What is a “toxic” person?
Sometimes in life, we come across people who defy our natural belief systems about how people “should be”. For example, while we assume that most people follow the golden rule of “treat others the way you would like to be treated”, some individuals are not guided by this principle and regularly break this rule.
These people are “toxic” because their behaviours leave a trail of destruction behind them wherever they go. The damage is usually in the form of other people who are left feeling distressed, confused, isolated, trapped, depressed, angry, afraid, guilty, grieving, and potentially traumatised. And that’s not to mention the financial, social, occupational or legal consequences that can arise from an interaction, encounter or a relationship with a toxic person.
A toxic person has minimal concern for anyone apart from themselves, except for how others could help or hinder them from getting what they want, physically or emotionally. The three main ways that they will try to manipulate others into doing what they would like emotionally are through a sense of fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG).
Be careful if you notice that FOG is being used against you to try and get you to do something you don’t want to do. A loving person will encourage us to be the best that we can be. Instead, a toxic person will help us be what they need us to be, which may differ from what is actually in our best interests.
Worse still, toxic people will typically:
(a) not admit to having done anything wrong, even when presented with the facts,
(b) honestly believe that they haven’t done anything wrong or haven’t intended to do so, and instead blame you or someone else for how they felt or what they did, and
(c) try to convince others of their innocence, even if this involves stretching the truth or outright lying.
Unfortunately, many of the clients that I see have been affected by toxic people, including:
- The boss. who dangles the promise of pay raises and promotions over their employees to motivate them to reach a goal, and then once employees meet that goal, the boss takes the deal off the table.
- The boss, who forces his workers, often vulnerable immigrants on working visas, to work for less money than the minimum wage or to be on call and work overtime without any extra pay or time in lieu.
- The alcoholic father. who verbally and physically beats his wife and children.
- The competitive father, who is afraid of his children surpassing him and won’t give them any praise or actively minimise their accomplishments.
- The narcissistic father, who views his children as an extension of himself and thus tries to live out his unfulfilled potential through them, often in regards to school, sports, and career.
- The narcissistic mother who makes her children lie about their school grades or where they live, who they are or what they do so that she looks better to her friends and family.
- The self-centred mother, who is afraid her children no longer need her and therefore does whatever she can to prevent them from becoming independent. It might be doing all of the chores for them, nitpicking and criticising their choices in jobs, partners and anything else that could reduce the amount of influence or power that she has over them.
- The abusive mother, who locks her children away in a room by themselves and beats or neglects them further whenever they do not comply with her wishes.
- The cheating girlfriend, who compulsively lies about her behaviour and then is jealous of their partner talking to a girl and questions their fidelity and faithfulness.
- The hypocritical boyfriend who disappears for days on end on drug binges and then calls and messages his partner every five minutes when he knows she is out having fun with her friends.
- The ex-partner, who earns a lot of money and still refuses to pay any child support or see the children so that they can get back at or hurt the other parent for leaving them.
- The self-centred friend, who consistently demands assistance with the ongoing crises they have in their life, is nowhere to be seen when their friends need support.
I have seen or heard about these individuals across my life, and there are many more toxic people. Some of them are even more severe. It is disheartening to think that people out there can commit such horrible acts regularly without ever questioning their behaviour or feeling guilt.
Even though I have a better rational understanding of why this behaviour occurs by studying Psychology for the past 11 years, it still doesn’t make sense emotionally. I don’t get how someone can hurt the people they “say that they love” when their behaviours are precisely the opposite.
The reasons why someone might treat others in a harmful way include:
- They are psychologically very unwell and need psychological treatment or medication. Consisting of the Axis I disorders, this includes severe Major Depressive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety Disorders, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse Disorders, Bipolar Disorder, or Schizophrenia. Although these individuals can engage in toxic behaviours, if the symptoms of the psychological disorder are successfully managed or treated, the harmful behaviour is likely to improve significantly.
- They have a personality disorder and could improve their symptoms with appropriate treatment and management. Consisting of Axis II disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder (PD), Obsessive-Compulsive PD, Antisocial PD, Avoidant PD, Dependent PD, Histrionic PD and Narcissistic PD. Research suggests that some of the symptoms of personality disorders can be managed through treatment, such as Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) for Borderline PD. However, personality disorders are generally lifelong conditions that impact individuals across several different areas of their functioning, including interpersonal effectiveness skills. Therefore the likelihood of toxic behaviour increases, especially with Narcissistic and Antisocial PDs.
- They are a Psychopath or Deviant and are therefore unlikely to change, even with treatment. Sometimes known as ‘The Dark Triad’, Machiavellians, Narcissists and Psychopaths all share the common trait of lacking empathy for their victims or anyone they take advantage of to get what they want. There is little evidence that treatment is ever successful with Psychopaths and people who are Sexual Deviants (e.g. serial offending Pedophiles). Sometimes, the best thing that society can do is lock up these individuals in a maximum-security prison to minimise the harm they can inflict upon others. However, Narcissists and Machiavellians (who believe the ends justify the means) are unlikely to be arrested or incarcerated for their behaviours. Therefore, they are most likely to be the toxic people that inflict the most damage on others without any remorse for what they do.
How to Successfully Manage Toxic People
The following information borrows heavily from the non-PD toolbox at the website Out of the FOG. It is a website that I recommend for client’s when they are living with or having to deal with someone who is consistently acting in a toxic way towards them.
What NOT to do when dealing with toxic people:
- Abuse Amnesia — Do not try to forget or suppress previous episodes of abuse or boundary violations that the toxic person has perpetrated.
- Amateur Diagnosis — If you believe that the toxic person has a psychiatric diagnosis or personality disorder, do not share this information, hoping that this will improve the situation or the relationship.
- Avoidance — Do not withdraw from other relationships to reduce their risk of exposure to the toxic person and the potential criticism and rejection that comes with this. Avoiding other people will only further isolate you from your support and positive relationships, which you will need if you regularly deal with a toxic person.
- Circular Conversations — Do not engage in repetitive, cyclical arguments with toxic people who endlessly cover the same issues without resolution. You are unlikely to get a different solution using the same strategy that hasn’t worked in the past.
- Denial — Do not try to deny that a toxic person is engaging in certain behaviours or that these behaviours are not having severe adverse consequences if they are. It will still be damaging you even if you are typically resilient. It is essential to accept what is happening and how you feel to be more likely to do something about it.
- Enabling — Do not try to absorb the abusive behaviour of the toxic person without challenging it or consistently enforcing personal boundaries. It will only “enable” them to continue the behaviour without any fear of repercussions.
- Fix-It Syndrome — Do not try to take responsibility or compensate for the toxic person’s behaviours. Do not try to clean up their messes or fix the problems created by their actions. They need to be responsible for what they do if they are to learn from it.
- Fleas — Do not try to imitate or emulate the toxic person’s behaviour or stoop to their level. It is tempting, but it is much better to act consistently with your values than “catch fleas” and act in a toxic way too. You will not have as much practice as them in doing what they do and will often get criticised by the toxic person for being the one with all of the problems if you try.
- Lack of Boundaries — Do not allow the toxic person to break the guidelines and limits for acceptable behaviour that you have set. They must be made clear and consistently reinforced, or the toxic person will usually keep pushing and escalating the situation until they get what they want from you without changing their behaviour.
- Imposed Isolation — Do not allow yourself to become isolated and cut off from your family, friends, and other supports, even if the toxic person is trying to intimidate you or coerce you into doing this.
- JADE — Do not try to justify, argue, defend or explain or it is likely to end in a circular conversation.
- Learned Helplessness — Do not believe that you have no control over a situation. A toxic person will sometimes want you to think this. Still, options and supports are always available if you wish to leave a relationship involving a toxic person.
- Obedience — Do not blindly follow what you are being told to do by a toxic person because you think it will lead to less confrontation. Decide if what they are asking from you is really in your best long-term interests. Then, delay answering straight away so that you can have the time and space to think about it properly.
- Rescuer Syndrome — Do not try to rescue the toxic person or compensate for their behavioural issues. The toxic person will only change when they are ready to, with qualified professionals’ additional assistance.
- Self-Doubt — Although it is difficult, try not to let what the toxic person says impact how you see yourself, your mental health or your moral compass. Instead, believe in yourself, seek support, and query other friends or family about any doubts you have.
Although many people have tried these strategies, they are usually less effective than the recommended strategies.
What TO DO when dealing with toxic people:
- The 3 “C’s” Rule — Do repeat this mantra when thinking about the toxic person and their behaviours: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it.”
- The 51% Rule — Do consider your own needs just a little more than the toxic person (at least 51%) if you would like to help them effectively.
- The 50% Rule — Do realise that any relationship is about the dynamic between two people. Therefore, focusing on your part in the relationship (the 50% of the relationship you are responsible for) can positively change the overall dynamic. Much more than focusing on what the toxic person does. What they do is the 50% that is out of your control and not your responsibility.
- Boundaries — Set clear and consistent guidelines and limits for acceptable behaviour with toxic people. Let them know how you will respond if they cross these boundaries and consistently reinforce these consequences when they do so.
- Clean Up Rule — Do allow the toxic person to clean up their messes and deal with the external consequences of their actions. You are only responsible for cleaning up your messes, not theirs.
- Emotional Intelligence — Do work on effectively understanding, recognising and regulating your own emotions, and develop empathy and social skills in dealing with the toxic person’s feelings without fixing their problems for them.
- Get Support — Do find supportive people who are likely to empathise with you and understand what you are going through. If they understand mental illness, personality disorders and toxic people, it will be more likely that they will give you the support you need.
- Journaling — Do write down whatever you are thinking and feeling about the toxic person and your relationship or troubles with them. If you can do this without censoring yourself, taking a break or worrying about what you are writing, then it can be even more therapeutic. If you can keep this in a safe place, do so, otherwise delete it or dispose of it in a way that is unlikely to be seen by the toxic person.
- Make Good Choices — Do devote your energy focusing on what is under your control and the steps you can take. It can reduce stress a lot.
- Medium Chill — Try to disengage through distraction, relaxation, meditation, and other arousal-reducing strategies if direct contact with the toxic person or their behaviours is unavoidable.
- My Stuff/Their Stuff — Do clearly define and remind yourself what is your concern (“my stuff”) and what is the toxic person’s concern (“their stuff”), regardless of what they say to you.
- No Contact — Do think about going “No Contact” and cutting off all forms of correspondence and contact with a toxic person if they are consistently not respecting your boundaries and consequences. No one deserves abuse, and this cannot take place if there is no contact or communication.
- Personal Safety — Do keep a list of actions that you can follow to prevent situations from escalating into verbal, emotional or physical abuse. It will help if you put this in place as soon as any form of violence happens. First, try to stop the conversation, secondly, try to leave the room or the area, and thirdly call the police.
- Put Children First — Do make decisions based on what is in the best interests of the children. Their needs and especially their safety and protection from abuse must come first.
- Therapy — Do seek help if you are struggling to protect yourself or emotionally detach from the toxic people in your life. Therapy can also help if you want to learn more about yourself or build up other skills and capacities in your life (assertiveness, self-esteem, compassion etc.).
- Work on Yourself — Do allocate time, energy and focus for yourself so that you can restore a good sense of balance with work, leisure, personal growth and socialising regardless of what the toxic person does.
If you are interested in reading more about this, I recommend checking out the Out of the FOG website. The book ‘Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You’ by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier is also helpful.
Dr Damon Ashworth
Clinical Psychologist
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