Ten Timeless Rules for a Fulfilling Life

One of the better books I have read recently is Rutger Bregman’s ‘Humankind: A Hopeful History‘. It was first published by De Correspondent in the Netherlands in 2019 as ‘De Meeste Mensen Deugan‘.

De Correspondent began as a new journalism platform in 2013 that consisted of no advertising, no cynicism, and no news. It was the idea of Dutch philosopher Rob Wijnberg, and the idea of the publication was to offer solutions. Bregman began working for De Correspondent in 2013 after a conversation with Wijnberg, and Humankind is the result of his seven years of work there.

At the end of the book, after thoroughly highlighting that Phillip Zimbardo sucks and Gordon Allport is awesome, Bregman suggests ten rules to live by now. If we can follow these rules, it will help us to more clearly see that humans are not as bad as most people believe. Here they are:

I: When in doubt, assume the best

As much as ‘The Lord of the Flies’ and Phillip Zimbardo try to suggest otherwise, Bregman shows through several stories and case studies that typical human nature is fundamentally good. By presuming positive intent in others, we help foster trust and cooperation. Some Narcissists or Psychopaths will try to take advantage of you, but the majority of people will do what they can to try to co-operate with you if they know that you want to co-operate with them and want the best for them too.

II: Think in win-win scenarios

Sometimes people will think that to personally get ahead, or for them to win, someone else needs to lose. With certain games, like many sports (e.g. football or basketball), this is true. But there are lots of things in society that are not zero-sum games, including relationships. Bregman emphasises creating collaborative win-win solutions that help everyone, rather than zero-sum outcomes where one party’s gain is another’s loss.

III: Ask more questions

Curiosity and open-mindedness are key to understanding others and finding better solutions. Bregman asks us to not assume things, and instead deeply inquire what someone is saying and where they are coming from and why. People may have very different opinions about a topic, like politics, but both people or groups may share similar values below that of wanting a good life for their friends and family and people that they care most about. What if we asked more and judged less?

IV: Temper your empathy. Train your compassion

Empathy, or putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and really trying to feel what they are feeling, is an excellent skill to have. It can help us to feel the pain of someone struggling. By doing this, potentially we are more likely to reach out and support or act and do something about the situation. But studies have also found that experiencing empathy can be draining, which makes it a finite resource.

People that consider themselves “empaths” report feeling a lot of empathy towards others. Over time, they learn that they need to carefully protect this resource and when they use it or risk experiencing burnout and fatigue.

Compassion, on the other hand is a more measured approach and is not draining in the same way as empathy. It is potentially an unlimited or growing resource rather than a finite one. Different areas on the brain light up when people are experiencing compassion than empathy, and people report feeling energised by compassion rather than drained from it. By practicing compassion or loving-kindness meditation, it is possible to increase the feeling of wanting the absolute best for others, including people that you might not love or strangers, and then use the energy that comes from this into being more loving or kind through your actions.

V: Try to understand the other, even if you don’t get where they’re coming from

With how polarised issues seem these days, it can feel easy to write off someone else as ‘bad’ just because they think differently than you on a particular topic. But considering the echo chambers that people might be living in online, both of you may think that your position on the issue is the obvious and clearly right choice.

What if we focused on encouraging dialogue and understanding between groups or people that are thinking differently? It could help bridge the divide between the two parties and foster better relationships.

VI: Love others as you love your own

One aspect of humanity that will be difficult to fully overcome is the in-group, out-group bias that nearly everyone has. Studies have found that putting different people into groups where they are working as a team towards a common goal can change how people feel towards the other people. Suddenly, the other person can change from being seen as one of them to one of us. With football, this can easily be seen. The Chelsea fan who hates the Manchester United fan might get along with them really well when England is playing in the World Cup.

What if we could start thinking about people in a more universal way? If there was an alien invasion, would we suddenly all team up and see that we are all human and want the best for those we are closest to and care the most about? Is it possible to show that same care and respect to people all over the world?

VII: Avoid the news

Like the book ‘Stop Reading the News: A Manifesto for a Happier, Calmer and Wiser Life’ by Rolf Dobelli, Bregman shows that news often focuses on sensationalism and negativity. The standard news negatively distorts our perception of ourselves, others, the state of the world, and our future. By stepping back from constant news consumption, we can keep a more balanced view of humanity and see how much progress we have already made and how much we are likely to make going into the future too.

When I tell some people that I try to consume as little traditional news as possible, it seems like some people think I am not trying to stay informed on the important things that are going on around the world. That is not necessarily true, I’m just not sure if the standard news really is the place to get it. I subscribe to both the Fix the News and Human Progress weekly newsletters. They summarise a lot of positive events that are happening around the world, and I love reading about all of the amazing progress and innovation that is occurring.

For example, the new Malaria vaccines that are being rolled out across Africa look pretty amazing, and could prevent cases by 30% with one vaccine and have 75% efficacy over a year with another. That could go a long way in reducing the overall cases we get each year (estimated 249 million cases in 2022), and hopefully reducing the overall death toll too (estimated 608,000 in 2022).

VIII: Don’t punch Nazis

By just looking at the wording, it seems like the most irrelevant rule of the list. Especially seeing that I don’t tend to meet too many people who identify as Nazis. But if we interpret this rule a little bit wider, we can see that Bregman is advocating for non-violence and the importance of addressing hate through understanding and dialogue rather than through aggression.

Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jnr are two of the most famous examples of what progress can be achieved through nonviolent resistance. Nelson Mandela is another great example of what can be achieved through trying to move forward in the most effective way rather than trying to punish people for what they have done in the past.

IX: Come out of the closet, and don’t be ashamed to do good

Embrace and be proud of your positive actions and values, even if they are unconventional or are met with resistance or judgment by others. The VIA character strengths survey or the intrinsic values test are two great ways to get clearer on what your key strengths and core values are. Once you are aware of these, you can then look at how they can be applied more in your day-to-day life going forward.

This doesn’t mean that you need to tell everyone about what you are doing necessarily, and it definitely doesn’t mean taking photos or videos of the people that you are trying to help out. But it’s also okay to show others through your actions that acts of care and kindness can be done, and it can contribute to you feeling better and the world being better over time too.

X: Be realistic

Finally, Bregman suggests maintaining a practical outlook while being hopeful. Human behaviour is complex, and not everything is amazing. Just because progress has occurred, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a lot of negative things out there that are occurring too. Most recently, the cost of living challenges are having a huge impact on the mental and physical health of lots of people in Melbourne, Australia, and I am sure that it is probably happening in many other places too.

There is always going to be trauma out there in the world, unlucky events, and certain people doing selfish and horrible things. However, if you can see that even though you might have some challenges, generally you try to be fair and kind, then potentially there are more people out there that are trying to be like this too.

Like Bregman, I’d prefer to have an optimistic view towards others and the world. If we can try to live by these rules, it could help us to foster a more compassionate and constructive approach to interacting with others and viewing the world.

Dr Damon Ashworth

Clinical Psychologist