When I was ten, I was in grade four at primary school. I was one of the tallest kids in the class, skinny and uncoordinated.
I loved sport and computer games. I enjoyed living where I did in the northeast suburbs of Melbourne and had some good friends who I saw regularly.
I was not too fond of school, talking on the phone, doing chores around the house, and my little sister. I also tried to regularly take sick days from school with a sore tummy that I now know was anxiety. I’d had a horrible teacher the year before who didn’t seem to like me, and I had no idea how to cope.
Here are ten thoughts that I would say to myself if I could go back in time and have a chat with my ten-year-old self:
1. Before you do anything else, breathe
I know you worry a lot and stress yourself out by overthinking, but you don’t have to have all the answers yet, or maybe ever. So before you do something you may regret, stop. Take ten slow and deep breaths, and try to breathe out all the air with each breath. Then see how you feel and what you can do.
2. Focus on one thing at a time
I know that you feel you have too many things to do and not enough time. But multitasking is a myth and will stress you out more. Instead, determine whatever is most important to you at any given moment, and then try to put all of your intention and effort into that until it is complete or you need to take a break.
3. Don’t always believe what your thoughts tell you
I know that you personalise things and catastrophise or imagine the worst. Some things are your fault, but many things are not. You are not “bad” or “evil”, but you can be mean if you want to be. You’re also probably not going to die over the homework assignment that you forgot to save on your computer. Start meditating 10 minutes a day before you go to bed, and you will eventually understand your thoughts and manage your emotions much better.
4. Write things down
I know you feel that your mum and dad don’t always understand you, but you can learn to understand yourself through reflection. First, write down three things that you are grateful for every day. Then, make a plan to address any concerns or worries before they all build up and become overwhelming for you. If you spend 5–10 minutes writing in a journal every day, you won’t regret it. Also, learn how to use a calendar or diary as soon as possible. Good organisational habits now will make life much easier for you later on.
5. Don’t forget to have fun
I know that you are super competitive and hate to lose, but basketball, swimming, tennis, baseball or any other sport is for fun. Practice isn’t always fun as that’s focused on helping you get better, but if you don’t enjoy competing or playing the games, find another sport that you think you will enjoy, and put more time into that. You will not become a professional athlete who gets paid, which is okay. Sport is a very healthy hobby to have, and if you can enjoy it, it’s even better.
6. It’s okay to make mistakes, get rejected or fail
I know that you struggle not being very good at something. Even though it doesn’t feel that good to be a novice or a beginner, the only way to become good at something is to be okay at sucking at it. If you persist through the sucking part, you will become a lot better over time, not suck so much, and eventually enjoy it. So keep playing and practising guitar and trombone, drawing and being creative, and paying attention in Italian class. It’s pretty cool to make art and speak multiple languages, and easier to learn when you are still young. Also, take French at high school, not Indonesian.
7. Keep reading and learning outside of school
I know you don’t like school much at the moment, but don’t just let your teachers dictate what you should learn. If something interests you, explore it further. If you have questions that you want to answer, see if you can find the answers in books or the internet once it gets faster. Many wise people have clarified their thoughts and written them down for you. Their words will help you a lot as you get older, and fostering curiosity and a love of learning at your age is fantastic. If mum wants to teach you how to cook, bake, clean, iron, sew, listen to her, watch what she does, try it and get feedback until you know what you are doing. The same goes with dad trying to teach you about sport, cars, gardening and making things with tools. You won’t regret having these skills once you move out on your own.
8. Make time for friends and family
I know that playing video games is fun, but technology shouldn’t replace face-to-face contact with other people. Be interested in people more than you are in things. You will learn a lot from them, and it will make you happier if you are yourself and they appreciate you for it. Your family won’t always be around as much as they are now, so try to enjoy the time you have with them even though they can all be annoying at times. And be nice to your sister. It’s not her fault that she is cuter and more extroverted than you. She’ll turn out to be a pretty cool person and a good friend to you one day.
9. Invest in index funds
I know that it is fun to spend money if you have it, but saving and investing doesn’t have to take much time and effort and is worth it. No matter how much money you earn, put 10% aside and stick it into an index fund. The power of compounding interest means that you will be setting yourself up for your financial future. You will have more freedom to do what you want to do when you are older without worrying about money as much. You probably won’t feel like you are sacrificing much, but the long-term benefit will be great.
10. Try to be the best you that you can be
You often compare yourself to others and don’t feel like you are as good or lovable as them. The truth is you will never be as good as your brother at being your brother, so don’t even try. Rather than comparing yourself to who others are today, try to compare yourself to who you were yesterday. As long as you strive to be a better person each day, that is all you can do. Be proud of yourself for who you are and for the effort you put in. Although you don’t see it all the time, know that mum and dad are proud of you and love you too. Unfortunately, they don’t always show it the way you want them to, but they do care. Your life will be pretty cool in the future, and it doesn’t keep getting harder, so try not to worry about the future too much. Instead, focus on what is healthy and in your control each day. The future will take care of itself.
For many years, Psychologists focused exclusively on alleviating suffering. A worthy objective, but the treatments tried to reduce depression or anxiety, not increase happiness or life satisfaction. If someone is no longer feeling sad, will they suddenly feel happy? Perhaps, but not necessarily.
The field of Positive Psychology tries to address these concerns.
Martin Seligman has written three major Positive Psychology self-help books titled ‘Learned Optimism’, ‘Authentic Happiness’ and ‘Flourish’.
Seligman was interested in studying depression and ran some experiments at the University of Pennsylvania in the late 1960s to develop his theory of learned helplessness. Initially, the dogs were given electric shocks at random intervals and were not allowed to stop the shocks or escape the situation. After a while, even when Seligman provided the dogs with a chance to stop or exit the shocks, he found that they would not do anything about it. The relevance to people with depression is that an individual in an aversive environment who learns that they cannot change their outcome will continue to hold this belief even in situations where this isn’t the case. They won’t improve their position because they think it won’t make a difference anyway. But what if it does?
‘Learned Optimism’ was seen as the antidote to learned helplessness and focused on changing people’s outlooks and teaching them resiliency to better distinguish between things you can change and things that you can’t. By putting their energy into what they can do instead of blaming themselves for something out of their control, they became more motivated to develop knowledge and learn skills to make changes they desired in their lives. Regardless of what has happened in the past, having a slightly optimistic outlook on life leads to better emotional and physical health. It helps people persevere through the bad times, look after their health and put their best long-term interests first. Research has even shown that it can lead to a better survival rate following a heart attack.
In ‘Authentic Happiness’, Martin Seligman extended these ideas and said that happiness was not just a matter of genes or good luck but could be sought out and created. You can do this by discovering your character strengths and virtues and putting these into action as much as possible.
If you are interested in discovering what your natural character strengths are:
2. The survey results will rank your Strengths from first to last. First, determine if your top 5 strengths are your key character strengths or virtues — you will know if the responses “feel right” to you. Then, if a lower-ranked item seems to better fit you than any of your top 5, write down your new top 5.
3. Ask yourself, how much do you currently put these strengths into practice? In what ways do you apply them or live by them? For example, if love of learning or creativity is your highest ranked strength, do any changes need to be made in your life so that you can experience these more (e.g. study a new course or take on another creative pursuit)?
4. If changes need to be made, set yourself some SMART (S — specific, M — measurable, A — attainable, R — realistic, T — timely) goals for how you can put these virtues into action. If these are your key character strengths and virtues, it is likely to lead to a higher overall sense of emotional well-being.
In ‘Flourish’, Seligman proposed only five elements crucial for optimal psychological well-being or for someone to flourish. He called this his PERMA model of well-being:
P — positive emotions — We all need love, joy, hope, compassion, gratitude, awe and excitement in our lives. What activities frequently bring about these emotions for you? Can they be sought out, or can you engage in these activities more regularly?
E — engagement — Sometimes referred to as ‘flow’, engagement is the state when we are no longer in our heads or consumed with worries but completely immersed in whatever we are doing. By reading the book, ‘Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement with Everyday Life’ by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, I realised that we could create the conditions for these engagement experiences. Typically, you can achieve this with activities requiring some skill and challenge but not too much. So it is when I am playing a sport, in session with a client, or engaging in a creative pursuit. However, it is different for everyone and doesn’t always happen each time you do an activity. It is what athletes refer to when they are “in the zone” or what M. Scott Peck referred to when he spoke about how his best-selling book ‘The Road Less Traveled’ seemed to write itself. Mindfulness training, apart from its other benefits on stress, pain and prevention of depression relapse, can also lead to a higher likelihood of full engagement with a situation.
R — positive relationships — Whether we are extroverted or introverted, humans are still social creatures who seek to be understood and accepted for who we are and have a sense of belonging with others. We also like to share experiences, as you will notice with any child who waits for their parents to look and see what they are doing before engaging in an action. It was the moral of the story in “Into the Wild”, the 2007 movie starring Emile Hirsch, where the main character wrote, “Happiness only real when shared”. But negative relationships also cause a lot of pain, so the secret may be in how to seek out and foster the right connections (e.g. friends, partners), as well as how to improve the ones that we already have or may not be able to choose (e.g. family, bosses). If you are having problems with this area of your life, the book ‘The Relationship Cure’ by John Gottman is an excellent place to start, as is seeking out a trained relationship therapist.
M — meaning — Friedrich Nietzsche first said: “he who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” Viktor Frankl also determined in ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ that purpose was required to withstand the daily atrocities he faced as a Jewish prisoner of a German concentration camp during World War II. Frankl, a Psychiatrist, believed so much about the importance of meaning that he developed a treatment called Logotherapy, which focused on helping others find meaning. He dedicated the second half of his book towards this goal and his subsequent psychotherapy. Depending on your beliefs, there may or may not be a universal meaning of life, but each individual must determine its importance. Where possible, it is then essential to try to live your life in that way, as long as it doesn’t break the laws of your society or cause harm to others. Values clarification exercises can assist with this.
A — achievement — People like to achieve things, succeed, and win for their own sake. It is why there are so many cheats for video games and corruption in the corporate world, and drug cheats in athletic competition. So many people will do what they can to win. Achievement can be winning something, gaining knowledge, building skills, or completing a task. Having three achievable goals each day would go a long way towards improved well-being.
Psychology is about more than the alleviation of suffering. It is about helping people understand, grow, develop mastery and self-efficacy, and live the best life they can!
The fascinating and comprehensive book ‘Shame and Guilt’ by June Tangney and Ronda Dearing describe shame and guilt as universal human emotions that are functionally important at both an individual and a relationship level.
Features shared by shame and guilt (Tangney & Dearing, 2002):
Shame and guilt are both very private and personal emotions. They are predominantly internal experiences that are more difficult to observe or measure than other universal emotions, such as anger, sadness or joy.
Yet, they are also social emotions, in that these emotions develop during interpersonal interactions with our family and those closest to us.
Both shame and guilt can be classed as “moral” emotions in that our experience of them can hopefully propel us to act more morally.
They are both closely linked with how we see ourselves about others. They continue to profoundly influence our behaviour in interpersonal situations throughout our lives, especially in contexts involving perceived transgressions, mistakes or moral failures.
Shame and guilt both involve becoming self-conscious following a personal transgression and evaluating our behaviour about our perceived self, familial and societal norms. Based on this evaluation and what we internally attribute the violation to, we judge our behaviour and potentially internal sanctions towards ourselves if we deem the behaviour morally or socially unacceptable.
Although Philosophers and Psychoanalysts have been theorising about shame and guilt for over a century, it is only really since the late 1980s that Psychologists have begun to systematically research and examine the nature of shame and guilt and the implications that these emotions and experiences have. Unfortunately, as well as being difficult to observe directly, many people tend not to have a clear understanding of the differences between shame and guilt.
Features where shame and guilt differ (Tangney & Dearing, 2002):
Focus of evaluation
With shame, the focus of the evaluation is on the global self (e.g., “I am horrible!”)
With guilt, the focus of the evaluation is on the specific behaviour (e.g., “What I did was horrible!”)
Degree of distress
With shame, the degree of distress is generally much higher than with guilt, with more significant pain.
With guilt, the degree of distress is generally much lower than with shame, with less pain.
Phenomenological experience
With shame, people tend to shrink and feel worthless, powerless and small
With guilt, people tend to feel tense, remorseful, and regretful
Operation of “self.”
With shame, the self becomes split into an “observing self” and an “observer self.”
With guilt, a unified self remains intact
Impact on “self.”
With shame, the self becomes impaired by a global devaluation (because of the focus of evaluation on the self)
With guilt, the self is unimpaired by a global devaluation (because the focus of the evaluation is on the specific behaviour)
Concern vis-a-vis the “other.”
With shame, one becomes concerned with an internalised others’ evaluation of the self.
With guilt, one becomes concerned with the effect that their specific behaviour has had on others.
Counterfactual processes
With shame, one tries to mentally undo the undesirable aspects of the self that have become apparent through denial, defensiveness, blaming others or aggression.
With guilt, one tries to mentally undo the undesirable aspects of their behaviour through being moral, caring, socially responsible and constructive.
Motivational features
With shame, the desire is to hide, escape, or strike back
With guilt, the desire is to confess, apologise, or repair
It was nice to see that I do not blame others when I realise that I have made a mistake and am often accountable and responsible for my actions. However, it does seem that I tend to punish myself too much following a transgression. But what do these findings mean for real life?
The TOSCA has been used widely in studies on shame and guilt since 1989. It defines guilt as a more adaptive response to a situation where the focus is on the desire to repair or right the specific wrong caused. Conversely, shame is a less adaptive response where the attention is on a global negative self-evaluation without any reparation generally being taken.
Research Findings on Shame and Guilt
Research findings using the TOSCA have found that “Shame and guilt have important and quite different implications for interpersonal relationships.” For example, based on 12 years of research, Tangney and Dearing (2002) have found that:
Individuals who are prone to shame:
They are more likely to blame others for adverse events through humiliating others, bullying, and violence.
They are more likely to experience bitterness, resentment and a seething kind of anger and hostility towards others and the world. They are also inclined to express their anger in aggressive and non-constructive ways, particularly in close interpersonal relationships. The shame-anger dynamic may help explain what occurs in many domestic violence incidents.
They are less likely to be empathetic, as the global self-focus of shame impedes sensitivity and impairs connection.
They are more likely to be vulnerable to a range of psychological difficulties through internalising the shame, including depression, low self-worth, self-loathing, eating disorders, and addiction.
They are more likely to be suspended from high school, use illicit drugs, engage in unsafe sex practices, abuse their spouses and attempt suicide (when individuals were first assessed in fifth grade and then followed up on years later).
Individuals who are prone to guilt:
They are more likely to understand, empathise and connect with others.
They are more likely to accept responsibility for their transgressions.
They are less likely to be angry, hostile and aggressive. Conversely, people who feel guilty and angry are more likely to express what they feel assertively and constructively.
They are less likely to experience psychopathology as long as the guilt is “shame-free.”
They are more likely to apply to college, engage in community service, begin drinking alcohol at a later age, and use birth control (when individuals were first assessed in fifth grade and then followed up on years later). They were also less likely to try heroin, drive while intoxicated, and be arrested or convicted of a crime.
Is guilt always a helpful emotion?
No. Two maladaptive forms of guilt (Kim, Thibodeau & Jorgensen, 2011) have been correlated with depressive symptoms to a similar degree to what shame is. These are contextual-maladaptive guilt, which involves an “exaggerated responsibility for uncontrollable events,” and generalised guilt, which involves “free-floating guilt that is unrelated to any specific context” (Kim, Thibodeau & Jorgensen, 2011). This excessive or inappropriate guilt would not be helpful to experience regularly.
What Can We Do?
A. Manage guilt effectively
With guilt, the steps for dealing with the emotion are pretty straightforward:
Has a transgression occurred where you have not lived up to your own (or an internalised other’s) moral standards?
Can you make up for this transgression in any way?
By taking responsibility for your action?
By fixing the mistake and cleaning up the mess?
By genuinely apologising and showing remorse for your actions?
By understanding and empathising with the person if you hurt them?
3. How can you learn from the mistake so that you are less likely to repeat the same transgression in the future?
4. What plan can you put in place so that you are less likely to repeat the same transgression in the future?
If you feel guilty for having a particular thought, please understand that we cannot control what ideas pop into our consciousness. What we can control is how we interpret or respond to the ideas that do arise. Considering that we have at least 10,000 thoughts a day, it is implausible that all of these thoughts will be positive, happy, kind, pro-social thoughts.
No transgression has occurred if it is just a thought, and there is no need to feel guilty, no matter how antisocial, nasty, sinful or taboo these thoughts may seem. A court of law can never charge you for impure thoughts. You do not need to put yourselves on trial either. Even psychologically healthy people have weird or unsettling ideas, as evidenced by this list of common intrusive thoughts (Purdon & Clark, 1992). Our actions define our character and how others see us, not our internal monologue. The above steps only need to be worked through when your efforts do not live up to the person you would like to be.
Once you have worked through these steps, there are no additional benefits that you can achieve by continuing to feel guilty, punishing yourself for your transgression, or not forgiving yourself for your actions. Everyone makes mistakes. We must utilise guilt as an indicator that we have not been living consistently with our most important values and then practice these steps to get back on track.
If you continue to feel guilty after this, try to accept your feelings and make room for the emotional experience. Then try to change your focus to whatever is most important to you in the present moment. For example, it could be the sport or computer game you are playing or connecting with others if you are out socialising. By asking yourself, “What’s Most Important Right Now?” it becomes a lot easier to get out of a cycle of ruminating about what you have done and feeling guilty for it.
B. Encourage parents, teachers, bosses, managers, coaches, and mentors to help others to learn from their behavioural mistakes so that they can improve and maintain a positive sense of self, rather than criticising who they are or shaming them for doing something wrong
We must educate people in these roles about the differences between shame and guilt and let them know that even if using shame seems to be effective in changing behaviour in the short term, it can have devastating long-term consequences. It can damage your relationship with the person and their mental health and behaviour.
Shaming children is especially dangerous and shows them that their love, worth and approval is conditional. As a result of being shamed, children will eventually give up, become rebellious, try to be perfect, or subjugate their own needs and please others to maintain their fragile sense of being loveable, good enough or worthy.
Once people become knowledgeable about focusing on the specific behaviour rather than the person as a whole, it can enhance their sensitivity and effectiveness in all relationships.
C. Develop a Growth Mindset
I have previously spoken about mindsets, as researched by Carol Dweck. When examining the difference between shame and guilt, I noticed the similarities between shame and a fixed mindset and guilt and a growth mindset.
Both guilt and a growth mindset are focused on improving following setbacks, rather than remaining stuck, giving up or blaming someone else for your shortcomings. In addition, research indicates that you can cultivate a growth mindset over time.
The similarities between guilt and a growth mindset suggest that it is also possible to change from being more shame-prone to being more guilt-prone. As you become more guilt-prone, you will begin to learn from your experiences and continue to grow without being held back by the transgressions that you have made in the past.
D. Embrace your imperfections, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and share your feelings of shame with those that have earned the right to hear your story
In “The Gifts of Imperfection’, Brene Brown defines shame as the following:
“shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
Brene Brown
Brene has found that shame needs the three ingredients of secrecy, silence, and judgment for it to grow and spiral out of control in our lives. She also believes that we all experience shame to some degree and that even though we are afraid to talk about what we are ashamed of, it is actually by talking about our shame that we are least likely to be controlled by it.
“If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way — especially shame, fear and vulnerability”
Brene Brown
How to become more shame Resilient (Brown, 2010):
Understand shame.
Recognise what triggers shame for you, both externally (e.g., other people’s critical messages) and internally (e.g., your unrealistic expectations).
Check to see if these criticisms or expectations are realistic or accurate.
Realise that being imperfect does not mean the same as being inadequate or unworthy of love.
Reach out to people who have earned the right to hear your shame experiences.
Talk about what makes you feel ashamed and whatever else you may be feeling about the experience.
Ask for the type of support that you need from them. It could be some kind words or reassurance. It could be something they can do for you (even if it is turn up and listen). It could be some hand-holding, back rubbing, or a hug. Or it could be some quality time, something to cheer you up, or a fun outing to help you change focus and move on.
Once our previously shameful experiences are out in the open, we begin to own our story and realise that we are loveable and worthy, just the way we are. Although it is easier to experience this if our closest relationships provide us with unconditional acceptance, love, and belonging, we only need one person we can open to for shame to reduce and improve. If there is no one in your life that you would feel comfortable talking to about your shame, then a psychologist you feel safe with can help.
Tom Butler-Bowden’s book ’50 Success Classics: Winning Wisdom for Work & Life from 50 Landmark Books’ suggests ten characteristics that successful people have. They are:
1. An optimistic outlook
In ‘Learned Optimism,’ Martin Seligman shows that having an optimistic mindset or favourable expectations towards the future leads to better mental and physical health. Upbeat individuals have better immune functioning and are less likely to develop depression (Carver et al., 2010). They are also more likely to persevere in tough challenges and are more likely to experience psychological growth following a traumatic experience (Prati & Pietrantoni, 2009). Optimism can also reduce mortality rates over four years (Galatzer-Levy & Bonanno, 2014) and forty years (Brummett, Helms, Dahlstrom, & Siegler, 2006).
The good news is that you can develop an optimistic mindset. A recent meta-analysis by Malouff and Schutte (2016) showed that across 29 studies, an individual’s optimism level does significantly increase with training. The most effective way to do this is with the ‘Best Possible Self’ intervention:
“Imagine yourself in the future after everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded in accomplishing all the goals of your life …” — Boselie et al., 2014, p. 335
Optimism training works. However, it would be best to keep it up as the benefits typically wane once the intervention has finished.
2. A definite aim, purpose, or vision
“The primary cause of success in life is the ability to set and achieve goals. That’s why the people who do not have goals are doomed forever to work for the people who do. You either work to achieve your own goals or work to achieve someone else’s.”
Brian Tracy
Although I like this quote, Stephen Covey provides a caveat when he says that there is no point exerting all of your energy climbing up a ladder leaning against the wrong wall. First, we must determine where it is that we would like to climb.
“The key to prospering and adapting in the coming decades amidst an ever-escalating rate of change is to first be clear about and resolutely dedicated to what you stand for and why that should never change. You must then be just as resolutely willing to change absolutely everything else.”
J.W. Marriott Jr.
Successful people are clear on what their values are and what they stand for before taking purposeful action. Values clarification and committed action are two of the six essential components of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT, with the other four elements focused on teaching clients mindfulness skills. According to the American Psychological Association, ACT has strong research support for chronic pain and modest research support for depression, anxiety, OCD and psychosis.
Chase and colleagues (2013) found that goal setting alone did not affect students grade point averages (GPAs) across a semester. However, it did when they provided training in values clarification alongside goal setting—furthermore, clarifying values before setting goals also significantly reduced the dropout rate of these students the following semester (Chase et al., 2013).
3. A willingness to work hard and persevere
“There is absolutely no limit to what plain, ordinary people can accomplish if they’re given the opportunity and the encouragement and the incentive to do their best. It takes risk, hard work, knowing where you want to go and being willing to do what it takes to get there.”
Sam Walton
Professor Angela Duckworth studied the West Point Military Academy students over some years and determined which ones graduated. She knew that each cadet admitted to West Point was intelligent, physically fit, with excellent grades and test scores. However, she was also aware that nearly 6% of the cadets dropped out during the first seven weeks (Beast Barracks training), and one-fifth dropped out before graduation.
Eventually, Duckworth identified two qualities that were more predictive than anything else for determining which students made it to the end: 1. passion and 2. perseverance. Together, they make up a quality known as grit. People who score high in grit are much more likely to put in the effort required, do whatever it takes and persist until they succeed. She has since found that grit is a great predictor of success in other areas too.
“Often we are caught in a mental trap of seeing enormously successful people and thinking they are where they are because they have some special gift. Yet a closer look shows that the greatest gift that extraordinarily successful people have over the average person is their ability to get themselves to take action.”
Anthony Robbins
4. Discipline to work until goals are achieved
“Undoubtedly, we become what we envisage… Genuine success requires both courage and character — patience, discipline and rationality.”
Claude Bristol
Duckworth and colleagues (2010) have also researched self-discipline and show that you need to sustain this for long-term commitment and implementation. Without this self-discipline, adolescents struggle to set long-term goals and strive towards them.
Fortunately, it can be improved using two strategies:
Mental contrasting — elaborate upon a future that you desire with the relevant obstacles that you currently face.
Implementation intentions — identify the action you will take when an opportunity arises that is relevant to your goal.
Compared to a control writing exercise, eleventh-grade students who spent 30-minutes writing on the above two strategies completed over 60% more practice questions in preparation for a high-stakes exam. Because of the writing exercises, they had a higher level of self-discipline in pursuing a meaningful goal (Duckworth et al., 2010). Over time, self-discipline can result in higher knowledge, deeper understanding, and better results and grades.
“The first step on the road to success is good character. The second is openness to new perspectives. The third is ensuring that daily action is shaped by higher aims, with the knowledge that you always reap what you sow.”
Stephen Covey
5. An integrated mind utilising both logic and intuition
In his excellent book “Thinking, Fast and Slow”, Daniel Kahneman talks about our two systems of interpreting the world.
The first one, appropriately named ‘system one,’ is perceived quickly, instinctual, and generally our emotional reaction or intuition. ‘System two’ takes more effort and time to access but is also more rational and logical.
As Kahneman shows in his research, people typically use heuristics when making decisions or judgments. Heuristics are generally adequate but not optimal solutions to severe problems. Heuristics use our first system and help us conserve brainpower, but they are only accurate about 80% of the time.
Successful people can utilise both system one and system two. System one is excellent if the decision has minimal long-term consequences, such as what to have for dinner. If the decision has potentially significant implications, however, such as whether or not to buy a house or change jobs, the more energy depleting and accurate system two will be better, even if it takes more time to come up with the correct answer for you.
“Stroll through the open spaces of time to the center of opportunity. Wise hesitation ripens success and brings secrets to maturity. The crutch of time can do more than the steely club of Hercules.. Fortune gives large rewards to those who wait.”
Baltasar Gracian
6. Prolific reading
Reading fiction is great for developing empathy towards others. It provides an opportunity to see inside the characters heads and experience their inner world in a way that you often don’t get in movies or TV shows. It helps develop imagination, as the brain creates the visual images that it reads in words on the page. Thirty minutes of reading can significantly reduce stress, as indicated by lower systolic and diastolic blood pressure and lowered heart rate (Rizzolo, Zipp, Stiskal & Simpkins, 2009).
I love reading non-fiction because I can learn from experts in psychology and related fields for such a low cost. If I were to see them give a talk or book a one-on-one consult, I might be paying up to $1000, and it would only be scratching the surface of all of the fantastic knowledge that they have accumulated in their lives. That is if I could even get a chance to see them. A book in comparison is $30 or less and contains the majority of their pearls of wisdom in one place. Sure, some books can take a while to get through. However, the value for money and knowledge gained is worth it.
“The movers and the shakers of the world are often professional modellers — people who have mastered the art of learning everything they can by following other people’s experiences rather than their own.”
Anthony Robbins
7. The willingness to take risks
There is a big difference between constantly engaging in risky behaviour and being willing to take risks when it is a sound decision to make. Someone like Sir Richard Branson has taken many chances with his Virgin empire, and if it weren’t for these risks, he wouldn’t have been able to expand and grow at the level that he has. For optimal success, you need to take some degree of risk.
“People that don’t risk anything will inevitably find themselves behind those that do. You can lead a change or it can lead you.”
J.W. Marriott Jr.
However, recent research on female and male CEOs supports the notion that too much risk isn’t a good thing either. Faccio, Marchica and Mura (2016) found that firms run by male CEOs tend to make riskier decisions, with generally higher leverage and more volatile earnings than firms run by female CEOs. They are also less likely to remain in operation than firms run by female CEOs (Faccio et al., 2016). More significant risks may lead to higher growth but also a higher risk of overall collapse.
8. Understanding the power of expectation
Successful people think big instead of small and believe that they can achieve anything they set their mind to, even if it takes more effort, setbacks and time than they initially envisioned. Furthermore, look out if thinking big combines grit, a growth mindset, and the right timing. There’s no saying how much someone could achieve.
“When our attitude toward ourselves is big, and our attitude towards others is generous and merciful, we attract big and generous portions of success.”
Napoleon Hill and W. Clement Stone
Research indicates that individuals who believe they can improve are more likely to grow (Bergsma, 2008). Higher expectations strengthen hope, increase determination and goal completion (Geraghty, Wood, & Hyland, 2010). Higher expectations of the outcome can also improve distress tolerance (Williams, Thompson, & Andrews, 2013).
9. Developing mastery in what is most important to them
“The world does not dictate what you shall do, but it does require that you be a master in whatever you undertake.”
Orison Swett Marden
While it may be tempting to try to learn as many different things as possible, the saying “jack of all trades; master of none” often becomes the consequence for people that try to take on too many different projects or career paths all at once.
Warren Buffett once said to his pilot that he should write down the top 25 things he wanted to do in life. Then circle his top 5 priorities and label items 6–25 as “avoid at all costs” until you complete items 1–5.
Reaching mastery can take a long time. In many cases, up to 10,000 hours of deliberate practice, as proposed by Malcolm Gladwell and Anders Ericsson. Ten thousand hours equates to nearly 7 hours a day of deliberate practice, every day, for four straight years. So it makes sense not to spread yourself too thin unless you want to develop mastery in nothing.
“I believe the true road to pre-eminent success in any line is to make yourself master of that line. I have no faith in the policy of scattering one’s resources.”
Andrew Carnegie
10. Well-roundedness and balance
Developing proficiency and accumulating achievements in one area of your life may not mean much if you are not a success as a person.
“No kind action is ever lost. You will be indebted to these trifles for some of the happiest attentions and the most pleasing incidents of (your) life.”
Andrew Carnegie
After watching ‘The Founder’ movie based on the life of Ray Kroc, I was appalled by how willing he was to trample on anyone in his way throughout his pursuit of wealth and power without a second thought. He ignored his first wife, poached the wife of another business associate, didn’t keep his word, and screwed the initial founders of McDonald’s for millions of dollars annually.
Ray Kroc was also a workaholic, with his famous catchphrase “if you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean” still repeated throughout McDonald’s franchises worldwide.
“Without time for recovery, our lives become a blur of doing unbalanced by much opportunity for being.”
Jim Loehr & Tony Schwartz
Suppose you dedicate no time to personal growth, spiritual growth, health, relaxation, leisure, relationships and community. Then, it would become tough to have the well-being, vitality, meaning and support required to achieve ongoing success.
My two cents
Remember, relationship warmth is the number one predictor of long-term health and happiness, not how much money you have in the bank or how hard you have worked.
Focus on building genuine connections and a sense of belonging with others who embrace you for who you are. Don’t let old friendships go by if they give you these things.
“Various scientific studies have proven that if you learn how to deal with other people, you will have gone about 85% of the way down the road to success in any business, occupation, or profession, and about 99% of the way down the road to personal happiness.”
Les Giblin
Try to be kind, compassionate, patient and accepting to others, but also yourself. No one is perfect, and we all fall into the same traps time and time again. However, if you can learn from these mistakes, you will improve and grow.
Lastly, try to accumulate positive experiences, not things. Materialism and consumerism are empty pursuits, void of meaning and purpose. Doing fun, new or helpful things alongside the people you love never is.
After writing blog posts for the last eight years, I find it quite interesting to see which articles are immediately successful and which remain successful over a long period.
The most popular blog post that I have written since 2015 is titled ‘How Have Intimate Relationships Changed Over the Years, and Where Does it Leave Us Now?’. It was first published in May 2016 and did okay initially. However, it continued to build over time, and its most successful month for post views was April 2018, nearly two years after it was first released.
Most posts tend to track like the typical movies at the cinema, a book at the book store, or a song at the record store (back when they still existed). Their biggest week of views (or sales) tends to occur right near the start, and a lousy opening release indicates that the overall views (or sales) aren’t likely to be that great either. Very rarely, this isn’t the case.
Movies
At boxofficemojo.com, they even talk about and predict opening multipliers for films or how much a movie will gross compared to its opening weekend takings. One of the most significant drops was the remake of ‘Friday the 13th’ in 2009. It grossed over $40 million in the first week, less than $8 million in the second week, and only $65 million all up on the US Box office. It was a multiplier of only 1.625, indicating no staying power. Essentially, anyone who wanted to see it saw it as soon as it came out, and that was it.
At the opposite end of the spectrum, you have ‘La La Land’, which started with just over $9 million in ticket sales in the US in the first week, but over $12.5 million the second week and more than $151 million at the US box office all up. Good reviews and Oscar buzz must have played a bit of a role, as its overall take was nearly 17 times that of its opening weekend. In 2005, ‘Sideways’ produced a multiplier of almost 30 times its opening weekend, and ‘Titanic’ and ‘ET’ remained at #1 at the US Box office for 15 and 16 weeks, respectively.
Avatar is the highest-grossing movie of all time worldwide. It stayed in release for 238 days and grossed 2.924 billion dollars. Titanic, released in 1997, is still the fourth highest-grossing movie worldwide. Avatar: The Way of Water is third. James Cameron directed all three movies. He knows how to make films that impact people.
Songs
In the UK, Wet Wet Wet pulled their song ‘Love is All Around’ after 15 weeks at number 1 on the charts, and Gnarls Barkly did the same with their song ‘Crazy’ after nine weeks at #1. Maybe they worried about being one-hit wonders. Can anyone remember any of their other songs?
Other songs may not have even been that big at the time but continue to be hits months and years after first being released. For example, ‘Mr Brightside’ by the Killers, ‘Chasing Cars’ by Snow Patrol and ‘My Way’ by Frank Sinatra never even reached number 1 on the UK charts but remained in the top 100 singles chart for 203, 166 and 133 weeks in total respectively.
Books
‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho stands out like no other with books. Initially, sales were so slow when first published in Portuguese in 1988 that the publisher gave back the author’s rights after a year. Since then, it has gone on to win over 100 international awards, been translated into 80 languages, and sold over 65 million. Publishers also rejected Harry Potter 12 times before it was finally accepted and sold millions of copies worldwide.
So how do some movies, books and songs defy the odds and have seemingly miraculous staying power? I’m not sure if the exact reason is fully known, but it does seem to be that they all make an emotional impact on the audience and come out at the right place and the right time to have the effect that they do. One year earlier or later, and the same magic just may not be recreated. It’s why remakes often fail.
What if you could recreate that, though? Are there particular elements that all big successes have? That helps things go viral? That leads to the box office or New York Times bestselling gold?
What Makes Ideas Hang Around?
Most watched videos on YouTube of All-Time:
Baby Shark = 9.58 billion views (released June 2016)
Despacito = 7.61 billion views (released January 2017)
Johny Johny Yes Papa = 5.85 billion views (released October 2016)
Shape of You = 5.51 billion views (released January 2017)
See You Again = 5.31 billion views (released April 2015)
Bath Song = 4.60 billion views (released May 2018)
Learning Colors — Colorful Eggs on a Farm = 4.53 billion views (released February 2018)
Masha and the Bear — Recipe for Disaster = 4.47 billion views (released January 2012)
Uptown Funk = 4.34 billion views (released November 2014)
Phonics Song With Two Words = 4.27 billion views (released March 2014)
Gangnam Style = 4.24 billion views (released July 2012)
Looking at the above list of the most-watched videos on YouTube, are there any similarities that seem evident to you?
Yes. All of the top 11 are either music videos or videos for children. So there is something about these videos that make adults and children want to watch them again and again. But what is it?
In their book ‘Made to Stick’, Chip and Dan Heath show that any successful idea has two essential qualities:
It is memorable, and
People are eager to pass it onwards
They also say that successful ideas have the following six elements: the acronym SUCCES. They are:
S — Simple: They manage to uncover the core of the idea and don’t complicate it too much beyond that. Like a boy survives evil, but his parents don’t; gets rescued from an awful family; goes to wizard school, and is the one chosen to save the day.
U — Unexpected: They surprise people and grab their attention by doing something unexpected. ‘Gangnam Style’ definitely did this.
C — Concrete: They make sure an idea can be grasped and remembered later. Like this plot: Poor boy meets rich girl on a big boat; they fall in love; the ship hits an iceberg and sinks; the rich girl doesn’t share the door; the poor boy dies.
C — Credible: They make an idea believable or give it credibility. Expert or celebrity testimonials in ads might be the best example of this.
E — Emotional: They help people see the importance of an idea. Watch ‘Sugar’ by Maroon 5, and you’ll know that it has a clear emotional tone (surprise, joy), and the message is unmistakable (Having a famous band turn up to play at your wedding would make a pretty cool story to tell the grandkids one day).
S — Story: They empower people to use an idea through the power of a story. Would you please think of how successful Marvel has been with their movies through the power of storytelling and how DC hasn’t quite managed the same? ‘Batman vs Superman’ sucked.
Yes, I am aware that they didn’t include a final S in their acronym, but maybe that is Heath’s way of being unexpected. Nevertheless, I still find it annoying.
If you found any of this information memorable or valuable, please feel free to share it or pass it on to others. This post probably won’t be the next ‘Mr Brightside’, and that’s okay by me. I’m happy to compromise.
Sometimes in life, we come across people who defy our natural belief systems about how people “should be”. For example, while we assume that most people follow the golden rule of “treat others the way you would like to be treated”, some individuals are not guided by this principle and regularly break this rule.
These people are “toxic” because their behaviours leave a trail of destruction behind them wherever they go. The damage is usually in the form of other people who are left feeling distressed, confused, isolated, trapped, depressed, angry, afraid, guilty, grieving, and potentially traumatised. And that’s not to mention the financial, social, occupational or legal consequences that can arise from an interaction, encounter or a relationship with a toxic person.
A toxic person has minimal concern for anyone apart from themselves, except for how others could help or hinder them from getting what they want, physically or emotionally. The three main ways that they will try to manipulate others into doing what they would like emotionally are through a sense of fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG).
Be careful if you notice that FOG is being used against you to try and get you to do something you don’t want to do. A loving person will encourage us to be the best that we can be. Instead, a toxic person will help us be what they need us to be, which may differ from what is actually in our best interests.
Worse still, toxic people will typically:
(a) not admit to having done anything wrong, even when presented with the facts,
(b) honestly believe that they haven’t done anything wrong or haven’t intended to do so, and instead blame you or someone else for how they felt or what they did, and
(c) try to convince others of their innocence, even if this involves stretching the truth or outright lying.
Unfortunately, many of the clients that I see have been affected by toxic people, including:
The boss. who dangles the promise of pay raises and promotions over their employees to motivate them to reach a goal, and then once employees meet that goal, the boss takes the deal off the table.
The boss, who forces his workers, often vulnerable immigrants on working visas, to work for less money than the minimum wage or to be on call and work overtime without any extra pay or time in lieu.
The alcoholic father. who verbally and physically beats his wife and children.
The competitive father, who is afraid of his children surpassing him and won’t give them any praise or actively minimise their accomplishments.
The narcissistic father, who views his children as an extension of himself and thus tries to live out his unfulfilled potential through them, often in regards to school, sports, and career.
The narcissistic mother who makes her children lie about their school grades or where they live, who they are or what they do so that she looks better to her friends and family.
The self-centred mother, who is afraid her children no longer need her and therefore does whatever she can to prevent them from becoming independent. It might be doing all of the chores for them, nitpicking and criticising their choices in jobs, partners and anything else that could reduce the amount of influence or power that she has over them.
The abusive mother, who locks her children away in a room by themselves and beats or neglects them further whenever they do not comply with her wishes.
The cheating girlfriend, who compulsively lies about her behaviour and then is jealous of their partner talking to a girl and questions their fidelity and faithfulness.
The hypocritical boyfriend who disappears for days on end on drug binges and then calls and messages his partner every five minutes when he knows she is out having fun with her friends.
The ex-partner, who earns a lot of money and still refuses to pay any child support or see the children so that they can get back at or hurt the other parent for leaving them.
The self-centred friend, who consistently demands assistance with the ongoing crises they have in their life, is nowhere to be seen when their friends need support.
I have seen or heard about these individuals across my life, and there are many more toxic people. Some of them are even more severe. It is disheartening to think that people out there can commit such horrible acts regularly without ever questioning their behaviour or feeling guilt.
Even though I have a better rational understanding of why this behaviour occurs by studying Psychology for the past 11 years, it still doesn’t make sense emotionally. I don’t get how someone can hurt the people they “say that they love” when their behaviours are precisely the opposite.
The reasons why someone might treat others in a harmful way include:
They are psychologically very unwell and need psychological treatment or medication. Consisting of the Axis I disorders, this includes severe Major Depressive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety Disorders, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse Disorders, Bipolar Disorder, or Schizophrenia. Although these individuals can engage in toxic behaviours, if the symptoms of the psychological disorder are successfully managed or treated, the harmful behaviour is likely to improve significantly.
They have a personality disorder and could improve their symptoms with appropriate treatment and management. Consisting of Axis II disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder (PD), Obsessive-Compulsive PD, Antisocial PD, Avoidant PD, Dependent PD, Histrionic PD and Narcissistic PD. Research suggests that some of the symptoms of personality disorders can be managed through treatment, such as Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) for Borderline PD. However, personality disorders are generally lifelong conditions that impact individuals across several different areas of their functioning, including interpersonal effectiveness skills. Therefore the likelihood of toxic behaviour increases, especially with Narcissistic and Antisocial PDs.
They are a Psychopath or Deviant and are therefore unlikely to change, even with treatment. Sometimes known as ‘The Dark Triad’, Machiavellians, Narcissists and Psychopaths all share the common trait of lacking empathy for their victims or anyone they take advantage of to get what they want. There is little evidence that treatment is ever successful with Psychopaths and people who are Sexual Deviants (e.g. serial offending Pedophiles). Sometimes, the best thing that society can do is lock up these individuals in a maximum-security prison to minimise the harm they can inflict upon others. However, Narcissists and Machiavellians (who believe the ends justify the means) are unlikely to be arrested or incarcerated for their behaviours. Therefore, they are most likely to be the toxic people that inflict the most damage on others without any remorse for what they do.
How to Successfully Manage Toxic People
The following information borrows heavily from the non-PD toolbox at the website Out of the FOG. It is a website that I recommend for client’s when they are living with or having to deal with someone who is consistently acting in a toxic way towards them.
What NOT to do when dealing with toxic people:
Abuse Amnesia — Do not try to forget or suppress previous episodes of abuse or boundary violations that the toxic person has perpetrated.
Amateur Diagnosis — If you believe that the toxic person has a psychiatric diagnosis or personality disorder, do not share this information, hoping that this will improve the situation or the relationship.
Avoidance — Do not withdraw from other relationships to reduce their risk of exposure to the toxic person and the potential criticism and rejection that comes with this. Avoiding other people will only further isolate you from your support and positive relationships, which you will need if you regularly deal with a toxic person.
Circular Conversations — Do not engage in repetitive, cyclical arguments with toxic people who endlessly cover the same issues without resolution. You are unlikely to get a different solution using the same strategy that hasn’t worked in the past.
Denial — Do not try to deny that a toxic person is engaging in certain behaviours or that these behaviours are not having severe adverse consequences if they are. It will still be damaging you even if you are typically resilient. It is essential to accept what is happening and how you feel to be more likely to do something about it.
Enabling — Do not try to absorb the abusive behaviour of the toxic person without challenging it or consistently enforcing personal boundaries. It will only “enable” them to continue the behaviour without any fear of repercussions.
Fix-It Syndrome — Do not try to take responsibility or compensate for the toxic person’s behaviours. Do not try to clean up their messes or fix the problems created by their actions. They need to be responsible for what they do if they are to learn from it.
Fleas — Do not try to imitate or emulate the toxic person’s behaviour or stoop to their level. It is tempting, but it is much better to act consistently with your values than “catch fleas” and act in a toxic way too. You will not have as much practice as them in doing what they do and will often get criticised by the toxic person for being the one with all of the problems if you try.
Lack of Boundaries — Do not allow the toxic person to break the guidelines and limits for acceptable behaviour that you have set. They must be made clear and consistently reinforced, or the toxic person will usually keep pushing and escalating the situation until they get what they want from you without changing their behaviour.
Imposed Isolation — Do not allow yourself to become isolated and cut off from your family, friends, and other supports, even if the toxic person is trying to intimidate you or coerce you into doing this.
JADE — Do not try to justify, argue, defend or explain or it is likely to end in a circular conversation.
Learned Helplessness — Do not believe that you have no control over a situation. A toxic person will sometimes want you to think this. Still, options and supports are always available if you wish to leave a relationship involving a toxic person.
Obedience — Do not blindly follow what you are being told to do by a toxic person because you think it will lead to less confrontation. Decide if what they are asking from you is really in your best long-term interests. Then, delay answering straight away so that you can have the time and space to think about it properly.
Rescuer Syndrome — Do not try to rescue the toxic person or compensate for their behavioural issues. The toxic person will only change when they are ready to, with qualified professionals’ additional assistance.
Self-Doubt — Although it is difficult, try not to let what the toxic person says impact how you see yourself, your mental health or your moral compass. Instead, believe in yourself, seek support, and query other friends or family about any doubts you have.
Although many people have tried these strategies, they are usually less effective than the recommended strategies.
What TO DO when dealing with toxic people:
The 3 “C’s” Rule — Do repeat this mantra when thinking about the toxic person and their behaviours: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it.”
The 51% Rule — Do consider your own needs just a little more than the toxic person (at least 51%) if you would like to help them effectively.
The 50% Rule — Do realise that any relationship is about the dynamic between two people. Therefore, focusing on your part in the relationship (the 50% of the relationship you are responsible for) can positively change the overall dynamic. Much more than focusing on what the toxic person does. What they do is the 50% that is out of your control and not your responsibility.
Boundaries — Set clear and consistent guidelines and limits for acceptable behaviour with toxic people. Let them know how you will respond if they cross these boundaries and consistently reinforce these consequences when they do so.
Clean Up Rule — Do allow the toxic person to clean up their messes and deal with the external consequences of their actions. You are only responsible for cleaning up your messes, not theirs.
Emotional Intelligence — Do work on effectively understanding, recognising and regulating your own emotions, and develop empathy and social skills in dealing with the toxic person’s feelings without fixing their problems for them.
Get Support — Do find supportive people who are likely to empathise with you and understand what you are going through. If they understand mental illness, personality disorders and toxic people, it will be more likely that they will give you the support you need.
Journaling — Do write down whatever you are thinking and feeling about the toxic person and your relationship or troubles with them. If you can do this without censoring yourself, taking a break or worrying about what you are writing, then it can be even more therapeutic. If you can keep this in a safe place, do so, otherwise delete it or dispose of it in a way that is unlikely to be seen by the toxic person.
Make Good Choices — Do devote your energy focusing on what is under your control and the steps you can take. It can reduce stress a lot.
Medium Chill — Try to disengage through distraction, relaxation, meditation, and other arousal-reducing strategies if direct contact with the toxic person or their behaviours is unavoidable.
My Stuff/Their Stuff — Do clearly define and remind yourself what is your concern (“my stuff”) and what is the toxic person’s concern (“their stuff”), regardless of what they say to you.
No Contact — Do think about going “No Contact” and cutting off all forms of correspondence and contact with a toxic person if they are consistently not respecting your boundaries and consequences. No one deserves abuse, and this cannot take place if there is no contact or communication.
Personal Safety — Do keep a list of actions that you can follow to prevent situations from escalating into verbal, emotional or physical abuse. It will help if you put this in place as soon as any form of violence happens. First, try to stop the conversation, secondly, try to leave the room or the area, and thirdly call the police.
Put Children First — Do make decisions based on what is in the best interests of the children. Their needs and especially their safety and protection from abuse must come first.
Therapy — Do seek help if you are struggling to protect yourself or emotionally detach from the toxic people in your life. Therapy can also help if you want to learn more about yourself or build up other skills and capacities in your life (assertiveness, self-esteem, compassion etc.).
Work on Yourself — Do allocate time, energy and focus for yourself so that you can restore a good sense of balance with work, leisure, personal growth and socialising regardless of what the toxic person does.
If you are interested in reading more about this, I recommend checking out the Out of the FOG website. The book ‘Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You’ by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier is also helpful.
Before the industrial revolution, humans lived in small groups that they were born into and had minimal interaction outside these groups for the duration of their lives.
Because humans were not great at surviving in the wild, we used our frontal lobes, communication skills and opposable thumbs to work together to build villages and castles that helped protect us from the outside elements, predators and other groups.
Humans realised that we were safer, more secure, and less vulnerable by bonding and working together. But for the group to work, specific rules or social mores needed to be created and followed. Everyone had to contribute or play their role if they wanted to benefit from the increased resources and protection that the group provided.
People who didn’t do their bit were at risk of being kicked out of the group, where they would have to fend for themselves or face the world on their own. Isolation typically led to an early and untimely death at the hands of dehydration, starvation, extreme weather, predatory animals or other humans.
Based on the above story, it makes sense why evolution favoured fitting in and getting along with others over being authentic to ourselves. A potentially hefty price to pay, especially if you were very different from what the group wanted you to be, but worth it if it was a matter of life or death.
Fast forward to the 21st century
We suddenly live in a much more mobile world, where it is possible to meet and interact with more people in a single afternoon than our ancestors may have encountered in their entire lifetime.
Groups and social hierarchies still exist and are much more complicated than ever in many ways. However, they are also more fluid. People can now change their position in the hierarchy or even leave their group entirely or move to another country and start over again if they don’t get the benefits they would like.
Being excluded from groups or rejected by others is generally no longer a matter of life or death, especially once we become adults. So why does it still feel that way?
Since the industrial revolution, technology and society have changed so rapidly in the modern and post-modern world compared to how things were in the past that it has been impossible for evolution to keep up. For example, the amount of information in the world used to double about every century. Some now say it is every thirteen months, and IBM said it could one day be as quick as every 12 hours. We are, therefore, still genetically programmed to fit in rather than be our authentic selves, even when it isn’t in our best long-term interests.
We obey authority, even when it means causing harm to an innocent other (the infamous Stanley Milgram experiment):
We take on the roles that are given to us and can become cruel in the process (the infamous Robert Zimbardo prison experiment):
We also conform to everyone else’s opinions in the group, even when it is reasonably apparent that they are all wrong.
The Pressure to Conform
In the 1950s, Solomon Asch did a series of experiments looking at the power of social conformity. He brought male participants into the lab and asked them to be part of “a simple perceptual experiment”. Asch first instructed the participants to look at a series of three different sized straight black lines on a card — a short line (A), a long line (B), and a medium-length line (C).
He then randomly presented one of these three lines on cards for 18 trials and asked the participant and seven other individuals the line they saw — A, B or C.
Unbeknownst to the participant, the other seven individuals in the room who responded before him were confederates or actors in the experiment. For the first two trials, the confederates all gave the correct answer, as would the participant, but on the third trial, and 11 out of the subsequent 15 attempts, the confederates all gave the same incorrect answer.
How the participant answered on these incorrect trials indicated the influence of social conformity. Disturbingly, up to 75% of participants gave the same incorrect answer on at least one trial, with the majority experiencing a distortion of judgment over time, where they assumed that their perception must be wrong and the majority’s perception right. There was a sharp contrast to the results in the control group, where there was no pressure to conform, and the error rate was less than 1%, indicating that it was easy to determine which line was which.
Even with easy decisions, it is possible to begin to doubt ourselves quickly if what we believe goes against the opinions of the majority. We may also start to question our perceptions and experiences. It’s, therefore, no wonder that so many people give up on what they may individually know or believe in so that they can fit in with the group. It doesn’t make it right, however. If who we are or what we think is different to the majority, what is the best thing to do?
The Possible Solutions
#1 — Be true to yourself, never be afraid to say anything and always stand up for what you believe.
While this may seem like the obvious solution, it does appear to be too idealistic and too simplistic. Speaking up, especially to the wrong type of authority figure (boss, teacher, parent, government official), puts us at risk of being punished or ostracised from the group each time we do it. Fortunately, we have the right to protest and say most things that we want to here in Australia, but each group still has its rules and social mores, and not following them can lead to exclusion and isolation. Sometimes speaking up is preferable, but it always comes with considerable risk and potentially significant consequences or emotional pain. What is important is that we try to reflect on things when we have time and try to make up our minds on the issues we care about. By doing this, we can hopefully remain secure and sure about what we believe in and share our opinions in safe settings.
#2 — Don’t worry about the group and live the life that makes you happy by yourself.
As long as we have a place to live and an income for food, water and leisure activities, we might be able to get by okay with shutting most people out. Some people take this path after they have gone through significant traumatic events, especially in the context of relationships. Maybe the pain of the social exclusion would lessen if it was self-imposed too, and some jobs require very little interaction with others.
In reality, though, we are social creatures, and being so isolated from others would likely take its toll over time. It’s why solitary confinement is used as a form of punishment and as a deterrent in prisons. There is also endless amounts of research out there showing the beneficial aspects of social support for optimal physical and emotional health, especially after a traumatic physical or psychological event. Being around people that we share our world with and who care about us is required on some level.
#3 — Find the right group where you can be as close to your authentic self as possible and are not only accepted by the group but loved and appreciated for this.
The beauty of our flexible society and the world these days is that we can move if needed, change jobs, let go of old friends and partners if they are not suitable for us, and seek out new ones that are a better fit. But what should we look for in our friends? How do we know if the group is right for us? How do we figure out if it is likely to positively impact our physical and emotional well-being in the long run?
In her book ‘Four Ways to Click: Rewire Your Brain for Stronger, More Rewarding Relationships’, Amy Banks suggests seeking out people who CARE. With these individuals, you feel:
C — calm. You feel safe and secure being around them, sharing yourself with them and opening up to them.
A — accepted. You feel like they accept you for who you are, and you feel the same way with them. You may not always agree with everything that the other person does, but you still appreciate them for who they are.
R — resonant. You get each other. You can see how the other person thinks and feels and can accurately reflect that back to them. You feel that you connect, click and are on the same wavelength.
E — energised. You feel energetic, motivated and maybe even inspired around each other. It is the opposite of a draining relationship.
If you currently don’t feel calm, accepted, resonant or energised with anyone, I highly recommend reading the book, as it suggests some strategies to help rewire your brain to make these types of relationships possible in time.
Otto Rank, a one-time disciple of Freud, believed that “life is an ongoing struggle between the desire for autonomy and union”. Both are important, and how much you choose to give up one for the other needs to be considered and determined at various points throughout our lives.
Although some sacrifices do seem necessary, I’d like to hope that we are much closer to being able to have the capacity to be both our authentic selves and to connect with others truly. Of course, we first need to know ourselves. We then need to seek out the right people and groups to spend time with.
One of my favourite movies of all-time is ‘Midnight in Paris’. Let’s just forget about the director of the film for a second, and focus on the main reason why I love it – nostalgia.
In the movie, Gil, played by Owen Wilson, writes a novel about a character who owns a nostalgia shop. He idealises the past, especially the creative scene of Paris in the 1920s where Ernest Hemingway bumped shoulders with F. Scott Fitzgerald, Pablo Picasso, Gertrude Stein, Salvadore Dali and many other famous writers and artists.
In the first great scene of the movie, after a few wines and a midnight stroll, Wilson’s character somehow finds himself at a party back in the 1920s, meeting all of these icons. While there, he also meets an intriguing woman, Adriana, played by Marion Cotillard, who idealises Paris in the 1890s.
Later in the movie, they somehow step back to the 1890s together, and Adriana decides to stay there forever. Gil can’t understand this, as to him, the 1920s is the best decade and much better than his real-life back in the 21st century. Eventually, he realises that no matter what time you are in, the present will always be “a little unsatisfying, because life’s a little unsatisfying.”
Earlier in the movie, Paul, played by Michael Sheen, explains the concept further:
Nostalgia is denial — denial of the painful present… the name for this denial is golden age thinking — the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one one’s living in — it’s a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.
Because Paul is a jerk, what he said had little impact on Gil in that scene. But, eventually, Gil does see the truth and decides to break up with his obnoxious fiance and live a more authentic life to who he truly is in the 21st century. He then meets a girl who also idealises the 1920s.
If you could go back to any time in history, would you, or would you choose to continue living in the present?
It’s an interesting thought experiment to me, but I honestly do not believe that I would, unless I had a time machine that could also bring me back to 2024 after I’d spent a week there and had seen with my own eyes how things were.
How are things improving?
In the book Homo Deus, the author Yuval Noah Harari said that it has only been recently that wars, famine and plague are no longer the massive problems they once were.
We have more people than ever, yet we are also much less violent than ever, with better medical care, a higher level of prosperity, a much lower infant mortality rate, and longer life expectancies than we have ever experienced in the past.
We have come a long way concerning worker’s rights, children’s rights, women’s rights, animal rights, LGBTIQ rights, and the removal of legal discrimination based on race, sex, gender, culture, religion, or disability. Virtually any form of discrimination is now frowned upon, especially from a legal perspective in Western civilisation.
In his latest book, “Enlightenment Now”, Steven Pinker shows that we are 100 times wealthier than we were 200 years ago, with a more even distribution of wealth than there used to be. Sure, the top 1% of earners still make more money than the bottom 99% combined, but things have kept improving for people at the bottom too.
The poor have more technology now than the rich could have even dreamed of 150 years ago, We have better nutrition, stimulation, sanitation, and education, and our IQs have risen by 30 points in the last 100 years. That means that someone with an average IQ of 100 these days would have been considered a genius who was more intelligent than 98% of the population just a century ago.
We are 200 times less likely to die from war than in the early 1940s, 96% less likely to die in a car crash, 95% less likely to die while at work, and 92% less likely to die in a fire. Even nuclear weapons have decreased by 85%, thanks to the joint efforts of the US and Russia to give up on their arms race (Pinker, 2018).
Some say that our health is worse, but then why do we keep living longer than ever? The average life expectancy around the globe continues to rise, with some African countries increasing their life expectancy by more than ten years across the last decade. Individuals in these countries are therefore no closer to their death even though they are now ten years older!
Some say that we have become more isolated and lonely. Most notably, a sociologist, Robert Putnam, wrote the best-selling book ‘Bowling Alone’. In this book, he explains that our social capital has declined since its peak in 1964. According to Putnam’s extensive data, we engage less in community life, see friends less, join clubs less, play sport less and generally do more things alone than we ever have before. We also watch a lot of television. As a result, Putnam says that we are suffering from higher rates of suicide and mental health disorders than ever before.
It turns out that this may not be true, however. While we have a greater awareness of mental health conditions than we had in the past, we also have more people talking about their difficulties and seeking help. So, although rates of depression and anxiety are increasing in some surveys, this could mean a higher social acceptance of these conditions and a reduction of stigma around personally admitting to having mental health difficulties.
Support for improved well-being across time is provided again by Pinker when he found that between 1981 and 2007, 45 out of 52 countries assessed exhibited higher rates of happiness in 2007 than they did in 1981. Loneliness also appears to be declining since 2000, at least amongst US college students (Pinker, 2018). So maybe the internet, smartphones and social media aren’t that bad for us after all?
There is still a long way to go, but we are further along the path towards enlightenment than we have ever been in the past, which gives me optimism for the future. In addition, not watching the nightly news helps me see things how they are, rather than the fear and rage that media companies like to sell us.
With the COVID-19 pandemic, it was easy to glorify the past before the world stopped and coronavirus turned things upside down. However, things were not always peachy before 2020. So, instead of just trying to rebuild the past, let’s create the best future that we can for as many people as possible.
I was on holiday in Queenstown, New Zealand, back in 2016 and was amazed at how beautiful the scenery was. I was also amazed by how many experiences were on offer for people visiting or living there.
On my first day in Queenstown, I walked into the town. I immediately saw brochures for the speedboats, canyon swings, skydiving, mountain biking, snowboarding and heli-skiing in several shop windows.
I began hiking up a mountain, and suddenly someone whirred by me through the trees on a zip line travelling at 70km/h. It looked scary but also exhilarating.
Further up the hill, I came across a luge track where families and friends were roaring down the mountain in their carts, smiling and laughing and generally having a great time while taking in the breathtaking views. I saw people bungee jumping from a platform off the side of the mountain, and just above that were people paragliding down to the valley floor.
I don’t recall seeing many unhappy faces that day. On the contrary, most people were fully engaged by others or what they were doing. Engagement is crucial for optimal well-being.
However, apart from hiking and taking in the scenery, these activities did come at a considerable cost. The several days of skiing that I did afterwards at the surrounding Alpine Resorts were no exception.
If I had taken more money with me on that trip to New Zealand, I would have been able to experience a more extensive array of potentially fun activities. Furthermore, as long as I enjoyed these activities, I believe they would have contributed to a higher level of happiness.
Can money ever buy us happiness?
Anyone who says that money can’t buy us happiness is looking at it too simplistically. I’ve seen too many financially stressed clients know that a significant gift of money would be a massive assistance in their time of need. It would reduce their stress and hopefully increase their level of financial security, happiness and overall well-being. Right?
Looking at past lottery winners, we can see that winning a large sum of money does increase short-term happiness. However, 12 months later, the lottery winner has typically returned to their pre-win levels of joy and sometimes feels even worse.
Furthermore, even people who have up to 10 million dollars of net worth often don’t feel financially secure and still believe that if they had more money, they would feel more confident, happier, and more able to buy everything they wanted.
It seems that it almost doesn’t matter how much money we have. As a result, most people will continue to feel financially insecure and typically strive to make more money than they have currently. But is this the best way?
Another fascinating study found that beyond a certain amount of money (approximately $70,000 annually), an increase in salary does not typically lead to greater overall emotional or physical well-being. On the other hand, it seems that we do need to have enough money to look after our fundamental needs (food, shelter, water, safety etc.) and have a little bit of leisure or fun. However, making more money doesn’t seem to hold the answer to happiness, especially if we spend it in the ways that most people do.
Why does more money not equal more happiness?
I believe that the traps of Materialism and Capitalism are to blame, especially in Western culture. We think that working hard, making lots of money, and buying lots of stuff is the secret to happiness and success. This equation is just a myth, however, and it is required for consumerism to flourish. Consumerism prioritises short-term and societal growth above individual functioning or what is best over a long-term basis. It drives us to believe that we need the stuff to be happy, and this is often at the expense of things we need in our lives to flourish.
So what can we do about it?
In the excellent book “Stuffocation” by James Wallman, he makes the case that most people in Western society have too much stuff due to their consumer lifestyle. It is complicating our lives and stressing us out. This stress is now offsetting any of the benefits that come from the stuff that we buy. So should we throw everything out?
Wallman does explore Minimalism as a possible solution to our Stuffocation. However, he doesn’t believe that Minimalism is the antidote because it is purely defined by what materialism isn’t. True freedom can only come from doing what is suitable for us, not doing the opposite of what is wrong. Minimalism is too confining.
We could all just quit our jobs too, and stop making money, but the financial debt would catch up to us pretty quickly unless we somehow learned to become entirely self-sufficient and live off the land. Some people and communities can do this, but it’s not for everyone.
Working less may help. Sweden has recently led the way with this by shortening their workdays down to 6 hours. Many people complain about being time-poor, and reducing how much time we spend at work would increase the amount of time available for people to use in whichever way they find most meaningful. It could be time with family, friends, engaging in exercise or hobbies, or taking some time to reflect and relax. We could cut down through improving productivity or efficiency (books like the ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen Covey or ‘Getting Things Done’ by David Allen could help) or cut down our commitments. Our productivity declines if we work more than 9 hours per day or more than 48 hours per week, so this should be a helpful guide for the maximum hours to work for optimal happiness.
Once you have the extra time, it’s still about making sure that you spend your money in ways that will give you the biggest bang for your buck.
How to spend money in ways that can increase happiness
(1) buy more experiences rather than material objects — Wallman believes that Experientialism is the antidote to Materialism and Consumerism. We need to invest money in experiences and not in stuff. We need to be able to engage in these experiences. They also need to be accessible and affordable to have a significant impact on our overall well-being. If you have to invest in stuff, buy stuff that will make life easier for you to have more of the experiences you would like and less of the experiences that you don’t.
(2) make sure that you are buying things for the right reason — A car or even a ride-on lawnmower can be a way to make things easier or to have an enjoyable experience, or it can just be more stuff. We need to determine why we want to buy something, and if it is about impressing others (showing our status) rather than for our enjoyment, it probably won’t lead to long-lasting happiness.
(3) buy more frequent and smaller pleasures, rather than less frequent and larger ones — People are relatively insensitive to the price of an object. If we buy less expensive things, we get a similar pay-off or reward (in happiness terms) for a much smaller cost. The less expensive stuff we buy, the less we need to work and save, and the less credit card debt we’ll have. With the Australian Securities and Investment Commission stating that Australians owe nearly $32 billion in credit card debt, or over $4,300 each, this is advice that a lot of us could take on.
(4) avoid credit card debt and overpriced insurance — Have you ever noticed that all of the tall buildings in cities tend to belong to either banks or insurance companies. There is a reason for this. They prey on our cognitive biases and utilise effective marketing strategies to get us to buy things now and pay them later. The average Australian pays over $725 of interest annually on the $4,300 they owe on their credit card at an interest rate between 15 and 20%. Suppose we pay only the minimum repayments, whether a credit card or a home loan. It will take a long time to pay it off and cost you a lot more money in interest. So spending more to reduce our interest or getting a debit card rather than a credit card will help us to not waste money for nothing in return except for immediate gratification. With extended warranties and no excess insurance, we will have to pay a premium for “peace of mind”, so it’s essential to work out if that peace is worth the extra cost for you. Insurance works like the lottery — we always think, “what if it happened to me?” and forget about the actual probability of these events occurring.
(5) delay gratification by booking ahead — With more expensive experiences, the longer we can plan these, the better it is for us. Not only do we get the experience, but also the anticipation and excitement leading up to it. So the next time you want to be spontaneous and book a concert ticket or holiday, book it for six months in advance and thank me for the increased happiness later.
(6) use your money to give to or help others — There was a study where they gave individuals $20. Half of them spent it on themselves, and the other half gave it away to someone else. They then tracked the happiness of these groups over some time. Whilst the happiness levels were similar between the two groups immediately after the event, the group who gave the money away were significantly higher only two weeks later. So giving to others does make a difference, both to them as well as to you. It is a lovely message to keep in mind with Christmas around the corner.
If you are interested in other ways to increase happiness through spending, please check out the fascinating article titled ‘If Money Doesn’t Make You Happy Then You Probably Aren’t Spending It Right’ by Elizabeth Dunn, Daniel Gilbert and Timothy Wilson.
One of the saddest things I see time and time again in my work as a Clinical Psychologist is partners who both love each other and try their best to show this to each other, yet neither of them feels loved and appreciated.
The same thing also happens frequently within families, either between parents and their children or between siblings.
In the excellent book, ‘Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well’ by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, they highlight nicely why this often occurs:
Firstly, we are aware of our thoughts, feelings and intentions behind whatever actions we do. The other person is not. All they can see is what we say, how we say it, and our behaviour or body language. Our body language influences approximately 55% of how others interpret what we say to them, with 38% being how we say it and only 7% what we say (Mehrabian,1971). Worse still, these non-verbal cues are generally out of our awareness, meaning we don’t see what they see either.
Secondly, no matter how precisely we choose our words or actions, we cannot fully control how our message will be taken in and interpreted by the other person. Someone understands what we say based on their past experiences, core beliefs about others or our role (partner, sibling, parent or child), and their expectations and assumptions of what we are like or how we should be. Therefore, it creates biases before we have even opened our mouths and affects how they are impacted by what we do and say.
Lastly, suppose we make a mistake or an error or upset someone. In that case, we will usually attribute it to the context or situational factors rather than seeing it as something to do with our character (e.g. “I didn’t wash the dishes because I was running late for work”). Conversely, When others make a mistake or upset us, we often attribute it to a personality characteristic or an unchangeable flaw (e.g. “you didn’t wash the dishes because you are lazy and disrespectful”). What happens next is that we usually criticise their character, which they rightly become defensive over, and they try to explain the context, which we tell them is just an excuse. When the other person criticises our character, the opposite happens, and we wonder how they can be so cruel and unforgiving (making other judgments about their character and personality). It’s no wonder that relationships are so tricky!
What can we do?
1. Develop Active Listening Skills
Rather than assume the intent of others based on how they made us feel, it is much better to try and understand their perspective first and show this understanding through the skills of active listening, including:
clarifying: asking for more information on what they were talking about
“what did you mean by…?”,
“Can you elaborate further on …?”
paraphrasing: repeating back what was said to you in another way
them: “it’s like 100 degrees outside!”
you: “it’s so hot!”
reflecting: showing that you understand how they felt
them: “I had nothing to do all weekend!”
you: “you must have been bored!”
summarising: especially if someone has been speaking for a few minutes on a topic
them: multiple stories about the various things that have gone wrong for them recently
you: “sounds like you’ve had a rough week!”
Some people will get annoyed if you don’t fully understand them or what they are feeling at the moment. Still, even this is an excellent opportunity to learn more about the other person and to get better attuned with how they think and feel from now on. Most people will appreciate the effort.
2. Follow the Three Principles of Humanistic Psychology
Carl Rogers was a Humanistic Psychologist who believed that only three elements were essential for promoting growth and well-being in others. These were:
Unconditional Positive Regard: No matter what the other person does or doesn’t do, it is essential to separate the person from their actions and continue to see the person positively. As a parent or a partner, it is more than okay not to accept or tolerate certain behaviours, but we need to show that we are unhappy with the behaviour rather than who they are. If it is someone that we love, our love for them should not diminish, because we can still see that they are a good person who sometimes does the wrong thing. If they can feel this, it will help them learn right from wrong going forward, rather than feeling like they have to be a certain way to be loved.
Empathic Attunement: It is essential to see the world in the way the other person does and understand how they view the particular situation and feel about it. If we can show this to them in a way that they feel it, they will know that we get it and will develop greater trust in opening up to us about other things as we advance. They will also feel less alone and isolated and be more responsive if we suggest potential ways to help them out of a predicament. Without understanding first, any advice you give usually falls flat and is not taken on at best or is seen as uncaring and interfering at worst.
Congruency: It is essential to ensure that what we are expressing is consistent with how we feel (in a way appropriate to the other person or audience). A parent who is upset at something that has happened in their life may not want to burden a child with their problems. However, it is still better to say, “Mummy is a little upset, but she is going to be okay” rather than “nothing, everything is fine” when a child asks, “what’s wrong mummy?” because they have accurately picked up on how you are feeling. Telling them something that is not congruent with how you feel will only confuse them and potentially make them doubt how their perception is going forward. The more congruent we are, the more trustworthy we are to others, and the less they have to worry about resentment building up or you keeping things from them.
3. Practice Effective Communication
As part of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), Marsha Linehan teaches interpersonal effectiveness skills. She says that if we want to get an objective met when communicating, try the following four steps:
D — Describe the situation, and stick to facts, not judgments
(e.g.” When you are 30 minutes late”, not “When you are rude and don’t care!”).
E — Explain how you feel
(Emotions — e.g. “I feel hurt and upset!”. Not opinions — e.g. “I feel like you don’t care at all!”)
A — Ask for what you need or would prefer
(Behaviours — e.g. “I would prefer that if you are late next time that you either try to leave a bit earlier or text or call to let me know that you are running late”. Not feelings — e.g. “I would prefer if you cared about and loved me like you say you do”).
R — Reinforce the potential benefits to them, you and the relationship if they could do what you have asked
(e.g. “Then you won’t need to rush as much, you’ll be safer on the road getting here, I won’t worry as much, we won’t end up fighting, and we’ll be able to enjoy a great night out together!”).
You might be sceptical, but it really can work, and it does become more comfortable with practice.
4. Avoid the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse
John Gottman, the legendary relationship researcher, claims that he can successfully predict with a 91% accuracy which couples will get divorced in the future after observing them for only five minutes. He says that if you want to avoid a later break-up (the apocalypse), it is essential to prevent the following four things (the four horsemen) that can significantly erode the goodwill of a relationship over time. These are:
Criticism: While it is essential to be able to make a complaint about a specific behaviour in a relationship (e.g. “you left the toilet seat up again”), a criticism about who the person is will never be helpful (e.g. “you’re such a slob!”).
Contempt: This includes anything that communicates disgust, resentment or looking down upon the other. Contempt may be spoken through hostile humour such as sarcasm, cynicism or name-calling, or displayed through behaviours such as eye-rolling, sneering or mocking laughter with the head tilted back. Building a culture of mutual respect and appreciation is the antidote to this.
Defensiveness: This is usually in response to criticisms or contempt, and each partner then feels that they are right and the other is wrong, and the argument becomes about who will win. When each partner is trying to win an argument and blame the other, the relationship suffers in the end. It’s much better to take responsibility for your part and then work towards what will be best for both of you going forward.
Stonewalling: Eventually, after escalating conflict, one partner tries to tune out the other partner, disengaging from the communication or the relationship emotionally while remaining physically present. Stonewalling is done more by males than females and is a way to calm themselves down when feeling overwhelmed and flooded. The result on the other partner is escalating distress, much like a baby who is suddenly unable to interact with their mother in the Stillface Experiment:
Let your partner know that you are overwhelmed and need a 20-minute break. Then, tell them that you will be back and happy to continue the discussion once you feel calmer. Doing this is a much more effective way than just shutting off or shutting out the other person. It also leads to both of you feeling more in control and less distressed.
5. Find Out Their Primary and Secondary Love Languages
People often express their love to others in the way they would most want, rather than showing their love in how their partner, child, parent, or sibling would wish them to.
For example, many fathers will try to show their love to their children by working hard, making lots of money, and providing financial security and stability for their future. But, conversely, the child often wants to spend some time with their dad, play at the park, kick the football, or play video games together.
The most confusing scenario to me is males, who tend to be more visual than females, sending explicit pictures of themselves to a female they are pursuing. I think they do this because they would like to receive a graphic image from the female. However, they assume that the women would want the same. It is considered a crime if you do this in public without prior consent and not through a phone.
Meanwhile, females, usually more sentimental than males, may prefer some flowers or a lovely card with a thoughtful handwritten message. Still, men don’t understand this because it’s typically not something they would ever want to receive. Therefore they don’t see the point. Big mistake!
Understanding the five love languages, written about by Gary Chapman in various books, becomes very handy.
When trying to show someone that you care, the first step is to determine which love languages seem to mean the most to them. A questionnaire exists on the website http://www.5lovelanguages.com that you could ask the other person to complete if you are unsure what they value most and want to understand them better.
The next step is to disregard what you would want from them and do what you think will make them the happiest, based on their love language preferences:
Words of Affirmation:
DO: Give them compliments, encouraging words, written cards or letters
DON’T: Give them undue criticism or emotionally harsh words
Quality Time:
DO: Give them your undivided attention, have one-on-one conversations without interruptions, do things together, take trips together, sit and talk.
DON’T: Spend too much time with friends or groups (even if it’s together), neglect them or have long gaps of time between catch-ups and check-ins.
Gifts:
DO: Give gifts, give time, remember special occasions, give small tokens of appreciation or love — show that you have put in the effort or thought in choosing.
DON’T: Forget special events or anniversaries, or buy meaningless, generic or thoughtless gifts that show that you haven’t put in time or effort in choosing
Acts of Service:
DO: Assist with chores, make a checklist together, tick something off their to-do list, fix something, ask “How can I help?” or “What can I do?”
DON’T: Overcommit to tasks that you won’t be able to complete, forget to follow through on something you have promised to do, fail to help.
Physical Touch:
DO: Sit close, hug, touch
DON’T: Withhold affection or threaten to do so, neglect, physically hit or abuse
By loving those we love in the way they want to be loved, there is a much higher chance that we will feel loved and appreciated, and our relationships will likely improve. Seeing that relationship warmth is the number one predictor of long-term health and happiness, making small changes in how we listen to, talk to, and care for others could go a long way to improving the overall quality of our lives.
Damon Ashworth Psychology 
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