Damon Ashworth Psychology

Tag: Happiness

  • 7 Life Lessons That We Can Learn From Hollywood Movies

    7 Life Lessons That We Can Learn From Hollywood Movies

    I recently read a book titled ‘Writing Screenplays that Sell’ by Michael Hauge and was fascinated to see how psychologically informed screenwriters create engaging stories with meaningful plots and entertaining characters.

    Although Hollywood sometimes gets bad press for promoting materialistic and unrealistic goals for the audience, I do believe that we can learn some valuable life lessons from dissecting the common elements of screenplays that result in successful movies.

    Here are eight insights that I believe are important:

    #1 — Be the hero of your story

    Every movie has a hero that we identify with and develop empathy for. Screenwriters do this deliberately because we are likely to care more about the story and become involved in the movie if it focuses on one character and their perspective and challenges more than the other characters.

    In real life, the person whose perspective we can most tune into is ourselves, and we feel the emotional impact of our experiences whether we like it or not (even though many people try to tune these out). It, therefore, makes a lot of sense to ensure that we are the hero of our own life.

    Unless you believe in reincarnation, we only have one life. Once we become adults, no one else is entirely responsible for our life’s direction except for us. We are the screenwriters, directors and the main character in our story — unless we give that power up to somebody else. It is a scary thought but also a potentially liberating one.

    Although there are limitations to our abilities and dreams, and it is essential to have realistic expectations, I see too many people that put up roadblocks and barriers where they don’t need to be.

    So if we are free to do what we want with our lives and responsible for how they turn out, what do we want to do? Live the life that someone else expects of us or follow our dreams and hopefully achieve our goals.

    #2 — Challenge yourself if you would like to grow

    Screenwriters are taught that a movie should start slowly and build pace as the film progresses by increasing the magnitude and difficulty of challenges that the hero faces until the film’s climax. A resolution is then typically achieved, and all of the loose ends are tied up before the movie concludes with the hero being a much better person than they were at the beginning of the film. It is from overcoming bigger and bigger adversity throughout the film that the hero develops and grows. Without challenges or difficulties to master, this growth and character development would be impossible, and people would find the movie dull.

    In real life, I see a lot of clients who want a life free of challenges. They strive for a life of inner peace without stress or anxiety and believe that they can achieve this by consistently remaining in their comfort zone. So they do the same thing each day, don’t take any risks, and generally feel okay. A lot of them will tell you that something is missing, however.

    We need to push beyond what feels comfortable to grow, and with this comes a certain amount of stress and anxiety. However, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing and can be a good indication that you are sufficiently challenging yourself so long as you are not feeling overwhelmed. Just remember to start small with tasks that feel a little scary but are also achievable, and as you build up confidence, move on to more significant challenges. As long as the challenges are consistent with changes that you would like to bring about in your life, you will feel more energetic and alive than you ever could by remaining in your comfort zone, even if you fail.

    “The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.”

    Rainer Maria Rilke

    #3 — Conflict leads to more intense emotional experiences

    Screenwriters learn to create conflict in every scene where possible, usually by having two characters with different views and objectives. Conflict creates emotional involvement far more than general exposition ever could, leading to a more engaged audience.

    In real life, especially in relationships, this isn’t always a good thing. We might feel a more significant attraction or more intense emotional experience with someone who is opposed to us in what they want. I see it often when individuals who are anxiously attached (like being close to their partner and worry when they are apart) end up in relationships with avoidantly attached individuals (like their independence and feel trapped if they are too close). Each time it leads to an emotional rollercoaster ride, with lots of conflicts, big ups and downs, and greater emotional involvement. It keeps both parties occupied and interested but will do more harm than good in the end.

    Finding someone who wants the same things that we do may be less exciting initially but can also lead to greater satisfaction and well-being in the long run. Be aware of the emotional trap, and use your head and heart when determining if a relationship is suitable for you.

    #4 — Have clearly defined goals

    All heroes will have the primary goal or external motivation that they will pursue throughout the film. Screenwriters want the audience to cheer on the hero as they strive towards their dream. For example, it may be to escape from or kill the bad guy in a horror movie. In a heist movie, it may be to steal the money and get away with it. In a romantic comedy, it is to win the affection of the love interest. A coming of age story is to learn something, and in a sports movie, it is to win.

    In real life, it is essential to think of the big picture at times and ask yourself where you would like to be in 1, 2, 5, 10 and 20 years from now? How would you want to be spending your days? Whether owning a business, buying a house, getting married, having children or running a marathon, these external, observable goals help keep us motivated and focused on our destination or where we would like to see ourselves in the future. Once these goals have been achieved, you can tick them off the list. It then becomes vital to elicit and develop further plans to pursue.

    “Believe big. The size of your success is determined by the size of your belief. Think little goals and expect little achievements. Think big goals and win big success. Remember this too! Big ideas and big plans and often easier — certainly no more difficult — than small ideas and small plans.”

    David Schwartz

    #5 — Understand why you want to achieve these goals — clarify your values

    The movie may not explicitly state it, but a hero will still have an internal motivation or reason for pursuing a dream. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be worth overcoming all of the obstacles they face to achieve the movie’s end goal.

    Two people may want to buy a house or run a marathon, but their reasons for doing so could be completely different. For example, one home buyer may wish for security and a place to call home, whereas the other wants to make their parents and family proud of them (to gain love, approval or acceptance). Likewise, one marathon runner may decide to enter the race to become healthier and lose weight. In contrast, another may do it to spend more time with their friend or partner that loves running (for greater connection or intimacy).

    Values, unlike goals, can never be ticked off the list but are guiding principles that can either be followed or not from moment to moment. For example, if honesty is an essential value to you, you can be honest whenever you tell the truth and dishonest whenever you lie. By living honestly, you will be feeling more fulfilled, and by being dishonest, you will likely feel dissatisfied or guilty. So firstly, clarify which values are most important to you, and then set short, medium and long-term goals that are consistent with the guiding principles you choose.

    “To be truly rich, regardless of his fortune or lack of it, a man must live by his own values. If those values are not personally meaningful, then no amount of money gained can hide the emptiness of life without them.”

    John Paul Getty

    #6 — Have mentors that can help you to achieve your goals

    Screenwriters call these characters reflections, and they are there to help the hero learn and grow along with their journey towards their ultimate goal. This is Robin Williams to Matt Damon in ‘Good Will Hunting’, Mr Miyagi to Daniel-son in ‘The Karate Kid’, and Morgan Freeman in most movies (‘The Shawshank Redemption’, ‘Bruce Almighty’, ‘The Dark Knight’). Mentors usually don’t have a significant character arc because they are already evolved in areas where the hero wants to improve. However, they know what the right thing is and help guide the hero on their path.

    In real life, it is essential to have mentors or people that have done what you would like to do that you can turn to for help when you get stuck, have questions, or need advice. By seeking support through individuals who are more knowledgeable and experienced in the areas you are hoping to build skills, it is possible to learn from their insights and mistakes without repeating them yourself, leading to a more effective learning and growth process. Furthermore, if they can be honest and direct in their feedback of your strengths and weaknesses, they can also help you see the real you and guide you towards what is correct and genuine, even if you don’t exactly want to hear it. Mentors can be friends or relatives or can even be paid for or hired too. It is why people have psychologists, personal trainers and life coaches. It is also why I obtain regular external supervision to keep improving towards becoming the best psychologist that I can be.

    “The way for you to be happy and successful, to get more of the things you really want in life, is to study and emulate those who have already done what you want to do and achieved the results you want to achieve.”

    Brian Tracy

    #7 — It is our actions that define who we become

    In his book ‘Story’, Robert McKee, a famous screenwriter, says that the hero’s character is genuinely revealed not in the scenes when everything is relaxed and calm, but in their choices when the going gets tough. The greater the pressure, the more revealing the scene is of the hero’s essential nature. Notice it is not their intentions or things they may speak about doing earlier in the film, but what they do when it really counts.

    How will you react in the most significant moments in your life? With courage and persistence despite fear or challenge, or with avoidance, excuses or procrastination? With compassion, generosity and respect, or criticalness, selfishness and contempt? Will you talk about all of the great things you want to do or the things that you could have been, or focus on what you can still do and get out there and do it? It doesn’t just have to be big moments either.

    “Don’t wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great”

    Orison Swett Marden

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • 25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life

    25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life

    1. KAIZEN

    A Japanese term meaning “improvement”.

    I think of Kaizen as ‘continuous improvement’ or “continual change for the better, one small step at a time”, as this is how I first heard of the term.

    Many successful Japanese manufacturing companies in automobiles and technology have used this exact approach to obtain massive success over time.

    What could you achieve if you just focused on taking one small step in the right direction today and then another one every day after that?

    2. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE…

    Gandhi did not say, “Be the change you want to see in the world,” even though people attribute this quote to him. What he said was this:

    “We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.”

    Mahatma Gandhi

    3. BE HERE NOW

    If we are fully present in the moment and aware of what is going on both internally and externally, we choose what we decide to do.

    If you do not feel present, meditate, ground yourself, get outside, move and connect with your five senses in the moment and the world around you.

    “Awareness is all about restoring your freedom to choose what you want instead of what your past imposes on you.”

    Deepak Chopra

    4. CHOICES DEFINE YOUR LEGACY

    It is a lengthy process of choices becoming actions, actions becoming habits, and your habits informing your character and ultimate legacy. A Mr Wiseman first said a quote like this in 1856. It tells us that whatever we sow, we must later reap.

    Therefore, it is essential to engage in positive actions before what we do becomes habitual. Gambling, smoking and binge drinking all start as choices. But the more engrained something is, the harder it is to stop. If we choose to engage in healthy activities enough, they too can become automatic for us.

    “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

    Donald Hebb

    5. LIFE WASN’T MEANT TO BE EASY

    We often don’t appreciate things that fall into our lap, and we tend to value things much more when we put in some hard work to get them. Even people who build their own IKEA furniture think these items are worth more than those who do not.

    I know I’d be more proud of the $3 million I built up through hard work than the equivalent amount of money won through a lottery. How about you?

    “Anything in life worth having is worth working for.”

    Andrew Carnegie

    6. THE MAGIC HAPPENS OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE

    “Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”

    Brian Tracy

    So many people want a comfortable life and therefore stick to what feels safe. But, unfortunately, if you are not willing to feel uncomfortable, your life will only get smaller over time.

    When you first step out of your comfort zone, it will be scary; you will feel awkward and even feel unsafe. But is it really, or does it just feel threatening because it is new? If at this moment, you run back to what you are used to, you won’t grow. However, if you persist through the initial pain, it will only get more comfortable in time, and your comfort zone will continue to expand and grow.

    7. RETHINK WHAT IT MEANS TO BE FREE

    What does freedom mean to you?

    You are doing whatever your parents, school, bosses, or government wants you to do? UMM NO. That is called compliance.

    You are rebelling against everything and doing the exact opposite of what your parents, school, bosses and government tell you to do? STILL NO. That is called counterpliance. Your actions are still being defined by what others tell you to do. Plus, it doesn’t always work out too well for you.

    You are just living for the moment and indulging in all of your passions and pleasures whenever you want because YOLO, right? NOPE. Hedonism may feel great for a night but not for a lifetime. It can also have nasty side effects if you aren’t careful, including weight gain, disease, debt, dissatisfaction, and even death.

    True freedom must come from making the choice that is likely to be the best for you in the long term, even if it denies you that last alcoholic drink or dessert or the fun that happens after 2 am. You might want the added snooze time in the mornings, but If you can’t get yourself to do things that are difficult or painful in the short term but beneficial in the long run, you can never honestly be free in the future. As a former NAVY SEAL famously said:

    “Discipline equals freedom.”

    Jocko Willink

    8. GETTING STARTED IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST PART

    “The secret of getting ahead is getting started”

    Mark Twain

    In a book that I once read (the Willpower Instinct, I think), I came across a 10-minute rule that I found surprisingly helpful. If you are not sure if you are up for doing something, give it a go for 10 minutes, and if after 10 minutes you still don’t feel up to it, stop. I tried it a few times by going to the gym, and usually, once I get there and get into it, I’m fine, but my brain often tries to tell me that I am too tired before I go.

    The 10-minute strategy seems to work because it is much easier to get our brains to do something for 10 minutes than for a considerable chunk of time. It is because it requires much less energy when we are forecasting our capacity to do the task. In addition, human brains are cognitive misers, which means they are always trying to “help” by conserving energy. So if you want to get started or you feel tired, think small.

    9. THE FIRST DRAFT OF ANYTHING IS TRASH

    “Don’t get discouraged because there’s a lot of mechanical work to writing. There is, and you can’t get out of it. I rewrote the first part of A Farewell to Arms at least fifty times. You’ve got to work it over. The first draft of anything is shit. When you first start to write you get all the kick and the reader gets none, but after you learn to work it’s your object to convey everything to the reader so that he remembers it not as a story he had read but something that happened to himself.”

    Ernest Hemingway

    This quote is fantastic because people often think they need to produce a masterpiece the first time they try or do something. However, if one of the most famous authors of all time made horrible first drafts, why should we expect more on ours? The solution is to focus on the process, not the outcome, and produce a draft before editing, reviewing, or criticising what you have done.

    10. DON’T PUT THINGS OFF UNTIL LATER

    “If something takes less than 2 minutes to do, don’t write it down or add it to your to do list — do it now.”

    David Allen, Getting Things Done

    Most people have so much stuff to do at any time that it is challenging to ever get their to-do list down to zero. It causes anxiety and stress for many people. However, the key is to have an excellent system to manage everything that comes in so that you don’t have to keep worrying and thinking about everything you need to do. Getting things done (GTD) is one such system. And the two-minute rule from GTD says that small tasks should never go on your to-do list if you can get them done now. This rule alone means that my email inbox rarely has any unopened or unreplied emails.

    11. BE YOURSELF; EVERYONE ELSE IS TAKEN

    Some believe that Oscar Wilde first said this, but the fascinating quote investigator website said they could not find it in any of his writings. However, Keith Craft noted something similar in announcing that we all have a unique fingerprint, and we can, therefore, “leave a unique imprint that no one else can leave.”

    “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

    12. WE REGRET THE THINGS WE DON’T DO MORE THAN THE THINGS WE DO

    We tend to think about what we may lose if we take a risk when deciding the future. However, when reflecting on the past, we regret what we missed by not taking a chance. The question then becomes, do we:

    1. Play it safe, and not put ourselves out there because people may judge or criticise us for giving something a go and not succeeding? Or
    2. Criticise others for being brave enough to try something? Or
    3. Throw caution to the wind and give it our best shot, knowing that we will learn and grow more from mistakes and setbacks than we ever would have by sitting back and criticising others?

    “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

    Theodore Roosevelt

    13. FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!

    Susan Jeffers was my hero back when I read her top-selling self-help book. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t have to get rid of my fear before I tried to act courageously.

    The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris then further highlighted to me that the actions tend to come before the feeling of confidence, not the other way around.

    Fear was designed to keep us safe as a hunter-gatherer but holds us back more in modern-day life than it helps us sometimes. So instead, we need to assess the actual level of risk whenever we feel fear and go for it if the situation feels scary but is pretty safe. It could be horror movies, roller coaster rides, plane flights, or public speaking.

    “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

    Franklin Delano Roosevelt, inaugural address, 1932

    14. WYSIATI

    “What you see is all there is.”

    Daniel Kahneman

    How you are thinking and feeling in the moment is very much influenced by how you are thinking and feeling. If you feel on top of the world, you are likely to be feeling happy, thinking positively about yourself, others, the world and your future. Anything may feel possible. Then the next week, you have a setback or get sick, and you start to feel depressed and hopeless and think negatively about yourself, others, the world and your future. Of course, both can’t be true if they are only a week apart. It’s therefore essential to understand the power of WYSIATI.

    Don’t think too big picture if you feel flat and down, and try not to do your weekly shop when you’re too hungry. The choices you’ll make once you’ve picked up a bit and have eaten something are likely to be very different.

    15. MEMENTO MORI

    “Remember that you have to die.”

    Latin phrase

    In many cultures worldwide and throughout history, acknowledging our mortality through prayer, meditation, reflection, ceremony, or celebration is more common than in atheistic or modern-day Western life.

    The phrase memento mori helped people consider the transient nature of earthly life, our goods and our pursuits and enabled them to become humble and clarify what was important to them.

    16. THINGS FADE; ALTERNATIVES EXCLUDE

    Two things that are inevitable in life are:

    1. no matter what we do, time passes and things erode over time (also known as the second law of thermodynamics), and

    2. if we go down one path, we cannot go down another track simultaneously.

    “Decisions are difficult for many reasons, some reaching down into the very socket of our being. John Gardner, in his novel Grendel, tells of a wise man who sums up his meditations on life’s mysteries in two simple but terrible postulates: “Things fade: alternatives exclude.” […] Decision invariably involves renunciation: for every yes there must be a no, each decision eliminating or killing other options (the root of the word decide means “slay,” as in homicide or suicide).”

    Irvin Yalom (1991). Love’s executioner. p. 10. Penguin Books.

    17. PARKINSON’S LAW

    Have you ever wondered how you get way more work done on some days when you are super busy? Then on quiet days, you don’t have much work to do but struggle to get it all done. The reason for this is Parkinson’s law:

    “Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

    The Stock–Sanford corollary to Parkinson’s rule is better, in my opinion, and it is something I used a lot when studying at uni:

    “If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do.”

    If productivity is what you are going for, give yourself a closer deadline and someone to hold you accountable if you don’t meet it, and voila, productivity and efficiency improve!

    18. THE IMPORTANCE OF MEANING AND PURPOSE

    “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Nietzsche was a nihilist, which meant that he didn’t think the world had any meaning in it. Irvin Yalom said that even if the world is meaningless overall, it is still essential for us to find personally meaningful things individually or as a group. Viktor Frankl showed that in the concentration camps in WWII, those with some higher purpose beyond the camps were the ones who could manage to survive the horrible atrocities they faced every day.

    What’s personally meaningful to you? Where could you find purpose?

    19. DON’T LISTEN TO THE DOUBTERS

    “Impossibility is not a fact — it’s an opinion.”

    Muhammed Ali

    Think of anyone who has done something groundbreaking or is still trying to do something pioneering today — Henry Ford, Walt Disney, Steve Jobs, Barack Obama, Richard Branson, Elon Musk, Bill Gates. I wonder how many people told them to give up, grow up, stop being deluded, or think realistically? I’d say most of them.

    Just because someone hasn’t done something doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t do it. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had the massive amount of progression that we have had over the past 200 years.

    20. CLARIFY YOUR VALUES AND MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON THESE

    “(Some people spend) their lives doing work they detest to make money they don’t want to buy things they don’t need in order to impress people they dislike.”

    Emile Gauvreau

    Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your life has to be a certain way just because everyone else is doing something a certain way and telling you that you should too.

    By clarifying your values first and building your hierarchy, you can see if what you are currently doing is consistent with what is essential. If not, what changes could you make that you’d be willing to make to help you start heading in the right direction? The earlier you make these changes, or at least concrete plans to make them, the higher chance you will be happy with the path you are on.

    21. RELATIONSHIP WARMTH IS THE NUMBER ONE PREDICTOR OF LONG-TERM HEALTH AND HAPPINESS

    “Love people, use things. The opposite never works.”

    Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus, The Minimalists

    The minimalist movement has picked up in the last 20 years in response to most of us in the Western world having way too much stuff and realising that it doesn’t make us any happier. If anything, it causes us more stress. Clothing used to be a scarce and valuable thing. Now wardrobes and houses are overflowing, and storage facilities are popping up everywhere to help clear some space.

    What if we just bought fewer things and focused more on what matters: our connections with the important people in our lives. Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, found that in the end, close relationships are more critical to our health and happiness than anything else.

    22. OCCAM’S RAZOR

    “Given several possible explanations about something, the simplest one is probably right.”

    Is the dog above trying to read, or is it merely sniffing the book?

    Occam’s razor is why conspiracy theories are never likely to be true. Think about the moon landing, or 9/11, or the Illuminati, flat earth theories, or any other conspiracy out there. For the conspiracy plot to be accurate, so many added levels are needed. Even people keeping the scheme a secret for years without anyone turning themselves in or trying to make money out of it is unlikely. So it’s much simpler and more likely that there is no conspiracy.

    You can also apply Occam’s razor to losing weight, sleeping well, getting stronger, or improving any skill. Some people have complicated theories, but usually, the answer lies in relatively simple explanations. Doing too much or complicating things beyond what is necessary often backfires.

    Reduce things back to the bare essentials, and see what happens.

    23. LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS

    The law of diminishing returns says that each time we do something to receive a benefit, the benefit will be less and less.

    Let’s say you order this massive stack of pancakes in the picture above. The first pancake may taste amazing, and the pleasure received is a 9 out of 10. After that, each bite is likely to be slightly less enjoyable than the bite before. Finally, if you somehow managed to get through the whole stack, the last taste might only be a 1 out of 10 on the pleasure scale.

    However, a month later, your next pancake might reach 9 out of 10 on the pleasure scale again.

    The solution is to wait for long enough between doing the same thing twice so that you enjoy it just as much the next time.

    “Variety is the very spice of life, that gives it all its flavour.”

    William Cowper

    24. BE KIND

    “If you’re kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.”

    Mother Teresa

    If you know why you are doing something, try not to worry about what others think. People who do not understand why you are doing what you are doing will see it from their point of view.

    If they could only do what you are doing by getting something in return, they will assume you have the same intention. But being kind is a reward within itself. If you can give just for the sake of it, do it. You can thank me later.

    25. DESIGN YOUR OWN LIFE

    “When you grow up you tend to get told the world is the way it is and (you should) just live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family, have fun, save a little money. That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again”.

    Steve Jobs

    As far as I see the world, we only have one life to live. We can spend it doing what others expect of us, or we can spend it doing what is suitable for us. We can blame everyone else for how things turn out, or we can go our own way.

    Regardless of what you decide, time passes, and eventually, you will either feel that you made the most of what you had or accumulate regrets. I try to live my life in a way where I learn from my past mistakes, and make choices that I hopefully won’t regret in the future. What about you?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • 20 Fascinating Paradoxes About Life

    20 Fascinating Paradoxes About Life

    What is a Paradox?

    According to the Oxford dictionary, a paradox is a noun that has two meanings:

    1. A seemingly absurd or contradictory statement or proposition which when investigated may prove to be well founded or true.

    2. A person or thing that combines contradictory features or qualities.

    I love paradoxes because they are sometimes funny and usually also quite insightful. Listening to the audiobook version of the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu was like listening to one paradox after another. This was especially surprising to me because it is an ancient book of wisdom. So a great paradox is much more than just a cliche, even though it can appear like that over time.

    Below is a list of some of my favourites, starting with one from the Tao Te Ching:

    1. “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings” – Lao Tzu

    young game match kids

    2. “Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

    man wearing brown suit jacket mocking on white telephone

    3. “I’d rather be hated for who I am, than be loved for who I am not” – Kurt Cobain

    hi haters scrabble tiles on white surface

    4. “I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member.” – Groucho Marx

    black steel welcome hanging signage

    5. “You know what the issue is with this world? Everyone wants a magical solution to their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic.” – Alice in Wonderland

    woman holding teacup

    6. “I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.” – Socrates

    man wearing brown jacket and using grey laptop

    7. “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

    adventure cliff lookout people

    8. “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviours.” – Stephen Covey

    man in blue crew neck shirt staring at woman trying to lift barbell

    9. “If you don’t risk anything you risk everything.” – Mark Zuckerberg

    action adventure challenge climb

    10. “The more we do, the more we can do; the more busy we are, the more leisure we have.” – William Hazlitt

    man and woman holding hands walking on seashore during sunrise

    11. “Only you can take responsibility for your happiness…but you can’t do it alone. It’s the great paradox of being human.” – Simon Sinek

    group hand fist bump

    12. “If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

    man person street shoes

    13. “Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.” – Frank Herbert

    red and blue hot air balloon floating on air on body of water during night time

    14. “Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.” – Oscar Wilde

    active activity adventure backpack

    15. “Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.” ―Mahatma Gandhi

    man person mountain hiker

    16. “He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.”― Michel de Montaigne

    close up photo of jack o lantern

    17. “A lot of people never use their initiative because no-one told them to.” – Banksy

    microphotography of orange and blue house miniature on brown snail s back

    18. “If someone doesn’t value evidence, what evidence are you going to provide to prove that they should value it? If someone doesn’t value logic, what logical argument could you provide to show the importance of logic?” ― Sam Harris

    battle black blur board game

    19. “Let go of certainty. The opposite isn’t uncertainty. It’s openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.” ― Tony Schwartz

    two men assisting woman riding on swing

    20. “If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold onto it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.” – Socrates

    bench cold dawn environment

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Would You Prefer to Enjoy Your Life Now, or Wait Until You Are Retired?

    Would You Prefer to Enjoy Your Life Now, or Wait Until You Are Retired?

    Recently, my girlfriend has been sharing some videos of people who follow the FIRE principle with me.

    FIRE is an acronym that stands for Financial Independence, Retire Early.

    Some people describe FIRE as a financial movement involving frugality and extreme savings and investments. To do this, you work hard, save up to 70% of your annual income, and reinvest your savings into investments that will help you make even more. Eventually, you can retire early and use small amounts of money from your ongoing investments to live off.

    It’s not a bad idea in theory. Who wouldn’t like to not have to work and do the things they would like to do instead of what they have to do?

    I wonder how happy a life it would lead to in reality? The few videos I have seen show extremely driven couples working excessively for over ten years, spending very little money while they are doing this, and then retiring in their 40s.

    While they are sacrificing so much in the present, what are they missing? Fun activities, school events or holidays with their children while they are young? Socialising with their friends and extended family? Even having enough time or being willing to pay for things that help them look after their health? Including healthy eating, gym memberships, massage or spa treatments, or a fun day out to a concert or movie? If reaching FIRE as early as possible is the primary goal, then most of this stuff will be seen as unnecessary or against the plan you are trying to achieve.

    But who gets to the end of their life and looks back and thinks, “I should have worked longer and harder, especially when my children were young?”

    And then once you reach FIRE, is the life that you are going to live suitable to who you are and your essential values?

    In 2021, I had to take the first seven months off work while recovering from a severe health condition. Having no paid work to do each week or day was not as enjoyable or glamorous as other people may imagine.

    Especially if you are in your 30s or 40s, most of your friends will be busy with work and family. So it’s not like you will have heaps of buddies that you can hit the golf course with throughout the workweek unless most of your friends are in their late 60s or early 70s. 70 something was the typical age of people I went on long bike rides while I kept rehabilitating my health last year.

    Suppose a driven person is willing to sacrifice everything in the short-term for at least ten years to reach their FIRE goal. Will they be happy sitting around on a beach, doing nothing except relaxing and sipping Pina Colada’s every day?

    I doubt it. Maybe for the first week. But then what?

    So why do people do it?

    I think it’s because we get the dream sold to us. We get told that work is a nightmare that we couldn’t possibly enjoy. But we are also told that we should study hard at school to get into a good University or College. Then we can get a good degree. Then we can get a good job. Then we can work hard in this job until we have enough money to retire. And then we can FINALLY enjoy life.

    It reminds me of the story of the fisherman who is told by a Westerner on holiday in his coastal town that the fisherman needs to work harder to make more money. “But why?” asks the fisherman. “So that you can buy bigger boats and more of them!” says the Westerner. “But why?” says the fisherman. So that you can make more money and then retire after 20 or 30 years!” says the Westerner. “And then what?” asks the fisherman. “Well, then you can buy a boat and live by the beach and enjoy your life!” says the Westerner. “But that is what I already do,” replies the fisherman, as he shakes his head at the Westerner for having such silly thoughts.

    Maybe we can stop trying to wait for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and see if we can try to enjoy our lives now? We may not need to have an excessive amount of money to do this. And we don’t need to retire early and do nothing every day.

    Not all work is glamorous. And going to university and obtaining a good degree does lead to more considerable earning potential later in your career. Regardless of how much someone makes though, work does help provide a sense of purpose and structure for a lot of people.

    My Personal Experience

    Completing a Doctorate for me did enable me to work as a Clinical Psychologist. It is a job that I love but also one that I can find emotionally exhausting. Seeing seven or eight people a day, five days a week for individual therapy is not ideal even though it would be lucrative.

    After working as a Psychologist since September 2013, I’ve learned to do whatever is sustainable and enjoyable for me.

    Yes, I am volunteering in Port Vila, Vanuatu, as a Clinical Psychologist on the Australian Volunteer Program, funded by the Australian Government. I receive a stipend for this, or just enough money to get by here and pay for my accommodation and food and living expenses.

    I am receiving way less money than I could get working back in private practice in Melbourne, Australia. However, I am also working in a way that feels sustainable to me. I am six months into volunteering here on a full-time basis again, and I haven’t felt the need to take any holidays yet. Weekend trips to beautiful beaches now and then is sufficient for me.

    Even though I am working full-time hours each week, I am not wrecked when it gets to Friday at 5 pm. I am happy that it is the weekend and that I can do some fun things with my girlfriend, daughter, and friends. But I do not feel like I need to spend half the weekend by myself just recovering.

    I am also happy. Happy to be working. Delighted to be experiencing all of these things. Glad to be meeting all of the people that I do. And happy that I am doing something meaningful and hopefully making a difference in the lives of the people I see.

    No matter how hard I work, I do not get paid any extra, and I kind of like it that way. By choosing to volunteer, I highly doubt that I will be reaching FIRE anytime soon, or at all. 

    One of my favourite writers is the Psychiatrist Irving Yalom, and he was still seeing patients and writing a few hours on weekdays well into his 80s. Now that seems much more enjoyable and meaningful than retiring in my 40s.

    What does everyone else think?

  • Is Vanuatu the Happiest Country in the World?

    Is Vanuatu the Happiest Country in the World?

    The latest Happy Planet Index puts Vanuatu second in the world in terms of sustainable well-being. To determine a country’s score on the Happy Planet Index, they look at a country’s well-being, multiplied by their life expectancy and then divided by their ecological footprint.

    The only country with a better Happy Planet Index score is Costa Rica, with 62.1. Vanuatu is second with a score of 60.4, followed by Colombia (60.2), Switzerland (60.1) and Ecuador (58.8).

    Although the Happy Planet Index helps to highlight the importance of living sustainably and trying to slow down climate change, is the sustainable happiness score the same as people’s overall satisfaction with their lives?

    Not really. The well-being indicator is probably more indicative. To assess well-being, people in each country are asked to rate the quality of their lives overall on a scale from 0 (horrible) to 10 (the best life you could ever imagine).

    The majority of the well-being data is taken from the Gallup World Poll, but Vanuatu is not usually included in this Poll. Therefore, the Happy Planet Index gives us an excellent chance to compare Vanuatu to the rest of the world regarding how satisfied their residents are with their lives compared to residents of other countries.

    Here are the top 20 countries:

    1. Finland = 7.84 (out of 10)
    2. Denmark = 7.62
    3. Switzerland = 7.57
    4. Iceland = 7.55
    5. Netherlands = 7.46
    6. Norway = 7.39
    7. Sweden = 7.36
    8. Luxembourg = 7.32
    9. New Zealand = 7.28
    10. Austria = 7.27
    11. Australia = 7.18
    12. Israel = 7.16
    13. Germany = 7.16
    14. Canada = 7.10
    15. Ireland = 7.09
    16. Costa Rica = 7.07
    17. United Kingdom = 7.06
    18. Czech Republic = 6.97
    19. Vanuatu = 6.96
    20. United States = 6.95

    Vanuatu isn’t the happiest country on the planet, but the residents of Vanuatu are, on average, quite satisfied with their lives. However, the loss of tourism with the COVID-19 pandemic and the international border closures have made it financially challenging for many people. The capital city of Port Vila can also be quite expensive to live in.

    Many young people are also travelling to Australia and New Zealand to work on farms and make as much money as possible. This leads to better financial opportunities for them, their families and communities. However, it also puts pressure on their partners, families and communities left behind while the young people work overseas for months and sometimes years.

    The big positives in Vanuatu seem to be the connection that people have to their country, island, land and community. There are close-knit kinship and family ties and minimal large-scale conflict and political unrest.

    Vanuatu is also a beautiful country with an exceptional natural environment and many people that want to preserve these resources as much as possible. For example, Vanuatu was one of the first countries to ban plastic drinking straws and plastic bags.

    Work is also not an overly important aspect of many people’s lives. Following a death, people grieve with their family and friends and don’t rush back into their daily activities. Vanuatu also allows for up to 21 sick days per year, more public holidays than pretty much any country in the world, and 21 annual leave days a year too.

    Based on the 2021 World Happiness Report, Finland once again wins the happiest country on the planet. Vanuatu is not the happiest country globally, but it is in the top 20 in the world. It is also a more joyful place than the USA, France, and many other countries around the globe.

    By looking at surveys such as the Happy Planet Index or the World Values Survey, it is possible to see which places may be the best fit for you. If you really care about the environment and climate change, Costa Rica and Vanuatu will be right up there for you.

    An excellent work-life balance, close connections with the important people in my life, not too much stress, lots of relaxation, beautiful natural resources and a population that feels like they are living a pretty good life are essential to me.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • What Values Do You Try to Live Your Life By?

    What Values Do You Try to Live Your Life By?

    Values are guiding principles for our lives that are endless pursuits. We cannot achieve a value in the same way we can accomplish a goal. However, at any point in time, you can connect with them, act in accordance to them, and receive the vitality, energy, improved self-worth, greater emotional well-being and happiness that are often the result of living consistently with our values.

    To figure out your most important values, first write if each value in the list below is very important to you (V), quite important to you (Q), or not important to you (N).

    It is essential that we choose the values that feel right to us, rather than pick the values that we think our parents or society might want us to follow.

    Then, for only your very important values, score from (0-10) how much you have been living according to this value over the past month, with:

    0 = not following this value over the past month,

    1 – 3 = following this value occasionally,

    4 – 6 = following this value sometimes,

    7 – 9 = following this value often, and

    10 = always living by this value.

    VALUES LIST

    1. Connecting with Nature: Importance of value to you (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency with value if it is very important to you (0-10?) = _________
    2. Gaining wisdom: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    3. Creating beauty (in any domain, including arts, dancing, gardening): Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    4. Promoting justice and caring for the weak: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    5. Being loyal to friends, family and/or my group: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    6. Being Honest: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    7. Helping others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    8. Being sexually desirable: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ________
    9. Having genuine and close friends: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = _____
    10. Having relationships involving love and affection: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    11. Being ambitious and hard working: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ____
    12. Being competent and effective: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    13. Having a sense of accomplishment and making a lasting contribution: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    14. Having an exciting life: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    15. Having a life filled with adventure: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    16. Having a life filled with novelty and change: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    17. Being physically fit: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    18. Eating healthy food: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    19. Engaging in sporting activities: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    20. Acting consistently with my religious faith and beliefs: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    21. Being at one with God: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    22. Showing respect for tradition: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = _____
    23. Being self-disciplined and resisting temptation: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    24. Showing respect to parents and elders: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) =____
    25. Meeting my obligations: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    26. Maintaining the safety and security of my loved ones: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    27. Making sure to repay favours and not be indebted to people: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    28. Being safe from danger: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) = _______
    29. Being wealthy: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    30. Having authority, being in charge: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ____
    31. Having influence over other people: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ____
    32. Having an enjoyable, leisurely life: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ____
    33. Enjoying food and drink: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    34. Being sexually active: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    35. Being creative: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    36. Being self-sufficient: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    37. Being curious, discovering new things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    38. Figuring things out, solving problems: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ______, Consistency (0-10?) =______
    39. Striving to be a better person: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    40. Experiencing positive mood states: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    41. Feeling good about myself: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _______, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    42. Leading a stress-free life: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _______, Consistency (0-10?) = _______
    43. Enjoying music, art or drama: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    44. Designing things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    45. Teaching others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    46. Resolving disputes: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    47. Building and repairing things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    48. Working with my hands: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = ______
    49. Organising things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    50. Engaging in clearly defined work: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) =_____
    51. Researching things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    52. Competing with others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _______
    53. Being admired by many people: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = _____
    54. Acting with courage: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    55. Caring for others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    56. Accepting others as they are: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ____, Consistency (0-10?) = _______
    57. Working on practical tasks: Importance (V, Q, N?) = _____, Consistency (0-10?) = ________
    58. Seeking pleasure: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    59. Avoiding distress: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________
    60. Avoiding self-doubt: Importance (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency (0-10?) = _________

    It will be difficult/impossible to always live by all of our very important values, because some values will come into conflict with each other. However, if you are have scored it a 5 or below in your consistency rating, then try to set a goal for the next month of how you can live more consistently with this value.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

    PLEASE NOTE: These value descriptions were taken from a values cards exercise that I did during my doctoral degree. I am not sure who developed it, but will happily give credit to them if anyone can let me know who did.

     

  • It’s Okay to Still Fall into Life Traps… We All Do!

    Life traps are self-defeating ways of perceiving, feeling about, interacting with oneself, others, and the world.

    If you want to get a sense of what your life-traps may be, the book ‘Reinventing your life’ by Jeffrey Young is an excellent place to start, as it goes into 11 different ones. If you want a more in-depth analysis, however, then go and see a Psychologist who specialises in Schema Therapy.

    A Psychologist has much more thorough and scientific questionnaires that can give you results on 18 schemas (life-traps), help you identify your most common traps, and show you what you can do both in therapy and outside of it whenever you realise that you have fallen into a trap.

    My Life-traps

    I have taken the Young Schema Questionnaire (YSQ-L3) three times to help identify my main life traps. The first time was at the beginning of 2014 when I was stuck in the middle of a complicated relationship while also trying to complete the last part of my Doctoral thesis and play basketball at a semi-professional level.

    The second time was in April 2017, when I was in a Clinical Psychology job that I loved. I had also stopped playing basketball at such an intense level and played with some friends (and without a coach) twice a week, which was way more fun.

    The most recent time was August 2018, where I had just finished up my work in private practice in Melbourne, Australia and was about to leave my friends and family to volunteer for two years in Port Vila, Vanuatu, as part of the Australian Volunteers Program (funded by the Australian Government).

    I want to share these results with you to show you that:

    1. context influences personality and how people view themselves, the world and others,
    2. personality and ways of perceiving yourself, relationships, and the world can change, and
    3. Even though it is possible to grow and improve over time, we all still fall into traps at times, which is okay. It’s about identifying when you have fallen into a trap and then knowing what you need to do to get out of it.

    When looking at the results, a 100% score would mean that I have answered every item for that life-trap a 6, which means that they describe me perfectly. The higher the % score, the more likely I will frequently fall into this life trap.

    YSQ-L3
    2014 Results 2017 Results 2018 Results
    Schema or life-trap Schema or life-trap Schema or life-trap
    1. Subjugation – 75% 1. Self-sacrifice – 60.78% 1.Self-sacrifice – 60.78%
    2. Dependence – 64.44% 2. Punitiveness (self) – 57.14% 2. Emotional Deprivation – 59.26%
    3. Self-sacrifice – 61.76% 3. Emotional Deprivation – 51.85% 3. Punitiveness (self) – 50%
    4. Approval seeking – 54.76% 4. Unrelenting Standards/ Hyper-criticalness – 48.96% 4. Subjugation – 50%
    5. Punitiveness (self) – 51.19% 5. Approval Seeking – 48.81% 5. Unrelenting standards – 43.75%
    6. Unrelenting standards – 48.96% 6. Subjugation – 48.33% 6. Approval seeking – 41.67%
    7. Insufficient self-control – 46.67% 7. Negativity/ Pessimism – 43.94% 7. Vulnerability to harm/illness – 40.28%
    8. Emotional inhibition – 46.30% 8. Mistrust/ Abuse – 41.18% 8. Negativity/Pessimism – 39.39%
    9. Emotional deprivation – 42.59% 9. Dependence/ Incompetence – 41.11% 9. Dependence/ Incompetence – 38.89%
    10. Abandonment – 41.18% 10. Emotional Inhibition – 40.74% 10. Mistrust/Abuse – 37.25%

    What’s Changed?

    people riding canoe boat view from inside pipe

    By looking at the table above, the green items indicate an improvement in comparison to the prior assessment, meaning that these life-traps are a little bit less powerful for me. The yellow indicates no change since the last assessment, and the red indicates a worse score, meaning that these life-traps may have a more powerful sway over me.

    From 2014 to 2017, 7 out of the initial top-10 life-traps had improved, one stayed the same, and two had worsened. Two additional traps not included in the initial top 10 had worsened and made the list (Negativity/Pessimism & Mistrust/Abuse).

    From 2017 to 2018, seven out of the 2017 top ten life traps had improved yet again, with one staying the same and two becoming worse. One additional trap (Vulnerability to harm/illness) had increased. Still, I believe this was due to the medical and safety briefings that I had been going through in the preparation of moving to Vanuatu for 2 years.

    Overall, I am less likely to fall into any life trap in 2018 than in 2014 and 2017. For example, the average of my top ten in 2014 was 53.29%, whereas in 2017, it was 48.28%, and in 2018, it was 46.13%.

    I also rated 21 items a 6 (= describes me perfectly) in 2014, only five in 2017, and none in 2018. This means that I am much less likely to get completely pushed around by my life traps. However, they still have some sway on me, especially the self-sacrifice and the emotional deprivation schemas, and to a lesser degree, punitiveness and subjugation.

    Here is Young’s description of these schemas:

    SELF-SACRIFICE: Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one’s own gratification. The most common reasons are: to prevent causing pain to others; to avoid guilt from feeling selfish; or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy. Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one’s own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of.

    EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION: Expectation that one’s desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others. The three major forms of deprivation are:

    1. Deprivation of Nurturance: Absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship.
    2. Deprivation of Empathy: Absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings from others.
    3. Deprivation of Protection: Absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others.

    SUBJUGATION: Excessive surrendering of control to others because one feels coerced — usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. The two major forms of subjugation are:

    1. Subjugation of Needs: Suppression of one’s preferences, decisions, and desires.

    2. Subjugation of Emotions: Suppression of emotional expression, especially anger.

    Subjugation usually involves the perception that one’s own desires, opinions, and feelings are not valid or important to others. Frequently presents as excessive compliance, combined with hypersensitivity to feeling trapped. Generally leads to a build up of anger, manifested in maladaptive symptoms (e.g., passive-aggressive behaviour, uncontrolled outbursts of temper, psychosomatic symptoms, withdrawal of affection, “acting out”, substance abuse).

    PUNITIVENESS: The belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes. Involves the tendency to be angry, intolerant, punitive, and impatient with oneself for not meeting one’s expectations or standards. Usually includes difficulty forgiving mistakes in oneself, because of a reluctance to consider extenuating circumstances, allow for human imperfection, or empathize with one’s feelings.

    Three out of my top four life traps have improved since 2014, but emotional deprivation, unfortunately, continues to climb with each assessment. I think that self-sacrifice, subjugation, and emotional deprivation schemas may be common life traps for people who decide to become psychologists. The therapeutic relationship is meant to be one-sided and focused on the patient or client’s needs, not the psychologist’s needs. For this reason, psychologists must get their relational needs met outside of their job and get their own therapy if needed to ensure that they can have a space about them. I wonder how these life traps will continue to evolve over the next two years in Vanuatu…

    How Can Life-traps Be Overcome?

    The first step to changing anything is awareness. If you are not aware that you are falling into any traps, it means that you either don’t have any, or you are so enmeshed in your experience that you cannot see them.

    Once you are aware of your traps, the next step is to understand them and why they occur for you. Most life traps originate in childhood typically, which is why most psychologists and psychiatrists will ask about your upbringing and your relationship with your parents in particular.

    Life traps are actually considered to be adaptive ways of coping with maladaptive environments. This means that your life traps were probably quite useful in the particular family dynamic that you had, or you wouldn’t have developed them in the first place. For example, my family often called me a martyr when I was younger because it didn’t matter what I wanted. In reality, it was just much more comfortable to let everyone else decide and take charge. Then if things didn’t work out, others couldn’t blame me. I saw it as a win-win but often didn’t get what I wanted because I didn’t speak up and then complained that my parents loved my siblings more, who were more than happy to speak up and ask for what they wanted.

    However, once you move out of the family home, these coping methods are generally ineffective. They tend to become maladaptive ways of interacting with yourself, others or the world. If I keep playing the martyr and refuse to speak up as an adult, my needs still don’t get met. As a result, I may become excessively demanding of others as a counterattack measure (not likely for me), or I may try to escape from all relationships where I need to speak up about my needs. Either way, it keeps the life trap going, and it isn’t helpful.

    I need to realise that there are relationships out there where it is beneficial for me to speak up, as people then know what I want and respond effectively to the situation at hand. It still doesn’t “feel right” when I think about telling others my wants or needs (and I’m not sure if it ever will), but I logically know that it is the best approach for me to take going forward. If I want to break free from my main life traps, I must learn to speak up reasonably when important to me (and others). By doing this, eventually, the life traps will become much less prevalent and less powerful too.

    If you have been trying with therapy for a long time but don’t think you are getting anywhere, please seek a Psychologist with experience in Schema Therapy. Also, if you are stuck in a relationship where your needs aren’t being met, it could help too.

    Learning about Schema Therapy and undergoing training in it has taught me more about my own personal life traps than anything else that I have done before and really does give me a sense of what my most significant challenges are going forward. I’ve made a lot of progress so far, but there is still a long way to go, and that is okay. I know that I will continue to improve with acceptance, self-compassion, patience, reflection, and perseverance, and I am confident you can too!

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

    P.S. For a full description of the other 14 maladaptive schemas, please click here.

  • The Top 20 Movies of My Lifetime (20-11)

    The Top 20 Movies of My Lifetime (20-11)

    A list like this will always be subjective, and I don’t expect others to agree with it. However, I still think it is worth highlighting the movies that have significantly impacted my life and why this is the case. If you believe something amazing is missing from the list, please let me know in the comments section below.

    I was born in 1985, so the movies on the list have been released in 1985 or later. All films on the list also have to be movies:

    • that I have personally watched,
    • that I have personally enjoyed, and
    • that have emotionally impacted me in some way.

    WHY MOVIES ARE IMPORTANT

    Unfortunately, the longer I practise psychotherapy, the more I can see its limitations. Over time, it has become easier for me to look at the traps that people consistently fall into and the logical steps people need to overcome these difficulties.

    However, people are not just logical creatures. They have emotional reactions to things based on their past experiences and beliefs. Therefore, for long-term change to occur, we need to connect and bring about change emotionally.

    This is where stories become relevant. Whether through a good fiction book or a great movie, stories can connect with us emotionally and move us more than a rational argument ever could. Without further ado, here is my list, ranked based on their IMDb star rating:

    # 20: The Conjuring (2013) — IMDb star rating: 7.5/10

    Quite simply, I have never been more scared watching a horror movie in the cinema than this one. I locked my arms between the armrests so that I didn’t jump too much, and the amount of sweat I produced by the end of the movie was intense. The sequel is almost as good, but the scene where the mother wakes up and thinks that her kids are playing a clap-clap version of hide and seek is genuinely terrifying. James Wan is a master of his craft, and his supernatural stuff is much better than the Saw series.

    I was tempted to include ‘Wake in Fright’, the Australian outback horror, instead of this as it has a higher IMDb rating and was an uncomfortable watch. However, the success of a scary movie needs to be about how scary it is, and therefore ‘The Conjuring’ is the perfect way to kickstart the list.

    # 19: The Castle (1997) — IMDb star rating: 7.7/10

    My only Australian movie on the list. I was thinking about my most quoted movie of all time, and this is a close battle with ‘Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy’ and ‘Happy Gilmore’, however ‘The Castle’ has a higher star rating and gets the nod for being an Aussie film. From “tell ’em to get stuffed” to “the vibe” to “the serenity” to “he’s an ideas man” to “we could talk for hours” and “I dug another hole”, The Castle is a truly classic Australian film. For anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, please do yourself a favour and check it out. Truly knee-slapping fun.

    # 18: Midnight in Paris (2011) — IMDb star rating: 7.7/10

    It is the best Woody Allen film by far, in my opinion. Many people might say ‘Manhattan’ or ‘Annie Hall’ or even ‘Hannah and Her Sisters’ may be better, but I tend to prefer the movies that Woody actually doesn’t appear in himself. When Owen Wilson’s character gets to go back in time and meet F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway and Salvador Dali and Pablo Picasso, this is movie magic at its finest. Plus, Marion Cotillard as Adriana is magical too. I’d escape Rachel McAdams as Inez for her any day.

    # 17: Groundhog Day (1993) — IMDb star rating: 8.0/10

    Just brilliant, in my opinion, and the best Bill Murray film by far. What would you do if you were stuck living the same day over and over again in a town that you didn’t want to be in? The main character, Phil, first tries to take advantage of others. He then commits crimes, tries to kill himself, learns skills, helps others and finally finds true love. Another great example of movies teaching us something using a method that couldn’t possibly happen in real life.

    # 16: Donnie Darko (2001) — IMDb star rating: 8.1/10

    This is an example of the right movie at the right time. I was experiencing a lot of suicidal ideation when this movie came out in 2001, and the main song from the movie ‘Mad World’ by Gary Jules connected with me in a way that not much else did. It seems to be the closest depiction I’ve seen of ‘The Catcher in the Rye’, my favourite novel at the time by the author J.D. Salinger. It was a dark time for me, and Donnie Darko really helped me to feel that I wasn’t alone in my struggle. It looked to be the start of a promising career by director Richard Kelly, but he doesn’t seem to have done much since 2009’s ‘The Box’.

    # 15: Before Sunrise (1995) — IMDb star rating: 8.1/10

    I enjoyed all three films in this trilogy, but the first one was my favourite by far. Two strangers, randomly meeting each other on a train in a foreign land, spending the night together wandering around the streets of Vienna and developing a powerful connection in the process. I also really liked ‘Boyhood’ and ‘Dazed and Confused’ from Linklater, but ‘Before Sunrise’ takes the cake for why I love travelling and meeting new people and saying yes to spontaneous experiences.

    # 14: The Truman Show (1998) — IMDb star rating: 8.1/10

    This and ‘EdTV’ were really at the forefront of the reality TV movement that has taken over commercial TV these days. ‘The Truman Show’ is a much better movie, however. Who hasn’t imagined themselves as the main character in a story? I know I have. What if everything was just a set-up to create conflict and tension for the millions of viewers out there? Would you like this, knowing that you are likely to be safe and cared about for the rest of your life? Or would you rather break free and experience an authentic and genuine life experience and give yourself a chance of finding real love and happiness? We all have a choice between what is expected of us and what we would really like to do.

    # 13: The Sixth Sense (1999) — IMDb star rating: 8.1/10

    Unfortunately, one of my friends spoiled the twist at the end of this movie before I saw it, so I’ll never get to experience watching it without knowing what was actually happening. However, I still loved it, which is a true credit to how great the movie is. Early on, I would have listed M. Night Shyamalan as one of my favourite directors. How far his and Haley Joel Osment’s career fell after this gives you an indication of how fickle Hollywood can be, but it was nice to see the director return to some form with the recent ‘Split’. Hopefully, his upcoming sequel to ‘Unbreakable’ will be good too. At its essence, ‘The Sixth Sense’ is an exploration of the topic of grief. I wonder what mediums think of this movie and its most famous quote, “I see dead people”?

    # 12: Inglourious Basterds (2009) — IMDb star rating: 8.3/10

    The best Tarantino movie, in my opinion. The tension he can create through dialogue is amazing, especially with the extended scene at the beginning of the film and the even more extended scene in the basement bar. Tarantino is a movie nerd through and through, and many people will say that ‘Pulp Fiction’ is his masterpiece, but this is better than that in many ways for me. Christoph Waltz was amazing, and getting to revise history in a way that leads to Hitler being shot in the face by a machine gun would have no doubt be satisfying to many. However, it also shows that big budgets and lots of action can never make up for poor dialogue when building up suspense. It’s a pity ‘The Hateful Eight’ was so bad. Here’s hoping that Mr Tarantino makes a return to form with his next film.

    # 11: Good Will Hunting (1997) — IMDb star rating: 8.3/10

    My favourite movie on therapy and the benefits that it can bring. It’s great to see Robin Williams in some of his more serious roles, too, including this one, ‘What Dreams May Come’ and ‘Dead Poets Society’. The scene where Robin Williams character Sean says to Matt Damon’s character Will that it’s not his fault for the prior abuses that have taken place in his life is compelling, as it finally leads to a breaking down of the barriers that Will puts up to defend himself. This is all too obvious with many of the clients that I see who have had abusive pasts. Many of them continue to treat themselves as harshly as their perpetrators once treated them. It is heartbreaking to see it time and time again, and I wish that they too could truly grasp and genuinely feel that they were not responsible for the abuses that they have suffered.

    Stay tuned for #10 through to #1…

  • My Top 5 Psychology TED Talks

    My Top 5 Psychology TED Talks

    In order of fewest views to most, I will present my favourite TED talks, along with a brief description of what they are about, why I think they are great and where you can find out more information about these concepts if you are interested. Enjoy!

    5. The Surprising Science of Happiness by Dan Gilbert (13 million views)

    Summary: Human beings are the only animals that can simulate experience and imagine what something will be like before we do it. This capacity to visualise future experiences is a helpful tool to have. It is one of the main reasons humans have been able to make all of the advances that we have since the industrial revolution. However, our experience simulator has its limitations and is often not accurate due to what is known as an impact bias.

    An impact bias is the tendency to overestimate the impact that a future event will have on our emotional life and overall happiness levels. The most striking example, which I’ve previously mentioned in another article, is that 12 months after becoming a paraplegic or 12 months after winning the lottery, an individual’s level of happiness is usually the same as before the event took place. It is the same with weight loss, moving houses, relationship break-ups and infidelity, and getting a promotion at work. Whether it is a positive or negative event, they will consistently have less impact, less intensity and lesser duration than what people will expect them to have.

    When things work out the way we want them to, this is known as Natural Happiness, and most people understand why someone is happy. It makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is Synthetic Happiness, which is the happiness that is created by our “psychological immune system” when we don’t get what we want. Research has shown that even though other people respond to examples of Synthetic Happiness with a “yeah right!” response when they hear about it, it is every bit as enduring as Natural Happiness.

    What I liked about it: Even when things don’t go as planned or we don’t end up getting what we want, most of the time, our “psychological immune system” will step into action and help us feel pleased not despite, but because of what has occurred. While most of us might picture ourselves being miserable if things don’t work out, the truth is that we will generally be okay, so don’t spend too much time fretting over all of the bad things that may occur in the future. Humans are amazingly resilient, even in the face of the worst possible outcomes.

    On the positive side, we should also try not to sacrifice too much good stuff (fun, leisure, play, excitement, adventure) in the here and now for that eventual pay-off that is likely to be less rewarding and less enduring than you imagine. It is much better to create the type of life that we want now than always putting it off until a later date (after I finish studying; after I get married; after I retire; after I lose weight etc.).

    If you’d like to learn more: Read the book ‘Stumbling on Happiness’ by Dan Gilbert.

    4. The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain (14 million views)

    Summary: Our society, especially in the West, tends to value being social and outgoing, or being an extrovert, above all else. An extrovert is someone who craves large amounts of stimulation, both environmentally and socially, to feel lively and capable. On the other hand, introverts tend to feel most comfortable, switched on, energised, and creative when they are in low-key or isolated environments.

    The key to maximising everyone’s talents is finding the best level of stimulation for each individual. However, we design our schools and workplaces and social settings to allow the extrovert to thrive. These designs only further disadvantage the introvert and diminish their performance, confidence and level of well-being. Introverts often feel different from mainstream society or ashamed of who they are, but between a third and a half of all individuals are introverted. It’s just that they are often quieter and tend to get lost in the crowd.

    What if, instead of forcing introverts to thrive in an extroverted world, we could instead diversify things to appeal to everyone’s strengths. What if each student and worker could study and perform in the environment that best suited them? Introverts often have talents and abilities in the areas where extroverts are the weakest, so accepting, encouraging, and celebrating the strengths of introverts and extroverts would help society flourish better as a whole.

    What I liked about it: Growing up, I always knew that I became overstimulated and struggled to perform at my best in loud, busy environments. I hated going out to clubs on the weekend and tended to enjoy smaller gatherings to large crowds or festivals. I even found large lectures much more challenging to concentrate on than a small tutorial or studying at home by myself. Some of my favourite pastimes include spending a big chunk of time by myself relaxing, reflecting or reading a book. I love excitement and adventure too, which makes me more of an ambivert, but I need my quiet times to recharge and keep functioning at my best. Accepting myself for who I am and working with my strengths is much better than forcing myself to be like someone else that society values the most.

    If you’d like to learn more: Read the book ‘Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking’ by Susan Cain.

    3. The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown (24 million views)

    Summary: Brené Brown is a social worker who has studied human connection, imperfection, shame, fear and vulnerability. She believes that human connection is why we are here on this planet, and it is what gives us meaning and purpose in life. She says that what prevents us from connecting with others truly is shame and fear and that to connect, empathise, belong and love, we need to be seen, which takes extreme courage and vulnerability. It is possible to be worthy of love, connection and belonging without being perfect. We need to be compassionate towards ourselves and believe that we are worthy. While it may seem appealing to not be afraid before we act, it is actually through leaning into the discomfort, embracing vulnerability, and being willing to take emotional risks that we will find the most rewarding experiences and connections.

    What I liked about it: Not only does Brené Brown talk about vulnerability, but she also leads by example by opening up about her struggles with vulnerability. She shows that life isn’t about waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we act upon something or try something out, as seductive as infallibility may be. If we don’t take risks or be vulnerable, we sacrifice the quality of our relationships, and we miss out on opportunities that we may never be able to get again. But, on the other hand, when we are vulnerable, we don’t waste our precious time or turn our backs on our potential strengths. Instead, we manage to connect with others and contribute in a way that is uniquely ours.

    If you’d like to learn more: Read the book ‘The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are’. Even better is the book ‘Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead’ by Brené Brown.

    2. Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are by Amy Cuddy (33 million views)

    Summary: It has been known for quite a while that our body language impacts how others perceive us and how successful our interactions with others are. Amy Cuddy has researched our nonverbal behaviour further and shows that this can also affect our thoughts, feelings, hormone levels and subsequent behaviour. For example, holding any two of the five “power poses” shown in the talk for only 60 seconds each can increase testosterone levels and feelings of power while reducing cortisol levels and stress. It may even change how you perform if done before important meetings, speeches, exams, job interviews, or other stressful occasions. Like Amy says, power posing allows us to “fake it until we become it!”

    What I liked about it: The concept of power posing brings about all types of possibilities for helping people with anything that they usually lack confidence in or feel a high degree of stress doing. If only 2 minutes of power posing can increase their likelihood of success, then it should be taught everywhere, from homes to schools to workplaces. In the last chapter of Amy Cuddy’s book ‘Presence’ she includes some examples of people (and even horses) that have successfully applied power posing in their lives.

    The Imposter Syndrome is another critical issue that Amy touches on during her talk, and it is an experience that a lot of us (between 60–70%) have at one point or another in our life. I know that I did when I first made the state Volleyball team as a junior and when I first started studying for my Doctoral Psychology degree. The Imposter Syndrome is where people feel like they are a fraud or shouldn’t be in the position they are in because they “don’t deserve it” or that “somebody has made a mistake”. They worry that although they have been able to convince people so far of their capabilities, it is just a matter of time before others catch them out for the imposter they are. Realising how common this is and that in time it can go away would provide hope to anyone watching who is going through a similar experience.

    If you’d like to learn more: Read the book ‘Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges’ by Amy Cuddy.

    1. Do Schools Kill Creativity? by Sir Ken Robinson (38 million views)

    Summary: Our current education system is outdated and fails to adequately prepare today’s children for the uncertainty and unprecedented growth that is likely to occur in the future.

    The current hierarchical structure of subjects tends to place maths and languages at the top, followed by the humanities and arts. Furthermore, art and music are considered higher than drama and dance, even within the arts.

    Somehow as we go up in school levels, the creative pursuits are pushed aside, devalued and even stigmatised instead of the more serious subjects that are supposed to ready us for the workplace. But schools are still preparing us for the needs of industrialism, not for the rapidly evolving society where we are not even aware of what is ahead of us in five years, let alone what the world will be like in 2065.

    Wouldn’t it be better to help each child to utilise their creativity in figuring out where they are most “in their element” and encourage them to pursue a career that is consistent with both their strengths (what they are good at) and their passions (what they enjoy)?

    What I liked about it: Considering that we’ll never exactly know what we are preparing students for, teaching them to be curious, creative, innovative, flexible and resilient should be at the top of the list of the skills to help develop in children. If we can do this, then no matter what takes place in the future, today’s children will be in the best position to adapt, grow and evolve.

    We should also let go of seeing intelligence so narrowly and know that it is diverse, dynamic and distinct. We should start looking for and nurturing each child’s unique capacities instead of trying to force them into becoming A+ Maths and English students. Ken uses the example of Gillian Lynne, who her school diagnosed at eight years of age as having a learning disorder similar to ADHD. Nowadays, she would likely be put on Ritalin to help reduce her restlessness and remain focused in class, but luckily the specialist that she saw noticed her need to move and dance to music and told her mother to enrol her in a dance school instead. Gillian did this, began to flourish, and went on to choreograph “Cats” and “Phantom of the Opera”, entertaining millions and making millions in the process.

    If you’d like to learn more: Read the books ‘The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything’ and ‘Finding Your Element: How to Discover Your Talents and Passions and Transform Your Life’ by Ken Robinson and Lou Aronica.

    Feel free to comment about which ones you liked the best or if there are other TED talks that you would have included in your list.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist