Damon Ashworth Psychology

Tag: growth

  • Essential Non-Fiction Books for Personal Development: 90-81

    Essential Non-Fiction Books for Personal Development: 90-81

    Last week, I began my top 100 non-fiction books countdown. Here are books 90-81…

    90. Paranoia: A Journey Into Extreme Mistrust and Anxiety by Daniel Freeman

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.81/5

    Freeman tries to reduce the stigma around paranoia. He shows that it exists on a spectrum. At the extreme end, paranoia is a sign of schizophrenia or paranoid personality disorder. But people without a mental health disorder experience paranoia too. From everyday suspicion to clinical paranoia, mistrust is often rooted in real experiences like trauma or discrimination.

    What makes it special: It connects paranoia to modern pressures like social media and surveillance. It offers both empathy and practical cognitive strategies.

    Perfect for: Mental health professionals, anyone experiencing paranoid thoughts, and readers interested in how fear and mistrust shape society.

    Key takeaway: Paranoia is not a mysterious or rare condition. It is a common human experience that exists on a continuum. It can be scientifically understood. Most importantly, it can be effectively addressed through proper recognition and empirically supported treatment approaches.

    89. The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward by Daniel H. Pink

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.83/5

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    Pink flips the script on regret. He argues that regret is not weakness, but wisdom in disguise. Based on the World Regret Survey findings, Pink identifies four core types of regret. These are 1. foundation regrets, 2. boldness regrets, 3. moral regrets and connection regrets. He shows how engaging with them constructively leads to better decisions.

    What makes it special: It is a refreshing counter to toxic positivity. It treats regret as essential to growth. It comes with practical tools for self-compassion and onward movement.

    Perfect for: Anyone reflecting on life choices, therapists and coaches, and fans of evidence-based emotional intelligence.

    Key takeaway: Rather than avoiding or suppressing regret, we should embrace it as valuable emotional data. It reveals our deepest values. This data can guide us toward better decisions and a more fulfilling life.

    88. Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.85/5

    Putnam documents the collapse of social capital in the US from its peak in 1964. The decline continued until the book was published in 2000. He shows how we’ve become increasingly isolated in our real lives and less engaged in our communities despite technological connection. It was prescient about today’s loneliness epidemic and institutional distrust.

    What makes it special: Rigorous social science that explains modern disconnection while offering hope through examples of community revival.

    Perfect for: Community leaders, anyone interested in sociology and civic engagement, and those seeking to understand political polarisation.

    Key takeaway: Putnam calls for rebuilding social capital through new forms of civic engagement suited to modern life. He shows that strong communities and democracy need active participation, not just individual achievement. Community connections aren’t just nice to have – they’re fundamental to both individual and societal well-being.

    87. What I Talk About When I Talk About Running: A Memoir by Haruki Murakami

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.87/5

    Murakami has written some amazing novels. His meditative memoir reflects on running as a metaphor for life, creativity, and getting older. It explores discipline, solitude, and the quiet satisfaction of showing up daily.

    What makes it special: Beautiful simplicity that resists hustle culture in favour of sustainable, meaningful practice. It’s about the why, not the how.

    Perfect for: Runners, writers, introverts, and anyone seeking insight into creative discipline and ageing gracefully.

    Key takeaway: Success is measured in years and decades, not days or weeks. Both running and writing are about building something sustainable over time rather than achieving quick victories. Meaningful work, whether creative or physical, requires a long-term practice approach. It is not just a series of individual performances.

    86. The Moral Landscape: How Science Can Determine Human Values by Sam Harris

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.90/5

    Harris argues that science can and should inform morality, challenging the traditional divide between facts and values. He centres human well-being as an objective criterion for ethical judgment.

    What makes it special: A secular, evidence-based approach to ethics that bridges neuroscience, philosophy, and practical morality.

    Perfect for: Philosophy enthusiasts, scientists interested in ethics, and those seeking non-religious foundations for moral reasoning.

    Key takeaway: Empirical evidence about what actually promotes human flourishing can help inform our morals. Ethics should be informed by evidence, rather than tradition or ideology. Moral progress requires treating ethics as a domain where objective knowledge is possible. It should not be just a matter of opinion or cultural preference.

    85. Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Anna Lembke

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.90/5

    Lembke explains how modern society’s excess of dopamine triggers—screens, sugar, social media—disrupts our brain’s balance, leading to addictive behaviours. She offers practical wisdom on finding balance in an age of endless temptation.

    What makes it special: Combines cutting-edge neuroscience with compassionate clinical stories, providing actionable advice on “dopamine fasting” and mindful moderation.

    Perfect for: Anyone struggling with digital overload, addiction, or compulsive behaviours, plus mental health professionals.

    Key takeaway: In our pursuit of constant pleasure, we’ve created our own misery. True contentment comes from restoring balance through mindful consumption and occasional voluntary discomfort.

    84. The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil by Philip G. Zimbardo

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.91/5

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    Zimbardo is well known in psychology circles for his infamous Stanford Prison Experiment. Some suggest that Zimbardo instructed the guards to commit the “evil” behaviours. This makes the studies on conformity and obedience to authority more interesting to me than his prison experiment. Nonetheless, he strongly believes that ordinary people can commit extraordinary evil under certain conditions. He shows that systems and situations often matter more than individual character.

    What makes it special: Zimbardo’s research challenges simple explanations of evil. It raises crucial questions about power, authority, and moral responsibility.

    Perfect for: Psychology students, anyone interested in ethics and human nature, and those seeking to understand abuse of power.

    Key takeaway: We must understand the psychological mechanisms that enable evil to prevent it. The environment has a bigger impact on who does evil than we realise.

    83. How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.91/5

    This practical guide offers concrete techniques for navigating difficult conversations with curiosity rather than confrontation.

    What makes it special: It goes beyond vague advice. It teaches specific skills like Socratic questioning and active listening. It respects all sides while promoting genuine dialogue.

    Perfect for: Anyone frustrated by polarised debates or mediators, teachers, leaders, and those interested in critical thinking.

    Key takeaway: Even the most “impossible” conversations can become productive. This happens when we shift from trying to win arguments to genuinely seeking understanding. We need to find common ground through specific, learnable techniques.

    82. Altered Traits: Science Reveals How Meditation Changes Your Mind, Brain and Body by Daniel Goleman and Richard J. Davidson

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.91/5

    Leading Neuroscientist Davidson and emotional intelligence expert Goleman reveal the hard science behind meditation’s effects on the brain. They distinguish between temporary states and lasting “altered traits.”

    What makes it special: Rigorous neuroscience that cuts through the hype surrounding meditation. It focuses on how sustained meditation practice can create fundamental changes. These changes are lasting and alter the structure of the brain.

    Perfect for: Meditators, sceptics wanting evidence-based insights, mental health professionals, and anyone interested in intentional mental training.

    Key takeaway: Meditation can genuinely alter the brain in beneficial ways. But there are only four key benefits of regular and long-term meditation with strong scientific support. These are: 1. altered pain perception and reduced suffering from pain, 2. enhanced attention, 3. reduced stress reactivity, and 4. increased compassion. We should avoid making inflated claims about the benefits of meditation. It is better to just give people realistic expectations based on solid science.

    81. Ethics in the Real World: 86 Brief Essays on Things that Matter by Peter Singer

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.93/5

    The influential philosopher tackles contemporary ethical dilemmas in 86 brief, clear essays. Using utilitarian principles, Singer challenges readers on animal rights, global poverty, climate change, and how to live ethically today.

    What makes it special: Uncompromising moral philosophy is applied to practical decisions. This ranges from what to eat to how to donate. It includes a consistent logical framework.

    Perfect for: Philosophy enthusiasts, social justice advocates, anyone interested in applied ethics and utilitarian thinking.

    Key takeaway: Ethics isn’t abstract philosophy. It’s practical guidance for making the world better. This is done through reasoned, evidence-based moral decision-making focused on reducing suffering.

    Stay tuned for part 3 next week…

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Must-Read Non-Fiction for Personal Growth: 100-91

    Must-Read Non-Fiction for Personal Growth: 100-91

    Ever since I first began working as a Clinical Psychologist, I regularly get asked a question. People often inquire whether there are any non-fiction or psychology books that I would recommend.

    Sometimes a book recommendation can go really well. The client is ready to make a certain change but feels stuck in some way. The book connects with them. It helps them make the changes they want in their lives.

    Other times, for many reasons, the book, its message, or its author, doesn’t connect well with the client. They won’t read it all, or it can be demotivating rather than inspiring or energising.

    Back in 2016, I began creating a summary of my top 40 psychology book recommendations. I am amazed at how often I have referred people to this list. It can really help to build upon the ideas and skills we have discussed in therapy.

    Nearly ten years later, I would love to share more recommendations of non-fiction books I have been reading. I haven’t agreed with everything written, but each one has affected me in some way.

    Like last time, I will only include books that I have read personally. I won’t include more than one title in this countdown from the same author. But I include some books that I have written about it other posts. To avoid personal bias in the rankings, I will rank them from lowest to highest from their Goodreads.com star rating.

    Here is part one of my countdown: books #100 to #91…

    100. Nerve: Adventures in the Science of Fear by Eva Holland

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.54/5

    Eva Holland combines memoir with cutting-edge neuroscience to explore fear from every angle. After her mother’s sudden death, Holland embarks on a journey. A near-fatal climbing accident then pushes her further to understand and conquer her fears. She faces her fear of heights through exposure exercises and trying experimental treatments, like Propranolol.

    What makes it special: Holland doesn’t just research fear; she lives it. Her vulnerable storytelling makes complex neuroscience accessible while offering real hope through treatments like EMDR and exposure therapy.

    Perfect for: Anyone struggling with anxiety, phobias, or trauma. Adventure enthusiasts and those processing grief may find that it resonates with them too.

    Key takeaway: By combining scientific understanding of fear’s mechanisms with personal courage, we can transform our relationship with fear. Various therapeutic approaches can aid this transformation from paralysis to empowerment. Rather than being ruled by our fears, we can learn to work with them more skillfully.

    99. The Devil You Knew: The myths around depression, and Why Your Best Days are Ahead of You by Prof. Ian Hickey

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.59/5

    Professor Ian Hickie, with his 35 years of clinical experience, takes on the myths surrounding depression. He challenges misconceptions about antidepressants, childhood trauma, and treatment options. He also offers guidance through the mental health care system.

    What makes it special: Hickie combines compassionate guidance with the latest scientific findings. The book offers hope without sugar-coating the reality of depression.

    Perfect for: People living with depression and their loved ones. Mental health professionals could also gain from checking it out. Essentially, anyone seeking clear, myth-busting information about depression and mental health.

    Key takeaway: Understand depression’s true nature. Recognise that recovery paths are highly individual. If you struggle with depression, it can feel like you’re stuck in a maze. However, it is possible to find a way out and reclaim a fulfilling life.

    98. The Happiness Curve: Why Life Gets Better After 50 by Jonathan Rauch

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.64/5

    The midlife crisis stereotype that we often see depicted in stories has some basis to it. However, this does not mean it is a personal failing or that we need to leave our marriage or buy a convertible.

    Rauch reveals the U-shaped happiness curve. The data shows that life satisfaction naturally dips in midlife before climbing again. This pattern appears across nearly all cultures. Happiness tends to be high when we are young and in our late teens and early 20s. It then starts to decline until it is at its lowest point between 45 and 49. It then starts to rise again until our highest average reported well-being at age 75.

    What makes it special: Midlife dissatisfaction is a normal transition that the average person goes through. Other people’s experiences show that your later years probably won’t feel as bad as you imagine. In fact, 75-year-olds are often happier than the rest of us.

    Perfect for: Anyone in their 40’s feeling stuck. It is also great for young people worried about getting older. I’d recommend it to anyone curious about how happiness changes over time.

    Key takeaway: if you’re experiencing unhappiness in midlife, you’re not broken or having a crisis. You’re experiencing a normal, biologically-driven process. This will naturally improve as you age. You will develop different priorities focused more on meaning, relationships, and gratitude than on achievement and competition.

    97. Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope by Mark Manson

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.68/5

    Manson’s follow-up to his mega-hit delivers more blunt wisdom about hope, meaning, and living well in a chaotic world. He explores why we feel anxious despite unprecedented comfort and how to find strength in accepting life’s limits.

    What makes it special: Dark humour meets philosophy in a book. It disrupts traditional self-help with raw honesty. The book also fosters intellectual curiosity.

    Perfect for: Fans of contrarian thinking, anyone facing existential anxiety, or those who appreciate humour with their philosophy.

    Key takeaway: The central message is that meaning and hope aren’t given to us by the world. We must actively construct them through our choices, values, and how we interpret our experiences.

    96. Win Bigly: Persuasion in a World Where Facts Don’t Matter by Scott Adams

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.73/5

    The Dilbert creator applies his knowledge about the topic of persuasion to explain why emotional appeal often trumps facts. Using Trump’s rise as a case study, Adams breaks down the psychology of influence and communication.

    What makes it special: Whether you agree with the politics or not, Adams provides fascinating insights. He explains how persuasion truly operates in high-stakes situations.

    Perfect for: Marketers, salespeople, political junkies, and anyone curious about influence and communication strategies.

    Key takeaway: Persuasion is less about logical arguments and more about understanding human psychology, emotional triggers, and cognitive biases. Adams argues that mastering these techniques can help you become more influential. It also makes you more resistant to manipulation by others.

    95. The Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self-Control by Walter Mischel

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.73/5

    The scientist behind the famous marshmallow experiment reveals that self-control isn’t fixed—it’s a learnable skill. Mischel shows how delayed gratification affects everything from financial planning to relationships.

    What makes it special: It offers hope by proving willpower can be developed, plus practical “cooling strategies” for managing temptation.

    Perfect for: Parents, educators, therapists, and anyone wanting to improve their self-discipline and decision-making.

    Key takeaway: Self-control is not a fixed trait. It is a skill that can be learned and strengthened. This occurs through specific strategies and practice.

    94. I Hate You– Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.79/5

    This groundbreaking book brought Borderline Personality Disorder into mainstream awareness. It explains the intense emotional swings and relationship patterns that characterize Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) with compassion and clarity.

    What makes it special: It validates chaotic emotions while offering hope through modern treatments like Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

    Perfect for: Loved ones of someone with BPD, people recognising BPD traits in themselves, and mental health professionals.

    Key takeaway: People with BPD can develop more stable relationships. They can better regulate their emotions. They can be more mindful. They can also calm their distress. There may be ongoing challenges. However, people with BPD can enhance their quality of life with better understanding, effective treatment, and support. .

    93. iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy — and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood — and What That Means for the Rest of Us by Jean M. Twenge

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.79/5

    Twenge uses massive datasets to show how smartphones and social media have fundamentally changed the generation born after 1995. She reveals both the positives (more tolerant, less risky behavior) and negatives (rising anxiety and depression).

    What makes it special: It provides data-driven insights into a generational shift that affects millions of young people. Decades of research supports Twenge’s claims.

    Perfect for: Parents of teens, educators, therapists working with youth, and anyone curious about how technology shapes human behaviour.

    Key takeaway: The smartphone revolution has fundamentally altered adolescent development. It has created the first generation to mature entirely in a digital environment. There are profound consequences for their mental health, social development, and preparation for adult life.

    92. The Mindful Body: Thinking Our Way to Chronic Health by Ellen Langer

    Goodreads.com star rating = 3.80/5

    Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer argues that our beliefs and mindset significantly shape our physical health. This isn’t mystical thinking—it’s grounded research on how expectations influence everything from blood sugar to aging.

    What makes it special: Secular, scientific approach to mind-body health that challenges “diagnosis as destiny” thinking without making false promises.

    Perfect for: People with chronic illness, healthcare professionals, and anyone curious about the psychology of healing and growing older.

    Key takeaway: our health is not predetermined by genetics or age alone. It can be significantly influenced by how we think about our bodies and health. We can improve our physical well-being through mental shifts. This is possible by adopting mindful awareness. We should also question limiting beliefs about illness and old age.

    91. Don’t Trust Your Gut: Using Data to Get What You Really Want in Life by Seth Stevens-Davidowitz

    Goodsreads.com star rating = 3.80/5

    Stevens-Davidowitz uses data from Google searches, dating sites, and health trackers. He reveals that our instincts about happiness, success, and love are often wrong. The data tells a different story about what actually works.

    What makes it special: Clever insights backed by massive datasets, delivered with humour and humility. It’s the antidote to feel-good self-help myths.

    Perfect for: Data enthusiasts, self-help sceptics, and anyone making big life decisions who wants evidence over gut feelings.

    Key takeaway: Our intuitions about what will make us happy, successful, and fulfilled are often wrong. By looking at large-scale data patterns, we can make better decisions about relationships, careers, and parenting. This approach could enhance overall life satisfaction more than relying on gut feelings or conventional wisdom.

    Would you be interested in checking out any of these books? Stay tuned for the rest of the countdown. Another 10 books in the countdown will be released each week.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Breaking Free from Fate: Fresh Approaches to Lasting Behavioural Change

    Breaking Free from Fate: Fresh Approaches to Lasting Behavioural Change

    I read an interesting book recently called ‘Determined: Life Without Free Will’ by Robert Sapolsky.

    In it, he takes the firm stance of hard incompatibilism. Sapolsky says that the world is deterministic, which means that there is no free will. He even goes so far as to say that we are not morally responsible for our actions. Therefore, we should not be punished for them legally.

    Sapolsky says that all of our behaviours are directly generated by our biological past. Even if it feels like we have some choice in what we do, we actually do not. Our neurons fire in a certain way before we become aware of wanting to respond in a certain way. It might feel like you have decided to act in a certain way. You might feel like you choose one action over another. However, your biology and past experiences have already determined how you are going to respond in whatever situation you are in.

    So, even if you feel like you have decided to have that second piece of chocolate cake for dessert. You might think it is a choice as opposed to that piece of watermelon. However, it was never really a choice at all. Due to your past and your preferences, your mind will make that same choice in that same situation no matter what you do.

    To me, living in a world without any free will doesn’t sound that great. It also goes against what it feels like to live my life. I don’t want to just resign myself to act however I might be most tempted. I want to try to improve myself. I want to become a better person over time.

    If there really is no free will, is there even a point to self-help, self-improvement and psychological therapy? I still think there is. However, we need to focus more on things that can make a real difference in our lives. We cannot just hope to have more willpower to make the right decisions for ourselves at the right times.

    ACT, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, focuses on accepting things as they are. This approach helps prevent people from getting caught up in the struggle of trying to change something. Without free will, maybe acceptance and self-compassion are better than trying to change things you don’t like about yourself.

    Does this mean change isn’t possible?

    Not the way I see it. Even ACT sees the importance of clarifying what is most important to you and taking action towards these things.

    Even if we have less free will than we imagine, I still think that change is possible in several ways. We can control to some degree what information we choose to take in. We can spend more time with people who are living their lives in ways that we would like to. We can spend less time with people that are draining to us. We can change the environment that we live in. Finally, we can focus on establishing healthy habits and sustainable systems. Let’s explore each of these in more detail:

    1. The information that you take in

    I try to focus on three main areas of information:

    • The news I consume. I try to minimise how much news I watch on TV, online and in the newspapers. If I do read the news, I really like the weekly newsletters from HumanProgress.org and Fix the News.
    • Social media. I still use WhatsApp and Messenger to chat with friends. However, I have deactivated and no longer have access to Instagram or Facebook. I don’t know my passwords either, so can not log back in even if I wanted to. I still have access to X and LinkedIn on my computer, but rarely check them and don’t engage with others through them.
    • My phone. I have switched my iPhone to greyscale. I turn this off if I video chat with someone. When it is on, I am much less likely to use the phone more than I want to. I do not have any games on there except for Duolingo or Elevate. I enjoy listening to audiobooks, podcasts or music while walking or at the gym. I try to minimise all other uses apart from directly communicating with friends.

    Are you happy with the information that you are taking in each day or week? Does it positively or negatively impact how you feel about yourself, others, the world or the future? Is there any type of information that you would like to see more of or less of?

    2. The people that you spend the most time with, and how you spend time with them

    A quote most often attributed to motivational speaker Jim Rohn says

    “you’re the average of the five people that you spend the most time with”

    Who are the five people that you are closest with in your life? What influence do you think that they have on you?

    Now, I am not suggesting that you should stop speaking to your family members or partner. They might sometimes be more critical or negative than you would like them to be. However, is there any way that some of these relationships can be improved? Through better communication? More quality time? A fun holiday? Getting back into some interesting activities or rituals that you used to enjoy? Or trying some things that you have always wanted to do together?

    If not, are there some people in your life that you don’t see as often as you would like to? Could any of these people have a positive influence on you?

    3. Better environmental design

    At the end of May 2024, I moved into my new apartment. It is a 10-minute walk from work, which brings with it lots of potential benefits. I can spend less time commuting, which frees up more time for doing more enjoyable things that I would like to do in my life.

    Additionally, it also has a great gym in the apartment complex, an indoor swimming pool, and some reformer Pilates beds. I have been working out more, and feeling healthier, fitter and stronger as a result. Since moving, I have also joined two sports teams for the first time since 2020. In general, I feel like my environment is helping me to live more of the life I want to live.

    I no longer have alcohol or any drinks with added sugar in them at my apartment. It means that if I am thirsty, I can have soda water or water. I have also cut out having deep-fried foods, chips, cakes or chocolate at home. By removing these things from my home, I am less prone to turn to them when I am bored or hungry. If I really want these things, I can still have them when out socialising, and at least get the benefits of social connection.

    Thinking about your own environment, are there certain things at the moment that you are spending more time doing than you would like to be? Are there things that you would like to replace it with instead?

    4. Healthy habits or sustainable systems

    The things that I know are positive or good for me include:

    • Being socially connected and catching up with friends in person at least once a week. This also means staying in touch with my family and those who are important to me. Ideally, this would also include spending some time with people with whom we share similar interests or hobbies and can do these things together.
    • Seeing clients face to face. By working so close to home, I hope to be able to keep my working time to when I am in my office and give all of my clients the option to come in and see me face-to-face if they would like to do this. Online sessions can be really convenient for people who live too far away or want therapy without it taking as much time out of their day. However, some studies suggest that we don’t get as many of the positive social benefits by talking to people online or over the phone as we do with connecting in person.
    • I now have a good morning routine since the start of 2024 of doing Duolingo, Elevate, meditation on Waking Up, and journalling on Stoic.
    • I try to maintain some healthy habits of going to the gym, swimming at the pool and doing Pilates regularly, and walking 7,500 steps every day. As I live in a city environment, if I can do some of this walking in nature, such as at the Royal Botanical Gardens or around Albert Park Lake, that is even better.
    • Having enough novelty and adventure in my life, including some healthy competition through sport again. I also want to try to see if I can plan some holidays again for the future, and book these enough in advance so that I get the benefits of planning for them, looking forward to them, and being able to enjoy going on them.
    • Not working too much, and making sure that I am being as efficient as possible with my administrative tasks and processes at work so that I can enjoy my time when I am at home and with others. Hopefully, this can also leave enough time for downtime and relaxation, reading books I enjoy, watching movies or TV shows or documentaries I like, and learning or being creative in the ways I would like to be.

    What healthy habits or systems would you most like to incorporate in your life if possible? Are there any pain points now where you put off doing certain tasks that you know that you have to do? Could there be a better way to think about it less and get it done more easily?

    Conclusion

    According to Robert Sapolsky, because we don’t have any free will, we are not to blame for the things that happen in our lives. We are not to blame for our genetics, or what has happened in our past. Everything that we have done makes sense given our genetics, experiences and environment. Therefore, the more that we can accept ourselves, and the more self-compassion we can have towards ourselves, the better.

    However, we can nudge our behaviours in the right way moving forward through healthy nutrition, positive social support, healthy sleep, regular exercise, positive information, necessary medication and setting up our environment, habits and systems in healthy ways.

    If we really don’t have as much free will (and willpower), as it sometimes seems, the other levers that we can pull to change our behaviours become even more important. Try to not beat yourself up for what has happened in your past. Instead, focus on changing the external things in your life going forward that can help contribute to your positive long-term success.

  • Why 18 is the New 15: The Negative Consequences of Always Wanting Our Children to Feel Special and Safe

    Why 18 is the New 15: The Negative Consequences of Always Wanting Our Children to Feel Special and Safe

    In 1970, children were “ready” to enter Grade One at Primary or Elementary School if they travelled independently around their neighbourhood (four to eight blocks from their house).

    Six-year-olds could go to the shops and buy things by themselves or walk or ride to school if close enough. Children also knew how to explain to a police officer where they lived if asked.

    These days, the police officer would probably arrest the parents for neglect if a six-year-old child was found four blocks from home by themselves.

    Times have changed, but is this always a good thing for our children?

    I remember having a lot of freedom growing up. My mother would let me and my siblings play down at the park by ourselves two blocks away from our house. My brother was 7 or 8, I was 5, and my sister was 2 or 3. We weren’t entirely alone. According to my mother, we had a pet Rottweiler watch over us too, and “she would never have let anyone hurt you kids!”.

    We rode or walked ourselves to and from school when my brother was in grade 5, I was in grade 3, and my sister was in grade 1. It wasn’t just a bike path either. We had to ride on roads, cross over a river and railway tracks, and not even at a designated crossing. My parents had to work, so we travelled by ourselves.

    After school, we’d come home, open the door, make a snack, and play some games or watch TV until our parents came back from work. We were “latch key kids”, and I don’t think we minded too much at all.

    Growing up, we played outside unsupervised by adults all the time. We were running around with the other kids on the street, playing a sport or making up games, having water bomb fights during the day or playing spotlight at night. We’d ride to the milkbar whenever we felt like ice cream or a snack and even did a paper round in the neighbourhood with my brother a few times well before we were old enough to work legally.

    There were a few scraped knees, and maybe some storm drains that we shouldn’t have gone down. But I knew how to bike ride all over town to my friend’s places by my 10th birthday. Exploring places with my friends and without any parents were some of the best memories of my childhood.

    Fast forward to 2024, and most children will have to wait until they leave their family home to get the same amount of unsupervised time outside that I had before I was a teenager. They spend less time hanging out with their friends in person, and any time they spend is likely to be supervised by their parents or done alongside them, even when they go to the local shopping mall.

    In her excellent book, ‘iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids are Growing up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy — and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood’, the author Jean Twenge says that as a result of the reduced freedom for our youth, the typical 18-year-old in 2022 is similar in maturity levels to what a 15-year-old was back in 1970.

    These days, children and adolescents are less capable of living, socialising, or working independently than the previous generations and are suffering more psychologically.

    Depression, anxiety, narcissism and deliberate self-harm have all been increasing, and dramatically so since 2012. Unfortunately, this also coincides with the widespread proliferation of smartphones into our society.

    Parents should give their children more freedom in the real world while also being more concerned about the safety of their children online. Adolescent girls appear to be particularly impacted by the introduction of the smartphone and the increased usage of social media that comes with this. As a result, suicide rates among teenage girls have risen to the point where they are now similar to suicide rates in boys of the same age.

    What would you prefer to build in a child?

    A. A conviction that they are amazing, just the way they are?

    or

    B. A belief that they can face and overcome most of the challenges they face in life if they learn from setbacks and feedback and apply themselves?

    You may answer both, but what would it be if you had to choose one?

    Self-esteem (A), defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as:

    “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself”

    or

    Self-efficacy (B), which Psychologist Albert Bandura defined as:

    “the belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the sources of action required to manage prospective situations.”

    After decades of research, we now know that focusing on building a child’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem (A) at the expense of improving their capacity and self-efficacy (B) in learning and doing things by themselves can have some adverse side effects.

    Research on Self-Esteem:

    LOW SELF-ESTEEM IS NOT GREAT

    • Low self-esteem correlates with increased violence, teenage pregnancy, suicide, low academic achievement and increased rates of school dropout (Misetich & Delis-Abrams, 2003)
    • Living alone, being unemployed, having low socioeconomic status or having a disability is linked to lower self-esteem (von Soest, Wagner, Hansen & Gerstorf, 2018)
    • 70% of girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up in some way (Dove Self-Esteem Fund, 2008)
    • Teenagers with low self-esteem have less resilience and a greater sense of hopelessness (Karatas, 2011)

    HEALTHY LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM IS BENEFICIAL

    • People with healthy self-esteem are more resilient and able to respond helpfully and adaptively to disappointment, failure and obstacles (Allegiance Health, 2015)
    • In China, self-esteem significantly predicted life satisfaction (Chen, Cheung, Bond & Leung, 2006)
    • School programs that build self-esteem in primary school children also reduce problem behaviours and strengthen connections between the students (Park & Park, 2014)

    HIGH SELF-ESTEEM ISN’T ALWAYS A POSITIVE

    • Abraham Maslow put self-esteem as a need in his hierarchy of needs pyramid. However, he later noted that individuals with high self-esteem are more apt to come late to appointments, be less respectful, more casual, more condescending, and much more willing to make themselves comfortable without bidding or invitation.
    • Carl Rogers, another Humanistic Psychologist, got so sick of new staff coming into his Western Behavioural Sciences Institute with no desire or ability to work that he once sent out a letter that said, “less self-esteem please; more self-discipline!”
    • People with fragile or shallow high self-esteem are no better off than individuals with low self-esteem. They engage in exaggerated tendencies to protect, defend and enhance their feelings of self-worth (Kernis, 2008)
    • Academic performance is weakly related to self-esteem, with some students doing worse academically after their self-esteem increased (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger & Vohs, 2005)

    Baumeister has looked extensively into the issues with some types of high self-esteem. He found that:

    • Students with high self-esteem tend to overestimate their abilities. They also like to boast to others about what they can do.
    • High self-esteem doesn’t make people more attractive to others; it just makes the individual think they are more attractive
    • Bullies at school and work tend to have higher reported levels of self-esteem
    • People with high self-esteem are more likely to take risks and engage in unprotected sex. They tend to be impulsive and not think through the consequences of a decision before acting
    • People with high self-esteem are more likely to be prejudiced against others. They tend to be smug and superior when interacting with others
    • People with high self-esteem are less likely to work through and overcome relationship conflicts. They can be abusive in relationships and assume their needs come first no matter what situation they are in
    • People with high self-esteem seem blind to their faults and are less likely to learn from experience, change or improve themselves

    Research on Self-Efficacy:

    SELF-EFFICACY HELPS PEOPLE AT WORK

    • A meta-analysis of over 100 studies found a moderately strong correlation (.38) between self-efficacy and job performance (Stakjovic & Luthans, 1998)
    • Another meta-analysis found that high self-efficacy is related to better emotional stability and greater job satisfaction (Judge & Bono, 2001)
    • Greater self-efficacy leads to less burnout for teachers (Skaalvik & Skaalvik, 2007)
    • Increased self-efficacy in nurses can improve their work performance, reduce turnover rates and protect them from exhaustion (Fida, Laschinger & Leiter, 2018)

    SELF-EFFICACY HELPS STUDENTS AT SCHOOL

    • High optimism and self-efficacy in students lead to better academic performance, greater coping with stress, better health, and more satisfaction with school (Chemers, Ju & Garcia, 2001)
    • Increased self-efficacy leads to more enthusiasm and commitment to learning in students who had previously been struggling to read (Margolis & McCabe, 2006)

    SELF-EFFICACY CAN IMPROVE HEALTH OUTCOMES

    • Patients with cancer with high self-efficacy adjust to their diagnosis better and are more likely to adhere to their recommended treatment (Lev, 1997)
    • Patients with high self-efficacy who have joint replacement surgery exercise more frequently and improve their performance more after the surgery (Moon & Backer, 2000)
    • Improving self-efficacy can increase how much previously sedentary adults exercise, which then enhances their overall health (McAuley, 1992)
    • Parental self-efficacy can reduce the risk of postpartum depression in new mothers (Cutrona & Troutman, 1986)
    • Low self-efficacy is related to anxiety (including social anxiety and panic attacks) and depressive symptoms (Muris, 2002)

    What Can We Do?

    I’d rather have my children go to a school where teachers are more like Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. Here’s an excerpt from his excellent commencement address to his son’s year nine graduating class in 2017:

    “From time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly, so that you will come to know the value of justice. I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty. Sorry to say, but I hope you will be lonely from time to time so that you don’t take friends for granted. I wish you bad luck, again, from time to time so that you will be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand that your success is not completely deserved and that the failure of others is not completely deserved either. And when you lose, as you will from time to time, I hope every now and then, your opponent will gloat over your failure. It is a way for you to understand the importance of sportsmanship. I hope you’ll be ignored so you know the importance of listening to others, and I hope you will have just enough pain to learn compassion. Whether I wish these things or not, they’re going to happen. And whether you benefit from them or not will depend upon your ability to see the message in your misfortunes.”

    Chief Justice John Roberts

    I want our kids to learn life lessons that help them gain the skills and knowledge required to function as independent adults in the world.

    I want children to be physically and mentally healthy and suffer less from emotional and psychological disorders.

    I want them to develop high self-efficacy and a belief that they can do something by trial-and-error and effort rather than assuming that they are great no matter what they can do.

    How Do We Build Self-Efficacy?

    According to Bandura and Akhtar (2008), there are four main ways to build self-efficacy in our children’s lives:

    1. Mastery experiences: Ensure that your child has regular opportunities to take on and tackle new and challenging tasks that are just outside their current level of comfort and competence. By pushing themselves with these tasks, they will gain more self-efficacy than repeating something they already know how to do.
    2. Vicarious experiences: Ensure that your children have positive role models or mentors that they can observe doing the things you want them to know how to do. It could be you, another family member, a friend of yours or a coach. Because you are likely to spend more time with them than other people, it is essential to model the behaviours, mindset and skills you want them to learn. If you do this, they can learn from you, emulate what you do, and then get feedback on how they are going and keep improving these skills.
    3. Verbal persuasion: The type of words used in self-talk and with others can significantly affect how much self-efficacy one feels. Like Dr Carol Dweck says, in promoting a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset, we need to praise effort and what children do (their actions and intentions) rather than who they are as a person or what the outcome was. It builds up a greater desire to take on more challenging tasks in the future instead of the fear of being wrong, not succeeding, or not being “smart enough”.
    4. Emotional and physiological states: We need to focus on children’s overall mental and physical health and well-being. If they are sick, tired, sleepy, hungry, stressed, depressed or anxious, it will be more challenging for them to maintain a high level of self-efficacy, and belief in their ability to successfully tackle a challenge will decrease. By helping children look after the other areas of their health, they are more likely to have the energy and confidence to take on whatever is in front of them, overcome setbacks, and persist until they have achieved their goals.

    For more information and ideas on how to help kids to build resilience and self-efficacy, please visit the Let Grow website or learn more about the Free Range Kids’ Movement.

    Crime rates are now at their lowest point since 1963. Thanks to many societal changes, your children are physically safer growing up, yet they have way less freedom. Would you be willing to supervise your children a bit less and let them do more in the real world by themselves or with their friends if it helped them grow into independent, resilient and capable adults?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • To Trust or Not to Trust?

    To Trust or Not to Trust?

    Recently, some things have come to light that I find disappointing. A person has behaved in a self-centred way, and it puts me in an awkward situation.

    I always try to be kind, open, honest, respectful, and cooperative if given a choice. However, sometimes some people don’t play by these same rules, and the more direct you are, the more they can use this information against you.

    These experiences have led to me doubting myself. Some friends tell me that I am too trusting. Other friends tell me that the only way to respond is by playing the game and putting my own needs first.

    What should we do if someone is being unkind and only considering their needs irrespective of the consequences these actions have on us?

    Game Theory

    Game theory looks for the best rational approach in a strategic interaction between two people or groups of people. There are many different games, including cooperative games, where an official can enforce the rules and consequences, and zero-sum games, where one person’s gain is another person’s loss.

    One of the most famous examples of a game is the ‘Prisoner’s Dilemma’:

    Imagine that you are a criminal gang member and arrested alongside one of your gang associates. You are in separate rooms at the police station, and you have no way of communicating with your associate. Finally, after some time, the Police tell you that they have insufficient evidence to get either of you on a hefty charge, but enough to get both of you on a minor offence. So the Police give you and the other prisoner one of two options:

    1. You can betray your associate by testifying that they were the one who committed the crime, or
    2. You can cooperate with your associate by remaining silent and refusing to testify.

    The possible outcomes are:

    A. If you both remain silent and cooperate with each other against the Police, you both only get one year in prison.

    B. If you both try to betray each other by agreeing to testify, you both get two years in prison.

    C. If they betray you, but you’ve tried to cooperate, they get to walk free, and you get three years in prison.

    D. If they try to cooperate by remaining silent, but you betray them and agree to testify, you get to walk free while they have to go to prison for three years.

    The best rational approach is not to cooperate with your associate, because at worst, you will get two years in prison (B), and at best, you will serve no time (D). Compare this to the worst outcome of three years in jail (C) if you remain silent, and the best result is one year in prison (A). Therefore, not betraying your associate and cooperating will only lead to a worse outcome, even if you know that your associate will cooperate with 100% certainty.

    Consequently, it is not always rational to try to cooperate with someone who could potentially take advantage of you. Furthermore, it is not sound to try to cooperate with someone trying to take advantage of you.

    What About Long-term Strategies?

    Suppose two people play multiple games of Prisoner’s Dilemma and remember what the other player did previously. Does it make it more desirable to cooperate rather than betray the other person? Similar to how most relationships are in real life, crossing your associates may not be wise if you have to keep dealing with them or the rest of the gang.

    We may win more in one situation, but at what cost? This iterated version of the Prisoner’s Dilemma is sometimes known as the ‘Peace-War game’.

    In 1984, Robert Axelrod organised a tournament where participants chose their strategies in an extended version of the Peace-War game, with 2000 trials. He found that greedy approaches to the game didn’t fare too well and resulted in more years spent in prison by the end of the game.

    One of the most straightforward strategies was also the most effective — tit-for-tat. The tit-for-tat strategy aims to always cooperate in the first trial and then do what your opponent did on the previous trial for your next move. This way, you punish a betrayal with a quick betrayal back and reward cooperation with ongoing cooperation. Sometimes (in 1–5% of the trials), it is good to cooperate once even after your opponent betrays you, but generally, the most effective method is still tit-for-tat, which is interesting to know.

    After the tournament ended, Axelrod studied the data and identified four main conditions for a successful strategy when negotiating with other people:

    1. We must be nice. We should never defect or cheat before the other person does, even if we only want the best for ourselves.
    2. We must retaliate quickly and at least 95% of the time if people try to defect against or cheat us. It’s not good to be a blind optimist or always cooperate no matter what the other person does. It only leads to us being taken advantage of by greedy people.
    3. We must be forgiving and get back to trying to cooperate once we see that the other person is trying to cooperate again.
    4. We must not be envious and try to beat our opponent or score more than them. Creating a win-win scenario is ideal if possible, even if it means giving up some points by cooperating when you could defect.

    What Relevance Does This Have For Real Life?

    It may be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that screwing others over is the best way to get ahead in life. Or to not put ourselves out there so that others don’t take advantage of us. In reality, this would only be the best approach in a world where every other person tries to take advantage of everyone else every chance they can. It is not the case in any society on our planet, as far as I know. So never trusting people and always assuming the worst from others is not the way to go.

    By looking at the table above, the best outcome is to try and trust reliable individuals (and co-operate with them) and not rely on or co-operate with individuals who are not. The worst results are being hurt by putting our trust in those we shouldn’t or not letting in or co-operating with others that we really could have.

    Maybe I am a little too trusting. I assume that other people are kind and good people who have good intentions unless I am proven otherwise. It is the position that I will continue to take, even if it means that sometimes I get hurt once I realise that someone is a bit more self-centred or dishonest than I had hoped.

    Looking at the four elements of a successful negotiating strategy, I know that I am nice, forgiving and non-envious. However, the lesson that I need to learn is that of swift and appropriate retaliation or enforcing a particular consequence shortly after someone is nasty towards me. It would help deter the other person from trying any more selfish tactics in the future and could put them back on the path towards co-operating and trying to achieve a win-win situation for both of us.

    I have previously thought that if I always co-operate, I can be happy with the person I am. However, sometimes being firm and assertive and standing up for myself in the face of unkind and selfish behaviour is the far better and more self-respecting approach to take.

    I hope this article has encouraged you to not give up on trying to trust or cooperate with others. I also hope it will enable you to stand up for yourself if someone tries to take advantage of you.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Which Values Are Most Important in Your Country?

    Which Values Are Most Important in Your Country?

    Below are the findings from the seventh wave of the World Values Survey. My dad is from the US, and my mum is Australian, so I was curious to see how much I have been influenced by what people value in these countries:

    Inglehart-Welzel Cultural Map (2020)

    Neither Australia nor the USA is the most traditional or secular of all the countries surveyed. The USA is about as close to the middle as possible, showing a slight preference for Secular Values over Traditional Values (about 0.10 standard deviations above the average). Australia is more secular than both the USA and the world average.

    Neither are Australia nor the USA the highest in terms of Self-Expression or Survival Values. The USA is just under 1.5 standard deviations higher than the world average regarding Self-Expression Values. Australia also prefers Self-Expression over Survival Values and is about 2.35 standard deviations above the average, putting them in the top 2.5% of all countries endorsing these values.

    Traditional vs. Secular Values

    For the Y-axis, more traditional countries value the importance of family, religion and deferring to and being respectful of authority. Therefore, they tend to be more hostile toward divorce, abortion, and euthanasia. Countries that are more secular place less emphasis on traditional family values, religion and authority. Divorce, abortion, and euthanasia are more acceptable than in countries with traditional values.

    Australia is approximately 0.55 on the Y-axis. It means that it is half a standard deviation more secular than traditional. Australia is more secular than the UK and many countries in the Middle East, Africa and Latin America. Qatar has the most traditional values, but Ghana, Tanzania, Nicaragua, Ecuador, Trinidad and many others are too.

    Australia is more traditional than all Scandinavian countries, some Catholic European countries (especially the Czech Republic), and nearly all Confucian countries. Interestingly, Japan and South Korea are two of the highest-ranked countries globally regarding Secular Values and are less traditional than any country in Europe. I was surprised by this finding, as my Sociology lecturers at university often used Asian countries (including Japan) as exemplars of collectivist cultures. People in collectivist cultures put the goals and needs of the group, including what the authorities and their families say, over their individual needs and desires. Yet, their traditional — secular continuum findings do not indicate that for Confucian countries.

    Survival vs. Self-Expression Values

    Findings on the X-axis are also significant. For example, countries that endorse Survival Values prioritise physical and economic security over self-expression. As a result, they are less trusting and tolerant of outsiders or people who don’t fit in with what the average person does.

    Countries that endorse Self-Expression Values, on the other hand, prioritise environmental protection and want more extensive participation in political and economic life decision-making. They also exhibit greater acceptance of differences and equality for anyone previously discriminated against, whether based on country of origin, sexuality or gender.

    People from South Korea endorse Survival Values more than Self-Expression Values (approximately -0.50). Australia’s preference for Self-Expression Values (about 2.35) compared to Asian countries might also help explain why Asian countries were referred to in my Sociology lectures as examples of collectivist cultures. However, other countries, especially Egypt and Zimbabwe in Africa, endorse Security Values more than all Asian countries. Both Vietnam and Japan also show a decent preference for Self-Expression over Security Values. Perhaps my university Sociology professors were influenced by inaccurate stereotypes or did not use the best examples.

    Based on their answers to the World Values Survey and their positions on the above map, the average Australian is more likely to be happy, accept homosexuality, sign a petition and trust others than the average Japanese person or individual from the USA. Furthermore, the average American or Japanese person is more likely to endorse these four characteristics than the average Egyptian. However, the average individual from nearly every country is less likely to support Self-Expression Values than the average Swede or Norwegian. These Scandinavian countries are the top two globally, just ahead of Iceland, Denmark and New Zealand.

    Which Areas of Life are Most Important?

    As a dual citizen of Australia and the USA, I will include each country’s results on the following questions to the countries that most and least endorsed each item as very important. Here are six areas of life that the World Values Survey asks people about in terms of how important they are to them:

    1. How important is your family in your life?

    The country with the highest percentage of people who endorse family as very important: Egypt = 99.7%

    USA = 91.0%

    Australia = 90.2%

    The country with the lowest percentage of respondents who endorse family as very important: Nicaragua = 77.8%

    2. How important are friends in your life?

    The country with the highest percentage of people who endorse friends as very important: Serbia = 62.6%

    Australia = 52.4%

    USA = 50.7%

    The country with the lowest percentage of respondents who endorse friends as very important: Myanmar = 11.8%

    3. How important is leisure time in your life?

    The country with the highest percentage of people who endorse leisure time as very important: Nigeria = 67.5%

    Australia = 42.8%

    USA = 39.5%

    The country with the lowest percentage of respondents who endorse leisure time as very important: Vietnam = 12.8%

    4. How important is politics in your life?

    The country with the highest percentage of people who endorse politics as very important: Nigeria = 34.8%

    USA = 14.9%

    Australia = 10.3%

    The country with the lowest percentage of respondents who endorse politics as very important: Serbia = 4.4%

    5. How important is work in your life?

    The country with the highest percentage of people who endorse work as very important: Indonesia = 92.9%

    USA = 39.4%

    Australia = 33.1%

    The country with the lowest percentage of respondents who endorse work as very important: New Zealand = 29.1%

    6. How important is religion in your life?

    The country with the highest percentage of people who endorse religion as very important: Indonesia = 98.1%

    USA = 37.1%

    Australia = 13.8%

    The country with the lowest percentage of respondents who endorse religion as very important: China = 3.3%

    Neither Australia nor the USA is the highest or lowest country regarding endorsing any of the six categories as very important in their life. It’s nice to see that family, friends and leisure time are all considered more important in life in the USA and Australia than work, religion and politics. However, I wonder if everyone lives in line with what values they say are most important to them.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • My Top 20 Inspirational Quotes

    Photo by Clemens van Lay on Unsplash

    20. “A Year From Now You Will Wish You Had Started Today.” — Karen Lamb

    Photo by Simon Berger on Unsplash

    19. “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” — Maria Robinson

    Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

    18. “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.” — Benjamin Franklin

    Photo by Jacek Dylag on Unsplash

    17. “Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. ‘To know all is to forgive all.’” Dale Carnegie

    Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

    16. “Rules for Happiness: Something to do, Someone to love, Something to hope for.” — Immanuel Kant

    Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

    15. “I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” — Jimmy Dean

    Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

    14. “Though philosophers have traditionally been concerned with the pursuit of happiness, far greater wisdom would seem to lie in pursuing ways to be properly and productively unhappy. The stubborn recurrence of misery means that the development of a workable approach to it must surely outstrip the value of any utopian quest for happiness” — Alain de Botton

    Photo by Alwi Alaydrus on Unsplash

    13. “In a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks.” — Warren Buffett

    Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

    12. “Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” — Albert Einstein

    Photo by Chang Duong on Unsplash

    11. “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” — Helen Keller

    Photo by Vadim Bogulov on Unsplash

    10. “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” — Elbert Hubbard

    Photo by Husna Miskandar on Unsplash

    9. “Find A Group Of People Who Challenge And Inspire You, Spend A Lot Of Time With Them, And It Will Change Your Life.” — Amy Poehler

    Photo by Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash

    8. “It Is Not The Strongest Of The Species That Survive, Nor The Most Intelligent, But The One Most Responsive To Change.” — Charles Darwin

    Photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash

    7. “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” — Aesop

    Photo by Eila Lifflander on Unsplash

    6. “The Ultimate Measure Of A Man Is Not Where He Stands In Moments Of Comfort And Convenience, But Where He Stands At Times Of Challenge And Controversy.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.

    Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

    5. “Never Believe That A Few Caring People Can’t Change The World. For, Indeed, That’s All Who Ever Have.” — Margaret Mead

    Photo by TJ Dragotta on Unsplash

    4. “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” — Michael Jordan

    Photo by Mick Truyts on Unsplash

    3. “Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are!” — John Wooden

    Photo by Hadija Saidi on Unsplash

    2. “Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers.” — Rainer Maria Rilke

    Photo by Oliver Roos on Unsplash

    1. “Two roads diverged in a wood … I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.” — Robert Frost

  • Why Bother Overcoming Fears?

    Why Bother Overcoming Fears?

     Last weekend I managed to complete my PADI Open Water SCUBA Diver Course:

    PADI Temporary Card — Open Water Diver

    Name: Damon Ashworth
    Instructor Number: 305944

    This person has satisfactorily met the standards for this certification level as set forth by PADI.

    It was a pretty big challenge for me since I don’t really like being on boats and find it scary just swimming out in the middle of the ocean. But, I did it because a close friend asked me if I would be her dive buddy for the course, and I thought there would be no better opportunity than when I am already living in Vanuatu, home to some of the best dive sites in the world.

    To get your Open Water Card, you need to pass many theory tests about diving, and you need to complete 24 skills in a pool and then replicate these skills out in the open water across four dives. We saw a shipwreck, some amazing coral and sea life, and even a few small reef sharks during the open water dives.

    The scariest part to me was when I was up to 18 metres underwater, knowing that I’d need to stop for 3 minutes at 5 metres on the way up and ascend slowly to avoid decompression sickness. It meant that if I felt a bit anxious or panicky for whatever reason, I couldn’t just get out to the surface straight away and start gasping for air. Instead, I had to remain calm, breathe slowly and steadily using my regulator, put some confidence in my divemaster who was guiding us through the training and focus on whatever was in my control instead of worrying about things that were out of it.

    Fortunately, I successfully completed the dives and all the skills. Some moments were pretty cool, especially seeing the wreck and the sea life on the coral reef. In general, though, I didn’t love it and was utterly exhausted and a little bit relieved once I did it.

    So how do I know if it was worth it? Should I have bothered challenging myself to do something where I worried I could have died if something went badly wrong?

    When Is It Worth Facing Your Fears?

    The answer is it depends. It depends on:

    1. What scares you?
    2. How afraid you are (on a scale from 0 = no anxiety at all to 10 = completely overwhelmed and having a panic attack)?
    3. How safe or dangerous is the thing that you fear? and
    4. Will it impact your quality of life if you do not face up to your fear or try to overcome it?

    Suppose what you fear has a low risk of actually occurring. The activity is relatively safe even though it feels scary, and not doing it has a significant negative impact on your life. In that case, it is worth trying to challenge yourself and overcome your fears.

    For me:

    1. I think the fear of SCUBA diving was dying.
    2. The thought of actually going SCUBA diving increased my anxiety to a 7/10, which is high but not quite at the panic stage.
    3. The 2010 Diver’s Alert Network Workshop Report found that only one-in-211,864 dives end in a fatality. SCUBA diving is riskier than flying in an aeroplane or riding a bike but much less dangerous than driving a car, skydiving, or running a marathon. We’re even more likely to die from walking or falling on stairs than we are from SCUBA diving.

    4. If I never went SCUBA diving, I doubt that it would have reduced my quality of life in any way. I did it mainly because I wanted to spend time with my friend, and I wanted to challenge myself to face my fears, as not being able to overcome any fears would have a substantial negative impact on my quality of life.

    I am glad to get my PADI Open Water Certificate based on the above information. I’m not too sure if I will ever go again, though. I could enjoy it more and become less anxious about diving over time, and that did happen even across my four open water dives. If I went again, my anxiety might be a five or a six. In reality, though, I think I can enjoy snorkelling just as much without it lowering my quality of life in any way, and I’ll probably do that more than SCUBA diving in the future.

    What Are the Most Common Fears?

    The top ten most common specific phobias are:

    1. Arachnophobia — fear of spiders
    2. Ophidiophobia — fear of snakes
    3. Acrophobia — fear of heights
    4. Agoraphobia — fear of crowds or open spaces
    5. Cynophobia — fear of dogs
    6. Astraphobia — fear of thunder and lightning
    7. Claustrophobia — fear of small spaces
    8. Mysophobia — fear of germs
    9. Aerophobia — fear of flying
    10. Trypanophobia — fear of injections

    Looking at the above common phobias, they all have some basis for why we may become afraid of them. Some spiders and snakes can kill, as can dogs (especially if they have rabies). Planes can crash, and falling from high up can be fatal. People can become trapped and suffocate in a small space or crowds, and lightning strikes have killed people. Germs and bacteria spread disease too. Medical mishaps are the third most significant cause of death in the US, according to the latest figures from the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Unfortunately, our brain is not very good at distinguishing dangerous things versus things that feel dangerous but are pretty safe.

    How Do We Overcome Fears?

    We overcome any fear through the dual process of gradual exposure and cognitive reappraisal after the exposure:

    1. We determine what fear it is we would like to master. Preferably, this is something that you are currently avoiding that is negatively impacting your life, such as not going to the doctor or dentist because you are afraid of needles.

    2. We develop an exposure hierarchy on this fear. It should have at least five tasks that you want to do ranked from least scary to most scary (scale from 0–10). For Arachnophobia, it may be a 2/10 for looking at pictures of spiders to a 4/10 for watching videos of spiders. Then a 6/10 for looking at spiders in an enclosure to a 10/10 for letting a spider crawl up your arm.

    3. We start with the least scary task first and stay in the situation for at least 10 minutes if possible. It should be long enough for the anxiety to peak and then reduce substantially during the exposure exercise. A psychologist can teach specific behavioural and thinking skills to help lower stress levels during exposure.

    4. We reflect on the exposure experience afterwards and try to change our previously held beliefs about what we fear. It is called cognitive reappraisal and is done by asking ourselves, “how did it go?” “was it as bad as I thought it would be?” and “how would I approach a similar situation in the future?”

    5. Once we are comfortable with that level of the exposure hierarchy, we repeat steps three and four with the next task on the exposure hierarchy. Then, once we become comfortable with the next step, we take each step until we are successful with all tasks on the hierarchy. By the end, you have overcome or mastered the fear.

    What if What I Fear is Dangerous?

    If you have Ophidiophobia and live in Australia, you’re probably not going to want to befriend a snake that you run into out in the bush. Australia is home to 21 out of the 25 most deadly snakes globally. If you want to overcome this fear, you might want to learn instead how to distinguish between poisonous and non-poisonous snakes and get more comfortable only with deadly ones from behind solid glass panels at your local zoo. Or you could visit someone who owned a harmless pet snake so that you could get used to being around it and touching it and realising that you are safe.

    If you’re afraid of heights, I wouldn’t suggest being like Alex Honnold and trying to free climb El Capitan in Yosemite. However, testing ‘The Edge’ experience at the Eureka tower in Melbourne or even riding ‘The Giant Drop’ on the Gold Coast might be a pretty safe way to challenge your fears.

    Facts can really help some people challenge their beliefs about their fears, but nothing beats putting ourselves in a feared situation first and then challenging our beliefs afterwards.

    For me, knowing that only 12 out of the 35,000 different varieties of spiders are harmful to humans makes me not worry every time I see a little one unless it is a whitetail or a redback spider.

    It helps to know that flying is one of the safest forms of travel, with a one-in-12 million chance of crashing. Likewise, although I don’t try to stand in an open field with a metal pole during a storm, it does help to know that being killed by lightning is nearly as rare, with a one-in-10.5 million chance.

    Even though I’m not particularly eager to watch it pierce my skin, needles don’t hurt nearly as much as I used to imagine, and the pain goes away almost immediately after the injection. Bacteria is everywhere, so I couldn’t avoid germs entirely even if I tried.

    If I ever feel a bit trapped or panicky the next time I dive, it will help to remind myself that I have done it before. I have my open water certificate and the skills from this, and what I’m doing is pretty safe as long as I don’t panic and follow my training.

    Just because we are afraid of something, it doesn’t mean we have to avoid it for the rest of our lives. But we don’t have to face our fears every time either, especially if it is not harming our quality of life. So if you determine it would be good to challenge yourself and try to overcome a fear, I hope the steps outlined above help, and I’d love to hear about any success stories in the comments.

  • Is it Better to be Completely Honest, a Strategic Truth-Teller or an Occasional Liar?

    Is it Better to be Completely Honest, a Strategic Truth-Teller or an Occasional Liar?

    I used to lie a lot growing up. Not quite as bad as Holden Caulfield in ‘The Catcher in the Rye’:

    “I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It’s awful. If I’m on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I’m going, I’m liable to say I’m going to the opera. It’s terrible.”
    ― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

    I remember lying to my mum about cleaning my room to go outside to play. So instead, I would push all the mess under the bed or throw it in the wardrobe.

    I remember lying about doing my homework so that I didn’t have to do it and could play video games. I would then lie about being sick the next day to finish the assignment I needed to do the night before.

    I remember lying about how many points I scored in basketball to friends or how many alcoholic drinks I had to my parents whenever they picked me up from a high school party.

    I even remember lying to my brother’s friend about my surfing skills (I didn’t have any) and to a classmate about how many languages I spoke (I can say maybe 30 words in Indonesian, Spanish, and Italian, but not much more).

    I think back to these moments, and I’m not proud of saying these things, but I can also understand why I did it.

    I wish I could have been a less lazy, more confident and self-assured kid who was always honest with his friends and strangers and did the right thing by his parents and teachers. But how realistic is that scenario, and is it even ideal?

    “The truth is always an insult or a joke. Lies are generally tastier. We love them. The nature of lies is to please. Truth has no concern for anyone’s comfort.”
    ― Katherine Dunn, Geek Love

    Why Do People Lie?

    We lie to:

    • fit in and pretend we are like others
    • stand out and pretend we are different to or better than others
    • seek approval from others
    • be seen as more loveable/desirable/acceptable
    • feel better about ourselves
    • avoid getting into trouble
    • protect other people’s feelings or avoid hurting them
    • be polite
    • avoid feeling hurt, sad, disappointed, guilty or ashamed
    • keep a secret
    • maintain confidentiality
    • be consistent with societal norms

    “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche

    What Happens if We Are 100% Honest?

    Jim Carrey plays the main character in the 1997 comedy ‘Liar Liar’. He’s a high flying lawyer who keeps disappointing his son Max by making promises to him that he doesn’t keep by putting work first. Finally, after his dad doesn’t turn up to his birthday celebration, Max wishes for his dad not to be able to tell a lie, and the magic of movies makes this wish come true.

    What results is some hilarious situations in which Jim Carrey’s character gets himself into trouble for telling the whole truth when it would be more polite to lie. It includes telling his secretary why he didn’t give her a pay rise, telling his boss that he has had better than her, and confessing to everyone in a crowded elevator that he was the one who did the smelly fart.

    The moral of the story was two-fold:

    1. Sometimes it is necessary to lie, or at least not always be brutally honest and say everything that comes to your mind, and
    2. By being tactful and as honest as possible, you may become a better person who upsets people less and has more authentic relationships.

    “One lie has the power to tarnish a thousand truths.“
    ― Al David

    Radical Honesty

    In 2007, A.J. Jacobs wrote an article for Esquire magazine about a month-long experiment on a movement called Radical Honesty. It was titled ‘I Think You’re Fat’ and is worth reading. Much more than the 1995 book called ‘Radical Honesty’ by Brad Blanton that initially inspired the article:

    Blanton had worked as a psychotherapist for 35 years in Washington D.C. and ran 8-day workshops on Radical Honesty that retailed for $2,800 back in 2007. Blanton says his method works, although he may distort some of the positive benefits for personal and financial gain. He’s been married five times and claims to have slept with more than 500 women and six men, including a “whole bunch of threesomes.” He also admits to lying sometimes.

    “She looks honestly upset, but then, I’ve learned that I can’t read her. The problem with a really excellent liar is that you have to just assume they’re always lying.“
    ― Holly Black, Black Heart

    I Think You’re Fat

    In Jacobs article, he wasn’t overly optimistic about Blanton’s version of Radical Honesty either. If we didn’t have a filter between what we say and what we notice in the world, in our body and our thoughts like Blanton advocates, the results would probably be less funny and more consequential than what happened to Jim Carrey in ‘Liar Liar’. He declares:

    “Without lies, marriages would crumble, workers would be fired, egos would be shattered, governments would collapse.” — A.J. Jacobs

    Jacobs found it impossible not to tell a lie during his month-long experiment but did cut down his lying by at least 40%. But unfortunately, he also scared a five-year-old girl, offended numerous people, and spoke about sex and attraction to the point where he felt creepy.

    On the positive, being radically honest did save Jacobs time, resulting in him having to talk less to the people he didn’t want to talk to and do less of the things he didn’t want to do. In addition, it saved him mental energy by not having to choose how much he would lie or massage the truth. It also meant that people were usually more honest with him in return, and he found out that his relationships could withstand more truth-telling than he expected. So, similar to the ‘Liar Liar’ take-away message, Jacobs concluded:

    1. Being radically honest all the time and never having a filter is likely to be inappropriate in many settings and lead to more confrontations with others, and
    2. We could probably benefit by being more authentic, honest and truthful with others, especially in intimate relationships, as secrets tend to weigh us down.

    “There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful. Those who lie, twist life so that it looks tasty to the lazy, brilliant to the ignorant, and powerful to the weak. But lies only strengthen our defects. They don’t teach anything, help anything, fix anything or cure anything. Nor do they develop one’s character, one’s mind, one’s heart or one’s soul.”
    ― José N. Harris

    What is a Lie?

    In his interesting small book ‘Lying’, Sam Harris defines a lie as:

    “Anything that is done to intentionally mislead others when they expect honest communication.” — Sam Harris

    Omission vs Commission

    In ‘Lying’, Sam Harris distinguishes between lies of commission, where the person is active in their intent to deceive, and the more passive act of omission, where the person fails to do something or say something they probably should. Both are deceptive and misleading to the audience who is the target of the action or lack of action.

    Harris believes that lies of commission are a more serious violation of ethics and likely to be more harmful. It is similar to how pushing someone in front of a train is a more serious ethical violation than not saving someone who was hit by a train when you had a chance to do so.

    Harris argues for people to stop all forms of commission and says that we can enhance our world, build trust and improve relationships by always being honest in our communication. While he believes that omission is also lying, he does not think that we can or should eliminate all forms of omission. Instead, he says that “skilful truth-telling” is sometimes required to be both honest and tactful in our words and avoid causing unnecessary harm.

    Let’s look at the following three examples to see the difference between radical honesty, lying and skilful truth-telling.

    SCENARIO ONE: Your husband asks if he looks fat in an outfit that you honestly believe isn’t flattering for him. You could say:

    A) “Yeah. You do look fat. I’d say about 10 pounds overweight. Maybe you should skip dessert for a while.”

    B) “Not at all, sweety. You look amazing!”

    C) “You look nice, but I think I prefer the black jumper and blue jeans I bought you a few weeks ago. Want to try that one and see which one you feel better in?“

    SCENARIO TWO: Your sister and her family are in town for the week and have decided to stay at your place for the whole time because they want to save money. You don’t dislike them, but you’d prefer to be catching up on your work that you are behind on. On night four, she notices you are a little tense and asks if you mind them staying there. You could say:

    A) “I do. I wish you weren’t so tight and could have paid for a hotel if you planned to stay more than three nights. A week is pushing it, and I’d prefer you left.”

    B) “Mind? Are you kidding? I love it. The more, the merrier, I always say! Stay for as long as you’d like.”

    C) “It’s a busy week for me in terms of work, so it wasn’t ideal timing for me. If I seem a bit tense, I’m sorry. I do want to be able to help you guys out because family means a lot to me.“

    SCENARIO THREE: You’ve been unemployed for six months and get a job interview to wait tables at a restaurant in town. You’d ideally prefer an acting job. The restaurant boss asks what your career plans are, as they want to hire someone who will stick around. You could say:

    A) “Well, acting has always been my passion, so this is just a stop-gap job to pay the bills and put food on the table. I couldn’t care less about the job or your restaurant. I want a regular paycheck so that I can pay my rent and bills until I get a real job.”

    B) “I’d love to become a professional waiter. I’ve always thought that providing great service to people is my calling in life, and I plan to stick around for at least five years and show everyone just how amazing your restaurant is. So I’m in it for the long haul.”

    C) “I’m not too sure about what will happen with my career, but at this stage, I’d like to be able to work here. I am available seven days a week and will put in 100% effort whenever I am on shift. I am also willing to learn whatever skills are required, and I can promise that I will give you as much notice as possible if my plans ever do change in the future.“

    In each scenario, A is the radically honest response, B is the active lying or commission response, and C is the skilful truth-telling response. Some truths are unsaid in the C responses, which is technically a lie of omission.

    Many people still believe that omissions are a big no-no:

    “When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.”
    ― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

    “A lie that is half-truth is the darkest of all lies.”
    ― Alfred Tennyson

    “At times to be silent is to lie. You will win because you have enough brute force. But you will not convince. For to convince you need to persuade. And in order to persuade you would need what you lack: Reason and Right.”
    ― Miguel de Unamuno

    “People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I’ve learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one’s reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one’s master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person’s view requires to be faked…The man who lies to the world, is the world’s slave from then on…There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all.”
    ― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

    Is it Ever Helpful to Lie to Ourselves?

    The short answer is yes. It is psychologically healthier to be slightly optimistic rather than entirely realistic. Research indicates that people with depression are often more realistic in their appraisals of situations and other people’s judgments than people without depression. Most “healthy people” believe that they are better drivers, more intelligent, better workers, better parents, and better lovers compared to the average person.

    People lie to themselves because they like to feel that they are important and maybe more unique or special than they are. To prove this point, how would you feel if someone told you that you were just “average”? People also like to see themselves as good people who behave in particular ways for sound reasons. Even people that consistently cause harm to themselves or others.

    Anyone with an unhealthy addiction becomes an expert at lying to themselves and others. This secrecy and dishonesty only further fuel the sense of depression, shame and guilt that people with addiction feel. As long as they are in touch with the truth of the situation and the consequences of their actions. Most addicts are not, however, thanks to in-built defence mechanisms.

    Defence mechanisms are mostly subconscious or unconscious methods that we engage in to protect our ego or positive sense of self. Some of the more famous ones are denial, humour, repression, suppression, rationalisation, intellectualisation, projection, displacement and regression. My personal favourite is reaction formation (click here for a full description of these defence mechanisms and how to identify yours). Most people will deny engaging in defence mechanisms if you ask them directly about it, but they’ll tell you that others do. The reality is we all lie to ourselves at times, and maybe we need to lie to maintain a “healthy” outlook on ourselves, others, the world and our future.

    “The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche

    “I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.”
    ― S.E. Hinton, The Outsiders

    “The best lies about me are the ones I told.”
    ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

    “Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they’re honest about everything.”
    ― Chuck Klosterman

    So What Can We Do?

    The most accurate recommendations that I could find on lying were also some of the simplest:

    “If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today.”

    ― Bruce Lee

    “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.“

    Mark Twain

    I agree with Sam Harris that it is a worthwhile aim to never be actively dishonest. Furthermore, this approach is consistent with one of Jordan Peterson’s better rules from his ’12 Rules for Life’ book — Rule #8: “Tell the truth — or, at least, don’t lie“

    The philosopher Robin Devenport wouldn’t agree with either Harris or Peterson. He states:

    “it is impossible for anyone to be truly honest about many things, as long as he (or she) carries biased perspectives, hidden resentments, unresolved longings, unacknowledged insecurities, or a skewed view of self, to name just some inner human conditions… if absolute honesty is impossible, then we are all liars by nature, at least to a degree.”

    Dan Ariely concludes in his excellent book ‘The Honest Truth about Dishonesty’ that we all tend to lie to everyone, especially ourselves. We lie only as much as we know we can get away with, but not so much that it becomes hard to keep seeing ourselves as good people.

    Devenport continues:

    “Perhaps the best we can do, then, is only to lie in ways that are intended to promote another’s well-being or spare her unnecessary pain, and so further our integrity. The ‘noble liar’ is someone who tries to live by good intentions, even if that means intentionally lying to another person, if doing so is the lesser of two evils…Before we cast too harsh a judgment on the liar, let’s first understand what his motives are.”

    Robin Devenport

    We all need to be as honest as we can, especially with those we love and make sure that it is for a good reason when we lie. We also need to realise that it will never be possible to be 100% honest about everything to anyone, including ourselves, and that is okay. Other people won’t be 100% honest with you or themselves either, which doesn’t make them bad people. It’s what we lie about and why that matters.

  • Why Do Some People Cheat in Relationships and Others Remain Faithful?

    Why Do Some People Cheat in Relationships and Others Remain Faithful?

    With the development of the internet, dating websites, social media, smartphones and dating apps, it is now easier than ever for someone to cheat on their partner or spouse.

    This same technology can also make it easier to get caught due to the potential digital trail created by these unscrupulous liaisons.

    The Ashley Maddison hack and the scandal were examples of technology helping people have extramarital affairs and leading to them getting caught. The hackers tried to blackmail the company and many users and then released all their details in a massive data leak when users did not meet their demands. As a result, families broke up; and the scandal ruined reputations and even lives in the aftermath.

    The consequences of infidelity continue to have a devastating impact on individuals, partners, children and society. Yet, it remains a prevalent issue in every country and culture. Maybe even more so today with the advent of technology.

    Given the massive changes that we have gone through in the past 30 years, I am interested in finding out the prevalence rates of cheating, if our attitudes towards infidelity have changed, and if there is anything that we can do about it.

    What is Cheating?

    The definition of cheating depends on who you talk to and their expectations for their relationship. The stereotype is that males tend to perceive cheating as exclusive to physical encounters or actions. In contrast, females also see emotional infidelity as cheating. Emotional cheating is sharing something with someone you wouldn’t say to your partner. Many people also believe that relationships that exist purely over the internet or phone are also cheating, especially if you share explicit words, photos, or sexual acts on these devices.

    Weeks, Gambescia and Jenkins (2003) define infidelity as a violation of emotional or sexual exclusivity. The boundaries of exclusivity are different in each couple, and sometimes these boundaries are explicitly stated, but they are usually merely assumed. Because each partner can have different assumed limits, it is difficult for all exclusivity expectations to be met (Barta & Kiene, 2005).

    Leeker and Carlozzi (2012) believe that when someone has a subjective feeling that their partner has violated the rules around infidelity, sexual jealousy and rivalry naturally arise. If an act of adultery has occurred, the consequence is often psychological damage, including feelings of betrayal and anger, impaired self-image for the person cheated on, and a loss of personal and sexual confidence (Leeker & Carlozzi, 2012).

    Prevalence of Infidelity

    Most of the research presented in this post comes from the surprising and entertaining book ‘Modern Romance’ by Aziz Anzari (the actor and comedian) and Eric Klinenberg (a Sociologist).

    Unfortunately, people who are suspicious of infidelity sometimes have a reason to be. More than half of all men (60%) and women (53%) confess to having tried to mate-poach before. Mate-poaching means that they attempted to seduce a person out of a committed relationship to be with them instead. I can’t believe that these figures are so high.

    I also can’t believe that in “committed relationships”, where the partners are not married to each other, the incidence rate of cheating is as high as 70%.

    It gets a little bit better for married couples, with only 2–4% of married individuals admitting to having an extramarital affair over the past year in the USA. However, this increases to 30% of heterosexual men and 25% of heterosexual women who will have at least one extramarital affair at some point during their marriage. It’s scary to think that nearly one-third of all married individuals have affairs. However, it’s good to know that two-thirds of all married people stay faithful to their spouse.

    Attitudes Towards Extramarital Affairs

    In ‘Modern Romance’, an international study examines people’s views on extramarital affairs across 40 countries.

    84% of people strongly agreed that cheating was “morally unacceptable” in the USA. In Australia, 79% view extramarital affairs as morally unacceptable. Canada, the UK, South America and African countries all have similar rates of cheating disapproval as Australia. Areas with the highest disapproval rates are typically Islamic countries, with 93% of those surveyed in Turkey stating that marital infidelity is morally unacceptable, second only to Palestinian territories with 94%.

    France is the most tolerant country for extramarital affairs, with only 47% saying that cheating is unacceptable. Unsurprisingly, they also happen to be the country with the most extramarital affairs. The latest data indicates that 55% of men and 32% of French married women admit to having committed infidelity on their spouse at least once. The second most tolerant nation is Germany, with 60% finding extramarital affairs morally unacceptable. Italy and Spain are equal third, with 64% each.

    Expectations vs Reality

    When you compare the level of disapproval towards infidelity with the data on the actual prevalence of extramarital affairs, the numbers don’t quite add up. Furthermore, many people who cheat themselves still condemn the practice and would not be okay with being cheated on themselves.

    A Gallup poll on cheating found that disapproval of infidelity is higher than animal cloning, suicide and even polygamy. Although it is against the law, being married to two people is seen as less offensive than being married to one and breaching the honesty, trust and connection that you share with your partner.

    People also differ between their beliefs and practices regarding whether or not to confess infidelity.

    A Match.com US survey found that 80% of men and 76% of women would prefer their partner to “confess their mistake… and suffer the consequences” rather than “take their secret to the grave”. However, the excuse given by most people who have cheated and haven’t told their partner is that they didn’t want to hurt their partner. Interestingly, they only worry about their actions’ impact on their partner after the unfaithful act has already occurred and not beforehand.

    Unfortunately, most people try to keep their affairs to themselves and make excuses for their behaviour while demanding at the same time that their partners own up to their indiscretions if they stray. If their partner does own up, they are likely to treat them harshly for it, because, after all, cheating is considered morally unacceptable by most.

    Why Do People Cheat?

    Dr Selterman from the University of Maryland looked into why 562 adults cheated while in a “committed” romantic relationship. He found eight main reasons given for why the infidelity occurred:

    1. Anger: seeking revenge following a perceived betrayal
    2. Lack of love: falling “out of love” with a partner, or not enough passion or interest in the partner anymore
    3. Neglect: not receiving enough attention, respect or love (#1 reason for women)
    4. Esteem: seeking to boost one’s sense of self-worth by being desired by or having sex with multiple partners
    5. Sexual desire: not wanting sex with their partner or wanting to have sex more with others (a common reason for men)
    6. Low commitment: Not clearly defining the relationship as exclusive or not wanting a future with their partner or anything too serious
    7. Variety: Want to have more sexual partners or experiences in their lifetime (a common reason for men)
    8. Situation: Being in an unusual scenario, such as under high stress, under the influence of alcohol or a substance, or on vacation or a working holiday (a common reason for men)

    Interestingly, these factors suggest that infidelity doesn’t always reflect how happy or healthy a relationship is. Instead, it says more about the person who commits adultery and their personality rather than anything else.

    Ways to Reduce the Likelihood of Infidelity

    In ‘Modern Romance’, the authors explain that passionate love inevitably fades within every relationship. A loss of passionate love could lead to infidelity if people don’t realise that this may indicate how long they have been together, not an issue with their relationship.

    Companionate love, or that sense of building a life and a legacy with a partner, is different to passionate love. It can continue to grow across a relationship and a lifetime rather than decline with time. Couples in their 60s and 70s often rate their relationship satisfaction as much better than when they were younger and trying to raise children together and work full-time.

    One way to reduce the likelihood of committing infidelity is to build companionate love and a shared life and legacy together, rather than equating real love with passion.

    In his classic book ‘On Love’, philosopher Alain de Botton said that:

    “Perhaps the easiest people to fall in love with are those about whom we know nothing…we fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as beautiful, intelligent and witty as we are ugly, stupid and dull.”

    Alain de Botton

    It’s much easier to idealise or become infatuated with someone you don’t know well. Because you can imagine that they are perfect or have none of the flaws that your current partner (or you) possess.

    The quickest cure for infatuation is to get to know the person a bit more (without breaching the infidelity norms of your relationship) and realise that they are just as flawed as the rest of us. Once you understand this, leaving one flawed relationship for another and having to start all over again carries much less appeal.

    In another of his excellent books, ‘The Course of Love’, de Botton states:

    “When we run up against the reasonable limits of our lovers’ capacity for understanding, we musn’t blame them for dereliction. They were not tragically inept. They couldn’t fully fathom who we were — and we could do no better. No one properly gets, or can fully sympathize with anyone else… there cannot be better options out there. Everyone is always impossible.”

    Alain de Botton

    de Botton is not saying that we shouldn’t leave abusive and neglectful partners. He means that we need to avoid imagining that there is “a lover (out there) who will anticipate (all) our needs, read our hearts, act selflessly and (always) make everything better. (This) is a blueprint for disaster.” No one is perfect. Try to be grateful for what you have with your current relationship. Trying to make your current relationship as good as possible is much healthier than imagining that “the one” could be around the corner.

    We still have the issue of love and sexual desire typically being separated in our society. Esther Perel, couples therapist and author, points this out better than anyone in her groundbreaking book ‘Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic’:

    “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling… our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness… (but) it’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned (their) sense of autonomy… Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”

    Esther Perel

    A way to keep the spark of desire alive is to ensure that even though you do many things with your partner, you must also do some things individually.

    Perel also agrees that both love and desire can be maintained or grown over time with effort and a specific way of looking at things:

    “For [erotically intelligent couples], love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time. Marriage is not the end of romance, it is the beginning. They know that they have years in which to deepen their connection, to experiment, to regress, and even to fail. They see their relationship as something alive and ongoing, not a fait accompli. It’s a story that they are writing together, one with many chapters, and neither partner knows how it will end. There’s always a place they haven’t gone yet, always something about the other still to be discovered.”

    Esther Perel

    What About If Infidelity Has Already Occurred?

    If cheating has already taken place, many people say that too much pain has occurred, trust has been breached and broken, and leaving is the best thing to do. However, breaking up may not be the most straightforward, practical, or best solution in other cases. For individuals in these cases, I would recommend reading Perel’s more recent book ‘The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity’.

    In this book, Perel says that:

    “Once divorce carried all the stigma. Now, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame.”

    Perel warns against only judging the cheating, as this closes all further conversation about what happened and why. It also makes it hard to know where to go from there. Instead, Perel believes that it is much better to see an affair as a symptom of a troubled relationship or a troubled person.

    If the person is troubled, and they are remorseful for what they have done and willing to try to make amends and not cheat again, they must get help to address whatever issue led to the infidelity in the first place. But, on the other hand, be wary if they are unwilling to get help and work on themselves but merely say it won’t happen again.

    If it is the relationship that was in trouble, relationship counselling may help too. Perel says that:

    “Infidelity hurts. But when we grant it a special status in the hierarchy of marital misdemeanors, we risk allowing it to overshadow the egregious behaviors that may have preceded it or even led to it.”

    If both people in a relationship can take ownership of the behaviours they engaged in that caused pain and hurt to the other and are willing to start again to build a stronger relationship, they can have a healthy relationship in the future. It’s just never going to be the same as things were before the infidelity took place.

    My Personal Opinion

    Monogamy is sometimes challenging, but it is a choice. So is continuing to work at having a healthy relationship. We may not always have complete control over what we initially think or feel, but we do have the capacity to consider things properly before acting.

    Relationship researcher John Gottman found that couples who turn towards each other when there is an issue in their life are much more likely to stay together. Couples who turn away from each other or turn against each other when fighting are more likely to break up.

    One study found that newlyweds who remained married six years later turned towards each other 86% of the time when issues arose. Newlyweds who were divorced six years later only turned towards each other 33% of the time. Turning towards your partner when a problem occurs is the key to a close and connected relationship and is much less likely to result in infidelity or breaking up.

    For me, it comes down to personal values. I want to have a close and connected relationship with openness, honesty, and trust. I don’t want to feel like I have to hide anything, and I don’t want to do anything that I am not personally okay with or that I know would hurt those I care about the most.

    Anything that we hide from our partners tends to lead to greater distance and a feeling of disconnection. Especially with stuff we feel ashamed of or know is dishonest or disrespectful. Our body language, micro-expressions and tone of voice also tend to reveal how we genuinely feel over time if we hide something, even if we wouldn’t like to admit it.

    Existential philosophers believe that our biggest challenge in life is to come face-to-face with the true nature of who we are. Over time, our actions rather than our intentions become our character or who we are. I aim to be the best partner and person that I can be and learn from any mistakes that I make along the way so that I hopefully never repeat them. What about you?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist