What are shame and guilt?

Neuropsychologist Dr Harvey Jones and I discuss shame and guilt and how to manage these tough emotions in our latest podcast.

The fascinating and comprehensive book ‘Shame and Guilt’ by June Tangney and Ronda Dearing describe shame and guilt as universal human emotions that are functionally important at both an individual and a relationship level.

Features shared by shame and guilt (Tangney & Dearing, 2002):

Shame and guilt are both very private and personal emotions. They are predominantly internal experiences that are more difficult to observe or measure than other universal emotions, such as anger, sadness or joy.

Yet, they are also social emotions, in that these emotions develop during interpersonal interactions with our family and those closest to us.

Both shame and guilt can be classed as “moral” emotions in that our experience of them can hopefully propel us to act more morally.

They are both closely linked with how we see ourselves about others. They continue to profoundly influence our behaviour in interpersonal situations throughout our lives, especially in contexts involving perceived transgressions, mistakes or moral failures.

Shame and guilt both involve becoming self-conscious following a personal transgression and evaluating our behaviour about our perceived self, familial and societal norms. Based on this evaluation and what we internally attribute the violation to, we judge our behaviour and potentially internal sanctions towards ourselves if we deem the behaviour morally or socially unacceptable.

Although Philosophers and Psychoanalysts have been theorising about shame and guilt for over a century, it is only really since the late 1980s that Psychologists have begun to systematically research and examine the nature of shame and guilt and the implications that these emotions and experiences have. Unfortunately, as well as being difficult to observe directly, many people tend not to have a clear understanding of the differences between shame and guilt.

Features where shame and guilt differ (Tangney & Dearing, 2002):

Focus of evaluation

• With shame, the focus of the evaluation is on the global self (e.g., “I am horrible!”)
• With guilt, the focus of the evaluation is on the specific behaviour (e.g., “What I did was horrible!”)

Degree of distress

• With shame, the degree of distress is generally much higher than with guilt, with more significant pain.
• With guilt, the degree of distress is generally much lower than with shame, with less pain.

Phenomenological experience

• With shame, people tend to shrink and feel worthless, powerless and small
• With guilt, people tend to feel tense, remorseful, and regretful

Operation of “self.”

• With shame, the self becomes split into an “observing self” and an “observer self.”
• With guilt, a unified self remains intact

Impact on “self.”

• With shame, the self becomes impaired by a global devaluation (because of the focus of evaluation on the self)
• With guilt, the self is unimpaired by a global devaluation (because the focus of the evaluation is on the specific behaviour)

Concern vis-a-vis the “other.”

• With shame, one becomes concerned with an internalised others’ evaluation of the self.
• With guilt, one becomes concerned with the effect that their specific behaviour has had on others.

Counterfactual processes

• With shame, one tries to mentally undo the undesirable aspects of the self that have become apparent through denial, defensiveness, blaming others or aggression.
• With guilt, one tries to mentally undo the undesirable aspects of their behaviour through being moral, caring, socially responsible and constructive.

Motivational features

• With shame, the desire is to hide, escape, or strike back
• With guilt, the desire is to confess, apologise, or repair

How to measure Shame and Guilt

I challenge you to take the Test of Self-Conscious Affect (TOSCA Version 3) to determine if you are more prone to shame, guilt or blaming others across work and social situations.

When I took it, my results were:

“I seldom blame others.”

“I use guilt self-talk an average amount.”

and

“I use shame self-talk an average amount.”

It was nice to see that I do not blame others when I realise that I have made a mistake and am often accountable and responsible for my actions. However, it does seem that I tend to punish myself too much following a transgression. But what do these findings mean for real life?

The TOSCA has been used widely in studies on shame and guilt since 1989. It defines guilt as a more adaptive response to a situation where the focus is on the desire to repair or right the specific wrong caused. Conversely, shame is a less adaptive response where the attention is on a global negative self-evaluation without any reparation generally being taken.

Research Findings on Shame and Guilt

Research findings using the TOSCA have found that “Shame and guilt have important and quite different implications for interpersonal relationships.” For example, based on 12 years of research, Tangney and Dearing (2002) have found that:

Individuals who are prone to shame:

• They are more likely to blame others for adverse events through humiliating others, bullying, and violence.
• They are more likely to experience bitterness, resentment and a seething kind of anger and hostility towards others and the world. They are also inclined to express their anger in aggressive and non-constructive ways, particularly in close interpersonal relationships. The shame-anger dynamic may help explain what occurs in many domestic violence incidents.
• They are less likely to be empathetic, as the global self-focus of shame impedes sensitivity and impairs connection.
• They are more likely to be vulnerable to a range of psychological difficulties through internalising the shame, including depression, low self-worth, self-loathing, eating disorders, and addiction.
• They are more likely to be suspended from high school, use illicit drugs, engage in unsafe sex practices, abuse their spouses and attempt suicide (when individuals were first assessed in fifth grade and then followed up on years later).

Individuals who are prone to guilt:

• They are more likely to understand, empathise and connect with others.
• They are more likely to accept responsibility for their transgressions.
• They are less likely to be angry, hostile and aggressive. Conversely, people who feel guilty and angry are more likely to express what they feel assertively and constructively.
• They are less likely to experience psychopathology as long as the guilt is “shame-free.”
• They are more likely to apply to college, engage in community service, begin drinking alcohol at a later age, and use birth control (when individuals were first assessed in fifth grade and then followed up on years later). They were also less likely to try heroin, drive while intoxicated, and be arrested or convicted of a crime.

Is guilt always a helpful emotion?

No. Two maladaptive forms of guilt (Kim, Thibodeau & Jorgensen, 2011) have been correlated with depressive symptoms to a similar degree to what shame is. These are contextual-maladaptive guilt, which involves an “exaggerated responsibility for uncontrollable events,” and generalised guilt, which involves “free-floating guilt that is unrelated to any specific context” (Kim, Thibodeau & Jorgensen, 2011). This excessive or inappropriate guilt would not be helpful to experience regularly.

What Can We Do?

A. Manage guilt effectively

With guilt, the steps for dealing with the emotion are pretty straightforward:

1. Has a transgression occurred where you have not lived up to your own (or an internalised other’s) moral standards?
2. Can you make up for this transgression in any way?

• By taking responsibility for your action?
• By fixing the mistake and cleaning up the mess?
• By genuinely apologising and showing remorse for your actions?
• By understanding and empathising with the person if you hurt them?

3. How can you learn from the mistake so that you are less likely to repeat the same transgression in the future?

4. What plan can you put in place so that you are less likely to repeat the same transgression in the future?

If you feel guilty for having a particular thought, please understand that we cannot control what ideas pop into our consciousness. What we can control is how we interpret or respond to the ideas that do arise. Considering that we have at least 10,000 thoughts a day, it is implausible that all of these thoughts will be positive, happy, kind, pro-social thoughts.

No transgression has occurred if it is just a thought, and there is no need to feel guilty, no matter how antisocial, nasty, sinful or taboo these thoughts may seem. A court of law can never charge you for impure thoughts. You do not need to put yourselves on trial either. Even psychologically healthy people have weird or unsettling ideas, as evidenced by this list of common intrusive thoughts (Purdon & Clark, 1992). Our actions define our character and how others see us, not our internal monologue. The above steps only need to be worked through when your efforts do not live up to the person you would like to be.

Once you have worked through these steps, there are no additional benefits that you can achieve by continuing to feel guilty, punishing yourself for your transgression, or not forgiving yourself for your actions. Everyone makes mistakes. We must utilise guilt as an indicator that we have not been living consistently with our most important values and then practice these steps to get back on track.

If you continue to feel guilty after this, try to accept your feelings and make room for the emotional experience. Then try to change your focus to whatever is most important to you in the present moment. For example, it could be the sport or computer game you are playing or connecting with others if you are out socialising. By asking yourself, “What’s Most Important Right Now?” it becomes a lot easier to get out of a cycle of ruminating about what you have done and feeling guilty for it.

B. Encourage parents, teachers, bosses, managers, coaches, and mentors to help others to learn from their behavioural mistakes so that they can improve and maintain a positive sense of self, rather than criticising who they are or shaming them for doing something wrong

We must educate people in these roles about the differences between shame and guilt and let them know that even if using shame seems to be effective in changing behaviour in the short term, it can have devastating long-term consequences. It can damage your relationship with the person and their mental health and behaviour.

Shaming children is especially dangerous and shows them that their love, worth and approval is conditional. As a result of being shamed, children will eventually give up, become rebellious, try to be perfect, or subjugate their own needs and please others to maintain their fragile sense of being loveable, good enough or worthy.

Once people become knowledgeable about focusing on the specific behaviour rather than the person as a whole, it can enhance their sensitivity and effectiveness in all relationships.

C. Develop a Growth Mindset

I have previously spoken about mindsets, as researched by Carol Dweck. When examining the difference between shame and guilt, I noticed the similarities between shame and a fixed mindset and guilt and a growth mindset.

Both guilt and a growth mindset are focused on improving following setbacks, rather than remaining stuck, giving up or blaming someone else for your shortcomings. In addition, research indicates that you can cultivate a growth mindset over time.

The similarities between guilt and a growth mindset suggest that it is also possible to change from being more shame-prone to being more guilt-prone. As you become more guilt-prone, you will begin to learn from your experiences and continue to grow without being held back by the transgressions that you have made in the past.

D. Embrace your imperfections, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and share your feelings of shame with those that have earned the right to hear your story

In “The Gifts of Imperfection’, Brene Brown defines shame as the following:

“shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

Brene Brown

Brene has found that shame needs the three ingredients of secrecy, silence, and judgment for it to grow and spiral out of control in our lives. She also believes that we all experience shame to some degree and that even though we are afraid to talk about what we are ashamed of, it is actually by talking about our shame that we are least likely to be controlled by it.

“If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way — especially shame, fear and vulnerability”

Brene Brown

How to become more shame Resilient (Brown, 2010):

1. Understand shame.
2. Recognise what triggers shame for you, both externally (e.g., other people’s critical messages) and internally (e.g., your unrealistic expectations).
3. Check to see if these criticisms or expectations are realistic or accurate.
4. Realise that being imperfect does not mean the same as being inadequate or unworthy of love.
5. Reach out to people who have earned the right to hear your shame experiences.
6. Talk about what makes you feel ashamed and whatever else you may be feeling about the experience.
7. Ask for the type of support that you need from them. It could be some kind words or reassurance. It could be something they can do for you (even if it is turn up and listen). It could be some hand-holding, back rubbing, or a hug. Or it could be some quality time, something to cheer you up, or a fun outing to help you change focus and move on.

Once our previously shameful experiences are out in the open, we begin to own our story and realise that we are loveable and worthy, just the way we are. Although it is easier to experience this if our closest relationships provide us with unconditional acceptance, love, and belonging, we only need one person we can open to for shame to reduce and improve. If there is no one in your life that you would feel comfortable talking to about your shame, then a psychologist you feel safe with can help.

Dr Damon Ashworth

Clinical Psychologist