Damon Ashworth Psychology

Tag: character development

  • Why 18 is the New 15: The Negative Consequences of Always Wanting Our Children to Feel Special and Safe

    Why 18 is the New 15: The Negative Consequences of Always Wanting Our Children to Feel Special and Safe

    In 1970, children were “ready” to enter Grade One at Primary or Elementary School if they travelled independently around their neighbourhood (four to eight blocks from their house).

    Six-year-olds could go to the shops and buy things by themselves or walk or ride to school if close enough. Children also knew how to explain to a police officer where they lived if asked.

    These days, the police officer would probably arrest the parents for neglect if a six-year-old child was found four blocks from home by themselves.

    Times have changed, but is this always a good thing for our children?

    I remember having a lot of freedom growing up. My mother would let me and my siblings play down at the park by ourselves two blocks away from our house. My brother was 7 or 8, I was 5, and my sister was 2 or 3. We weren’t entirely alone. According to my mother, we had a pet Rottweiler watch over us too, and “she would never have let anyone hurt you kids!”.

    We rode or walked ourselves to and from school when my brother was in grade 5, I was in grade 3, and my sister was in grade 1. It wasn’t just a bike path either. We had to ride on roads, cross over a river and railway tracks, and not even at a designated crossing. My parents had to work, so we travelled by ourselves.

    After school, we’d come home, open the door, make a snack, and play some games or watch TV until our parents came back from work. We were “latch key kids”, and I don’t think we minded too much at all.

    Growing up, we played outside unsupervised by adults all the time. We were running around with the other kids on the street, playing a sport or making up games, having water bomb fights during the day or playing spotlight at night. We’d ride to the milkbar whenever we felt like ice cream or a snack and even did a paper round in the neighbourhood with my brother a few times well before we were old enough to work legally.

    There were a few scraped knees, and maybe some storm drains that we shouldn’t have gone down. But I knew how to bike ride all over town to my friend’s places by my 10th birthday. Exploring places with my friends and without any parents were some of the best memories of my childhood.

    Fast forward to 2024, and most children will have to wait until they leave their family home to get the same amount of unsupervised time outside that I had before I was a teenager. They spend less time hanging out with their friends in person, and any time they spend is likely to be supervised by their parents or done alongside them, even when they go to the local shopping mall.

    In her excellent book, ‘iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids are Growing up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy — and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood’, the author Jean Twenge says that as a result of the reduced freedom for our youth, the typical 18-year-old in 2022 is similar in maturity levels to what a 15-year-old was back in 1970.

    These days, children and adolescents are less capable of living, socialising, or working independently than the previous generations and are suffering more psychologically.

    Depression, anxiety, narcissism and deliberate self-harm have all been increasing, and dramatically so since 2012. Unfortunately, this also coincides with the widespread proliferation of smartphones into our society.

    Parents should give their children more freedom in the real world while also being more concerned about the safety of their children online. Adolescent girls appear to be particularly impacted by the introduction of the smartphone and the increased usage of social media that comes with this. As a result, suicide rates among teenage girls have risen to the point where they are now similar to suicide rates in boys of the same age.

    What would you prefer to build in a child?

    A. A conviction that they are amazing, just the way they are?

    or

    B. A belief that they can face and overcome most of the challenges they face in life if they learn from setbacks and feedback and apply themselves?

    You may answer both, but what would it be if you had to choose one?

    Self-esteem (A), defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as:

    “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself”

    or

    Self-efficacy (B), which Psychologist Albert Bandura defined as:

    “the belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the sources of action required to manage prospective situations.”

    After decades of research, we now know that focusing on building a child’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem (A) at the expense of improving their capacity and self-efficacy (B) in learning and doing things by themselves can have some adverse side effects.

    Research on Self-Esteem:

    LOW SELF-ESTEEM IS NOT GREAT

    • Low self-esteem correlates with increased violence, teenage pregnancy, suicide, low academic achievement and increased rates of school dropout (Misetich & Delis-Abrams, 2003)
    • Living alone, being unemployed, having low socioeconomic status or having a disability is linked to lower self-esteem (von Soest, Wagner, Hansen & Gerstorf, 2018)
    • 70% of girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up in some way (Dove Self-Esteem Fund, 2008)
    • Teenagers with low self-esteem have less resilience and a greater sense of hopelessness (Karatas, 2011)

    HEALTHY LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM IS BENEFICIAL

    • People with healthy self-esteem are more resilient and able to respond helpfully and adaptively to disappointment, failure and obstacles (Allegiance Health, 2015)
    • In China, self-esteem significantly predicted life satisfaction (Chen, Cheung, Bond & Leung, 2006)
    • School programs that build self-esteem in primary school children also reduce problem behaviours and strengthen connections between the students (Park & Park, 2014)

    HIGH SELF-ESTEEM ISN’T ALWAYS A POSITIVE

    • Abraham Maslow put self-esteem as a need in his hierarchy of needs pyramid. However, he later noted that individuals with high self-esteem are more apt to come late to appointments, be less respectful, more casual, more condescending, and much more willing to make themselves comfortable without bidding or invitation.
    • Carl Rogers, another Humanistic Psychologist, got so sick of new staff coming into his Western Behavioural Sciences Institute with no desire or ability to work that he once sent out a letter that said, “less self-esteem please; more self-discipline!”
    • People with fragile or shallow high self-esteem are no better off than individuals with low self-esteem. They engage in exaggerated tendencies to protect, defend and enhance their feelings of self-worth (Kernis, 2008)
    • Academic performance is weakly related to self-esteem, with some students doing worse academically after their self-esteem increased (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger & Vohs, 2005)

    Baumeister has looked extensively into the issues with some types of high self-esteem. He found that:

    • Students with high self-esteem tend to overestimate their abilities. They also like to boast to others about what they can do.
    • High self-esteem doesn’t make people more attractive to others; it just makes the individual think they are more attractive
    • Bullies at school and work tend to have higher reported levels of self-esteem
    • People with high self-esteem are more likely to take risks and engage in unprotected sex. They tend to be impulsive and not think through the consequences of a decision before acting
    • People with high self-esteem are more likely to be prejudiced against others. They tend to be smug and superior when interacting with others
    • People with high self-esteem are less likely to work through and overcome relationship conflicts. They can be abusive in relationships and assume their needs come first no matter what situation they are in
    • People with high self-esteem seem blind to their faults and are less likely to learn from experience, change or improve themselves

    Research on Self-Efficacy:

    SELF-EFFICACY HELPS PEOPLE AT WORK

    • A meta-analysis of over 100 studies found a moderately strong correlation (.38) between self-efficacy and job performance (Stakjovic & Luthans, 1998)
    • Another meta-analysis found that high self-efficacy is related to better emotional stability and greater job satisfaction (Judge & Bono, 2001)
    • Greater self-efficacy leads to less burnout for teachers (Skaalvik & Skaalvik, 2007)
    • Increased self-efficacy in nurses can improve their work performance, reduce turnover rates and protect them from exhaustion (Fida, Laschinger & Leiter, 2018)

    SELF-EFFICACY HELPS STUDENTS AT SCHOOL

    • High optimism and self-efficacy in students lead to better academic performance, greater coping with stress, better health, and more satisfaction with school (Chemers, Ju & Garcia, 2001)
    • Increased self-efficacy leads to more enthusiasm and commitment to learning in students who had previously been struggling to read (Margolis & McCabe, 2006)

    SELF-EFFICACY CAN IMPROVE HEALTH OUTCOMES

    • Patients with cancer with high self-efficacy adjust to their diagnosis better and are more likely to adhere to their recommended treatment (Lev, 1997)
    • Patients with high self-efficacy who have joint replacement surgery exercise more frequently and improve their performance more after the surgery (Moon & Backer, 2000)
    • Improving self-efficacy can increase how much previously sedentary adults exercise, which then enhances their overall health (McAuley, 1992)
    • Parental self-efficacy can reduce the risk of postpartum depression in new mothers (Cutrona & Troutman, 1986)
    • Low self-efficacy is related to anxiety (including social anxiety and panic attacks) and depressive symptoms (Muris, 2002)

    What Can We Do?

    I’d rather have my children go to a school where teachers are more like Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. Here’s an excerpt from his excellent commencement address to his son’s year nine graduating class in 2017:

    “From time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly, so that you will come to know the value of justice. I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty. Sorry to say, but I hope you will be lonely from time to time so that you don’t take friends for granted. I wish you bad luck, again, from time to time so that you will be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand that your success is not completely deserved and that the failure of others is not completely deserved either. And when you lose, as you will from time to time, I hope every now and then, your opponent will gloat over your failure. It is a way for you to understand the importance of sportsmanship. I hope you’ll be ignored so you know the importance of listening to others, and I hope you will have just enough pain to learn compassion. Whether I wish these things or not, they’re going to happen. And whether you benefit from them or not will depend upon your ability to see the message in your misfortunes.”

    Chief Justice John Roberts

    I want our kids to learn life lessons that help them gain the skills and knowledge required to function as independent adults in the world.

    I want children to be physically and mentally healthy and suffer less from emotional and psychological disorders.

    I want them to develop high self-efficacy and a belief that they can do something by trial-and-error and effort rather than assuming that they are great no matter what they can do.

    How Do We Build Self-Efficacy?

    According to Bandura and Akhtar (2008), there are four main ways to build self-efficacy in our children’s lives:

    1. Mastery experiences: Ensure that your child has regular opportunities to take on and tackle new and challenging tasks that are just outside their current level of comfort and competence. By pushing themselves with these tasks, they will gain more self-efficacy than repeating something they already know how to do.
    2. Vicarious experiences: Ensure that your children have positive role models or mentors that they can observe doing the things you want them to know how to do. It could be you, another family member, a friend of yours or a coach. Because you are likely to spend more time with them than other people, it is essential to model the behaviours, mindset and skills you want them to learn. If you do this, they can learn from you, emulate what you do, and then get feedback on how they are going and keep improving these skills.
    3. Verbal persuasion: The type of words used in self-talk and with others can significantly affect how much self-efficacy one feels. Like Dr Carol Dweck says, in promoting a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset, we need to praise effort and what children do (their actions and intentions) rather than who they are as a person or what the outcome was. It builds up a greater desire to take on more challenging tasks in the future instead of the fear of being wrong, not succeeding, or not being “smart enough”.
    4. Emotional and physiological states: We need to focus on children’s overall mental and physical health and well-being. If they are sick, tired, sleepy, hungry, stressed, depressed or anxious, it will be more challenging for them to maintain a high level of self-efficacy, and belief in their ability to successfully tackle a challenge will decrease. By helping children look after the other areas of their health, they are more likely to have the energy and confidence to take on whatever is in front of them, overcome setbacks, and persist until they have achieved their goals.

    For more information and ideas on how to help kids to build resilience and self-efficacy, please visit the Let Grow website or learn more about the Free Range Kids’ Movement.

    Crime rates are now at their lowest point since 1963. Thanks to many societal changes, your children are physically safer growing up, yet they have way less freedom. Would you be willing to supervise your children a bit less and let them do more in the real world by themselves or with their friends if it helped them grow into independent, resilient and capable adults?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • 6 Thinking Traps That We All Fall Into

    6 Thinking Traps That We All Fall Into

    Snow in Las Vegas — I never thought that could happen! But it did, in December 2008, when I took the photo below. Luckily an American friend warned me how cold it could get in the winter. Otherwise, I would have expected it to be hot, just like the other two times I had previously been there. After all, it is a desert, and I had to drive through Death Valley, the hottest place on the planet, to get there each time. But, unfortunately, my past experiences had negatively impacted my ability to predict the weather in winter.

    vegas 18

    But why was this so?

    Have you ever wondered why past experiences can damage judgment?

    or

    Why should you never accept a “free” drink?

    Why do we prefer a wrong map to no map at all?

    Why should you forget the past when making a decision?

    Why is less sometimes more?

    and

    Why is a lame excuse better than none?

    ‘The Art of Thinking Clearly’ by Rolf Dobelli answers all of these questions and more. He lists 99 cognitive biases or thinking errors that research has shown trap us. Each chapter is only 3–4 pages in length, introduces a cognitive bias, gives an example of what it is, and advises avoiding these errors. It has sold over a million copies and is extremely popular in Europe. I would highly recommend it for anyone who wants to be as effective as possible at work and as happy as possible outside of it.

    Here are the answers to the above questions:

    1. Association Bias

    As well as me expecting Las Vegas always to be hot, our past experiences can also affect our judgment through the development of superstitions. For example, let’s imagine that I’ve played an excellent game of Basketball. My mind may reflect on the game afterwards and think about what led to me playing so well. Even though it is unlikely to be a particular cause, I could attribute it to the bowl of pasta that I ate for lunch, or that I had the orange and not the red Powerade during the game, or that I wore my unique socks that were just the right level of thickness and comfort. I then try to do these same things again the next game in precisely the same way, but I don’t play as well. Instead of breaking this association then and there, my mind is more likely to look for other reasons I didn’t play so well and try to avoid these things for the next game. Pretty soon, if I’m not careful, I have 20 things that I must do to play well, and I’m still not playing any better because I’m stressed about having all of the things go “just right”. In reality, the thing that may have allowed me to play well in the first place was that I was relaxed and engaged fully in what I was doing, without having to do anything except play the game.

    I see the same issue in individuals with insomnia, who “can’t sleep” unless they have their eye mask on and earplugs in, even though they aren’t sleeping well anyway, and they used to sleep well without these rituals in the past.

    The Russian Scientist Ivan Pavlov first discovered the association bias with classical conditioning. He was studying the digestive system of dogs, and he realised that the dogs were able to quickly associate two previously unrelated things (bell = food) if they occurred in close enough proximity to each other. While responding to a bell that signals dinner time is helpful because the dog is better able to eat and digest their food, it may be less valuable if they became hungry and started salivating each time they heard the bells of a local church. We can apply this to humans too. Not eating a poisonous berry that has previously led an individual to be sick would increase their likelihood of survival, but not being able to enjoy any berries and the antioxidant properties inherent in these may reduce their health over time.

    The reality is that many things in this world are out of our control and that sometimes things just come down to luck. However, our mind doesn’t like to think this and tries to develop an illusion of control by assuming that merely correlated things are causally related. Just because carbon emissions and obesity have increased since the 1950s doesn’t mean that increased carbon emissions lead to an increased risk of obesity. Many different factors are likely to explain our generally expanding waistlines much more efficiently.

    The solution is to realise what is in your control and read up on what research has shown to be helpful for whatever you are trying to do. Then, focus on what you can influence, and accept whatever you can’t. For example, carbohydrate loading before a big game or race could be helpful, as could electrolytes when dehydrated. It’s unlikely that the colour of the Powerade or the socks had anything to do with how well I played, however.

    Don’t let one experience influence how you react to similar situations in the future. Instead, build up a bigger sample size of experiences before deciding if the two things that your mind is trying to create an association between are helpful for you to maintain. For example, if 10 minutes of mindfulness consistently leads to a better quality of sleep for two weeks in a row, it is worth keeping up. If not, let it go and see what else can help.

    2. Reciprocity

    I remember a few summers ago stopping off at a winery to do a “free wine tasting” with my brother and father on the way to a hike. Fortunately, I didn’t enjoy drinking wine and declined, buying some food and a drink from the cafe instead. However, my brother and father participated, and both walked out with at least two bottles of wine each from the cellar door, at what I thought was a fairly hefty price.

    Robert Cialdini, a Psychologist, has studied reciprocity and has found that people struggle to be in another person’s debt. Where possible, they will naturally feel the urge to repay the favour so that things seem equal or balanced again. Whilst this can lead to a collaborative and cooperative society, some people know about the pull of reciprocity all too well, using it to their advantage to get what they want when they want it. For example, a lot of pharmaceutical companies used to go to extreme lengths (and may still try at times) to get doctors to use their products with patients, ranging from giving them pens or a nice bottle of alcohol to sponsoring conferences and all-inclusive weekends away at a lovely beach resort somewhere in the Caribbean. Even those Timeshare nights where you get a “free dinner” may not sound like such a good idea if you understand our natural urge to repay the debt to someone who gives us something for free.

    The solution is to think twice before saying yes to something if you don’t want it.

    3. Availability Bias

    Imagine this scenario:

    Your 9-year-old child comes to you and asks if they can go to the house of either of their two friends on the weekend — one family has guns in the place, and the other family has a swimming pool.

    Which house would feel safer?

    If you said the family with the swimming pool, you would be wrong, but I don’t blame you for thinking it. It is an availability bias, where what comes to your mind most quickly is confused with what is right. We assume that guns are more dangerous than swimming pools but don’t realise that firearms are often locked away in a safe and secure spot in the house, whereas kids can quickly drown in a swimming pool if left unattended, even briefly. In the US, as pointed out in a Steven Levitt article, one child under ten drowns annually for every 11,000 pools, whereas a gun kills only one child under ten for every million guns. So swimming pools are almost 100 times more likely to kill children under ten than guns. When we think of pools, we don’t think of them as a death trap typically, but instead, we think of summer and fun with family and friends.

    We are much more likely to think of the risk of death and severe injury when thinking about guns. Therefore, our risk map is often wrong, replacing what is right with what information comes to our mind the easiest. We tend to overestimate the risk of dying from a plane crash or murder and underestimate the health risks associated with smoking, binge drinking, an unhealthy diet and inactivity.

    The solution is to look at the statistics and to spend time with people who think differently than you. We need external sources to understand that what is most available isn’t always true.

    4. Sunk Cost Fallacy

    This problem was posed to me when I was learning about this phenomenon at University:

    Let’s imagine that you have booked an upcoming holiday for yourself and have already put down a non-refundable $500 deposit towards this trip. However, you still have $400 to pay. You are looking forward to this trip but wished that you were going with some friends, as you usually don’t enjoy solo trips as much.

    You speak to your friends who say they have already booked a trip for the same week. Of course, it’s not as lovely a place, but it will only cost you $400 a week, and you do prefer going on a trip with friends than by yourself.

    What do you do?

    The sunk cost fallacy occurs when people let their past investments, whether time, money or emotions, influence their decision about what they should do going forward. Both trips will only cost you $400 from this point onwards, so the $500 you have already spent shouldn’t factor into it. So the only logical thing to do is to take the holiday that you are likely to enjoy more. I hate to waste money, so I probably would decide to say no to my friends and try to enjoy the holiday by myself as much as possible or see if I could get another friend to come along. It doesn’t make it the right choice, however.

    So how does this play out in your life? Should you stay in a university course, job, or relationship because of how far you have already come, even if it is evident that it is no longer the right choice for you and that another option would lead to higher happiness? It’s a tricky question again because we are horrible at predicting what will make us happy in the future, as highlighted in the book ‘Stumbling on Happiness’ by Dan Gilbert.

    The solution is to use a surrogate and find out the level of happiness of someone who has just completed what you would like to do. Check out the reviews if it’s a holiday, movie, show, or restaurant. If everyone else wants it, there is a good chance you will, too, so go for it. And if you don’t, don’t feel that you have to see it through to the end just because you have started it. Instead, close the book you aren’t enjoying, turn off the movie, or quit the course, providing that you think there is a better option that will allow you to achieve your long-term goals. Be brave, forget the past, and do what is likely to serve you best going forward.

    5. The Paradox of Choice

    Have you ever noticed how the more of something there is, the harder it is to choose? It is a problem with online dating, cable television, potential career options, deciding what to eat for dinner, and where to go on a holiday. The more decisions we have to make, the more tired we become, but there seems to be a constant need for precisely this everywhere we turn these days. For example, we used to be able to order a coffee. Now it has to be a tall (or another size), skinny (or no milk, 1%, 2% or full cream) soy (or almond or regular cow’s milk), decaf (or caffeinated weakly or extra strong), caramel (or no sugar, raw sugar, stevia, white sugar or other flavours) macchiato (or espresso, latte, flat white or cappuccino) without the cream on top (or with cream, foam or powered chocolate). No wonder people sometimes become nostalgic for when there were fewer choices, and things just seemed to be more straightforward.

    In his book ‘The Paradox of Choice’, Barry Schwartz, a Psychologist, talks about an experiment performed at a supermarket where they offered 24 different jelly samples to customers on day one and six different jelly samples on day two. Which day sold more jelly? Day two, by ten times the amount. Too many options led to indecision and paralysis, and many left without getting any jelly. On the other hand, providing fewer choices made it easier to choose which one they liked the best, and they bought it. So while we may always think that more potential partners, channels, dinner options, and holiday brochures equal a better final decision and outcome, this isn’t always the case. Extensive selections often lead to more unfortunate choices and more significant discontent after a decision.

    The solution is to think carefully about what you want before searching through the options. For example, if you watch a recent horror movie set in outback Australia, Wolf Creek is likely to be a clear winner. Then once you have made your decision, stick to it, at least for a set period, before reviewing the situation and deciding once again. Another research study found that people were happier with their decision when they could not take it back than when they could change their mind whenever they felt like it in the future.

    6. ‘Because’ Justification

    This one is great because it just doesn’t seem like it would work, but it does. In the 1970s, Ellen Langer, a Psychologist, experimented in a Harvard library. She asked numerous people to cut to the front of the line at a photocopier.

    She asked, “Excuse me; I have five pages” in the first scenario. “May I use the photocopier?” 60% of respondents agreed to it.

    She asked, “Excuse me; I have five pages” in the second scenario. “May I use the photocopier because I’m in a rush?” 94% of respondents agreed to it.

    She asked, “Excuse me; I have five pages” in the third scenario. “May I go before you because I have to make some copies?” 93% of respondents agreed to it.

    Notice how the third scenario asks the same thing as the first scenario, with no other reason apart from needing to make copies. Anyone else in the queue at the photocopier needs to do this. Yet because the word ‘because’ is used, 33% more respondents agree. Overall, only 1% less than for those in a rush. So the second excuse is seemingly much better, and one that you would expect more people to allow if they weren’t in a big hurry themselves.

    Therefore, the solution is to justify your reason whenever you want to do something or get away with something, even if the idea isn’t convincing or logical. It may give you that extension that you need on the assignment because you preferred to go to the party on the weekend or get you out of the speeding ticket because it was more fun to go fast. So I dare you to try it next time, because it very well may work.

    There are plenty more thinking errors that most of us succumb to from time to time or all the time. I am sure that I will touch on these more when talking about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in more detail. Until then, check out ‘The Art of Thinking Clearly’, ‘Thinking Fast and Slow’ by Daniel Kahneman, or ‘Predictably Irritational’ by Dan Ariely if you are interested in learning more.

    Once we realise that we are not as rational and in control of our actions as they seem, it becomes a lot easier to be compassionate towards ourselves after we fall into the same trap for the 100th time. The key is to identify once you have fallen into the trap and learn the steps and skills you need to get yourself out.

    Also, a big thanks to Feedspot for featuring Damon Ashworth Psychology at #1 on the top 35 Australian Psychology Blogs on the web.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • How High is Your Physical Intelligence?

    How High is Your Physical Intelligence?

    Physical intelligence is concerned with how different environmental elements interact with our senses to influence or distort our perceptions, judgments, and emotions. These influences then affect our subsequent behaviours.

    In her excellent book ‘Sensation’, Thalma Lobel has neatly summarised all of the critical findings accumulated so far in the emerging field of physical intelligence, or ‘embodied cognition’.

    Like emotional intelligence, physical intelligence appears to be something that can be developed and improved over time. It firstly requires understanding the biases inherent in the interaction between our sensory-motor experiences and the physical environment. Second, it needs an excellent present moment awareness of these biases so that our judgment and actions are adaptive rather than reactive.

    Let’s have a look at how high your physical intelligence is and quick ways that you could improve it:

    1. Temperature

    Q: Should you offer someone a warm or a cold drink when you first meet them if you are trying to make a good first impression?

    In 2008, Williams and Bargh recruited 41 students at Yale and had the experimenter ask half of them to hold a hot cup of coffee for them on the way to the laboratory to ask them a few questions and write down the responses on a clipboard. The other participants held an iced coffee for comparison. They then went to the lab, were given the exact description of a fictitious person, and asked to rate this person on a list of additional traits. Participants who held the hot cup of coffee rated the fictional person as significantly more generous and caring than those who held the iced coffee, even though the participants were not even aware that the cup holding was part of the experiment.

    Subsequent studies have supported this finding in showing that giving someone a physically warm drink contributes to perceiving you or others to be emotionally warmer, which would usually lead to a better first impression.

    Q: Can being treated ‘coldly’ by others lead to a room feeling colder?

    Interestingly, our perception of temperature can change depending on how others treat us or what we think. For example, when we are treated kindly by others, room temperature is typically reported to be higher than it is. Conversely, even thinking of an incident of social exclusion led to the same room feeling 2.6 degrees cooler than in a group that experimenters asked to consider an occurrence of social inclusion (21.4 degrees vs 24 degrees). The way to mitigate this and the feeling of pain that someone experiences following social exclusion? A warm object or drink.

    2. Weight

    Q: Do secrets physically weigh us down?

    In 2003, Profitt and colleagues discovered that when we are carrying a heavy weight, we perceive a hill to be steeper or the distance of something to be further than if we are unencumbered. Seems pretty straightforward, seeing that carrying a heavy backpack would require more effort, and our brain wouldn’t want us to take it as far so that it could conserve energy.

    Interestingly, Slepian and colleagues took this a step further in 2012 and found that having or thinking about a big secret can lead to similar findings as carrying something heavy. By instructing participants to think about a meaningful personal secret, they also perceived a steeper hill. They overshot a target with a beanbag (because they perceived it to be further away) than a control group instructed to think about something trivial. So yes, secrets can weigh us down and make us feel like everything requires more energy and effort, especially physical tasks like climbing the stairs with groceries or helping someone move house.

    If we want to reduce the physical burden secrets have on us, we need to express them and get them “off our shoulders”. Research shows that writing about traumatic experiences or sharing things that we are ashamed of with others that we trust (or a professional such as a psychologist) unburden us and make us feel lighter and better going forward.

    3. Texture

    Q: Do you get trendy but hard chairs or traditional soft chairs if you’re opening a new office or business?

    The texture of materials matters. Soft or fluffy texture often helps people to relax more, be more flexible and feel more comfortable. In contrast, hard, rough or uncomfortable surfaces make people feel more tense, rigid or uptight.

    Wooden, plastic or metal chairs may look great in a new restaurant but may not be so good if it leads to customers thinking the waiting staff are less friendly. However, even if the soft and comfy chairs are more expensive, the long-term benefits could be worth it, especially with internet reviews these days. It may just be the difference between a 4-star and a 5-star review.

    There are situations where you may want to be ‘hard’, such as a lawyer who needs to be assertive and firm to negotiate a tough deal. If that’s the case, bring out the impressively looking but uncomfortable chairs. Also, turn up the air-conditioning, and offer them a glass of icy cold water (see #1).

    4. Colour

    Q: Can a team’s uniform colour impact how many fouls referees call in a sports game?

    Unfortunately, yes. In a 1988 study, Frank and Gilovich presented two identical football game videos to college football fans and professional referees. In one video, the primary team wore a white uniform, and in the other video, the primary team wore a black uniform. The videos were otherwise identical. The fans and the refs commented on how aggressively the teams played and how many penalties they would award. The results were staggering, with the black team receiving significantly more fouls and being perceived as more aggressive by refs and fans alike, even though the only difference was the colour of the uniform.

    Q: What colour is best to wear to a job interview then?

    The colour that probably makes the most significant statement, particularly in power and dominance, is red. It’s why Tiger Woods always used to wear red shirts on the final day of competition back when he was on top of the world and winning all of his majors. The colour red significantly diminishes performance and motivation in others when they see it.

    Red is also the colour that politicians wear when they want to appear powerful. Research findings have linked red with a perception of higher status and success in males and higher attractiveness in females. So keep an eye out for the tie colour the next time you see a male politician in the media. When they want to seem kind and caring, they tend to wear baby blue, and on Election Day or when they want to display conviction or strength, it will be red.

    So if it’s a business or leadership or management interview, red or black is likely to be the best colour to wear. However, if it’s a role in a helping profession where a softer side is more desired, light blue or white may be better for an interview.

    5. Cleanliness

    Q: Who is more likely to lie — someone about to shower or someone who has just finished?

    If you want to find out the truth from someone, don’t ask them straight after a shower. The questioned person will find it much easier to stretch the truth when they feel clean, as they have a “clean conscience”. Just after a workout and before a shower, they may feel sweaty, dirty or unclean, and therefore will find it less easy to tell a fib. Instead, go for a run or to the gym or play sport together, and then ask away.

    Q: What about willingness to help others — someone who has just washed their hands or someone who hasn’t?

    In 2006, Zhong and Liljenquist instructed student participants to recall an unethical deed in writing. The experimenters told half of the group to use an antiseptic wipe to clean their hands after typing their act on a computer, whereas the other group did not wash their hands. Both groups could then volunteer by participating in another student’s research project without receiving any compensation. More participants in the no washing group agreed to volunteer for the additional study than those who had cleaned their hands(74% compared to 41%).

    Follow-up studies also found a higher tolerance of other dubious acts, including cheating, following any actions that led to people feeling cleaner. The more that an individual feels that their physical slate is clean, the more space they have to accommodate for things that feel morally dirty.

    6. Posture and Confidence

    Q: How can our physical space be utilised to feel more confident or powerful?

    If you want to feel more confident, try power posing. For example, stand over a table with both of your hands pressed down for one minute. Or lean back in a chair with your legs up and hands back behind your head. Both poses can increase testosterone, leading to greater feelings of power, confidence and assertiveness.

    Be careful of how you hold yourself in your space too. For example, arms crossed, shoulders hunched, or head lowered indicate less confidence or friendliness, whereas standing up straight with an open posture and appropriate eye contact often represents someone who is welcoming and comfortable in their own space.

    7. Physical Space and Creativity

    Q: What are some easy ways to become more creative?

    • Get a box, and put it next to you while you are brainstorming ideas. It will help you think more abstractly by “thinking outside the box” on a physical level.
    • Do everything with your opposite hand. You will pay more attention, and it will make you think about things differently.
    • Engage in your morning routine backwards.
    • Get out into nature, or look at a picture of nature.
    • Keep a cluttered or semi-cluttered desk. An environment that is too clean stifles creativity.
    • Work in an environment of approximately 70 decibels. A local coffee shop is generally about this volume, so some writers prefer to do their work there (I previously thought they just wanted to look trendy).
    • If you want to come up with opposing ideas, or reasons why you shouldn’t do something, place the left hand up high in the air, and say “on the one hand…”, then raise the right hand and lower the left hand and say “then on the other.” It may seem silly, but doing this helps us to think of more opposing points.

    How does it work?

    Physical intelligence, or embodied cognition, is about how metaphors and abstract concepts are grounded in and related to our physical experiences. We first learn how to interact with our world on a non-verbal, physical and sensory level before we understand the verbal level of language and metaphor. Language skills, therefore, build upon and utilise our previous sensory and physical experiences. It is why the same brain areas light up in neuroimaging studies when we see the sentence “I had a rough day” as when we are touching a rough object. However, a different and unrelated area will light up when we see the sentence “I had a bad day”, even though bad and rough have similar meanings.

    Although some metaphors might now seem outdated, if they are things that most people had learned at some point when they were younger, they can be used to our advantage, depending on what we want to achieve.

    Whether you want to be warmer, more trustworthy, flexible, powerful, confident or creative, you can utilise your physical intelligence to change your feelings, perceptions, and behaviours. You can also influence how others perceive and react to you.

  • How to Spend Your Money for Optimal Happiness

    How to Spend Your Money for Optimal Happiness

    Not all the best things in life are free.

    I was on holiday in Queenstown, New Zealand, back in 2016 and was amazed at how beautiful the scenery was. I was also amazed by how many experiences were on offer for people visiting or living there.

    On my first day in Queenstown, I walked into the town. I immediately saw brochures for the speedboats, canyon swings, skydiving, mountain biking, snowboarding and heli-skiing in several shop windows.

    I began hiking up a mountain, and suddenly someone whirred by me through the trees on a zip line travelling at 70km/h. It looked scary but also exhilarating.

    Further up the hill, I came across a luge track where families and friends were roaring down the mountain in their carts, smiling and laughing and generally having a great time while taking in the breathtaking views. I saw people bungee jumping from a platform off the side of the mountain, and just above that were people paragliding down to the valley floor.

    I don’t recall seeing many unhappy faces that day. On the contrary, most people were fully engaged by others or what they were doing. Engagement is crucial for optimal well-being.

    However, apart from hiking and taking in the scenery, these activities did come at a considerable cost. The several days of skiing that I did afterwards at the surrounding Alpine Resorts were no exception.

    If I had taken more money with me on that trip to New Zealand, I would have been able to experience a more extensive array of potentially fun activities. Furthermore, as long as I enjoyed these activities, I believe they would have contributed to a higher level of happiness.

    Can money ever buy us happiness?

    Anyone who says that money can’t buy us happiness is looking at it too simplistically. I’ve seen too many financially stressed clients know that a significant gift of money would be a massive assistance in their time of need. It would reduce their stress and hopefully increase their level of financial security, happiness and overall well-being. Right?

    Looking at past lottery winners, we can see that winning a large sum of money does increase short-term happiness. However, 12 months later, the lottery winner has typically returned to their pre-win levels of joy and sometimes feels even worse.

    Furthermore, even people who have up to 10 million dollars of net worth often don’t feel financially secure and still believe that if they had more money, they would feel more confident, happier, and more able to buy everything they wanted.

    It seems that it almost doesn’t matter how much money we have. As a result, most people will continue to feel financially insecure and typically strive to make more money than they have currently. But is this the best way?

    Another fascinating study found that beyond a certain amount of money (approximately $70,000 annually), an increase in salary does not typically lead to greater overall emotional or physical well-being. On the other hand, it seems that we do need to have enough money to look after our fundamental needs (food, shelter, water, safety etc.) and have a little bit of leisure or fun. However, making more money doesn’t seem to hold the answer to happiness, especially if we spend it in the ways that most people do.

    Why does more money not equal more happiness?

    I believe that the traps of Materialism and Capitalism are to blame, especially in Western culture. We think that working hard, making lots of money, and buying lots of stuff is the secret to happiness and success. This equation is just a myth, however, and it is required for consumerism to flourish. Consumerism prioritises short-term and societal growth above individual functioning or what is best over a long-term basis. It drives us to believe that we need the stuff to be happy, and this is often at the expense of things we need in our lives to flourish.

    So what can we do about it?

    In the excellent book “Stuffocation” by James Wallman, he makes the case that most people in Western society have too much stuff due to their consumer lifestyle. It is complicating our lives and stressing us out. This stress is now offsetting any of the benefits that come from the stuff that we buy. So should we throw everything out?

    Wallman does explore Minimalism as a possible solution to our Stuffocation. However, he doesn’t believe that Minimalism is the antidote because it is purely defined by what materialism isn’t. True freedom can only come from doing what is suitable for us, not doing the opposite of what is wrong. Minimalism is too confining.

    We could all just quit our jobs too, and stop making money, but the financial debt would catch up to us pretty quickly unless we somehow learned to become entirely self-sufficient and live off the land. Some people and communities can do this, but it’s not for everyone.

    Working less may help. Sweden has recently led the way with this by shortening their workdays down to 6 hours. Many people complain about being time-poor, and reducing how much time we spend at work would increase the amount of time available for people to use in whichever way they find most meaningful. It could be time with family, friends, engaging in exercise or hobbies, or taking some time to reflect and relax. We could cut down through improving productivity or efficiency (books like the ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen Covey or ‘Getting Things Done’ by David Allen could help) or cut down our commitments. Our productivity declines if we work more than 9 hours per day or more than 48 hours per week, so this should be a helpful guide for the maximum hours to work for optimal happiness.

    Once you have the extra time, it’s still about making sure that you spend your money in ways that will give you the biggest bang for your buck.

    How to spend money in ways that can increase happiness

    (1) buy more experiences rather than material objects — Wallman believes that Experientialism is the antidote to Materialism and Consumerism. We need to invest money in experiences and not in stuff. We need to be able to engage in these experiences. They also need to be accessible and affordable to have a significant impact on our overall well-being. If you have to invest in stuff, buy stuff that will make life easier for you to have more of the experiences you would like and less of the experiences that you don’t.

    (2) make sure that you are buying things for the right reason — A car or even a ride-on lawnmower can be a way to make things easier or to have an enjoyable experience, or it can just be more stuff. We need to determine why we want to buy something, and if it is about impressing others (showing our status) rather than for our enjoyment, it probably won’t lead to long-lasting happiness.

    (3) buy more frequent and smaller pleasures, rather than less frequent and larger ones — People are relatively insensitive to the price of an object. If we buy less expensive things, we get a similar pay-off or reward (in happiness terms) for a much smaller cost. The less expensive stuff we buy, the less we need to work and save, and the less credit card debt we’ll have. With the Australian Securities and Investment Commission stating that Australians owe nearly $32 billion in credit card debt, or over $4,300 each, this is advice that a lot of us could take on.

    (4) avoid credit card debt and overpriced insurance — Have you ever noticed that all of the tall buildings in cities tend to belong to either banks or insurance companies. There is a reason for this. They prey on our cognitive biases and utilise effective marketing strategies to get us to buy things now and pay them later. The average Australian pays over $725 of interest annually on the $4,300 they owe on their credit card at an interest rate between 15 and 20%. Suppose we pay only the minimum repayments, whether a credit card or a home loan. It will take a long time to pay it off and cost you a lot more money in interest. So spending more to reduce our interest or getting a debit card rather than a credit card will help us to not waste money for nothing in return except for immediate gratification. With extended warranties and no excess insurance, we will have to pay a premium for “peace of mind”, so it’s essential to work out if that peace is worth the extra cost for you. Insurance works like the lottery — we always think, “what if it happened to me?” and forget about the actual probability of these events occurring.

    (5) delay gratification by booking ahead — With more expensive experiences, the longer we can plan these, the better it is for us. Not only do we get the experience, but also the anticipation and excitement leading up to it. So the next time you want to be spontaneous and book a concert ticket or holiday, book it for six months in advance and thank me for the increased happiness later.

    (6) use your money to give to or help others — There was a study where they gave individuals $20. Half of them spent it on themselves, and the other half gave it away to someone else. They then tracked the happiness of these groups over some time. Whilst the happiness levels were similar between the two groups immediately after the event, the group who gave the money away were significantly higher only two weeks later. So giving to others does make a difference, both to them as well as to you. It is a lovely message to keep in mind with Christmas around the corner.

    If you are interested in other ways to increase happiness through spending, please check out the fascinating article titled ‘If Money Doesn’t Make You Happy Then You Probably Aren’t Spending It Right’ by Elizabeth Dunn, Daniel Gilbert and Timothy Wilson.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • 7 Life Lessons That We Can Learn From Hollywood Movies

    7 Life Lessons That We Can Learn From Hollywood Movies

    I recently read a book titled ‘Writing Screenplays that Sell’ by Michael Hauge and was fascinated to see how psychologically informed screenwriters create engaging stories with meaningful plots and entertaining characters.

    Although Hollywood sometimes gets bad press for promoting materialistic and unrealistic goals for the audience, I do believe that we can learn some valuable life lessons from dissecting the common elements of screenplays that result in successful movies.

    Here are eight insights that I believe are important:

    #1 — Be the hero of your story

    Every movie has a hero that we identify with and develop empathy for. Screenwriters do this deliberately because we are likely to care more about the story and become involved in the movie if it focuses on one character and their perspective and challenges more than the other characters.

    In real life, the person whose perspective we can most tune into is ourselves, and we feel the emotional impact of our experiences whether we like it or not (even though many people try to tune these out). It, therefore, makes a lot of sense to ensure that we are the hero of our own life.

    Unless you believe in reincarnation, we only have one life. Once we become adults, no one else is entirely responsible for our life’s direction except for us. We are the screenwriters, directors and the main character in our story — unless we give that power up to somebody else. It is a scary thought but also a potentially liberating one.

    Although there are limitations to our abilities and dreams, and it is essential to have realistic expectations, I see too many people that put up roadblocks and barriers where they don’t need to be.

    So if we are free to do what we want with our lives and responsible for how they turn out, what do we want to do? Live the life that someone else expects of us or follow our dreams and hopefully achieve our goals.

    #2 — Challenge yourself if you would like to grow

    Screenwriters are taught that a movie should start slowly and build pace as the film progresses by increasing the magnitude and difficulty of challenges that the hero faces until the film’s climax. A resolution is then typically achieved, and all of the loose ends are tied up before the movie concludes with the hero being a much better person than they were at the beginning of the film. It is from overcoming bigger and bigger adversity throughout the film that the hero develops and grows. Without challenges or difficulties to master, this growth and character development would be impossible, and people would find the movie dull.

    In real life, I see a lot of clients who want a life free of challenges. They strive for a life of inner peace without stress or anxiety and believe that they can achieve this by consistently remaining in their comfort zone. So they do the same thing each day, don’t take any risks, and generally feel okay. A lot of them will tell you that something is missing, however.

    We need to push beyond what feels comfortable to grow, and with this comes a certain amount of stress and anxiety. However, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing and can be a good indication that you are sufficiently challenging yourself so long as you are not feeling overwhelmed. Just remember to start small with tasks that feel a little scary but are also achievable, and as you build up confidence, move on to more significant challenges. As long as the challenges are consistent with changes that you would like to bring about in your life, you will feel more energetic and alive than you ever could by remaining in your comfort zone, even if you fail.

    “The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.”

    Rainer Maria Rilke

    #3 — Conflict leads to more intense emotional experiences

    Screenwriters learn to create conflict in every scene where possible, usually by having two characters with different views and objectives. Conflict creates emotional involvement far more than general exposition ever could, leading to a more engaged audience.

    In real life, especially in relationships, this isn’t always a good thing. We might feel a more significant attraction or more intense emotional experience with someone who is opposed to us in what they want. I see it often when individuals who are anxiously attached (like being close to their partner and worry when they are apart) end up in relationships with avoidantly attached individuals (like their independence and feel trapped if they are too close). Each time it leads to an emotional rollercoaster ride, with lots of conflicts, big ups and downs, and greater emotional involvement. It keeps both parties occupied and interested but will do more harm than good in the end.

    Finding someone who wants the same things that we do may be less exciting initially but can also lead to greater satisfaction and well-being in the long run. Be aware of the emotional trap, and use your head and heart when determining if a relationship is suitable for you.

    #4 — Have clearly defined goals

    All heroes will have the primary goal or external motivation that they will pursue throughout the film. Screenwriters want the audience to cheer on the hero as they strive towards their dream. For example, it may be to escape from or kill the bad guy in a horror movie. In a heist movie, it may be to steal the money and get away with it. In a romantic comedy, it is to win the affection of the love interest. A coming of age story is to learn something, and in a sports movie, it is to win.

    In real life, it is essential to think of the big picture at times and ask yourself where you would like to be in 1, 2, 5, 10 and 20 years from now? How would you want to be spending your days? Whether owning a business, buying a house, getting married, having children or running a marathon, these external, observable goals help keep us motivated and focused on our destination or where we would like to see ourselves in the future. Once these goals have been achieved, you can tick them off the list. It then becomes vital to elicit and develop further plans to pursue.

    “Believe big. The size of your success is determined by the size of your belief. Think little goals and expect little achievements. Think big goals and win big success. Remember this too! Big ideas and big plans and often easier — certainly no more difficult — than small ideas and small plans.”

    David Schwartz

    #5 — Understand why you want to achieve these goals — clarify your values

    The movie may not explicitly state it, but a hero will still have an internal motivation or reason for pursuing a dream. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be worth overcoming all of the obstacles they face to achieve the movie’s end goal.

    Two people may want to buy a house or run a marathon, but their reasons for doing so could be completely different. For example, one home buyer may wish for security and a place to call home, whereas the other wants to make their parents and family proud of them (to gain love, approval or acceptance). Likewise, one marathon runner may decide to enter the race to become healthier and lose weight. In contrast, another may do it to spend more time with their friend or partner that loves running (for greater connection or intimacy).

    Values, unlike goals, can never be ticked off the list but are guiding principles that can either be followed or not from moment to moment. For example, if honesty is an essential value to you, you can be honest whenever you tell the truth and dishonest whenever you lie. By living honestly, you will be feeling more fulfilled, and by being dishonest, you will likely feel dissatisfied or guilty. So firstly, clarify which values are most important to you, and then set short, medium and long-term goals that are consistent with the guiding principles you choose.

    “To be truly rich, regardless of his fortune or lack of it, a man must live by his own values. If those values are not personally meaningful, then no amount of money gained can hide the emptiness of life without them.”

    John Paul Getty

    #6 — Have mentors that can help you to achieve your goals

    Screenwriters call these characters reflections, and they are there to help the hero learn and grow along with their journey towards their ultimate goal. This is Robin Williams to Matt Damon in ‘Good Will Hunting’, Mr Miyagi to Daniel-son in ‘The Karate Kid’, and Morgan Freeman in most movies (‘The Shawshank Redemption’, ‘Bruce Almighty’, ‘The Dark Knight’). Mentors usually don’t have a significant character arc because they are already evolved in areas where the hero wants to improve. However, they know what the right thing is and help guide the hero on their path.

    In real life, it is essential to have mentors or people that have done what you would like to do that you can turn to for help when you get stuck, have questions, or need advice. By seeking support through individuals who are more knowledgeable and experienced in the areas you are hoping to build skills, it is possible to learn from their insights and mistakes without repeating them yourself, leading to a more effective learning and growth process. Furthermore, if they can be honest and direct in their feedback of your strengths and weaknesses, they can also help you see the real you and guide you towards what is correct and genuine, even if you don’t exactly want to hear it. Mentors can be friends or relatives or can even be paid for or hired too. It is why people have psychologists, personal trainers and life coaches. It is also why I obtain regular external supervision to keep improving towards becoming the best psychologist that I can be.

    “The way for you to be happy and successful, to get more of the things you really want in life, is to study and emulate those who have already done what you want to do and achieved the results you want to achieve.”

    Brian Tracy

    #7 — It is our actions that define who we become

    In his book ‘Story’, Robert McKee, a famous screenwriter, says that the hero’s character is genuinely revealed not in the scenes when everything is relaxed and calm, but in their choices when the going gets tough. The greater the pressure, the more revealing the scene is of the hero’s essential nature. Notice it is not their intentions or things they may speak about doing earlier in the film, but what they do when it really counts.

    How will you react in the most significant moments in your life? With courage and persistence despite fear or challenge, or with avoidance, excuses or procrastination? With compassion, generosity and respect, or criticalness, selfishness and contempt? Will you talk about all of the great things you want to do or the things that you could have been, or focus on what you can still do and get out there and do it? It doesn’t just have to be big moments either.

    “Don’t wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great”

    Orison Swett Marden

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • 25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life

    25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life

    1. KAIZEN

    A Japanese term meaning “improvement”.

    I think of Kaizen as ‘continuous improvement’ or “continual change for the better, one small step at a time”, as this is how I first heard of the term.

    Many successful Japanese manufacturing companies in automobiles and technology have used this exact approach to obtain massive success over time.

    What could you achieve if you just focused on taking one small step in the right direction today and then another one every day after that?

    2. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE…

    Gandhi did not say, “Be the change you want to see in the world,” even though people attribute this quote to him. What he said was this:

    “We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.”

    Mahatma Gandhi

    3. BE HERE NOW

    If we are fully present in the moment and aware of what is going on both internally and externally, we choose what we decide to do.

    If you do not feel present, meditate, ground yourself, get outside, move and connect with your five senses in the moment and the world around you.

    “Awareness is all about restoring your freedom to choose what you want instead of what your past imposes on you.”

    Deepak Chopra

    4. CHOICES DEFINE YOUR LEGACY

    It is a lengthy process of choices becoming actions, actions becoming habits, and your habits informing your character and ultimate legacy. A Mr Wiseman first said a quote like this in 1856. It tells us that whatever we sow, we must later reap.

    Therefore, it is essential to engage in positive actions before what we do becomes habitual. Gambling, smoking and binge drinking all start as choices. But the more engrained something is, the harder it is to stop. If we choose to engage in healthy activities enough, they too can become automatic for us.

    “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

    Donald Hebb

    5. LIFE WASN’T MEANT TO BE EASY

    We often don’t appreciate things that fall into our lap, and we tend to value things much more when we put in some hard work to get them. Even people who build their own IKEA furniture think these items are worth more than those who do not.

    I know I’d be more proud of the $3 million I built up through hard work than the equivalent amount of money won through a lottery. How about you?

    “Anything in life worth having is worth working for.”

    Andrew Carnegie

    6. THE MAGIC HAPPENS OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE

    “Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”

    Brian Tracy

    So many people want a comfortable life and therefore stick to what feels safe. But, unfortunately, if you are not willing to feel uncomfortable, your life will only get smaller over time.

    When you first step out of your comfort zone, it will be scary; you will feel awkward and even feel unsafe. But is it really, or does it just feel threatening because it is new? If at this moment, you run back to what you are used to, you won’t grow. However, if you persist through the initial pain, it will only get more comfortable in time, and your comfort zone will continue to expand and grow.

    7. RETHINK WHAT IT MEANS TO BE FREE

    What does freedom mean to you?

    You are doing whatever your parents, school, bosses, or government wants you to do? UMM NO. That is called compliance.

    You are rebelling against everything and doing the exact opposite of what your parents, school, bosses and government tell you to do? STILL NO. That is called counterpliance. Your actions are still being defined by what others tell you to do. Plus, it doesn’t always work out too well for you.

    You are just living for the moment and indulging in all of your passions and pleasures whenever you want because YOLO, right? NOPE. Hedonism may feel great for a night but not for a lifetime. It can also have nasty side effects if you aren’t careful, including weight gain, disease, debt, dissatisfaction, and even death.

    True freedom must come from making the choice that is likely to be the best for you in the long term, even if it denies you that last alcoholic drink or dessert or the fun that happens after 2 am. You might want the added snooze time in the mornings, but If you can’t get yourself to do things that are difficult or painful in the short term but beneficial in the long run, you can never honestly be free in the future. As a former NAVY SEAL famously said:

    “Discipline equals freedom.”

    Jocko Willink

    8. GETTING STARTED IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST PART

    “The secret of getting ahead is getting started”

    Mark Twain

    In a book that I once read (the Willpower Instinct, I think), I came across a 10-minute rule that I found surprisingly helpful. If you are not sure if you are up for doing something, give it a go for 10 minutes, and if after 10 minutes you still don’t feel up to it, stop. I tried it a few times by going to the gym, and usually, once I get there and get into it, I’m fine, but my brain often tries to tell me that I am too tired before I go.

    The 10-minute strategy seems to work because it is much easier to get our brains to do something for 10 minutes than for a considerable chunk of time. It is because it requires much less energy when we are forecasting our capacity to do the task. In addition, human brains are cognitive misers, which means they are always trying to “help” by conserving energy. So if you want to get started or you feel tired, think small.

    9. THE FIRST DRAFT OF ANYTHING IS TRASH

    “Don’t get discouraged because there’s a lot of mechanical work to writing. There is, and you can’t get out of it. I rewrote the first part of A Farewell to Arms at least fifty times. You’ve got to work it over. The first draft of anything is shit. When you first start to write you get all the kick and the reader gets none, but after you learn to work it’s your object to convey everything to the reader so that he remembers it not as a story he had read but something that happened to himself.”

    Ernest Hemingway

    This quote is fantastic because people often think they need to produce a masterpiece the first time they try or do something. However, if one of the most famous authors of all time made horrible first drafts, why should we expect more on ours? The solution is to focus on the process, not the outcome, and produce a draft before editing, reviewing, or criticising what you have done.

    10. DON’T PUT THINGS OFF UNTIL LATER

    “If something takes less than 2 minutes to do, don’t write it down or add it to your to do list — do it now.”

    David Allen, Getting Things Done

    Most people have so much stuff to do at any time that it is challenging to ever get their to-do list down to zero. It causes anxiety and stress for many people. However, the key is to have an excellent system to manage everything that comes in so that you don’t have to keep worrying and thinking about everything you need to do. Getting things done (GTD) is one such system. And the two-minute rule from GTD says that small tasks should never go on your to-do list if you can get them done now. This rule alone means that my email inbox rarely has any unopened or unreplied emails.

    11. BE YOURSELF; EVERYONE ELSE IS TAKEN

    Some believe that Oscar Wilde first said this, but the fascinating quote investigator website said they could not find it in any of his writings. However, Keith Craft noted something similar in announcing that we all have a unique fingerprint, and we can, therefore, “leave a unique imprint that no one else can leave.”

    “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

    12. WE REGRET THE THINGS WE DON’T DO MORE THAN THE THINGS WE DO

    We tend to think about what we may lose if we take a risk when deciding the future. However, when reflecting on the past, we regret what we missed by not taking a chance. The question then becomes, do we:

    1. Play it safe, and not put ourselves out there because people may judge or criticise us for giving something a go and not succeeding? Or
    2. Criticise others for being brave enough to try something? Or
    3. Throw caution to the wind and give it our best shot, knowing that we will learn and grow more from mistakes and setbacks than we ever would have by sitting back and criticising others?

    “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

    Theodore Roosevelt

    13. FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!

    Susan Jeffers was my hero back when I read her top-selling self-help book. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t have to get rid of my fear before I tried to act courageously.

    The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris then further highlighted to me that the actions tend to come before the feeling of confidence, not the other way around.

    Fear was designed to keep us safe as a hunter-gatherer but holds us back more in modern-day life than it helps us sometimes. So instead, we need to assess the actual level of risk whenever we feel fear and go for it if the situation feels scary but is pretty safe. It could be horror movies, roller coaster rides, plane flights, or public speaking.

    “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

    Franklin Delano Roosevelt, inaugural address, 1932

    14. WYSIATI

    “What you see is all there is.”

    Daniel Kahneman

    How you are thinking and feeling in the moment is very much influenced by how you are thinking and feeling. If you feel on top of the world, you are likely to be feeling happy, thinking positively about yourself, others, the world and your future. Anything may feel possible. Then the next week, you have a setback or get sick, and you start to feel depressed and hopeless and think negatively about yourself, others, the world and your future. Of course, both can’t be true if they are only a week apart. It’s therefore essential to understand the power of WYSIATI.

    Don’t think too big picture if you feel flat and down, and try not to do your weekly shop when you’re too hungry. The choices you’ll make once you’ve picked up a bit and have eaten something are likely to be very different.

    15. MEMENTO MORI

    “Remember that you have to die.”

    Latin phrase

    In many cultures worldwide and throughout history, acknowledging our mortality through prayer, meditation, reflection, ceremony, or celebration is more common than in atheistic or modern-day Western life.

    The phrase memento mori helped people consider the transient nature of earthly life, our goods and our pursuits and enabled them to become humble and clarify what was important to them.

    16. THINGS FADE; ALTERNATIVES EXCLUDE

    Two things that are inevitable in life are:

    1. no matter what we do, time passes and things erode over time (also known as the second law of thermodynamics), and

    2. if we go down one path, we cannot go down another track simultaneously.

    “Decisions are difficult for many reasons, some reaching down into the very socket of our being. John Gardner, in his novel Grendel, tells of a wise man who sums up his meditations on life’s mysteries in two simple but terrible postulates: “Things fade: alternatives exclude.” […] Decision invariably involves renunciation: for every yes there must be a no, each decision eliminating or killing other options (the root of the word decide means “slay,” as in homicide or suicide).”

    Irvin Yalom (1991). Love’s executioner. p. 10. Penguin Books.

    17. PARKINSON’S LAW

    Have you ever wondered how you get way more work done on some days when you are super busy? Then on quiet days, you don’t have much work to do but struggle to get it all done. The reason for this is Parkinson’s law:

    “Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

    The Stock–Sanford corollary to Parkinson’s rule is better, in my opinion, and it is something I used a lot when studying at uni:

    “If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do.”

    If productivity is what you are going for, give yourself a closer deadline and someone to hold you accountable if you don’t meet it, and voila, productivity and efficiency improve!

    18. THE IMPORTANCE OF MEANING AND PURPOSE

    “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Nietzsche was a nihilist, which meant that he didn’t think the world had any meaning in it. Irvin Yalom said that even if the world is meaningless overall, it is still essential for us to find personally meaningful things individually or as a group. Viktor Frankl showed that in the concentration camps in WWII, those with some higher purpose beyond the camps were the ones who could manage to survive the horrible atrocities they faced every day.

    What’s personally meaningful to you? Where could you find purpose?

    19. DON’T LISTEN TO THE DOUBTERS

    “Impossibility is not a fact — it’s an opinion.”

    Muhammed Ali

    Think of anyone who has done something groundbreaking or is still trying to do something pioneering today — Henry Ford, Walt Disney, Steve Jobs, Barack Obama, Richard Branson, Elon Musk, Bill Gates. I wonder how many people told them to give up, grow up, stop being deluded, or think realistically? I’d say most of them.

    Just because someone hasn’t done something doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t do it. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had the massive amount of progression that we have had over the past 200 years.

    20. CLARIFY YOUR VALUES AND MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON THESE

    “(Some people spend) their lives doing work they detest to make money they don’t want to buy things they don’t need in order to impress people they dislike.”

    Emile Gauvreau

    Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your life has to be a certain way just because everyone else is doing something a certain way and telling you that you should too.

    By clarifying your values first and building your hierarchy, you can see if what you are currently doing is consistent with what is essential. If not, what changes could you make that you’d be willing to make to help you start heading in the right direction? The earlier you make these changes, or at least concrete plans to make them, the higher chance you will be happy with the path you are on.

    21. RELATIONSHIP WARMTH IS THE NUMBER ONE PREDICTOR OF LONG-TERM HEALTH AND HAPPINESS

    “Love people, use things. The opposite never works.”

    Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus, The Minimalists

    The minimalist movement has picked up in the last 20 years in response to most of us in the Western world having way too much stuff and realising that it doesn’t make us any happier. If anything, it causes us more stress. Clothing used to be a scarce and valuable thing. Now wardrobes and houses are overflowing, and storage facilities are popping up everywhere to help clear some space.

    What if we just bought fewer things and focused more on what matters: our connections with the important people in our lives. Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, found that in the end, close relationships are more critical to our health and happiness than anything else.

    22. OCCAM’S RAZOR

    “Given several possible explanations about something, the simplest one is probably right.”

    Is the dog above trying to read, or is it merely sniffing the book?

    Occam’s razor is why conspiracy theories are never likely to be true. Think about the moon landing, or 9/11, or the Illuminati, flat earth theories, or any other conspiracy out there. For the conspiracy plot to be accurate, so many added levels are needed. Even people keeping the scheme a secret for years without anyone turning themselves in or trying to make money out of it is unlikely. So it’s much simpler and more likely that there is no conspiracy.

    You can also apply Occam’s razor to losing weight, sleeping well, getting stronger, or improving any skill. Some people have complicated theories, but usually, the answer lies in relatively simple explanations. Doing too much or complicating things beyond what is necessary often backfires.

    Reduce things back to the bare essentials, and see what happens.

    23. LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS

    The law of diminishing returns says that each time we do something to receive a benefit, the benefit will be less and less.

    Let’s say you order this massive stack of pancakes in the picture above. The first pancake may taste amazing, and the pleasure received is a 9 out of 10. After that, each bite is likely to be slightly less enjoyable than the bite before. Finally, if you somehow managed to get through the whole stack, the last taste might only be a 1 out of 10 on the pleasure scale.

    However, a month later, your next pancake might reach 9 out of 10 on the pleasure scale again.

    The solution is to wait for long enough between doing the same thing twice so that you enjoy it just as much the next time.

    “Variety is the very spice of life, that gives it all its flavour.”

    William Cowper

    24. BE KIND

    “If you’re kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.”

    Mother Teresa

    If you know why you are doing something, try not to worry about what others think. People who do not understand why you are doing what you are doing will see it from their point of view.

    If they could only do what you are doing by getting something in return, they will assume you have the same intention. But being kind is a reward within itself. If you can give just for the sake of it, do it. You can thank me later.

    25. DESIGN YOUR OWN LIFE

    “When you grow up you tend to get told the world is the way it is and (you should) just live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family, have fun, save a little money. That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again”.

    Steve Jobs

    As far as I see the world, we only have one life to live. We can spend it doing what others expect of us, or we can spend it doing what is suitable for us. We can blame everyone else for how things turn out, or we can go our own way.

    Regardless of what you decide, time passes, and eventually, you will either feel that you made the most of what you had or accumulate regrets. I try to live my life in a way where I learn from my past mistakes, and make choices that I hopefully won’t regret in the future. What about you?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Can Psychologists and Psychics Read Minds?

    Can Psychologists and Psychics Read Minds?

    When I tell people that I am a clinical psychologist, people often ask, “Are you reading my mind right now?”

    The fascinating thing about the question is that it isn’t what psychologists do.

    Sure, I can pick up on other people’s emotions much more than I could before I started clinical work. I’ve also become more skilled at reading people’s body language and tone of voice and what this might mean. These skills could help me be a better poker player, but not a psychic.

    Do people get a psychologist and a psychic confused?

    I want to hope not, but I’m also sure that I’ve never met another psychologist who has claimed to be a mind reader.

    Well, maybe some of my friends and I used to during our undergraduate studies, but we weren’t psychologists yet, and we weren’t psychics. Just using some silly tricks that we had read in the book ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss, an exposé on the pick-up-artist community. So when anyone asked us if we could read their minds, we would say one of two things:

    1. Think of a number between 1 and 10.

    Go ahead, think of it.

    It turns out that a surprisingly high number of people say 7. When people guessed this, and we got it right, they confirmed their beliefs that we were mind readers.

    2. Imagine you are driving along a road in the desert, and in the distance, you see a cube up ahead on the side of the road. What size is the cube (small, medium, big)? Is the cube opaque (see-through) or solid? What colour is the cube? Now imagine that there is a ladder near this cube. Where is it?

    With each response, an “hmm, interesting” was all we would say until the person answered all questions.

    We would then give generic, generally positive responses such as:

    • big cube = extraverted
    • opaque = open and easy to get to know
    • red = passionate
    • the ladder on top of cube = high achiever

    The funny thing was that people were generally pretty happy with their analysis and were sufficiently impressed with our mind-reading skills.

    The Problem With Horoscopes

    It often perplexes me how horoscopes in the newspaper apply to the 600 million+ people globally that have that star sign. But, of course, it’s also fascinating how many people read them each day and believe in what they say. But maybe that is typical of me as a Sagittarius to be a doubter and an unbeliever. Who knows.

    In my year 11 Psychology class, I remember a little experiment that our teacher did with us. To begin with, we were all described our personality based on our horoscope. I have programmed this article to figure out your character based on your horoscope to give you a sense of its accuracy. Let me know how accurate my description of you is from 0 = poor to 5 = excellent:

    1. You need other people to like and admire you.
    2. You tend to be critical of yourself.
    3. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage.
    4. While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them.
    5. Disciplined and self-controlled outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside.
    6. At times you have serious doubts about whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing.
    7. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations.
    8. You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others’ statements without satisfactory proof.
    9. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others.
    10. At times, you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while you are introverted, wary, and reserved at other times.
    11. Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic.
    12. Security is one of your primary goals in life.

    How accurate was my assessment?

    When we received this description in class, most of us rated it a 4 out of 5. However, it turns out that we were all given the same explanation regardless of our horoscope, and if you haven’t guessed it yet, I have done the same with you.

    These 12 items are all known as Barnum statements, which Psychologist Bertram Forer first used in his 1948 study to observe this phenomenon. He found that people tend to believe that general and mostly positive personality descriptions apply specifically to them without realising that they could also apply to many others.

    These findings have been duplicated several times since, with most results supporting the initial findings that these statements are about 85% accurate at describing an individual’s personality. Now commonly known as the Forer effect, it is one of the main reasons astrology, fortune-telling, some personality tests and other forms of supposed mind-reading are so popular and perceived as valid.

    Well, Then Explain To Me How..?

    Whenever I tell people that I doubt these things, most believers will come back to me with a testimony, either from their experiences or that of a family member or friend. They’ll tell me about a time when someone they saw could accurately know or predict something that they believe could not have been known in any other way.

    Just because I don’t believe in mind-reading or fortune-telling or communicating with spirits does not mean that I can know with 100% certainty that they do not exist. If anyone could prove their gifts scientifically, I would be genuinely amazed. I’d even be happy to utilise and recommend their services.

    Until I see much scientific proof, however, I recommend this. If a clairvoyant, fortune teller, medium, aura reader, or anyone else helps you feel better or gain more clarity on the path you would like to take going forward, then that is great. However, if they cause you to worry more about a horrible fate or not take control or action in your life, then that is not good. Especially if they are charging you a lot of money. If a psychologist is doing the same thing to you, this would be equally as bad.

    Tricks of the Trade

    It doesn’t matter what field it is. Some people are generally warm, intuitive and empathetic, and genuinely want to help the people that they see. Other people may have less altruistic intentions and motivations for doing what they do.

    I want people to be aware of the various tricks that certain people may use to convince others that they have the power to read people’s minds, communicate with spirits, or predict the future.

    In ‘The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading’, Ian Rowland lists 38 persuasion techniques (including Barnum statements). Known as elements, they are used to extract information from clients, convince them that they know something about their character, about the facts and events of their life, and about the future. Some of my favourites are:

    Elements to extract information:

    1. ‘Jargon Blitz’ with a ‘Veiled Question’: Explain the traditional meaning of a tarot card, “the five of swords indicates a struggle in the affairs of the heart”. Then make a statement about the client’s life, “I sense your personal goals are taking priority over romance at this time”. Follow this with, “is this making sense to you?” If it is, you’ve got a hit. If not, they give you more information about their lives without realising that you have asked them a question.
    2. ‘Vanishing Negative: State a negative question with ambiguous tone and phrasing, such as, “you don’t work with kids, do you?”. It can be a hit whether they agree or disagree, as the negative part of the question vanishes if they say they do work with kids — “yes, I thought so. A strong affinity with children is indicated….”

    Elements about character:

    1. ‘Rainbow Ruse’: Credit the client with both a personality trait and its opposite: “sometimes you are very outgoing and confident, even the life of the party when the mood strikes you, and yet there are other times when you can retreat into your shell, preferring to keep quiet or distance yourself from others.” It sounds perceptive but covers the whole scope of the personality trait.
    2. ‘Jacques Statement’: Depending on their stage of life, talk about the usual crises that tend to occur around their age. Rowland shares his one for someone in their mid-thirties to early forties: “if you are honest about it, you often get to wondering about what happened to all those dreams you had when you were younger, and all those wonderful ambitions you once held dear. I suspect that deep down, there is a part of you that sometimes wants to scrap everything, get out of the rut, and start again, but this time do things YOUR way.”

    Elements about facts and events:

    1. ‘Fuzzy Fact’: Ask them a factual statement that is quite likely to be accepted initially and leaves space to become something more specific with additional prompting. For example, you can relate it to geography (“I see a connection with Europe, possibly Britain, or it could be the warmer Mediterranean part”). Or medical (“the gentleman with me now is telling me about a problem around the chest area”). It could also be an event (“There’s an indication here of a career in progress or transition. This could be your career, or it could be someone else’s career that affects you”).
    2. ‘Good chance guesses’: Ask a question that has a higher chance of being accurate than the other person would think, such as “I see a house with the number 2” or “I see a blue car”. If they lived in a house with a #2 or owned a blue car once, it’s a hit. If not, it could be someone close to them or someone they knew, or even a neighbour, which makes it unlikely to be wrong.
    3. Trivia stat: Most people have a box of old photos around their house that haven’t been sorted, or medical supplies that are years out of date, or a key that is now redundant, or books associated with an old hobby or interest. Most people will have had a scar on their left knee, been involved in some childhood accident that included water, have an item of clothing in their wardrobe that they can no longer fit into, and tried to learn a musical instrument as a child that they later gave up. Of course, people are not likely to realise how common these traits’ are, so they are also good chance guesses.

    Elements about the future:

    1. ‘Pollyanna Pearls’: State that whatever has been difficult lately is likely to improve: “It’s been a bit of a bumpy ride romantically these last few years for you, but the next year or so will be a lot easier!”
    2. ‘Self-fulfilling Predictions’: When making predictions about mood or personality, these have the bonus of potentially becoming self-fulfilling: “You will begin to adopt a more confident and optimistic disposition. You will let go of old regrets and start being more compassionate to yourself and others. You will soon have a greater sense of connection and belonging with others!”
    3. ‘Unverifiable Predictions: These can never be verified either way, so no chance of them being wrong. Here is Rowland’s example again: “Someone you know will harbour a secret grudge against you. They will plan to put obstacles in your way, but you will overcome their plans without even realising it.”

    I’ve shared my ten favourite elements with you, but there are still another 28 in ‘The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading’. Check it out if you are interested in learning more about the persuasion techniques typically employed in the psychic industry.

    Conclusion

    Some people may be able to convince you that they can read your mind. But from my experience in life so far, I have never come across any substantial scientific evidence that suggests that this is the case.

    The truth is that to understand and help people, I have to rely on how they present in session with me and what they say to me and how they say it. Communication with their partner, family members, friends or other treating doctors can also help at times (if the client consents to this).

    If you see a psychologist, please do not assume that they can read your mind. If you’d like to speak about something, make sure that you say it. It is especially true if the session isn’t going how you want it to, if you are uncomfortable, or if the treatment isn’t as helpful as you’d like it to be.

    I do not doubt that a client could successfully withhold or deceive me if they wanted to. Still, all this would do is create a barrier in the therapeutic relationship that would then prevent me from being able to help them in the best way possible.

    Many people assume that others should know what they need and how to give it to them. But if both psychologists and psychics can’t even read your mind, then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to either. So the reality is that it is okay to ask for what you need and to teach others to support you in the ways that you find most helpful.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • How to Be Useful to Others, Get Rich, Like People, and Thrive in an Unknowable Future

    How to Be Useful to Others, Get Rich, Like People, and Thrive in an Unknowable Future

    Derek Sivers seems like a pretty cool guy. On his website, he calls himself a musician, producer, circus performer, entrepreneur, TED speaker, and book publisher. He started a company called CDBaby and made millions from this. He then gave the company to charity, resulting in millions of dollars subsequently being used to help up-and-coming musical artists who need some monetary support to try and realise their dreams.

    Sivers also reads a lot of non-fiction books that are focused on psychology, self-help and self-improvement. He has little reviews of these books on his website and gives them a score out of 10, which is great if you are in need of a recommendation of what to read.

    In 2016, Sivers tried to summarise all of the key points that he obtained from reading so many non-fiction books. These key points were put into “do this” directives for him as a personal guide to various aspects of life. The directives were first brought to the public’s attention in his episode of the hugely popular ‘Tim Ferriss Show’ podcast. Because of the demand for the remainder of these lists, they were shared on Derek’s website sivers.org. He also plans on doing more with these directives in the future, including potentially writing his own book.

    Below are his directives, as well as my opinion of them. Directives that I completely agree with will be in green. Directives that I disagree with or that go against scientific research will be in red.

    group hand fist bump

    How to be useful to others:

    Get famous

    • Do everything in public and for the public.
    • The more people you reach, the more useful you are.
    • The opposite is hiding, which is of no use to everyone.

    Get rich

    • Money is neutral proof you’re adding value to people’s lives.
    • So, by getting rich, you’re being useful as a side effect.
    • Once rich, spend the money in ways that are even more useful to others.
    • Then, getting rich is double useful.

    Share strong opinions

    • Strong opinions are very useful to others.
    • Those who were undecided or ambivalent can just adopt your stance.
    • But those who disagree can solidify their stance by arguing against yours.

    Be expensive

    • People given a placebo pill were twice as likely to have their pain disappear when told the pill was expensive.
    • People who paid more for tickets were more likely to attend the performance.
    • People who spend more for a product or service value it more, and get more use out of it.

    people taking group photo

    WHAT I THINK: While there are a lot of famous and rich people who are useful to other people, there are many others who are not. What is true is that if you are famous and rich, you have the potential to have more influence on others and do more positive things, such as Bill and Melinda Gates. You also have the potential to negatively influence more people too, such as Donald Trump. What you do with that power and exposure is up to you.

    You can also make a difference to others without being rich or famous. Don’t underestimate the difference you can make as a teacher or coach or parent or volunteer or community member or any other role where you interact with others on a regular basis. If you charge more, people will value your services more, you will earn more money and then have a greater chance to be useful to others.

    Do try to be informed before sharing your opinions publicly. Look at all the damage Jenny McCarthy did by sharing her opinions on vaccines and autism.

    achievement-bar-business-chart-40140.jpeg

    How to get rich:

    Live where luck strikes

    • Live where everything is happening.
    • Live where the money is flowing.
    • Live where careers are being made.
    • Live where your role models live.
    • Once there, be as in the game as anyone can be.
    • Be right in the middle of everything.

    Say yes to everything

    • Meet everyone.
    • Pursue every opportunity.
    • Nothing is too small. Do it all.
    • Like lottery tickets, you never know which one will win. So the more, the better.
    • Follow-up and keep in touch with everyone.

    Learn the multiplying skills

    • Speaking, writing, psychology, design, conversation, 2nd language, persuasion, programming, meditation/focus.
    • Not pursued on their own, they’re skills that multiply the success of your main pursuit (e.g., A pilot who’s also a great writer and public speaker; A chef with a mastery of psychology, persuasion and design).
    • These skills multiply the results of your efforts, and give you an edge over others in your field.

    Pursue market value, not personal value

    • Do what pays well.
    • Do not be the starving artist, working on things that have great personal value to you, but little market value.
    • Follow the money. It tells you where you’re most valuable.
    • Don’t try to make a career out of everything you love. For example, sex.

    Shamelessly imitate success

    • Imitate the best strategies of your competitors.
    • The market doesn’t care about your personal need to be unique.
    • It’s selfless and humble to use the best ideas regardless of source, to create the best service or product for your clients.
    • Get great at executing other people’s ideas as well as your own.

    Be the owner, not just the inventor

    • It’s tempting to try to be the ideas person, having someone else do the dirty work of making those ideas happen.
    • Ideas don’t make you rich. Great execution of ideas does.
    • A rule of capitalism: whoever takes the most financial risk gets the rewards.
    • The biggest rewards will always go to those that fund it and own it.
    • To get rich, be the owner. Own as close to 100% as possible.

    Benefit from human nature

    • Instead of complaining about the downside of human nature, find ways to benefit from it.
    • Instead of complaining about the rules, just learn the game, then play it.

    bitcoins and u s dollar bills

    WHAT I THINK: To get rich, it is important to know how humans think and act, and to find ways to benefit from this instead of wishing for things to be different. It is useful to see what has worked for others, to learn how to do things in this way first, and then to adapt the best things so that what you are doing is authentically yours. It is important to try to own the product or service you are trying to sell. If you don’t do this, your earning potential will always be capped and will generally always be less than your bosses.

    While it is true that people need to be willing to spend money in order to make money, it’s not just about taking financial risks. There are many broke people out there who have spent too much on bad ideas. Figure out how to test your ideas or products first to see how the market responds before investing too much in it, and don’t be afraid to make changes or start over again if a better opportunity presents itself. Ideally we aren’t just doing something for the money. If we love it, are good at it and it makes a lot, you will be much happier than doing something just because you know that it pays well.

    While it is true that we don’t know which opportunities will necessarily work out, we also can’t make much progress if we are saying yes to everyone and everything. Meet and connect with the right people who are not just out for themselves until you find a great idea. Then pursue this project for a set period until you know if it is likely to make you rich or not. If not, jump ship as soon as you realise it and keep brainstorming and connecting and saying yes until you find your next great idea. Once you have this, learning how to prioritise and say no may be even more important than always saying yes. Same with being in the middle of everything. It’s good until you know which path you want to go down. Once you know, distance from others can be just as good until an idea has been executed.

    The last bit of advice that isn’t here is don’t gamble or invest in get rich quick schemes. Use debit cards instead of credit cards. Don’t buy the most expensive insurance options. Do invest in index funds and other trustworthy stocks regularly and as early as you can and don’t change them around too much. Compounding interest will help you to gain a lot of money over time. But having heaps of money beyond what you need to meet your basic needs isn’t likely to make you a lot happier in the long run.

    flight technology tools astronaut

    How to thrive in an unknowable future:

    Prepare for the worst

    • Since you have no idea what the future may bring, be open to the best and the worst.
    • But the best case scenario doesn’t need your preparation or your attention.
    • So mentally and financially prepare for the worst case, instead.
    • Like insurance, don’t obsess on it. Just prepare, then carry on appreciating the good times.

    Expect disaster

    • Every biography of a successful person has that line, “And then, things took a turn for the worse.”
    • Fully expect that disaster to come to you at any time.
    • Completely assume it’s going to happen, and make your plans accordingly.
    • Not just money, but health, family, freedom. Expect it all to disappear.
    • Besides, you appreciate things more when you know this may be your last time seeing them.

    Own as little as possible

    • Depend on even less.
    • The less you own, the less you’re affected by disaster.

    Choose opportunity, not loyalty

    • Have no loyalty to location, corporation, or your past public statements.
    • Be an absolute opportunist, doing whatever is best for the future in the current situation, unbound by the past.
    • Have loyalty for only your most important human relationships.

    Choose the plan with the most options

    • The best plan is the one that lets you change your plans.
    • Example: renting a house is buying the option to move at any time without losing money in a changing market.

    Avoid planning

    • For maximum options, don’t plan at all.
    • Since you have no idea how the situation or your mood may change in the future, wait until the last moment to make each decision.

    aerial view of city with lights during night

    WHAT I THINK: It’s good to be creative, flexible, adaptable and open to change. These characteristics will become even more important in the future, because change is likely to continue to happen at an even faster and faster pace. People back in the 14th century kind of knew what to expect by the 15th century, but most people living now have no idea what life is likely to look like in the 22nd century. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t plan, and it definitely doesn’t mean that we should only plan for the worst. Life has continued to get better and better in so many ways, and it is likely to continue to get better in many ways too. It doesn’t mean it can’t get worse, but we shouldn’t all become doomsday preppers or not buy anything in case disaster strikes. Try to only buy the things you need that will help add value to your life.

    Especially if you have kids, stability is good, so don’t be afraid to set up roots. Buy a house, start a business where you live, and develop friendships with other people in your neighbourhood. Some people may leave, businesses may collapse, marriages may crumble, but research still indicates that people have more satisfied relationships if they get married than if they live together but don’t get married. Married men are also both happier and healthier than single men. Divorce negatively impacts kids, especially if there is a lot of conflict, and learning how to overcome difficulties is better than always avoiding things or running away as soon as things get tough or another seemingly desirable option presents itself. We always think the grass is greener on the other side, but when we get there it’s often not as shiny or as different as we first thought (or better than we’ve previously had).

    Essentially, having plans and making commitments is better than having none, as long as you are also open to making tweaks and even big changes if things really aren’t working out. Research indicates that having too many options makes it too hard to choose and not making a decision can be really stressful and both physically and emotionally draining. Research also indicates that we tend to become happier with our choices over time once we have made them, as long as we commit to our choices and don’t keep trying to doubt ourselves or leave all the other doors open too.

    four women standing on mountain

    How to like people:

    Assume it’s their last day

    • Everyone talks about living like it’s your last day on earth.
    • Instead, to appreciate someone, live like it’s their last day on earth.
    • Treat them accordingly. Try to fulfill their dreams for the day.
    • Really listen to them. Learn from them.

    Be who’d you’d be when alone

    • You could live in a crowd, pleasing only others.
    • You could live in solitude, pleasing only yourself.
    • But ideally, when in a crowd, be the same person you’d be when alone.

    Assume men and women are the same

    • Men think women are so different from them.
    • Women think men are so different from them.
    • But the differences among men and differences among women are far greater than the differences between men and women.
    • So, counteract your tendency to exaggerate the differences.

    Always make new friends

    • As you grow old and change, old friends and family will be unintentionally invested in maintaining you as you were before.
    • Let go of people that don’t welcome and encourage your change.

    Avoid harming the relationship

    • For long-term relationship success, it’s more effective than seeking the positive.
    • A friendship that may take years to develop can be ruined by a single action.

    Act calm and kind

    • Regardless of how you feel

    Don’t try to change them

    • unless they asked you to.
    • Don’t teach a lesson.
    • Stop trying to change people who don’t think they have a problem.

    Find wisdom in your opponents

    • Really engage with those who think opposite of you.
    • You already know the ideas common on your own side.

    Purge the vampires

    • Get rid of people that drain you, that don’t make you feel good about yourself.
    • They make you hate all people.

    men s white button up dress shirt

    WHAT I THINK: It is great to really try to appreciate others, and understanding that some people may die soon is a helpful way to ensure that we don’t take others for granted. The Tail End by Tim Urban is an awesome blog post that nicely highlights how little time we actually have left with the important people in our lives. We should try to make the most of our time with them while we still have it so we don’t regret it later.

    We can learn a lot from others if we ask them about their life and experiences and beliefs and really listen, even if they have different ways of looking at things to us. But we shouldn’t try to give advice or teach lessons to others unless someone has asked or agreed to it first (or they’re reading your blog post!).

    While it is good to minimise how much time we spend with people that drain us or make us feel bad or don’t accept us for who we are, it is also important to try and maintain our old friendships too. Having both old friends and family to keep us grounded and new friends to help us learn and grow is having the best of both worlds.

    Men and women are different in some ways, and it is important to understand how and why. Of course we should still see each other as individuals and not just a gender, but this is the same with people who come from a different culture, ethnicity, nationality, religion and any other group that is different to yours. If we can understand group norms, it can help us to understand others a little bit better, but we should also be willing to change our perceptions of others based on what they say and do, rather than hold onto rigid, unhelpful or even discriminatory stereotypes.

    While it’s not possible to always be 100% ourselves around others, the more authentic we can be the more we will feel energised around others and connected with them. Similarly, we shouldn’t always act calm if we really are upset or angry or worried and need to express our feelings or what we need. What we can do is express this in a way that is still kind and considerate so that you don’t unnecessarily burn any bridges.

    Thanks for reading! For more advice on a good life, feel free to check out some of my other articles, especially: Can We Develop Our Own Guide to Better Living?; 10 Bits of Advice I’d Give My 10-Year-Old Self; Ten Traits of Highly Successful People; 25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • 20 Fascinating Paradoxes About Life

    20 Fascinating Paradoxes About Life

    What is a Paradox?

    According to the Oxford dictionary, a paradox is a noun that has two meanings:

    1. A seemingly absurd or contradictory statement or proposition which when investigated may prove to be well founded or true.

    2. A person or thing that combines contradictory features or qualities.

    I love paradoxes because they are sometimes funny and usually also quite insightful. Listening to the audiobook version of the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu was like listening to one paradox after another. This was especially surprising to me because it is an ancient book of wisdom. So a great paradox is much more than just a cliche, even though it can appear like that over time.

    Below is a list of some of my favourites, starting with one from the Tao Te Ching:

    1. “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings” – Lao Tzu

    young game match kids

    2. “Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

    man wearing brown suit jacket mocking on white telephone

    3. “I’d rather be hated for who I am, than be loved for who I am not” – Kurt Cobain

    hi haters scrabble tiles on white surface

    4. “I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member.” – Groucho Marx

    black steel welcome hanging signage

    5. “You know what the issue is with this world? Everyone wants a magical solution to their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic.” – Alice in Wonderland

    woman holding teacup

    6. “I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.” – Socrates

    man wearing brown jacket and using grey laptop

    7. “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

    adventure cliff lookout people

    8. “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviours.” – Stephen Covey

    man in blue crew neck shirt staring at woman trying to lift barbell

    9. “If you don’t risk anything you risk everything.” – Mark Zuckerberg

    action adventure challenge climb

    10. “The more we do, the more we can do; the more busy we are, the more leisure we have.” – William Hazlitt

    man and woman holding hands walking on seashore during sunrise

    11. “Only you can take responsibility for your happiness…but you can’t do it alone. It’s the great paradox of being human.” – Simon Sinek

    group hand fist bump

    12. “If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

    man person street shoes

    13. “Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.” – Frank Herbert

    red and blue hot air balloon floating on air on body of water during night time

    14. “Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.” – Oscar Wilde

    active activity adventure backpack

    15. “Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.” ―Mahatma Gandhi

    man person mountain hiker

    16. “He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.”― Michel de Montaigne

    close up photo of jack o lantern

    17. “A lot of people never use their initiative because no-one told them to.” – Banksy

    microphotography of orange and blue house miniature on brown snail s back

    18. “If someone doesn’t value evidence, what evidence are you going to provide to prove that they should value it? If someone doesn’t value logic, what logical argument could you provide to show the importance of logic?” ― Sam Harris

    battle black blur board game

    19. “Let go of certainty. The opposite isn’t uncertainty. It’s openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.” ― Tony Schwartz

    two men assisting woman riding on swing

    20. “If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold onto it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.” – Socrates

    bench cold dawn environment

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • What Values Do You Try to Live Your Life By?

    What Values Do You Try to Live Your Life By?

    Values are guiding principles for our lives that are endless pursuits. We cannot achieve a value in the same way we can accomplish a goal. However, at any point in time, you can connect with them, act in accordance to them, and receive the vitality, energy, improved self-worth, greater emotional well-being and happiness that are often the result of living consistently with our values.

    To figure out your most important values, first write if each value in the list below is very important to you (V), quite important to you (Q), or not important to you (N).

    It is essential that we choose the values that feel right to us, rather than pick the values that we think our parents or society might want us to follow.

    Then, for only your very important values, score from (0-10) how much you have been living according to this value over the past month, with:

    0 = not following this value over the past month,

    1 – 3 = following this value occasionally,

    4 – 6 = following this value sometimes,

    7 – 9 = following this value often, and

    10 = always living by this value.

    VALUES LIST

    1. Connecting with Nature: Importance of value to you (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency with value if it is very important to you (0-10?) = _________
    2. Gaining wisdom: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    3. Creating beauty (in any domain, including arts, dancing, gardening): Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    4. Promoting justice and caring for the weak: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    5. Being loyal to friends, family and/or my group: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    6. Being Honest: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    7. Helping others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    8. Being sexually desirable: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ________
    9. Having genuine and close friends: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = _____
    10. Having relationships involving love and affection: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    11. Being ambitious and hard working: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ____
    12. Being competent and effective: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    13. Having a sense of accomplishment and making a lasting contribution: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    14. Having an exciting life: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    15. Having a life filled with adventure: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    16. Having a life filled with novelty and change: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    17. Being physically fit: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    18. Eating healthy food: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    19. Engaging in sporting activities: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    20. Acting consistently with my religious faith and beliefs: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    21. Being at one with God: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    22. Showing respect for tradition: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = _____
    23. Being self-disciplined and resisting temptation: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    24. Showing respect to parents and elders: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) =____
    25. Meeting my obligations: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    26. Maintaining the safety and security of my loved ones: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    27. Making sure to repay favours and not be indebted to people: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    28. Being safe from danger: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) = _______
    29. Being wealthy: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    30. Having authority, being in charge: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ____
    31. Having influence over other people: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ____
    32. Having an enjoyable, leisurely life: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ____
    33. Enjoying food and drink: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    34. Being sexually active: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    35. Being creative: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    36. Being self-sufficient: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    37. Being curious, discovering new things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    38. Figuring things out, solving problems: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) =______
    39. Striving to be a better person: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    40. Experiencing positive mood states: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    41. Feeling good about myself: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _______, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    42. Leading a stress-free life: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _______, Consistency (0-10?) = _______
    43. Enjoying music, art or drama: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    44. Designing things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    45. Teaching others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    46. Resolving disputes: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    47. Building and repairing things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    48. Working with my hands: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    49. Organising things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    50. Engaging in clearly defined work: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) =_____
    51. Researching things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    52. Competing with others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _______
    53. Being admired by many people: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = _____
    54. Acting with courage: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    55. Caring for others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    56. Accepting others as they are: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = _______
    57. Working on practical tasks: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ________
    58. Seeking pleasure: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    59. Avoiding distress: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    60. Avoiding self-doubt: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________

    It will be difficult/impossible to always live by all of our very important values, because some values will come into conflict with each other. However, if you are have scored it a 5 or below in your consistency rating, then try to set a goal for the next month of how you can live more consistently with this value.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

    PLEASE NOTE: These value descriptions were taken from a values cards exercise that I did during my doctoral degree. I am not sure who developed it, but will happily give credit to them if anyone can let me know who did.