerns in Life

    The Four Ultimate Concerns in Life

    I’ve been afraid to say this for a while because of how it will be perceived, but my favourite book of all time is actually a textbook. So before you think that makes me someone you would never want to speak to, I’ll ask if you have ever read anything by Irvin Yalom, American Psychiatrist and Author?

    His book ‘Existential Psychotherapy’ is a true masterpiece he worked on for 10 years and is written as eloquently as any of his other titles, including ‘When Nietzsche Wept’, the best fiction novel award winner in 1992.

    What is Existential Psychotherapy?

    Existentialism is the philosophical exploration of existential issues or questions about our existence that we don’t have an easy answer for. We all suffer from anxiety, despair, grief and loneliness at times in our lives. Existential Psychotherapy tries to understand what life and humanity are about.

    In the book, Yalom explores what he considers to be our four most significant existential issues in life:

    1. Death
    2. Freedom
    3. Isolation
    4. Meaninglessness

    These existential issues or ultimate concerns are “givens of existence” or “an inescapable part” of being an alive human in our world. He shows how these concerns develop over time, how we can run into problems with each of these issues, and what they might look like in patients coming to therapy. He also talks about how we can try to live with these concerns to negatively impact our lives less, even if we don’t have clear-cut solutions to them.

    Let’s go through each of these ultimate concerns…

    1. Death

    Homo sapiens, or humans, as far as I know, are the only species in the animal kingdom that are aware that one day they are going to die.

    The first time I heard this, it fascinated me and made me wonder if life would be more comfortable not being aware that one day we cease to exist.

    Imagine it. Life is going well. Then suddenly, it is no more. No worry about what the future holds. We are born. We experience life. Then we are no longer there. No fear. Just nothingness.

    Being aware that we will die shapes and influences our lives much more than we would like to admit. This is because so many of our anxieties and phobias at their core are fear of some loss or death.

    Irvin Yalom says that while the actuality of death is the end of us, the idea of death can actually energise us.

    If we don’t know when we will die, being in touch with the fact that one day everything will vanish is enough to overwhelm some people and make them panic.

    For others, it is enough to make them follow the maxim of carpe diem and helps them to seize the day by appreciating everything they have so that they can make the most of the precious time they have left on this planet. Time is really just a bright spark of lightness between two identical and infinite periods of darkness — one before we are born and one after.

    Death is the ultimate equaliser, for no matter how much we have achieved or done with our time on this planet, the truth is that we will all one day die.

    It is also true that we will not know exactly when death will happen. It might be with a car accident tomorrow, from cancer in ten years, motor neurone disease in twenty years, a heart attack in thirty years, a stroke in forty years, or during our sleep in fifty years.

    Because our knowledge of our inevitable death is so inescapable and hard to confront and deal with directly, we instead focus on smaller and more manageable worries or concerns in our lives that we can do something about if we want to. If we successfully address all these minor concerns, however, we then come in contact with our fear of death again, and the cycle repeats itself.

    Most people tend to have one of two basic defence mechanisms against their fear of death:

    A. They can think that they are “special” and that death will befall others but not them, and try to be an individual and experience anxiety about life.

    Or

    B. They can think they are an “ultimate rescuer” and try to fuse with others and experience anxiety about death (their own mortality and that of their loved ones).

    A breakdown of either of these defences can give rise to psychological disorders:

    • narcissism or schizoid characteristics for the “special” defence, and
    • passive, dependent or masochistic characteristics for the “ultimate rescuer” defence.

    In general, trying to be an individual is a more empowering and effective defence than fusing with others. Still, the breakdown of either can lead to pathological anxiety and/or depression.

    The way to feel better about death anxiety is through an exercise called “disidentification”:

    1. To begin with, ask yourself the question “Who am I?” and write down every answer that you can think of.
    2. Then, take one answer at a time, and meditate on giving up this part of yourself, asking and reflecting on what it would be like to give up this part of yourself and your identity.
    3. Repeat this with all the other answers until you have gone through all of them.
    4. You have now disidentified yourself from all parts of your identity. See how you feel, and if there isn’t still a part of you, that feels separate from all the labels you give yourself. This provides comfort and reduces anxiety about death and life for a lot of people.

    What I try to manage death anxiety is to only focus on whatever is most important to me that I can do something about in any given moment. I try to appreciate and be grateful for the time that I have had with each important person in my life. I try to be as fully present in the moment and with others as I can be. I try to use every moment and meeting as an opportunity to impact someone’s life positively. That way, I’ll hopefully not have too many regrets and be glad for the time I have had on this planet, no matter how long it ends up being.

    2. Freedom

    The second ultimate concern is about freedom, responsibility and will.

    Every country in the world talks about fighting for the freedom of its citizens and about taking away some people’s freedom to ensure the safety and security of all. Therefore, the existential dilemma is how much freedom do we give up to others to feel safe and secure, or how much safety and security do we give up to feel genuinely free? Are these concepts in direct opposition, or is it sometimes possible to have enough of both?

    Responsibility means taking full ownership of:

    “one’s own self, destiny, life predicament, feelings, and if such be the case, one’s own suffering” — Irvin Yalom

    In the past, one’s life was set out for them by their parents or society, and many people struggled to fight for the right to live an authentic and genuine life.

    These days, most people struggle instead with the amount of choice that they have in their lives. They come to therapy because they don’t know what they want to do or how to choose, given all of the available options. They also know that if no one else is telling them what to do, it is ultimately their responsibility if things do not work out the way they want them to. People wish to choose for themselves but fear not having someone to blame when things don’t work out.

    There are various defences that we engage in to avoid responsibility and shield ourselves from freedom, including:

    • compulsivity
    • displacement of responsibility to another
    • denial of responsibility (“innocent victim” or “losing control”)
    • avoidance of autonomous behaviour, and
    • decisional pathology

    We can do something over and over again to relieve anxiety or stop thinking about things. This can present as OCD, hoarding, or any addiction ranging from technology to drugs and alcohol and even dependency on others.

    We can try to coerce others to make decisions for us or seek out and find controlling partners, bosses or friends. But, we can also play it safe and try to do what we think everyone else does; focus on keeping up with the Joneses, engaging in passive activities that don’t require much effort, and feeling stuck in an unfulfilling relationship or career.

    The problem with giving up the responsibility for how our lives turn out is that it creates an external rather than an internal locus of control. Depression and other forms of psychological disorders are more highly correlated with an external locus of control. It can also lead to learned helplessness, where people no longer feel like they can do anything to change their life in a positive direction.

    The way to manage the responsibility and freedom paradox is to develop an internal locus of control. This is generally more beneficial for most people’s well-being unless we blame ourselves or change things out of our control. This includes what has happened in the past, what other people do or say, and acts of nature.

    The serenity prayer nicely spells out how we should approach responsibility:

    “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.” — Reinhold Niebuhr

    Paradoxical intention is a good antidote too. This means that we try to do the opposite of what we typically do for a period of time and keep an open mind and observe how things go. We can then see if the outcome is better than what we usually do or if it has taught us something about what will be best for us going forward.

    Anything that creates a double bind is potentially helpful for encouraging people to take more responsibility in their lives. One way is to remind someone who struggles to make their own decisions that by not deciding, they are still making a choice not to choose. This means that no matter what they do, it is impossible not to make a decision that impacts the direction of their lives. Even if we choose to follow what someone else wants us to do, we still choose to do this. Therefore, why not take responsibility for our own lives and forge our own paths?

    3. Isolation

    There are three types of isolation:

    “A. Interpersonal isolation: isolation from other individuals, experienced as loneliness

    B. Intrapersonal isolation: parts of oneself are partitioned off from the self, and

    C. Existential isolation: “an unbridgeable gap between oneself and any other being.”

    A common way that people try to escape from existential isolation is to fuse with another fully. This is also a strategy for dealing with death anxiety, with people trying to be the “ultimate rescuer” of someone else. It can lead to an individual feeling temporarily less alone. Unfortunately, however, the less isolated we are from others, sometimes the more isolated we are from ourselves.

    Other people try to overcompensate for their feelings of isolation by never relying on anyone and trying to be fully independent. Both extremes can have negative consequences.

    The main thing we can do to manage our feelings of isolation is to realise and accept that we are social creatures and have always relied on others to survive. This drive creates a desire to feel closer to, more understood, and more connected to people than we can ever achieve and sustain.

    Growing up, many people feel loved and comforted in an unbalanced relationship towards their needs being met over their parents. They then try to reenact this within their adult relationships and usually end up feeling resentful, angry and disappointed as a result.

    Yalom believes that a good relationship involves “needs-free love”, which is about loving someone else for their sake. This is opposed to “deficiency love”, a selfish love where we only think about how useful the other person may be to us. Creating a relationship where you want the best for the other person is a healthier way to manage interpersonal isolation than demanding for them to meet every need for you.

    Some of the best solutions to intrapersonal isolation are to have time to get to know ourselves through practices such as journaling, therapy and meditation. Introverts may need to have more of this time than extroverts, so it’s important to tune into how agitated or lonely you feel to know if you have found the right balance or not.

    Unfortunately, existential isolation cannot be fully breached, and therefore needs to be accepted, as it is out of our control. To feel the pain that comes with this isolation and our desire not to have it is challenging, but it can help reduce the intensity of the feeling. Being grateful for the meaningful connections we have in our lives and trying to strengthen them without losing our sense of self is another way to lessen the intensity of the feeling.

    4. Meaninglessness

    According to Yalom and many non-religious philosophers, humans are meaning-seeking creatures in a world without a universal sense of meaning. As a result of this, most of the world turn to a religious or spiritual belief system of one type or another that clearly lays out the meaning of the world and our purpose in it. People who truly believe these systems often provide a lot of clarity, reassurance, and guidance. The tricky part is that these belief systems can vary widely, and it is hard to know which one is more correct than another or if some of them are even harmful.

    What we do know is that most belief systems tend to agree that

    “it is good to immerse oneself in the stream of life”.

    People can try to find meaning through:

    A. Hedonism: Seeking out pleasure and positive experiences and trying to avoid pain,

    B. Altruism: Dedication towards a cause that helps other people, and

    C. Creativity: Transcending oneself through art.

    Many philosophers believe that both the search for pleasure and the search for meaning are paradoxical. By this, they mean that happiness and meaning or purpose in life are tough to achieve when they are aimed at directly, but possible if they are aimed at indirectly.

    So if you or someone that you know is complaining about a lack of meaning in life, try to see if there are other issues. If possible, address these other issues first, and see if your worry about meaninglessness has lessened or gone away.

    The best indirect way to increase a sense of purpose and meaning in life is to build kindness, curiosity and concern for others. This is often best done by helping out with a charity, joining a club, fighting for a cause, or attending a group activity or group therapy.

    Yalom strongly believes that a desire to engage in life and satisfying relationships, work, spiritual and creative pursuits always exists within a person. Therefore, the key to managing meaninglessness is to remove the obstacles that prevent the individual from wholeheartedly engaging in the regular activities of life.

    We may never be able to find the absolute meaning of life. However, what we can do is work at creating a life that is personally meaningful to us.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist