John Gottman is a legendary relationship researcher. He began using “The Love Lab” as his research centre at the University of Washington in 1986.
Here, he would have couples stay in the apartment at The Love Lab, and watch as they bring up an old topic that they would typically fight about. During this conflict, he would also film the couple and measure their vitals or physiological responses.
By 1992, Gottman became so accurate at predicting which couples would eventually divorce that he published a study on it. His findings successfully indicated with 91% accuracy which of the 57 couples would later break up after recording them deal with conflict for only five minutes.
How Do You and Your Partner Fight?
The main thing that Gottman realised was what we now know as conflict style. The average therapist will say that the most healthy conflict style is a validating or compromising conflict style. With this style, the partner will want to discuss the issue calmly and rationally, talk about how the couple can resolve the problem, and collaboratively develop an amicable solution that will work well for both parties.
Now Gottman found that if both parties or people in a disagreement had this validating or compromising conflict style, it worked well and didn’t predict a later break up. It wasn’t the case if only one person was validating or compromising in their conflict style. If their partner was avoidant, volatile or passive-aggressive in their conflict style, this mismatch was more predictive of a later divorce.
What might be surprising to therapists is that if both people were avoidant in their conflict style, their outcome tended to be no worse than if they were both validating. So if you prefer to only focus on the good and not discuss any of the issues in your relationship, you may not need to start bringing stuff up. Instead, it would be best if you found a partner who also prefers to sweep the bad things under the rug rather than discuss any problematic issues. However, if your partner needs to bring things up, you may need to, too, if you want your relationship to be happy and work out in the long run.
Similarly, if your ideal conflict style is to be volatile and get everything off your chest regardless of how you say it, this can work if your partner wants to be volatile too. Again, you are likely to fare just as well as the validating or avoidant couples, and much better than if you prefer to be volatile and your partner does not.
Which Conflict Style Is Ideal for Your Relationship?
It turns out that deciding upon which conflict style is likely to work best for you and your partner, and then both doing this is more important than figuring out which conflict style is best in general. For example, some relationships may work out precisely because the bad stuff is avoided and never discussed. Others may be passionate and work because each partner gets everything they think and feel off their chest. And another couple may work out because they chat about the important things without losing their temper and work together to come up with a solution while both choosing to let some of the more minor things go.
Whether you prefer to be avoidant, compromising or validating in how you manage conflict, try to see if you can get on the same page about how to best deal with disagreements with your partner. Being on the same team about how you want to try and manage fights will give you the best chance to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. On the other hand, if you can’t get on the same team about how you want to fight, Gottman’s research findings indicate that your different conflict styles are more than likely to be the end of your relationship one day.
If you want to learn more, Gottman has some great books that I would highly recommend reading, including:
The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want
The Relationship Cure: A 5-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family and Friendships
The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Your Last
The Oura ring that I use to track my health gives me three primary scores every day. When I wake up, I receive a readiness score, a sleep score and an activity level score from the day before. All of these are out of 100, with the higher daily score perceived as better.
To achieve a high score on my activity level, I need to move every hour during the day, not spend too much time being sedentary and complete my daily energy expenditure goal. For example, on a recent day where I exceeded the 600 calorie goal from exercise, I managed to burn 628 calories by walking 9,015 steps or 9.1km.
As a clinical psychologist working in private practice, I often see 7 or 8 people for 50–60 minutes each, five days a week. There was essentially no break between clients except for maybe a lunch break in the middle of the day. Which meant that there was little chance of meeting my daily expenditure goal unless I did at least 90 minutes of walking either before or after work.
Add in the time needed to get to work and back home, plus marketing and consulting with doctors or referrers. Then treatment planning, further reading, and writing of case notes, reports and letters. It sure doesn’t leave much time or energy for the exercise I want to do. Let alone quality relationships, housework, hobbies, self-care, and sleep outside of my work responsibilities.
“If you weren’t loved for who you were, then what you are going to do is work to make yourself loveable. And the way you make yourself loveable is to be of service to everybody else and not have any needs yourself”
Gabor Mate
As a clinical psychologist, I have tested myself on many validated surveys. One that I particularly like is the Young Schema Questionnaire. It helps people determine which of the 18 maladaptive life traps or schemas they fall into most. Some of my top schemas from 2018 were: Self-sacrifice (1st), emotional deprivation (2nd), subjugation (4th) and approval-seeking (6th).
With these schemas, the predominant traps that I can fall into are sacrificing my needs for others and choosing relationships where others can’t meet my emotional needs. I can also pretend that I don’t have any requirements and try to be what others want me to be rather than who I am.
All of these qualities help me to be a good therapist. I can tune into what others want and need, put these things first regardless of what I want to talk about, disregard my own needs and be what others want me to be.
But what are the personal consequences for me?
Seeing too many clients in a week can make me emotionally drained, physically less healthy than I want to be and chronically fatigued. It can result in me cooking less for myself than I would like to. I instead resort to fast food on these nights because it is convenient and more manageable. My brain also tells me that I deserve to treat myself. So I spend more time sitting on the couch and watching TV or scrolling on the phone than I want to. I can’t be bothered being as creative or as expressive as I would like to be. And I isolate myself too much, choosing to take a break from the world instead of connecting with others in ways that I would like to.
What do I need?
Equal relationships. I need to put my needs at the same level as others. I need to choose friendships and partners that are as aware of my feelings and desires as they are of their own. I need them to be as encouraging towards me meeting my needs as we are towards meeting theirs. I need to be authentic and not be punished for this, even if it is different from what is traditional for society or what they want. I need to be aware of what I want and not feel ashamed of doing these activities or meeting these needs.
While this sounds nice and healthy, a therapeutic relationship is ideally not equal. The role is to be there for the other person to help them meet their needs, understand themselves and become the person they want to be. Yes, boundaries are essential to set and enforce, but for the long term benefit of the client, not for me.
Maybe I can look at a therapeutic relationship as equal in some way. It is at least transactionally. Nobody is forcing me to take on the role of therapist. I am choosing to do it. They are paying for a service, and I am being compensated financially for it. I enjoy helping others improve if they want to. I am also trying to be authentic as a person in my role as a therapist. However, the aim is to help meet the client’s emotional needs and improve their psychological well-being, not my own.
A supervisor of mine once said, “a needy psychologist is a dangerous psychologist”. Therefore psychologists who try to get any of their needs met with clients are stepping away from their proper role. Furthermore, they can harm the other person if they are not careful.
Yes, I can learn things along the way. I can also make genuine connections with the people that I see. However, it must be about what is best for the client, not myself as the therapist.
As long as I can ensure that my life outside of my job meets my needs, being a therapist is not a problem. However, I must achieve a healthy balance between helping others at work while having enough time and energy to help myself in the ways that I want in my life outside of it.
Is it possible to find a healthy balance?
To not be exhausted from my work as a therapist, seeing five clients has to be the maximum on any given day. However, I’m not too sure if this maximum would be achievable five days per week either. Two to four days per week seems much more desirable if a healthy balance is an overall goal.
During the pandemic lockdowns in Melbourne in 2020, I was working a lot more than that. One week, I did 39 hours of sessions with clients, or five straight days of nearly eight clients per day. On one day, I also saw ten clients without a lunch break. As all of the sessions were via Telehealth, I’m unsure if I even stood up out of my chair. Although I had the capacity to do this, it sure doesn’t mean that it was healthy for me.
“If you don’t know how to say no, your body will say it for you through physical illnesses”
On January 2nd, 2021, I suffered a stroke in my left cerebellum. I nearly died and was in a coma for a few weeks. After brain surgery and having part of my brain removed, the long road to recovery began.
I am luckily doing quite well now, only six months later. My personality and cognitive functions are essentially the same as what they were before the stroke. My balance and coordination have improved, but I will never return to playing sport at the level I did before the stroke.
Fortunately, I have a second chance at life. I could rush back to how I did things before. However, I want to live in a way that is positive for me and my health. I want to enjoy my life and the relationships that I have with others outside of my work.
I want to continue helping others meet their needs and express their feelings through their therapy. I don’t want to be a different psychologist from how I have been or care less about the people I see and talk with. However, I do not want to do this at the expense of my vitality and longevity.
I hope that I can find the balance that means that I can keep living this incredible life in a way that is enjoyable, nourishing and sustainable for me.
Values are guiding principles for our lives that are endless pursuits. We cannot achieve a value in the same way we can accomplish a goal. However, at any point in time, you can connect with them, act in accordance to them, and receive the vitality, energy, improved self-worth, greater emotional well-being and happiness that are often the result of living consistently with our values.
To figure out your most important values, first write if each value in the list below is very important to you (V), quite important to you (Q), or not important to you (N).
It is essential that we choose the values that feel right to us, rather than pick the values that we think our parents or society might want us to follow.
Then, for only your very important values, score from (0-10) how much you have been living according to this value over the past month, with:
0 = not following this value over the past month,
1 – 3 = following this value occasionally,
4 – 6 = following this value sometimes,
7 – 9 = following this value often, and
10 = always living by this value.
VALUES LIST
Connecting with Nature: Importance of value to you (V, Q, N?) = ________, Consistency with value if it is very important to you (0-10?) = _________
It will be difficult/impossible to always live by all of our very important values, because some values will come into conflict with each other. However, if you are have scored it a 5 or below in your consistency rating, then try to set a goal for the next month of how you can live more consistently with this value.
Dr Damon Ashworth
Clinical Psychologist
PLEASE NOTE: These value descriptions were taken from a values cards exercise that I did during my doctoral degree. I am not sure who developed it, but will happily give credit to them if anyone can let me know who did.
I’ve been afraid to say this for a while because of how it will be perceived, but my favourite book of all time is actually a textbook. So before you think that makes me someone you would never want to speak to, I’ll ask if you have ever read anything by Irvin Yalom, American Psychiatrist and Author?
His book ‘Existential Psychotherapy’ is a true masterpiece he worked on for 10 years and is written as eloquently as any of his other titles, including ‘When Nietzsche Wept’, the best fiction novel award winner in 1992.
What is Existential Psychotherapy?
Existentialism is the philosophical exploration of existential issues or questions about our existence that we don’t have an easy answer for. We all suffer from anxiety, despair, grief and loneliness at times in our lives. Existential Psychotherapy tries to understand what life and humanity are about.
In the book, Yalom explores what he considers to be our four most significant existential issues in life:
Death
Freedom
Isolation
Meaninglessness
These existential issues or ultimate concerns are “givens of existence” or “an inescapable part” of being an alive human in our world. He shows how these concerns develop over time, how we can run into problems with each of these issues, and what they might look like in patients coming to therapy. He also talks about how we can try to live with these concerns to negatively impact our lives less, even if we don’t have clear-cut solutions to them.
Let’s go through each of these ultimate concerns…
1. Death
Homo sapiens, or humans, as far as I know, are the only species in the animal kingdom that are aware that one day they are going to die.
The first time I heard this, it fascinated me and made me wonder if life would be more comfortable not being aware that one day we cease to exist.
Imagine it. Life is going well. Then suddenly, it is no more. No worry about what the future holds. We are born. We experience life. Then we are no longer there. No fear. Just nothingness.
Being aware that we will die shapes and influences our lives much more than we would like to admit. This is because so many of our anxieties and phobias at their core are fear of some loss or death.
Irvin Yalom says that while the actuality of death is the end of us, the idea of death can actually energise us.
If we don’t know when we will die, being in touch with the fact that one day everything will vanish is enough to overwhelm some people and make them panic.
For others, it is enough to make them follow the maxim of carpe diem and helps them to seize the day by appreciating everything they have so that they can make the most of the precious time they have left on this planet. Time is really just a bright spark of lightness between two identical and infinite periods of darkness — one before we are born and one after.
Death is the ultimate equaliser, for no matter how much we have achieved or done with our time on this planet, the truth is that we will all one day die.
It is also true that we will not know exactly when death will happen. It might be with a car accident tomorrow, from cancer in ten years, motor neurone disease in twenty years, a heart attack in thirty years, a stroke in forty years, or during our sleep in fifty years.
Because our knowledge of our inevitable death is so inescapable and hard to confront and deal with directly, we instead focus on smaller and more manageable worries or concerns in our lives that we can do something about if we want to. If we successfully address all these minor concerns, however, we then come in contact with our fear of death again, and the cycle repeats itself.
Most people tend to have one of two basic defence mechanisms against their fear of death:
A. They can think that they are “special” and that death will befall others but not them, and try to be an individual and experience anxiety about life.
Or
B. They can think they are an “ultimate rescuer” and try to fuse with others and experience anxiety about death (their own mortality and that of their loved ones).
A breakdown of either of these defences can give rise to psychological disorders:
narcissism or schizoid characteristics for the “special” defence, and
passive, dependent or masochistic characteristics for the “ultimate rescuer” defence.
In general, trying to be an individual is a more empowering and effective defence than fusing with others. Still, the breakdown of either can lead to pathological anxiety and/or depression.
The way to feel better about death anxiety is through an exercise called “disidentification”:
To begin with, ask yourself the question “Who am I?” and write down every answer that you can think of.
Then, take one answer at a time, and meditate on giving up this part of yourself, asking and reflecting on what it would be like to give up this part of yourself and your identity.
Repeat this with all the other answers until you have gone through all of them.
You have now disidentified yourself from all parts of your identity. See how you feel, and if there isn’t still a part of you, that feels separate from all the labels you give yourself. This provides comfort and reduces anxiety about death and life for a lot of people.
What I try to manage death anxiety is to only focus on whatever is most important to me that I can do something about in any given moment. I try to appreciate and be grateful for the time that I have had with each important person in my life. I try to be as fully present in the moment and with others as I can be. I try to use every moment and meeting as an opportunity to impact someone’s life positively. That way, I’ll hopefully not have too many regrets and be glad for the time I have had on this planet, no matter how long it ends up being.
2. Freedom
The second ultimate concern is about freedom, responsibility and will.
Every country in the world talks about fighting for the freedom of its citizens and about taking away some people’s freedom to ensure the safety and security of all. Therefore, the existential dilemma is how much freedom do we give up to others to feel safe and secure, or how much safety and security do we give up to feel genuinely free? Are these concepts in direct opposition, or is it sometimes possible to have enough of both?
Responsibility means taking full ownership of:
“one’s own self, destiny, life predicament, feelings, and if such be the case, one’s own suffering” — Irvin Yalom
In the past, one’s life was set out for them by their parents or society, and many people struggled to fight for the right to live an authentic and genuine life.
These days, most people struggle instead with the amount of choice that they have in their lives. They come to therapy because they don’t know what they want to do or how to choose, given all of the available options. They also know that if no one else is telling them what to do, it is ultimately their responsibility if things do not work out the way they want them to. People wish to choose for themselves but fear not having someone to blame when things don’t work out.
There are various defences that we engage in to avoid responsibility and shield ourselves from freedom, including:
compulsivity
displacement of responsibility to another
denial of responsibility (“innocent victim” or “losing control”)
avoidance of autonomous behaviour, and
decisional pathology
We can do something over and over again to relieve anxiety or stop thinking about things. This can present as OCD, hoarding, or any addiction ranging from technology to drugs and alcohol and even dependency on others.
We can try to coerce others to make decisions for us or seek out and find controlling partners, bosses or friends. But, we can also play it safe and try to do what we think everyone else does; focus on keeping up with the Joneses, engaging in passive activities that don’t require much effort, and feeling stuck in an unfulfilling relationship or career.
The problem with giving up the responsibility for how our lives turn out is that it creates an external rather than an internal locus of control. Depression and other forms of psychological disorders are more highly correlated with an external locus of control. It can also lead to learned helplessness, where people no longer feel like they can do anything to change their life in a positive direction.
The way to manage the responsibility and freedom paradox is to developan internal locus of control. This is generally more beneficial for most people’s well-being unless we blame ourselves or change things out of our control. This includes what has happened in the past, what other people do or say, and acts of nature.
The serenity prayer nicely spells out how we should approach responsibility:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” — Reinhold Niebuhr
Paradoxical intention is a good antidote too. This means that we try to do the opposite of what we typically do for a period of time and keep an open mind and observe how things go. We can then see if the outcome is better than what we usually do or if it has taught us something about what will be best for us going forward.
Anything that creates a double bind is potentially helpful for encouraging people to take more responsibility in their lives. One way is to remind someone who struggles to make their own decisions that by not deciding, they are still making a choice not to choose. This means that no matter what they do, it is impossible not to make a decision that impacts the direction of their lives. Even if we choose to follow what someone else wants us to do, we still choose to do this. Therefore, why not take responsibility for our own lives and forge our own paths?
3. Isolation
There are three types of isolation:
“A. Interpersonal isolation: isolation from other individuals, experienced as loneliness
B. Intrapersonal isolation: parts of oneself are partitioned off from the self, and
C. Existential isolation: “an unbridgeable gap between oneself and any other being.”
A common way that people try to escape from existential isolation is to fuse with another fully. This is also a strategy for dealing with death anxiety, with people trying to be the “ultimate rescuer” of someone else. It can lead to an individual feeling temporarily less alone. Unfortunately, however, the less isolated we are from others, sometimes the more isolated we are from ourselves.
Other people try to overcompensate for their feelings of isolation by never relying on anyone and trying to be fully independent. Both extremes can have negative consequences.
The main thing we can do to manage our feelings of isolation is to realise and accept that we are social creatures and have always relied on others to survive. This drive creates a desire to feel closer to, more understood, and more connected to people than we can ever achieve and sustain.
Growing up, many people feel loved and comforted in an unbalanced relationship towards their needs being met over their parents. They then try to reenact this within their adult relationships and usually end up feeling resentful, angry and disappointed as a result.
Yalom believes that a good relationship involves “needs-free love”, which is about loving someone else for their sake. This is opposed to “deficiency love”, a selfish love where we only think about how useful the other person may be to us. Creating a relationship where you want the best for the other person is a healthier way to manage interpersonal isolation than demanding for them to meet every need for you.
Some of the best solutions to intrapersonal isolation are to have time to get to know ourselves through practices such as journaling, therapy and meditation. Introverts may need to have more of this time than extroverts, so it’s important to tune into how agitated or lonely you feel to know if you have found the right balance or not.
Unfortunately, existential isolation cannot be fully breached, and therefore needs to be accepted, as it is out of our control. To feel the pain that comes with this isolation and our desire not to have it is challenging, but it can help reduce the intensity of the feeling. Being grateful for the meaningful connections we have in our lives and trying to strengthen them without losing our sense of self is another way to lessen the intensity of the feeling.
4. Meaninglessness
According to Yalom and many non-religious philosophers, humans are meaning-seeking creatures in a world without a universal sense of meaning. As a result of this, most of the world turn to a religious or spiritual belief system of one type or another that clearly lays out the meaning of the world and our purpose in it. People who truly believe these systems often provide a lot of clarity, reassurance, and guidance. The tricky part is that these belief systems can vary widely, and it is hard to know which one is more correct than another or if some of them are even harmful.
What we do know is that most belief systems tend to agree that
“it is good to immerse oneself in the stream of life”.
People can try to find meaning through:
A. Hedonism: Seeking out pleasure and positive experiences and trying to avoid pain,
B. Altruism: Dedication towards a cause that helps other people, and
C. Creativity: Transcending oneself through art.
Many philosophers believe that both the search for pleasure and the search for meaning are paradoxical. By this, they mean that happiness and meaning or purpose in life are tough to achieve when they are aimed at directly, but possible if they are aimed at indirectly.
So if you or someone that you know is complaining about a lack of meaning in life, try to see if there are other issues. If possible, address these other issues first, and see if your worry about meaninglessness has lessened or gone away.
The best indirect way to increase a sense of purpose and meaning in life is to build kindness, curiosity and concern for others. This is often best done by helping out with a charity, joining a club, fighting for a cause, or attending a group activity or group therapy.
Yalom strongly believes that a desire to engage in life and satisfying relationships, work, spiritual and creative pursuits always exists within a person. Therefore, the key to managing meaninglessness is to remove the obstacles that prevent the individual from wholeheartedly engaging in the regular activities of life.
We may never be able to find the absolute meaning of life. However, what we can do is work at creating a life that is personally meaningful to us.
Ever notice how any successful story throughout history tends to have a similar cast of characters?
If you haven’t bothered counting, I’ll let you know that most characters will fall into one of 12 principal roles, and this explains why and how we can find favourite stories so relatable. Carl Gustav Jung, a famous psychoanalyst, defined these characters and their journey as Archetypes.
What is an Archetype?
An archetype is something that symbolises primary human motivations, drives, desires and goals. It influences how one finds meaning in life, what one values, and personality characteristics. Most people tend to identify primarily with one archetype, although it can be a mix of a few different ones.
Below are the 12 archetypes, with a brief description below them:
If you’re a visionary, you value innovation above all else. You look for patterns in the ordinary and try to create order out of chaos. You are intuitive and tend to find it much more comfortable than others to predict trends and look into the future accurately. You love to exchange ideas, share your opinions, and try out new gadgets. But you also tend to overthink things or catastrophise if stressed and overwhelmed. When this happens, you need to retreat to somewhere secluded and/or scenic to once again focus on your next innovative idea that you would like to put into action.
The visionary archetype includes the designer, the detective, the director, the entrepreneur, the hermit, the futurist or the strategist.
If you’re a caregiver, you value being compassionate, caring and kind to others, especially your family and friends. You struggle to say no to people because you love to help out and give as much as you can. Burnout is a risk if you spread yourself too thin, however. You are easy to get along with, flexible to various situations, and always willing to do what is required to adapt to and fit in with others without losing your sense of self. Your favourite activities involve spending time with those you love, and you are the person that people call or talk to if they have been going through something tough or are in crisis.
The caregiver archetype tends to include the loving parent, the teacher, the nurse, the doctor, the best friend forever, the rescuer, the mentor, the healer, the veteran and the civil servant.
The royal wants power and to be in control. They love being a leader and the boss and love living the high life and the sense of entitlement that comes with this. The royal is not afraid to throw money at a problem so that it will go away and is willing to use their status, title or name to get what they want and feel that they deserve. Activities, holidays and clothes all need to be the best that money can buy.
Royal archetypes include the king, the queen, the prince or princess, the boss, the executive, the politician, the diva and the networker or social climber.
The performer is all about entertaining others and being the centre of attention, even at social and family gatherings. Like Lady Gaga, they live for the applause and moving others emotionally or making them laugh. The performer wants to be seen and believes that being dramatic and in the right places with the right people is the best way to achieve this.
The performer archetype includes the actor, the entertainer, the comedian, the clown or fool, the eccentric, the trickster, the storyteller, the spellcaster, the magician and the provocateur.
The spiritual person has their faith as the cornerstone of who they are. They are belief-driven and pray and seek for what they know to be true to come to fruition. They love to engage in yoga, meditation, and connecting with others on a deeper level and feel very connected with others and the world around them. The biggest trap for the spiritual person is magical thinking and not doing enough to take action and change the questionable things in their lives. They instead have hope and faith that things will work out the way they want, even when all the evidence suggests otherwise.
The spiritual archetype can include the shaman, the saint, the mystic, the guru, the angel, the missionary, the martyr, the disciple and the Samaritan.
The tastemaker values the beautiful nature of things above all else. They pay attention to trends, fashion and decor, and ensure that whatever they have is as aesthetically pleasing as possible. But, unlike the royal, they don’t assume that this is just about what is most decadent or expensive. A tastemaker loves to explore new restaurants, shops, technology and holiday spots. Their weakness is judging others who do not prioritise aesthetics as much as them.
The tastemaker archetype includes the fashionista, the goddess, the gentleman and the metrosexual.
The explorer loves adventure, exploring the world, and seeking excitement wherever they are. They are curious about everything new and things they are yet to encounter, and as a result, they fear commitment and being stuck in one spot or tied down by someone else in any way. The explorer feels drawn to things unseen and undiscovered and is willing to be practical about what it takes to live their lives in this way. They love meeting new people and immersing themselves in new cultures and experiences.
The explorer archetype includes the adventurer, the traveller, the seeker, the discoverer, the wanderer, the individualist, and the pioneer.
The advocate is always being a champion for a good cause and hoping that things will get better if they fight for what they believe in. They may tend to get too caught up personally in the cause but are willing to back up what they believe in by getting signatures for a petition, fundraising money for a campaign, or organising a protest. They also try to live their lives in a way that is consistent with their values and standing up for those less fortunate or those without a voice, such as flora and fauna.
The advocate archetype includes the hero, the environmentalist, the crusader, the vegan, the lawyer, the feminist, and the human rights advocate.
The Intellectual takes pride in their extensive knowledge about things that are important to them. They are always seeking new information and trying to apply it in a useful way to increase their wisdom. The intellectual can come across as a know-it-all, but they never feel like they have enough new things to learn. They love to spend time reading books and going to museums and are happy to impart their knowledge to anyone willing to listen.
The Intellectual archetype includes the philosopher, the student, the geek, the sage, the scientist, the theologian, the crone, the inventor, and the judge.
The rebel’s core values are justice and autonomy. They are fiercely independent and cannot be contained by the social niceties, order and dutifulness. They do what they want at all times, and like adventure and excitement, challenging convention and being deliberately provocative too. They are at risk of not thinking through the consequences of their decisions, and as a result, can overconsume drugs or alcohol or get into trouble with the law, at work, or with those closest to them.
Rebel archetypes include the warrior, the hedonist, Don Juan, the femme fatale and the wild man or wild woman.
The athlete lives for staying active, fit, and in shape. They love to compete in anything involving physical activity and are happiest when they have achieved a big, athletic goal. The athlete tends to turn everything into a competition, which can annoy others, but they are just as happy pushing themselves to improve their health and body. Clothing is worn for comfort and performance only, not aesthetics. The athlete loves to attend sporting events and is also happy to watch sport on the TV.
The Athlete archetype includes the competitor, the outdoorsman, the dancer, and the tomboy.
The creative loves being original and genuinely expressing themselves. The creative hates to repeat or copy what others have done before them. They are happiest creating something from nothing, and this may include a piece of art, but it could also be a meal, an outfit, a room in a house or even an idea. The creative tends to be a perfectionist, which can make it difficult to begin a new project. Once you get started, you tend to get into the zone until a project is complete or you need a break.
The creative archetype includes the artist, the chef, the child, the poet, the novelist, the shapeshifter and the romantic.
What Are Your Main Archetypes?
At archetypes.com, it’s possible to find out which archetypes you are most similar to. This may help you identify what journey you need to take in life or what areas may be best for you to focus on going forward. Included below are my results:
I’m pretty happy with these results and not surprised by my top 2, but I was surprised to see visionary my third highest archetype. I’ve never thought of myself as imaginative or innovative, but I do want the world to change for the better and am willing to do what I can to improve the mental health of others.
Based on these results, it’s apparent that I love to help others. Still, I need to be cautious about taking on excessive responsibility for others or feeling too guilty or inadequate when I can’t help as much as I would like to. I love to learn and be curious about new things, but I still need to be humble and understand that there’s still so much that I’ll never know. I also need to realise that not everyone wants to learn as I do, which is okay. Lastly, when I have an innovative idea, it is vital that I put this plan into action to make a real difference. I would also benefit from connecting with others and collaborating with the right people to help make these dreams a reality.
I know that archetypes and the test are not highly scientific, but I still found them useful to think about what story I am trying to live out and what values or principles I am being guided by. Caring for others, learning new things, and creating positive change is what I care about. What about you?
This will be an unfiltered post. No thinking things through. No edits. Just reflections on life, age, and anything else that pops into my head. Here goes nothing:
Turning 33 feels weird.
I feel old at times, especially in my body.
I still feel like a child at other times, and I wonder whether I will ever feel like a proper adult.
I can’t believe I have so much grey hair now.
It’s strange to wonder where the time has gone.
Yet when I think about it, I really have done a lot and had many amazing experiences in my time on this planet.
I’m happier now than I have ever been before.
We never really know how our life will turn out.
I couldn’t have planned for what has occurred in my life, yet, amazingly, things have turned out the way they have.
I’m excited about the future.
I used to get scared about the idea of getting older, but I don’t anymore.
I’ve stopped searching for the right answers these days and instead focus on asking and living the right questions.
I don’t regret much from my past, even though some of it really sucked at the time.
I still don’t fully understand people, even after I have studied psychology for 8 years, seen patients since 2010 and read over 200 psychology books.
I will never fully understand myself or someone else, which is okay as long as I keep trying to learn and grow.
33 is a palindrome.
When I was younger, I would have seen 33 years old as “really old” and “over the hill.”
I thought that I would have been a parent by now.
I am glad that I haven’t just tried to follow the crowd and live a traditional life.
I used to think it was better to receive gifts from others, and now I can see how it is better to give.
I worried and stressed way more than I needed to as a child.
I focused on my body image and appearance way too much as a teenager.
I’ve never really looked after myself that well regarding what I put into my body. This will eventually catch up to me if it hasn’t already.
I’ve let go of being perfect, which feels great.
Not everything happens for a reason, but we can learn something from everything that we go through.
Everyone suffers in life to some degree.
Everyone has baggage.
Life isn’t about getting the best job, house, partner, but the best one for you and your lifestyle and values.
No one truly knows what the future holds, and that is both exciting and scary.
It’s much better to only focus on trying to change what is in my control.
Having unconditional positive regard and compassion for others is tough to do but really rewarding if you can.
Living an honest and ethical life is so much less tiring in the long run than being dishonest, self-centred and egotistical.
There are many kind people out there, and being kind to others is the best way to see it.
Thanks for reading these last three years, and happy holidays to you all!
Life traps are self-defeating ways of perceiving, feeling about, interacting with oneself, others, and the world.
If you want to get a sense of what your life-traps may be, the book ‘Reinventing your life’ by Jeffrey Young is an excellent place to start, as it goes into 11 different ones. If you want a more in-depth analysis, however, then go and see a Psychologist who specialises in Schema Therapy.
A Psychologist has much more thorough and scientific questionnaires that can give you results on 18 schemas (life-traps), help you identify your most common traps, and show you what you can do both in therapy and outside of it whenever you realise that you have fallen into a trap.
My Life-traps
I have taken the Young Schema Questionnaire (YSQ-L3) three times to help identify my main life traps. The first time was at the beginning of 2014 when I was stuck in the middle of a complicated relationship while also trying to complete the last part of my Doctoral thesis and play basketball at a semi-professional level.
The second time was in April 2017, when I was in a Clinical Psychology job that I loved. I had also stopped playing basketball at such an intense level and played with some friends (and without a coach) twice a week, which was way more fun.
The most recent time was August 2018, where I had just finished up my work in private practice in Melbourne, Australia and was about to leave my friends and family to volunteer for two years in Port Vila, Vanuatu, as part of the Australian Volunteers Program (funded by the Australian Government).
I want to share these results with you to show you that:
context influences personality and how people view themselves, the world and others,
personality and ways of perceiving yourself, relationships, and the world can change, and
Even though it is possible to grow and improve over time, we all still fall into traps at times, which is okay. It’s about identifying when you have fallen into a trap and then knowing what you need to do to get out of it.
When looking at the results, a 100% score would mean that I have answered every item for that life-trap a 6, which means that they describe me perfectly. The higher the % score, the more likely I will frequently fall into this life trap.
By looking at the table above, the green items indicate an improvement in comparison to the prior assessment, meaning that these life-traps are a little bit less powerful for me. The yellow indicates no change since the last assessment, and the red indicates a worse score, meaning that these life-traps may have a more powerful sway over me.
From 2014 to 2017, 7 out of the initial top-10 life-traps had improved, one stayed the same, and two had worsened. Two additional traps not included in the initial top 10 had worsened and made the list (Negativity/Pessimism & Mistrust/Abuse).
From 2017 to 2018, seven out of the 2017 top ten life traps had improved yet again, with one staying the same and two becoming worse. One additional trap (Vulnerability to harm/illness) had increased. Still, I believe this was due to the medical and safety briefings that I had been going through in the preparation of moving to Vanuatu for 2 years.
Overall, I am less likely to fall into any life trap in 2018 than in 2014 and 2017. For example, the average of my top ten in 2014 was 53.29%, whereas in 2017, it was 48.28%, and in 2018, it was 46.13%.
I also rated 21 items a 6 (= describes me perfectly) in 2014, only five in 2017, and none in 2018. This means that I am much less likely to get completely pushed around by my life traps. However, they still have some sway on me, especially the self-sacrifice and the emotional deprivation schemas, and to a lesser degree, punitiveness and subjugation.
Here is Young’s description of these schemas:
SELF-SACRIFICE: Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one’s own gratification. The most common reasons are: to prevent causing pain to others; to avoid guilt from feeling selfish; or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy. Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one’s own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of.
EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION: Expectation that one’s desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others. The three major forms of deprivation are:
Deprivation of Nurturance: Absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship.
Deprivation of Empathy: Absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings from others.
Deprivation of Protection: Absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others.
SUBJUGATION: Excessive surrendering of control to others because one feels coerced — usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. The two major forms of subjugation are:
1. Subjugation of Needs: Suppression of one’s preferences, decisions, and desires.
2. Subjugation of Emotions: Suppression of emotional expression, especially anger.
Subjugation usually involves the perception that one’s own desires, opinions, and feelings are not valid or important to others. Frequently presents as excessive compliance, combined with hypersensitivity to feeling trapped. Generally leads to a build up of anger, manifested in maladaptive symptoms (e.g., passive-aggressive behaviour, uncontrolled outbursts of temper, psychosomatic symptoms, withdrawal of affection, “acting out”, substance abuse).
PUNITIVENESS: The belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes. Involves the tendency to be angry, intolerant, punitive, and impatient with oneself for not meeting one’s expectations or standards. Usually includes difficulty forgiving mistakes in oneself, because of a reluctance to consider extenuating circumstances, allow for human imperfection, or empathize with one’s feelings.
Three out of my top four life traps have improved since 2014, but emotional deprivation, unfortunately, continues to climb with each assessment. I think that self-sacrifice, subjugation, and emotional deprivation schemas may be common life traps for people who decide to become psychologists. The therapeutic relationship is meant to be one-sided and focused on the patient or client’s needs, not the psychologist’s needs. For this reason, psychologists must get their relational needs met outside of their job and get their own therapy if needed to ensure that they can have a space about them. I wonder how these life traps will continue to evolve over the next two years in Vanuatu…
How Can Life-traps Be Overcome?
The first step to changing anything is awareness. If you are not aware that you are falling into any traps, it means that you either don’t have any, or you are so enmeshed in your experience that you cannot see them.
Once you are aware of your traps, the next step is to understand them and why they occur for you. Most life traps originate in childhood typically, which is why most psychologists and psychiatrists will ask about your upbringing and your relationship with your parents in particular.
Life traps are actually considered to be adaptive ways of coping with maladaptive environments. This means that your life traps were probably quite useful in the particular family dynamic that you had, or you wouldn’t have developed them in the first place. For example, my family often called me a martyr when I was younger because it didn’t matter what I wanted. In reality, it was just much more comfortable to let everyone else decide and take charge. Then if things didn’t work out, others couldn’t blame me. I saw it as a win-win but often didn’t get what I wanted because I didn’t speak up and then complained that my parents loved my siblings more, who were more than happy to speak up and ask for what they wanted.
However, once you move out of the family home, these coping methods are generally ineffective. They tend to become maladaptive ways of interacting with yourself, others or the world. If I keep playing the martyr and refuse to speak up as an adult, my needs still don’t get met. As a result, I may become excessively demanding of others as a counterattack measure (not likely for me), or I may try to escape from all relationships where I need to speak up about my needs. Either way, it keeps the life trap going, and it isn’t helpful.
I need to realise that there are relationships out there where it is beneficial for me to speak up, as people then know what I want and respond effectively to the situation at hand. It still doesn’t “feel right” when I think about telling others my wants or needs (and I’m not sure if it ever will), but I logically know that it is the best approach for me to take going forward. If I want to break free from my main life traps, I must learn to speak up reasonably when important to me (and others). By doing this, eventually, the life traps will become much less prevalent and less powerful too.
If you have been trying with therapy for a long time but don’t think you are getting anywhere, please seek a Psychologist with experience in Schema Therapy. Also, if you are stuck in a relationship where your needs aren’t being met, it could help too.
Learning about Schema Therapy and undergoing training in it has taught me more about my own personal life traps than anything else that I have done before and really does give me a sense of what my most significant challenges are going forward. I’ve made a lot of progress so far, but there is still a long way to go, and that is okay. I know that I will continue to improve with acceptance, self-compassion, patience, reflection, and perseverance, and I am confident you can too!
Dr Damon Ashworth
Clinical Psychologist
P.S. For a full description of the other 14 maladaptive schemas, please click here.
On January 1st, 2018 we kickstarted our Deliberately Better movement.
Along with other passionate and driven allied health professionals, we aimed to highlight the various ways that people can choose to act if they wish to scientifically improve their health and well-being.
In January, we aimed to engage in a random act of kindness each day.
This was a fun experiment, and I tried to make a video of my acts of kindness every second day, which I was mostly successful with:
On day 4, I supported a friend on a hang gliding expedition
On day 6, I spent some quality time with my dad and played a round of golf with him
On day 8, I donated some spare change to the Royal Children’s Hospital
On day 12, I bought a copy of the big issue to support a rough sleeper
On day 14, we left a big tip at a restaurant that stayed open for us
On day 16, I donated plasma to the red cross blood bank
On day 18, I topped up some stranger’s parking meters
On day 20, I donated some clothes to charity
On day 22, I supported an organisation that was trying to raise money to protect a wilderness area in Tasmania
On day 24, I proofread a book that my friend had written and wanted to publish
On day 28, I went and played a beach volleyball tournament with my sister.
On day 30, I handed out bottles of water to people who were homeless around Melbourne.
Even though it was weird to film and promote the acts of kindness that I engaged in, the month really did teach me a few valuable lessons. These are:
Trying to be kind to others feels good
2. Viewing or hearing about others acts of kindness feels great
3. Hearing about or seeing others acts of kindness encourages people to be kinder too
4. Trying to be kind to others can improve social anxiety
5. Trying to be kind to others can enhance energy levels and physical health
To assess changes in how I felt from the beginning to the end of the month of kindness, I completed the Positive and Negative Affect Scale (PANAS), as developed by Watson, Clark and Tellegen (1988). This scale has two 10-item scales; one for positive affect and one for negative affect.
If you would like to assess your levels, please answer from 1 to 5 on the following questions for how much you have felt this way recently:
1 = very slightly or not at all
2 = a little
3 = moderately
4 = quite a bit
5 = extremely
Positive affect items:
_______ active
_______ alert
_______ attentive
_______ determined
_______ enthusiastic
_______ excited
_______ inspired
_______ interested
_______ proud
_______ strong
Negative affect items:
_______ afraid
_______ scared
_______ nervous
_______ jittery
_______ hostile
_______ guilty
_______ ashamed
_______ upset
_______ distressed
If you want to compare your scores to previous norms, first add up your totals for your positive affect and negative affect.
A 1989 study of 815 Detroit adults by Quinn found an average for positive affect of 36.0. For negative affect, the average was 18.2 (Quinn, 1989).
In 1993, an unpublished study by Wilkinson found an average of 33.5 for positive affect in 114 adult men and 33.9 in 115 adult women. For negative affect, it was 14.2 for the men and 15.5 for the women (Wilkinson, 1993).
What I find interesting about these findings is that US adults report both higher positive and higher negative affect, indicating that they may be more expressive (and more aware) of their emotions than Australians.
My score for positive affect before the kindness challenge was a 32, which was below the norms for both Australian and US adults. Given that I was feeling exhausted by the end of 2017, this makes sense to me. Extraverts are more likely to experience higher levels of positive affect also, and I would consider myself more of an ambivert.
After a month of kindness, this score had shot up to 41, which was more than one standard deviation higher than the norm for Australian men, and much higher than the average for US adults too.
My negative affect was less impacted by my acts of kindness, however, with my score remaining at 16 at both the start and the end of the month. I was slightly less irritable by the end of the month, but I was also a little bit more afraid, and this could have been due to the videos that I was putting up.
Either way, I seem to experience slightly more negative emotions than the average 1993 Australian, and somewhat less than the average 1989 individual from Detroit.
My experiment with being kinder didn’t solve all of my problems, but it did help me to take a few risks, challenge myself, put myself out there more, grow as a result, and hopefully put a few smiles on some people’s faces. That is enough for me, for now.
2018 DELIBERATELY BETTER AGENDA:
* In February, we gave up or cut down on something that was having a negative impact on our quality of life.
* In March, we focused on our diets and looked at what were the most effective ways to lose weight or get into the best shape of your life.
* In April, we looked into the different habits of high performers and how they improve their skills and become as effective as they are at what they do.
* In May, we’ll be looking at how to hijack your hormones and get in control of your sleep, metabolism and energy.
* In June, we’ll be checking out the latest and greatest developments in health and wellness literature, and passing on the top tips from the fields of medicine, psychology, neuroscience, behavioural economics, fitness and nutrition.
* In July, we’ll be exploring the benefits of minimalism, looking at ways to develop and stick to a budget, how to financially plan for the future, how to cut back on spending, how to create passive income streams, and the top tips for investing in or trading on the stock market.
* In August, we’ll be getting into the gym and out onto the track to explore how to bulk up, shred down, get ripped and be the most physically capable than you have ever been in your life.
* In September, we’ll be looking at the latest trends in health technology, and exploring the various options that you have if you want to improve your psychological and physical well-being.
* In October, we’ll be focusing on how to stress less, and sharing the latest tips to calm down quickly if you are distressed and want to live a more relaxed lifestyle in general.
* In November, We’ll be trying something new, and looking at the multitude of benefits that novelty can play in our lives.
* Last, but not least, in December, we’ll be taking stock of the year, reviewing what worked and what didn’t, and cultivating gratitude for all of the fantastic things in our lives.
Just the other week, I was featured in the Daily Telegraph and the Herald Sun on sleep retreats. It was weird because I had been planning on running some sleep retreats but hadn’t yet. Stranger still, I hadn’t told anyone about my idea yet, and it was the first article that I have been mentioned in that I am aware of without being interviewed or asked for permission first.
In the article, the first recommended retreat was Golden Door in the Hunter Valley, NSW. From what others had told me about it, it is generally known as a well-being retreat rather than a sleep retreat.
An excellent Sleep Physician that I work with at the Melbourne Sleep Disorders Centre, Dr David Cunnington, did inform me that he often goes up there on weekends to be a guest speaker on sleep difficulties and how to improve them. He asked if I wanted to accompany him one time. I willingly obliged.
We flew up to Newcastle on Friday the 18th of May just after midday, drove an hour from the airport to the Hunter Valley, and settled into our rooms just before 4 pm. It was a charming private villa, with my own balcony with a view, a long couch to relax on, a nice big bathtub to relax in, and my own king bed to sleep in. And that was just the room.
The main building where the reception was consisted of a huge golden door opening up to steps and a waterfall running through the building. A chef was on-site to prepare healthy meals for everyone for breakfast, lunch and dinner (no red meat or processed carbs, no caffeine and no alcohol). Not to mention a day spa offering five pages of treatments, an indoor pool for deep water running or lap swimming, an outdoor pool for relaxing, a steam room and spa, a yoga studio, indoor basketball court, a huge gym, two tennis courts and even a table tennis table.
I wanted to get to it all but remembered that this was a perfect opportunity to switch off, relax, and unwind. So instead of participating in the afternoon activities on Friday, I decided to run myself a hot bath, listen to an audiobook, and rest until dinner time.
Golden door seemed to attract an eclectic mix of people, from stressed executives, burned-out executive assistants, and people needing a career, family or relationship break or change. Everyone was friendly and welcoming, and most obliged with wearing their name tags across the weekend, making it easier to approach and ask people what brought them to Golden Door and what they were hoping to get out of it.
The staff were fantastic too, often mingling with the guests at meal times and participating in as many activities as possible. After dinner, at about 7 pm, those interested went for a leisurely walk and stopped to lie back and stare up at the stars. Living in the heart of Melbourne, this is an opportunity that I don’t often get, and I relished just looking up without feeling like I had to rush off and do something else.
After the walk, we headed back to our private villas, where I continued to try to stay away from bright screens. Instead, I did 10 minutes of meditation, listened to an audiobook while relaxing on the couch, and went off to bed once I felt sleepy.
On Saturday morning, I was awoken by a knock on the door, and a doorbell ringing at 6 am. If you don’t want this, you can put a do not disturb sign on the outside of the door, but it is to help people get up for the 6:30 am tai chi session up on meditation hill. I didn’t want my sleep to be over yet, but I managed to get dressed and strolled up the hill just as the sun rose across the Hunter Valley.
With 360 degree views of the valley, Meditation Hill is probably the most picturesque part of the Golden Door retreat (it’s all pretty nice, though). I’d never done tai chi before, but it wasn’t too bad, especially with the hot air balloons taking off for their flights from the valley below.
Following that, it was straight to the pool for some deep water running. I thought it would be some light aqua aerobics for oldies, but it was much more intense. Then there was breakfast and a 10km hike. Followed by tennis after lunch, and table tennis after that. Way more exercise than I expected to do, but I didn’t regret it. I then headed off to yin yoga, another activity I’d never tried before. I may have fallen asleep a little bit during this, but power naps are healthy for you.
A 50-minute deep tissue massage was next at the Elysium day spa. A bit pricey at $140, but it felt amazing after all of the activity I’d done, especially my calves. These treatments are optional, but quite a few guests seemed to be getting them.
David’s talk on sleep was after dinner. Then it was off to bed again. My second night of sleep was longer but not quite as deep as the first one.
When I compare it to how I slept two nights before the retreat and two nights after it, I can see that a wellness retreat really can improve your sleep on the nights you are there. This is because it gives you so many things that can help you to have a good night’s sleep, including:
Lots of physical activity during the day but not too late at night
A vast amount of morning sunlight helps entrain your circadian rhythms and wake you up for the day. This can also help you to fall asleep earlier that night.
Healthy food.
No caffeine.
No alcohol.
Plenty of activities to relax and unwind.
More time in nature with beautiful scenery and less time indoors looking at bright screens.
Opportunities for engaging conversation with friendly and welcoming people that are also wanting to improve their health.
It doesn’t offer clear guidelines or individual recommendations around sleep or how to keep improving it once you go home. For example, a 6 am wake-up call is perfect for some to help them not spend too long in bed. For others, it could cause anticipatory anxiety or lead to them putting too much pressure on themselves to get to sleep early the night before.
A fascinating book that I read towards the end of 2017 was ‘The 48 Laws of Power’ by Robert Greene.
Since the book was first released in 1998, it has sold over 2 million copies worldwide and has influenced many successful people, from Will Smith to Kanye West, Jay-Z and 50 Cent, who later co-wrote a New York Times’ bestseller with Greene.
It is also the most highly requested book in U.S. prisons due to the synthesis of Machiavelli, Sun Tzu and other famous writers’ key prescriptions for effectively managing power struggles in difficult environments.
Some of the 48 laws do seem contradictory, and others seem a little repetitive. Still, there are some truly great bits of advice for effectively managing situations where power may play a role. This might be a corporate environment, a difficult but smaller workplace, a large social group, to really anywhere where there is a power imbalance between people or a formal or informal hierarchy.
Here are my 10 favourite laws, including a description of each law from the following website. The parts that I especially like are bolded. Enjoy!
Law 4: Always Say Less than Necessary
When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control… Powerful people impress by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.
Like the Danish proverb that says, “deep rivers move with silent majesty, shallow brooks are noisy”, law 4 reminds me only to say things that I believe will be of value. It also helps me stay within my circle of competence and not give advice on things that I do not know much about.
Law 9: Win through your Actions, Never through Argument
Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.
A parent who smokes but tells their children not to is unlikely to be successful at persuading their children because “actions speak louder than words”. The better option is not to smoke or quit if you want to set a good example. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “you must be the change you wish to see in the world”.
Law 13: When Asking for Help, Appeal to People’s Self-Interest, Never to their Mercy or Gratitude
If you need to turn to an ally for help, do not bother to remind him of your past assistance and good deeds. He will find a way to ignore you. Instead, uncover something in your request, or in your alliance with him, that will benefit him, and emphasise it… He will respond enthusiastically when he sees something to be gained for himself.
As sad as this may appear, most people are self-motivated and want to do the right thing if it makes them look good. For example, a hybrid car such as a Toyota Prius sells well because it is known as a hybrid car. It screams out, “I care about the environment,” in a way that the Toyota Camry Hybrid does not because the hybrid version of the Camry looks almost identical to the regular Camry. The 2014 sales in the US of each car highlights this point: Prius = 194,000; Toyota Camry Hybrid = 39,500; Toyota Camry (non-hybrid) = 428,600. Figure out how what you want will benefit the other person or help them look good before you ask for a favour, and you are much more likely to get them on board.
Law 18: Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself — Isolation is Dangerous
The world is dangerous and enemies are everywhere — everyone has to protect themselves. A fortress seems the safest. But isolation exposes you to more dangers than it protects you from — it cuts you off from valuable information, it makes you conspicuous and an easy target. Better to circulate among people, find allies, mingle.
Many people that I see try to protect themselves at the cost of a real sense of connection and belonging with others. This law helps by reminding me of the dangers and costs of not opening up to honest people you can trust.
Law 23:Concentrate Your Forces
Conserve your forces and energies by keeping them concentrated at their strongest point. You gain more by finding a rich mine and mining it deeper, than by flitting from one shallow mine to another — intensity defeats extensiveness every time.
This reminds me of the saying, “jack of all trades; master of none”. If you want to make progress in anything, it is important to prioritise and put your energy into the activities and thought patterns that will give you the best results. Law 23 also helps me to build upon my strengths rather than worrying too much about my weaknesses.
Law 25:Re-Create Yourself
Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define it for you.
I often encourage my clients to clarify their most important values and see how these differ from what their family, friends, culture, or society may want. The idea of working hard and not enjoying life until retirement is not a role that I want to accept, even though this is considered normal in many respects by society. It’s much better to create and live a sustainable life for myself, whatever that may look like. Then it won’t matter if and when I retire, especially if I keep loving what I do for work.
Law 28: Enter Action with Boldness
If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honours the timid.
Law 28 reminds me not to doubt myself once I have settled on a course of action and fully commit myself to it for a set period of time instead of remaining uncertain or indecisive. Once a decision is made, it is much better to give it 100% until the next decision needs to be made. Uncertainty only leads to more stress and anxiety and less satisfaction in the long run.
Law 29: Plan All the Way to the End
The ending is everything. Plan all the way to it, taking into account all the possible consequences, obstacles, and twists of fortune that might reverse your hard work… By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you will know when to stop. Gently guide fortune and help determine the future by thinking far ahead.
This reminds me of the benefits of thinking into the future and clarifying how I would want my life to look. For example, if I had a 50th birthday and someone close to me stood up and spoke about the person I had been for the past 18 years, what would I want to hear them say? Based on my response to this, it is then important to see if my 1-, 5- or 10-year plan is helping me to head in that direction. If not, more planning and some big changes may be required, as long as my plans are flexible enough to change as I continue to grow with time.
Law 35: Master the Art of Timing
Never be in a hurry — hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself, and over time. Always (be) patient, as if you know that everything will come to you eventually. Become a detective of the right moment; sniff out the spirit of the times, the trends that will carry you to power. Learn to stand back when the time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely when it has reached fruition.
Patience is a massively underrated value, especially in today’s society. How often do you see people multitasking or telling you how busy they are? I know I sometimes do. But slowing things down and really making sure that my attention is 100% on what is most important in any given moment is a great recipe for long-term happiness and well-being. While it is important to “strike while the iron is hot”, I think it is also important not to be too reactive and make sure that the decisions you make are really consistent with your values and long-term plans. Knowing how to say no to the wrong things in life is also a crucial element of success.
Law 45: Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once
Everyone understands the need for change in the abstract, but on the day-to-day level people are creatures of habit. Too much innovation is traumatic, and will lead to revolt. If you are new to a position of power, or an outsider trying to build a power base, make a show of respecting the old way of doing things. If change is necessary, make it a gentle improvement on the past.
Trying to change my eating habits has taught me this law better than anything else recently. As soon as I try to be too restrictive, I rebel against any prescriptions. Long-term sustainable changes are again much better than short-term dramatic changes. The 20-minute walk that you manage to do is better than the 10km run you do not, so start small and try to build up slowly. If you can do this, changes are much more likely to stick.
If you want to see the remaining 38 laws, please click here or purchase the book. Some of the laws seem pretty ruthless, but pretending that they don’t exist in power dynamics is much more dangerous than learning how they work.
I also recommend checking out my dealing with toxic people article for more information on successfully managing and surviving difficult interactions.
Damon Ashworth Psychology 
You must be logged in to post a comment.