Damon Ashworth Psychology

Tag: books

  • Part Nine of the Top 100 Non-Fiction Books Countdown: A Curated Guide to Personal Growth (20-11)

    Part Nine of the Top 100 Non-Fiction Books Countdown: A Curated Guide to Personal Growth (20-11)

    In our quest for personal development and understanding, certain books stand out as potentially transformational.

    For the earlier books in the countdown: 100-91, 90-81, 80-71, 70-61, 60-51, 50-41, 40-31, 30-21.

    Here are the next ten and the second last post in the countdown. Each offers unique insights into different aspects of the human experience. These range from overcoming addiction to understanding consciousness, from building wealth to processing grief. Enjoy…

    20. This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life by Annie Grace

    Goodreads star rating = 4.24/5

    Grace’s approach to alcohol dependency focuses on changing beliefs rather than relying on willpower. People can naturally reduce their desire for alcohol without feeling deprived. It is possible to do this by questioning cultural norms around drinking and understanding psychological triggers.

    What makes it special: Grace combines her business background with extensive research on addiction psychology. She creates an approach that feels empowering rather than restrictive. The book addresses the social conditioning around alcohol that most programs ignore, making sobriety feel like freedom rather than deprivation.

    Perfect for:

    • People wanting to reduce or quit drinking without feeling deprived.
    • Those struggling with alcohol dependency or questioning their relationship with alcohol.
    • Anyone interested in psychological approaches to behaviour change.

    Key takeaway: Sustainable recovery comes from changing your relationship with alcohol through mindset shifts rather than white-knuckling through cravings.

    19. Determined: A Science of Life Without Free Will by Robert M. Sapolsky

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.24/5

    Sapolsky’s exploration of free will is challenging. It argues that our behaviour is largely determined by genetics, brain chemistry, and environmental influences. These factors are beyond our conscious control. This perspective can be unsettling. However, it can foster greater compassion for others. It can also reshape how we think about justice and personal responsibility.

    What makes it special: Sapolsky is a Stanford neuroscientist who seamlessly weaves together neuroscience, psychology, philosophy, and ethics. His argument is rigorous yet accessible, challenging fundamental assumptions about human nature while offering a more compassionate worldview.

    Perfect for:

    • Readers interested in neuroscience, psychology, philosophy, and ethics
    • People exploring the nature of human agency and responsibility
    • Scholars questioning traditional notions of free will and moral responsibility.

    Key takeaway: Understanding the deterministic nature of behaviour can lead to more humane approaches to justice. It can also foster greater empathy for human struggles.

    18. Superabundance: The Story of Population Growth, Innovation, and Human Flourishing on an Infinitely Bountiful Planet by Marian L. Tupy and Gale L. Pooley

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.26

    This optimistic counter-narrative to doom-and-gloom predictions argues that human innovation consistently solves resource challenges. The authors show evidence that population growth drives innovation rather than catastrophe, and that well-functioning markets and institutions create abundance.

    What makes it special: The book challenges prevailing pessimism about population growth and resource scarcity with comprehensive data analysis. Tupy and Pooley introduce the concept of “time price.” This concept explains how long people must work to afford goods. It shows dramatic improvements in human prosperity over time.

    Perfect for:

    • Readers interested in economics, sustainability, population studies, and technology
    • Optimists and skeptics curious about long-term human prospects
    • Policymakers and thinkers focused on global development challenges.

    Key takeaway: Human creativity and innovation have historically overcome resource constraints. This suggests an optimistic future. We can achieve this through maintaining good institutions and embracing technological progress.

    17. How to Change Your Mind: The New Science of Psychedelics by Michael Pollan

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.27/5

    Pollan’s exploration of psychedelics offers a fascinating window into consciousness and the brain’s remarkable plasticity. Beyond the therapeutic potential for treating depression, PTSD, and addiction, these substances show our perception of reality is highly malleable. The book emphasizes that “set and setting”—mindset and environment—are crucial for any transformative experience.

    What makes it special: Pollan combines personal experimentation with rigorous journalism and scientific research. He bridges the gap between ancient wisdom traditions and cutting-edge neuroscience, making complex topics about consciousness accessible to general readers.

    Perfect for:

    • People interested in mental health, consciousness, and spirituality
    • Researchers and therapists curious about psychedelic science;
    • Anyone open to exploring alternative approaches to healing and self-discovery.

    Key takeaway: Consciousness is far more flexible than we imagine. Altered states can offer profound insights. This happens when they are approached with proper preparation and respect.

    16. A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters by Steven Hayes

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.27/5

    This powerful exploration of psychological flexibility teaches us that mental freedom comes not from avoiding difficult thoughts. It comes from learning to coexist with them. One of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)’s most powerful concepts is “defusion.” Hayes and ACT believe that the problem is not the thoughts themselves. It is how much we become fused with them. ACT also emphasises the importance of living according to our core values. It advises not avoiding or being controlled by momentary emotions.

    What makes it special: Hayes is the creator of ACT. He provides scientifically-backed techniques. These techniques work better than “positive thinking”. The book offers practical tools like the “thoughts as passengers on a bus” metaphor that make complex psychological concepts accessible.

    Perfect for:

    • People struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges that would like to learn more outside of their therapy.
    • People feeling stuck in negative thought patterns.
    • Therapists, counsellors, coaches or anyone seeking practical emotional regulation skills.

    Key takeaway: Suffering is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to control our behaviour. True liberation comes from psychological flexibility and value-driven action.

    15. The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark by Carl Sagan

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.29/5

    Sagan’s passionate defense of scientific thinking provides essential tools for navigating our information-rich world. His “Baloney Detection Kit” teaches us to question claims and seek evidence. It encourages maintaining healthy skepticism. At the same time, it helps preserve our sense of wonder about the universe.

    What makes it special: Sagan combines deep scientific expertise with poetic writing and genuine concern for humanity’s future. He shows how scientific thinking enhances our sense of wonder. Rather than diminishing it, this approach adds depth. Sagan argues that critical thinking is essential for democracy.

    Perfect for:

    • Anyone interested in science, skepticism, and rational thought
    • Readers concerned about misinformation and pseudoscience
    • Educators, students, and critical thinkers seeking tools to navigate complex information.

    Key takeaway: Critical thinking and scientific literacy are not just academic pursuits. They are essential life skills. These skills protect us from misinformation. They also enhance our appreciation of reality’s genuine mysteries.

    14. The Psychology of Money: Timeless Lessons on Wealth, Greed and Happiness by Morgan Housel

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.29/5

    Housel reveals that successful money management has more to do with behavior than knowledge. The power of compounding is a central theme. It emphasizes the importance of saving regardless of income level. Additionally, the wisdom of being “reasonable” rather than purely “rational” in financial decisions is highlighted.

    What makes it special: Unlike traditional finance books focused on tactics and formulas, Housel explores the psychology behind money decisions. He uses compelling stories. He provides historical examples to show why smart people make poor financial choices. Our behaviour when it comes to money trumps intelligence.

    Perfect for:

    • Anyone looking to improve their relationship with money,
    • Investors seeking long-term financial wisdom
    • People interested in behavioural finance and personal financial psychology.

    Key takeaway: Wealth is built through consistent behaviour and emotional discipline, not market timing or complex strategies.

    13. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead by Brene Brown

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.29

    Brown’s groundbreaking work on vulnerability challenges our cultural obsession with perfection and invulnerability. She argues that vulnerability is not weakness but the birthplace of courage, creativity, and change. From parenting to leadership, vulnerability transforms how we connect with others and ourselves.

    What makes it special: Brown has researched for over a decade. She debunks the myth that vulnerability equals weakness. She uses compelling data and real stories. Her shame resilience theory provides a roadmap for overcoming the fear that keeps us from authentic living.

    Perfect for:

    • Individuals seeking deeper relationships and personal growth
    • Leaders wanting to create authentic and trusting cultures
    • Parents aiming to raise emotionally healthy children.

    Key takeaway: To create authentic connections and meaningful leadership, be courageous. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Embrace imperfection.

    12. Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds by David Goggins

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.30

    Goggins presents an extreme approach to mental toughness. He introduces concepts like the “40% Rule.” When we think we’re at our limit, Goggins says we’re only operating at 40% of our true potential. His “Accountability Mirror” technique forces honest self-reflection. His philosophy of “callousing the mind” involves deliberate hardship. It is meant to build unshakeable resilience. To me, I find it too intense and not the most balanced take on being physically and psychologically healthy.

    What makes it special: Unlike most self-help books, this is brutally honest about the pain required for transformation. Goggins lived through extreme poverty, racism, and abuse, then became a Navy SEAL and ultra-marathon runner. His story is seen as inspirational for many who want to rewrite their lives too.

    Perfect for:

    • Anyone seeking extreme mental toughness and self-discipline
    • Athletes and military personnel facing intense challenges
    • People wanting practical inspiration to overcome seemingly impossible obstacles.

    Key takeaway: Goggins says that most of our limitations are self-imposed. Through extreme discipline and honest self-assessment, we might transcend what we thought was possible.

    11. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.32/5

    This compassionate guide helps us understand that grief is not a problem to be solved. It is a process to be experienced. The famous five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are not a rigid sequence. They serve as a framework for understanding the complex emotions that go with loss.

    What makes it special: This book was written by the original creator of the five-stage model, Kübler-Ross. It clarifies misconceptions about grief. It also provides practical guidance. It normalises the messy, non-linear nature of grieving and offers hope without false promises.

    Perfect for:

    • Anyone coping with the death of a loved one or other major loss,
    • Caregivers and therapists supporting grieving individuals,
    • People wanting to understand the emotional landscape of grief before they need it.

    Key takeaway: Grief is deeply personal and non-linear. Healing comes through accepting and honoring our unique grieving process rather than trying to “get over” loss quickly.

    What Resonates With You?

    Despite their diverse topics, these books share several important themes:

    • Acceptance over avoidance: Whether dealing with grief, difficult emotions, or life’s uncertainties, acceptance proves more effective than resistance.
    • The power of perspective: How we think about our circumstances often matters more than the circumstances themselves.
    • Growth through challenge: Difficult experiences, when properly processed, become sources of strength and wisdom.
    • The importance of evidence-based thinking: In finance, science, or personal development, decisions based on evidence are more successful than wishful thinking.

    Each of these books have earned high ratings. They offer practical wisdom that can genuinely transform how we think and live. They remind us that growth is possible at any stage of life. Understanding ourselves and our world more deeply is always worthwhile.

    Stay tuned for the top 10…

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Ten Books for Deep Thinking: Focus, Compassion, and Life’s Big Questions (30-21)

    Ten Books for Deep Thinking: Focus, Compassion, and Life’s Big Questions (30-21)

    My top 100 non-fiction books countdown explores some of life’s most profound challenges. It addresses how to make a meaningful difference and overcome our mental limitations. It also delves into facing mortality and cultivating wisdom in an increasingly complex world.

    For earlier books in the countdown: 100-91, 90-81, 80-71, 70-61, 60-51, 50-41, 40-31.

    Here are books 30-21…

    30. Doing Good Better: How Effective Altruism Can Help You Make a Difference by William MacAskill

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.19/5

    MacAskill introduces effective altruism—using evidence and reason to determine how to do the most good possible. This approach does not rely on intuition or emotion. It evaluates causes and charities based on effectiveness. This helps assess scalability and how neglected causes are to maximise positive impact.

    What makes it special: This book transforms charity from an emotional impulse into rigorous science. It shows how small donations can save lives when directed effectively. It challenges conventional wisdom about giving and career choices with data-driven analysis.

    Perfect for: People who want to make a meaningful difference in the world, such as donors, philanthropists, and social entrepreneurs. Additionally, anyone curious about rational approaches to ethics and giving.

    Key takeaway: Consider cost-effectiveness when giving—some interventions are thousands of times more effective than others. Choose careers based on your ability to have a positive impact. You can do this directly through your work or by “earning to give.”

    29. ‘The Brain that Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science’ by Norman Doidge

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.20/5

    Doidge reveals the revolutionary discovery of neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to reorganize and form new neural connections throughout life. Through compelling case studies, he shows how people have overcome strokes, learning disabilities, and brain damage by harnessing the brain’s capacity to rewire itself.

    What makes it special: This book fundamentally challenged how we understood the brain. Doidge encouraged us to stop thinking of it as a “fixed machine” to a more dynamic, adaptable organ. The real-life stories of recovery and transformation are both scientifically rigorous and deeply inspiring.

    Perfect for: People interested in neuroscience, psychology, rehabilitation, and self-improvement. Patients recovering from brain injuries or neurological conditions or their family and friends may be interested. Also, educators and therapists looking for evidence-based approaches.

    Key takeaway: “Use it or lose it”—neural circuits strengthen with practice and weaken without use. Mental practice, visualisation, and focused attention can physically reshape your brain, making learning and recovery possible at any age.

    28. Enlightenment Now: The Case for Reason, Science, Humanism, and Progress by Steven Pinker

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.20/5

    Pinker presents overwhelming evidence that human progress is real and measurable. Despite negative news cycles, metrics like life expectancy, poverty reduction, literacy rates, and declining violence show dramatic improvements. These improvements are driven by Enlightenment values of reason, science, and humanism.

    What makes it special: This meticulously researched book counters pessimism with hard data. It shows that the world is actually getting better by most objective measures. Pinker doesn’t ignore current challenges but provides essential perspective on long-term trends.

    Perfect for: Readers interested in history, science, philosophy, and social progress. It also suits skeptics and optimists seeking a data-driven perspective. Educators, policymakers, and advocates of reason and humanism will find it appealing too.

    Key takeaway: Progress is fragile and requires active defense through education, critical thinking, and continued application of scientific methods. Optimism should be grounded in evidence, not ideology.

    27. Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.20/5

    Burkeman argues that traditional productivity advice fails because it ignores our fundamental limitation. We don’t have an infinite amount of time. Therefore, we will always have to prioritise some things and not do others. Instead of trying to optimise everything, we should embrace our finitude, accept uncertainty, and focus deeply on what truly matters.

    What makes it special: This book is an antidote to toxic productivity culture. It offers a philosophical approach to time management that prioritises meaning over efficiency. It challenges the entire premise of most time management advice.

    Perfect for: Anyone overwhelmed by time pressure or productivity culture. It’s also ideal for people seeking a more meaningful, balanced relationship with time. Additionally, it suits readers interested in philosophy, psychology, and self-help with a realistic approach.

    Key takeaway: Stop trying to control everything and instead focus on a few meaningful projects. Embrace the “joy of missing out” and accept that some things will remain unfinished—this reduces pressure and increases presence.

    26. The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers – Straight Talk on the Challenges of Entrepreneurship by Ben Horowitz

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.21/5

    Horowitz provides unvarnished advice for entrepreneurs and leaders facing the brutal realities of building companies. Unlike business school theory, this book focuses on making tough decisions with incomplete information. It emphasises managing during crises and maintaining psychological resilience as a leader.

    What makes it special: This is a rare business book. It honestly addresses the emotional and psychological toll of leadership. Horowitz combines practical advice with vulnerable personal stories from his experience as a CEO and venture capitalist.

    Perfect for: Startup founders, CEOs, and business leaders. Entrepreneurs navigating uncertainty and growth. Anyone interested in leadership, management, and entrepreneurship.

    Key takeaway: There is no recipe for success in real-world business—you must be comfortable making decisions without perfect information. Lead with candor, focus on building strong culture, and develop systems to manage your own psychology during difficult periods.

    25. Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind: Informal Talks on Zen Meditation and Practice by Shunryu Suzuki

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.22/5

    Suzuki introduces the essential Zen concept of “beginner’s mind”—approaching life with openness, eagerness, and freedom from preconceptions. Expert’s mind, filled with fixed ideas, limits perception and learning, while beginner’s mind remains curious and receptive.

    What makes it special: This slim, profound book distills centuries of Zen wisdom. It offers accessible insights about mindfulness, acceptance, and presence. It’s both a meditation guide and a philosophy for approaching all of life with greater awareness.

    Perfect for: Beginners and seasoned practitioners of meditation and Zen. It is ideal for anyone seeking a mindful, open, and grounded approach to life. It also suits people interested in spirituality, philosophy, and self-awareness.

    Key takeaway: Maintain beginner’s mind in all activities—approach each moment with fresh attention rather than assumptions. Practice with full attention while letting go of attachment to specific results.

    24. Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN by Tara Brach

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.22/5

    Brach presents the RAIN practice—Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Nurture—as a method for developing radical compassion toward ourselves and others. This mindfulness-based approach transforms difficult emotions and experiences through kind, curious awareness rather than resistance.

    What makes it special: This book provides a practical, step-by-step method for developing emotional resilience and compassion. Brach combines Buddhist wisdom with modern psychology, making ancient practices accessible for contemporary healing.

    Perfect for: People struggling with self-criticism, anxiety, or emotional pain. It is also suitable for those seeking a practical path to mindfulness and compassion. Therapists, caregivers, and anyone interested in emotional healing might find it beneficial.

    Key takeaway: Instead of pushing away discomfort, use RAIN to befriend and understand difficult experiences. Self-compassion creates the foundation for genuine compassion toward others and healing in the world.

    23. Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death by Irvin D. Yalom

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.23/5

    Yalom, a renowned existential therapist, explores how fear of death underlies much of our anxiety and psychological suffering. He argues that facing mortality directly, rather than avoiding it, actually enhances life appreciation and reduces existential anxiety.

    What makes it special: This book tackles the ultimate taboo—death—with therapeutic wisdom and philosophical depth. Yalom combines clinical experience with personal reflection, showing how death awareness can be liberating rather than paralyzing.

    Perfect for: People struggling with death anxiety or grief. Therapists and Counsellors working with existential issues; anyone interested in existential psychology and personal growth.

    Key takeaway: Awareness of mortality does not create despair. Instead, it motivates us to prioritise what truly matters. It encourages us to live more authentically. Love and connection provide meaning that transcends individual existence.

    22. Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention – and How to Think Deeply Again by Johann Hari

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.23/5

    Hari investigates the modern attention crisis, revealing how technology companies, work culture, and environmental factors systematically fragment our focus. He argues that reclaiming deep attention requires both personal practices and systemic changes to how society is organized.

    What makes it special: This book combines personal narrative with investigative journalism. It reveals how the “attention economy” exploits human psychology for profit. Hari provides both individual solutions and calls for broader societal reform.

    Perfect for: Anyone struggling with distraction or seeking better focus. It is also ideal for educators, employers, and policymakers interested in attention and productivity. Additionally, it suits readers concerned about the impact of technology on society.

    Key takeaway: Technology companies profit from fragmented attention, deliberately designing platforms to maximize engagement at the cost of deep thinking. Reclaiming focus requires both personal boundaries and systemic changes to protect human attention.

    21. The School of Life: An Emotional Education by Alain de Botton

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.24/5

    De Botton argues that traditional education fails to teach the most important life skills: understanding emotions, building relationships, handling disappointment, and finding meaning. He presents emotional education as essential curriculum for navigating adult life with wisdom and resilience.

    What makes it special: This book fills the gap left by formal education. It teaches practical emotional and social skills through philosophical reflection. De Botton makes psychology and philosophy accessible while addressing universal human challenges.

    Perfect for: Anyone seeking practical emotional skills to improve life quality. It suits those interested in personal growth, relationships, and mental well-being. It is also for readers frustrated by traditional education’s lack of emotional focus.

    Key takeaway: Self-knowledge is foundational to emotional health—understanding your triggers, fears, and desires enables wiser choices. Balance ambition with contentment, and practice compassion and forgiveness as learnable skills.

    The Ultimate Integration

    This collection reveals the deepest patterns in human flourishing:

    • Face reality directly. Face death anxiety, attention fragmentation, or entrepreneurial challenges head-on. Growth comes from honest confrontation with difficult truths.
    • Compassion can help you transform. RAIN practice and Zen acceptance are methods you can use. Approaching ourselves and others with kindness creates the conditions for healing and growth.
    • Sometime evidence is more accurate than our intuition. Data-driven approaches often reveal counterintuitive truths. This is true whether in giving effectively or understanding brain plasticity.
    • Focus on the present. From Zen mindfulness to mortality awareness, focusing on the here-and-now enhances both peace and effectiveness.

    Your Wisdom Practice

    Remember: the books that change your life aren’t necessarily the ones that comfort you. They are the ones that expand your understanding of what’s possible. This expansion occurs when you approach yourself, others, and life’s challenges with greater awareness, skill, compassion, and courage.

    Stay tuned for the next 10 books…

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Ten Books That Could Help Shift Your Mindset and Improve Your Performance: 40-31

    Ten Books That Could Help Shift Your Mindset and Improve Your Performance: 40-31

    This is part seven in my ten part series of the top 100 non-fiction books that I have read recently. The majority of these books have a psychology focus, but not all of them do.

    The consistent theme across these ten books is asking the reader to challenge preconceived notions. They encourage readers to question ideas they already have, or provides new ways or frameworks to think about well-known topics.

    We can impact our lives in several ways. We can change our expectations. We can better understand ourselves, our brains, or how the world works. We can look at the best solutions rather than those that merely help us feel good. We can also know when to walk away and focus on what is in our control.

    For earlier posts in this countdown: 100 to 91, 90 to 81, 80 to 71, 70 to 61, 60 to 51, and 50 to 41.

    Here are books 40 to 31…

    40. The Expectation Effect: How Your Mindset Can Change Your World by David Robson

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.16/5

    Robson reveals the extraordinary power of expectations to shape our experiences and outcomes. From placebo effects in medicine to stereotype threat in performance, what we expect often becomes reality through self-fulfilling prophecies. They alter brain chemistry and neural pathways.

    What makes it special: This book connects neuroscience, psychology, and practical application. It shows how expectations influence everything from physical healing to relationship dynamics. It provides a scientific foundation for the power of positive thinking without New Age mysticism.

    Perfect for: Individuals seeking personal growth, better health, or improved performance. It’s ideal for educators and therapists wanting to leverage mindset in practice. It’s also suitable for anyone interested in the science of belief, placebo effects, and psychology.

    Key takeaway: You can consciously change your expectations through awareness of limiting beliefs, visualization, and positive self-talk. Cultural narratives also shape individual outcomes, making collective expectation management important.

    39. Misbehaving: The Making of Behavioural Economics by Richard H. Thaler

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.16/5

    Nobel laureate Thaler chronicles how behavioural economics challenged traditional economic models by showing that humans are predictably irrational. We engage in mental accounting, succumb to loss aversion, and can be “nudged” toward better decisions through smart choice architecture.

    What makes it special: This is an insider’s account of how a field was born, told by one of its founders. Thaler combines rigorous science with engaging storytelling, showing how understanding irrationality can improve policy, business, and personal decisions.

    Perfect for: Economists, policymakers, marketers, and anyone curious about why people make “irrational” decisions. It’s also ideal for readers interested in psychology, decision-making, and practical applications of behavioural science.

    Key takeaway: Small changes in how choices are presented can dramatically improve outcomes without restricting freedom. Understanding biases like loss aversion and present bias helps you make better personal and professional decisions.

    38. 21 Lessons for the 21st Century by Yuval Noah Harari

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.16/5

    Harari examines the most pressing challenges of our time. Artificial intelligence is reshaping work. Fake news is threatening democracy. Nationalism conflicts with globalism. We need new forms of education and meaning-making in an age of unprecedented change.

    What makes it special: Harari combines historical perspective with cutting-edge analysis of current trends. He offers both big-picture thinking and practical guidance. He doesn’t just diagnose problems, but explores what individuals and societies can do about them.

    Perfect for: Readers interested in current affairs, technology, philosophy, and global trends. It is also suitable for leaders, educators, and citizens who are navigating the 21st century’s complexities. Fans of Harari’s earlier works (Sapiens, Homo Deus) will enjoy this as well.

    Key takeaway: The pace of change is unprecedented, making critical thinking, adaptability, and lifelong learning essential skills. Education must shift from teaching facts to teaching how to learn, unlearn, and think critically.

    37. False Alarm: How Climate Change Panic Costs Us Trillions, Hurts the Poor, and Fails to Fix the Planet by Bjorn Lomborg

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.17/5

    Lomborg argues that while climate change is real and serious, panic-driven policies are often costly and ineffective. He advocates for pragmatic solutions focused on innovation, adaptation, and cost-benefit analysis. He believes in choosing these methods over alarmism, which can hurt the world’s poorest populations.

    What makes it special: This book challenges climate orthodoxy with data-driven analysis, advocating for evidence-based policy over emotional responses. Lomborg brings an economist’s perspective to environmental issues, prioritizing human welfare alongside planetary health.

    Perfect for: Policymakers, environmentalists, economists, and concerned citizens. It is also ideal for readers interested in climate science, policy, and economics.

    Key takeaway: Innovation and adaptation are more effective than panic-driven policies. Focus resources on cost-effective solutions that provide the greatest global benefit while avoiding measures that primarily harm the poor.

    36. Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.17/5

    Newport distinguishes between “deep work” (cognitively demanding activities performed in focused concentration) and “shallow work” (logistical tasks done while distracted). In our hyper-connected world, the ability to focus deeply has become both rare and valuable.

    What makes it special: This book offers a comprehensive philosophy. It also provides a practical system for reclaiming focus in the age of distraction. Newport combines research with actionable strategies, showing how deep work creates disproportionate value and personal satisfaction.

    Perfect for: Knowledge workers, creatives, students, and professionals aiming to maximise productivity. It is also ideal for anyone overwhelmed by distractions looking for practical strategies to regain focus.

    Key takeaway: Create rituals and environments that support deep work. Embrace boredom to train focus. Quit or dramatically reduce social media use. Schedule every minute of your day to minimise shallow work.

    35. Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.17

    Kahneman reveals how our minds function through two systems: System 1 (fast, automatic, intuitive) and System 2 (slow, deliberate, rational). Understanding these systems and their biases—from loss aversion to overconfidence—can dramatically improve decision-making.

    What makes it special: This Nobel Prize winner’s masterwork synthesizes decades of groundbreaking research in behavioral psychology and economics. It fundamentally changes how you understand human judgment and decision-making.

    Perfect for: Anyone interested in psychology, behavioural economics, or decision-making. It is also suitable for those wanting to improve their critical thinking. Professionals in business, finance, policy, and personal development could also benefit.

    Key takeaway: Most decisions are made by the fast, biased System 1. Engaging the slow, deliberate System 2 through reflection and awareness can help detect and correct systematic errors in thinking.

    34. Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic by Esther Perel

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.17/5

    Perel explores the central paradox of modern relationships. We seek both security and excitement from the same person. However, these needs often conflict. She shows how couples can maintain desire and eroticism within the safety of committed relationships.

    What makes it special: Perel brings a sophisticated perspective to sexuality and relationships. She offers a culturally informed view and challenges conventional wisdom about love and desire. Her approach is both deeply psychological and refreshingly practical.

    Perfect for: Couples who are struggling with desire and intimacy in long-term relationships. It is also ideal for therapists, counsellors, and sex educators. Additionally, it is suitable for anyone interested in understanding the complexities of love, desire, and connection.

    Key takeaway: Desire requires mystery, autonomy, and separateness—qualities that security tends to erode. Couples can cultivate erotic intelligence through maintaining individuality, exploring fantasies, and communicating desires without shame.

    33. Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away by Annie Duke

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.17/5

    Duke challenges the cultural myth that persistence is always virtuous. She shows that strategic quitting can save resources. It can also open better opportunities. She provides frameworks for making rational quit-or-continue decisions based on evidence rather than emotion.

    What makes it special: This book tackles one of the most difficult aspects of decision-making. It focuses on knowing when to give up. It does so with the poker player’s analytical precision. Duke combines decision science with practical tools for overcoming the sunk-cost fallacy and social pressure.

    Perfect for: Entrepreneurs, professionals, and creatives who face tough decisions. It suits anyone struggling with perfectionism, over-commitment, or indecision. It is also ideal for leaders seeking to foster adaptive decision-making.

    Key takeaway: Set clear, measurable criteria for success and failure before starting projects. Regularly reassess based on new evidence, and create cultures that support “good quits” rather than blind persistence.

    32. Exercised: Why Something We Never Evolved to Do Is Healthy and Rewarding by Daniel Lieberman

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.18/5

    Lieberman explains why formal exercise feels unnatural. We evolved for varied movement, not repetitive workouts. He demonstrates why exercise is still essential for modern health though. He explores how to make physical activity more enjoyable and sustainable by aligning it with our evolutionary heritage.

    What makes it special: This book bridges evolutionary biology, exercise science, and practical fitness advice. It explains both why we resist exercise and how to overcome that resistance. Lieberman debunks fitness myths while providing science-based guidance.

    Perfect for: Anyone interested in health, fitness, and human evolution. It’s also suitable for health professionals, trainers, and policymakers. This is ideal for people seeking motivation and science-based insights on exercise.

    Key takeaway: Humans evolved for varied, purposeful movement, not formal exercise. Make physical activity more sustainable by focusing on variety, enjoyment, social connection, and movements that mimic natural human activities.

    31. The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance by Timothy Gallwey and Pete Carroll

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.18/5

    Gallwey introduces the concept of Self 1 (the judgmental, controlling conscious mind) and Self 2 (the natural, capable subconscious). Peak performance occurs when Self 1 quiets down and trusts Self 2 to perform without interference.

    What makes it special: Though ostensibly about tennis, this book revolutionized thinking about performance psychology across all domains. Its principles apply to any skill-based activity, from sports to music to business presentations.

    Perfect for: Athletes, performers, and anyone seeking peak mental and physical performance. It is also ideal for people struggling with performance anxiety, self-doubt, or overthinking. Coaches and educators interested in the psychology of learning and mastery will find it valuable too.

    Key takeaway: Stop trying to control every aspect of performance and instead develop non-judgmental awareness. Trust your body’s natural abilities, stay present-focused, and let go of self-criticism to access flow states.

    The Meta-Lessons

    • Expectations shape reality. There are various ways this happens, like through placebo effects, self-fulfilling prophecies, or behavioural nudges. What we expect profoundly influences what we experience.
    • Our minds are predictably irrational. Understanding cognitive biases and decision-making flaws enables better choices in all areas of life.
    • Focus is the new superpower. In an age of infinite distraction, the ability to concentrate deeply creates disproportionate value and satisfaction.
    • Peak performance requires getting out of your own way. Whether in sports, relationships, or decision-making, overthinking and self-interference often prevent optimal outcomes.

    Choose one book to implement insights from, instead of trying all at once. Make sure that it addresses your most pressing challenge right now. Master its principles through consistent practice before moving onto the next. Remember that transformation happens through depth, not breadth—through truly understanding and applying core principles rather than collecting more information.

    The goal isn’t to read more books but to live the wisdom they contain.

    Stay tuned for the next ten books in my countdown…

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Part Six of the Top 100 Non-fiction Books: Understanding Human Nature for Personal Growth (50-41)

    Part Six of the Top 100 Non-fiction Books: Understanding Human Nature for Personal Growth (50-41)

    For the earlier titles in the countdown: 100 – 91, 90 – 81, 80 – 71, 70 – 61, 60 – 51

    Here’s the next ten…

    50. The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.13/5

    In a world of endless distractions, Keller argues that extraordinary results come from identifying your most important task. Focusing on this task above all else can lead to great achievements. Success is built sequentially, not simultaneously—like dominoes, small focused efforts compound into extraordinary outcomes.

    What makes it special: This book challenges the modern myth of multitasking. It questions work-life balance. Instead, it advocates for intentional imbalance and extreme focus during crucial periods. The “focusing question” provides a daily compass for decision-making.

    Perfect for: Entrepreneurs, professionals, creatives, or students who feel overwhelmed, distracted, or busy but unproductive. It is also ideal for anyone looking to achieve extraordinary success by simplifying their focus. Readers of Atomic Habits, Deep Work, or Essentialism will find this beneficial.

    Key takeaway: Ask daily: “What’s the ONE Thing I can do right now, such that by doing it, everything else becomes easier or unnecessary?” Time-block your first 4-5 hours for this priority.

    49. Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization by Scott Barry Kaufman

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.13/5

    Kaufman updates Maslow’s hierarchy of needs with modern research, revealing that human needs aren’t linear but fluid. Self-actualization isn’t a destination but a continual unfolding of your authentic potential, balancing security needs with growth aspirations.

    What makes it special: This book corrects decades of misunderstanding about Maslow’s work while integrating cutting-edge positive psychology research. It shows how trauma blocks growth but can be healed, and how transcendence serves something greater while including the self.

    Perfect for: Psychologists, therapists, and coaches interested in positive psychology and human potential. It is also ideal for anyone seeking personal growth, healing, and purpose beyond material success. Fans of Maslow, Carl Rogers, The Road to Character, or Man’s Search for Meaning should like it.

    Key takeaway: Self-actualization requires balancing security (safety, connection, self-esteem) with growth (exploration, love, purpose, creativity). Peak experiences can be cultivated through mindfulness, art, nature, and helping others.

    48. The Hero With a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.13/5

    Campbell’s groundbreaking work reveals that myths from every culture share the same basic structure—the Hero’s Journey. This monomyth of Departure, Initiation, and Return is not just a story formula. It is a map of psychological and spiritual growth that we can all experience in our lives.

    What makes it special: This book fundamentally influenced modern storytelling (Star Wars, Harry Potter, The Matrix). It also provides a profound framework for understanding personal transformation. It connects ancient wisdom to modern psychology through the lens of mythology.

    Perfect for: Writers, creators, and filmmakers who want to understand story structure and mythology. Thinkers, seekers, and therapists interested in personal transformation. Anyone on a journey of healing, growth, or purpose who wants a map for the inner quest.

    Key takeaway: We are all the hero of our own journey. Every challenge signifies a “threshold” to cross. Transformation requires facing our fears. We must let old versions of ourselves “die” to be reborn into a fuller life.

    47. The Status Game: On Social Position and How We Use It by Will Storr

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.13/5

    Storr claims that status—being respected and valued by others—is a fundamental human drive. It shapes everything from social media behaviour to political tribalism. We play three types of status games: dominance (power-based), prestige (skill-based), and virtue (morality-based).

    What makes it special: This book explains seemingly irrational human behaviours through the lens of status competition. It offers insights into online outrage, cancel culture and political polarisation. It’s social psychology that makes sense of our current cultural moment.

    Perfect for: Anyone interested in psychology, social behaviour, or culture wars. It is ideal for leaders, educators, and creators who want to understand group dynamics and motivation. You might also like it if you have enjoyed reading Sapiens, The Righteous Mind, or The Elephant in the Brain.

    Key takeaway: You can’t opt out of status games, but you can choose wisely. Focus on prestige games that help others rise with you, rather than dominance or virtue games that keep others down.

    46. No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz and Alanis Morrisette

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.14/5

    Schwartz shows that our minds contain different “parts” using the Internal Family Systems model. These parts include the Inner Critic, Worrier, and Protector. They often conflict but try to help us. Healing happens when our Compassionate Self befriends and leads these parts rather than fighting them.

    What makes it special: This revolutionary therapeutic approach treats internal conflict with curiosity instead of judgment. It recognises that every part was formed with a positive intention initially. It makes complex psychology accessible and practical.

    Perfect for: Trauma survivors, therapists, and anyone interested in self-compassion and inner healing. It is also suitable for people who struggle with internal conflict, self-criticism, or emotional overwhelm. Fans of mindfulness, psychotherapy, and integrative approaches to mental health will also find it appealing.

    Key takeaway: No part of you is “bad”—each has a role and positive intent. Healing requires gentle dialogue with your parts, acknowledging their fears and allowing them to relax and cooperate.

    45. Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.14/5

    Neff’s research-backed approach to self-compassion involves three core elements. The first is self-kindness instead of self-criticism. The second is common humanity, recognizing that suffering is universal. The third is mindfulness, which is balanced awareness of painful experiences.

    What makes it special: Unlike self-esteem, which depends on success and comparison, self-compassion is unconditional. It actually encourages growth rather than complacency. Neff debunks myths while providing practical tools backed by rigorous research.

    Perfect for: Anyone struggling with self-criticism, perfectionism, anxiety, or depression. It is also suitable for people seeking greater emotional resilience and well-being. Therapists and coaches wanting practical tools to help clients cultivate kindness could benefit too.

    Key takeaway: Self-compassion reduces anxiety and depression while fostering resilience and motivation. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show a good friend facing difficulties.

    44. Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by BJ Fogg

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.14/5

    Fogg’s behaviour change method focuses on starting tiny. It recommends two push-ups, not a workout. You should anchor new habits to existing routines. Celebrate right after you have successfully done what you said you would do. This approach reduces resistance and allows habits to grow naturally over time.

    What makes it special: This method is based on decades of Stanford research. It works because it aligns with how the brain actually forms habits. It’s sustainable because it doesn’t rely on willpower but on smart design and environmental cues.

    Perfect for: This is ideal for anyone struggling to build new habits. It also suits those trying to sustain behaviour change. People overwhelmed by big goals will find it offers a simple, effective approach. It’s also perfect for coaches, therapists, and productivity seekers who are looking for practical habit strategies.

    Key takeaway: Start so small you can’t fail, anchor to existing routines, and celebrate immediately. Focus on the behaviour, not the outcome—habits will grow naturally as confidence increases.

    43. The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts by Lee Baer

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.15/5

    Baer normalizes the universal experience of unwanted, disturbing thoughts—the mind’s mischievous “imp.” These intrusive thoughts don’t show our desires or intentions. They’re just mental events that become problematic when we try to suppress or fight them.

    What makes it special: This book addresses a “silent epidemic” that most people suffer with in shame and isolation. Baer explains why thought suppression backfires and provides hope through evidence-based treatment approaches like Exposure and Response Prevention.

    Perfect for: People suffering from OCD, intrusive thoughts, or anxiety. It is also ideal for therapists and clinicians treating obsessive-compulsive and related disorders. Finally, it suits anyone wanting to understand why unwanted thoughts happen and how to reduce their power.

    Key takeaway: You are not your thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are normal mental events, not reflections of your character or desires. Acceptance and mindfulness reduce their emotional impact more effectively than suppression.

    42. Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study by George E. Vaillant

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.15/5

    Vaillant draws from the Harvard Grant Study, which followed men for over 75 years. He reveals what actually predicts happiness and health. These predictors include close relationships and emotional intelligence. Healthy coping mechanisms, continued learning, and adaptability are also important.

    What makes it special: This is one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies ever conducted. It provides unprecedented insights into what makes life worth living. The findings often contradict popular assumptions about success and happiness.

    Perfect for: This book is ideal for anyone interested in psychology, aging, relationships, and well-being. It suits therapists and researchers focused on long-term mental health. It also appeals to readers seeking evidence-based insights on what leads to a meaningful, happy life.

    Key takeaway: Good relationships are the strongest predictor of happiness and health. Career success, wealth, and fame don’t strongly correlate with life satisfaction—purpose, meaning, and emotional maturity do.

    41. The Obstacle is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials Into Triumph by Ryan Holiday

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.15/5

    Drawing from ancient Stoic philosophy, Holiday shows how to transform obstacles into opportunities. This is achieved through three disciplines. The first one is Perception, which is about controlling your mindset. The second is Action, which involves taking persistent steps. The last one is Will, which means cultivating inner strength and accepting what you can’t control.

    What makes it special: This book makes ancient Stoic wisdom applicable to modern challenges. It uses historical examples to show how great leaders turned adversity into advantage. It’s philosophy that works in practice.

    Perfect for: This is ideal for anyone facing challenges or setbacks. It’s suitable for leaders, entrepreneurs, athletes, and creatives looking for mental toughness. It will also appeal to fans of Stoic philosophy or books like Meditations by Marcus Aurelius.

    Key takeaway: Practice “amor fati” (love of fate)—embrace obstacles as opportunities to build character. Focus only on what you can control: your attitude, actions, and responses to circumstances.

    These books reveal several powerful patterns for advanced personal development:

    • Focus creates extraordinary results – Concentrating effort leads to success. The One Thing emphasises singular focus. Tiny Habits highlights the power of small changes.
    • Integration beats suppression – From self-compassion to internal parts work, healing comes through acceptance and integration, not fighting or denial.
    • Ancient wisdom applies to modern challenges – Stoic philosophy, mythological patterns, and humanistic psychology offer timeless frameworks for contemporary struggles.
    • Understanding human nature enables better choices. Awareness of status games, intrusive thoughts, or relationship patterns improves decision-making. Understanding how we function (not just how we think we function) leads to wiser decisions.

    Remember: personal transformation isn’t about perfection. It’s about understanding yourself and others more deeply. Then, applying that understanding with patience, compassion, and persistent action.

    Stay tuned for the next ten books…

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Top 100 Non-Fiction Books Countdown: Part Five (60-51)

    Top 100 Non-Fiction Books Countdown: Part Five (60-51)

    For the earlier books and descriptions in the countdown: 100-91, 90-81, 80-71, 70-61.

    Here is part five…

    60. How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.09/5

    In our distracted world, most people feel unseen and unheard. Brooks reveals that we can be “illuminators” who make others feel valued. Alternatively, we can be “diminishers” who cause people to feel overlooked. The key to deep connection lies not just in hearing words, but in perceiving emotions, body language, and unspoken needs.

    What makes it special: Brooks connects interpersonal understanding to democracy and social cohesion. He makes the case that truly seeing others is a personal skill and a civic duty. It’s rare to find a book that links individual empathy to societal healing.

    Perfect for: People wanting to improve emotional intelligence. It is also ideal for therapists and coaches, partners and parents. Anyone struggling to bridge differences could benefit. Introverts or awkward conversationalists looking for practical guidance will find it helpful too.

    Key takeaway: Small moments of genuine attention—making eye contact, remembering details, asking thoughtful questions—can have profound impact on relationships.

    59. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.10/5

    Dweck’s groundbreaking research shows that how we think about our abilities shapes our success. Those with a “fixed mindset” believe talents are static. They are less likely to keep putting in effort to get better at something. In contrast, those with a “growth mindset” see abilities as things that can develop through effort and learning.

    What makes it special: It is backed by decades of rigorous research across various domains. These include schools, sports, and corporate boardrooms. This isn’t just theory. It is proven science that can be applied everywhere. The simplicity of the concept belies its profound impact.

    Perfect for: Students and educators. Parents, caregivers, therapists and coaches will find it useful. Professionals, entrepreneurs, athletes and performers might also find it beneficial. Essentially, it’s for anyone facing change, setbacks, or self-doubt.

    Key takeaway: Praise effort and strategy, not intelligence. View failures as learning opportunities rather than proof of inadequacy.

    58. The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples by John M. Gottman

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.10/5

    Trust isn’t built through grand gestures but in everyday “sliding door moments”—small opportunities to connect or turn away. Gottman’s research shows that how couples handle conflict and respond to each other’s bids for connection determines relationship success.

    What makes it special: Gottman can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy using mathematical models. This isn’t relationship advice based on opinion—it’s hard science applied to love, filled with measurable metrics and proven interventions.

    Perfect for: Couples, especially those in long-term or committed relationships. It’s ideal for therapists and relationship coaches. Individuals recovering from betrayal or disconnection could find it enlightening. Students of psychology or counselling will find it useful. Analytical thinkers interested in emotional dynamics are welcome too.

    Key takeaway: Trust is dynamic and evolves with every interaction. Focus on emotional attunement and repair attempts rather than perfection.

    57. How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.10/5

    Barrett challenges the traditional view of emotions as hardwired reactions. Instead, she reveals that emotions are constructed by our brains using past experiences to interpret bodily sensations and context.

    What makes it special: This book completely overturns everything you thought you knew about emotions. Barrett dismantles decades of psychological orthodoxy with cutting-edge neuroscience. She offers a radical new understanding that emotions are cultural, learned and therefore changeable.

    Perfect for: Psychology and neuroscience enthusiasts. Students and academics. Mental health professionals and therapists. Curious readers interested in self-understanding. Anthropologists. People interested in emotional intelligence.

    Key takeaway: Since emotions are constructed, they’re malleable. Developing emotional granularity—the ability to distinguish between different emotions—improves mental health and emotional regulation.

    56. Be Useful: Seven Tools for Life by Arnold Schwarzenegger

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.11/5

    Schwarzenegger distills his life philosophy into practical wisdom. His emphasis is on being useful—contributing meaningfully—rather than just being impressive.

    What makes it special: This isn’t typical celebrity memoir fluff. Schwarzenegger’s achievements in three distinct areas offer a rare case study. He excelled as a bodybuilding champion, a Hollywood superstar, and a politician. His story shows reinvention and sustained excellence across different domains.

    Perfect for: Anyone feeling stuck or aimless who wants clear and practical life advice. It’s also great for fans of Arnold’s life story who seek motivation mixed with personal responsibility. Young adults or career changers looking for structure and inspiration may benefit too.

    Key takeaway: Success demands sacrifice and relentless effort. Use criticism as fuel and turn every failure into feedback for improvement. Have a clear vision. Work relentlessly. Ignore naysayers. Learn from failure. Listen to mentors. Give back.

    55. Hidden Potential: The Science of Achieving Greater Things by Adam M. Grant

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.11/5

    Grant argues that success isn’t about innate ability but about character skills like grit, curiosity, and determination. He emphasises that potential is dynamic—people develop at different rates and what matters is trajectory, not starting point.

    What makes it special: Grant challenges meritocracy myths with compelling research. He shows how biased systems hide potential. The right environments can reveal greatness in unexpected places. It’s both inspiring and actionable.

    Perfect for: Teachers, coaches, leaders, and parents who want to unlock growth in others. It’s also suitable for anyone who has been underestimated or who underestimates themselves. Additionally, it’s ideal for fans of books like Grit, Mindset, or Atomic Habits who are looking for science-based, optimistic personal development guidance.

    Key takeaway: Embrace strategic discomfort as a growth zone. Progress comes from stretching just beyond your current limits, not from repeating what’s easy.

    54. Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions by Dan Ariely

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.12/5

    Ariely reveals the hidden psychological forces that drive our choices. We compare relatively rather than absolutely, overvalue free things, procrastinate on good intentions, and let emotions hijack rational thought.

    What makes it special: Through clever experiments that are both entertaining and enlightening, Ariely makes behavioural economics accessible and fun. The book reads like a detective story, uncovering the surprising patterns behind our seemingly random decisions.

    Perfect for: Anyone interested in behavioural economics, psychology, or marketing. This includes people who want to understand why we make irrational choices and how to outsmart our own biases. It is also for fans of Malcolm Gladwell, Thinking, Fast and Slow, or Nudge.

    Key takeaway: Awareness of our biases allows us to make better decisions. Plan ahead while in a “cold” emotional state to counter the effects of “hot” emotional decisions.

    53. Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People by Vanessa Van Edwards

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.12/5

    Van Edwards breaks down social interaction into three levels: first impressions, personalisation, and deep connection. She reveals that the most respected people are both high-warmth (friendly, empathetic) and high-competence (confident, skilled).

    What makes it special: Van Edwards combines rigorous research with practical techniques. She turns the art of charisma into a learnable science. Her approach demystifies social skills for introverts and gives even socially confident people specific tools for deeper connections.

    Perfect for: Professionals, leaders, and entrepreneurs who want to improve networking and people skills. Introverts who want a science-based approach to social confidence could also benefit. It is for anyone interested in nonverbal communication, charisma, and influence.

    Key takeaway: The first few seconds matter enormously. Use intentional body language, ask engaging questions beyond small talk, and focus on making others feel valued.

    52. Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives by David Eagleman

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.12/5

    Through creative tales of possible afterlives, Eagleman explores identity, meaning, and what makes life worth living. These thought experiments reveal our deep desire for purpose and connection.

    What makes it special: This isn’t philosophy or religion—it’s imaginative fiction that makes you think deeply about existence. Each micro-story is a philosophical puzzle that reframes how you see life, death, identity, and meaning in completely unexpected ways.

    Perfect for: Thinkers, dreamers, and sceptics who enjoy existential fiction or philosophical musing. It’s also for fans of Black Mirror, Jorge Luis Borges, or Ted Chiang. Additionally, it suits anyone interested in death, meaning, consciousness, or what makes a life worth living.

    Key takeaway: We are not one fixed person but many versions of ourselves. The limits and struggles of life often give it depth and meaning—perfection isn’t what we think it is.

    51. The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact by Chip Heath and Dan Heath

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.12/5

    Chip and Dan Heath identify four elements that make moments memorable. The first is elevation, which means rising above routine. The second is insight, which involves re-framing our understanding. The third is pride, capturing people at their best. The fourth is connection, deepening ties with others.

    What makes it special: This book provides a practical blueprint. It helps you engineer peak experiences rather than leaving them to chance. The Heaths research-backed framework applies whether you’re designing customer experiences, teaching students, or creating family memories.

    Perfect for: Leaders, educators, therapists, coaches, and customer experience designers who aim to create meaningful, lasting experiences. Anyone who wants to make life more memorable and emotionally resonant for themselves and others could benefit. It is also ideal for fans of Made to Stick or Drive who enjoy actionable insights grounded in psychology.

    Key takeaway: People remember peaks and endings more than duration. You can intentionally design meaningful moments rather than waiting for them to happen naturally.

    These ten books share several powerful themes:

    • Growth is possible at any stage – Whether it’s developing a growth mindset, building emotional intelligence, or recognising hidden potential
    • Relationships are central to fulfillment – From deep listening to building trust to creating shared moments
    • Self-awareness enables better living – Understanding our biases, emotions, and patterns helps us make better choices
    • Small actions compound into significant change – Whether it’s micro-moments of attention or daily efforts toward goals

    The path to a more fulfilling life isn’t about perfection. It’s about growth and connection. It requires the courage to keep learning about ourselves and others.

    Stay tuned for the next books in the countdown…

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Top 100 Non-Fiction Books Countdown: 80-71

    Top 100 Non-Fiction Books Countdown: 80-71

    This is the third part in my top 100 non-fiction books countdown. Feel free to check out part one and part two if you haven’t yet.

    Hopefully they can give you some good ideas if you are looking for a good non-fiction book to check out.

    All books have been personally read over the past eight years. Here’s books 80 to 71…

    80. So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.93/5

    Ronson explores how online mobs can destroy lives over mistakes or misunderstandings, revealing the dark side of digital justice. He shows how social media amplifies traditional shaming exponentially, often without due process or path to redemption.

    What makes it special: It is a compassionate examination of modern mob justice. It balances accountability with mercy. It highlights the lasting psychological harm of viral shaming.

    Perfect for: Anyone navigating social media, psychologists studying modern social dynamics, and readers interested in technology’s impact on human behaviour.

    Key takeaway: While the internet was supposed to democratize voice and justice, it has failed in this mission. It has created a new form of mob justice. This new form often lacks mercy, proportionality, or the possibility of redemption.

    79. This Is Marketing: You Can’t Be Seen Until You Learn to See by Seth Godin

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.93/5

    Godin reframes marketing as creating meaningful change rather than just selling. He emphasizes serving your smallest viable audience, building trust through empathy, and telling authentic stories that resonate with people’s values.

    What makes it special: Ethical marketing treats customers as humans. It does not view them as targets. This approach focuses on long-term relationship building over quick wins.

    Perfect for: Entrepreneurs, small business owners, creatives, and anyone interested in how psychology shapes buying decisions.

    Key takeaway: Marketing has evolved from a game of attention-grabbing. It is now a practice of building trust. It focuses on creating value and serving communities of people who share common values and aspirations.

    78. From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life by Arthur C Brooks

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.94/5

    Brooks explores how success evolves from fluid intelligence (quick thinking) in youth to crystallized intelligence (wisdom) in later life. He shows how embracing this transition leads to deeper fulfillment through relationships, mentorship, and purpose.

    What makes it special: A hopeful guide to thriving beyond traditional career achievements. It emphasizes the “second curve” of life focused on meaning over status.

    Perfect for: Midlife adults navigating transitions, professionals facing burnout, and anyone redefining success beyond achievements.

    Key takeaway: The second half of life can be the most fulfilling. This is possible if we’re willing to redefine success. We should embrace our changing strengths. It’s important to focus on contribution over achievement.

    77. The Courage to Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.94/5

    This dialogue-style book is based on Adlerian psychology. It argues that happiness comes from choosing your own life. It suggests you find happiness rather than being controlled by past experiences. It emphasises taking responsibility, separating your tasks from others’, and having the courage to live authentically.

    What makes it special: A philosophical approach to self-help that challenges victim mentality while promoting personal responsibility and authentic living.

    Perfect for: People seeking freedom from past burdens, those interested in philosophical psychology, and readers wanting practical wisdom about relationships.

    Key takeaway: Happiness and freedom come from taking responsibility for your own life. Avoid taking responsibility for others’ lives. Have the courage to live authentically, regardless of others’ approval.

    76. The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.95/5

    Cameron presents creativity as a spiritual practice, introducing tools like Morning Pages (stream-of-consciousness writing) and Artist Dates (solo creative outings). She helps readers recover from creative blocks and criticism to reconnect with their artistic selves.

    What makes it special: It offers a secular yet spiritual approach to creativity. This approach treats artistic expression as essential to human well-being. It is not just a professional pursuit.

    Perfect for: Anyone feeling creatively blocked, artists struggling with perfectionism, and people seeking to reconnect with play and purpose.

    Key takeaway: Everyone is creative by birthright. However, most people have been disconnected from this creativity through criticism, practicality, or neglect. Through consistent spiritual and creative practices, anyone can recover their creative voice and live a more authentic, fulfilling life.

    75. The Rational Optimist: How Prosperity Evolves by Matt Ridley

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.97/5

    Ridley argues that human progress is real and accelerating, driven by exchange and specialization. He challenges pessimistic narratives by showing how trade, innovation, and human cooperation have consistently improved living standards throughout history.

    What makes it special: Evidence-based optimism that counters doomsday thinking while acknowledging real problems, emphasizing human ingenuity and market solutions.

    Perfect for: Sceptics of progress, economists, entrepreneurs, and anyone overwhelmed by negative media coverage who wants a data-driven counter-narrative.

    Key takeaway: Human progress is not accidental but stems from our unique capacity for exchange and specialisation. We must maintain free trade and open communication for things to keep improving. If we do so, the future will be better than the past. This improvement will occur not despite problems, but because problems create opportunities for innovation and improvement.

    74. Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole by Susan Cain

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.97/5

    Cain explores how sorrow and longing contribute to human wholeness, challenging Western culture’s obsession with positivity. She shows how embracing the bittersweet in life—the mix of joy and sadness—leads to deeper creativity, connection, and meaning.

    What makes it special: It beautifully defends emotional depth. It validates melancholy and sensitivity as sources of strength. These are seen as strengths rather than weaknesses.

    Perfect for: Sensitive people who feel “too emotional.” It’s great for creatives drawing from personal struggles. Anyone grieving will find it helpful. Those sceptical of toxic positivity will also benefit.

    Key takeaway: Life’s most profound experiences and greatest achievements often come from our capacity to feel deeply. We must embrace complexity and transform our longing and pain into something meaningful and beautiful. The goal isn’t constant happiness but rather a rich, authentic engagement with the full spectrum of human experience.

    73. Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About the People We Don’t Know by Malcolm Gladwell

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.99/5

    Gladwell reveals why we’re bad at understanding people we don’t know. He explores our “default to truth” bias and the myth of transparency. Through cases like Sandra Bland and Amanda Knox, he shows how misreading strangers can have tragic consequences.

    What makes it special: It challenges assumptions about reading people. It emphasizes the importance of context over character judgments. This has profound implications for law enforcement and cross-cultural communication.

    Perfect for: Psychology enthusiasts, professionals in law enforcement or criminal justice, people working across cultures, and fans of true crime.

    Key takeaway: Our evolved psychological mechanisms for dealing with strangers are poorly adapted to modern life. As a result, we systematically misunderstand others. Recognising these limitations can help us make better decisions and avoid tragic mistakes when encountering people we don’t know.

    72. At Home: A Short History of Private Life by Bill Bryson

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.99/5

    Bryson takes readers on a room-by-room journey through domestic life, revealing the extraordinary histories behind ordinary things. He examines everything from beds to salt to staircases. He shows how our homes reflect broader social, technological, and economic changes throughout history. This is all delivered with his signature wit and humour.

    What makes it special: It makes history accessible and entertaining by focusing on the familiar. It reveals how recent many “basic” comforts really are. Bryson’s engaging, ironic tone transforms learning about mundane topics like dust, sewage, and wallpaper into an oddly addictive experience.

    Perfect for: Curious learners who enjoy witty nonfiction. History buffs interested in domestic life. Teachers and trivia fans seeking memorable anecdotes. Anyone renovating or obsessed with homes who wants historical context for their spaces.

    Key takeaway: We take for granted the comfort and privacy in modern homes. These conveniences are incredibly recent innovations. For most of human history, even the wealthy lived in conditions we’d consider uncomfortable, unsafe, and unsanitary.

    71. The Year I Met My Brain: A Travel Companion for Adults Who Have Just Found Out They Have ADHD by Matilda Boseley

    Goodreads.com star rating = 4.00/5

    Boseley’s memoir explores adult ADHD diagnosis, particularly in high-functioning women who often mask their struggles. She shows how getting diagnosed provided relief and self-understanding rather than defeat, challenging stereotypes about neurodivergence.

    What makes it special: It provides an honest and relatable account of late ADHD diagnosis. This reduces stigma and offers hope for adults who’ve struggled with shame and self-criticism.

    Perfect for: Adults suspecting they have ADHD, recently diagnosed individuals, high-achievers feeling perpetually unsettled, and mental health professionals.

    Key takeaway: Receiving an adult ADHD diagnosis can be overwhelming and life-changing. However, with research, understanding, and practical strategies, it can also be empowering. It can lead to better self-awareness and life management. The book combines personal experience with practical advice for others on similar journeys.

    Stay tuned for the next installment in the countdown next week…

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Why 18 is the New 15: The Negative Consequences of Always Wanting Our Children to Feel Special and Safe

    Why 18 is the New 15: The Negative Consequences of Always Wanting Our Children to Feel Special and Safe

    In 1970, children were “ready” to enter Grade One at Primary or Elementary School if they travelled independently around their neighbourhood (four to eight blocks from their house).

    Six-year-olds could go to the shops and buy things by themselves or walk or ride to school if close enough. Children also knew how to explain to a police officer where they lived if asked.

    These days, the police officer would probably arrest the parents for neglect if a six-year-old child was found four blocks from home by themselves.

    Times have changed, but is this always a good thing for our children?

    I remember having a lot of freedom growing up. My mother would let me and my siblings play down at the park by ourselves two blocks away from our house. My brother was 7 or 8, I was 5, and my sister was 2 or 3. We weren’t entirely alone. According to my mother, we had a pet Rottweiler watch over us too, and “she would never have let anyone hurt you kids!”.

    We rode or walked ourselves to and from school when my brother was in grade 5, I was in grade 3, and my sister was in grade 1. It wasn’t just a bike path either. We had to ride on roads, cross over a river and railway tracks, and not even at a designated crossing. My parents had to work, so we travelled by ourselves.

    After school, we’d come home, open the door, make a snack, and play some games or watch TV until our parents came back from work. We were “latch key kids”, and I don’t think we minded too much at all.

    Growing up, we played outside unsupervised by adults all the time. We were running around with the other kids on the street, playing a sport or making up games, having water bomb fights during the day or playing spotlight at night. We’d ride to the milkbar whenever we felt like ice cream or a snack and even did a paper round in the neighbourhood with my brother a few times well before we were old enough to work legally.

    There were a few scraped knees, and maybe some storm drains that we shouldn’t have gone down. But I knew how to bike ride all over town to my friend’s places by my 10th birthday. Exploring places with my friends and without any parents were some of the best memories of my childhood.

    Fast forward to 2024, and most children will have to wait until they leave their family home to get the same amount of unsupervised time outside that I had before I was a teenager. They spend less time hanging out with their friends in person, and any time they spend is likely to be supervised by their parents or done alongside them, even when they go to the local shopping mall.

    In her excellent book, ‘iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids are Growing up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy — and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood’, the author Jean Twenge says that as a result of the reduced freedom for our youth, the typical 18-year-old in 2022 is similar in maturity levels to what a 15-year-old was back in 1970.

    These days, children and adolescents are less capable of living, socialising, or working independently than the previous generations and are suffering more psychologically.

    Depression, anxiety, narcissism and deliberate self-harm have all been increasing, and dramatically so since 2012. Unfortunately, this also coincides with the widespread proliferation of smartphones into our society.

    Parents should give their children more freedom in the real world while also being more concerned about the safety of their children online. Adolescent girls appear to be particularly impacted by the introduction of the smartphone and the increased usage of social media that comes with this. As a result, suicide rates among teenage girls have risen to the point where they are now similar to suicide rates in boys of the same age.

    What would you prefer to build in a child?

    A. A conviction that they are amazing, just the way they are?

    or

    B. A belief that they can face and overcome most of the challenges they face in life if they learn from setbacks and feedback and apply themselves?

    You may answer both, but what would it be if you had to choose one?

    Self-esteem (A), defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as:

    “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself”

    or

    Self-efficacy (B), which Psychologist Albert Bandura defined as:

    “the belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the sources of action required to manage prospective situations.”

    After decades of research, we now know that focusing on building a child’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem (A) at the expense of improving their capacity and self-efficacy (B) in learning and doing things by themselves can have some adverse side effects.

    Research on Self-Esteem:

    LOW SELF-ESTEEM IS NOT GREAT

    • Low self-esteem correlates with increased violence, teenage pregnancy, suicide, low academic achievement and increased rates of school dropout (Misetich & Delis-Abrams, 2003)
    • Living alone, being unemployed, having low socioeconomic status or having a disability is linked to lower self-esteem (von Soest, Wagner, Hansen & Gerstorf, 2018)
    • 70% of girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up in some way (Dove Self-Esteem Fund, 2008)
    • Teenagers with low self-esteem have less resilience and a greater sense of hopelessness (Karatas, 2011)

    HEALTHY LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM IS BENEFICIAL

    • People with healthy self-esteem are more resilient and able to respond helpfully and adaptively to disappointment, failure and obstacles (Allegiance Health, 2015)
    • In China, self-esteem significantly predicted life satisfaction (Chen, Cheung, Bond & Leung, 2006)
    • School programs that build self-esteem in primary school children also reduce problem behaviours and strengthen connections between the students (Park & Park, 2014)

    HIGH SELF-ESTEEM ISN’T ALWAYS A POSITIVE

    • Abraham Maslow put self-esteem as a need in his hierarchy of needs pyramid. However, he later noted that individuals with high self-esteem are more apt to come late to appointments, be less respectful, more casual, more condescending, and much more willing to make themselves comfortable without bidding or invitation.
    • Carl Rogers, another Humanistic Psychologist, got so sick of new staff coming into his Western Behavioural Sciences Institute with no desire or ability to work that he once sent out a letter that said, “less self-esteem please; more self-discipline!”
    • People with fragile or shallow high self-esteem are no better off than individuals with low self-esteem. They engage in exaggerated tendencies to protect, defend and enhance their feelings of self-worth (Kernis, 2008)
    • Academic performance is weakly related to self-esteem, with some students doing worse academically after their self-esteem increased (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger & Vohs, 2005)

    Baumeister has looked extensively into the issues with some types of high self-esteem. He found that:

    • Students with high self-esteem tend to overestimate their abilities. They also like to boast to others about what they can do.
    • High self-esteem doesn’t make people more attractive to others; it just makes the individual think they are more attractive
    • Bullies at school and work tend to have higher reported levels of self-esteem
    • People with high self-esteem are more likely to take risks and engage in unprotected sex. They tend to be impulsive and not think through the consequences of a decision before acting
    • People with high self-esteem are more likely to be prejudiced against others. They tend to be smug and superior when interacting with others
    • People with high self-esteem are less likely to work through and overcome relationship conflicts. They can be abusive in relationships and assume their needs come first no matter what situation they are in
    • People with high self-esteem seem blind to their faults and are less likely to learn from experience, change or improve themselves

    Research on Self-Efficacy:

    SELF-EFFICACY HELPS PEOPLE AT WORK

    • A meta-analysis of over 100 studies found a moderately strong correlation (.38) between self-efficacy and job performance (Stakjovic & Luthans, 1998)
    • Another meta-analysis found that high self-efficacy is related to better emotional stability and greater job satisfaction (Judge & Bono, 2001)
    • Greater self-efficacy leads to less burnout for teachers (Skaalvik & Skaalvik, 2007)
    • Increased self-efficacy in nurses can improve their work performance, reduce turnover rates and protect them from exhaustion (Fida, Laschinger & Leiter, 2018)

    SELF-EFFICACY HELPS STUDENTS AT SCHOOL

    • High optimism and self-efficacy in students lead to better academic performance, greater coping with stress, better health, and more satisfaction with school (Chemers, Ju & Garcia, 2001)
    • Increased self-efficacy leads to more enthusiasm and commitment to learning in students who had previously been struggling to read (Margolis & McCabe, 2006)

    SELF-EFFICACY CAN IMPROVE HEALTH OUTCOMES

    • Patients with cancer with high self-efficacy adjust to their diagnosis better and are more likely to adhere to their recommended treatment (Lev, 1997)
    • Patients with high self-efficacy who have joint replacement surgery exercise more frequently and improve their performance more after the surgery (Moon & Backer, 2000)
    • Improving self-efficacy can increase how much previously sedentary adults exercise, which then enhances their overall health (McAuley, 1992)
    • Parental self-efficacy can reduce the risk of postpartum depression in new mothers (Cutrona & Troutman, 1986)
    • Low self-efficacy is related to anxiety (including social anxiety and panic attacks) and depressive symptoms (Muris, 2002)

    What Can We Do?

    I’d rather have my children go to a school where teachers are more like Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. Here’s an excerpt from his excellent commencement address to his son’s year nine graduating class in 2017:

    “From time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly, so that you will come to know the value of justice. I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty. Sorry to say, but I hope you will be lonely from time to time so that you don’t take friends for granted. I wish you bad luck, again, from time to time so that you will be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand that your success is not completely deserved and that the failure of others is not completely deserved either. And when you lose, as you will from time to time, I hope every now and then, your opponent will gloat over your failure. It is a way for you to understand the importance of sportsmanship. I hope you’ll be ignored so you know the importance of listening to others, and I hope you will have just enough pain to learn compassion. Whether I wish these things or not, they’re going to happen. And whether you benefit from them or not will depend upon your ability to see the message in your misfortunes.”

    Chief Justice John Roberts

    I want our kids to learn life lessons that help them gain the skills and knowledge required to function as independent adults in the world.

    I want children to be physically and mentally healthy and suffer less from emotional and psychological disorders.

    I want them to develop high self-efficacy and a belief that they can do something by trial-and-error and effort rather than assuming that they are great no matter what they can do.

    How Do We Build Self-Efficacy?

    According to Bandura and Akhtar (2008), there are four main ways to build self-efficacy in our children’s lives:

    1. Mastery experiences: Ensure that your child has regular opportunities to take on and tackle new and challenging tasks that are just outside their current level of comfort and competence. By pushing themselves with these tasks, they will gain more self-efficacy than repeating something they already know how to do.
    2. Vicarious experiences: Ensure that your children have positive role models or mentors that they can observe doing the things you want them to know how to do. It could be you, another family member, a friend of yours or a coach. Because you are likely to spend more time with them than other people, it is essential to model the behaviours, mindset and skills you want them to learn. If you do this, they can learn from you, emulate what you do, and then get feedback on how they are going and keep improving these skills.
    3. Verbal persuasion: The type of words used in self-talk and with others can significantly affect how much self-efficacy one feels. Like Dr Carol Dweck says, in promoting a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset, we need to praise effort and what children do (their actions and intentions) rather than who they are as a person or what the outcome was. It builds up a greater desire to take on more challenging tasks in the future instead of the fear of being wrong, not succeeding, or not being “smart enough”.
    4. Emotional and physiological states: We need to focus on children’s overall mental and physical health and well-being. If they are sick, tired, sleepy, hungry, stressed, depressed or anxious, it will be more challenging for them to maintain a high level of self-efficacy, and belief in their ability to successfully tackle a challenge will decrease. By helping children look after the other areas of their health, they are more likely to have the energy and confidence to take on whatever is in front of them, overcome setbacks, and persist until they have achieved their goals.

    For more information and ideas on how to help kids to build resilience and self-efficacy, please visit the Let Grow website or learn more about the Free Range Kids’ Movement.

    Crime rates are now at their lowest point since 1963. Thanks to many societal changes, your children are physically safer growing up, yet they have way less freedom. Would you be willing to supervise your children a bit less and let them do more in the real world by themselves or with their friends if it helped them grow into independent, resilient and capable adults?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Is it Better to be Completely Honest, a Strategic Truth-Teller or an Occasional Liar?

    Is it Better to be Completely Honest, a Strategic Truth-Teller or an Occasional Liar?

    I used to lie a lot growing up. Not quite as bad as Holden Caulfield in ‘The Catcher in the Rye’:

    “I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It’s awful. If I’m on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I’m going, I’m liable to say I’m going to the opera. It’s terrible.”
    ― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

    I remember lying to my mum about cleaning my room to go outside to play. So instead, I would push all the mess under the bed or throw it in the wardrobe.

    I remember lying about doing my homework so that I didn’t have to do it and could play video games. I would then lie about being sick the next day to finish the assignment I needed to do the night before.

    I remember lying about how many points I scored in basketball to friends or how many alcoholic drinks I had to my parents whenever they picked me up from a high school party.

    I even remember lying to my brother’s friend about my surfing skills (I didn’t have any) and to a classmate about how many languages I spoke (I can say maybe 30 words in Indonesian, Spanish, and Italian, but not much more).

    I think back to these moments, and I’m not proud of saying these things, but I can also understand why I did it.

    I wish I could have been a less lazy, more confident and self-assured kid who was always honest with his friends and strangers and did the right thing by his parents and teachers. But how realistic is that scenario, and is it even ideal?

    “The truth is always an insult or a joke. Lies are generally tastier. We love them. The nature of lies is to please. Truth has no concern for anyone’s comfort.”
    ― Katherine Dunn, Geek Love

    Why Do People Lie?

    We lie to:

    • fit in and pretend we are like others
    • stand out and pretend we are different to or better than others
    • seek approval from others
    • be seen as more loveable/desirable/acceptable
    • feel better about ourselves
    • avoid getting into trouble
    • protect other people’s feelings or avoid hurting them
    • be polite
    • avoid feeling hurt, sad, disappointed, guilty or ashamed
    • keep a secret
    • maintain confidentiality
    • be consistent with societal norms

    “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche

    What Happens if We Are 100% Honest?

    Jim Carrey plays the main character in the 1997 comedy ‘Liar Liar’. He’s a high flying lawyer who keeps disappointing his son Max by making promises to him that he doesn’t keep by putting work first. Finally, after his dad doesn’t turn up to his birthday celebration, Max wishes for his dad not to be able to tell a lie, and the magic of movies makes this wish come true.

    What results is some hilarious situations in which Jim Carrey’s character gets himself into trouble for telling the whole truth when it would be more polite to lie. It includes telling his secretary why he didn’t give her a pay rise, telling his boss that he has had better than her, and confessing to everyone in a crowded elevator that he was the one who did the smelly fart.

    The moral of the story was two-fold:

    1. Sometimes it is necessary to lie, or at least not always be brutally honest and say everything that comes to your mind, and
    2. By being tactful and as honest as possible, you may become a better person who upsets people less and has more authentic relationships.

    “One lie has the power to tarnish a thousand truths.“
    ― Al David

    Radical Honesty

    In 2007, A.J. Jacobs wrote an article for Esquire magazine about a month-long experiment on a movement called Radical Honesty. It was titled ‘I Think You’re Fat’ and is worth reading. Much more than the 1995 book called ‘Radical Honesty’ by Brad Blanton that initially inspired the article:

    Blanton had worked as a psychotherapist for 35 years in Washington D.C. and ran 8-day workshops on Radical Honesty that retailed for $2,800 back in 2007. Blanton says his method works, although he may distort some of the positive benefits for personal and financial gain. He’s been married five times and claims to have slept with more than 500 women and six men, including a “whole bunch of threesomes.” He also admits to lying sometimes.

    “She looks honestly upset, but then, I’ve learned that I can’t read her. The problem with a really excellent liar is that you have to just assume they’re always lying.“
    ― Holly Black, Black Heart

    I Think You’re Fat

    In Jacobs article, he wasn’t overly optimistic about Blanton’s version of Radical Honesty either. If we didn’t have a filter between what we say and what we notice in the world, in our body and our thoughts like Blanton advocates, the results would probably be less funny and more consequential than what happened to Jim Carrey in ‘Liar Liar’. He declares:

    “Without lies, marriages would crumble, workers would be fired, egos would be shattered, governments would collapse.” — A.J. Jacobs

    Jacobs found it impossible not to tell a lie during his month-long experiment but did cut down his lying by at least 40%. But unfortunately, he also scared a five-year-old girl, offended numerous people, and spoke about sex and attraction to the point where he felt creepy.

    On the positive, being radically honest did save Jacobs time, resulting in him having to talk less to the people he didn’t want to talk to and do less of the things he didn’t want to do. In addition, it saved him mental energy by not having to choose how much he would lie or massage the truth. It also meant that people were usually more honest with him in return, and he found out that his relationships could withstand more truth-telling than he expected. So, similar to the ‘Liar Liar’ take-away message, Jacobs concluded:

    1. Being radically honest all the time and never having a filter is likely to be inappropriate in many settings and lead to more confrontations with others, and
    2. We could probably benefit by being more authentic, honest and truthful with others, especially in intimate relationships, as secrets tend to weigh us down.

    “There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful. Those who lie, twist life so that it looks tasty to the lazy, brilliant to the ignorant, and powerful to the weak. But lies only strengthen our defects. They don’t teach anything, help anything, fix anything or cure anything. Nor do they develop one’s character, one’s mind, one’s heart or one’s soul.”
    ― José N. Harris

    What is a Lie?

    In his interesting small book ‘Lying’, Sam Harris defines a lie as:

    “Anything that is done to intentionally mislead others when they expect honest communication.” — Sam Harris

    Omission vs Commission

    In ‘Lying’, Sam Harris distinguishes between lies of commission, where the person is active in their intent to deceive, and the more passive act of omission, where the person fails to do something or say something they probably should. Both are deceptive and misleading to the audience who is the target of the action or lack of action.

    Harris believes that lies of commission are a more serious violation of ethics and likely to be more harmful. It is similar to how pushing someone in front of a train is a more serious ethical violation than not saving someone who was hit by a train when you had a chance to do so.

    Harris argues for people to stop all forms of commission and says that we can enhance our world, build trust and improve relationships by always being honest in our communication. While he believes that omission is also lying, he does not think that we can or should eliminate all forms of omission. Instead, he says that “skilful truth-telling” is sometimes required to be both honest and tactful in our words and avoid causing unnecessary harm.

    Let’s look at the following three examples to see the difference between radical honesty, lying and skilful truth-telling.

    SCENARIO ONE: Your husband asks if he looks fat in an outfit that you honestly believe isn’t flattering for him. You could say:

    A) “Yeah. You do look fat. I’d say about 10 pounds overweight. Maybe you should skip dessert for a while.”

    B) “Not at all, sweety. You look amazing!”

    C) “You look nice, but I think I prefer the black jumper and blue jeans I bought you a few weeks ago. Want to try that one and see which one you feel better in?“

    SCENARIO TWO: Your sister and her family are in town for the week and have decided to stay at your place for the whole time because they want to save money. You don’t dislike them, but you’d prefer to be catching up on your work that you are behind on. On night four, she notices you are a little tense and asks if you mind them staying there. You could say:

    A) “I do. I wish you weren’t so tight and could have paid for a hotel if you planned to stay more than three nights. A week is pushing it, and I’d prefer you left.”

    B) “Mind? Are you kidding? I love it. The more, the merrier, I always say! Stay for as long as you’d like.”

    C) “It’s a busy week for me in terms of work, so it wasn’t ideal timing for me. If I seem a bit tense, I’m sorry. I do want to be able to help you guys out because family means a lot to me.“

    SCENARIO THREE: You’ve been unemployed for six months and get a job interview to wait tables at a restaurant in town. You’d ideally prefer an acting job. The restaurant boss asks what your career plans are, as they want to hire someone who will stick around. You could say:

    A) “Well, acting has always been my passion, so this is just a stop-gap job to pay the bills and put food on the table. I couldn’t care less about the job or your restaurant. I want a regular paycheck so that I can pay my rent and bills until I get a real job.”

    B) “I’d love to become a professional waiter. I’ve always thought that providing great service to people is my calling in life, and I plan to stick around for at least five years and show everyone just how amazing your restaurant is. So I’m in it for the long haul.”

    C) “I’m not too sure about what will happen with my career, but at this stage, I’d like to be able to work here. I am available seven days a week and will put in 100% effort whenever I am on shift. I am also willing to learn whatever skills are required, and I can promise that I will give you as much notice as possible if my plans ever do change in the future.“

    In each scenario, A is the radically honest response, B is the active lying or commission response, and C is the skilful truth-telling response. Some truths are unsaid in the C responses, which is technically a lie of omission.

    Many people still believe that omissions are a big no-no:

    “When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.”
    ― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

    “A lie that is half-truth is the darkest of all lies.”
    ― Alfred Tennyson

    “At times to be silent is to lie. You will win because you have enough brute force. But you will not convince. For to convince you need to persuade. And in order to persuade you would need what you lack: Reason and Right.”
    ― Miguel de Unamuno

    “People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I’ve learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one’s reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one’s master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person’s view requires to be faked…The man who lies to the world, is the world’s slave from then on…There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all.”
    ― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

    Is it Ever Helpful to Lie to Ourselves?

    The short answer is yes. It is psychologically healthier to be slightly optimistic rather than entirely realistic. Research indicates that people with depression are often more realistic in their appraisals of situations and other people’s judgments than people without depression. Most “healthy people” believe that they are better drivers, more intelligent, better workers, better parents, and better lovers compared to the average person.

    People lie to themselves because they like to feel that they are important and maybe more unique or special than they are. To prove this point, how would you feel if someone told you that you were just “average”? People also like to see themselves as good people who behave in particular ways for sound reasons. Even people that consistently cause harm to themselves or others.

    Anyone with an unhealthy addiction becomes an expert at lying to themselves and others. This secrecy and dishonesty only further fuel the sense of depression, shame and guilt that people with addiction feel. As long as they are in touch with the truth of the situation and the consequences of their actions. Most addicts are not, however, thanks to in-built defence mechanisms.

    Defence mechanisms are mostly subconscious or unconscious methods that we engage in to protect our ego or positive sense of self. Some of the more famous ones are denial, humour, repression, suppression, rationalisation, intellectualisation, projection, displacement and regression. My personal favourite is reaction formation (click here for a full description of these defence mechanisms and how to identify yours). Most people will deny engaging in defence mechanisms if you ask them directly about it, but they’ll tell you that others do. The reality is we all lie to ourselves at times, and maybe we need to lie to maintain a “healthy” outlook on ourselves, others, the world and our future.

    “The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche

    “I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.”
    ― S.E. Hinton, The Outsiders

    “The best lies about me are the ones I told.”
    ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

    “Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they’re honest about everything.”
    ― Chuck Klosterman

    So What Can We Do?

    The most accurate recommendations that I could find on lying were also some of the simplest:

    “If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today.”

    ― Bruce Lee

    “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.“

    Mark Twain

    I agree with Sam Harris that it is a worthwhile aim to never be actively dishonest. Furthermore, this approach is consistent with one of Jordan Peterson’s better rules from his ’12 Rules for Life’ book — Rule #8: “Tell the truth — or, at least, don’t lie“

    The philosopher Robin Devenport wouldn’t agree with either Harris or Peterson. He states:

    “it is impossible for anyone to be truly honest about many things, as long as he (or she) carries biased perspectives, hidden resentments, unresolved longings, unacknowledged insecurities, or a skewed view of self, to name just some inner human conditions… if absolute honesty is impossible, then we are all liars by nature, at least to a degree.”

    Dan Ariely concludes in his excellent book ‘The Honest Truth about Dishonesty’ that we all tend to lie to everyone, especially ourselves. We lie only as much as we know we can get away with, but not so much that it becomes hard to keep seeing ourselves as good people.

    Devenport continues:

    “Perhaps the best we can do, then, is only to lie in ways that are intended to promote another’s well-being or spare her unnecessary pain, and so further our integrity. The ‘noble liar’ is someone who tries to live by good intentions, even if that means intentionally lying to another person, if doing so is the lesser of two evils…Before we cast too harsh a judgment on the liar, let’s first understand what his motives are.”

    Robin Devenport

    We all need to be as honest as we can, especially with those we love and make sure that it is for a good reason when we lie. We also need to realise that it will never be possible to be 100% honest about everything to anyone, including ourselves, and that is okay. Other people won’t be 100% honest with you or themselves either, which doesn’t make them bad people. It’s what we lie about and why that matters.

  • Why Do Some People Cheat in Relationships and Others Remain Faithful?

    Why Do Some People Cheat in Relationships and Others Remain Faithful?

    With the development of the internet, dating websites, social media, smartphones and dating apps, it is now easier than ever for someone to cheat on their partner or spouse.

    This same technology can also make it easier to get caught due to the potential digital trail created by these unscrupulous liaisons.

    The Ashley Maddison hack and the scandal were examples of technology helping people have extramarital affairs and leading to them getting caught. The hackers tried to blackmail the company and many users and then released all their details in a massive data leak when users did not meet their demands. As a result, families broke up; and the scandal ruined reputations and even lives in the aftermath.

    The consequences of infidelity continue to have a devastating impact on individuals, partners, children and society. Yet, it remains a prevalent issue in every country and culture. Maybe even more so today with the advent of technology.

    Given the massive changes that we have gone through in the past 30 years, I am interested in finding out the prevalence rates of cheating, if our attitudes towards infidelity have changed, and if there is anything that we can do about it.

    What is Cheating?

    The definition of cheating depends on who you talk to and their expectations for their relationship. The stereotype is that males tend to perceive cheating as exclusive to physical encounters or actions. In contrast, females also see emotional infidelity as cheating. Emotional cheating is sharing something with someone you wouldn’t say to your partner. Many people also believe that relationships that exist purely over the internet or phone are also cheating, especially if you share explicit words, photos, or sexual acts on these devices.

    Weeks, Gambescia and Jenkins (2003) define infidelity as a violation of emotional or sexual exclusivity. The boundaries of exclusivity are different in each couple, and sometimes these boundaries are explicitly stated, but they are usually merely assumed. Because each partner can have different assumed limits, it is difficult for all exclusivity expectations to be met (Barta & Kiene, 2005).

    Leeker and Carlozzi (2012) believe that when someone has a subjective feeling that their partner has violated the rules around infidelity, sexual jealousy and rivalry naturally arise. If an act of adultery has occurred, the consequence is often psychological damage, including feelings of betrayal and anger, impaired self-image for the person cheated on, and a loss of personal and sexual confidence (Leeker & Carlozzi, 2012).

    Prevalence of Infidelity

    Most of the research presented in this post comes from the surprising and entertaining book ‘Modern Romance’ by Aziz Anzari (the actor and comedian) and Eric Klinenberg (a Sociologist).

    Unfortunately, people who are suspicious of infidelity sometimes have a reason to be. More than half of all men (60%) and women (53%) confess to having tried to mate-poach before. Mate-poaching means that they attempted to seduce a person out of a committed relationship to be with them instead. I can’t believe that these figures are so high.

    I also can’t believe that in “committed relationships”, where the partners are not married to each other, the incidence rate of cheating is as high as 70%.

    It gets a little bit better for married couples, with only 2–4% of married individuals admitting to having an extramarital affair over the past year in the USA. However, this increases to 30% of heterosexual men and 25% of heterosexual women who will have at least one extramarital affair at some point during their marriage. It’s scary to think that nearly one-third of all married individuals have affairs. However, it’s good to know that two-thirds of all married people stay faithful to their spouse.

    Attitudes Towards Extramarital Affairs

    In ‘Modern Romance’, an international study examines people’s views on extramarital affairs across 40 countries.

    84% of people strongly agreed that cheating was “morally unacceptable” in the USA. In Australia, 79% view extramarital affairs as morally unacceptable. Canada, the UK, South America and African countries all have similar rates of cheating disapproval as Australia. Areas with the highest disapproval rates are typically Islamic countries, with 93% of those surveyed in Turkey stating that marital infidelity is morally unacceptable, second only to Palestinian territories with 94%.

    France is the most tolerant country for extramarital affairs, with only 47% saying that cheating is unacceptable. Unsurprisingly, they also happen to be the country with the most extramarital affairs. The latest data indicates that 55% of men and 32% of French married women admit to having committed infidelity on their spouse at least once. The second most tolerant nation is Germany, with 60% finding extramarital affairs morally unacceptable. Italy and Spain are equal third, with 64% each.

    Expectations vs Reality

    When you compare the level of disapproval towards infidelity with the data on the actual prevalence of extramarital affairs, the numbers don’t quite add up. Furthermore, many people who cheat themselves still condemn the practice and would not be okay with being cheated on themselves.

    A Gallup poll on cheating found that disapproval of infidelity is higher than animal cloning, suicide and even polygamy. Although it is against the law, being married to two people is seen as less offensive than being married to one and breaching the honesty, trust and connection that you share with your partner.

    People also differ between their beliefs and practices regarding whether or not to confess infidelity.

    A Match.com US survey found that 80% of men and 76% of women would prefer their partner to “confess their mistake… and suffer the consequences” rather than “take their secret to the grave”. However, the excuse given by most people who have cheated and haven’t told their partner is that they didn’t want to hurt their partner. Interestingly, they only worry about their actions’ impact on their partner after the unfaithful act has already occurred and not beforehand.

    Unfortunately, most people try to keep their affairs to themselves and make excuses for their behaviour while demanding at the same time that their partners own up to their indiscretions if they stray. If their partner does own up, they are likely to treat them harshly for it, because, after all, cheating is considered morally unacceptable by most.

    Why Do People Cheat?

    Dr Selterman from the University of Maryland looked into why 562 adults cheated while in a “committed” romantic relationship. He found eight main reasons given for why the infidelity occurred:

    1. Anger: seeking revenge following a perceived betrayal
    2. Lack of love: falling “out of love” with a partner, or not enough passion or interest in the partner anymore
    3. Neglect: not receiving enough attention, respect or love (#1 reason for women)
    4. Esteem: seeking to boost one’s sense of self-worth by being desired by or having sex with multiple partners
    5. Sexual desire: not wanting sex with their partner or wanting to have sex more with others (a common reason for men)
    6. Low commitment: Not clearly defining the relationship as exclusive or not wanting a future with their partner or anything too serious
    7. Variety: Want to have more sexual partners or experiences in their lifetime (a common reason for men)
    8. Situation: Being in an unusual scenario, such as under high stress, under the influence of alcohol or a substance, or on vacation or a working holiday (a common reason for men)

    Interestingly, these factors suggest that infidelity doesn’t always reflect how happy or healthy a relationship is. Instead, it says more about the person who commits adultery and their personality rather than anything else.

    Ways to Reduce the Likelihood of Infidelity

    In ‘Modern Romance’, the authors explain that passionate love inevitably fades within every relationship. A loss of passionate love could lead to infidelity if people don’t realise that this may indicate how long they have been together, not an issue with their relationship.

    Companionate love, or that sense of building a life and a legacy with a partner, is different to passionate love. It can continue to grow across a relationship and a lifetime rather than decline with time. Couples in their 60s and 70s often rate their relationship satisfaction as much better than when they were younger and trying to raise children together and work full-time.

    One way to reduce the likelihood of committing infidelity is to build companionate love and a shared life and legacy together, rather than equating real love with passion.

    In his classic book ‘On Love’, philosopher Alain de Botton said that:

    “Perhaps the easiest people to fall in love with are those about whom we know nothing…we fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as beautiful, intelligent and witty as we are ugly, stupid and dull.”

    Alain de Botton

    It’s much easier to idealise or become infatuated with someone you don’t know well. Because you can imagine that they are perfect or have none of the flaws that your current partner (or you) possess.

    The quickest cure for infatuation is to get to know the person a bit more (without breaching the infidelity norms of your relationship) and realise that they are just as flawed as the rest of us. Once you understand this, leaving one flawed relationship for another and having to start all over again carries much less appeal.

    In another of his excellent books, ‘The Course of Love’, de Botton states:

    “When we run up against the reasonable limits of our lovers’ capacity for understanding, we musn’t blame them for dereliction. They were not tragically inept. They couldn’t fully fathom who we were — and we could do no better. No one properly gets, or can fully sympathize with anyone else… there cannot be better options out there. Everyone is always impossible.”

    Alain de Botton

    de Botton is not saying that we shouldn’t leave abusive and neglectful partners. He means that we need to avoid imagining that there is “a lover (out there) who will anticipate (all) our needs, read our hearts, act selflessly and (always) make everything better. (This) is a blueprint for disaster.” No one is perfect. Try to be grateful for what you have with your current relationship. Trying to make your current relationship as good as possible is much healthier than imagining that “the one” could be around the corner.

    We still have the issue of love and sexual desire typically being separated in our society. Esther Perel, couples therapist and author, points this out better than anyone in her groundbreaking book ‘Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic’:

    “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling… our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness… (but) it’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned (their) sense of autonomy… Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”

    Esther Perel

    A way to keep the spark of desire alive is to ensure that even though you do many things with your partner, you must also do some things individually.

    Perel also agrees that both love and desire can be maintained or grown over time with effort and a specific way of looking at things:

    “For [erotically intelligent couples], love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time. Marriage is not the end of romance, it is the beginning. They know that they have years in which to deepen their connection, to experiment, to regress, and even to fail. They see their relationship as something alive and ongoing, not a fait accompli. It’s a story that they are writing together, one with many chapters, and neither partner knows how it will end. There’s always a place they haven’t gone yet, always something about the other still to be discovered.”

    Esther Perel

    What About If Infidelity Has Already Occurred?

    If cheating has already taken place, many people say that too much pain has occurred, trust has been breached and broken, and leaving is the best thing to do. However, breaking up may not be the most straightforward, practical, or best solution in other cases. For individuals in these cases, I would recommend reading Perel’s more recent book ‘The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity’.

    In this book, Perel says that:

    “Once divorce carried all the stigma. Now, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame.”

    Perel warns against only judging the cheating, as this closes all further conversation about what happened and why. It also makes it hard to know where to go from there. Instead, Perel believes that it is much better to see an affair as a symptom of a troubled relationship or a troubled person.

    If the person is troubled, and they are remorseful for what they have done and willing to try to make amends and not cheat again, they must get help to address whatever issue led to the infidelity in the first place. But, on the other hand, be wary if they are unwilling to get help and work on themselves but merely say it won’t happen again.

    If it is the relationship that was in trouble, relationship counselling may help too. Perel says that:

    “Infidelity hurts. But when we grant it a special status in the hierarchy of marital misdemeanors, we risk allowing it to overshadow the egregious behaviors that may have preceded it or even led to it.”

    If both people in a relationship can take ownership of the behaviours they engaged in that caused pain and hurt to the other and are willing to start again to build a stronger relationship, they can have a healthy relationship in the future. It’s just never going to be the same as things were before the infidelity took place.

    My Personal Opinion

    Monogamy is sometimes challenging, but it is a choice. So is continuing to work at having a healthy relationship. We may not always have complete control over what we initially think or feel, but we do have the capacity to consider things properly before acting.

    Relationship researcher John Gottman found that couples who turn towards each other when there is an issue in their life are much more likely to stay together. Couples who turn away from each other or turn against each other when fighting are more likely to break up.

    One study found that newlyweds who remained married six years later turned towards each other 86% of the time when issues arose. Newlyweds who were divorced six years later only turned towards each other 33% of the time. Turning towards your partner when a problem occurs is the key to a close and connected relationship and is much less likely to result in infidelity or breaking up.

    For me, it comes down to personal values. I want to have a close and connected relationship with openness, honesty, and trust. I don’t want to feel like I have to hide anything, and I don’t want to do anything that I am not personally okay with or that I know would hurt those I care about the most.

    Anything that we hide from our partners tends to lead to greater distance and a feeling of disconnection. Especially with stuff we feel ashamed of or know is dishonest or disrespectful. Our body language, micro-expressions and tone of voice also tend to reveal how we genuinely feel over time if we hide something, even if we wouldn’t like to admit it.

    Existential philosophers believe that our biggest challenge in life is to come face-to-face with the true nature of who we are. Over time, our actions rather than our intentions become our character or who we are. I aim to be the best partner and person that I can be and learn from any mistakes that I make along the way so that I hopefully never repeat them. What about you?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • 6 Thinking Traps That We All Fall Into

    6 Thinking Traps That We All Fall Into

    Snow in Las Vegas — I never thought that could happen! But it did, in December 2008, when I took the photo below. Luckily an American friend warned me how cold it could get in the winter. Otherwise, I would have expected it to be hot, just like the other two times I had previously been there. After all, it is a desert, and I had to drive through Death Valley, the hottest place on the planet, to get there each time. But, unfortunately, my past experiences had negatively impacted my ability to predict the weather in winter.

    vegas 18

    But why was this so?

    Have you ever wondered why past experiences can damage judgment?

    or

    Why should you never accept a “free” drink?

    Why do we prefer a wrong map to no map at all?

    Why should you forget the past when making a decision?

    Why is less sometimes more?

    and

    Why is a lame excuse better than none?

    ‘The Art of Thinking Clearly’ by Rolf Dobelli answers all of these questions and more. He lists 99 cognitive biases or thinking errors that research has shown trap us. Each chapter is only 3–4 pages in length, introduces a cognitive bias, gives an example of what it is, and advises avoiding these errors. It has sold over a million copies and is extremely popular in Europe. I would highly recommend it for anyone who wants to be as effective as possible at work and as happy as possible outside of it.

    Here are the answers to the above questions:

    1. Association Bias

    As well as me expecting Las Vegas always to be hot, our past experiences can also affect our judgment through the development of superstitions. For example, let’s imagine that I’ve played an excellent game of Basketball. My mind may reflect on the game afterwards and think about what led to me playing so well. Even though it is unlikely to be a particular cause, I could attribute it to the bowl of pasta that I ate for lunch, or that I had the orange and not the red Powerade during the game, or that I wore my unique socks that were just the right level of thickness and comfort. I then try to do these same things again the next game in precisely the same way, but I don’t play as well. Instead of breaking this association then and there, my mind is more likely to look for other reasons I didn’t play so well and try to avoid these things for the next game. Pretty soon, if I’m not careful, I have 20 things that I must do to play well, and I’m still not playing any better because I’m stressed about having all of the things go “just right”. In reality, the thing that may have allowed me to play well in the first place was that I was relaxed and engaged fully in what I was doing, without having to do anything except play the game.

    I see the same issue in individuals with insomnia, who “can’t sleep” unless they have their eye mask on and earplugs in, even though they aren’t sleeping well anyway, and they used to sleep well without these rituals in the past.

    The Russian Scientist Ivan Pavlov first discovered the association bias with classical conditioning. He was studying the digestive system of dogs, and he realised that the dogs were able to quickly associate two previously unrelated things (bell = food) if they occurred in close enough proximity to each other. While responding to a bell that signals dinner time is helpful because the dog is better able to eat and digest their food, it may be less valuable if they became hungry and started salivating each time they heard the bells of a local church. We can apply this to humans too. Not eating a poisonous berry that has previously led an individual to be sick would increase their likelihood of survival, but not being able to enjoy any berries and the antioxidant properties inherent in these may reduce their health over time.

    The reality is that many things in this world are out of our control and that sometimes things just come down to luck. However, our mind doesn’t like to think this and tries to develop an illusion of control by assuming that merely correlated things are causally related. Just because carbon emissions and obesity have increased since the 1950s doesn’t mean that increased carbon emissions lead to an increased risk of obesity. Many different factors are likely to explain our generally expanding waistlines much more efficiently.

    The solution is to realise what is in your control and read up on what research has shown to be helpful for whatever you are trying to do. Then, focus on what you can influence, and accept whatever you can’t. For example, carbohydrate loading before a big game or race could be helpful, as could electrolytes when dehydrated. It’s unlikely that the colour of the Powerade or the socks had anything to do with how well I played, however.

    Don’t let one experience influence how you react to similar situations in the future. Instead, build up a bigger sample size of experiences before deciding if the two things that your mind is trying to create an association between are helpful for you to maintain. For example, if 10 minutes of mindfulness consistently leads to a better quality of sleep for two weeks in a row, it is worth keeping up. If not, let it go and see what else can help.

    2. Reciprocity

    I remember a few summers ago stopping off at a winery to do a “free wine tasting” with my brother and father on the way to a hike. Fortunately, I didn’t enjoy drinking wine and declined, buying some food and a drink from the cafe instead. However, my brother and father participated, and both walked out with at least two bottles of wine each from the cellar door, at what I thought was a fairly hefty price.

    Robert Cialdini, a Psychologist, has studied reciprocity and has found that people struggle to be in another person’s debt. Where possible, they will naturally feel the urge to repay the favour so that things seem equal or balanced again. Whilst this can lead to a collaborative and cooperative society, some people know about the pull of reciprocity all too well, using it to their advantage to get what they want when they want it. For example, a lot of pharmaceutical companies used to go to extreme lengths (and may still try at times) to get doctors to use their products with patients, ranging from giving them pens or a nice bottle of alcohol to sponsoring conferences and all-inclusive weekends away at a lovely beach resort somewhere in the Caribbean. Even those Timeshare nights where you get a “free dinner” may not sound like such a good idea if you understand our natural urge to repay the debt to someone who gives us something for free.

    The solution is to think twice before saying yes to something if you don’t want it.

    3. Availability Bias

    Imagine this scenario:

    Your 9-year-old child comes to you and asks if they can go to the house of either of their two friends on the weekend — one family has guns in the place, and the other family has a swimming pool.

    Which house would feel safer?

    If you said the family with the swimming pool, you would be wrong, but I don’t blame you for thinking it. It is an availability bias, where what comes to your mind most quickly is confused with what is right. We assume that guns are more dangerous than swimming pools but don’t realise that firearms are often locked away in a safe and secure spot in the house, whereas kids can quickly drown in a swimming pool if left unattended, even briefly. In the US, as pointed out in a Steven Levitt article, one child under ten drowns annually for every 11,000 pools, whereas a gun kills only one child under ten for every million guns. So swimming pools are almost 100 times more likely to kill children under ten than guns. When we think of pools, we don’t think of them as a death trap typically, but instead, we think of summer and fun with family and friends.

    We are much more likely to think of the risk of death and severe injury when thinking about guns. Therefore, our risk map is often wrong, replacing what is right with what information comes to our mind the easiest. We tend to overestimate the risk of dying from a plane crash or murder and underestimate the health risks associated with smoking, binge drinking, an unhealthy diet and inactivity.

    The solution is to look at the statistics and to spend time with people who think differently than you. We need external sources to understand that what is most available isn’t always true.

    4. Sunk Cost Fallacy

    This problem was posed to me when I was learning about this phenomenon at University:

    Let’s imagine that you have booked an upcoming holiday for yourself and have already put down a non-refundable $500 deposit towards this trip. However, you still have $400 to pay. You are looking forward to this trip but wished that you were going with some friends, as you usually don’t enjoy solo trips as much.

    You speak to your friends who say they have already booked a trip for the same week. Of course, it’s not as lovely a place, but it will only cost you $400 a week, and you do prefer going on a trip with friends than by yourself.

    What do you do?

    The sunk cost fallacy occurs when people let their past investments, whether time, money or emotions, influence their decision about what they should do going forward. Both trips will only cost you $400 from this point onwards, so the $500 you have already spent shouldn’t factor into it. So the only logical thing to do is to take the holiday that you are likely to enjoy more. I hate to waste money, so I probably would decide to say no to my friends and try to enjoy the holiday by myself as much as possible or see if I could get another friend to come along. It doesn’t make it the right choice, however.

    So how does this play out in your life? Should you stay in a university course, job, or relationship because of how far you have already come, even if it is evident that it is no longer the right choice for you and that another option would lead to higher happiness? It’s a tricky question again because we are horrible at predicting what will make us happy in the future, as highlighted in the book ‘Stumbling on Happiness’ by Dan Gilbert.

    The solution is to use a surrogate and find out the level of happiness of someone who has just completed what you would like to do. Check out the reviews if it’s a holiday, movie, show, or restaurant. If everyone else wants it, there is a good chance you will, too, so go for it. And if you don’t, don’t feel that you have to see it through to the end just because you have started it. Instead, close the book you aren’t enjoying, turn off the movie, or quit the course, providing that you think there is a better option that will allow you to achieve your long-term goals. Be brave, forget the past, and do what is likely to serve you best going forward.

    5. The Paradox of Choice

    Have you ever noticed how the more of something there is, the harder it is to choose? It is a problem with online dating, cable television, potential career options, deciding what to eat for dinner, and where to go on a holiday. The more decisions we have to make, the more tired we become, but there seems to be a constant need for precisely this everywhere we turn these days. For example, we used to be able to order a coffee. Now it has to be a tall (or another size), skinny (or no milk, 1%, 2% or full cream) soy (or almond or regular cow’s milk), decaf (or caffeinated weakly or extra strong), caramel (or no sugar, raw sugar, stevia, white sugar or other flavours) macchiato (or espresso, latte, flat white or cappuccino) without the cream on top (or with cream, foam or powered chocolate). No wonder people sometimes become nostalgic for when there were fewer choices, and things just seemed to be more straightforward.

    In his book ‘The Paradox of Choice’, Barry Schwartz, a Psychologist, talks about an experiment performed at a supermarket where they offered 24 different jelly samples to customers on day one and six different jelly samples on day two. Which day sold more jelly? Day two, by ten times the amount. Too many options led to indecision and paralysis, and many left without getting any jelly. On the other hand, providing fewer choices made it easier to choose which one they liked the best, and they bought it. So while we may always think that more potential partners, channels, dinner options, and holiday brochures equal a better final decision and outcome, this isn’t always the case. Extensive selections often lead to more unfortunate choices and more significant discontent after a decision.

    The solution is to think carefully about what you want before searching through the options. For example, if you watch a recent horror movie set in outback Australia, Wolf Creek is likely to be a clear winner. Then once you have made your decision, stick to it, at least for a set period, before reviewing the situation and deciding once again. Another research study found that people were happier with their decision when they could not take it back than when they could change their mind whenever they felt like it in the future.

    6. ‘Because’ Justification

    This one is great because it just doesn’t seem like it would work, but it does. In the 1970s, Ellen Langer, a Psychologist, experimented in a Harvard library. She asked numerous people to cut to the front of the line at a photocopier.

    She asked, “Excuse me; I have five pages” in the first scenario. “May I use the photocopier?” 60% of respondents agreed to it.

    She asked, “Excuse me; I have five pages” in the second scenario. “May I use the photocopier because I’m in a rush?” 94% of respondents agreed to it.

    She asked, “Excuse me; I have five pages” in the third scenario. “May I go before you because I have to make some copies?” 93% of respondents agreed to it.

    Notice how the third scenario asks the same thing as the first scenario, with no other reason apart from needing to make copies. Anyone else in the queue at the photocopier needs to do this. Yet because the word ‘because’ is used, 33% more respondents agree. Overall, only 1% less than for those in a rush. So the second excuse is seemingly much better, and one that you would expect more people to allow if they weren’t in a big hurry themselves.

    Therefore, the solution is to justify your reason whenever you want to do something or get away with something, even if the idea isn’t convincing or logical. It may give you that extension that you need on the assignment because you preferred to go to the party on the weekend or get you out of the speeding ticket because it was more fun to go fast. So I dare you to try it next time, because it very well may work.

    There are plenty more thinking errors that most of us succumb to from time to time or all the time. I am sure that I will touch on these more when talking about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in more detail. Until then, check out ‘The Art of Thinking Clearly’, ‘Thinking Fast and Slow’ by Daniel Kahneman, or ‘Predictably Irritational’ by Dan Ariely if you are interested in learning more.

    Once we realise that we are not as rational and in control of our actions as they seem, it becomes a lot easier to be compassionate towards ourselves after we fall into the same trap for the 100th time. The key is to identify once you have fallen into the trap and learn the steps and skills you need to get yourself out.

    Also, a big thanks to Feedspot for featuring Damon Ashworth Psychology at #1 on the top 35 Australian Psychology Blogs on the web.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist