Damon Ashworth Psychology

Tag: mental illness

  • Why 18 is the New 15: The Negative Consequences of Always Wanting Our Children to Feel Special and Safe

    Why 18 is the New 15: The Negative Consequences of Always Wanting Our Children to Feel Special and Safe

    In 1970, children were “ready” to enter Grade One at Primary or Elementary School if they travelled independently around their neighbourhood (four to eight blocks from their house).

    Six-year-olds could go to the shops and buy things by themselves or walk or ride to school if close enough. Children also knew how to explain to a police officer where they lived if asked.

    These days, the police officer would probably arrest the parents for neglect if a six-year-old child was found four blocks from home by themselves.

    Times have changed, but is this always a good thing for our children?

    I remember having a lot of freedom growing up. My mother would let me and my siblings play down at the park by ourselves two blocks away from our house. My brother was 7 or 8, I was 5, and my sister was 2 or 3. We weren’t entirely alone. According to my mother, we had a pet Rottweiler watch over us too, and “she would never have let anyone hurt you kids!”.

    We rode or walked ourselves to and from school when my brother was in grade 5, I was in grade 3, and my sister was in grade 1. It wasn’t just a bike path either. We had to ride on roads, cross over a river and railway tracks, and not even at a designated crossing. My parents had to work, so we travelled by ourselves.

    After school, we’d come home, open the door, make a snack, and play some games or watch TV until our parents came back from work. We were “latch key kids”, and I don’t think we minded too much at all.

    Growing up, we played outside unsupervised by adults all the time. We were running around with the other kids on the street, playing a sport or making up games, having water bomb fights during the day or playing spotlight at night. We’d ride to the milkbar whenever we felt like ice cream or a snack and even did a paper round in the neighbourhood with my brother a few times well before we were old enough to work legally.

    There were a few scraped knees, and maybe some storm drains that we shouldn’t have gone down. But I knew how to bike ride all over town to my friend’s places by my 10th birthday. Exploring places with my friends and without any parents were some of the best memories of my childhood.

    Fast forward to 2024, and most children will have to wait until they leave their family home to get the same amount of unsupervised time outside that I had before I was a teenager. They spend less time hanging out with their friends in person, and any time they spend is likely to be supervised by their parents or done alongside them, even when they go to the local shopping mall.

    In her excellent book, ‘iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids are Growing up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy — and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood’, the author Jean Twenge says that as a result of the reduced freedom for our youth, the typical 18-year-old in 2022 is similar in maturity levels to what a 15-year-old was back in 1970.

    These days, children and adolescents are less capable of living, socialising, or working independently than the previous generations and are suffering more psychologically.

    Depression, anxiety, narcissism and deliberate self-harm have all been increasing, and dramatically so since 2012. Unfortunately, this also coincides with the widespread proliferation of smartphones into our society.

    Parents should give their children more freedom in the real world while also being more concerned about the safety of their children online. Adolescent girls appear to be particularly impacted by the introduction of the smartphone and the increased usage of social media that comes with this. As a result, suicide rates among teenage girls have risen to the point where they are now similar to suicide rates in boys of the same age.

    What would you prefer to build in a child?

    A. A conviction that they are amazing, just the way they are?

    or

    B. A belief that they can face and overcome most of the challenges they face in life if they learn from setbacks and feedback and apply themselves?

    You may answer both, but what would it be if you had to choose one?

    Self-esteem (A), defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as:

    “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself”

    or

    Self-efficacy (B), which Psychologist Albert Bandura defined as:

    “the belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the sources of action required to manage prospective situations.”

    After decades of research, we now know that focusing on building a child’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem (A) at the expense of improving their capacity and self-efficacy (B) in learning and doing things by themselves can have some adverse side effects.

    Research on Self-Esteem:

    LOW SELF-ESTEEM IS NOT GREAT

    • Low self-esteem correlates with increased violence, teenage pregnancy, suicide, low academic achievement and increased rates of school dropout (Misetich & Delis-Abrams, 2003)
    • Living alone, being unemployed, having low socioeconomic status or having a disability is linked to lower self-esteem (von Soest, Wagner, Hansen & Gerstorf, 2018)
    • 70% of girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up in some way (Dove Self-Esteem Fund, 2008)
    • Teenagers with low self-esteem have less resilience and a greater sense of hopelessness (Karatas, 2011)

    HEALTHY LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM IS BENEFICIAL

    • People with healthy self-esteem are more resilient and able to respond helpfully and adaptively to disappointment, failure and obstacles (Allegiance Health, 2015)
    • In China, self-esteem significantly predicted life satisfaction (Chen, Cheung, Bond & Leung, 2006)
    • School programs that build self-esteem in primary school children also reduce problem behaviours and strengthen connections between the students (Park & Park, 2014)

    HIGH SELF-ESTEEM ISN’T ALWAYS A POSITIVE

    • Abraham Maslow put self-esteem as a need in his hierarchy of needs pyramid. However, he later noted that individuals with high self-esteem are more apt to come late to appointments, be less respectful, more casual, more condescending, and much more willing to make themselves comfortable without bidding or invitation.
    • Carl Rogers, another Humanistic Psychologist, got so sick of new staff coming into his Western Behavioural Sciences Institute with no desire or ability to work that he once sent out a letter that said, “less self-esteem please; more self-discipline!”
    • People with fragile or shallow high self-esteem are no better off than individuals with low self-esteem. They engage in exaggerated tendencies to protect, defend and enhance their feelings of self-worth (Kernis, 2008)
    • Academic performance is weakly related to self-esteem, with some students doing worse academically after their self-esteem increased (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger & Vohs, 2005)

    Baumeister has looked extensively into the issues with some types of high self-esteem. He found that:

    • Students with high self-esteem tend to overestimate their abilities. They also like to boast to others about what they can do.
    • High self-esteem doesn’t make people more attractive to others; it just makes the individual think they are more attractive
    • Bullies at school and work tend to have higher reported levels of self-esteem
    • People with high self-esteem are more likely to take risks and engage in unprotected sex. They tend to be impulsive and not think through the consequences of a decision before acting
    • People with high self-esteem are more likely to be prejudiced against others. They tend to be smug and superior when interacting with others
    • People with high self-esteem are less likely to work through and overcome relationship conflicts. They can be abusive in relationships and assume their needs come first no matter what situation they are in
    • People with high self-esteem seem blind to their faults and are less likely to learn from experience, change or improve themselves

    Research on Self-Efficacy:

    SELF-EFFICACY HELPS PEOPLE AT WORK

    • A meta-analysis of over 100 studies found a moderately strong correlation (.38) between self-efficacy and job performance (Stakjovic & Luthans, 1998)
    • Another meta-analysis found that high self-efficacy is related to better emotional stability and greater job satisfaction (Judge & Bono, 2001)
    • Greater self-efficacy leads to less burnout for teachers (Skaalvik & Skaalvik, 2007)
    • Increased self-efficacy in nurses can improve their work performance, reduce turnover rates and protect them from exhaustion (Fida, Laschinger & Leiter, 2018)

    SELF-EFFICACY HELPS STUDENTS AT SCHOOL

    • High optimism and self-efficacy in students lead to better academic performance, greater coping with stress, better health, and more satisfaction with school (Chemers, Ju & Garcia, 2001)
    • Increased self-efficacy leads to more enthusiasm and commitment to learning in students who had previously been struggling to read (Margolis & McCabe, 2006)

    SELF-EFFICACY CAN IMPROVE HEALTH OUTCOMES

    • Patients with cancer with high self-efficacy adjust to their diagnosis better and are more likely to adhere to their recommended treatment (Lev, 1997)
    • Patients with high self-efficacy who have joint replacement surgery exercise more frequently and improve their performance more after the surgery (Moon & Backer, 2000)
    • Improving self-efficacy can increase how much previously sedentary adults exercise, which then enhances their overall health (McAuley, 1992)
    • Parental self-efficacy can reduce the risk of postpartum depression in new mothers (Cutrona & Troutman, 1986)
    • Low self-efficacy is related to anxiety (including social anxiety and panic attacks) and depressive symptoms (Muris, 2002)

    What Can We Do?

    I’d rather have my children go to a school where teachers are more like Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. Here’s an excerpt from his excellent commencement address to his son’s year nine graduating class in 2017:

    “From time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly, so that you will come to know the value of justice. I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty. Sorry to say, but I hope you will be lonely from time to time so that you don’t take friends for granted. I wish you bad luck, again, from time to time so that you will be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand that your success is not completely deserved and that the failure of others is not completely deserved either. And when you lose, as you will from time to time, I hope every now and then, your opponent will gloat over your failure. It is a way for you to understand the importance of sportsmanship. I hope you’ll be ignored so you know the importance of listening to others, and I hope you will have just enough pain to learn compassion. Whether I wish these things or not, they’re going to happen. And whether you benefit from them or not will depend upon your ability to see the message in your misfortunes.”

    Chief Justice John Roberts

    I want our kids to learn life lessons that help them gain the skills and knowledge required to function as independent adults in the world.

    I want children to be physically and mentally healthy and suffer less from emotional and psychological disorders.

    I want them to develop high self-efficacy and a belief that they can do something by trial-and-error and effort rather than assuming that they are great no matter what they can do.

    How Do We Build Self-Efficacy?

    According to Bandura and Akhtar (2008), there are four main ways to build self-efficacy in our children’s lives:

    1. Mastery experiences: Ensure that your child has regular opportunities to take on and tackle new and challenging tasks that are just outside their current level of comfort and competence. By pushing themselves with these tasks, they will gain more self-efficacy than repeating something they already know how to do.
    2. Vicarious experiences: Ensure that your children have positive role models or mentors that they can observe doing the things you want them to know how to do. It could be you, another family member, a friend of yours or a coach. Because you are likely to spend more time with them than other people, it is essential to model the behaviours, mindset and skills you want them to learn. If you do this, they can learn from you, emulate what you do, and then get feedback on how they are going and keep improving these skills.
    3. Verbal persuasion: The type of words used in self-talk and with others can significantly affect how much self-efficacy one feels. Like Dr Carol Dweck says, in promoting a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset, we need to praise effort and what children do (their actions and intentions) rather than who they are as a person or what the outcome was. It builds up a greater desire to take on more challenging tasks in the future instead of the fear of being wrong, not succeeding, or not being “smart enough”.
    4. Emotional and physiological states: We need to focus on children’s overall mental and physical health and well-being. If they are sick, tired, sleepy, hungry, stressed, depressed or anxious, it will be more challenging for them to maintain a high level of self-efficacy, and belief in their ability to successfully tackle a challenge will decrease. By helping children look after the other areas of their health, they are more likely to have the energy and confidence to take on whatever is in front of them, overcome setbacks, and persist until they have achieved their goals.

    For more information and ideas on how to help kids to build resilience and self-efficacy, please visit the Let Grow website or learn more about the Free Range Kids’ Movement.

    Crime rates are now at their lowest point since 1963. Thanks to many societal changes, your children are physically safer growing up, yet they have way less freedom. Would you be willing to supervise your children a bit less and let them do more in the real world by themselves or with their friends if it helped them grow into independent, resilient and capable adults?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Is it Better to be Completely Honest, a Strategic Truth-Teller or an Occasional Liar?

    Is it Better to be Completely Honest, a Strategic Truth-Teller or an Occasional Liar?

    I used to lie a lot growing up. Not quite as bad as Holden Caulfield in ‘The Catcher in the Rye’:

    “I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It’s awful. If I’m on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I’m going, I’m liable to say I’m going to the opera. It’s terrible.”
    ― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

    I remember lying to my mum about cleaning my room to go outside to play. So instead, I would push all the mess under the bed or throw it in the wardrobe.

    I remember lying about doing my homework so that I didn’t have to do it and could play video games. I would then lie about being sick the next day to finish the assignment I needed to do the night before.

    I remember lying about how many points I scored in basketball to friends or how many alcoholic drinks I had to my parents whenever they picked me up from a high school party.

    I even remember lying to my brother’s friend about my surfing skills (I didn’t have any) and to a classmate about how many languages I spoke (I can say maybe 30 words in Indonesian, Spanish, and Italian, but not much more).

    I think back to these moments, and I’m not proud of saying these things, but I can also understand why I did it.

    I wish I could have been a less lazy, more confident and self-assured kid who was always honest with his friends and strangers and did the right thing by his parents and teachers. But how realistic is that scenario, and is it even ideal?

    “The truth is always an insult or a joke. Lies are generally tastier. We love them. The nature of lies is to please. Truth has no concern for anyone’s comfort.”
    ― Katherine Dunn, Geek Love

    Why Do People Lie?

    We lie to:

    • fit in and pretend we are like others
    • stand out and pretend we are different to or better than others
    • seek approval from others
    • be seen as more loveable/desirable/acceptable
    • feel better about ourselves
    • avoid getting into trouble
    • protect other people’s feelings or avoid hurting them
    • be polite
    • avoid feeling hurt, sad, disappointed, guilty or ashamed
    • keep a secret
    • maintain confidentiality
    • be consistent with societal norms

    “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche

    What Happens if We Are 100% Honest?

    Jim Carrey plays the main character in the 1997 comedy ‘Liar Liar’. He’s a high flying lawyer who keeps disappointing his son Max by making promises to him that he doesn’t keep by putting work first. Finally, after his dad doesn’t turn up to his birthday celebration, Max wishes for his dad not to be able to tell a lie, and the magic of movies makes this wish come true.

    What results is some hilarious situations in which Jim Carrey’s character gets himself into trouble for telling the whole truth when it would be more polite to lie. It includes telling his secretary why he didn’t give her a pay rise, telling his boss that he has had better than her, and confessing to everyone in a crowded elevator that he was the one who did the smelly fart.

    The moral of the story was two-fold:

    1. Sometimes it is necessary to lie, or at least not always be brutally honest and say everything that comes to your mind, and
    2. By being tactful and as honest as possible, you may become a better person who upsets people less and has more authentic relationships.

    “One lie has the power to tarnish a thousand truths.“
    ― Al David

    Radical Honesty

    In 2007, A.J. Jacobs wrote an article for Esquire magazine about a month-long experiment on a movement called Radical Honesty. It was titled ‘I Think You’re Fat’ and is worth reading. Much more than the 1995 book called ‘Radical Honesty’ by Brad Blanton that initially inspired the article:

    Blanton had worked as a psychotherapist for 35 years in Washington D.C. and ran 8-day workshops on Radical Honesty that retailed for $2,800 back in 2007. Blanton says his method works, although he may distort some of the positive benefits for personal and financial gain. He’s been married five times and claims to have slept with more than 500 women and six men, including a “whole bunch of threesomes.” He also admits to lying sometimes.

    “She looks honestly upset, but then, I’ve learned that I can’t read her. The problem with a really excellent liar is that you have to just assume they’re always lying.“
    ― Holly Black, Black Heart

    I Think You’re Fat

    In Jacobs article, he wasn’t overly optimistic about Blanton’s version of Radical Honesty either. If we didn’t have a filter between what we say and what we notice in the world, in our body and our thoughts like Blanton advocates, the results would probably be less funny and more consequential than what happened to Jim Carrey in ‘Liar Liar’. He declares:

    “Without lies, marriages would crumble, workers would be fired, egos would be shattered, governments would collapse.” — A.J. Jacobs

    Jacobs found it impossible not to tell a lie during his month-long experiment but did cut down his lying by at least 40%. But unfortunately, he also scared a five-year-old girl, offended numerous people, and spoke about sex and attraction to the point where he felt creepy.

    On the positive, being radically honest did save Jacobs time, resulting in him having to talk less to the people he didn’t want to talk to and do less of the things he didn’t want to do. In addition, it saved him mental energy by not having to choose how much he would lie or massage the truth. It also meant that people were usually more honest with him in return, and he found out that his relationships could withstand more truth-telling than he expected. So, similar to the ‘Liar Liar’ take-away message, Jacobs concluded:

    1. Being radically honest all the time and never having a filter is likely to be inappropriate in many settings and lead to more confrontations with others, and
    2. We could probably benefit by being more authentic, honest and truthful with others, especially in intimate relationships, as secrets tend to weigh us down.

    “There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful. Those who lie, twist life so that it looks tasty to the lazy, brilliant to the ignorant, and powerful to the weak. But lies only strengthen our defects. They don’t teach anything, help anything, fix anything or cure anything. Nor do they develop one’s character, one’s mind, one’s heart or one’s soul.”
    ― José N. Harris

    What is a Lie?

    In his interesting small book ‘Lying’, Sam Harris defines a lie as:

    “Anything that is done to intentionally mislead others when they expect honest communication.” — Sam Harris

    Omission vs Commission

    In ‘Lying’, Sam Harris distinguishes between lies of commission, where the person is active in their intent to deceive, and the more passive act of omission, where the person fails to do something or say something they probably should. Both are deceptive and misleading to the audience who is the target of the action or lack of action.

    Harris believes that lies of commission are a more serious violation of ethics and likely to be more harmful. It is similar to how pushing someone in front of a train is a more serious ethical violation than not saving someone who was hit by a train when you had a chance to do so.

    Harris argues for people to stop all forms of commission and says that we can enhance our world, build trust and improve relationships by always being honest in our communication. While he believes that omission is also lying, he does not think that we can or should eliminate all forms of omission. Instead, he says that “skilful truth-telling” is sometimes required to be both honest and tactful in our words and avoid causing unnecessary harm.

    Let’s look at the following three examples to see the difference between radical honesty, lying and skilful truth-telling.

    SCENARIO ONE: Your husband asks if he looks fat in an outfit that you honestly believe isn’t flattering for him. You could say:

    A) “Yeah. You do look fat. I’d say about 10 pounds overweight. Maybe you should skip dessert for a while.”

    B) “Not at all, sweety. You look amazing!”

    C) “You look nice, but I think I prefer the black jumper and blue jeans I bought you a few weeks ago. Want to try that one and see which one you feel better in?“

    SCENARIO TWO: Your sister and her family are in town for the week and have decided to stay at your place for the whole time because they want to save money. You don’t dislike them, but you’d prefer to be catching up on your work that you are behind on. On night four, she notices you are a little tense and asks if you mind them staying there. You could say:

    A) “I do. I wish you weren’t so tight and could have paid for a hotel if you planned to stay more than three nights. A week is pushing it, and I’d prefer you left.”

    B) “Mind? Are you kidding? I love it. The more, the merrier, I always say! Stay for as long as you’d like.”

    C) “It’s a busy week for me in terms of work, so it wasn’t ideal timing for me. If I seem a bit tense, I’m sorry. I do want to be able to help you guys out because family means a lot to me.“

    SCENARIO THREE: You’ve been unemployed for six months and get a job interview to wait tables at a restaurant in town. You’d ideally prefer an acting job. The restaurant boss asks what your career plans are, as they want to hire someone who will stick around. You could say:

    A) “Well, acting has always been my passion, so this is just a stop-gap job to pay the bills and put food on the table. I couldn’t care less about the job or your restaurant. I want a regular paycheck so that I can pay my rent and bills until I get a real job.”

    B) “I’d love to become a professional waiter. I’ve always thought that providing great service to people is my calling in life, and I plan to stick around for at least five years and show everyone just how amazing your restaurant is. So I’m in it for the long haul.”

    C) “I’m not too sure about what will happen with my career, but at this stage, I’d like to be able to work here. I am available seven days a week and will put in 100% effort whenever I am on shift. I am also willing to learn whatever skills are required, and I can promise that I will give you as much notice as possible if my plans ever do change in the future.“

    In each scenario, A is the radically honest response, B is the active lying or commission response, and C is the skilful truth-telling response. Some truths are unsaid in the C responses, which is technically a lie of omission.

    Many people still believe that omissions are a big no-no:

    “When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.”
    ― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

    “A lie that is half-truth is the darkest of all lies.”
    ― Alfred Tennyson

    “At times to be silent is to lie. You will win because you have enough brute force. But you will not convince. For to convince you need to persuade. And in order to persuade you would need what you lack: Reason and Right.”
    ― Miguel de Unamuno

    “People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I’ve learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one’s reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one’s master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person’s view requires to be faked…The man who lies to the world, is the world’s slave from then on…There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all.”
    ― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

    Is it Ever Helpful to Lie to Ourselves?

    The short answer is yes. It is psychologically healthier to be slightly optimistic rather than entirely realistic. Research indicates that people with depression are often more realistic in their appraisals of situations and other people’s judgments than people without depression. Most “healthy people” believe that they are better drivers, more intelligent, better workers, better parents, and better lovers compared to the average person.

    People lie to themselves because they like to feel that they are important and maybe more unique or special than they are. To prove this point, how would you feel if someone told you that you were just “average”? People also like to see themselves as good people who behave in particular ways for sound reasons. Even people that consistently cause harm to themselves or others.

    Anyone with an unhealthy addiction becomes an expert at lying to themselves and others. This secrecy and dishonesty only further fuel the sense of depression, shame and guilt that people with addiction feel. As long as they are in touch with the truth of the situation and the consequences of their actions. Most addicts are not, however, thanks to in-built defence mechanisms.

    Defence mechanisms are mostly subconscious or unconscious methods that we engage in to protect our ego or positive sense of self. Some of the more famous ones are denial, humour, repression, suppression, rationalisation, intellectualisation, projection, displacement and regression. My personal favourite is reaction formation (click here for a full description of these defence mechanisms and how to identify yours). Most people will deny engaging in defence mechanisms if you ask them directly about it, but they’ll tell you that others do. The reality is we all lie to ourselves at times, and maybe we need to lie to maintain a “healthy” outlook on ourselves, others, the world and our future.

    “The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche

    “I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.”
    ― S.E. Hinton, The Outsiders

    “The best lies about me are the ones I told.”
    ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

    “Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they’re honest about everything.”
    ― Chuck Klosterman

    So What Can We Do?

    The most accurate recommendations that I could find on lying were also some of the simplest:

    “If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today.”

    ― Bruce Lee

    “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.“

    Mark Twain

    I agree with Sam Harris that it is a worthwhile aim to never be actively dishonest. Furthermore, this approach is consistent with one of Jordan Peterson’s better rules from his ’12 Rules for Life’ book — Rule #8: “Tell the truth — or, at least, don’t lie“

    The philosopher Robin Devenport wouldn’t agree with either Harris or Peterson. He states:

    “it is impossible for anyone to be truly honest about many things, as long as he (or she) carries biased perspectives, hidden resentments, unresolved longings, unacknowledged insecurities, or a skewed view of self, to name just some inner human conditions… if absolute honesty is impossible, then we are all liars by nature, at least to a degree.”

    Dan Ariely concludes in his excellent book ‘The Honest Truth about Dishonesty’ that we all tend to lie to everyone, especially ourselves. We lie only as much as we know we can get away with, but not so much that it becomes hard to keep seeing ourselves as good people.

    Devenport continues:

    “Perhaps the best we can do, then, is only to lie in ways that are intended to promote another’s well-being or spare her unnecessary pain, and so further our integrity. The ‘noble liar’ is someone who tries to live by good intentions, even if that means intentionally lying to another person, if doing so is the lesser of two evils…Before we cast too harsh a judgment on the liar, let’s first understand what his motives are.”

    Robin Devenport

    We all need to be as honest as we can, especially with those we love and make sure that it is for a good reason when we lie. We also need to realise that it will never be possible to be 100% honest about everything to anyone, including ourselves, and that is okay. Other people won’t be 100% honest with you or themselves either, which doesn’t make them bad people. It’s what we lie about and why that matters.

  • How to Be Useful to Others, Get Rich, Like People, and Thrive in an Unknowable Future

    How to Be Useful to Others, Get Rich, Like People, and Thrive in an Unknowable Future

    Derek Sivers seems like a pretty cool guy. On his website, he calls himself a musician, producer, circus performer, entrepreneur, TED speaker, and book publisher. He started a company called CDBaby and made millions from this. He then gave the company to charity, resulting in millions of dollars subsequently being used to help up-and-coming musical artists who need some monetary support to try and realise their dreams.

    Sivers also reads a lot of non-fiction books that are focused on psychology, self-help and self-improvement. He has little reviews of these books on his website and gives them a score out of 10, which is great if you are in need of a recommendation of what to read.

    In 2016, Sivers tried to summarise all of the key points that he obtained from reading so many non-fiction books. These key points were put into “do this” directives for him as a personal guide to various aspects of life. The directives were first brought to the public’s attention in his episode of the hugely popular ‘Tim Ferriss Show’ podcast. Because of the demand for the remainder of these lists, they were shared on Derek’s website sivers.org. He also plans on doing more with these directives in the future, including potentially writing his own book.

    Below are his directives, as well as my opinion of them. Directives that I completely agree with will be in green. Directives that I disagree with or that go against scientific research will be in red.

    group hand fist bump

    How to be useful to others:

    Get famous

    • Do everything in public and for the public.
    • The more people you reach, the more useful you are.
    • The opposite is hiding, which is of no use to everyone.

    Get rich

    • Money is neutral proof you’re adding value to people’s lives.
    • So, by getting rich, you’re being useful as a side effect.
    • Once rich, spend the money in ways that are even more useful to others.
    • Then, getting rich is double useful.

    Share strong opinions

    • Strong opinions are very useful to others.
    • Those who were undecided or ambivalent can just adopt your stance.
    • But those who disagree can solidify their stance by arguing against yours.

    Be expensive

    • People given a placebo pill were twice as likely to have their pain disappear when told the pill was expensive.
    • People who paid more for tickets were more likely to attend the performance.
    • People who spend more for a product or service value it more, and get more use out of it.

    people taking group photo

    WHAT I THINK: While there are a lot of famous and rich people who are useful to other people, there are many others who are not. What is true is that if you are famous and rich, you have the potential to have more influence on others and do more positive things, such as Bill and Melinda Gates. You also have the potential to negatively influence more people too, such as Donald Trump. What you do with that power and exposure is up to you.

    You can also make a difference to others without being rich or famous. Don’t underestimate the difference you can make as a teacher or coach or parent or volunteer or community member or any other role where you interact with others on a regular basis. If you charge more, people will value your services more, you will earn more money and then have a greater chance to be useful to others.

    Do try to be informed before sharing your opinions publicly. Look at all the damage Jenny McCarthy did by sharing her opinions on vaccines and autism.

    achievement-bar-business-chart-40140.jpeg

    How to get rich:

    Live where luck strikes

    • Live where everything is happening.
    • Live where the money is flowing.
    • Live where careers are being made.
    • Live where your role models live.
    • Once there, be as in the game as anyone can be.
    • Be right in the middle of everything.

    Say yes to everything

    • Meet everyone.
    • Pursue every opportunity.
    • Nothing is too small. Do it all.
    • Like lottery tickets, you never know which one will win. So the more, the better.
    • Follow-up and keep in touch with everyone.

    Learn the multiplying skills

    • Speaking, writing, psychology, design, conversation, 2nd language, persuasion, programming, meditation/focus.
    • Not pursued on their own, they’re skills that multiply the success of your main pursuit (e.g., A pilot who’s also a great writer and public speaker; A chef with a mastery of psychology, persuasion and design).
    • These skills multiply the results of your efforts, and give you an edge over others in your field.

    Pursue market value, not personal value

    • Do what pays well.
    • Do not be the starving artist, working on things that have great personal value to you, but little market value.
    • Follow the money. It tells you where you’re most valuable.
    • Don’t try to make a career out of everything you love. For example, sex.

    Shamelessly imitate success

    • Imitate the best strategies of your competitors.
    • The market doesn’t care about your personal need to be unique.
    • It’s selfless and humble to use the best ideas regardless of source, to create the best service or product for your clients.
    • Get great at executing other people’s ideas as well as your own.

    Be the owner, not just the inventor

    • It’s tempting to try to be the ideas person, having someone else do the dirty work of making those ideas happen.
    • Ideas don’t make you rich. Great execution of ideas does.
    • A rule of capitalism: whoever takes the most financial risk gets the rewards.
    • The biggest rewards will always go to those that fund it and own it.
    • To get rich, be the owner. Own as close to 100% as possible.

    Benefit from human nature

    • Instead of complaining about the downside of human nature, find ways to benefit from it.
    • Instead of complaining about the rules, just learn the game, then play it.

    bitcoins and u s dollar bills

    WHAT I THINK: To get rich, it is important to know how humans think and act, and to find ways to benefit from this instead of wishing for things to be different. It is useful to see what has worked for others, to learn how to do things in this way first, and then to adapt the best things so that what you are doing is authentically yours. It is important to try to own the product or service you are trying to sell. If you don’t do this, your earning potential will always be capped and will generally always be less than your bosses.

    While it is true that people need to be willing to spend money in order to make money, it’s not just about taking financial risks. There are many broke people out there who have spent too much on bad ideas. Figure out how to test your ideas or products first to see how the market responds before investing too much in it, and don’t be afraid to make changes or start over again if a better opportunity presents itself. Ideally we aren’t just doing something for the money. If we love it, are good at it and it makes a lot, you will be much happier than doing something just because you know that it pays well.

    While it is true that we don’t know which opportunities will necessarily work out, we also can’t make much progress if we are saying yes to everyone and everything. Meet and connect with the right people who are not just out for themselves until you find a great idea. Then pursue this project for a set period until you know if it is likely to make you rich or not. If not, jump ship as soon as you realise it and keep brainstorming and connecting and saying yes until you find your next great idea. Once you have this, learning how to prioritise and say no may be even more important than always saying yes. Same with being in the middle of everything. It’s good until you know which path you want to go down. Once you know, distance from others can be just as good until an idea has been executed.

    The last bit of advice that isn’t here is don’t gamble or invest in get rich quick schemes. Use debit cards instead of credit cards. Don’t buy the most expensive insurance options. Do invest in index funds and other trustworthy stocks regularly and as early as you can and don’t change them around too much. Compounding interest will help you to gain a lot of money over time. But having heaps of money beyond what you need to meet your basic needs isn’t likely to make you a lot happier in the long run.

    flight technology tools astronaut

    How to thrive in an unknowable future:

    Prepare for the worst

    • Since you have no idea what the future may bring, be open to the best and the worst.
    • But the best case scenario doesn’t need your preparation or your attention.
    • So mentally and financially prepare for the worst case, instead.
    • Like insurance, don’t obsess on it. Just prepare, then carry on appreciating the good times.

    Expect disaster

    • Every biography of a successful person has that line, “And then, things took a turn for the worse.”
    • Fully expect that disaster to come to you at any time.
    • Completely assume it’s going to happen, and make your plans accordingly.
    • Not just money, but health, family, freedom. Expect it all to disappear.
    • Besides, you appreciate things more when you know this may be your last time seeing them.

    Own as little as possible

    • Depend on even less.
    • The less you own, the less you’re affected by disaster.

    Choose opportunity, not loyalty

    • Have no loyalty to location, corporation, or your past public statements.
    • Be an absolute opportunist, doing whatever is best for the future in the current situation, unbound by the past.
    • Have loyalty for only your most important human relationships.

    Choose the plan with the most options

    • The best plan is the one that lets you change your plans.
    • Example: renting a house is buying the option to move at any time without losing money in a changing market.

    Avoid planning

    • For maximum options, don’t plan at all.
    • Since you have no idea how the situation or your mood may change in the future, wait until the last moment to make each decision.

    aerial view of city with lights during night

    WHAT I THINK: It’s good to be creative, flexible, adaptable and open to change. These characteristics will become even more important in the future, because change is likely to continue to happen at an even faster and faster pace. People back in the 14th century kind of knew what to expect by the 15th century, but most people living now have no idea what life is likely to look like in the 22nd century. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t plan, and it definitely doesn’t mean that we should only plan for the worst. Life has continued to get better and better in so many ways, and it is likely to continue to get better in many ways too. It doesn’t mean it can’t get worse, but we shouldn’t all become doomsday preppers or not buy anything in case disaster strikes. Try to only buy the things you need that will help add value to your life.

    Especially if you have kids, stability is good, so don’t be afraid to set up roots. Buy a house, start a business where you live, and develop friendships with other people in your neighbourhood. Some people may leave, businesses may collapse, marriages may crumble, but research still indicates that people have more satisfied relationships if they get married than if they live together but don’t get married. Married men are also both happier and healthier than single men. Divorce negatively impacts kids, especially if there is a lot of conflict, and learning how to overcome difficulties is better than always avoiding things or running away as soon as things get tough or another seemingly desirable option presents itself. We always think the grass is greener on the other side, but when we get there it’s often not as shiny or as different as we first thought (or better than we’ve previously had).

    Essentially, having plans and making commitments is better than having none, as long as you are also open to making tweaks and even big changes if things really aren’t working out. Research indicates that having too many options makes it too hard to choose and not making a decision can be really stressful and both physically and emotionally draining. Research also indicates that we tend to become happier with our choices over time once we have made them, as long as we commit to our choices and don’t keep trying to doubt ourselves or leave all the other doors open too.

    four women standing on mountain

    How to like people:

    Assume it’s their last day

    • Everyone talks about living like it’s your last day on earth.
    • Instead, to appreciate someone, live like it’s their last day on earth.
    • Treat them accordingly. Try to fulfill their dreams for the day.
    • Really listen to them. Learn from them.

    Be who’d you’d be when alone

    • You could live in a crowd, pleasing only others.
    • You could live in solitude, pleasing only yourself.
    • But ideally, when in a crowd, be the same person you’d be when alone.

    Assume men and women are the same

    • Men think women are so different from them.
    • Women think men are so different from them.
    • But the differences among men and differences among women are far greater than the differences between men and women.
    • So, counteract your tendency to exaggerate the differences.

    Always make new friends

    • As you grow old and change, old friends and family will be unintentionally invested in maintaining you as you were before.
    • Let go of people that don’t welcome and encourage your change.

    Avoid harming the relationship

    • For long-term relationship success, it’s more effective than seeking the positive.
    • A friendship that may take years to develop can be ruined by a single action.

    Act calm and kind

    • Regardless of how you feel

    Don’t try to change them

    • unless they asked you to.
    • Don’t teach a lesson.
    • Stop trying to change people who don’t think they have a problem.

    Find wisdom in your opponents

    • Really engage with those who think opposite of you.
    • You already know the ideas common on your own side.

    Purge the vampires

    • Get rid of people that drain you, that don’t make you feel good about yourself.
    • They make you hate all people.

    men s white button up dress shirt

    WHAT I THINK: It is great to really try to appreciate others, and understanding that some people may die soon is a helpful way to ensure that we don’t take others for granted. The Tail End by Tim Urban is an awesome blog post that nicely highlights how little time we actually have left with the important people in our lives. We should try to make the most of our time with them while we still have it so we don’t regret it later.

    We can learn a lot from others if we ask them about their life and experiences and beliefs and really listen, even if they have different ways of looking at things to us. But we shouldn’t try to give advice or teach lessons to others unless someone has asked or agreed to it first (or they’re reading your blog post!).

    While it is good to minimise how much time we spend with people that drain us or make us feel bad or don’t accept us for who we are, it is also important to try and maintain our old friendships too. Having both old friends and family to keep us grounded and new friends to help us learn and grow is having the best of both worlds.

    Men and women are different in some ways, and it is important to understand how and why. Of course we should still see each other as individuals and not just a gender, but this is the same with people who come from a different culture, ethnicity, nationality, religion and any other group that is different to yours. If we can understand group norms, it can help us to understand others a little bit better, but we should also be willing to change our perceptions of others based on what they say and do, rather than hold onto rigid, unhelpful or even discriminatory stereotypes.

    While it’s not possible to always be 100% ourselves around others, the more authentic we can be the more we will feel energised around others and connected with them. Similarly, we shouldn’t always act calm if we really are upset or angry or worried and need to express our feelings or what we need. What we can do is express this in a way that is still kind and considerate so that you don’t unnecessarily burn any bridges.

    Thanks for reading! For more advice on a good life, feel free to check out some of my other articles, especially: Can We Develop Our Own Guide to Better Living?; 10 Bits of Advice I’d Give My 10-Year-Old Self; Ten Traits of Highly Successful People; 25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • The Mental Health Impact of COVID-19

    The Mental Health Impact of COVID-19

    Initially, the pandemic had a significant and negative impact on our mental health. Here is some data that looked at self-reported levels of distress, anxiety, and depression across the USA in 2020:

    As you can see, anxiety, depression and distress all spiked in March and April but remained relatively consistent from June 2020 to January 2021. 

    By September 2020, the average mental health of all people in the UK was still 2.2% worse than was predicted if there had been no pandemic. However, it wasn’t anything like the initial rate of people’s mental health being 7.9% worse at the start of the pandemic. 

    The pandemic has not impacted everyone’s mental health in the same way. If we look at the data of people surveyed in the UK in both April and September 2020, more than one in five people had their mental health significantly impacted at both time points. However, both women and younger people were affected more by COVID-19 than older men:

    There is also some evidence that suggests that ethnic minorities and those with pre-existing mental health conditions were impacted more severely by the pandemic. Unfortunately, these impacts only further exaggerate many of the already existing mental health inequalities. 

    Lockdowns didn’t seem to worsen people’s mental health as severely as people imagined. Similar to what Daniel Gilbert said in his surprising book, ‘Stumbling on Happiness’, we can adjust more to whatever happens to us the longer it goes on. If something positive happens to us, we imagine that we will feel way better for way longer. But eventually, we get used to it, and our happiness levels return close to what they initially were. On the other hand, if something terrible happens to us, we imagine it will impact our mental health way worse and for way longer than it typically does. By June 2020, many people had already found their new equilibrium. 

    By comparing internet searches before and during lockdowns, Google searches increased the most substantially for boredom. Statistically significant increases also occurred for loneliness, worry and sadness. Other studies had also found increased searches for psychological stress, fear and death before lockdowns started. These searches then stabilised at the start of the lockdowns before reducing as the lockdowns continued. 

    Another finding that may surprise many people is that searches fell for divorce and suicide once countries imposed lockdowns.

    I’m not sure if this is true, but I have heard that suicide rates also decrease during wars. So even though many people feared that lockdowns would increase suicidal ideation, I think that sometimes wars and pandemics give us a reason to feel sad. stressed or worried. Understanding why people feel the way they do and why they have to do what they are doing gives them insight and meaning and hope that things will get better in the future. Which can reduce the risk that someone will want to die by suicide instead of increasing it. 

    Possible future mental health consequences of the COVID-19 pandemic

    Although most countries are now out of their most severe lockdowns and many people are returning to a new sense of normalcy, we are not entirely in the clear yet. 

    The following graph by Banks, Fancourt and Xu in Chapter Five of the 2021 World Happiness Report indicates that we are now in phases three and four:

    The COVID-19 pandemic has brought on more awareness of the need for mental health treatment worldwide.

    However, there is still insufficient mental health support in many places. One of the latest figures I saw from the World Health Organisation suggested that somewhere between 75 and 95% of people in need of mental health services in low- and middle-income countries cannot access adequate mental health support. 

    Even where I was working in Melbourne, Australia, in 2020, there was a shortage of psychologists who could take on new clients because the demand for mental health services was so high. 

    Therefore, countries need to find new ways to increase access to evidence-based mental health treatments and support. It is especially true for disadvantaged or discriminated against groups, as they are likely most impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic. 

    Many of the long-term consequences of the COVID-19 pandemic are still not fully known. People have died, jobs have gone, businesses have closed, products have become harder to find or more expensive. Inflation and interest rates may have to increase to keep up with the printing of money and the countries’ spending during the pandemic so far. 

    There are lots of uncertain things about the future. Each of these things may come with potentially negative mental health impacts too. I am probably less cynical and more hopeful than the graph above shows about how people respond over time, but no one can fully predict what lies ahead. 

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • What Are the Virtues and Faults of Your Personality Style?

    What Are the Virtues and Faults of Your Personality Style?

    The five factor personality model has been researched and written about extensively. If you have never taken a Big Five Aspects Scale before, you can find out what your results are for under $10 at the Understand Myself website. A free version called the IPIP-NEO can also be found here.

    black psychologist with african american client

    Main Findings Based on the Five-Factor Personality Model

    Judge, Heller & Mount (2002) found that highly conscientious people are most satisfied with their job (.26 correlation), followed by highly extraverted people (.25 correlation), then highly agreeable people (.17 correlation), then those who are high on openness to experience (.02 correlation) People high on neuroticism were negatively correlated with job satisfaction (-.29 correlation). My introversion is the only aspect that may negatively impact how much I enjoy a job.

    For academic performance, Poropat (2009) found that agreeableness, conscientiousness and openness to experience correlate significantly to academic performance. Conscientiousness was related to academic performance in a way that was largely independent of intelligence. My personality style likely helped me to do well in school and complete eight years of university studies.

    For intimate relationship satisfaction, Malouff, Thorsteinsson, Schutte, Bhullar and Rooke (2009) found that low neuroticism, high agreeableness, high conscientiousness and high extraversion were all correlated with greater relationship satisfaction. These variables did not vary significantly from men to women or from unmarried to married individuals. Unfortunately, my introversion and low enthusiasm in particular make it a bit harder for me to be satisfied in intimate relationships.

    For citizenship, Chiaburu, Oh, Berry, Li, and Gardner (2011) found that people that are low in neuroticism, high in extraversion and high in openness to experience are more likely to engage in more individual, organization and change-oriented citizenship. Again, not being too extraverted and enthusiastic holds me back a little here.

    For occupational type, Barrick, Mount and Gupta (2006) found that extraverts are most likely to enter an enterprising career (.41 correlation). People that are high on openness to experience are most likely to enter an artistic career (.39 correlation). Some say therapy is more art than science, which may indicate why I have chosen this over a career in research.

    For clinical disorders, Malouff, Thorsteinsson and Schutte (2004) found that psychological disorders are more closely linked with high neuroticism, low conscientiousness, low agreeableness and low extraversion. Healthy populations in comparison to clinical populations show higher levels of extraversion and lower levels of neuroticism. Again, my introversion puts me at a greater risk.

    For alcohol abuse, Malouff, Thorsteinsson, Rooke and Schutte (2007) found that people that are low on conscientiousness, low on agreeableness and high on neuroticism are more likely to have difficulties with alcohol. These individuals are less likely to improve through treatment. Another meta-analytic finding by Malouff, Thorsteinsson and Schutte (2006) found that these three factors are also significantly related to smoking prevalence. Never smoked, but have drunk more than I should have at times. If I want to cut down, my personality style should help me.

    For physical activity, Sutin and colleagues (2016) found that lower neuroticism and higher conscientiousness is associated with more physical activity and less sedentary behaviour. Higher extraversion and more openness to experience is also associated with more physical activity ,and that these variables don’t change much based on age or sex. Consequently, being a bit introverted is the only factor that lets me down.

    For workplace harassment, highly neurotic people are most likely to be exposed to workplace harassment (.25 correlation), with highly extraverted and conscientious people least likely to be harassed (.10 correlation). I thought Susan Cain said it was good to be an introvert in her book ‘Quiet’, but there doesn’t seem to be much that is positively linked with Introversion?

    black and white people bar men

    What About Individual Faults and Virtues?

    Even though across the population as a whole there seems to be benefits to being extraverted, agreeable, conscientious, open to experience and not neurotic, there are advantages and disadvantages to each trait, particularly at the extremes.

    Extremely sociable, extraverted people can be dominant and impulsive, while introverted, quiet people can easily become isolated and depressed.

    Extremely open people can be scattered and overwhelmed by their own thoughts and ideas, while closed-minded people may become narrow and inflexible.

    Exceptionally conscientious people can be obsessive about order, judgmental and rigid, while their more carefree counterparts may be messy, undisciplined and careless.

    People very high in emotional stability may engage in risky, dangerous behaviour, while those who are more neurotic can become so preoccupied by anxiety and pain that they are unable to function.

    Finally, extremely agreeable people may never stand up for themselves, while those who are too disagreeable can be aggressive, callous and bullying.

    To find out your individual faults and virtues on each of the five personality factors, the Self Authoring program can help you to clarify your own personal traits and help you to clarify what you would like to strengthen and improve. Below are my results:

    Extraversion/Introversion Faults

    • Can spend too much money
    • Keep in the background
    • Lose opportunities because I am too isolated
    • Am too quiet around strangers
    • Find it difficult to approach others
    • Bottle up my feelings
    • Feel drained by social interactions
    • Have a social circle that is too small

    Extraversion/Introversion Virtues

    • Feel comfortable around people
    • Don’t mind being the center of attention
    • Can take charge and lead
    • Am skilled in handling social situations
    • Am often happy
    • Can listen well
    • Do not always talk about myself
    • Enjoy time in natural surroundings
    • Let other people have the spotlight
    • Think before I act

    Agreeable/Assertive Faults

    • Avoid conflict even when it is necessary
    • Will sacrifice my own feelings for the comfort of others
    • Can bottle up my feelings until I become resentful
    • Am polite to a fault
    • Trust people too easily
    • Can be detached and cold when others are hurt and upset

    Agreeable/Assertive Virtues

    • Trust people
    • Am interested in people
    • Feel others’ emotions
    • Inquire genuinely about others’ well-being
    • Know how to comfort others
    • Make people feel at ease
    • Am a good peacemaker
    • Am aware that malevolence exists in the world

    Conscientiousness/Carelessness Faults

    • Get obsessed with details and lose the big picture
    • Cannot stand to be late for an appointment
    • Feel that I am being unproductive if I relax
    • Believe that I have to be flawless
    • Can be contemptuous of other people and of myself
    • Find it difficult to get down to work
    • Neglect my duties
    • Frequently make excuses
    • Am sometimes willing to bend the truth to get out of an obligation
    • Feel unmotivated to complete my work

    Conscientiousness/Carelessness Virtues

    • Have a very long attention span and can work without being distracted
    • Do things according to a plan
    • Strive for efficiency and economy
    • Pay attention to details
    • Am extremely reliable
    • Always arrive at appointments early or on time
    • Am very goal-oriented
    • Do what I say I am going to do
    • Know how to go with the flow
    • Don’t waste my time thinking about little details

    Emotional Stability/Low Stress Tolerance Faults

    • Am sometimes not afraid of things I should be afraid of
    • Don’t appear to learn as well from my mistakes as others do
    • Don’t pay enough attention to costs and potential future dangers 
    • Often take counterproductive or unnecessary risks
    • Blow little things out of proportion
    • Let my fears stop me from doing things I want to do

    Emotional Stability/Low Stress Tolerance Virtues

    • Am difficult to offend
    • Am in control of my emotions
    • Calm down quickly when I do get upset
    • Seldom get disturbed or upset
    • Am rarely incautious
    • Am a cautious, careful person
    • Don’t rush into things before I feel comfortable
    • Am good at identifying the risks in new situations

    Openness/Traditionalism Faults

    • Pursue too many activities at the same time
    • Am interested in so many things that I don’t know what to focus on
    • Have a hard time planning for the future because I am interested in everything
    • Have a hard time making up my mind because I can always see all the sides of an argument
    • Am so interested in creative activities that it is hard to concentrate on things that are practical
    • Have had a hard time forming a clear identity
    • Have done crazy things just because I was curious about what might happen

    Openness/Traditionalism Virtues

    • Am quick to understand things
    • Can handle a lot of information
    • Catch on to things quickly
    • Am always learning new things
    • Spend time reflecting on things
    • Can always see new possibility in things
    • See the value in tradition and custom
    • Am resistant to radical, dangerous thoughts
    group of young multiethnic cheerful colleagues having party after workday

    So, as you can see above, your personality style is never all good or all bad. I’m sure that even if you are introverted, disagreeable, careless, neurotic and closed to new experiences, there will still be some virtues associated with your personality style. I also think that, even though it may be more of a challenge, it is still possible to find the right career or job and the right relationship and friendships for you.

    You may not be the right fit for everyone or everything, but no one is. What is more important is to first try to understand yourself, change what you would like to and are able to, accept what you do not want to or cannot change, and then find the places and people that love and appreciate you for who you are.

    Happy New Year, and all the best for 2021!

  • Feeling Burnt Out? What Would Happen if We Worked Less?

    Feeling Burnt Out? What Would Happen if We Worked Less?

    In the 18th Century, employees worked up to 16 hours per day. Everyone knew this was unsustainable and led to severe burnout and horrible quality of life for the working class. Then in 1856, the 8 hours movement began in Victoria.

    The Labor unions fought hard for the idea of 888. They wanted 8 hours for sleep, 8 hours for work, and 8 hours for family, rest and play. This statue was erected at the top end of Russell Street in Melbourne in 1903, meaning that they had achieved this goal for most people sometime between 1856 and 1903.

    Eight Hour Day Monument (Melbourne): UPDATED 2020 All You Need to ...
    Eight Hour Day Monument (Melbourne): UPDATED 2020 All You Need to ...

    In the US, railroad workers began to work eight-hour shifts in 1916. Ford Motor Company followed suit in 1926 when they cut the working hours of their employees to 8 hours per day while doubling wages. The reduced work hours and better pay led to a happier and more committed workforce, and productivity increased. More leisure time and money also led to more workers buying more stuff (including Ford cars), which the government realised was better for raising GDP. Other companies also discovered that workers were more focused and productive when they worked less. So an eight-hour workday subsequently became the new norm.

    Since then, the working hours have begun to creep back up again, especially in the US. Among people employed full-time, the average employee works 47 hours per week. 40% of full-time employees now work over 50 hours per week, with only 8% working less than 40 hours. So much for 8-hour workdays being the standard.

    The Negative Consequences of Long Work Hours

    Research has shown:

    • Working more than 10 hours per day can increase your risk of cardiovascular issues by 60%
    • Regularly working more than 10 hours a day can also increase your risk of stroke by 29%.
    • Working more than 11 hours a day leads to increased depression risk.
    • Working 12 hours days increases your risk of making mistakes at work by 23%.
    • In companies where the average weekly work time is under 43.5 hours per week, barely any fatigue-related problems are found.
    • In companies where the average weekly work time is between 43.5 hours and 46 hours, minor fatigue problems are detected.
    • In companies where the average weekly work time is over 46.5 hours, severe fatigue-related issues are seen.
    • The rate of relationship problems in those working 50-60 hours per week is 10%
    • The percentage of relationship problems in those working more than 60 hours per week is 30%.
    • Long working hours are linked to poorer mental health and sleep quality.
    • Long working hours are also linked with increased smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and weight gain.
    • Long working hours are related to lower job performance, as well as less job satisfaction and lower overall life satisfaction.

    What if We Did Work Less?

    Six Hour Workday infographic

    The above infographic by Ohio University highlights why we need to work less. If the top 10% of employees in terms of productivity work in 52-minute blocks followed by 15- to 20-minute breaks, they can only do seven 52-minute work blocks daily. That is 7 x 52 = 364 minutes of work per day. That means we shouldn’t be putting in more than 6 hours and 4 minutes of work per day.

    We also should be taking 1 hour and 56 minutes of breaks spread out across the day if we want to be at our most productive. That’s six breaks that are 19 minutes and 20 seconds long, or five 15-minute breaks and one 41-minute lunch break. As the infographic says, eight-hour days are only productive when we take sufficient breaks, and few people do.

    A shorter workday is an alternative for people or organisations that don’t want to take regular breaks. However, the average person is only productive for 2 hours and 53 minutes daily. So what would happen if we reduced the workday to only 6 hours per day and paid people the same amount?

    For a 6-hour workday to be effective, it would be necessary for companies to make it harder for their employees to waste time. Putting a block on news and social media sites would give the average person 1 hour and 49 minutes of their typical workday back. With the extra time after work, these employees could check the news and social media if they wanted to. If the average employee is 20% happier and healthier with six-hour workdays, they will be less likely to look for other jobs.

    Microsoft has also recently experimented with four-day workweeks in Japan. When workers took the Friday and the weekend off, productivity went up 40%. Only 10% of the staff who tried this weren’t more productive overall. They also cut meeting times down to a maximum of 30-minutes each. I’m sure that this helped as well.

    When other companies have tried four-day workweeks, they manage to produce 25% more output with the same size staff. They also find it easier to fill vacant positions when they arise, as more people like the four-day-a-week full-time job than a typical five-day-a-week role.

    Conclusion

    Since returning to Melbourne and full-time work, I have noticed that much of my stress and fatigue has returned. Finding the right work/life balance isn’t easy, especially with the uncertainty and anxiety created by the COVID-19 pandemic. I’m grateful to have full-time work doing what I love to do, but working in a way that isn’t harmful to my health and well-being is still a work in progress for me.

    However you decide to manage your workload, please understand that working long hours without regular breaks is not sustainable. We can address this by working fewer hours in a day or fewer days in a week. Or you can merely get up from the desk and walk around a bit more when you notice that your productivity and energy levels are dropping. Getting outside for lunch and away from screens can also help. As can taking some pressure off of ourselves.

    Working hard and being busy are seen as status symbols in Western society too frequently. Stepping out of this culture and into “island time” for 18 months was one of the best things I could have done for my fatigue, happiness and overall well-being.

    The biggest question I still have is whether or not we can learn from our experiences and what the research says. Again, it seems counter-intuitive, but working less could help us be a healthier, happier, and more productive society.

  • How to Improve Your Motivation

    How to Improve Your Motivation

    People often ask me how they can improve their motivation. Generally, I tell them that there are two big motivators in life. One is your values, or what is most important to you in your life. The other is fear, or trying to prevent the worst from happening.

    Research by Tversky and Kahneman found that losses loom much larger than gains. This means that fear is usually better for motivation than values because we are more willing to try to avoid something terrible than we are to create something good. This bias is one of the main reasons your direct ancestors survived long enough to reproduce. So without their loss aversion, you may not be here today.

    The problem with only using fear for motivation is that it triggers our fight-or-flight response. In addition, it increases our cortisol levels if we activate this response too often, which isn’t so great for our mental and physical health in the long run.

    Being motivated by our values, on the other hand, is very rewarding. We aren’t just in survival mode. We are creating the life we want, and it feels enriching.

    Intrinsic vs extrinsic values

    Values are not the same thing as goals. Instead, they are guiding principles for life. They help you identify whether you are on the right track in your life or not. If you are unsure which values are most important to you, this clarification exercise can help.

    The biggest problem with values is that it can be hard to know why your most important values are essential to you. Is it because society says they are? Or movies and TV shows? Or marketing companies? Or is it because your family or religion says so? Or just because it feels essential deep down?

    Research has found that we are much more likely to experience motivation when motivated by our intrinsic rather than our extrinsic values. Extrinsic means something outside of us. Intrinsic implies something within us.

    I remember back when I was doing my doctoral studies. I was not on a scholarship for the first six months and was studying for free. Then I was placed on an academic scholarship and was paid to learn. Being paid to study (an extrinsic factor) diminished my intrinsic motivation to study and made it harder overall. Before receiving the scholarship, I thought it would have been the opposite and that getting paid to learn would have helped me remain focused and finish my research even quicker. It did not.

    Professional sports players who start getting paid to play can feel the same way. Growing up, you couldn’t keep them off the court or field. They just loved the game. But now, it’s a job. Some NBA or NFL players refuse to play unless they get more money or are playing for a contending team. Their intrinsic motivation has become overshadowed by their million-dollar salaries.

    Volunteering in Vanuatu was the opposite. Because I was no longer getting paid to offer mental health support across the country, I could fall in love with psychology and therapy all over again. I was helping people to improve their mental health and the overall quality of their lives. I felt connected with my essential values and experienced lots of motivation.

    Three Intrinsic Ways To Build Motivation

    In his excellent book ‘Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us’, the author Daniel H. Pink says that there are three ways to increase your intrinsic motivation:

    1. Autonomy

    • What do you want to do?
    • Why do you want to do it?
    • Is it for others or for you?
    • If it is for others, do you feel forced to do it, or is it because it is important to you?
    • If it’s important to you, what personal value is being highlighted as very important for you:
      • Dutifulness?
      • Obedience or Loyalty?
      • Altruism?
      • Empathy?
      • Sympathy?
      • Being supportive?
      • Being kind or compassionate?
      • Not being indebted to others?
      • Equality or fairness?
      • Something else?

    2. Mastery

    • What skills do you want to build?
    • What do you enjoy learning?
    • What areas interest you?
    • What comes easily to you that doesn’t come easily to others?

    3. Purpose

    • What are you passionate about?
    • What is personally meaningful to you?
    • If you didn’t have to earn money, what would you do?
    • What would you want your epitaph or tombstone to say?
    • What would you want to hear someone say at your 80th birthday during a talk about you and the person you have been?
    • What do you want your legacy to be?
    • What do you want to add to the world?
    • How would you like to be remembered?
    • If the world was going to end in 2 years, and you couldn’t do anything about it or tell anyone else about it, would you do anything different to what you are doing now?
    • If your kids didn’t listen to what you said and only looked at what you did, would you change your daily actions or what you do? If so, what would you do differently?

    Is FEAR Holding You Back?

    Let’s say you know what you want to change but still struggle to do it. Perhaps FEAR is holding you back from making the changes you want to. FEAR is an acronym Russ Harris created in his books The Happiness Trap’ and ‘The Confidence Gap’.

    FEAR stands for:

    F = fusion with unhelpful thoughts

    If you are fusing with unhelpful thoughts, you need to practice defusion skills to let go of unhelpful thoughts and increase your motivation. Defusion techniques involve recognising thoughts, images, and memories for what they are. They are just words and pictures. You then allow them to come and go as they please, without fighting them, running from them or giving them more attention than they deserve. Google search Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) defusion exercises and try some until you find one that allows you to let go of unhelpful thoughts. My favourite activity is on the app ‘CBT-I coach’ in the ‘quiet your mind’ section called ‘observe thoughts – clouds in the sky’.

    E = expectations that are unrealistic

    If you have unrealistic expectations, review your goals and write the new ones down to improve your motivation. Break these goals down into smaller steps, give yourself more time to achieve them and allow yourself to make mistakes. For example, you are hoping to obtain seven hours of sleep per night, and you only sleep five hours currently. Start with improving your total sleep time by an average of 10 minutes over the next week. Once you achieve this, you can then aim for another 10 minutes. Within 12 weeks, you could get to where you want to be, so try to take the long-term approach instead of looking for a super quick fix. It is okay if you do not reach your sleep goal in one night. Just stick to your plan, and do not give up until at least two weeks have passed. Everyone has a terrible sleep from time to time, so it is important to keep realistic short and long-term goals to ensure your motivation remains high.

    A = avoidance of discomfort

    If you avoid discomfort, challenge yourself to improve your motivation by taking action. Remember that gradual exposure is the most effective intervention for any anxiety disorder, including post-traumatic stress disorder. With anxiety, we want to avoid it, but this only keeps the fear alive as our brain tells us that what we are avoiding is dangerous. So instead, we must challenge ourselves to do what we want and make room for our emotions in these moments. By doing this, we will generally realise that doing what we feared was not nearly as bad or uncomfortable as we imagined. Try expansion ACT exercises or a body scan meditation to increase your ability to sit with painful or difficult emotions. The CBT-I coach app has a body scan meditation under the ‘quiet your mind’ section that I recommend checking out.

    R = remoteness from values

    If you are not living consistently with your most important values, reconnect with them to increase your motivation. Then see if your plan or desired outcome will help you live more consistently with your most important values. If your plan will, put the list of your top values in a visible place to remind yourself why you are currently doing what you are doing. If your plan will not, change it to be more consistent with what is most important to you.

    Remember, change is generally always hard but worth it if it will help us live the life we want to be living in the end. Remembering why you are doing something is also the key to improving your motivation to push through when things get tough.

    Good luck with improving your motivation, and do let me know if these strategies help!

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Things You Can Do to Stay Mentally Healthy During Self-Isolation

    Things You Can Do to Stay Mentally Healthy During Self-Isolation

    These past few months have been wild and not in a good way.

    On February 4th, I partially dislocated my knee while playing basketball in Port Vila, Vanuatu. It hurt—a lot.

    On the 8th of February, I was medically relocated back to Australia, where an MRI confirmed the extent of the damage. I had ruptured my ACL, torn my meniscus, injured my MCL and fractured my tibia. Surgery was recommended, but the waiting list to see a specialist was lengthy. I worried that I would need to terminate my volunteer role as a Mental Health Specialist at Vanuatu’s Ministry of Health early. Fortunately, a private medical specialist said that I could go on a public waitlist for surgery and medically cleared me to return to Vanuatu to finish my role. I was still in pain, but I could walk and work, and the surgery could wait.

    On March 7th, I returned to Port Vila and was super happy to see everyone again and put my psychological knowledge and skills towards reducing mental illness in Vanuatu.

    Around this time, the number of Coronavirus cases began to escalate worldwide. Quickly. Before I had even re-adjusted to life in Port Vila again, the Australian Volunteer Program (AVP) informed us that the program was being suspended worldwide. All volunteers would be sent home in the next one to three weeks.

    On the 16th of March, the program told us that we would need to pack up all our stuff and book a flight to return to Australia before the 31st of March. Then, on the 19th of March at 6:30 pm, AVP told us that we needed to leave the following day. After living in Vanuatu for 18 months, I did not even have a full day to pack and say a proper goodbye to everyone there, including dear friends, coworkers and patients. It was extremely tough and something that I am continuing to try and process both cognitively and emotionally.

    Now that I am back in Melbourne and self-isolating, I suddenly have a lot of free time, no job and no demands except to stay on my property and away from other people.

    Many of the things that we are all being asked to do during the pandemic are almost the exact opposite of what psychologists would normally recommend for people to do. This is especially the case for people with a diagnosable mental illness, such as depression or anxiety.

    For depression, not doing things that we have previously enjoyed and isolating ourselves from others are two of the biggest traps that we can fall into. For anxiety, the biggest trap is continued avoidance of the things that we are afraid of.

    A common psychological intervention for depression with a lot of scientific evidence supporting it is behavioural activation. This means that we push ourselves to do the things that we know are likely to be good for us, even if we don’t feel like doing them. For anxiety, the most empirically supported intervention is gradual exposure or slowly challenging ourselves to face our fears, especially with situations that feel like life or death situations to us but are actually pretty safe. Once we begin doing these things again, we realise that they are actually more enjoyable and less scary than our minds tell us. Over time, it can become easier and easier to do these (and other) activities.

    What about Coronavirus?

    Regardless of where you are in the world, the most important thing that we can do for the physical safety of ourselves and our loved ones is to follow the directives from your government about COVID-19, and the trusted health organisations that are helping to determine these directives in your area. If you are being asked to self-isolate, don’t go outside your property. If you are being asked to work from home and you can, please do, unless you are considered an essential service and needed out in the community. Wash your hands with soap and warm water for 20 seconds regularly, or use a hand sanitiser if you have access to them. Don’t touch your face and cough into your elbow and away from others. Practice social distancing and stay at least 1.5 metres from others. Don’t hang out in groups or touch or shake hands or hug and kiss others. Wear a mask if you are worried that you have any symptoms. Call the emergency numbers or hotlines in your region if you are concerned about your symptoms. Ask medical professionals about what you should do rather than just turn up to unannounced clinics or hospitals.

    Hopefully, most of you know the relevant recommendations in your area by now and why they are important to help flatten the curve. If we can all do our part, it will help reduce how overwhelmed our medical facilities become with severe or critical COVID-19 cases, which will reduce the overall fatality rate.

    How Can We Mentally Cope?

    The current Coronavirus pandemic does seem to be having a huge psychological impact on people across the globe. Many people were in denial initially or trying to minimise the seriousness of the virus or the impact that they thought it would have. However, once it began to spread more, people began to feel scared, afraid, fearful, anxious, worried, nervous, panicky and overwhelmed about what was going on in the present and what may come in the future. Others report feeling sad, shocked, despondent, hopeless, helpless, or in grief about what they have already lost and what they can do about it at the moment. Or they feel annoyed, frustrated, mad, or angry about what has happened, how it has happened, and the decisions that governments and others are making to try and slow down the spread of the virus.

    It is a challenging time for everyone.

    During my first few days of self-isolation, I think I was still recovering from the panic associated with trying to pack up my life and leave Vanuatu in less than 24 hours. I was in shock, maybe, or denial. For the first three days, I didn’t even unpack my bag. I just communicated with friends and family, read some books, worried, played video games, watched Netflix, ate and slept.

    By day four, which was yesterday, enough was enough. So I pulled out a notebook and decided that I would try the Ivy Lee Productivity Method. This 100-year-old method to boost productivity is quite simple, with only five steps:

    By figuring out my top 6 priorities and writing them down, I managed to feel a lot better and more in control, even before I started doing the tasks. I also managed to fly through the tasks and feel productive again for the first time since being back in Melbourne. I resumed my daily meditation practice using the ‘Waking Up’ app. I unpacked my bags and tidied my room. I switched my SIM card in my phone back to my Australian one. I did some much-needed paperwork online and did a weights workout while watching some TV. It was a good day.

    If you are feeling overwhelmed or unproductive at the moment, try the Ivy Lee Productivity Method. Just make sure that you only put six items on the list, and do the most important things first.

    Having a schedule or consistent routine is also something that I would highly recommend during this pandemic. Work and school often provide this for us, but you need to create this yourself if you are at home 24/7. A helpful routine might consist of:

    • trying to sleep and wake at relatively consistent times,
    • not spending too little or too much time in bed (7–9 hours for adults, more for children),
    • regularly eating with lots of vegetables and not too much junk food or sweets,
    • staying hydrated by drinking enough water and minimising consumption of alcohol, nicotine and illicit drugs,
    • communicating via phone or the internet with at least one friend or family member daily,
    • doing some form of strength training or cardiovascular exercise for 20–30 minutes a day, even if you are confined to a single room,
    • having some daily tasks that give you a sense of achievement, engagement or mastery, and
    • getting fresh air and sunlight regularly if you can do this without breaking any restrictions in your area.

    The more you can build these things into your daily routine, the greater the chance of maintaining or improving your mental health. Having some activities that we enjoy each day and look forward to doing can also really help.

    Which Activities Can Help?

    If you still aren’t exactly sure what you can do from day to day at the moment, a pleasant activities list or pleasant activity schedule can help. There are many different ones available online for free. Still, the one I will use for this article is the ‘Fun Activities Catalogue’ by the Centre for Clinical Interventions in Western Australia.

    Out of the 365 activities listed, there are some that I can definitely not do while in self-quarantine, including going ice-skating, going out to dinner, socialising in person, flying a plane, scuba diving, going on a tour or to the zoo or movies, or playing sport.

    What is surprising, though, is just how many items I still can do. Read the list of self-quarantine friendly activities below, and rank on a scale from 1 to 5 how much you think you would enjoy doing the task if you were to do it. If you can’t do that particular item where you are living, just skip it. For this exercise, 1 = I would hate to do this activity, 2 = I wouldn’t really like doing this activity 3 = doing the activity would be okay, 4 = it would be pretty fun to do this activity, and 5 = I would love to do this activity!

    • Spending time in my backyard
    • Watching the clouds drift by
    • Debating with someone online or over the phone
    • Painting my nails
    • Scheduling a day with nothing to do
    • Giving positive feedback about something (e.g. writing a letter or email about good service)
    • Feeding the birds
    • Spending an evening with good friends online or on the phone
    • Making jams or preserves
    • Getting dinner delivered by a restaurant and having them drop it at your doorstep
    • Buying gifts online
    • Having a political discussion online or over the phone
    • Repairing things around the house
    • Washing my car
    • Watching TV, videos
    • Sending a loved one a card in the mail
    • Baking something
    • Taking a bath
    • Having a video call with someone who lives far away
    • Organising my wardrobe
    • Playing musical instruments
    • Lighting scented candles, oils or incense
    • Spending time alone
    • Exercising
    • Putting up a framed picture or artwork
    • Looking up at the stars at night
    • Birdwatching from my backyard or window
    • Doing something spontaneously in the house
    • Going on a picnic in the backyard
    • Having a warm drink
    • Massaging hand cream into my hands
    • Fantasising about the future
    • Laughing
    • Clearing my email inbox
    • Getting out of debt/paying debts
    • Looking at old photo albums or photos on my computer or Facebook
    • Exploring Google Earth
    • Walking around my house and yard
    • Researching a topic of interest
    • Redecorating
    • Donating money to a cause
    • Smelling a flower
    • Opening the curtains and blinds to let light in
    • Doing jigsaw puzzles
    • Sorting through old clothes or items that you could donate to a charity eventually
    • Lying in the sun
    • Learning a magic trick
    • Talking on the phone
    • Listening to a podcast or radio show
    • Noticing what I can see in the neighbourhood from my house or yard
    • Doing arts and crafts
    • Sketching, painting
    • Mowing the lawn
    • Doing the dishes
    • Sitting outside and listening to the birds sing
    • Watching TED talks online
    • Planning a holiday for the future
    • Playing cards
    • Putting moisturising cream on my face/body
    • Re-watching a favourite movie
    • Gardening
    • Going camping in the living room or backyard
    • Entering a competition
    • Doing crossword puzzles
    • Patting or cuddling my pet
    • Cooking a special meal
    • Putting extra effort into my appearance
    • Doing a favour for someone online
    • Building a birdhouse or feeder
    • Looking at pictures of beautiful scenery
    • Talking to family members online or over the phone
    • Listening to music
    • Learning a new language using the app Duolingo
    • Taking a free online class
    • Working on my blog or seeing clients via telehealth
    • Washing my hair
    • Singing around the house
    • Creatively reusing old items
    • Stretching
    • Maintaining a musical instrument (e.g. restringing guitar)
    • Buying clothes online
    • Snuggling up with a soft blanket
    • Listening to an audiobook
    • Watching an old stand-up comedy show on Netflix or Youtube
    • Writing down a list of things I am grateful for
    • Teaching a special skill to someone else online (e.g. knitting, woodworking, painting, language)
    • Playing chess using an app
    • Playing video games
    • Jumping on a trampoline
    • Sending a text message to a friend
    • Doodling
    • Putting a vase of fresh flowers in my house
    • Participating in an online protest or campaign
    • Baking home-made bread
    • Walking barefoot on the soft grass
    • Watching a movie marathon
    • Skipping/jumping rope
    • Wearing an outfit that makes me feel good
    • Cooking some meals to freeze for later
    • Hobbies (stamp collecting, model building, etc.)
    • Talking to an older relative over the phone and asking them questions about their life
    • Listening to classical music
    • Photography
    • Watching funny videos on YouTube
    • Doing something religious or spiritual (e.g. praying)
    • Making my bed with fresh sheets
    • Lifting weights
    • Early morning coffee and news
    • Planning a themed party for next year (e.g. costume, murder mystery)
    • Wearing comfortable clothes
    • Shining my shoes
    • Trying to act like the characters in my favourite movies or TV shows
    • De-cluttering
    • Arranging flowers
    • Working on my car or bicycle
    • Juggling or learning to juggle
    • Contacting an old school friend
    • Calligraphy
    • Sleeping
    • Playing with my pets
    • Listening to the radio
    • Doing Sudoku
    • Planting vegetables or flowers
    • Surfing the internet
    • Doing embroidery, cross-stitching
    • Buying books from Amazon or bookdepository.co.uk
    • Meditating using Smiling Mind or Headspace or Calm or Balance or Waking Up apps
    • Training my pet to do a new trick
    • Planning a day’s activities
    • Waking up early and getting ready at a leisurely pace
    • Organising my home workspace
    • Writing (e.g. poems, articles, blog, books)
    • Dancing in the dark
    • Reading classic literature
    • Putting on perfume or cologne
    • Reading magazines or newspapers
    • Calling a friend
    • Sending a handwritten letter
    • Reading fiction
    • Meeting new people online by joining groups that you are interested in
    • Doing 5 minutes of calm deep breathing
    • Buying new stationery online
    • Turning off electronic devices for an hour (e.g. computer, phone, TV)
    • Buying music (MP3s, Spotify premium subscription)
    • Relaxing
    • Watching an old sports game (rugby, soccer, basketball, etc.)
    • Doing woodworking
    • Planning a nice surprise for someone else
    • Saying “I love you” to someone important in your life online, over the phone or in a letter
    • Making a playlist of upbeat songs
    • Colouring in
    • Doing a nagging task (e.g. making a phone call, scheduling an online appointment, replying to an email)
    • Shaping a bonsai plant
    • Planning my career
    • Reading non-fiction
    • Writing a song or composing music
    • Having a barbecue
    • Sewing
    • Dancing
    • Looking at art online
    • Making a ‘To-Do’ list of tasks
    • Having quiet evenings
    • Singing in the shower
    • Refurbishing furniture
    • Exchanging emails, chatting on the internet
    • Knitting/crocheting/quilting
    • Napping in a hammock
    • Making a gift for someone
    • Having discussions with friends
    • Trying a new recipe
    • Pampering myself at home (e.g. putting on a face mask)
    • Reading poetry
    • Savouring a piece of fresh fruit
    • Eating outside in my backyard
    • Making a pot of tea
    • Using special items (e.g. fine china, silver cutlery, jewellery, clothes, souvenir mugs)
    • Doing a DIY project (e.g. making homemade soap, making a mosaic)
    • Taking care of my plants
    • Telling a joke online or over the phone
    • Discussing books online
    • Watching boxing or wrestling online or on TV
    • Giving someone a genuine compliment
    • Practising yoga or Pilates
    • Shaving
    • Genuinely listening to others
    • Tidying-up
    • Rearranging the furniture in my house
    • Blowing bubbles
    • Buying new furniture online
    • Watching a sunset or sunrise from the balcony
    • Watching a funny TV show or movie
    • Recycling old items
    • Boxing a punching bag
    • Cleaning
    • Daydreaming
    • Learning about my genealogy/family tree
    • Setting up a budget
    • Writing a positive comment on a website /blog
    • Eating something nourishing (e.g. chicken soup)
    • Taking a class online (e.g. Masterclass, Udemy, Coursera)
    • Combing or brushing my hair
    • Writing diary/journal entries
    • Scrapbooking
    • Cooking an international cuisine
    • Reading comics
    • Trying new hairstyles
    • Watching a fireplace or campfire
    • Whistling
    • Working from home
    • Playing board games (e.g. Scrabble, Monopoly)
    • Savouring a piece of chocolate
    • Hunting for a bargain online
    • Buying, selling stocks and shares
    • Buying myself something nice
    • Solving riddles
    • Watching old home videos
    • Making home-made pizza
    • Origami
    • Doing something nostalgic (e.g. eating a childhood treat, listening to music from a certain time in my life)
    • Joining a club online (e.g. film, book, sewing, etc.)

    Hopefully, there are at least a few items in the above list that you would find fun or would love to do. If so, put them on your to-do list or build them into your routine somewhere over the next week, and see what happens. If it’s been a long time or you have never done it before, it may be even more fun than you expect once you get started. Just make sure that you give the task a proper go for at least ten minutes before stopping and trying something else.

    Conclusion

    In the 21st Century, our lives have become extremely busy, full and fast-paced. With the COVID-19 pandemic, we are now being told that the most helpful thing we can do is stay at home and remain physically distant from others. Unless you are in an essential profession, this could be a time to slow down. To check in with those that you care most about. To chat for longer and to connect emotionally. To reflect on your life and rediscover what really matters to you. To hope and dream and plan for a better future. And to try things that you otherwise may not have had the chance or the time to do.

     

  • The Importance of Sleep for Good Mental Health

    The Importance of Sleep for Good Mental Health

    Sleep difficulties are a feature of nearly every mental health difficulty, including depression, anxiety, trauma, substance use issues, bipolar disorder and psychosis or schizophrenia. Take Depression for example. Up to 90% of individuals with Depression have sleep difficulties, and two out of every three have significant enough sleep problems to also have a diagnosis of Insomnia.

    alarm clock analogue bed bedroom

    Worse still, Insomnia does not tend to go away on its own without appropriate treatment. This is because once people start to sleep poorly, they tend to develop ways of thinking and behaving around sleep that make their problems worse over the long run.

    Fortunately, there is a treatment out there that can improve your sleep. It’s called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I), which directly targets these unhelpful thoughts and behaviours around sleep.

    CBT-I is an effective treatment for insomnia, with many studies showing it to be similar to sleeping pills at improving sleep in the short-term, and much more effective than sleeping pills at improving sleep in the long-term.

    Research shows that CBT-I consistently reduces the time taken to get to sleep, decreases the amount of time spent awake during the night, and improves sleep quality and efficiency, with improvements persisting after treatment finishes. This is unlike sleeping pills, which typically lead to sleep difficulties coming back once people with insomnia stop taking them.

    Sleeping pills are also not recommended for use beyond 2-4 weeks at a time, because they stop working after a while and people need to take bigger doses over time to get the same effects. Sometimes doctors prescribe them more because they think they will work faster for patients, but even one session of CBT-I has been shown to make a significant difference to one’s sleep at night!

    beach during sunset

    CBT for Insomnia consists of four main components:

    1. Psychoeducation: This provides people with helpful information around sleep, including homeostatic pressure, circadian rhythms, hyper-arousal and sleep hygiene recommendations. Sleep hygiene means having a comfortable bedroom environment, minimising light exposure before bed, exercising during the day, minimising caffeine and alcohol and doing things to wind down or manage worries before bed.
    1. Sleep scheduling: This provides people with helpful information on when they should be going to bed at night, the time they should be arising from bed in the morning, and the ideal amount of time that they should be in bed for each night. Stimulus control and sleep restriction are the two main interventions included in sleep scheduling, and both are scientifically supported for improving sleep quality and sleep efficiency if done properly.
    1. Relaxation techniques: Because hyper-arousal plays a huge role in Insomnia, it is important to help people develop strategies to quieten the mind and calm the body, during the day, before bed and in bed. Relaxation techniques can include imagery training, meditation, biofeedback training, deep and slow breathing and progressive muscle relaxation.
    1. Cognitive Therapy: This provides people with the skills to challenge their unhelpful or unrealistic beliefs about sleep. A lot of individuals with Insomnia attribute all of their tiredness, mood difficulties or poor performance at work to their sleep difficulties, and this puts too much pressure on them to get a good night’s sleep. It is therefore important to get them to see the other factors that may contribute to how they feel during the day, present them with data that challenges their fears, and help them to develop realistic expectations about their sleep.

    In Vanuatu, there is currently only one psychologist located at the Mind Care Unit in Port Vila who is trained in CBT-I. Please come down to receive this effective treatment if you or a family member is struggling with poor sleep. Until then, there are other sleep strategies that you can try:

    orange cat sleeping on white bed

    BEST SLEEP INTERVENTIONS OVERALL

    In 2017, Dr Damon Ashworth, Clinical Psychologist and Sleep Researcher, ran 26 two-week experiments on his sleep to determine which interventions were most helpful for him.

    He gave each intervention a score out of 100, based on how effective he found the strategy (25 points), how easy it was to apply and use the strategy (25 points), and how much scientific evidence there was that showed that this strategy could improve sleep (50 points).

    Here are all of the sleep interventions he tested, ranked from best to worst based on their overall score out of 100:

    palm trees at night

    High Distinction

    1. Stimulus control = 85/100
    2. Winding down before sleep = 85/100
    3. Sleep restriction = 81/100
    4. Relaxation strategies pre-sleep = 81/100

    photo of a man sitting under the tree

    Distinction

    1. Meditation = 77/100
    2. No alcohol = 75/100
    3. Wearing blue-light blocking glasses before sleep = 75/100
    4. Listening to music in the evening = 73/100
    5. Yoga/Pilates = 72/100
    6. Constructive worry or writing down plans = 71/100

    white teddy bear with opened book photo

    Credit

    1. Avoiding TV before bed = 69/100
    2. Melatonin = 68/100
    3. Aromatherapy = 68/100
    4. Sauna or hot bath in the evening = 68/100
    5. Morning sunlight = 65/100
    6. Reading or listening to audiobooks pre-sleep = 63/100
    7. Exercise during the day = 61/100

    black ceramic tea cup on brown surface

    Pass

    1. No caffeine = 58/100
    2. Food that helps sleep = 57/100
    3. Controlling temperature = 57/100
    4. Massage in the afternoon = 57/100
    5. Comfort of sleep surface = 56/100
    6. Sleeping alone = 53/100
    7. Creativity in the evening = 52/100

    Sleep Recommendations

    (Stepanski & Wyatt, 2003)
    1. Decrease time in bed – Sleep efficiency is a better predictor of satisfaction with sleep and daytime mood than total sleep time. So if you only get 7 hours of sleep per night, spend 7.5 hours of time in bed. This will allow for better sleep over time.
    2. Regular bedtime and arising time – Reducing variability in your sleep can make a huge difference in how long it takes you to get to sleep, how restful a sleep you have, and how refreshed you feel in the morning. Have a set bedtime, and whenever you feel sleepy around this time, go to bed. Then set an alarm so that you can wake up at the same time each day. If you want to sleep in on weekends, allow yourself no more than one hour later than you usually wake up. Following this regardless of how much sleep you get helps to strengthen your circadian rhythms and build up your homeostatic pressure to ensure better sleep over time.
    3. Exercise – Vigorous exercise prior to bedtime is actually unhelpful for sleep, but expending more energy during the day is likely to lead to better quality sleep at night. The earlier in the day it is done, the greater the effect it will have.
    4. Less caffeine and alcohol – Minimise these substances where possible, especially within 4 hours of bedtime as they both have significant effects on sleep quality. Alcohol can reduce worries and result in getting to sleep quicker, but results in poorer sleep quality in the second half of the night. Alcohol can also can lead to more snoring due to the loosening of the throat muscles. Caffeine boosts cortisol levels, a.k.a. stress, and results in less deep sleep and more awakenings.
    5. Do not try to sleep – It is something that has to come on naturally. The harder you try to get to sleep, the less likely you will be able to, as trying activates the autonomic nervous system, which also increase how stressed you feel. The more you allow yourself to relax, the more likely sleep is.
    6. Do not keep looking at your phone or alarm clock during the night – If your alarm is set, then there is no need to know the time in bed. This will only increase performance anxiety if you look and see that you have not slept for very long. Put it in a draw, cover it with a shirt, or face it the other way.
    7. Keep naps short – Napping during the day reduces your pressure for sleep by the time you get into bed at night. If you have to nap, keep it less than 30 minutes so that you don’t go into a deep sleep, and do it before 4pm so that sleep pressure can build up again by the time you go to bed that night.
    8. Engage in relaxing activities before bed – Just like waking up, going to sleep is a transitional process. Don’t expect that your mind will shut off immediately as soon as you get into bed. Whatever it is, do something relaxing as a pre-bed routine. Watch some T.V., read a book, listen to some music, have a hot bath, practice yoga, mindfulness or relaxation techniques. Then maintain that relaxed state in bed and allow sleep to come.
    9. Use the bedroom only for sleep and sex – This means no reading, eating, internet surfing, game playing, phones, T.V., planning, worrying etc. in bed. Want bed = sleep.
    10. Make worry list before bed – To prevent your mind from racing in bed, reflect on the day about 2 hours before you want to sleep, write down any worries, concerns or problems you may have, create a to-do-list, or plan for the day ahead. Then if thoughts come up in bed, remind yourself that you have already sorted them out or that they can wait until tomorrow.
    11. Leave the bed if awake – Sometimes no matter what we try, you may find yourself awake in bed. If you do not fall to sleep within what feels like 20 minutes, get up, go to another room, and do something relaxing until you are sleepy before returning to bed. Over time, this will recondition the bed with sleepiness rather than frustration and allow you to fall asleep quickly. If you are worried that you may never sleep if this was the case, give it a try for a week. It may be the most difficult recommendation to follow initially, but it produces long-lasting results quickly.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • The Four Ultimate Concerns in Life

    The Four Ultimate Concerns in Life

    I’ve been afraid to say this for a while because of how it will be perceived, but my favourite book of all time is actually a textbook. So before you think that makes me someone you would never want to speak to, I’ll ask if you have ever read anything by Irvin Yalom, American Psychiatrist and Author?

    His book ‘Existential Psychotherapy’ is a true masterpiece he worked on for 10 years and is written as eloquently as any of his other titles, including ‘When Nietzsche Wept’, the best fiction novel award winner in 1992.

    What is Existential Psychotherapy?

    Existentialism is the philosophical exploration of existential issues or questions about our existence that we don’t have an easy answer for. We all suffer from anxiety, despair, grief and loneliness at times in our lives. Existential Psychotherapy tries to understand what life and humanity are about.

    In the book, Yalom explores what he considers to be our four most significant existential issues in life:

    1. Death
    2. Freedom
    3. Isolation
    4. Meaninglessness

    These existential issues or ultimate concerns are “givens of existence” or “an inescapable part” of being an alive human in our world. He shows how these concerns develop over time, how we can run into problems with each of these issues, and what they might look like in patients coming to therapy. He also talks about how we can try to live with these concerns to negatively impact our lives less, even if we don’t have clear-cut solutions to them.

    Let’s go through each of these ultimate concerns…

    1. Death

    Homo sapiens, or humans, as far as I know, are the only species in the animal kingdom that are aware that one day they are going to die.

    The first time I heard this, it fascinated me and made me wonder if life would be more comfortable not being aware that one day we cease to exist.

    Imagine it. Life is going well. Then suddenly, it is no more. No worry about what the future holds. We are born. We experience life. Then we are no longer there. No fear. Just nothingness.

    Being aware that we will die shapes and influences our lives much more than we would like to admit. This is because so many of our anxieties and phobias at their core are fear of some loss or death.

    Irvin Yalom says that while the actuality of death is the end of us, the idea of death can actually energise us.

    If we don’t know when we will die, being in touch with the fact that one day everything will vanish is enough to overwhelm some people and make them panic.

    For others, it is enough to make them follow the maxim of carpe diem and helps them to seize the day by appreciating everything they have so that they can make the most of the precious time they have left on this planet. Time is really just a bright spark of lightness between two identical and infinite periods of darkness — one before we are born and one after.

    Death is the ultimate equaliser, for no matter how much we have achieved or done with our time on this planet, the truth is that we will all one day die.

    It is also true that we will not know exactly when death will happen. It might be with a car accident tomorrow, from cancer in ten years, motor neurone disease in twenty years, a heart attack in thirty years, a stroke in forty years, or during our sleep in fifty years.

    Because our knowledge of our inevitable death is so inescapable and hard to confront and deal with directly, we instead focus on smaller and more manageable worries or concerns in our lives that we can do something about if we want to. If we successfully address all these minor concerns, however, we then come in contact with our fear of death again, and the cycle repeats itself.

    Most people tend to have one of two basic defence mechanisms against their fear of death:

    A. They can think that they are “special” and that death will befall others but not them, and try to be an individual and experience anxiety about life.

    Or

    B. They can think they are an “ultimate rescuer” and try to fuse with others and experience anxiety about death (their own mortality and that of their loved ones).

    A breakdown of either of these defences can give rise to psychological disorders:

    • narcissism or schizoid characteristics for the “special” defence, and
    • passive, dependent or masochistic characteristics for the “ultimate rescuer” defence.

    In general, trying to be an individual is a more empowering and effective defence than fusing with others. Still, the breakdown of either can lead to pathological anxiety and/or depression.

    The way to feel better about death anxiety is through an exercise called “disidentification”:

    1. To begin with, ask yourself the question “Who am I?” and write down every answer that you can think of.
    2. Then, take one answer at a time, and meditate on giving up this part of yourself, asking and reflecting on what it would be like to give up this part of yourself and your identity.
    3. Repeat this with all the other answers until you have gone through all of them.
    4. You have now disidentified yourself from all parts of your identity. See how you feel, and if there isn’t still a part of you, that feels separate from all the labels you give yourself. This provides comfort and reduces anxiety about death and life for a lot of people.

    What I try to manage death anxiety is to only focus on whatever is most important to me that I can do something about in any given moment. I try to appreciate and be grateful for the time that I have had with each important person in my life. I try to be as fully present in the moment and with others as I can be. I try to use every moment and meeting as an opportunity to impact someone’s life positively. That way, I’ll hopefully not have too many regrets and be glad for the time I have had on this planet, no matter how long it ends up being.

    2. Freedom

    The second ultimate concern is about freedom, responsibility and will.

    Every country in the world talks about fighting for the freedom of its citizens and about taking away some people’s freedom to ensure the safety and security of all. Therefore, the existential dilemma is how much freedom do we give up to others to feel safe and secure, or how much safety and security do we give up to feel genuinely free? Are these concepts in direct opposition, or is it sometimes possible to have enough of both?

    Responsibility means taking full ownership of:

    “one’s own self, destiny, life predicament, feelings, and if such be the case, one’s own suffering” — Irvin Yalom

    In the past, one’s life was set out for them by their parents or society, and many people struggled to fight for the right to live an authentic and genuine life.

    These days, most people struggle instead with the amount of choice that they have in their lives. They come to therapy because they don’t know what they want to do or how to choose, given all of the available options. They also know that if no one else is telling them what to do, it is ultimately their responsibility if things do not work out the way they want them to. People wish to choose for themselves but fear not having someone to blame when things don’t work out.

    There are various defences that we engage in to avoid responsibility and shield ourselves from freedom, including:

    • compulsivity
    • displacement of responsibility to another
    • denial of responsibility (“innocent victim” or “losing control”)
    • avoidance of autonomous behaviour, and
    • decisional pathology

    We can do something over and over again to relieve anxiety or stop thinking about things. This can present as OCD, hoarding, or any addiction ranging from technology to drugs and alcohol and even dependency on others.

    We can try to coerce others to make decisions for us or seek out and find controlling partners, bosses or friends. But, we can also play it safe and try to do what we think everyone else does; focus on keeping up with the Joneses, engaging in passive activities that don’t require much effort, and feeling stuck in an unfulfilling relationship or career.

    The problem with giving up the responsibility for how our lives turn out is that it creates an external rather than an internal locus of control. Depression and other forms of psychological disorders are more highly correlated with an external locus of control. It can also lead to learned helplessness, where people no longer feel like they can do anything to change their life in a positive direction.

    The way to manage the responsibility and freedom paradox is to develop an internal locus of control. This is generally more beneficial for most people’s well-being unless we blame ourselves or change things out of our control. This includes what has happened in the past, what other people do or say, and acts of nature.

    The serenity prayer nicely spells out how we should approach responsibility:

    “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.” — Reinhold Niebuhr

    Paradoxical intention is a good antidote too. This means that we try to do the opposite of what we typically do for a period of time and keep an open mind and observe how things go. We can then see if the outcome is better than what we usually do or if it has taught us something about what will be best for us going forward.

    Anything that creates a double bind is potentially helpful for encouraging people to take more responsibility in their lives. One way is to remind someone who struggles to make their own decisions that by not deciding, they are still making a choice not to choose. This means that no matter what they do, it is impossible not to make a decision that impacts the direction of their lives. Even if we choose to follow what someone else wants us to do, we still choose to do this. Therefore, why not take responsibility for our own lives and forge our own paths?

    3. Isolation

    There are three types of isolation:

    “A. Interpersonal isolation: isolation from other individuals, experienced as loneliness

    B. Intrapersonal isolation: parts of oneself are partitioned off from the self, and

    C. Existential isolation: “an unbridgeable gap between oneself and any other being.”

    A common way that people try to escape from existential isolation is to fuse with another fully. This is also a strategy for dealing with death anxiety, with people trying to be the “ultimate rescuer” of someone else. It can lead to an individual feeling temporarily less alone. Unfortunately, however, the less isolated we are from others, sometimes the more isolated we are from ourselves.

    Other people try to overcompensate for their feelings of isolation by never relying on anyone and trying to be fully independent. Both extremes can have negative consequences.

    The main thing we can do to manage our feelings of isolation is to realise and accept that we are social creatures and have always relied on others to survive. This drive creates a desire to feel closer to, more understood, and more connected to people than we can ever achieve and sustain.

    Growing up, many people feel loved and comforted in an unbalanced relationship towards their needs being met over their parents. They then try to reenact this within their adult relationships and usually end up feeling resentful, angry and disappointed as a result.

    Yalom believes that a good relationship involves “needs-free love”, which is about loving someone else for their sake. This is opposed to “deficiency love”, a selfish love where we only think about how useful the other person may be to us. Creating a relationship where you want the best for the other person is a healthier way to manage interpersonal isolation than demanding for them to meet every need for you.

    Some of the best solutions to intrapersonal isolation are to have time to get to know ourselves through practices such as journaling, therapy and meditation. Introverts may need to have more of this time than extroverts, so it’s important to tune into how agitated or lonely you feel to know if you have found the right balance or not.

    Unfortunately, existential isolation cannot be fully breached, and therefore needs to be accepted, as it is out of our control. To feel the pain that comes with this isolation and our desire not to have it is challenging, but it can help reduce the intensity of the feeling. Being grateful for the meaningful connections we have in our lives and trying to strengthen them without losing our sense of self is another way to lessen the intensity of the feeling.

    4. Meaninglessness

    According to Yalom and many non-religious philosophers, humans are meaning-seeking creatures in a world without a universal sense of meaning. As a result of this, most of the world turn to a religious or spiritual belief system of one type or another that clearly lays out the meaning of the world and our purpose in it. People who truly believe these systems often provide a lot of clarity, reassurance, and guidance. The tricky part is that these belief systems can vary widely, and it is hard to know which one is more correct than another or if some of them are even harmful.

    What we do know is that most belief systems tend to agree that

    “it is good to immerse oneself in the stream of life”.

    People can try to find meaning through:

    A. Hedonism: Seeking out pleasure and positive experiences and trying to avoid pain,

    B. Altruism: Dedication towards a cause that helps other people, and

    C. Creativity: Transcending oneself through art.

    Many philosophers believe that both the search for pleasure and the search for meaning are paradoxical. By this, they mean that happiness and meaning or purpose in life are tough to achieve when they are aimed at directly, but possible if they are aimed at indirectly.

    So if you or someone that you know is complaining about a lack of meaning in life, try to see if there are other issues. If possible, address these other issues first, and see if your worry about meaninglessness has lessened or gone away.

    The best indirect way to increase a sense of purpose and meaning in life is to build kindness, curiosity and concern for others. This is often best done by helping out with a charity, joining a club, fighting for a cause, or attending a group activity or group therapy.

    Yalom strongly believes that a desire to engage in life and satisfying relationships, work, spiritual and creative pursuits always exists within a person. Therefore, the key to managing meaninglessness is to remove the obstacles that prevent the individual from wholeheartedly engaging in the regular activities of life.

    We may never be able to find the absolute meaning of life. However, what we can do is work at creating a life that is personally meaningful to us.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist