In 2016, I decided to take on the challenge of accountability. As a Clinical Psychologist, being accountable was all about evidence-based living — engaging as much as possible in thinking patterns and behaviours that have been shown to lead to a happier, more satisfying, higher quality of life.
The following were the five key areas that I highlighted in my ‘Do You Want to Be Deliberately Better?’ Article:
1. Tuning in rather than tuning out
2. Turning towards my values rather than away from my fears
3. Maintaining an ideal work/life balance
4. Writing things down rather than keeping things in
5. Developing a growth rather than a fixed mindset
I made this declaration public as I was aware that people’s desire to remain consistent meant that I would be more willing to follow through on these targets and achieve these goals. All of them were based on solid research and were expected to have a positive flow-on effect for my long-term psychological well-being in 2017 and beyond.
While I did make some progress in being more accountable to myself, especially with numbers 2, 4 and 5, I continued to struggle with numbers 1 and 3.
Part of the problem was that I’ve always wanted to be able to do everything, and I struggle at times to prioritise and separate what is essential to me from what is critical to others. The other part of the problem is that I was working too hard, not saying no to what I didn’t want to do enough, and not leaving adequate time for leisure and socialising or even personal growth, creativity and health.
I was often extraordinarily drained and fatigued by the end of the workweek. I would spend most of the weekend recovering and trying to catch up on chores and paperwork to avoid falling even further behind with administrative duties than I already was. I was also financially in debt even though I was working full-time, and I was stressed out.
Mainly, I didn’t have enough time or space to reflect on where I was or what I needed, and when I did, I still didn’t make the necessary changes to ensure that my life was consistent with how I wanted it to be.
It’s not just me
What seemed to help me a lot was reading the thought-provoking self-help book ‘Take time for your life’ by Cheryl Richardson. She highlights the seven common obstacles that people seem to face in living their best lives. These are:
They generally have difficulty putting themselves first
Their schedule does not reflect their priorities
They feel drained by certain people or things
They feel trapped for monetary reasons
They are living on adrenalin
They don’t have a supportive community in their life
Their spiritual well-being comes last
I don’t know about everyone else, but I could check yes to all of these items except for number 6. I wasn’t spending as much time as I wanted with friends, but I felt well supported by them all when I did. As for the rest, I wondered, “How does she know me so well?” but then I realised how many people there are out there that must be falling into similar traps.
My aim for 2017 was to take time for my life.
Here’s how I’ve gone towards creating my ideal lifestyle so far:
I have moved into a fantastic apartment in the city where I am within easy access by bike, foot or public transport to all of my work, sport and leisure commitments.
I have begun regularly using the swimming pool, spa, sauna, and gym part of this unique apartment complex. As the gym here is excellent, I have saved by cancelling my external gym membership.
I have sold my car to avoid having to pay $70 a week for a car spot, not to mention the registration fees, car insurance, petrol, parking fees, fines, and depreciation in the car’s value. This also has the added benefits of never getting stuck in peak hour traffic and more walking and bike riding to get to places, which reduces the amount of time I need to set aside for these activities elsewhere.
I have started listening to audiobooks more whenever I am walking around the city by myself. This has resulted in me getting outdoors more, reading less inside, and opened up more time for other personal growth, leisure and social activities.
I have finished working at Mill Park and moved into the city for all of my workdays. This means that I can get up later in the morning on workdays and ride or walk or catch public transport to work no matter where I am.
I have cut down the days I see clients from 5 to 4, with Mondays now dedicated to maintenance, administration, health, creativity, and well-being. Because of this reduced workload, I am less stressed and more energetic. I am currently up to date with all of my administrative duties, paperwork, and continued professional development for the first time in 3 years.
This has also helped me enjoy my weekends more, as instead of playing catch-up on things, I can socialise and relax and plan various adventures that I may not have had the time or energy to do in the past.
Even though I am working one day less per week, by buying less stuff and reducing my expenses, I am no longer in any financial debt and am saving towards buying a place of my own.
I have now donated plasma and platelets through the Red Cross Blood Bank three times. This can be done every two weeks and takes about 45 minutes, and really can make a huge difference for those who have leukaemia and certain autoimmune diseases.
I have found a new General Practitioner, Nutritionist and Dentist to ensure that my physical health is going well and made the necessary appointments to assess or fix up any of the issues that have become apparent.
I have had a DEXA scan to assess my bone density, lean muscle mass and fat. I will be having another one of these in 3 months to monitor my progress and ensure that I remain in the healthy range for a male my age.
I have resumed monthly sessions with my Psychologist to ensure that my mental health and clinical practice are as optimal as possible.
I have signed up for a year membership with the meditation app Calm, which will help me to continue strengthening my meditation practice. I will aim to practice this for at least 10 minutes per day to make sure that I keep trying to tune in rather than tune out.
I have also booked in for a 10-day Vissapana meditation retreat in April and a 12-day P&O cruise at the end of July. Both of these getaways involve switching off from all technology for the duration of my stay. They will provide me with plenty of time for rest, relaxation and reflection, essential elements for tuning in and developing greater insight.
No Regrets?
Now that I’ve shared the changes that I’ve started to make towards my ideal lifestyle, I want to ask you this:
If you only have one life to live, and that life is yours, what changes do you need to make now to ensure you don’t accumulate any more regrets in the future?
In her viral blog post and subsequent book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”, palliative nurse Bronnie Ware listed the top five regrets that the dying people she cared for typically had. These were:
They wished they’d had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the life others expected of them.
They wish they hadn’t worked so hard.
They wish they’d had the courage to express their feelings.
They wish they’d made a bigger effort to stay in touch with their friends.
They wish they had let themselves be happier.
Remember, we tend to regret the things that we don’t do much more than those we do. So be brave, give it a go, and see what happens. If you’re not sure what you want or how to figure it out, booking in for a session with a Psychologist could definitely help!
A fascinating book that I read towards the end of 2017 was ‘The 48 Laws of Power’ by Robert Greene.
Since the book was first released in 1998, it has sold over 2 million copies worldwide and has influenced many successful people, from Will Smith to Kanye West, Jay-Z and 50 Cent, who later co-wrote a New York Times’ bestseller with Greene.
It is also the most highly requested book in U.S. prisons due to the synthesis of Machiavelli, Sun Tzu and other famous writers’ key prescriptions for effectively managing power struggles in difficult environments.
Some of the 48 laws do seem contradictory, and others seem a little repetitive. Still, there are some truly great bits of advice for effectively managing situations where power may play a role. This might be a corporate environment, a difficult but smaller workplace, a large social group, to really anywhere where there is a power imbalance between people or a formal or informal hierarchy.
Here are my 10 favourite laws, including a description of each law from the following website. The parts that I especially like are bolded. Enjoy!
Law 4: Always Say Less than Necessary
When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control… Powerful people impress by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.
Like the Danish proverb that says, “deep rivers move with silent majesty, shallow brooks are noisy”, law 4 reminds me only to say things that I believe will be of value. It also helps me stay within my circle of competence and not give advice on things that I do not know much about.
Law 9: Win through your Actions, Never through Argument
Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.
A parent who smokes but tells their children not to is unlikely to be successful at persuading their children because “actions speak louder than words”. The better option is not to smoke or quit if you want to set a good example. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “you must be the change you wish to see in the world”.
Law 13: When Asking for Help, Appeal to People’s Self-Interest, Never to their Mercy or Gratitude
If you need to turn to an ally for help, do not bother to remind him of your past assistance and good deeds. He will find a way to ignore you. Instead, uncover something in your request, or in your alliance with him, that will benefit him, and emphasise it… He will respond enthusiastically when he sees something to be gained for himself.
As sad as this may appear, most people are self-motivated and want to do the right thing if it makes them look good. For example, a hybrid car such as a Toyota Prius sells well because it is known as a hybrid car. It screams out, “I care about the environment,” in a way that the Toyota Camry Hybrid does not because the hybrid version of the Camry looks almost identical to the regular Camry. The 2014 sales in the US of each car highlights this point: Prius = 194,000; Toyota Camry Hybrid = 39,500; Toyota Camry (non-hybrid) = 428,600. Figure out how what you want will benefit the other person or help them look good before you ask for a favour, and you are much more likely to get them on board.
Law 18: Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself — Isolation is Dangerous
The world is dangerous and enemies are everywhere — everyone has to protect themselves. A fortress seems the safest. But isolation exposes you to more dangers than it protects you from — it cuts you off from valuable information, it makes you conspicuous and an easy target. Better to circulate among people, find allies, mingle.
Many people that I see try to protect themselves at the cost of a real sense of connection and belonging with others. This law helps by reminding me of the dangers and costs of not opening up to honest people you can trust.
Law 23:Concentrate Your Forces
Conserve your forces and energies by keeping them concentrated at their strongest point. You gain more by finding a rich mine and mining it deeper, than by flitting from one shallow mine to another — intensity defeats extensiveness every time.
This reminds me of the saying, “jack of all trades; master of none”. If you want to make progress in anything, it is important to prioritise and put your energy into the activities and thought patterns that will give you the best results. Law 23 also helps me to build upon my strengths rather than worrying too much about my weaknesses.
Law 25:Re-Create Yourself
Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define it for you.
I often encourage my clients to clarify their most important values and see how these differ from what their family, friends, culture, or society may want. The idea of working hard and not enjoying life until retirement is not a role that I want to accept, even though this is considered normal in many respects by society. It’s much better to create and live a sustainable life for myself, whatever that may look like. Then it won’t matter if and when I retire, especially if I keep loving what I do for work.
Law 28: Enter Action with Boldness
If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honours the timid.
Law 28 reminds me not to doubt myself once I have settled on a course of action and fully commit myself to it for a set period of time instead of remaining uncertain or indecisive. Once a decision is made, it is much better to give it 100% until the next decision needs to be made. Uncertainty only leads to more stress and anxiety and less satisfaction in the long run.
Law 29: Plan All the Way to the End
The ending is everything. Plan all the way to it, taking into account all the possible consequences, obstacles, and twists of fortune that might reverse your hard work… By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you will know when to stop. Gently guide fortune and help determine the future by thinking far ahead.
This reminds me of the benefits of thinking into the future and clarifying how I would want my life to look. For example, if I had a 50th birthday and someone close to me stood up and spoke about the person I had been for the past 18 years, what would I want to hear them say? Based on my response to this, it is then important to see if my 1-, 5- or 10-year plan is helping me to head in that direction. If not, more planning and some big changes may be required, as long as my plans are flexible enough to change as I continue to grow with time.
Law 35: Master the Art of Timing
Never be in a hurry — hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself, and over time. Always (be) patient, as if you know that everything will come to you eventually. Become a detective of the right moment; sniff out the spirit of the times, the trends that will carry you to power. Learn to stand back when the time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely when it has reached fruition.
Patience is a massively underrated value, especially in today’s society. How often do you see people multitasking or telling you how busy they are? I know I sometimes do. But slowing things down and really making sure that my attention is 100% on what is most important in any given moment is a great recipe for long-term happiness and well-being. While it is important to “strike while the iron is hot”, I think it is also important not to be too reactive and make sure that the decisions you make are really consistent with your values and long-term plans. Knowing how to say no to the wrong things in life is also a crucial element of success.
Law 45: Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once
Everyone understands the need for change in the abstract, but on the day-to-day level people are creatures of habit. Too much innovation is traumatic, and will lead to revolt. If you are new to a position of power, or an outsider trying to build a power base, make a show of respecting the old way of doing things. If change is necessary, make it a gentle improvement on the past.
Trying to change my eating habits has taught me this law better than anything else recently. As soon as I try to be too restrictive, I rebel against any prescriptions. Long-term sustainable changes are again much better than short-term dramatic changes. The 20-minute walk that you manage to do is better than the 10km run you do not, so start small and try to build up slowly. If you can do this, changes are much more likely to stick.
If you want to see the remaining 38 laws, please click here or purchase the book. Some of the laws seem pretty ruthless, but pretending that they don’t exist in power dynamics is much more dangerous than learning how they work.
I also recommend checking out my dealing with toxic people article for more information on successfully managing and surviving difficult interactions.
If you were searching the web as a consumer, looking for the best Psychologist, would you know what to search for?
If you said that you would look for someone experienced, it is a good guess, but years of experience don’t seem to make too much of a difference in improving therapeutic outcomes (Minami et al., 2009).
What may be necessary is that they are a Psychologist and not a Counsellor. In Australia, anyone can call themselves a Counsellor and open up a practice, even without training. However, if they are a Psychologist, they have to have completed at least four years of undergraduate training, plus a post-graduate degree or at least two years of formal supervision. Psychologists are also obliged to abide by the Australian Psychological Society’s (APS) code of ethics, whereas Counsellors are not.
If you said the company they worked for or how much they charged, these are both good guesses. However, private practice Psychologists are self-employed and set their price for their service, or a company employs and sets their price for them. Therefore, it is unlikely that all Psychologists within the same practice are equally effective, even if they are charging the same amount.
The current recommended rate for a 45–60 minute Psychological consultation in Australia is set at $238.00 by the APS, but all Psychologists have the discretion to vary this fee. For example, services in more affluent locations often charge more, whereas services in poorer areas often charge less.
More expensive Psychologists may believe themselves to be better Psychologists too, but this doesn’t mean that they are. The self-evaluations of therapists are often not very accurate, with a largely positive bias suggesting overconfidence in their general abilities. In a 2012 study by Walfish, McAllister, O’Donnell, and Lambert (2012), they found that out of the 129 therapists surveyed, 25% estimated that their therapy results were in the top 10% compared to the other therapists. Not a single therapist believed that they were worse than the average. If this sample represents the general population, this means that at least 50% of Psychologists don’t realise how bad they are and may therefore not be aware of what they are doing wrong and what they need to do to improve.
What is known is that some Psychologist’s do consistently outperform other Psychologists (Wampold & Brown, 2005). In a 2015 study by Brown, Simon and Minami (2015), they looked at 2,820 therapists, with a combined sample size of 162,168 cases. The researchers found that the lowest-performing therapists required three times more sessions to produce successful outcomes than the average therapist. They also needed as much as seven times the number of sessions as the highest-performing therapists. So choosing the right Psychologist is a crucial task. But,
What characteristics do the best Psychologist’s have, and what do they do that makes them so successful?
1. They practice a specific model of treatment that is most recommended for your condition or is a good fit for the type of therapy you are interested in
(Model of Treatment = 15% of overall outcome variance)
There are many different schools of Psychotherapy, such as CBT, ACT, DBT, Positive Psychology or Psychodynamic Psychotherapy. They will all have research supporting their treatments as effective, especially with specific conditions (such as DBT for Borderline Personality Disorder or CBT for Panic Disorder).
What they won’t often advertise is that no matter what school of therapy it is:
None of them will help every client
The drop out rates can be pretty high
Clients who do drop out prematurely tend to fare worse than clients who can complete treatment, and
Other psychotherapy schools tend to produce similar results.
So yes, therapy helps, sometimes, and for some people. However, it is perplexing to think how the research findings are all so similar in the different schools of psychotherapy (Wampold, 2001) until it is made clear that non-specific treatment factors are shared across the various schools of psychotherapy. These non-specific factors are described below and together contribute 85% of the overall outcome variance in psychotherapeutic studies (Hubble and Miller, 2004).
Whilst one mode of therapy may not generally be more effective than another, the goodness of fit does seem to be necessary. So try to choose a Psychologist who has experience in treating your particular concern, as well as an approach or therapy model that seems to make sense or appeal to you.
2. They help you to hope, expect and believe that you can improve
(Expectancy of Treatment Effects = 15% of overall outcome variance)
An individuals’ belief that they can improve has a powerful impact on their actual improvement (Bergsma, 2008). More considerable reductions in symptom severity occur post-treatment in those with higher expectations of benefit at pre-treatment (Ogles, Lambert, & Craig, 1991; Rutherford, Sneed, Devanand, Eisenstadt, & Roose, 2010).
Greater expectations can improve hope and increase goal-directed determination, which has been shown to predict treatment completion (Geraghty, Wood, & Hyland, 2010).
Greater expectations of treatment outcomes can also improve distress tolerance. These skills can reduce distress and depression severity across treatment (Williams, Thompson, & Andrews, 2013).
Essentially, the more you expect that a Psychologist can help you, the more likely it is that you will have hope, persist with treatment, and get better.
3. They develop a warm, caring and trustworthy environment where you feel safe to explore and grow
(Therapeutic Alliance = 30% of overall outcome variance)
Another critical issue influencing treatment outcomes is adherence to the treatment interventions, recommendations and strategies. A positive therapeutic alliance can improve compliance with treatment recommendations, which plays a vital role in the overall success of a psychotherapy treatment (Wampold, 2001).
A positive therapeutic alliance improves outcomes by providing professional input and ensuring effective implementation of the strategies. In addition, if a therapeutic alliance can be established, developed and maintained (Cahill et al., 2008), patients are less likely to drop out of treatment and more likely to achieve clinically significant improvements (Miller, Hubble, & Duncan, 2008).
Regardless of the theoretical orientation or the therapist’s experience, the best outcomes happen when therapists are flexible to the needs of the patient and responsive to the feedback that patients provide. They also repair any ruptures in the therapeutic alliance as quickly as possible (Cahill et al., 2008; Miller et al., 2008).
Other research suggests that it is crucial to meet relatedness needs, dependent upon the therapist displaying warmth and genuine involvement in the treatment. As a result, the client feels a sense of caring and connection in the relationship (Ryan & Deci, 2008).
Essentially, the more you can relate to the Psychologist and feel that you are allies working towards a common objective, the more likely you are to improve.
4. They make sure that therapy is the right step for you at the moment and help you to develop the skills, knowledge and motivation needed to improve successfully
(Client’s Life-Circumstances, Personal Resources and Readiness to Change = 40% of outcome variance)
The client is the most significant factor in determining whether or not treatment will be successful, which may be surprising to some people. However, suppose their current life circumstances are unstable, unpredictable, and emotionally or physically unsafe. In that case, it will be difficult for the one hour of therapy every week or two to be sufficient to overcome all of the adverse events that are taking place between sessions.
Not everyone is a good candidate for therapy, and therapy isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. For example, suppose a client prefers not to question things, has significant cognitive disabilities or memory difficulties, is currently manic or severely delusional or psychotic, or is too emotionally labile or reactive in close interpersonal settings. In that case, therapy can have no effect or be potentially harmful.
Lastly, if a client does not believe that they have a problem, then there is not too much that can be done by a Psychologist to help them, even if their family or friends or partner or the legal system believes that a problem exists. Unless the client can create intrinsic motivation for change, positive change is unlikely to occur.
Before seeing a Psychologist, you need to be sure that:
You want to change or improve something about yourself
You are willing to put in the time and effort that it requires
You are eager to explore things to develop and grow, and
Now is a good time for you to begin the amount of treatment (both frequency and duration) recommended for you.
If you follow these recommendations when seeking out a Psychologist, it will not guarantee a successful outcome, but it will help. I wish you the best of luck with your search and therapeutic experience!
Looking at the American Film Institute’s 100 Greatest American Films of All Time list that came out in 1998, most films are super old. For example, ‘Citizen Kane’ (1941) ranked at #1, ‘Casablanca’ (1942) ranked at #2, ‘The Godfather’ (1972) ranked at #3, ‘Gone With the Wind’ (1939) ranked at #4 and ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ (1962) ranked at #5.
I loved ‘The Godfather’ but fell asleep in ‘Casablanca’ and ‘Lawrence of Arabia’. However, I agree with ‘Gone With the Wind’ being up there, especially seeing that it is the highest-grossing movie of all time, adjusted for inflation. I also need to see ‘Citizen Kane’ before making any judgments on it, but I tend to like modern movies more than most movie critics.
Out of the entire top 100, only 8 came out after 1985, the year that I was born:
Schindler’s List (1993) — #9
The Silence of the Lambs (1991) — #65
Forrest Gump (1994) — #71
Dances with Wolves (1990) — #75
Platoon (1986) — #83
Fargo (1996) — #84
Goodfellas (1990) — #94
Pulp Fiction (1994) — #95
None of these movies made my top 20 countdown either, so clearly, the movie critics and I don’t always see eye to eye.
In 2008, the AFI came out with their 10th-anniversary list, and ‘Raging Bull’ (1980) and ‘Singing in the Rain (1952) had replaced ‘Gone With the Wind’ and ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ in the top 5. The top 100 choices were still predominantly old movies, with only 14 movies released after 1985:
Schindler’s List — #8
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) — #50
Unforgiven (1992) — #68
Saving Private Ryan (1998) — #71
The Shawshank Redemption (1994) — #72
The Silence of the Lambs — #74
Forrest Gump — #76
Titanic (1997) — #83
Platoon — #86
The Sixth Sense (1999) — #89
Goodfellas — #92
Pulp Fiction — #94
Do the Right Thing (1989) — #96
Toy Story (1995) — #99
There were two movies from my top 20 countdown in the list, which makes me feel a little better. Interestingly, ‘Fargo’ and ‘Dances With Wolves’ became less admired over time and dropped out of the list. On the other hand, ‘Unforgiven’, ‘The Shawshank Redemption, ‘Titanic’, ‘Do the Right Thing’ and ‘Toy Story’ became more admired since 1998 and made the 10th-anniversary list after missing the first countdown. I hope they come out with another list in 2018 to mark the 20th anniversary and look forward to seeing what they include.
After seeing a movie these days, I get interested in knowing what movie critics thought of the movie. Rotten tomatoes is a great website that accumulates all of the professional movie critics reviews on a particular movie and gives an aggregate score out of 100% based on how many reviews are positive for the film. Here are the Tomatometer ratings for numbers 20 through to 11 in my top 20 movies of my lifetime countdown:
#20 — The Conjuring (2013) — 86%
#19 — The Castle (1999) — 88%
#18 — Midnight in Paris (2011) — 93%
#17 — Groundhog Day (1993) — 96%
#16 — Donnie Darko (2001) — 86%
#15 — Before Sunrise (1995) — 100%
#14 — The Truman Show (1998) — 94%
#13 — The Sixth Sense (1999) — 85%
#12 — Inglourious Basterds (2009) — 89%
#11 — Good Will Hunting (1997) — 97%
To qualify for this countdown, I need to have seen the movie, enjoyed it, and found that it had an emotional impact on me somehow. Here is my top 10, with their IMDb star rating and their rotten tomatoes Tomatometer score:
# 10 — Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) — IMDb star rating: 8.3/10, rotten tomatoes Tomatometer = 93%
The tagline for the movie says it all: “You can erase someone from your mind. But, getting them out of your heart is another story.” A strange but touching movie about a couple who keep going to a memory clinic to try and erase the memories of someone they love in the hope that they can move forward with their lives. However, without even knowing why, something keeps bringing them back together. Seeing that Jim Carrey now has 2 movies in my top 20, it seems that he should have played serious roles more often.
# 9 — Requiem for a Dream (2000) — IMDb star rating: 8.4/10, rotten tomatoes Tomatometer = 78%
I feel like this should be shown to anyone who thinks that drugs are cool, especially teenagers. I haven’t spoken to anyone who has watched this movie and hasn’t had a strong visceral reaction to it, either positive or negative. It may be why it has the lowest Tomatometer score out of any movie on my countdown. The director Darren Aronofsky achieved more critical acclaim for his 2010 movie ‘Black Swan’, which was also quite unsettling to watch, but this one had more of an impact on me.
# 8 — The Lion King (1994) — IMDb star rating: 8.5/10, rotten tomatoes Tomatometer = 92%
Drawing inspiration from William Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’, I was obsessed with ‘The Lion King’ when I was younger, and it first came out. The story and the music were amazing, and I bought the soundtrack on CD and the movie on VHS as soon as they were released. It’s heartbreaking, uplifting and hilarious, and my favourite Disney cartoon of all time.
# 7 — Back to the Future (1985) — IMDb star rating: 8.5/10, rotten tomatoes Tomatometer = 96%
A movie that nearly wasn’t made. When the writer and director first sent the script of ‘Back to the Future’ around to the Hollywood studios, nobody wanted to touch it. The studios knocked it back about 50 times, and it wasn’t until the director had success with another movie that it was greenlit for production. A movie about a hero who befriends a weird old scientist who takes him back into the past where he has to evade his biological mother, who is crushing on him, seems like a weird premise for a movie. However, it became a massive box office hit with two sequels and a huge fan base even to this day. Time travel, when done well, is another truly magical aspect of going to the movies. Being able to learn about where you have come from and what your parents were like when younger is another really fascinating thing that we will never be able to see unless they captured it on video.
# 6 — The Usual Suspects (1995) — IMDb star rating: 8.6/10, rotten tomatoes Tomatometer = 88%
“The smartest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist”. A very clever movie by Bryan Singer and the best in his career, in my opinion, although some of his X-Men movies were good too. But, like ‘The Sixth Sense’, it also has a twist at the end that completely changes the viewing experience of the movie. Who is Keyser Söze? It would be best to watch to find out and then see it a second time to see what signs you missed.
# 5 — The Matrix (1999) — IMDb star rating: 8.7/10, rotten tomatoes Tomatometer = 87%
I remember the marketing campaign in Australia when it first came out — “What is the Matrix?” It gave nothing away about the movie and yet made me feel like I had to watch it or I would miss out. Once I saw it, it blew my mind. Probably the most original action movie that I have ever seen. It has been copied and emulated many times since, so it probably doesn’t seem groundbreaking these days, but the bullet-dodging and slow-motion sequences were amazing. I wish they didn’t bring out the sequels, as they took away some magic from the first movie. If you had a choice, would you take the red pill and be exposed to the truth, or would you take the blue pill and live in ignorant bliss?
Another very creative and inventive premise with great visual effects. I think Christopher Nolan is a great director, and he likes to get his audiences to think. The difference between reality and dreams is something that has come up a few times on this list. Still, Inception takes it to a whole new level, saying that we can implant an idea into the subconscious mind of someone else during their sleep to impact their behaviour when they are awake. The way that time is altered at the different levels of dreams is great. Also, the spinning top at the movie’s end leaves the interpretation of what happened wide open.
# 3 — Fight Club (1999) — IMDb star rating: 8.8/10, rotten tomatoes Tomatometer = 79%
David Fincher is another of my favourite directors. He has an especially great knack for turning good books into excellent films, including this, ‘Gone Girl’ and ‘Girl With a Dragon Tattoo’. The antisocial, antimaterialistic and anarchistic nature of this film really appealed to me at the time. It made me question what I thought I knew about what was important in this world. It didn’t make me want to start a fight club or punch anyone, but to live a life that was more autonomous and genuine. The surprise ending is almost as good as ‘The Sixth Sense’ and ‘The Usual Suspects’ too.
# 2 — The Dark Knight (2008) — IMDb star rating: 9.0/10, rotten tomatoes Tomatometer = 94%
This movie is epic in scale and is really all about Heath Ledger as the Joker. I was concerned that he wouldn’t size up to Jack Nicholson’s version, but he surpassed it in every way possible and stole the scene whenever he was on the screen. It is one of the greatest performances of all time, in my opinion, and he truly deserved the Oscar for the role, especially considering the toll that it seemed to take on his emotional and psychological well-being. It was annoying that the character of Rachel changed from Katie Holmes in ‘Batman Begins’ to Maggie Gyllenhaal. Apart from that, this is the greatest Batman movie of all time, and the car chase scene through the tunnel is also the best chase scene of all time.
# 1 — The Shawshank Redemption (1994) — IMDb star rating: 9.2/10, rotten tomatoes Tomatometer = 91%
The highest-rated movie of all time on IMDb and, therefore, well-deserving of the #1 movie on my list. Interestingly, this wasn’t a big hit when it first came out but continued to build an audience over time once released for home movie consumption. Morgan Freeman is always great in movies, especially when he plays the narrator, but this one is his best. The ending is exceptionally uplifting, too and would give hope to even the most cynical viewer out there.
Thanks for checking out my list. Do let me know if you agree or disagree with any of these titles in the comments section below or if you think another title should have made the countdown!
A list like this will always be subjective, and I don’t expect others to agree with it. However, I still think it is worth highlighting the movies that have significantly impacted my life and why this is the case. If you believe something amazing is missing from the list, please let me know in the comments section below.
I was born in 1985, so the movies on the list have been released in 1985 or later. All films on the list also have to be movies:
that I have personally watched,
that I have personally enjoyed, and
that have emotionally impacted me in some way.
WHY MOVIES ARE IMPORTANT
Unfortunately, the longer I practise psychotherapy, the more I can see its limitations. Over time, it has become easier for me to look at the traps that people consistently fall into and the logical steps people need to overcome these difficulties.
However, people are not just logical creatures. They have emotional reactions to things based on their past experiences and beliefs. Therefore, for long-term change to occur, we need to connect and bring about change emotionally.
This is where stories become relevant. Whether through a good fiction book or a great movie, stories can connect with us emotionally and move us more than a rational argument ever could. Without further ado, here is my list, ranked based on their IMDb star rating:
# 20: The Conjuring (2013) — IMDb star rating: 7.5/10
Quite simply, I have never been more scared watching a horror movie in the cinema than this one. I locked my arms between the armrests so that I didn’t jump too much, and the amount of sweat I produced by the end of the movie was intense. The sequel is almost as good, but the scene where the mother wakes up and thinks that her kids are playing a clap-clap version of hide and seek is genuinely terrifying. James Wan is a master of his craft, and his supernatural stuff is much better than the Saw series.
I was tempted to include ‘Wake in Fright’, the Australian outback horror, instead of this as it has a higher IMDb rating and was an uncomfortable watch. However, the success of a scary movie needs to be about how scary it is, and therefore ‘The Conjuring’ is the perfect way to kickstart the list.
# 19: The Castle (1997) — IMDb star rating: 7.7/10
My only Australian movie on the list. I was thinking about my most quoted movie of all time, and this is a close battle with ‘Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy’ and ‘Happy Gilmore’, however ‘The Castle’ has a higher star rating and gets the nod for being an Aussie film. From “tell ’em to get stuffed” to “the vibe” to “the serenity” to “he’s an ideas man” to “we could talk for hours” and “I dug another hole”, The Castle is a truly classic Australian film. For anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, please do yourself a favour and check it out. Truly knee-slapping fun.
# 18: Midnight in Paris (2011) — IMDb star rating: 7.7/10
It is the best Woody Allen film by far, in my opinion. Many people might say ‘Manhattan’ or ‘Annie Hall’ or even ‘Hannah and Her Sisters’ may be better, but I tend to prefer the movies that Woody actually doesn’t appear in himself. When Owen Wilson’s character gets to go back in time and meet F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway and Salvador Dali and Pablo Picasso, this is movie magic at its finest. Plus, Marion Cotillard as Adriana is magical too. I’d escape Rachel McAdams as Inez for her any day.
# 17: Groundhog Day (1993) — IMDb star rating: 8.0/10
Just brilliant, in my opinion, and the best Bill Murray film by far. What would you do if you were stuck living the same day over and over again in a town that you didn’t want to be in? The main character, Phil, first tries to take advantage of others. He then commits crimes, tries to kill himself, learns skills, helps others and finally finds true love. Another great example of movies teaching us something using a method that couldn’t possibly happen in real life.
# 16: Donnie Darko (2001) — IMDb star rating: 8.1/10
This is an example of the right movie at the right time. I was experiencing a lot of suicidal ideation when this movie came out in 2001, and the main song from the movie ‘Mad World’ by Gary Jules connected with me in a way that not much else did. It seems to be the closest depiction I’ve seen of ‘The Catcher in the Rye’, my favourite novel at the time by the author J.D. Salinger. It was a dark time for me, and Donnie Darko really helped me to feel that I wasn’t alone in my struggle. It looked to be the start of a promising career by director Richard Kelly, but he doesn’t seem to have done much since 2009’s ‘The Box’.
# 15: Before Sunrise (1995) — IMDb star rating: 8.1/10
I enjoyed all three films in this trilogy, but the first one was my favourite by far. Two strangers, randomly meeting each other on a train in a foreign land, spending the night together wandering around the streets of Vienna and developing a powerful connection in the process. I also really liked ‘Boyhood’ and ‘Dazed and Confused’ from Linklater, but ‘Before Sunrise’ takes the cake for why I love travelling and meeting new people and saying yes to spontaneous experiences.
# 14: The Truman Show (1998) — IMDb star rating: 8.1/10
This and ‘EdTV’ were really at the forefront of the reality TV movement that has taken over commercial TV these days. ‘The Truman Show’ is a much better movie, however. Who hasn’t imagined themselves as the main character in a story? I know I have. What if everything was just a set-up to create conflict and tension for the millions of viewers out there? Would you like this, knowing that you are likely to be safe and cared about for the rest of your life? Or would you rather break free and experience an authentic and genuine life experience and give yourself a chance of finding real love and happiness? We all have a choice between what is expected of us and what we would really like to do.
# 13: The Sixth Sense (1999) — IMDb star rating: 8.1/10
Unfortunately, one of my friends spoiled the twist at the end of this movie before I saw it, so I’ll never get to experience watching it without knowing what was actually happening. However, I still loved it, which is a true credit to how great the movie is. Early on, I would have listed M. Night Shyamalan as one of my favourite directors. How far his and Haley Joel Osment’s career fell after this gives you an indication of how fickle Hollywood can be, but it was nice to see the director return to some form with the recent ‘Split’. Hopefully, his upcoming sequel to ‘Unbreakable’ will be good too. At its essence, ‘The Sixth Sense’ is an exploration of the topic of grief. I wonder what mediums think of this movie and its most famous quote, “I see dead people”?
# 12: Inglourious Basterds (2009) — IMDb star rating: 8.3/10
The best Tarantino movie, in my opinion. The tension he can create through dialogue is amazing, especially with the extended scene at the beginning of the film and the even more extended scene in the basement bar. Tarantino is a movie nerd through and through, and many people will say that ‘Pulp Fiction’ is his masterpiece, but this is better than that in many ways for me. Christoph Waltz was amazing, and getting to revise history in a way that leads to Hitler being shot in the face by a machine gun would have no doubt be satisfying to many. However, it also shows that big budgets and lots of action can never make up for poor dialogue when building up suspense. It’s a pity ‘The Hateful Eight’ was so bad. Here’s hoping that Mr Tarantino makes a return to form with his next film.
# 11: Good Will Hunting (1997) — IMDb star rating: 8.3/10
My favourite movie on therapy and the benefits that it can bring. It’s great to see Robin Williams in some of his more serious roles, too, including this one, ‘What Dreams May Come’ and ‘Dead Poets Society’. The scene where Robin Williams character Sean says to Matt Damon’s character Will that it’s not his fault for the prior abuses that have taken place in his life is compelling, as it finally leads to a breaking down of the barriers that Will puts up to defend himself. This is all too obvious with many of the clients that I see who have had abusive pasts. Many of them continue to treat themselves as harshly as their perpetrators once treated them. It is heartbreaking to see it time and time again, and I wish that they too could truly grasp and genuinely feel that they were not responsible for the abuses that they have suffered.
“Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.” — Izaak Walton
It was 2016 when I first decided to take on the challenge of being accountable to myself. I later wrote this blog to take responsibility for my actions in an open, transparent way, do what I said I was going to do, and “practice what I preach.”
For me, as a Psychologist, becoming deliberately better is all about evidence-based living. It is about engaging as much as possible in thinking patterns and behaviours that research has shown to lead to a happier, more satisfying, higher quality of life.
The following were five key areas that I planned to focus on for 2016, with the idea of it having positive flow-on effects for my long-term psychological well-being in 2017 and beyond.
The best part is that just by stating these objectives where they can be seen publicly, my desire to be consistent and faithful to my word did seem to help me to stay more committed to achieving these goals:
1. Tuning in rather than tuning out
Too often in Western Culture, we spend all of our day “doing”, rushing around and completing tasks. We do not spend enough time “being”, simply living in the moment with whatever we are experiencing.
People tune out of their experiences by distracting themselves with watching too much TV, spending too much time on social media, or surfing the internet. They could also smoke cigarettes or use drugs, drink too much caffeine or alcohol, eat junk food, and keep busy with too much work. Some of these strategies are successful in blocking out what we feel in the short term. However, suppose you never listen to the signals that your body sends you. In that case, they will only amplify in intensity over time until, eventually, we will have no choice but to notice the message given.
Formal mindfulness practice is the best way to get the most benefits from tuning in and just being. Mindfulness practice consists of maintaining our attention on whatever is occurring at the moment in an open, curious, accepting, patient, non-judging, and non-striving way. I recommend learning guided meditations first and then practising on your own if you’d prefer once you have figured out the various forms of meditation and how they help you. I would recommend a few free apps if you are interested in learning these skills: Smiling Mind, Calm, and Headspace.
Once you have learned the basics of mindfulness, it becomes a lot easier to also engage in informal mindfulness practice, where you apply these same mindfulness principles in whatever task you do throughout the day. By tuning in through Mindfulness, the benefits include reduced stress, pain and anxiety, improved sleep and mood. There is also a higher capacity to soothe yourself when distressed and a reduced risk of a future depressive episode.
2. Turning towards my values rather than away from fear
I regularly bring up values with my clients. It is for a good reason. The way I see it, there are two primary motivators in life. We can either be motivated to move towards what is important to us (our values) or move away from the things we fear.
As first pointed out to me in Daniel Kahneman’s book ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’, most people are predisposed towards being risk-averse or more motivated by what they may lose rather than what they could gain. As a result, most people play it safe, stay in their comfort zone, try not to change things too much, and don’t take any chances, even if the potential gains outweigh the potential losses.
Most people need at least a 2:1 ratio of things being likely to turn out well before taking a risk, and some people will never take a chance unless a positive outcome can be 100% guaranteed (which isn’t a risk at all). For example, the risk of dying in a plane crash or being eaten by a shark are minuscule. However, I’ve met several people who choose not to fly or swim in the ocean because of these fears. My question to these individuals is, “What do you lose by not taking this risk?” The chance for fun? Excitement? Adventure? Considering that these values are all important to me, I’d allow myself to feel the fear, sit with it, and take the risk so that I can live a more vibrant, enjoyable and meaningful life.
All of the most successful treatments for anxiety involve exposure to the feared stimuli as an essential part of the treatment. By facing our fears, stress can be reduced and no longer cause significant distress or functional impairment. It is uncomfortable but worth it in the pursuit of a goal that is consistent with your values. By living in line with your values and not those of others, you are more likely to feel energised, motivated and satisfied with where you are at and where you are headed.
3. Maintaining an ideal work/life balance
One of the biggest traps that I see with my clients is putting off enjoyment today until some designated time in the future (e.g. once I finish uni, once I get a job, once I pay off the house, once I’ve saved a certain amount). What tends to happen in the meantime is that they dedicate most of their life to study and work and saving, and postpone looking after themselves or having fun, exercising, engaging in hobbies, being creative, learning a new skill, travelling, and socialising with others.
The Grant Study, which began in 1938 with 268 Harvard undergraduate men, is still running and collecting data over 77 years later. Across all of this data, they found that one thing was the most significant predictor of health and happiness later in life: relationship warmth. Individuals in loving relationships with close families and good friends outside of their partner were the most satisfied with life. But, of course, it wasn’t just about the number of friends or family either. It was about having those quality relationships where you knew you could depend on the other person when you needed them the most.
Making more money did correlate with overall happiness and health outcomes, but individuals with higher relationship warmth also tended to make more money. Therefore, it is crucial to spend time with others and put energy into cultivating positive relationships. Given this data, socialising with those we care about should never be seen as a waste of time.
4. Writing things down rather than keeping things in
Planning and reviewing are essential for minimising stress and ensuring that we stay on track with our goals. In the excellent book ‘Getting Things Done’ by David Allen, he recommends both a daily review and a weekly review. In these, you can go through everything and process it into an all-encompassing management system. By having everything where it is supposed to be, and either filed away or waiting to be done at a particular time and place, it is meant to ensure that our head is as straightforward as possible. In addition, it can enable us to focus on whatever is most important to us at the moment (e.g. the task that we are doing).
I recommend that my clients quickly jot down whatever is incomplete or still to be done at the end of the workday. It is crucial to follow this with a quick plan on when you can address this task and the first step that you would take. It shouldn’t take any longer than 5 minutes a day and can help make sure that you can switch off from work once you are at home. For individuals who don’t sleep well due to a racing mind, doing this same process with anything on their mind two hours before they go to bed will also reduce their likelihood of being up all night thinking.
The crucial step is to write down when you will do it (and what the first action is), rather than just making a to-do list. The Zeigarnik effect shows that our brains will continue to remind us of something incomplete until we have done it or have a plan to do it. But, surprisingly, once we have a plan in a place that we won’t forget, our brains treat the task as already being done, and the result is a less busy mind, less stress and more energy. So even if you want to finish painting the house but won’t have time until your annual leave in 3 months, write it down. Or create a someday/maybe file, and put it in there.
5. Developing a growth rather than a fixed mindset
In her book ‘Mindset: The New Psychology of Success’ Carol Dweck has identified a more crucial concept towards academic and occupational success than intelligence.
Individuals with a fixed mindset believe most of their traits, including intelligence and personality, are fixed or unchangeable. Because of this, they tend to view successes as evidence that they are amazing and mistakes as evidence that they are horrible or not good enough. Unfortunately, this means that whether they win or lose carries massive consequences because their identity is on the line with everything they do in many ways. If they experience a setback, they won’t try to learn from it or improve because what’s the point? They aren’t good enough, so why bother trying. They’ll also give up more quickly when things become challenging and demanding.
Conversely, the individuals with a growth mindset will view their performance on a task as just that — their performance, and not an indication of how smart or capable they are. Instead, they see setbacks as chances to learn and grow and improve their skills in the future. Because of this, they are happier to challenge themselves and persevere through difficulties. They are also much more compassionate and understanding when they make a mistake, rather than self-critical like the individuals with a fixed mindset.
Fortunately, you can teach a growth mindset. By praising behaviour and effort (“You tried so hard”) rather than characteristics (“You are so smart”) and viewing mistakes as an essential part of the learning process, growth mindset training increases motivation, resiliency and achievement. So even if you don’t naturally look at things in this way, it’s never too late to learn and grow.
I just finished reading the book ‘Modern Romance: An Investigation’ by Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg and was pleasantly surprised to see such a well-researched book written predominantly by a Stand-up Comedian (with a helping hand from a Sociologist).
For those of you who don’t know Aziz, his stand-up shows typically consist of interesting observations about relationships, as does his new series ‘Master of None’.
Considering that I liked his stand-up and show, I was intrigued to see his book about relationships in my local bookstore. Here’s what his research found:
How Has Dating Changed?
1. Distance
Back in 1932, a Sociologist named James Bossard examined 5000 consecutive marriage licences in the city of Philidelphia, USA, and looked into how close the partners had lived to each other before they married. Here’s what he found:
Same address — 12.64%
Same block — 4.54%
1 to 2 blocks — 6.08%
2 to 4 blocks — 7.3%
4 to 10 blocks — 10.16%
10 to 20 blocks — 9.62%
20+ blocks — 17.8%
Different cities — 17.8%
More than half of Philidelphia in the 1930s married someone who lived in a ten-block radius to them. More than one-in-six didn’t even cross the road to find their marriage partner.
Other Sociologists looked to see if this pattern remained in smaller towns and found that it did whenever suitable marriage partners were available. For example, John Ellsworth Jr., who examined marriage patterns in a Connecticut town of less than 4,000 called Simsbury, declared:
“People will go as far as they have to to find a mate, but no farther.”
While this quote may still be somewhat applicable in modern times, it does seem that we are much more likely to date people of different origins, cultures and addresses to us, rather than settling down with someone who lived on the same street.
2. Places
Where we meet our romantic partners is much different too. Sociologist Michael Rosenfeld’s survey ‘How Couples Meet and Stay Together’ asked over 3,000 American adults of all ages when and how they met their spouse or romantic partner. Because the age of the respondents differed, it made it possible to see the changes between 1940 and 2010. Here’s what he found:
In 1940, the most common way couples met was through family (approximately 25%). The second was meeting through friends (21%), followed by meeting in church (13%), and being neighbours (12%).
In 1950, meeting via friends had become the most popular method to meet someone (approximately 26%). Meeting through family was still popular (24%) and was a clear second. Meeting in a bar or a restaurant (14%) was becoming more popular, and meeting at work (12%) or being neighbours (12%) was now more popular than meeting at church (10%).
In 1970, meeting through friends was the preferred method to find a partner (approximately 31%). Matching through family (20%) was challenged by meeting at a bar or restaurant (18%). Meeting at work was fourth (15%), followed by neighbours, church and college.
In 1990, meeting through friends was just below 40%, finding your partner at work was now second (20%), followed by meeting at a bar or a restaurant (18%). Meeting through family and being neighbours had declined as ways to find a partner. Instead, more people were meeting in college, presumably because more people were also going to college and studying longer. Some early adopters were starting to date online too, but this was still the least favourite method of meeting potential partners.
Fast forward to 2010, and meeting through friends was still the most common way couples met, but it was under 30% for the first time since 1960. Meeting at a bar or restaurant fought with meeting online for the 2nd most popular method, with both around 20%. Meeting online was already the most popular option for same-sex partners in 2005 and was up to about 70% by 2010. Meeting at work, meeting through family, being neighbours and finding dates through the church was now much less popular as ways to meet someone, and even meeting at college was beginning to decline. All thanks to the rise of the internet!
In a separate study looking at how Americans met their spouses between 2005 and 2012, Psychologist John Cacioppo found that more than one-in-three married couples met online (34.95%), which was more than work (14.09%), friends (12.4%) and a bar or club (5.68%) combined. So all of the recent advances in technology, especially the internet and smartphones, really has changed the dating scene dramatically, including how we meet, who we meet, how many potential partners we can meet, and even how we communicate with each other.
3. Communication Methods
The first text ever was by a British engineer called Neil Papworth in 1992. It’s crazy to think how much this form of communication has grown in only 24 years. In 2007, text messages began to outnumber phone calls made in the US each month, and in 2010 the world sent approximately 200,000 texts each minute. Since 2010, the number of people owning smartphones has dramatically increased in the USA. It rose from 17% in 2010 to 58% in 2014. 83% of 18- to 29-year-olds already owned a smartphone in 2014. With greater smartphone use comes an increasing use in apps such as Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, and Viber, which further increases instant messages sent.
Calling vs Texting vs Face-to-Face?
First Dates
Seeing that text messages have been a more popular way of communicating since 2007, does this mean that it is now okay to text someone to ask them out on a first date?
In 2010, only 10% of adults under 30 used texts to ask someone out for the first time.
By 2013, a Match.com survey found that this number had increased to 32%, with face-to-face still leading the way with 37%, a phone call less popular at 23%, and e-mails virtually non-existent at 1%.
For adults over 30, this same Match.com survey found that a phone call (52%) was the most likely method of communication when asking someone out on a date, followed by face-to-face (28%), text messages (8%) and e-mail (7%).
Older females tended to appreciate phone calls in the focus groups that Aziz and Eric ran about whether to phone or text. They saw them as a sign of confidence and helped separate the person from other potential suitors. It also helped them feel more safe and comfortable going out on a date with someone they may not know very well.
Younger females seemed just as afraid to receive phone calls as younger males were in making them. They preferred not having to respond on the spot and having time to think of a witty or genuine reply or not even reply at all if they weren’t interested, and texting provided them with these options.
Breaking Up
What about breaking up — can this too be done via text without seeing the reaction of the heart that you are potentially breaking? It sure sounds more comfortable, but is it socially acceptable?
In a 2014 survey of 2,712 18- to 30-year-olds, 73% said they would be upset if their date broke up with them via text, social media or email.
In this same survey, out of those who had ended a relationship in the previous 12 months, 25% had used text, 20% had used social media, 18% had split face-to-face, 15% had broken up through a phone call, and 11% had used email.
With texting, those who had used this method to break up said that they did so because it was “less awkward” and easier to be “more honest.” I still think it is wrong to end a long relationship over text, no matter how much easier it may be. Even though the majority of young adults still agree with me, their actions say the opposite. It’s only a matter of time before their attitudes begin to change in regards to this too.
Texting Guidelines for Dating:
1. Do not just say “hey”, “hi”, “what’s up?”, “what’s going on?”
Generic messages like this tend to be a real turn-off for some people, especially females who receive many texts like this from several different guys. It is much better to ask a specific question about them or something that refers to the last time you spoke.
2. Do not just engage in endless banter that never leads to a real-world catch-up.
Endless banter gets boring eventually, and older women, in particular, have less patience for constant text exchanges.
3. Do not just ask someone if they want to “hang out sometime?”
It’s confusing whether hanging out is a date or just friends, and it may never lead to an actual date. So instead, invite them out to a particular event, or ask them to meet you at a specific time and place.
4. Do try to proofread your text messages for correct grammar and spelling.
Incorrect spelling is often a major turn off, as is shortening words or using text slang. Determine the audience first, but stick to “tonight” rather than “2nite” if unsure.
5. Do use a bit of playfulness and humour, but with caution.
Make sure that you have a similar sense of humour before engaging in anything too risky or crude, and remember that it can be challenging to pick up on tone in text messages.
6. Follow the other basic rules around texting:
Please wait a while to text back instead of doing it right away, especially early in the dating process. Waiting a bit implies that you have a busy life and builds suspense, increasing the emotional intensity and attraction in the person who has to wait.
If you have already sent a text, do not send another message to the same person until you hear back from them unless it is an absolute emergency.
Write a similar amount in your texts to what the other person does. If you increase it slightly, they should too if they like you due to our tendency to reciprocate. If they do not, this may mean that they are not aware of the cultural norms around texting, or they are just not that into you.
If you are not interested, others will tell you to be upfront and honest with them, but most people actually either pretend to be busy or stop texting back.
4. Expectations
When choosing a partner, it seems that our expectations of what the other person needs to provide us have continued to increase over the past 50 years:
Before the 1960s, most people were happy enough with settling for a “companionate” or good-enough marriage. People didn’t spend forever looking for passion and love (even though this may have developed over time). Many people saw passionate love as too volatile or irrational to use as the basis for whether or not they should marry someone.
When looking for a prospective husband back in 1939, men with a dependable character, emotional stability, maturity and a pleasing disposition were all more highly sought after by women than men they felt mutual attraction and love towards.
By the early 1960s, 76% of women were willing to marry a man they didn’t love.
“Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship.” — Esther Perel.
When looking for a prospective wife in 1939, men also highly valued emotional stability, maturity, a dependable character and pleasing disposition, and interestingly also appreciated ambition and industriousness over mutual love and attraction.
By the early 1960s, however, only 35% of men admitted that they were willing to marry a woman that they didn’t love. Men already had more legal rights and financial freedom and weren’t looked down upon for moving out of the house and enjoying single life before getting married.
By the 1980s, things had changed, with 86% of men and 91% of women in the US saying they needed romantic love to marry someone.
In 2008, mutual love and attraction were rated #1 for men and women looking for a prospective partner.
No longer do people settle for companionship or what is good enough. We also want passion and the perfect life partner who completes us, gives us belonging and identity, mystery and awe, and makes us happy. Some people even declare that they are looking for their soul mate and refuse to settle for anything less.
This search for the perfect partner seems to take a lot of emotional investment, trial and error, potential heartbreak, and much stress and indecision. However, if we find our soul mate, the potential pay-off should theoretically be much higher than for an old-fashioned “companionate” marriage. However, with more possible options and higher expectations, how can we know if we have found the one to marry?
5. Marriages
At what age do we get married?
From 1950 until about 1968, the average age of first marriages in the US was about 20 for females and 23 for males. In the mid-1970s, this age rapidly increased until it briefly stagnated at about 24 for women and 27 for men between 1999 and 2004. It then began to rise again to about 27 for females and 29 for males in 2014. In bigger cities, such as New York, it is over 30 for both males and females.
After how long do we tend to get married?
Before the 1960s, the average couple wed after just six months, according to Stephanie Coontz, author of ‘Marriage, A History’. However, the dating period and the engagement period tend to be much longer these days, with some couples even choosing to live together in a de-facto relationship without ever marrying.
Do we even need to get married anymore?
Before the 1960s, getting married, buying a house, and moving out were the first significant steps that signified the transition to adulthood. Single women rarely lived alone, and many families discouraged their daughters from moving into shared housing with other working girls. Their parents were heavily involved in their decisions, even who they dated, and typically always knew about their whereabouts.
Women of previous generations would sometimes get married to get out of the house and get their first taste of adulthood and freedom. However, once married, they were not always more free to do what they wanted. Instead, they had to depend on their husbands for legal and financial purposes whilst being fully responsible for looking after the house and the children.
Although things still aren’t fully equal with men and women, with women typically earning less and having to do more housework and child-rearing, they now have equal legal rights regarding property and divorce. Alongside the greater acceptance of various lifestyle choices, including moving out without getting married, marriage is now a choice rather than a necessity for many women.
Thanks to the advances in technology, we now have more potential options available to us at the click of a mouse or swipe of a button than we have ever had before.
Thanks to the greater rights and freedom provided to most women in the Australian culture, we also have a new developmental period between adolescence and adulthood called emerging adulthood (ages 18–29). It is a phase where people can go to university, start a career, travel, move around a bit, and have some fun and relationship experiences before settling down and getting married.
During emerging adulthood, we end up greatly expanding our pool of potential romantic partners. Once you include online dating and other apps for meeting people, the number of possible partners grows exponentially, especially in bigger cities like Melbourne.
But does having more choices make it easier to find “the one”?
Research on the paradox of choice would suggest not. As I’ve already mentioned in a previous post, Barry Schwartz, a Psychologist, describes an experiment at a supermarket where they offered 24 different samples of jelly (jam) to customers on day one and six jellies on day two. The day with only six options outsold the day with 24 possibilities by ten times the amount.
Too many options lead to indecision and paralysis and higher discontent after a decision. So before you are searching for a partner, especially if it is online, make sure that you have a sense of what is truly important to you and what is not, and try to limit your search to these options. Then if you find someone who seems to be alright, give them a real chance before moving onto the next one. You’re likely to be more satisfied on a long-term basis if you do.
I’ve been thinking for a while about what would be the best way to start a psychology-related blog. I have some great ideas for blog series that I would like to do, but none of them seemed fitting for an introduction to the site.
Then I realised what was happening.
I was letting perfection get in the way of production and procrastinating. FEAR was holding me back.
Dr Russ Harris speaks about FEAR as an acronym for things that can keep us stuck and prevent us from making the changes that we would like to make in our life:
F — fusion with unhelpful thoughts — An example of this is “that’s not the best way to start a psychology blog — keep brainstorming until the perfect idea or solution presents itself!” By allowing myself to believe what my mind said, I kept putting off what I wanted to do. I want to share some of the things that I have learnt and found helpful through my eight years of University study and hundreds of psychological books and journal articles that I have read.
E — unrealistic expectations — If I have never written a blog before, how can I know what style is the right way to express what I have to say? I can’t. We learn through trial and error and experience. Sometimes I’m sure that I will write a piece and be happy with it, but other times this won’t be the case. Some articles may get good feedback, and some may not. All I can do is give it a go, reflect upon it afterwards, get input from others, and make changes as required until I find the right voice for myself and my potential audience. What’s more important is that I enjoy the process of clarifying my thoughts and share them with whoever is interested in a way that they can hopefully understand. I believe Hemingway said that the first draft of anything is shit. If a literary great didn’t expect to produce a fantastic story the first time he wrote it, is it realistic for me to hope for more?
A — avoidance of discomfort — Does putting my thoughts into writing pose any real threat to me? No. It can help me clarify my ideas further and assist the clients that I see by getting my points across more concisely. Will putting my writing out there expose me to judgment and potential ridicule from others? Possibly. Does staying in my comfort zone and doing what feels safe or secure lead to me living a happy, fulfilled life? No. Quite the opposite. It, therefore, becomes a choice between discomfort and growth or comfort and stagnation. Whether it is worth it or not is up to the individual and depends on the situation and how they feel about it.
R — remoteness from values — Values are guiding principles for life. If we persist through discomfort in pursuing a goal, we need to get in touch with what is really important to us or what we care about deep down. For me, writing a blog is about helping people be informed about psychological theories and empowered with strategies that can make a difference in their lives. There is so much conflicting information about what can help. Sharing what rigorous scientific studies have found in collaboration with my own personal experience will hopefully be useful for anyone who chooses to read it. It will also give any potential clients an idea about my approaches towards my life and work and help them decide if I am the right clinical psychologist. It is much easier for me to persist in writing this blog and the following articles by connecting with these values.
With that in mind, what do you fear, and what holds you back from making the changes you would like to make? Is it any of the four things mentioned above? If so, can you challenge or detach from those thoughts, set more realistic expectations for yourself, get in touch with your most important values, and persist with the discomfort in pursuit of the type of life you would like to lead? Maybe not straight away, but hopefully with practice, reflection, feedback and support from others.
The first self-help book I ever read was ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’ by Susan Jeffers. It transformed my life to think that I didn’t need to stop feeling scared before doing something. Even though anxiety often feels like it is a life-or-death situation, especially when it comes to social anxiety, it never typically is. So now, I embrace whatever awkwardness I can and challenge myself wherever possible. Through a process called habituation, it actually does get more comfortable in time.
For any anxiety-based psychological treatment, exposure to the feared stimulus will be recommended at some point in the treatment and is a crucial component to the most successful outcomes. But it is also important to start slowly and begin with tasks that feel a bit challenging and scary, and then slowly work your way up to more challenging and scary tasks once your confidence has built up.
If you want to try this on your own:
1. Develop a list of tasks that you are afraid to do, but they would not actually harm you if you were to do them.
2. Rank these from least scary or challenging to most scary or challenging.
3. Starting with the least scary first, set a goal for yourself to tackle the task and be as specific as possible with date, time, location and duration.
4. Attempt the task, and if possible, remain in the situation until the anxiety has subsided (usually about 10 minutes).
5. If you cannot complete the task, try something more manageable that brings a little fear or discomfort but not too much, and gain confidence with this before reattempting the initial task.
6. Repeat until habituation has taken place and you feel more confident and less anxious doing that task.
7. Move on to the next most scary or challenging task on the list.
Doing it step-wise would take a long time, but as long as you progress, you learn the skills to challenge any fears that come your way.
Remember, feel the fear, and do it anyway (unless it really is too dangerous and unsafe)!
Damon Ashworth Psychology 
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