Damon Ashworth Psychology

Tag: books

  • 10 Traits of Highly Successful People

    10 Traits of Highly Successful People

    Tom Butler-Bowden’s book ’50 Success Classics: Winning Wisdom for Work & Life from 50 Landmark Books’ suggests ten characteristics that successful people have. They are:

    1. An optimistic outlook

    In ‘Learned Optimism,’ Martin Seligman shows that having an optimistic mindset or favourable expectations towards the future leads to better mental and physical health. Upbeat individuals have better immune functioning and are less likely to develop depression (Carver et al., 2010). They are also more likely to persevere in tough challenges and are more likely to experience psychological growth following a traumatic experience (Prati & Pietrantoni, 2009). Optimism can also reduce mortality rates over four years (Galatzer-Levy & Bonanno, 2014) and forty years (Brummett, Helms, Dahlstrom, & Siegler, 2006).

    The good news is that you can develop an optimistic mindset. A recent meta-analysis by Malouff and Schutte (2016) showed that across 29 studies, an individual’s optimism level does significantly increase with training. The most effective way to do this is with the ‘Best Possible Self’ intervention:

    “Imagine yourself in the future after everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded in accomplishing all the goals of your life …” — Boselie et al., 2014, p. 335

    Optimism training works. However, it would be best to keep it up as the benefits typically wane once the intervention has finished.

    2. A definite aim, purpose, or vision

    “The primary cause of success in life is the ability to set and achieve goals. That’s why the people who do not have goals are doomed forever to work for the people who do. You either work to achieve your own goals or work to achieve someone else’s.”

    Brian Tracy

    Although I like this quote, Stephen Covey provides a caveat when he says that there is no point exerting all of your energy climbing up a ladder leaning against the wrong wall. First, we must determine where it is that we would like to climb.

    “The key to prospering and adapting in the coming decades amidst an ever-escalating rate of change is to first be clear about and resolutely dedicated to what you stand for and why that should never change. You must then be just as resolutely willing to change absolutely everything else.”

    J.W. Marriott Jr.

    Successful people are clear on what their values are and what they stand for before taking purposeful action. Values clarification and committed action are two of the six essential components of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT, with the other four elements focused on teaching clients mindfulness skills. According to the American Psychological Association, ACT has strong research support for chronic pain and modest research support for depression, anxiety, OCD and psychosis.

    Chase and colleagues (2013) found that goal setting alone did not affect students grade point averages (GPAs) across a semester. However, it did when they provided training in values clarification alongside goal setting—furthermore, clarifying values before setting goals also significantly reduced the dropout rate of these students the following semester (Chase et al., 2013).

    3. A willingness to work hard and persevere

    “There is absolutely no limit to what plain, ordinary people can accomplish if they’re given the opportunity and the encouragement and the incentive to do their best. It takes risk, hard work, knowing where you want to go and being willing to do what it takes to get there.”

    Sam Walton

    Professor Angela Duckworth studied the West Point Military Academy students over some years and determined which ones graduated. She knew that each cadet admitted to West Point was intelligent, physically fit, with excellent grades and test scores. However, she was also aware that nearly 6% of the cadets dropped out during the first seven weeks (Beast Barracks training), and one-fifth dropped out before graduation.

    Eventually, Duckworth identified two qualities that were more predictive than anything else for determining which students made it to the end: 1. passion and 2. perseverance. Together, they make up a quality known as grit. People who score high in grit are much more likely to put in the effort required, do whatever it takes and persist until they succeed. She has since found that grit is a great predictor of success in other areas too.

    “Often we are caught in a mental trap of seeing enormously successful people and thinking they are where they are because they have some special gift. Yet a closer look shows that the greatest gift that extraordinarily successful people have over the average person is their ability to get themselves to take action.”

    Anthony Robbins

    4. Discipline to work until goals are achieved

    “Undoubtedly, we become what we envisage… Genuine success requires both courage and character — patience, discipline and rationality.”

    Claude Bristol

    Duckworth and colleagues (2010) have also researched self-discipline and show that you need to sustain this for long-term commitment and implementation. Without this self-discipline, adolescents struggle to set long-term goals and strive towards them.

    Fortunately, it can be improved using two strategies:

    1. Mental contrasting — elaborate upon a future that you desire with the relevant obstacles that you currently face.
    2. Implementation intentions — identify the action you will take when an opportunity arises that is relevant to your goal.

    Compared to a control writing exercise, eleventh-grade students who spent 30-minutes writing on the above two strategies completed over 60% more practice questions in preparation for a high-stakes exam. Because of the writing exercises, they had a higher level of self-discipline in pursuing a meaningful goal (Duckworth et al., 2010). Over time, self-discipline can result in higher knowledge, deeper understanding, and better results and grades.

    “The first step on the road to success is good character. The second is openness to new perspectives. The third is ensuring that daily action is shaped by higher aims, with the knowledge that you always reap what you sow.” 

    Stephen Covey

    5. An integrated mind utilising both logic and intuition

    In his excellent book “Thinking, Fast and Slow”, Daniel Kahneman talks about our two systems of interpreting the world.

    The first one, appropriately named ‘system one,’ is perceived quickly, instinctual, and generally our emotional reaction or intuition. ‘System two’ takes more effort and time to access but is also more rational and logical.

    As Kahneman shows in his research, people typically use heuristics when making decisions or judgments. Heuristics are generally adequate but not optimal solutions to severe problems. Heuristics use our first system and help us conserve brainpower, but they are only accurate about 80% of the time.

    Successful people can utilise both system one and system two. System one is excellent if the decision has minimal long-term consequences, such as what to have for dinner. If the decision has potentially significant implications, however, such as whether or not to buy a house or change jobs, the more energy depleting and accurate system two will be better, even if it takes more time to come up with the correct answer for you.

    “Stroll through the open spaces of time to the center of opportunity. Wise hesitation ripens success and brings secrets to maturity. The crutch of time can do more than the steely club of Hercules.. Fortune gives large rewards to those who wait.”

    Baltasar Gracian

    6. Prolific reading

    Reading fiction is great for developing empathy towards others. It provides an opportunity to see inside the characters heads and experience their inner world in a way that you often don’t get in movies or TV shows. It helps develop imagination, as the brain creates the visual images that it reads in words on the page. Thirty minutes of reading can significantly reduce stress, as indicated by lower systolic and diastolic blood pressure and lowered heart rate (Rizzolo, Zipp, Stiskal & Simpkins, 2009).

    I love reading non-fiction because I can learn from experts in psychology and related fields for such a low cost. If I were to see them give a talk or book a one-on-one consult, I might be paying up to $1000, and it would only be scratching the surface of all of the fantastic knowledge that they have accumulated in their lives. That is if I could even get a chance to see them. A book in comparison is $30 or less and contains the majority of their pearls of wisdom in one place. Sure, some books can take a while to get through. However, the value for money and knowledge gained is worth it.

    “The movers and the shakers of the world are often professional modellers — people who have mastered the art of learning everything they can by following other people’s experiences rather than their own.” 

    Anthony Robbins

    7. The willingness to take risks

    There is a big difference between constantly engaging in risky behaviour and being willing to take risks when it is a sound decision to make. Someone like Sir Richard Branson has taken many chances with his Virgin empire, and if it weren’t for these risks, he wouldn’t have been able to expand and grow at the level that he has. For optimal success, you need to take some degree of risk.

    “People that don’t risk anything will inevitably find themselves behind those that do. You can lead a change or it can lead you.”

    J.W. Marriott Jr.

    However, recent research on female and male CEOs supports the notion that too much risk isn’t a good thing either. Faccio, Marchica and Mura (2016) found that firms run by male CEOs tend to make riskier decisions, with generally higher leverage and more volatile earnings than firms run by female CEOs. They are also less likely to remain in operation than firms run by female CEOs (Faccio et al., 2016). More significant risks may lead to higher growth but also a higher risk of overall collapse.

    8. Understanding the power of expectation

    Successful people think big instead of small and believe that they can achieve anything they set their mind to, even if it takes more effort, setbacks and time than they initially envisioned. Furthermore, look out if thinking big combines grit, a growth mindset, and the right timing. There’s no saying how much someone could achieve.

    “When our attitude toward ourselves is big, and our attitude towards others is generous and merciful, we attract big and generous portions of success.” 

    Napoleon Hill and W. Clement Stone

    Research indicates that individuals who believe they can improve are more likely to grow (Bergsma, 2008). Higher expectations strengthen hope, increase determination and goal completion (Geraghty, Wood, & Hyland, 2010). Higher expectations of the outcome can also improve distress tolerance (Williams, Thompson, & Andrews, 2013).

    9. Developing mastery in what is most important to them

    “The world does not dictate what you shall do, but it does require that you be a master in whatever you undertake.” 

    Orison Swett Marden

    While it may be tempting to try to learn as many different things as possible, the saying “jack of all trades; master of none” often becomes the consequence for people that try to take on too many different projects or career paths all at once.

    Warren Buffett once said to his pilot that he should write down the top 25 things he wanted to do in life. Then circle his top 5 priorities and label items 6–25 as “avoid at all costs” until you complete items 1–5.

    Reaching mastery can take a long time. In many cases, up to 10,000 hours of deliberate practice, as proposed by Malcolm Gladwell and Anders Ericsson. Ten thousand hours equates to nearly 7 hours a day of deliberate practice, every day, for four straight years. So it makes sense not to spread yourself too thin unless you want to develop mastery in nothing.

    “I believe the true road to pre-eminent success in any line is to make yourself master of that line. I have no faith in the policy of scattering one’s resources.” 

    Andrew Carnegie

    10. Well-roundedness and balance

    Developing proficiency and accumulating achievements in one area of your life may not mean much if you are not a success as a person.

    “No kind action is ever lost. You will be indebted to these trifles for some of the happiest attentions and the most pleasing incidents of (your) life.” 

    Andrew Carnegie

    After watching ‘The Founder’ movie based on the life of Ray Kroc, I was appalled by how willing he was to trample on anyone in his way throughout his pursuit of wealth and power without a second thought. He ignored his first wife, poached the wife of another business associate, didn’t keep his word, and screwed the initial founders of McDonald’s for millions of dollars annually.

    Ray Kroc was also a workaholic, with his famous catchphrase “if you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean” still repeated throughout McDonald’s franchises worldwide.

    “Without time for recovery, our lives become a blur of doing unbalanced by much opportunity for being.” 

    Jim Loehr & Tony Schwartz

    Suppose you dedicate no time to personal growth, spiritual growth, health, relaxation, leisure, relationships and community. Then, it would become tough to have the well-being, vitality, meaning and support required to achieve ongoing success.

    My two cents

    Remember, relationship warmth is the number one predictor of long-term health and happiness, not how much money you have in the bank or how hard you have worked.

    Focus on building genuine connections and a sense of belonging with others who embrace you for who you are. Don’t let old friendships go by if they give you these things.

    “Various scientific studies have proven that if you learn how to deal with other people, you will have gone about 85% of the way down the road to success in any business, occupation, or profession, and about 99% of the way down the road to personal happiness.” 

    Les Giblin

    Try to be kind, compassionate, patient and accepting to others, but also yourself. No one is perfect, and we all fall into the same traps time and time again. However, if you can learn from these mistakes, you will improve and grow.

    Lastly, try to accumulate positive experiences, not things. Materialism and consumerism are empty pursuits, void of meaning and purpose. Doing fun, new or helpful things alongside the people you love never is.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • What Makes Some Things Fade Fast, and Others Stand the Test of Time?

    What Makes Some Things Fade Fast, and Others Stand the Test of Time?

    After writing blog posts for the last eight years, I find it quite interesting to see which articles are immediately successful and which remain successful over a long period.

    The most popular blog post that I have written since 2015 is titled ‘How Have Intimate Relationships Changed Over the Years, and Where Does it Leave Us Now?’. It was first published in May 2016 and did okay initially. However, it continued to build over time, and its most successful month for post views was April 2018, nearly two years after it was first released.

    Most posts tend to track like the typical movies at the cinema, a book at the book store, or a song at the record store (back when they still existed). Their biggest week of views (or sales) tends to occur right near the start, and a lousy opening release indicates that the overall views (or sales) aren’t likely to be that great either. Very rarely, this isn’t the case.

    Movies

    At boxofficemojo.com, they even talk about and predict opening multipliers for films or how much a movie will gross compared to its opening weekend takings. One of the most significant drops was the remake of ‘Friday the 13th’ in 2009. It grossed over $40 million in the first week, less than $8 million in the second week, and only $65 million all up on the US Box office. It was a multiplier of only 1.625, indicating no staying power. Essentially, anyone who wanted to see it saw it as soon as it came out, and that was it.

    At the opposite end of the spectrum, you have ‘La La Land’, which started with just over $9 million in ticket sales in the US in the first week, but over $12.5 million the second week and more than $151 million at the US box office all up. Good reviews and Oscar buzz must have played a bit of a role, as its overall take was nearly 17 times that of its opening weekend. In 2005, ‘Sideways’ produced a multiplier of almost 30 times its opening weekend, and ‘Titanic’ and ‘ET’ remained at #1 at the US Box office for 15 and 16 weeks, respectively.

    Avatar is the highest-grossing movie of all time worldwide. It stayed in release for 238 days and grossed 2.924 billion dollars. Titanic, released in 1997, is still the fourth highest-grossing movie worldwide. Avatar: The Way of Water is third. James Cameron directed all three movies. He knows how to make films that impact people.

    Songs

    In the UK, Wet Wet Wet pulled their song ‘Love is All Around’ after 15 weeks at number 1 on the charts, and Gnarls Barkly did the same with their song ‘Crazy’ after nine weeks at #1. Maybe they worried about being one-hit wonders. Can anyone remember any of their other songs?

    Other songs may not have even been that big at the time but continue to be hits months and years after first being released. For example, ‘Mr Brightside’ by the Killers, ‘Chasing Cars’ by Snow Patrol and ‘My Way’ by Frank Sinatra never even reached number 1 on the UK charts but remained in the top 100 singles chart for 203, 166 and 133 weeks in total respectively.

    Books

    ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho stands out like no other with books. Initially, sales were so slow when first published in Portuguese in 1988 that the publisher gave back the author’s rights after a year. Since then, it has gone on to win over 100 international awards, been translated into 80 languages, and sold over 65 million. Publishers also rejected Harry Potter 12 times before it was finally accepted and sold millions of copies worldwide.

    So how do some movies, books and songs defy the odds and have seemingly miraculous staying power? I’m not sure if the exact reason is fully known, but it does seem to be that they all make an emotional impact on the audience and come out at the right place and the right time to have the effect that they do. One year earlier or later, and the same magic just may not be recreated. It’s why remakes often fail.

    What if you could recreate that, though? Are there particular elements that all big successes have? That helps things go viral? That leads to the box office or New York Times bestselling gold?

    What Makes Ideas Hang Around?

    Most watched videos on YouTube of All-Time:

    1. Baby Shark = 9.58 billion views (released June 2016)
    2. Despacito = 7.61 billion views (released January 2017)
    3. Johny Johny Yes Papa = 5.85 billion views (released October 2016)
    4. Shape of You = 5.51 billion views (released January 2017)
    5. See You Again = 5.31 billion views (released April 2015)
    6. Bath Song = 4.60 billion views (released May 2018)
    7. Learning Colors — Colorful Eggs on a Farm = 4.53 billion views (released February 2018)
    8. Masha and the Bear — Recipe for Disaster = 4.47 billion views (released January 2012)
    9. Uptown Funk = 4.34 billion views (released November 2014)
    10. Phonics Song With Two Words = 4.27 billion views (released March 2014)
    11. Gangnam Style = 4.24 billion views (released July 2012)

    Looking at the above list of the most-watched videos on YouTube, are there any similarities that seem evident to you?

    Yes. All of the top 11 are either music videos or videos for children. So there is something about these videos that make adults and children want to watch them again and again. But what is it?

    In their book ‘Made to Stick’, Chip and Dan Heath show that any successful idea has two essential qualities:

    1. It is memorable, and
    2. People are eager to pass it onwards

    They also say that successful ideas have the following six elements: the acronym SUCCES. They are:

    S — Simple: They manage to uncover the core of the idea and don’t complicate it too much beyond that. Like a boy survives evil, but his parents don’t; gets rescued from an awful family; goes to wizard school, and is the one chosen to save the day.

    U — Unexpected: They surprise people and grab their attention by doing something unexpected. ‘Gangnam Style’ definitely did this.

    C — Concrete: They make sure an idea can be grasped and remembered later. Like this plot: Poor boy meets rich girl on a big boat; they fall in love; the ship hits an iceberg and sinks; the rich girl doesn’t share the door; the poor boy dies.

    C — Credible: They make an idea believable or give it credibility. Expert or celebrity testimonials in ads might be the best example of this.

    E — Emotional: They help people see the importance of an idea. Watch ‘Sugar’ by Maroon 5, and you’ll know that it has a clear emotional tone (surprise, joy), and the message is unmistakable (Having a famous band turn up to play at your wedding would make a pretty cool story to tell the grandkids one day).

    S — Story: They empower people to use an idea through the power of a story. Would you please think of how successful Marvel has been with their movies through the power of storytelling and how DC hasn’t quite managed the same? ‘Batman vs Superman’ sucked.

    Yes, I am aware that they didn’t include a final S in their acronym, but maybe that is Heath’s way of being unexpected. Nevertheless, I still find it annoying.

    If you found any of this information memorable or valuable, please feel free to share it or pass it on to others. This post probably won’t be the next ‘Mr Brightside’, and that’s okay by me. I’m happy to compromise.

    Also, a big thanks to Feedspot for featuring Damon Ashworth Psychology at #1 on the top 35 Australian Psychology Blogs on the web.

  • Can Psychologists and Psychics Read Minds?

    Can Psychologists and Psychics Read Minds?

    When I tell people that I am a clinical psychologist, people often ask, “Are you reading my mind right now?”

    The fascinating thing about the question is that it isn’t what psychologists do.

    Sure, I can pick up on other people’s emotions much more than I could before I started clinical work. I’ve also become more skilled at reading people’s body language and tone of voice and what this might mean. These skills could help me be a better poker player, but not a psychic.

    Do people get a psychologist and a psychic confused?

    I want to hope not, but I’m also sure that I’ve never met another psychologist who has claimed to be a mind reader.

    Well, maybe some of my friends and I used to during our undergraduate studies, but we weren’t psychologists yet, and we weren’t psychics. Just using some silly tricks that we had read in the book ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss, an exposé on the pick-up-artist community. So when anyone asked us if we could read their minds, we would say one of two things:

    1. Think of a number between 1 and 10.

    Go ahead, think of it.

    It turns out that a surprisingly high number of people say 7. When people guessed this, and we got it right, they confirmed their beliefs that we were mind readers.

    2. Imagine you are driving along a road in the desert, and in the distance, you see a cube up ahead on the side of the road. What size is the cube (small, medium, big)? Is the cube opaque (see-through) or solid? What colour is the cube? Now imagine that there is a ladder near this cube. Where is it?

    With each response, an “hmm, interesting” was all we would say until the person answered all questions.

    We would then give generic, generally positive responses such as:

    • big cube = extraverted
    • opaque = open and easy to get to know
    • red = passionate
    • the ladder on top of cube = high achiever

    The funny thing was that people were generally pretty happy with their analysis and were sufficiently impressed with our mind-reading skills.

    The Problem With Horoscopes

    It often perplexes me how horoscopes in the newspaper apply to the 600 million+ people globally that have that star sign. But, of course, it’s also fascinating how many people read them each day and believe in what they say. But maybe that is typical of me as a Sagittarius to be a doubter and an unbeliever. Who knows.

    In my year 11 Psychology class, I remember a little experiment that our teacher did with us. To begin with, we were all described our personality based on our horoscope. I have programmed this article to figure out your character based on your horoscope to give you a sense of its accuracy. Let me know how accurate my description of you is from 0 = poor to 5 = excellent:

    1. You need other people to like and admire you.
    2. You tend to be critical of yourself.
    3. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage.
    4. While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them.
    5. Disciplined and self-controlled outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside.
    6. At times you have serious doubts about whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing.
    7. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations.
    8. You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others’ statements without satisfactory proof.
    9. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others.
    10. At times, you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while you are introverted, wary, and reserved at other times.
    11. Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic.
    12. Security is one of your primary goals in life.

    How accurate was my assessment?

    When we received this description in class, most of us rated it a 4 out of 5. However, it turns out that we were all given the same explanation regardless of our horoscope, and if you haven’t guessed it yet, I have done the same with you.

    These 12 items are all known as Barnum statements, which Psychologist Bertram Forer first used in his 1948 study to observe this phenomenon. He found that people tend to believe that general and mostly positive personality descriptions apply specifically to them without realising that they could also apply to many others.

    These findings have been duplicated several times since, with most results supporting the initial findings that these statements are about 85% accurate at describing an individual’s personality. Now commonly known as the Forer effect, it is one of the main reasons astrology, fortune-telling, some personality tests and other forms of supposed mind-reading are so popular and perceived as valid.

    Well, Then Explain To Me How..?

    Whenever I tell people that I doubt these things, most believers will come back to me with a testimony, either from their experiences or that of a family member or friend. They’ll tell me about a time when someone they saw could accurately know or predict something that they believe could not have been known in any other way.

    Just because I don’t believe in mind-reading or fortune-telling or communicating with spirits does not mean that I can know with 100% certainty that they do not exist. If anyone could prove their gifts scientifically, I would be genuinely amazed. I’d even be happy to utilise and recommend their services.

    Until I see much scientific proof, however, I recommend this. If a clairvoyant, fortune teller, medium, aura reader, or anyone else helps you feel better or gain more clarity on the path you would like to take going forward, then that is great. However, if they cause you to worry more about a horrible fate or not take control or action in your life, then that is not good. Especially if they are charging you a lot of money. If a psychologist is doing the same thing to you, this would be equally as bad.

    Tricks of the Trade

    It doesn’t matter what field it is. Some people are generally warm, intuitive and empathetic, and genuinely want to help the people that they see. Other people may have less altruistic intentions and motivations for doing what they do.

    I want people to be aware of the various tricks that certain people may use to convince others that they have the power to read people’s minds, communicate with spirits, or predict the future.

    In ‘The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading’, Ian Rowland lists 38 persuasion techniques (including Barnum statements). Known as elements, they are used to extract information from clients, convince them that they know something about their character, about the facts and events of their life, and about the future. Some of my favourites are:

    Elements to extract information:

    1. ‘Jargon Blitz’ with a ‘Veiled Question’: Explain the traditional meaning of a tarot card, “the five of swords indicates a struggle in the affairs of the heart”. Then make a statement about the client’s life, “I sense your personal goals are taking priority over romance at this time”. Follow this with, “is this making sense to you?” If it is, you’ve got a hit. If not, they give you more information about their lives without realising that you have asked them a question.
    2. ‘Vanishing Negative: State a negative question with ambiguous tone and phrasing, such as, “you don’t work with kids, do you?”. It can be a hit whether they agree or disagree, as the negative part of the question vanishes if they say they do work with kids — “yes, I thought so. A strong affinity with children is indicated….”

    Elements about character:

    1. ‘Rainbow Ruse’: Credit the client with both a personality trait and its opposite: “sometimes you are very outgoing and confident, even the life of the party when the mood strikes you, and yet there are other times when you can retreat into your shell, preferring to keep quiet or distance yourself from others.” It sounds perceptive but covers the whole scope of the personality trait.
    2. ‘Jacques Statement’: Depending on their stage of life, talk about the usual crises that tend to occur around their age. Rowland shares his one for someone in their mid-thirties to early forties: “if you are honest about it, you often get to wondering about what happened to all those dreams you had when you were younger, and all those wonderful ambitions you once held dear. I suspect that deep down, there is a part of you that sometimes wants to scrap everything, get out of the rut, and start again, but this time do things YOUR way.”

    Elements about facts and events:

    1. ‘Fuzzy Fact’: Ask them a factual statement that is quite likely to be accepted initially and leaves space to become something more specific with additional prompting. For example, you can relate it to geography (“I see a connection with Europe, possibly Britain, or it could be the warmer Mediterranean part”). Or medical (“the gentleman with me now is telling me about a problem around the chest area”). It could also be an event (“There’s an indication here of a career in progress or transition. This could be your career, or it could be someone else’s career that affects you”).
    2. ‘Good chance guesses’: Ask a question that has a higher chance of being accurate than the other person would think, such as “I see a house with the number 2” or “I see a blue car”. If they lived in a house with a #2 or owned a blue car once, it’s a hit. If not, it could be someone close to them or someone they knew, or even a neighbour, which makes it unlikely to be wrong.
    3. Trivia stat: Most people have a box of old photos around their house that haven’t been sorted, or medical supplies that are years out of date, or a key that is now redundant, or books associated with an old hobby or interest. Most people will have had a scar on their left knee, been involved in some childhood accident that included water, have an item of clothing in their wardrobe that they can no longer fit into, and tried to learn a musical instrument as a child that they later gave up. Of course, people are not likely to realise how common these traits’ are, so they are also good chance guesses.

    Elements about the future:

    1. ‘Pollyanna Pearls’: State that whatever has been difficult lately is likely to improve: “It’s been a bit of a bumpy ride romantically these last few years for you, but the next year or so will be a lot easier!”
    2. ‘Self-fulfilling Predictions’: When making predictions about mood or personality, these have the bonus of potentially becoming self-fulfilling: “You will begin to adopt a more confident and optimistic disposition. You will let go of old regrets and start being more compassionate to yourself and others. You will soon have a greater sense of connection and belonging with others!”
    3. ‘Unverifiable Predictions: These can never be verified either way, so no chance of them being wrong. Here is Rowland’s example again: “Someone you know will harbour a secret grudge against you. They will plan to put obstacles in your way, but you will overcome their plans without even realising it.”

    I’ve shared my ten favourite elements with you, but there are still another 28 in ‘The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading’. Check it out if you are interested in learning more about the persuasion techniques typically employed in the psychic industry.

    Conclusion

    Some people may be able to convince you that they can read your mind. But from my experience in life so far, I have never come across any substantial scientific evidence that suggests that this is the case.

    The truth is that to understand and help people, I have to rely on how they present in session with me and what they say to me and how they say it. Communication with their partner, family members, friends or other treating doctors can also help at times (if the client consents to this).

    If you see a psychologist, please do not assume that they can read your mind. If you’d like to speak about something, make sure that you say it. It is especially true if the session isn’t going how you want it to, if you are uncomfortable, or if the treatment isn’t as helpful as you’d like it to be.

    I do not doubt that a client could successfully withhold or deceive me if they wanted to. Still, all this would do is create a barrier in the therapeutic relationship that would then prevent me from being able to help them in the best way possible.

    Many people assume that others should know what they need and how to give it to them. But if both psychologists and psychics can’t even read your mind, then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to either. So the reality is that it is okay to ask for what you need and to teach others to support you in the ways that you find most helpful.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • How to Be Useful to Others, Get Rich, Like People, and Thrive in an Unknowable Future

    How to Be Useful to Others, Get Rich, Like People, and Thrive in an Unknowable Future

    Derek Sivers seems like a pretty cool guy. On his website, he calls himself a musician, producer, circus performer, entrepreneur, TED speaker, and book publisher. He started a company called CDBaby and made millions from this. He then gave the company to charity, resulting in millions of dollars subsequently being used to help up-and-coming musical artists who need some monetary support to try and realise their dreams.

    Sivers also reads a lot of non-fiction books that are focused on psychology, self-help and self-improvement. He has little reviews of these books on his website and gives them a score out of 10, which is great if you are in need of a recommendation of what to read.

    In 2016, Sivers tried to summarise all of the key points that he obtained from reading so many non-fiction books. These key points were put into “do this” directives for him as a personal guide to various aspects of life. The directives were first brought to the public’s attention in his episode of the hugely popular ‘Tim Ferriss Show’ podcast. Because of the demand for the remainder of these lists, they were shared on Derek’s website sivers.org. He also plans on doing more with these directives in the future, including potentially writing his own book.

    Below are his directives, as well as my opinion of them. Directives that I completely agree with will be in green. Directives that I disagree with or that go against scientific research will be in red.

    group hand fist bump

    How to be useful to others:

    Get famous

    • Do everything in public and for the public.
    • The more people you reach, the more useful you are.
    • The opposite is hiding, which is of no use to everyone.

    Get rich

    • Money is neutral proof you’re adding value to people’s lives.
    • So, by getting rich, you’re being useful as a side effect.
    • Once rich, spend the money in ways that are even more useful to others.
    • Then, getting rich is double useful.

    Share strong opinions

    • Strong opinions are very useful to others.
    • Those who were undecided or ambivalent can just adopt your stance.
    • But those who disagree can solidify their stance by arguing against yours.

    Be expensive

    • People given a placebo pill were twice as likely to have their pain disappear when told the pill was expensive.
    • People who paid more for tickets were more likely to attend the performance.
    • People who spend more for a product or service value it more, and get more use out of it.

    people taking group photo

    WHAT I THINK: While there are a lot of famous and rich people who are useful to other people, there are many others who are not. What is true is that if you are famous and rich, you have the potential to have more influence on others and do more positive things, such as Bill and Melinda Gates. You also have the potential to negatively influence more people too, such as Donald Trump. What you do with that power and exposure is up to you.

    You can also make a difference to others without being rich or famous. Don’t underestimate the difference you can make as a teacher or coach or parent or volunteer or community member or any other role where you interact with others on a regular basis. If you charge more, people will value your services more, you will earn more money and then have a greater chance to be useful to others.

    Do try to be informed before sharing your opinions publicly. Look at all the damage Jenny McCarthy did by sharing her opinions on vaccines and autism.

    achievement-bar-business-chart-40140.jpeg

    How to get rich:

    Live where luck strikes

    • Live where everything is happening.
    • Live where the money is flowing.
    • Live where careers are being made.
    • Live where your role models live.
    • Once there, be as in the game as anyone can be.
    • Be right in the middle of everything.

    Say yes to everything

    • Meet everyone.
    • Pursue every opportunity.
    • Nothing is too small. Do it all.
    • Like lottery tickets, you never know which one will win. So the more, the better.
    • Follow-up and keep in touch with everyone.

    Learn the multiplying skills

    • Speaking, writing, psychology, design, conversation, 2nd language, persuasion, programming, meditation/focus.
    • Not pursued on their own, they’re skills that multiply the success of your main pursuit (e.g., A pilot who’s also a great writer and public speaker; A chef with a mastery of psychology, persuasion and design).
    • These skills multiply the results of your efforts, and give you an edge over others in your field.

    Pursue market value, not personal value

    • Do what pays well.
    • Do not be the starving artist, working on things that have great personal value to you, but little market value.
    • Follow the money. It tells you where you’re most valuable.
    • Don’t try to make a career out of everything you love. For example, sex.

    Shamelessly imitate success

    • Imitate the best strategies of your competitors.
    • The market doesn’t care about your personal need to be unique.
    • It’s selfless and humble to use the best ideas regardless of source, to create the best service or product for your clients.
    • Get great at executing other people’s ideas as well as your own.

    Be the owner, not just the inventor

    • It’s tempting to try to be the ideas person, having someone else do the dirty work of making those ideas happen.
    • Ideas don’t make you rich. Great execution of ideas does.
    • A rule of capitalism: whoever takes the most financial risk gets the rewards.
    • The biggest rewards will always go to those that fund it and own it.
    • To get rich, be the owner. Own as close to 100% as possible.

    Benefit from human nature

    • Instead of complaining about the downside of human nature, find ways to benefit from it.
    • Instead of complaining about the rules, just learn the game, then play it.

    bitcoins and u s dollar bills

    WHAT I THINK: To get rich, it is important to know how humans think and act, and to find ways to benefit from this instead of wishing for things to be different. It is useful to see what has worked for others, to learn how to do things in this way first, and then to adapt the best things so that what you are doing is authentically yours. It is important to try to own the product or service you are trying to sell. If you don’t do this, your earning potential will always be capped and will generally always be less than your bosses.

    While it is true that people need to be willing to spend money in order to make money, it’s not just about taking financial risks. There are many broke people out there who have spent too much on bad ideas. Figure out how to test your ideas or products first to see how the market responds before investing too much in it, and don’t be afraid to make changes or start over again if a better opportunity presents itself. Ideally we aren’t just doing something for the money. If we love it, are good at it and it makes a lot, you will be much happier than doing something just because you know that it pays well.

    While it is true that we don’t know which opportunities will necessarily work out, we also can’t make much progress if we are saying yes to everyone and everything. Meet and connect with the right people who are not just out for themselves until you find a great idea. Then pursue this project for a set period until you know if it is likely to make you rich or not. If not, jump ship as soon as you realise it and keep brainstorming and connecting and saying yes until you find your next great idea. Once you have this, learning how to prioritise and say no may be even more important than always saying yes. Same with being in the middle of everything. It’s good until you know which path you want to go down. Once you know, distance from others can be just as good until an idea has been executed.

    The last bit of advice that isn’t here is don’t gamble or invest in get rich quick schemes. Use debit cards instead of credit cards. Don’t buy the most expensive insurance options. Do invest in index funds and other trustworthy stocks regularly and as early as you can and don’t change them around too much. Compounding interest will help you to gain a lot of money over time. But having heaps of money beyond what you need to meet your basic needs isn’t likely to make you a lot happier in the long run.

    flight technology tools astronaut

    How to thrive in an unknowable future:

    Prepare for the worst

    • Since you have no idea what the future may bring, be open to the best and the worst.
    • But the best case scenario doesn’t need your preparation or your attention.
    • So mentally and financially prepare for the worst case, instead.
    • Like insurance, don’t obsess on it. Just prepare, then carry on appreciating the good times.

    Expect disaster

    • Every biography of a successful person has that line, “And then, things took a turn for the worse.”
    • Fully expect that disaster to come to you at any time.
    • Completely assume it’s going to happen, and make your plans accordingly.
    • Not just money, but health, family, freedom. Expect it all to disappear.
    • Besides, you appreciate things more when you know this may be your last time seeing them.

    Own as little as possible

    • Depend on even less.
    • The less you own, the less you’re affected by disaster.

    Choose opportunity, not loyalty

    • Have no loyalty to location, corporation, or your past public statements.
    • Be an absolute opportunist, doing whatever is best for the future in the current situation, unbound by the past.
    • Have loyalty for only your most important human relationships.

    Choose the plan with the most options

    • The best plan is the one that lets you change your plans.
    • Example: renting a house is buying the option to move at any time without losing money in a changing market.

    Avoid planning

    • For maximum options, don’t plan at all.
    • Since you have no idea how the situation or your mood may change in the future, wait until the last moment to make each decision.

    aerial view of city with lights during night

    WHAT I THINK: It’s good to be creative, flexible, adaptable and open to change. These characteristics will become even more important in the future, because change is likely to continue to happen at an even faster and faster pace. People back in the 14th century kind of knew what to expect by the 15th century, but most people living now have no idea what life is likely to look like in the 22nd century. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t plan, and it definitely doesn’t mean that we should only plan for the worst. Life has continued to get better and better in so many ways, and it is likely to continue to get better in many ways too. It doesn’t mean it can’t get worse, but we shouldn’t all become doomsday preppers or not buy anything in case disaster strikes. Try to only buy the things you need that will help add value to your life.

    Especially if you have kids, stability is good, so don’t be afraid to set up roots. Buy a house, start a business where you live, and develop friendships with other people in your neighbourhood. Some people may leave, businesses may collapse, marriages may crumble, but research still indicates that people have more satisfied relationships if they get married than if they live together but don’t get married. Married men are also both happier and healthier than single men. Divorce negatively impacts kids, especially if there is a lot of conflict, and learning how to overcome difficulties is better than always avoiding things or running away as soon as things get tough or another seemingly desirable option presents itself. We always think the grass is greener on the other side, but when we get there it’s often not as shiny or as different as we first thought (or better than we’ve previously had).

    Essentially, having plans and making commitments is better than having none, as long as you are also open to making tweaks and even big changes if things really aren’t working out. Research indicates that having too many options makes it too hard to choose and not making a decision can be really stressful and both physically and emotionally draining. Research also indicates that we tend to become happier with our choices over time once we have made them, as long as we commit to our choices and don’t keep trying to doubt ourselves or leave all the other doors open too.

    four women standing on mountain

    How to like people:

    Assume it’s their last day

    • Everyone talks about living like it’s your last day on earth.
    • Instead, to appreciate someone, live like it’s their last day on earth.
    • Treat them accordingly. Try to fulfill their dreams for the day.
    • Really listen to them. Learn from them.

    Be who’d you’d be when alone

    • You could live in a crowd, pleasing only others.
    • You could live in solitude, pleasing only yourself.
    • But ideally, when in a crowd, be the same person you’d be when alone.

    Assume men and women are the same

    • Men think women are so different from them.
    • Women think men are so different from them.
    • But the differences among men and differences among women are far greater than the differences between men and women.
    • So, counteract your tendency to exaggerate the differences.

    Always make new friends

    • As you grow old and change, old friends and family will be unintentionally invested in maintaining you as you were before.
    • Let go of people that don’t welcome and encourage your change.

    Avoid harming the relationship

    • For long-term relationship success, it’s more effective than seeking the positive.
    • A friendship that may take years to develop can be ruined by a single action.

    Act calm and kind

    • Regardless of how you feel

    Don’t try to change them

    • unless they asked you to.
    • Don’t teach a lesson.
    • Stop trying to change people who don’t think they have a problem.

    Find wisdom in your opponents

    • Really engage with those who think opposite of you.
    • You already know the ideas common on your own side.

    Purge the vampires

    • Get rid of people that drain you, that don’t make you feel good about yourself.
    • They make you hate all people.

    men s white button up dress shirt

    WHAT I THINK: It is great to really try to appreciate others, and understanding that some people may die soon is a helpful way to ensure that we don’t take others for granted. The Tail End by Tim Urban is an awesome blog post that nicely highlights how little time we actually have left with the important people in our lives. We should try to make the most of our time with them while we still have it so we don’t regret it later.

    We can learn a lot from others if we ask them about their life and experiences and beliefs and really listen, even if they have different ways of looking at things to us. But we shouldn’t try to give advice or teach lessons to others unless someone has asked or agreed to it first (or they’re reading your blog post!).

    While it is good to minimise how much time we spend with people that drain us or make us feel bad or don’t accept us for who we are, it is also important to try and maintain our old friendships too. Having both old friends and family to keep us grounded and new friends to help us learn and grow is having the best of both worlds.

    Men and women are different in some ways, and it is important to understand how and why. Of course we should still see each other as individuals and not just a gender, but this is the same with people who come from a different culture, ethnicity, nationality, religion and any other group that is different to yours. If we can understand group norms, it can help us to understand others a little bit better, but we should also be willing to change our perceptions of others based on what they say and do, rather than hold onto rigid, unhelpful or even discriminatory stereotypes.

    While it’s not possible to always be 100% ourselves around others, the more authentic we can be the more we will feel energised around others and connected with them. Similarly, we shouldn’t always act calm if we really are upset or angry or worried and need to express our feelings or what we need. What we can do is express this in a way that is still kind and considerate so that you don’t unnecessarily burn any bridges.

    Thanks for reading! For more advice on a good life, feel free to check out some of my other articles, especially: Can We Develop Our Own Guide to Better Living?; 10 Bits of Advice I’d Give My 10-Year-Old Self; Ten Traits of Highly Successful People; 25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • The Four Ultimate Concerns in Life

    The Four Ultimate Concerns in Life

    I’ve been afraid to say this for a while because of how it will be perceived, but my favourite book of all time is actually a textbook. So before you think that makes me someone you would never want to speak to, I’ll ask if you have ever read anything by Irvin Yalom, American Psychiatrist and Author?

    His book ‘Existential Psychotherapy’ is a true masterpiece he worked on for 10 years and is written as eloquently as any of his other titles, including ‘When Nietzsche Wept’, the best fiction novel award winner in 1992.

    What is Existential Psychotherapy?

    Existentialism is the philosophical exploration of existential issues or questions about our existence that we don’t have an easy answer for. We all suffer from anxiety, despair, grief and loneliness at times in our lives. Existential Psychotherapy tries to understand what life and humanity are about.

    In the book, Yalom explores what he considers to be our four most significant existential issues in life:

    1. Death
    2. Freedom
    3. Isolation
    4. Meaninglessness

    These existential issues or ultimate concerns are “givens of existence” or “an inescapable part” of being an alive human in our world. He shows how these concerns develop over time, how we can run into problems with each of these issues, and what they might look like in patients coming to therapy. He also talks about how we can try to live with these concerns to negatively impact our lives less, even if we don’t have clear-cut solutions to them.

    Let’s go through each of these ultimate concerns…

    1. Death

    Homo sapiens, or humans, as far as I know, are the only species in the animal kingdom that are aware that one day they are going to die.

    The first time I heard this, it fascinated me and made me wonder if life would be more comfortable not being aware that one day we cease to exist.

    Imagine it. Life is going well. Then suddenly, it is no more. No worry about what the future holds. We are born. We experience life. Then we are no longer there. No fear. Just nothingness.

    Being aware that we will die shapes and influences our lives much more than we would like to admit. This is because so many of our anxieties and phobias at their core are fear of some loss or death.

    Irvin Yalom says that while the actuality of death is the end of us, the idea of death can actually energise us.

    If we don’t know when we will die, being in touch with the fact that one day everything will vanish is enough to overwhelm some people and make them panic.

    For others, it is enough to make them follow the maxim of carpe diem and helps them to seize the day by appreciating everything they have so that they can make the most of the precious time they have left on this planet. Time is really just a bright spark of lightness between two identical and infinite periods of darkness — one before we are born and one after.

    Death is the ultimate equaliser, for no matter how much we have achieved or done with our time on this planet, the truth is that we will all one day die.

    It is also true that we will not know exactly when death will happen. It might be with a car accident tomorrow, from cancer in ten years, motor neurone disease in twenty years, a heart attack in thirty years, a stroke in forty years, or during our sleep in fifty years.

    Because our knowledge of our inevitable death is so inescapable and hard to confront and deal with directly, we instead focus on smaller and more manageable worries or concerns in our lives that we can do something about if we want to. If we successfully address all these minor concerns, however, we then come in contact with our fear of death again, and the cycle repeats itself.

    Most people tend to have one of two basic defence mechanisms against their fear of death:

    A. They can think that they are “special” and that death will befall others but not them, and try to be an individual and experience anxiety about life.

    Or

    B. They can think they are an “ultimate rescuer” and try to fuse with others and experience anxiety about death (their own mortality and that of their loved ones).

    A breakdown of either of these defences can give rise to psychological disorders:

    • narcissism or schizoid characteristics for the “special” defence, and
    • passive, dependent or masochistic characteristics for the “ultimate rescuer” defence.

    In general, trying to be an individual is a more empowering and effective defence than fusing with others. Still, the breakdown of either can lead to pathological anxiety and/or depression.

    The way to feel better about death anxiety is through an exercise called “disidentification”:

    1. To begin with, ask yourself the question “Who am I?” and write down every answer that you can think of.
    2. Then, take one answer at a time, and meditate on giving up this part of yourself, asking and reflecting on what it would be like to give up this part of yourself and your identity.
    3. Repeat this with all the other answers until you have gone through all of them.
    4. You have now disidentified yourself from all parts of your identity. See how you feel, and if there isn’t still a part of you, that feels separate from all the labels you give yourself. This provides comfort and reduces anxiety about death and life for a lot of people.

    What I try to manage death anxiety is to only focus on whatever is most important to me that I can do something about in any given moment. I try to appreciate and be grateful for the time that I have had with each important person in my life. I try to be as fully present in the moment and with others as I can be. I try to use every moment and meeting as an opportunity to impact someone’s life positively. That way, I’ll hopefully not have too many regrets and be glad for the time I have had on this planet, no matter how long it ends up being.

    2. Freedom

    The second ultimate concern is about freedom, responsibility and will.

    Every country in the world talks about fighting for the freedom of its citizens and about taking away some people’s freedom to ensure the safety and security of all. Therefore, the existential dilemma is how much freedom do we give up to others to feel safe and secure, or how much safety and security do we give up to feel genuinely free? Are these concepts in direct opposition, or is it sometimes possible to have enough of both?

    Responsibility means taking full ownership of:

    “one’s own self, destiny, life predicament, feelings, and if such be the case, one’s own suffering” — Irvin Yalom

    In the past, one’s life was set out for them by their parents or society, and many people struggled to fight for the right to live an authentic and genuine life.

    These days, most people struggle instead with the amount of choice that they have in their lives. They come to therapy because they don’t know what they want to do or how to choose, given all of the available options. They also know that if no one else is telling them what to do, it is ultimately their responsibility if things do not work out the way they want them to. People wish to choose for themselves but fear not having someone to blame when things don’t work out.

    There are various defences that we engage in to avoid responsibility and shield ourselves from freedom, including:

    • compulsivity
    • displacement of responsibility to another
    • denial of responsibility (“innocent victim” or “losing control”)
    • avoidance of autonomous behaviour, and
    • decisional pathology

    We can do something over and over again to relieve anxiety or stop thinking about things. This can present as OCD, hoarding, or any addiction ranging from technology to drugs and alcohol and even dependency on others.

    We can try to coerce others to make decisions for us or seek out and find controlling partners, bosses or friends. But, we can also play it safe and try to do what we think everyone else does; focus on keeping up with the Joneses, engaging in passive activities that don’t require much effort, and feeling stuck in an unfulfilling relationship or career.

    The problem with giving up the responsibility for how our lives turn out is that it creates an external rather than an internal locus of control. Depression and other forms of psychological disorders are more highly correlated with an external locus of control. It can also lead to learned helplessness, where people no longer feel like they can do anything to change their life in a positive direction.

    The way to manage the responsibility and freedom paradox is to develop an internal locus of control. This is generally more beneficial for most people’s well-being unless we blame ourselves or change things out of our control. This includes what has happened in the past, what other people do or say, and acts of nature.

    The serenity prayer nicely spells out how we should approach responsibility:

    “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.” — Reinhold Niebuhr

    Paradoxical intention is a good antidote too. This means that we try to do the opposite of what we typically do for a period of time and keep an open mind and observe how things go. We can then see if the outcome is better than what we usually do or if it has taught us something about what will be best for us going forward.

    Anything that creates a double bind is potentially helpful for encouraging people to take more responsibility in their lives. One way is to remind someone who struggles to make their own decisions that by not deciding, they are still making a choice not to choose. This means that no matter what they do, it is impossible not to make a decision that impacts the direction of their lives. Even if we choose to follow what someone else wants us to do, we still choose to do this. Therefore, why not take responsibility for our own lives and forge our own paths?

    3. Isolation

    There are three types of isolation:

    “A. Interpersonal isolation: isolation from other individuals, experienced as loneliness

    B. Intrapersonal isolation: parts of oneself are partitioned off from the self, and

    C. Existential isolation: “an unbridgeable gap between oneself and any other being.”

    A common way that people try to escape from existential isolation is to fuse with another fully. This is also a strategy for dealing with death anxiety, with people trying to be the “ultimate rescuer” of someone else. It can lead to an individual feeling temporarily less alone. Unfortunately, however, the less isolated we are from others, sometimes the more isolated we are from ourselves.

    Other people try to overcompensate for their feelings of isolation by never relying on anyone and trying to be fully independent. Both extremes can have negative consequences.

    The main thing we can do to manage our feelings of isolation is to realise and accept that we are social creatures and have always relied on others to survive. This drive creates a desire to feel closer to, more understood, and more connected to people than we can ever achieve and sustain.

    Growing up, many people feel loved and comforted in an unbalanced relationship towards their needs being met over their parents. They then try to reenact this within their adult relationships and usually end up feeling resentful, angry and disappointed as a result.

    Yalom believes that a good relationship involves “needs-free love”, which is about loving someone else for their sake. This is opposed to “deficiency love”, a selfish love where we only think about how useful the other person may be to us. Creating a relationship where you want the best for the other person is a healthier way to manage interpersonal isolation than demanding for them to meet every need for you.

    Some of the best solutions to intrapersonal isolation are to have time to get to know ourselves through practices such as journaling, therapy and meditation. Introverts may need to have more of this time than extroverts, so it’s important to tune into how agitated or lonely you feel to know if you have found the right balance or not.

    Unfortunately, existential isolation cannot be fully breached, and therefore needs to be accepted, as it is out of our control. To feel the pain that comes with this isolation and our desire not to have it is challenging, but it can help reduce the intensity of the feeling. Being grateful for the meaningful connections we have in our lives and trying to strengthen them without losing our sense of self is another way to lessen the intensity of the feeling.

    4. Meaninglessness

    According to Yalom and many non-religious philosophers, humans are meaning-seeking creatures in a world without a universal sense of meaning. As a result of this, most of the world turn to a religious or spiritual belief system of one type or another that clearly lays out the meaning of the world and our purpose in it. People who truly believe these systems often provide a lot of clarity, reassurance, and guidance. The tricky part is that these belief systems can vary widely, and it is hard to know which one is more correct than another or if some of them are even harmful.

    What we do know is that most belief systems tend to agree that

    “it is good to immerse oneself in the stream of life”.

    People can try to find meaning through:

    A. Hedonism: Seeking out pleasure and positive experiences and trying to avoid pain,

    B. Altruism: Dedication towards a cause that helps other people, and

    C. Creativity: Transcending oneself through art.

    Many philosophers believe that both the search for pleasure and the search for meaning are paradoxical. By this, they mean that happiness and meaning or purpose in life are tough to achieve when they are aimed at directly, but possible if they are aimed at indirectly.

    So if you or someone that you know is complaining about a lack of meaning in life, try to see if there are other issues. If possible, address these other issues first, and see if your worry about meaninglessness has lessened or gone away.

    The best indirect way to increase a sense of purpose and meaning in life is to build kindness, curiosity and concern for others. This is often best done by helping out with a charity, joining a club, fighting for a cause, or attending a group activity or group therapy.

    Yalom strongly believes that a desire to engage in life and satisfying relationships, work, spiritual and creative pursuits always exists within a person. Therefore, the key to managing meaninglessness is to remove the obstacles that prevent the individual from wholeheartedly engaging in the regular activities of life.

    We may never be able to find the absolute meaning of life. However, what we can do is work at creating a life that is personally meaningful to us.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • The 10 Best Laws of Power

    The 10 Best Laws of Power

    A fascinating book that I read towards the end of 2017 was ‘The 48 Laws of Power’ by Robert Greene.

    Since the book was first released in 1998, it has sold over 2 million copies worldwide and has influenced many successful people, from Will Smith to Kanye West, Jay-Z and 50 Cent, who later co-wrote a New York Times’ bestseller with Greene.

    It is also the most highly requested book in U.S. prisons due to the synthesis of Machiavelli, Sun Tzu and other famous writers’ key prescriptions for effectively managing power struggles in difficult environments.

    Some of the 48 laws do seem contradictory, and others seem a little repetitive. Still, there are some truly great bits of advice for effectively managing situations where power may play a role. This might be a corporate environment, a difficult but smaller workplace, a large social group, to really anywhere where there is a power imbalance between people or a formal or informal hierarchy.

    Here are my 10 favourite laws, including a description of each law from the following website. The parts that I especially like are bolded. Enjoy!

    Law 4: Always Say Less than Necessary

    When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control… Powerful people impress by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.

    Like the Danish proverb that says, “deep rivers move with silent majesty, shallow brooks are noisy”, law 4 reminds me only to say things that I believe will be of value. It also helps me stay within my circle of competence and not give advice on things that I do not know much about.

    Law 9: Win through your Actions, Never through Argument

    Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.

    A parent who smokes but tells their children not to is unlikely to be successful at persuading their children because “actions speak louder than words”. The better option is not to smoke or quit if you want to set a good example. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “you must be the change you wish to see in the world”.

    Law 13: When Asking for Help, Appeal to People’s Self-Interest, Never to their Mercy or Gratitude

    If you need to turn to an ally for help, do not bother to remind him of your past assistance and good deeds. He will find a way to ignore you. Instead, uncover something in your request, or in your alliance with him, that will benefit him, and emphasise it… He will respond enthusiastically when he sees something to be gained for himself.

    As sad as this may appear, most people are self-motivated and want to do the right thing if it makes them look good. For example, a hybrid car such as a Toyota Prius sells well because it is known as a hybrid car. It screams out, “I care about the environment,” in a way that the Toyota Camry Hybrid does not because the hybrid version of the Camry looks almost identical to the regular Camry. The 2014 sales in the US of each car highlights this point: Prius = 194,000; Toyota Camry Hybrid = 39,500; Toyota Camry (non-hybrid) = 428,600. Figure out how what you want will benefit the other person or help them look good before you ask for a favour, and you are much more likely to get them on board.

    Law 18: Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself — Isolation is Dangerous

    The world is dangerous and enemies are everywhere — everyone has to protect themselves. A fortress seems the safest. But isolation exposes you to more dangers than it protects you from — it cuts you off from valuable information, it makes you conspicuous and an easy target. Better to circulate among people, find allies, mingle.

    Many people that I see try to protect themselves at the cost of a real sense of connection and belonging with others. This law helps by reminding me of the dangers and costs of not opening up to honest people you can trust.

    Law 23:Concentrate Your Forces

    Conserve your forces and energies by keeping them concentrated at their strongest point. You gain more by finding a rich mine and mining it deeper, than by flitting from one shallow mine to another — intensity defeats extensiveness every time.

    This reminds me of the saying, “jack of all trades; master of none”. If you want to make progress in anything, it is important to prioritise and put your energy into the activities and thought patterns that will give you the best results. Law 23 also helps me to build upon my strengths rather than worrying too much about my weaknesses.

    Law 25:Re-Create Yourself

    Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define it for you.

    I often encourage my clients to clarify their most important values and see how these differ from what their family, friends, culture, or society may want. The idea of working hard and not enjoying life until retirement is not a role that I want to accept, even though this is considered normal in many respects by society. It’s much better to create and live a sustainable life for myself, whatever that may look like. Then it won’t matter if and when I retire, especially if I keep loving what I do for work.

    Law 28: Enter Action with Boldness

    If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honours the timid.

    Law 28 reminds me not to doubt myself once I have settled on a course of action and fully commit myself to it for a set period of time instead of remaining uncertain or indecisive. Once a decision is made, it is much better to give it 100% until the next decision needs to be made. Uncertainty only leads to more stress and anxiety and less satisfaction in the long run.

    Law 29: Plan All the Way to the End

    The ending is everything. Plan all the way to it, taking into account all the possible consequences, obstacles, and twists of fortune that might reverse your hard work… By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you will know when to stop. Gently guide fortune and help determine the future by thinking far ahead.

    This reminds me of the benefits of thinking into the future and clarifying how I would want my life to look. For example, if I had a 50th birthday and someone close to me stood up and spoke about the person I had been for the past 18 years, what would I want to hear them say? Based on my response to this, it is then important to see if my 1-, 5- or 10-year plan is helping me to head in that direction. If not, more planning and some big changes may be required, as long as my plans are flexible enough to change as I continue to grow with time.

    Law 35: Master the Art of Timing

    Never be in a hurry — hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself, and over time. Always (be) patient, as if you know that everything will come to you eventually. Become a detective of the right moment; sniff out the spirit of the times, the trends that will carry you to power. Learn to stand back when the time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely when it has reached fruition.

    Patience is a massively underrated value, especially in today’s society. How often do you see people multitasking or telling you how busy they are? I know I sometimes do. But slowing things down and really making sure that my attention is 100% on what is most important in any given moment is a great recipe for long-term happiness and well-being. While it is important to “strike while the iron is hot”, I think it is also important not to be too reactive and make sure that the decisions you make are really consistent with your values and long-term plans. Knowing how to say no to the wrong things in life is also a crucial element of success.

    Law 45: Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once

    Everyone understands the need for change in the abstract, but on the day-to-day level people are creatures of habit. Too much innovation is traumatic, and will lead to revolt. If you are new to a position of power, or an outsider trying to build a power base, make a show of respecting the old way of doing things. If change is necessary, make it a gentle improvement on the past.

    Trying to change my eating habits has taught me this law better than anything else recently. As soon as I try to be too restrictive, I rebel against any prescriptions. Long-term sustainable changes are again much better than short-term dramatic changes. The 20-minute walk that you manage to do is better than the 10km run you do not, so start small and try to build up slowly. If you can do this, changes are much more likely to stick.

    If you want to see the remaining 38 laws, please click here or purchase the book. Some of the laws seem pretty ruthless, but pretending that they don’t exist in power dynamics is much more dangerous than learning how they work.

    I also recommend checking out my dealing with toxic people article for more information on successfully managing and surviving difficult interactions.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • How Have Intimate Relationships Changed Over the Years, and Where Does It Leave Us Now?

    How Have Intimate Relationships Changed Over the Years, and Where Does It Leave Us Now?

    I just finished reading the book ‘Modern Romance: An Investigation’ by Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg and was pleasantly surprised to see such a well-researched book written predominantly by a Stand-up Comedian (with a helping hand from a Sociologist).

    For those of you who don’t know Aziz, his stand-up shows typically consist of interesting observations about relationships, as does his new series ‘Master of None’.

    Considering that I liked his stand-up and show, I was intrigued to see his book about relationships in my local bookstore. Here’s what his research found:

    How Has Dating Changed?

    1. Distance

    Back in 1932, a Sociologist named James Bossard examined 5000 consecutive marriage licences in the city of Philidelphia, USA, and looked into how close the partners had lived to each other before they married. Here’s what he found:

    • Same address — 12.64%
    • Same block — 4.54%
    • 1 to 2 blocks — 6.08%
    • 2 to 4 blocks — 7.3%
    • 4 to 10 blocks — 10.16%
    • 10 to 20 blocks — 9.62%
    • 20+ blocks — 17.8%
    • Different cities — 17.8%

    More than half of Philidelphia in the 1930s married someone who lived in a ten-block radius to them. More than one-in-six didn’t even cross the road to find their marriage partner.

    Other Sociologists looked to see if this pattern remained in smaller towns and found that it did whenever suitable marriage partners were available. For example, John Ellsworth Jr., who examined marriage patterns in a Connecticut town of less than 4,000 called Simsbury, declared:

    “People will go as far as they have to to find a mate, but no farther.”

    While this quote may still be somewhat applicable in modern times, it does seem that we are much more likely to date people of different origins, cultures and addresses to us, rather than settling down with someone who lived on the same street.

    2. Places

    Where we meet our romantic partners is much different too. Sociologist Michael Rosenfeld’s survey ‘How Couples Meet and Stay Together’ asked over 3,000 American adults of all ages when and how they met their spouse or romantic partner. Because the age of the respondents differed, it made it possible to see the changes between 1940 and 2010. Here’s what he found:

    • In 1940, the most common way couples met was through family (approximately 25%). The second was meeting through friends (21%), followed by meeting in church (13%), and being neighbours (12%).
    • In 1950, meeting via friends had become the most popular method to meet someone (approximately 26%). Meeting through family was still popular (24%) and was a clear second. Meeting in a bar or a restaurant (14%) was becoming more popular, and meeting at work (12%) or being neighbours (12%) was now more popular than meeting at church (10%).
    • In 1970, meeting through friends was the preferred method to find a partner (approximately 31%). Matching through family (20%) was challenged by meeting at a bar or restaurant (18%). Meeting at work was fourth (15%), followed by neighbours, church and college.
    • In 1990, meeting through friends was just below 40%, finding your partner at work was now second (20%), followed by meeting at a bar or a restaurant (18%). Meeting through family and being neighbours had declined as ways to find a partner. Instead, more people were meeting in college, presumably because more people were also going to college and studying longer. Some early adopters were starting to date online too, but this was still the least favourite method of meeting potential partners.
    • Fast forward to 2010, and meeting through friends was still the most common way couples met, but it was under 30% for the first time since 1960. Meeting at a bar or restaurant fought with meeting online for the 2nd most popular method, with both around 20%. Meeting online was already the most popular option for same-sex partners in 2005 and was up to about 70% by 2010. Meeting at work, meeting through family, being neighbours and finding dates through the church was now much less popular as ways to meet someone, and even meeting at college was beginning to decline. All thanks to the rise of the internet!

    In a separate study looking at how Americans met their spouses between 2005 and 2012, Psychologist John Cacioppo found that more than one-in-three married couples met online (34.95%), which was more than work (14.09%), friends (12.4%) and a bar or club (5.68%) combined. So all of the recent advances in technology, especially the internet and smartphones, really has changed the dating scene dramatically, including how we meet, who we meet, how many potential partners we can meet, and even how we communicate with each other.

    3. Communication Methods

    The first text ever was by a British engineer called Neil Papworth in 1992. It’s crazy to think how much this form of communication has grown in only 24 years. In 2007, text messages began to outnumber phone calls made in the US each month, and in 2010 the world sent approximately 200,000 texts each minute. Since 2010, the number of people owning smartphones has dramatically increased in the USA. It rose from 17% in 2010 to 58% in 2014. 83% of 18- to 29-year-olds already owned a smartphone in 2014. With greater smartphone use comes an increasing use in apps such as Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, and Viber, which further increases instant messages sent.

    Calling vs Texting vs Face-to-Face?

    First Dates

    Seeing that text messages have been a more popular way of communicating since 2007, does this mean that it is now okay to text someone to ask them out on a first date?

    • In 2010, only 10% of adults under 30 used texts to ask someone out for the first time.
    • By 2013, a Match.com survey found that this number had increased to 32%, with face-to-face still leading the way with 37%, a phone call less popular at 23%, and e-mails virtually non-existent at 1%.
    • For adults over 30, this same Match.com survey found that a phone call (52%) was the most likely method of communication when asking someone out on a date, followed by face-to-face (28%), text messages (8%) and e-mail (7%).

    Older females tended to appreciate phone calls in the focus groups that Aziz and Eric ran about whether to phone or text. They saw them as a sign of confidence and helped separate the person from other potential suitors. It also helped them feel more safe and comfortable going out on a date with someone they may not know very well.

    Younger females seemed just as afraid to receive phone calls as younger males were in making them. They preferred not having to respond on the spot and having time to think of a witty or genuine reply or not even reply at all if they weren’t interested, and texting provided them with these options.

    Breaking Up

    What about breaking up — can this too be done via text without seeing the reaction of the heart that you are potentially breaking? It sure sounds more comfortable, but is it socially acceptable?

    • In a 2014 survey of 2,712 18- to 30-year-olds, 73% said they would be upset if their date broke up with them via text, social media or email.
    • In this same survey, out of those who had ended a relationship in the previous 12 months, 25% had used text, 20% had used social media, 18% had split face-to-face, 15% had broken up through a phone call, and 11% had used email.

    With texting, those who had used this method to break up said that they did so because it was “less awkward” and easier to be “more honest.” I still think it is wrong to end a long relationship over text, no matter how much easier it may be. Even though the majority of young adults still agree with me, their actions say the opposite. It’s only a matter of time before their attitudes begin to change in regards to this too.

    Texting Guidelines for Dating:

    1. Do not just say “hey”, “hi”, “what’s up?”, “what’s going on?”

    • Generic messages like this tend to be a real turn-off for some people, especially females who receive many texts like this from several different guys. It is much better to ask a specific question about them or something that refers to the last time you spoke.

    2. Do not just engage in endless banter that never leads to a real-world catch-up.

    • Endless banter gets boring eventually, and older women, in particular, have less patience for constant text exchanges.

    3. Do not just ask someone if they want to “hang out sometime?”

    • It’s confusing whether hanging out is a date or just friends, and it may never lead to an actual date. So instead, invite them out to a particular event, or ask them to meet you at a specific time and place.

    4. Do try to proofread your text messages for correct grammar and spelling.

    • Incorrect spelling is often a major turn off, as is shortening words or using text slang. Determine the audience first, but stick to “tonight” rather than “2nite” if unsure.

    5. Do use a bit of playfulness and humour, but with caution.

    • Make sure that you have a similar sense of humour before engaging in anything too risky or crude, and remember that it can be challenging to pick up on tone in text messages.

    6. Follow the other basic rules around texting:

    • Please wait a while to text back instead of doing it right away, especially early in the dating process. Waiting a bit implies that you have a busy life and builds suspense, increasing the emotional intensity and attraction in the person who has to wait.
    • If you have already sent a text, do not send another message to the same person until you hear back from them unless it is an absolute emergency.
    • Write a similar amount in your texts to what the other person does. If you increase it slightly, they should too if they like you due to our tendency to reciprocate. If they do not, this may mean that they are not aware of the cultural norms around texting, or they are just not that into you.
    • If you are not interested, others will tell you to be upfront and honest with them, but most people actually either pretend to be busy or stop texting back.

    4. Expectations

    When choosing a partner, it seems that our expectations of what the other person needs to provide us have continued to increase over the past 50 years:

    • Before the 1960s, most people were happy enough with settling for a “companionate” or good-enough marriage. People didn’t spend forever looking for passion and love (even though this may have developed over time). Many people saw passionate love as too volatile or irrational to use as the basis for whether or not they should marry someone.
    • When looking for a prospective husband back in 1939, men with a dependable character, emotional stability, maturity and a pleasing disposition were all more highly sought after by women than men they felt mutual attraction and love towards.
    • By the early 1960s, 76% of women were willing to marry a man they didn’t love.

    “Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship.” — Esther Perel.

    • When looking for a prospective wife in 1939, men also highly valued emotional stability, maturity, a dependable character and pleasing disposition, and interestingly also appreciated ambition and industriousness over mutual love and attraction.
    • By the early 1960s, however, only 35% of men admitted that they were willing to marry a woman that they didn’t love. Men already had more legal rights and financial freedom and weren’t looked down upon for moving out of the house and enjoying single life before getting married.
    • By the 1980s, things had changed, with 86% of men and 91% of women in the US saying they needed romantic love to marry someone.
    • In 2008, mutual love and attraction were rated #1 for men and women looking for a prospective partner.

    No longer do people settle for companionship or what is good enough. We also want passion and the perfect life partner who completes us, gives us belonging and identity, mystery and awe, and makes us happy. Some people even declare that they are looking for their soul mate and refuse to settle for anything less.

    This search for the perfect partner seems to take a lot of emotional investment, trial and error, potential heartbreak, and much stress and indecision. However, if we find our soul mate, the potential pay-off should theoretically be much higher than for an old-fashioned “companionate” marriage. However, with more possible options and higher expectations, how can we know if we have found the one to marry?

    5. Marriages

    At what age do we get married?

    From 1950 until about 1968, the average age of first marriages in the US was about 20 for females and 23 for males. In the mid-1970s, this age rapidly increased until it briefly stagnated at about 24 for women and 27 for men between 1999 and 2004. It then began to rise again to about 27 for females and 29 for males in 2014. In bigger cities, such as New York, it is over 30 for both males and females.

    After how long do we tend to get married?

    Before the 1960s, the average couple wed after just six months, according to Stephanie Coontz, author of ‘Marriage, A History’. However, the dating period and the engagement period tend to be much longer these days, with some couples even choosing to live together in a de-facto relationship without ever marrying.

    Do we even need to get married anymore?

    Before the 1960s, getting married, buying a house, and moving out were the first significant steps that signified the transition to adulthood. Single women rarely lived alone, and many families discouraged their daughters from moving into shared housing with other working girls. Their parents were heavily involved in their decisions, even who they dated, and typically always knew about their whereabouts.

    Women of previous generations would sometimes get married to get out of the house and get their first taste of adulthood and freedom. However, once married, they were not always more free to do what they wanted. Instead, they had to depend on their husbands for legal and financial purposes whilst being fully responsible for looking after the house and the children.

    Although things still aren’t fully equal with men and women, with women typically earning less and having to do more housework and child-rearing, they now have equal legal rights regarding property and divorce. Alongside the greater acceptance of various lifestyle choices, including moving out without getting married, marriage is now a choice rather than a necessity for many women.

    https://youtu.be/cYdsWtku9gg

    6. Choices

    Thanks to the advances in technology, we now have more potential options available to us at the click of a mouse or swipe of a button than we have ever had before.

    Thanks to the greater rights and freedom provided to most women in the Australian culture, we also have a new developmental period between adolescence and adulthood called emerging adulthood (ages 18–29). It is a phase where people can go to university, start a career, travel, move around a bit, and have some fun and relationship experiences before settling down and getting married.

    During emerging adulthood, we end up greatly expanding our pool of potential romantic partners. Once you include online dating and other apps for meeting people, the number of possible partners grows exponentially, especially in bigger cities like Melbourne.

    But does having more choices make it easier to find “the one”?

    Research on the paradox of choice would suggest not. As I’ve already mentioned in a previous post, Barry Schwartz, a Psychologist, describes an experiment at a supermarket where they offered 24 different samples of jelly (jam) to customers on day one and six jellies on day two. The day with only six options outsold the day with 24 possibilities by ten times the amount.

    Too many options lead to indecision and paralysis and higher discontent after a decision. So before you are searching for a partner, especially if it is online, make sure that you have a sense of what is truly important to you and what is not, and try to limit your search to these options. Then if you find someone who seems to be alright, give them a real chance before moving onto the next one. You’re likely to be more satisfied on a long-term basis if you do.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist