After writing blog posts for the last eight years, I find it quite interesting to see which articles are immediately successful and which remain successful over a long period.
The most popular blog post that I have written since 2015 is titled ‘How Have Intimate Relationships Changed Over the Years, and Where Does it Leave Us Now?’. It was first published in May 2016 and did okay initially. However, it continued to build over time, and its most successful month for post views was April 2018, nearly two years after it was first released.
Most posts tend to track like the typical movies at the cinema, a book at the book store, or a song at the record store (back when they still existed). Their biggest week of views (or sales) tends to occur right near the start, and a lousy opening release indicates that the overall views (or sales) aren’t likely to be that great either. Very rarely, this isn’t the case.
Movies
At boxofficemojo.com, they even talk about and predict opening multipliers for films or how much a movie will gross compared to its opening weekend takings. One of the most significant drops was the remake of ‘Friday the 13th’ in 2009. It grossed over $40 million in the first week, less than $8 million in the second week, and only $65 million all up on the US Box office. It was a multiplier of only 1.625, indicating no staying power. Essentially, anyone who wanted to see it saw it as soon as it came out, and that was it.
At the opposite end of the spectrum, you have ‘La La Land’, which started with just over $9 million in ticket sales in the US in the first week, but over $12.5 million the second week and more than $151 million at the US box office all up. Good reviews and Oscar buzz must have played a bit of a role, as its overall take was nearly 17 times that of its opening weekend. In 2005, ‘Sideways’ produced a multiplier of almost 30 times its opening weekend, and ‘Titanic’ and ‘ET’ remained at #1 at the US Box office for 15 and 16 weeks, respectively.
Avatar is the highest-grossing movie of all time worldwide. It stayed in release for 238 days and grossed 2.924 billion dollars. Titanic, released in 1997, is still the fourth highest-grossing movie worldwide. Avatar: The Way of Water is third. James Cameron directed all three movies. He knows how to make films that impact people.
Songs
In the UK, Wet Wet Wet pulled their song ‘Love is All Around’ after 15 weeks at number 1 on the charts, and Gnarls Barkly did the same with their song ‘Crazy’ after nine weeks at #1. Maybe they worried about being one-hit wonders. Can anyone remember any of their other songs?
Other songs may not have even been that big at the time but continue to be hits months and years after first being released. For example, ‘Mr Brightside’ by the Killers, ‘Chasing Cars’ by Snow Patrol and ‘My Way’ by Frank Sinatra never even reached number 1 on the UK charts but remained in the top 100 singles chart for 203, 166 and 133 weeks in total respectively.
Books
‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho stands out like no other with books. Initially, sales were so slow when first published in Portuguese in 1988 that the publisher gave back the author’s rights after a year. Since then, it has gone on to win over 100 international awards, been translated into 80 languages, and sold over 65 million. Publishers also rejected Harry Potter 12 times before it was finally accepted and sold millions of copies worldwide.
So how do some movies, books and songs defy the odds and have seemingly miraculous staying power? I’m not sure if the exact reason is fully known, but it does seem to be that they all make an emotional impact on the audience and come out at the right place and the right time to have the effect that they do. One year earlier or later, and the same magic just may not be recreated. It’s why remakes often fail.
What if you could recreate that, though? Are there particular elements that all big successes have? That helps things go viral? That leads to the box office or New York Times bestselling gold?
What Makes Ideas Hang Around?
Most watched videos on YouTube of All-Time:
Baby Shark = 9.58 billion views (released June 2016)
Despacito = 7.61 billion views (released January 2017)
Johny Johny Yes Papa = 5.85 billion views (released October 2016)
Shape of You = 5.51 billion views (released January 2017)
See You Again = 5.31 billion views (released April 2015)
Bath Song = 4.60 billion views (released May 2018)
Learning Colors — Colorful Eggs on a Farm = 4.53 billion views (released February 2018)
Masha and the Bear — Recipe for Disaster = 4.47 billion views (released January 2012)
Uptown Funk = 4.34 billion views (released November 2014)
Phonics Song With Two Words = 4.27 billion views (released March 2014)
Gangnam Style = 4.24 billion views (released July 2012)
Looking at the above list of the most-watched videos on YouTube, are there any similarities that seem evident to you?
Yes. All of the top 11 are either music videos or videos for children. So there is something about these videos that make adults and children want to watch them again and again. But what is it?
In their book ‘Made to Stick’, Chip and Dan Heath show that any successful idea has two essential qualities:
It is memorable, and
People are eager to pass it onwards
They also say that successful ideas have the following six elements: the acronym SUCCES. They are:
S — Simple: They manage to uncover the core of the idea and don’t complicate it too much beyond that. Like a boy survives evil, but his parents don’t; gets rescued from an awful family; goes to wizard school, and is the one chosen to save the day.
U — Unexpected: They surprise people and grab their attention by doing something unexpected. ‘Gangnam Style’ definitely did this.
C — Concrete: They make sure an idea can be grasped and remembered later. Like this plot: Poor boy meets rich girl on a big boat; they fall in love; the ship hits an iceberg and sinks; the rich girl doesn’t share the door; the poor boy dies.
C — Credible: They make an idea believable or give it credibility. Expert or celebrity testimonials in ads might be the best example of this.
E — Emotional: They help people see the importance of an idea. Watch ‘Sugar’ by Maroon 5, and you’ll know that it has a clear emotional tone (surprise, joy), and the message is unmistakable (Having a famous band turn up to play at your wedding would make a pretty cool story to tell the grandkids one day).
S — Story: They empower people to use an idea through the power of a story. Would you please think of how successful Marvel has been with their movies through the power of storytelling and how DC hasn’t quite managed the same? ‘Batman vs Superman’ sucked.
Yes, I am aware that they didn’t include a final S in their acronym, but maybe that is Heath’s way of being unexpected. Nevertheless, I still find it annoying.
If you found any of this information memorable or valuable, please feel free to share it or pass it on to others. This post probably won’t be the next ‘Mr Brightside’, and that’s okay by me. I’m happy to compromise.
Physical intelligence is concerned with how different environmental elements interact with our senses to influence or distort our perceptions, judgments, and emotions. These influences then affect our subsequent behaviours.
In her excellent book ‘Sensation’, Thalma Lobel has neatly summarised all of the critical findings accumulated so far in the emerging field of physical intelligence, or ‘embodied cognition’.
Like emotional intelligence, physical intelligence appears to be something that can be developed and improved over time. It firstly requires understanding the biases inherent in the interaction between our sensory-motor experiences and the physical environment. Second, it needs an excellent present moment awareness of these biases so that our judgment and actions are adaptive rather than reactive.
Let’s have a look at how high your physical intelligence is and quick ways that you could improve it:
1. Temperature
Q: Should you offer someone a warm or a cold drink when you first meet them if you are trying to make a good first impression?
In 2008, Williams and Bargh recruited 41 students at Yale and had the experimenter ask half of them to hold a hot cup of coffee for them on the way to the laboratory to ask them a few questions and write down the responses on a clipboard. The other participants held an iced coffee for comparison. They then went to the lab, were given the exact description of a fictitious person, and asked to rate this person on a list of additional traits. Participants who held the hot cup of coffee rated the fictional person as significantly more generous and caring than those who held the iced coffee, even though the participants were not even aware that the cup holding was part of the experiment.
Subsequent studies have supported this finding in showing that giving someone a physically warm drink contributes to perceiving you or others to be emotionally warmer, which would usually lead to a better first impression.
Q: Can being treated ‘coldly’ by others lead to a room feeling colder?
Interestingly, our perception of temperature can change depending on how others treat us or what we think. For example, when we are treated kindly by others, room temperature is typically reported to be higher than it is. Conversely, even thinking of an incident of social exclusion led to the same room feeling 2.6 degrees cooler than in a group that experimenters asked to consider an occurrence of social inclusion (21.4 degrees vs 24 degrees). The way to mitigate this and the feeling of pain that someone experiences following social exclusion? A warm object or drink.
2. Weight
Q: Do secrets physically weigh us down?
In 2003, Profitt and colleagues discovered that when we are carrying a heavy weight, we perceive a hill to be steeper or the distance of something to be further than if we are unencumbered. Seems pretty straightforward, seeing that carrying a heavy backpack would require more effort, and our brain wouldn’t want us to take it as far so that it could conserve energy.
Interestingly, Slepian and colleagues took this a step further in 2012 and found that having or thinking about a big secret can lead to similar findings as carrying something heavy. By instructing participants to think about a meaningful personal secret, they also perceived a steeper hill. They overshot a target with a beanbag (because they perceived it to be further away) than a control group instructed to think about something trivial. So yes, secrets can weigh us down and make us feel like everything requires more energy and effort, especially physical tasks like climbing the stairs with groceries or helping someone move house.
If we want to reduce the physical burden secrets have on us, we need to express them and get them “off our shoulders”. Research shows that writing about traumatic experiences or sharing things that we are ashamed of with others that we trust (or a professional such as a psychologist) unburden us and make us feel lighter and better going forward.
3. Texture
Q: Do you get trendy but hard chairs or traditional soft chairs if you’re opening a new office or business?
The texture of materials matters. Soft or fluffy texture often helps people to relax more, be more flexible and feel more comfortable. In contrast, hard, rough or uncomfortable surfaces make people feel more tense, rigid or uptight.
Wooden, plastic or metal chairs may look great in a new restaurant but may not be so good if it leads to customers thinking the waiting staff are less friendly. However, even if the soft and comfy chairs are more expensive, the long-term benefits could be worth it, especially with internet reviews these days. It may just be the difference between a 4-star and a 5-star review.
There are situations where you may want to be ‘hard’, such as a lawyer who needs to be assertive and firm to negotiate a tough deal. If that’s the case, bring out the impressively looking but uncomfortable chairs. Also, turn up the air-conditioning, and offer them a glass of icy cold water (see #1).
4. Colour
Q: Can a team’s uniform colour impact how many fouls referees call in a sports game?
Unfortunately, yes. In a 1988 study, Frank and Gilovich presented two identical football game videos to college football fans and professional referees. In one video, the primary team wore a white uniform, and in the other video, the primary team wore a black uniform. The videos were otherwise identical. The fans and the refs commented on how aggressively the teams played and how many penalties they would award. The results were staggering, with the black team receiving significantly more fouls and being perceived as more aggressive by refs and fans alike, even though the only difference was the colour of the uniform.
Q: What colour is best to wear to a job interview then?
The colour that probably makes the most significant statement, particularly in power and dominance, is red. It’s why Tiger Woods always used to wear red shirts on the final day of competition back when he was on top of the world and winning all of his majors. The colour red significantly diminishes performance and motivation in others when they see it.
Red is also the colour that politicians wear when they want to appear powerful. Research findings have linked red with a perception of higher status and success in males and higher attractiveness in females. So keep an eye out for the tie colour the next time you see a male politician in the media. When they want to seem kind and caring, they tend to wear baby blue, and on Election Day or when they want to display conviction or strength, it will be red.
So if it’s a business or leadership or management interview, red or black is likely to be the best colour to wear. However, if it’s a role in a helping profession where a softer side is more desired, light blue or white may be better for an interview.
5. Cleanliness
Q: Who is more likely to lie — someone about to shower or someone who has just finished?
If you want to find out the truth from someone, don’t ask them straight after a shower. The questioned person will find it much easier to stretch the truth when they feel clean, as they have a “clean conscience”. Just after a workout and before a shower, they may feel sweaty, dirty or unclean, and therefore will find it less easy to tell a fib. Instead, go for a run or to the gym or play sport together, and then ask away.
Q: What about willingness to help others — someone who has just washed their hands or someone who hasn’t?
In 2006, Zhong and Liljenquist instructed student participants to recall an unethical deed in writing. The experimenters told half of the group to use an antiseptic wipe to clean their hands after typing their act on a computer, whereas the other group did not wash their hands. Both groups could then volunteer by participating in another student’s research project without receiving any compensation. More participants in the no washing group agreed to volunteer for the additional study than those who had cleaned their hands(74% compared to 41%).
Follow-up studies also found a higher tolerance of other dubious acts, including cheating, following any actions that led to people feeling cleaner. The more that an individual feels that their physical slate is clean, the more space they have to accommodate for things that feel morally dirty.
6. Posture and Confidence
Q: How can our physical space be utilised to feel more confident or powerful?
If you want to feel more confident, try power posing. For example, stand over a table with both of your hands pressed down for one minute. Or lean back in a chair with your legs up and hands back behind your head. Both poses can increase testosterone, leading to greater feelings of power, confidence and assertiveness.
Be careful of how you hold yourself in your space too. For example, arms crossed, shoulders hunched, or head lowered indicate less confidence or friendliness, whereas standing up straight with an open posture and appropriate eye contact often represents someone who is welcoming and comfortable in their own space.
7. Physical Space and Creativity
Q: What are some easy ways to become more creative?
Get a box, and put it next to you while you are brainstorming ideas. It will help you think more abstractly by “thinking outside the box” on a physical level.
Do everything with your opposite hand. You will pay more attention, and it will make you think about things differently.
Engage in your morning routine backwards.
Get out into nature, or look at a picture of nature.
Keep a cluttered or semi-cluttered desk. An environment that is too clean stifles creativity.
Work in an environment of approximately 70 decibels. A local coffee shop is generally about this volume, so some writers prefer to do their work there (I previously thought they just wanted to look trendy).
If you want to come up with opposing ideas, or reasons why you shouldn’t do something, place the left hand up high in the air, and say “on the one hand…”, then raise the right hand and lower the left hand and say “then on the other.” It may seem silly, but doing this helps us to think of more opposing points.
How does it work?
Physical intelligence, or embodied cognition, is about how metaphors and abstract concepts are grounded in and related to our physical experiences. We first learn how to interact with our world on a non-verbal, physical and sensory level before we understand the verbal level of language and metaphor. Language skills, therefore, build upon and utilise our previous sensory and physical experiences. It is why the same brain areas light up in neuroimaging studies when we see the sentence “I had a rough day” as when we are touching a rough object. However, a different and unrelated area will light up when we see the sentence “I had a bad day”, even though bad and rough have similar meanings.
Although some metaphors might now seem outdated, if they are things that most people had learned at some point when they were younger, they can be used to our advantage, depending on what we want to achieve.
Whether you want to be warmer, more trustworthy, flexible, powerful, confident or creative, you can utilise your physical intelligence to change your feelings, perceptions, and behaviours. You can also influence how others perceive and react to you.
Sometimes in life, we come across people who defy our natural belief systems about how people “should be”. For example, while we assume that most people follow the golden rule of “treat others the way you would like to be treated”, some individuals are not guided by this principle and regularly break this rule.
These people are “toxic” because their behaviours leave a trail of destruction behind them wherever they go. The damage is usually in the form of other people who are left feeling distressed, confused, isolated, trapped, depressed, angry, afraid, guilty, grieving, and potentially traumatised. And that’s not to mention the financial, social, occupational or legal consequences that can arise from an interaction, encounter or a relationship with a toxic person.
A toxic person has minimal concern for anyone apart from themselves, except for how others could help or hinder them from getting what they want, physically or emotionally. The three main ways that they will try to manipulate others into doing what they would like emotionally are through a sense of fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG).
Be careful if you notice that FOG is being used against you to try and get you to do something you don’t want to do. A loving person will encourage us to be the best that we can be. Instead, a toxic person will help us be what they need us to be, which may differ from what is actually in our best interests.
Worse still, toxic people will typically:
(a) not admit to having done anything wrong, even when presented with the facts,
(b) honestly believe that they haven’t done anything wrong or haven’t intended to do so, and instead blame you or someone else for how they felt or what they did, and
(c) try to convince others of their innocence, even if this involves stretching the truth or outright lying.
Unfortunately, many of the clients that I see have been affected by toxic people, including:
The boss. who dangles the promise of pay raises and promotions over their employees to motivate them to reach a goal, and then once employees meet that goal, the boss takes the deal off the table.
The boss, who forces his workers, often vulnerable immigrants on working visas, to work for less money than the minimum wage or to be on call and work overtime without any extra pay or time in lieu.
The alcoholic father. who verbally and physically beats his wife and children.
The competitive father, who is afraid of his children surpassing him and won’t give them any praise or actively minimise their accomplishments.
The narcissistic father, who views his children as an extension of himself and thus tries to live out his unfulfilled potential through them, often in regards to school, sports, and career.
The narcissistic mother who makes her children lie about their school grades or where they live, who they are or what they do so that she looks better to her friends and family.
The self-centred mother, who is afraid her children no longer need her and therefore does whatever she can to prevent them from becoming independent. It might be doing all of the chores for them, nitpicking and criticising their choices in jobs, partners and anything else that could reduce the amount of influence or power that she has over them.
The abusive mother, who locks her children away in a room by themselves and beats or neglects them further whenever they do not comply with her wishes.
The cheating girlfriend, who compulsively lies about her behaviour and then is jealous of their partner talking to a girl and questions their fidelity and faithfulness.
The hypocritical boyfriend who disappears for days on end on drug binges and then calls and messages his partner every five minutes when he knows she is out having fun with her friends.
The ex-partner, who earns a lot of money and still refuses to pay any child support or see the children so that they can get back at or hurt the other parent for leaving them.
The self-centred friend, who consistently demands assistance with the ongoing crises they have in their life, is nowhere to be seen when their friends need support.
I have seen or heard about these individuals across my life, and there are many more toxic people. Some of them are even more severe. It is disheartening to think that people out there can commit such horrible acts regularly without ever questioning their behaviour or feeling guilt.
Even though I have a better rational understanding of why this behaviour occurs by studying Psychology for the past 11 years, it still doesn’t make sense emotionally. I don’t get how someone can hurt the people they “say that they love” when their behaviours are precisely the opposite.
The reasons why someone might treat others in a harmful way include:
They are psychologically very unwell and need psychological treatment or medication. Consisting of the Axis I disorders, this includes severe Major Depressive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety Disorders, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse Disorders, Bipolar Disorder, or Schizophrenia. Although these individuals can engage in toxic behaviours, if the symptoms of the psychological disorder are successfully managed or treated, the harmful behaviour is likely to improve significantly.
They have a personality disorder and could improve their symptoms with appropriate treatment and management. Consisting of Axis II disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder (PD), Obsessive-Compulsive PD, Antisocial PD, Avoidant PD, Dependent PD, Histrionic PD and Narcissistic PD. Research suggests that some of the symptoms of personality disorders can be managed through treatment, such as Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) for Borderline PD. However, personality disorders are generally lifelong conditions that impact individuals across several different areas of their functioning, including interpersonal effectiveness skills. Therefore the likelihood of toxic behaviour increases, especially with Narcissistic and Antisocial PDs.
They are a Psychopath or Deviant and are therefore unlikely to change, even with treatment. Sometimes known as ‘The Dark Triad’, Machiavellians, Narcissists and Psychopaths all share the common trait of lacking empathy for their victims or anyone they take advantage of to get what they want. There is little evidence that treatment is ever successful with Psychopaths and people who are Sexual Deviants (e.g. serial offending Pedophiles). Sometimes, the best thing that society can do is lock up these individuals in a maximum-security prison to minimise the harm they can inflict upon others. However, Narcissists and Machiavellians (who believe the ends justify the means) are unlikely to be arrested or incarcerated for their behaviours. Therefore, they are most likely to be the toxic people that inflict the most damage on others without any remorse for what they do.
How to Successfully Manage Toxic People
The following information borrows heavily from the non-PD toolbox at the website Out of the FOG. It is a website that I recommend for client’s when they are living with or having to deal with someone who is consistently acting in a toxic way towards them.
What NOT to do when dealing with toxic people:
Abuse Amnesia — Do not try to forget or suppress previous episodes of abuse or boundary violations that the toxic person has perpetrated.
Amateur Diagnosis — If you believe that the toxic person has a psychiatric diagnosis or personality disorder, do not share this information, hoping that this will improve the situation or the relationship.
Avoidance — Do not withdraw from other relationships to reduce their risk of exposure to the toxic person and the potential criticism and rejection that comes with this. Avoiding other people will only further isolate you from your support and positive relationships, which you will need if you regularly deal with a toxic person.
Circular Conversations — Do not engage in repetitive, cyclical arguments with toxic people who endlessly cover the same issues without resolution. You are unlikely to get a different solution using the same strategy that hasn’t worked in the past.
Denial — Do not try to deny that a toxic person is engaging in certain behaviours or that these behaviours are not having severe adverse consequences if they are. It will still be damaging you even if you are typically resilient. It is essential to accept what is happening and how you feel to be more likely to do something about it.
Enabling — Do not try to absorb the abusive behaviour of the toxic person without challenging it or consistently enforcing personal boundaries. It will only “enable” them to continue the behaviour without any fear of repercussions.
Fix-It Syndrome — Do not try to take responsibility or compensate for the toxic person’s behaviours. Do not try to clean up their messes or fix the problems created by their actions. They need to be responsible for what they do if they are to learn from it.
Fleas — Do not try to imitate or emulate the toxic person’s behaviour or stoop to their level. It is tempting, but it is much better to act consistently with your values than “catch fleas” and act in a toxic way too. You will not have as much practice as them in doing what they do and will often get criticised by the toxic person for being the one with all of the problems if you try.
Lack of Boundaries — Do not allow the toxic person to break the guidelines and limits for acceptable behaviour that you have set. They must be made clear and consistently reinforced, or the toxic person will usually keep pushing and escalating the situation until they get what they want from you without changing their behaviour.
Imposed Isolation — Do not allow yourself to become isolated and cut off from your family, friends, and other supports, even if the toxic person is trying to intimidate you or coerce you into doing this.
JADE — Do not try to justify, argue, defend or explain or it is likely to end in a circular conversation.
Learned Helplessness — Do not believe that you have no control over a situation. A toxic person will sometimes want you to think this. Still, options and supports are always available if you wish to leave a relationship involving a toxic person.
Obedience — Do not blindly follow what you are being told to do by a toxic person because you think it will lead to less confrontation. Decide if what they are asking from you is really in your best long-term interests. Then, delay answering straight away so that you can have the time and space to think about it properly.
Rescuer Syndrome — Do not try to rescue the toxic person or compensate for their behavioural issues. The toxic person will only change when they are ready to, with qualified professionals’ additional assistance.
Self-Doubt — Although it is difficult, try not to let what the toxic person says impact how you see yourself, your mental health or your moral compass. Instead, believe in yourself, seek support, and query other friends or family about any doubts you have.
Although many people have tried these strategies, they are usually less effective than the recommended strategies.
What TO DO when dealing with toxic people:
The 3 “C’s” Rule — Do repeat this mantra when thinking about the toxic person and their behaviours: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it.”
The 51% Rule — Do consider your own needs just a little more than the toxic person (at least 51%) if you would like to help them effectively.
The 50% Rule — Do realise that any relationship is about the dynamic between two people. Therefore, focusing on your part in the relationship (the 50% of the relationship you are responsible for) can positively change the overall dynamic. Much more than focusing on what the toxic person does. What they do is the 50% that is out of your control and not your responsibility.
Boundaries — Set clear and consistent guidelines and limits for acceptable behaviour with toxic people. Let them know how you will respond if they cross these boundaries and consistently reinforce these consequences when they do so.
Clean Up Rule — Do allow the toxic person to clean up their messes and deal with the external consequences of their actions. You are only responsible for cleaning up your messes, not theirs.
Emotional Intelligence — Do work on effectively understanding, recognising and regulating your own emotions, and develop empathy and social skills in dealing with the toxic person’s feelings without fixing their problems for them.
Get Support — Do find supportive people who are likely to empathise with you and understand what you are going through. If they understand mental illness, personality disorders and toxic people, it will be more likely that they will give you the support you need.
Journaling — Do write down whatever you are thinking and feeling about the toxic person and your relationship or troubles with them. If you can do this without censoring yourself, taking a break or worrying about what you are writing, then it can be even more therapeutic. If you can keep this in a safe place, do so, otherwise delete it or dispose of it in a way that is unlikely to be seen by the toxic person.
Make Good Choices — Do devote your energy focusing on what is under your control and the steps you can take. It can reduce stress a lot.
Medium Chill — Try to disengage through distraction, relaxation, meditation, and other arousal-reducing strategies if direct contact with the toxic person or their behaviours is unavoidable.
My Stuff/Their Stuff — Do clearly define and remind yourself what is your concern (“my stuff”) and what is the toxic person’s concern (“their stuff”), regardless of what they say to you.
No Contact — Do think about going “No Contact” and cutting off all forms of correspondence and contact with a toxic person if they are consistently not respecting your boundaries and consequences. No one deserves abuse, and this cannot take place if there is no contact or communication.
Personal Safety — Do keep a list of actions that you can follow to prevent situations from escalating into verbal, emotional or physical abuse. It will help if you put this in place as soon as any form of violence happens. First, try to stop the conversation, secondly, try to leave the room or the area, and thirdly call the police.
Put Children First — Do make decisions based on what is in the best interests of the children. Their needs and especially their safety and protection from abuse must come first.
Therapy — Do seek help if you are struggling to protect yourself or emotionally detach from the toxic people in your life. Therapy can also help if you want to learn more about yourself or build up other skills and capacities in your life (assertiveness, self-esteem, compassion etc.).
Work on Yourself — Do allocate time, energy and focus for yourself so that you can restore a good sense of balance with work, leisure, personal growth and socialising regardless of what the toxic person does.
If you are interested in reading more about this, I recommend checking out the Out of the FOG website. The book ‘Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You’ by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier is also helpful.
Before the industrial revolution, humans lived in small groups that they were born into and had minimal interaction outside these groups for the duration of their lives.
Because humans were not great at surviving in the wild, we used our frontal lobes, communication skills and opposable thumbs to work together to build villages and castles that helped protect us from the outside elements, predators and other groups.
Humans realised that we were safer, more secure, and less vulnerable by bonding and working together. But for the group to work, specific rules or social mores needed to be created and followed. Everyone had to contribute or play their role if they wanted to benefit from the increased resources and protection that the group provided.
People who didn’t do their bit were at risk of being kicked out of the group, where they would have to fend for themselves or face the world on their own. Isolation typically led to an early and untimely death at the hands of dehydration, starvation, extreme weather, predatory animals or other humans.
Based on the above story, it makes sense why evolution favoured fitting in and getting along with others over being authentic to ourselves. A potentially hefty price to pay, especially if you were very different from what the group wanted you to be, but worth it if it was a matter of life or death.
Fast forward to the 21st century
We suddenly live in a much more mobile world, where it is possible to meet and interact with more people in a single afternoon than our ancestors may have encountered in their entire lifetime.
Groups and social hierarchies still exist and are much more complicated than ever in many ways. However, they are also more fluid. People can now change their position in the hierarchy or even leave their group entirely or move to another country and start over again if they don’t get the benefits they would like.
Being excluded from groups or rejected by others is generally no longer a matter of life or death, especially once we become adults. So why does it still feel that way?
Since the industrial revolution, technology and society have changed so rapidly in the modern and post-modern world compared to how things were in the past that it has been impossible for evolution to keep up. For example, the amount of information in the world used to double about every century. Some now say it is every thirteen months, and IBM said it could one day be as quick as every 12 hours. We are, therefore, still genetically programmed to fit in rather than be our authentic selves, even when it isn’t in our best long-term interests.
We obey authority, even when it means causing harm to an innocent other (the infamous Stanley Milgram experiment):
We take on the roles that are given to us and can become cruel in the process (the infamous Robert Zimbardo prison experiment):
We also conform to everyone else’s opinions in the group, even when it is reasonably apparent that they are all wrong.
The Pressure to Conform
In the 1950s, Solomon Asch did a series of experiments looking at the power of social conformity. He brought male participants into the lab and asked them to be part of “a simple perceptual experiment”. Asch first instructed the participants to look at a series of three different sized straight black lines on a card — a short line (A), a long line (B), and a medium-length line (C).
He then randomly presented one of these three lines on cards for 18 trials and asked the participant and seven other individuals the line they saw — A, B or C.
Unbeknownst to the participant, the other seven individuals in the room who responded before him were confederates or actors in the experiment. For the first two trials, the confederates all gave the correct answer, as would the participant, but on the third trial, and 11 out of the subsequent 15 attempts, the confederates all gave the same incorrect answer.
How the participant answered on these incorrect trials indicated the influence of social conformity. Disturbingly, up to 75% of participants gave the same incorrect answer on at least one trial, with the majority experiencing a distortion of judgment over time, where they assumed that their perception must be wrong and the majority’s perception right. There was a sharp contrast to the results in the control group, where there was no pressure to conform, and the error rate was less than 1%, indicating that it was easy to determine which line was which.
Even with easy decisions, it is possible to begin to doubt ourselves quickly if what we believe goes against the opinions of the majority. We may also start to question our perceptions and experiences. It’s, therefore, no wonder that so many people give up on what they may individually know or believe in so that they can fit in with the group. It doesn’t make it right, however. If who we are or what we think is different to the majority, what is the best thing to do?
The Possible Solutions
#1 — Be true to yourself, never be afraid to say anything and always stand up for what you believe.
While this may seem like the obvious solution, it does appear to be too idealistic and too simplistic. Speaking up, especially to the wrong type of authority figure (boss, teacher, parent, government official), puts us at risk of being punished or ostracised from the group each time we do it. Fortunately, we have the right to protest and say most things that we want to here in Australia, but each group still has its rules and social mores, and not following them can lead to exclusion and isolation. Sometimes speaking up is preferable, but it always comes with considerable risk and potentially significant consequences or emotional pain. What is important is that we try to reflect on things when we have time and try to make up our minds on the issues we care about. By doing this, we can hopefully remain secure and sure about what we believe in and share our opinions in safe settings.
#2 — Don’t worry about the group and live the life that makes you happy by yourself.
As long as we have a place to live and an income for food, water and leisure activities, we might be able to get by okay with shutting most people out. Some people take this path after they have gone through significant traumatic events, especially in the context of relationships. Maybe the pain of the social exclusion would lessen if it was self-imposed too, and some jobs require very little interaction with others.
In reality, though, we are social creatures, and being so isolated from others would likely take its toll over time. It’s why solitary confinement is used as a form of punishment and as a deterrent in prisons. There is also endless amounts of research out there showing the beneficial aspects of social support for optimal physical and emotional health, especially after a traumatic physical or psychological event. Being around people that we share our world with and who care about us is required on some level.
#3 — Find the right group where you can be as close to your authentic self as possible and are not only accepted by the group but loved and appreciated for this.
The beauty of our flexible society and the world these days is that we can move if needed, change jobs, let go of old friends and partners if they are not suitable for us, and seek out new ones that are a better fit. But what should we look for in our friends? How do we know if the group is right for us? How do we figure out if it is likely to positively impact our physical and emotional well-being in the long run?
In her book ‘Four Ways to Click: Rewire Your Brain for Stronger, More Rewarding Relationships’, Amy Banks suggests seeking out people who CARE. With these individuals, you feel:
C — calm. You feel safe and secure being around them, sharing yourself with them and opening up to them.
A — accepted. You feel like they accept you for who you are, and you feel the same way with them. You may not always agree with everything that the other person does, but you still appreciate them for who they are.
R — resonant. You get each other. You can see how the other person thinks and feels and can accurately reflect that back to them. You feel that you connect, click and are on the same wavelength.
E — energised. You feel energetic, motivated and maybe even inspired around each other. It is the opposite of a draining relationship.
If you currently don’t feel calm, accepted, resonant or energised with anyone, I highly recommend reading the book, as it suggests some strategies to help rewire your brain to make these types of relationships possible in time.
Otto Rank, a one-time disciple of Freud, believed that “life is an ongoing struggle between the desire for autonomy and union”. Both are important, and how much you choose to give up one for the other needs to be considered and determined at various points throughout our lives.
Although some sacrifices do seem necessary, I’d like to hope that we are much closer to being able to have the capacity to be both our authentic selves and to connect with others truly. Of course, we first need to know ourselves. We then need to seek out the right people and groups to spend time with.
I was on holiday in Queenstown, New Zealand, back in 2016 and was amazed at how beautiful the scenery was. I was also amazed by how many experiences were on offer for people visiting or living there.
On my first day in Queenstown, I walked into the town. I immediately saw brochures for the speedboats, canyon swings, skydiving, mountain biking, snowboarding and heli-skiing in several shop windows.
I began hiking up a mountain, and suddenly someone whirred by me through the trees on a zip line travelling at 70km/h. It looked scary but also exhilarating.
Further up the hill, I came across a luge track where families and friends were roaring down the mountain in their carts, smiling and laughing and generally having a great time while taking in the breathtaking views. I saw people bungee jumping from a platform off the side of the mountain, and just above that were people paragliding down to the valley floor.
I don’t recall seeing many unhappy faces that day. On the contrary, most people were fully engaged by others or what they were doing. Engagement is crucial for optimal well-being.
However, apart from hiking and taking in the scenery, these activities did come at a considerable cost. The several days of skiing that I did afterwards at the surrounding Alpine Resorts were no exception.
If I had taken more money with me on that trip to New Zealand, I would have been able to experience a more extensive array of potentially fun activities. Furthermore, as long as I enjoyed these activities, I believe they would have contributed to a higher level of happiness.
Can money ever buy us happiness?
Anyone who says that money can’t buy us happiness is looking at it too simplistically. I’ve seen too many financially stressed clients know that a significant gift of money would be a massive assistance in their time of need. It would reduce their stress and hopefully increase their level of financial security, happiness and overall well-being. Right?
Looking at past lottery winners, we can see that winning a large sum of money does increase short-term happiness. However, 12 months later, the lottery winner has typically returned to their pre-win levels of joy and sometimes feels even worse.
Furthermore, even people who have up to 10 million dollars of net worth often don’t feel financially secure and still believe that if they had more money, they would feel more confident, happier, and more able to buy everything they wanted.
It seems that it almost doesn’t matter how much money we have. As a result, most people will continue to feel financially insecure and typically strive to make more money than they have currently. But is this the best way?
Another fascinating study found that beyond a certain amount of money (approximately $70,000 annually), an increase in salary does not typically lead to greater overall emotional or physical well-being. On the other hand, it seems that we do need to have enough money to look after our fundamental needs (food, shelter, water, safety etc.) and have a little bit of leisure or fun. However, making more money doesn’t seem to hold the answer to happiness, especially if we spend it in the ways that most people do.
Why does more money not equal more happiness?
I believe that the traps of Materialism and Capitalism are to blame, especially in Western culture. We think that working hard, making lots of money, and buying lots of stuff is the secret to happiness and success. This equation is just a myth, however, and it is required for consumerism to flourish. Consumerism prioritises short-term and societal growth above individual functioning or what is best over a long-term basis. It drives us to believe that we need the stuff to be happy, and this is often at the expense of things we need in our lives to flourish.
So what can we do about it?
In the excellent book “Stuffocation” by James Wallman, he makes the case that most people in Western society have too much stuff due to their consumer lifestyle. It is complicating our lives and stressing us out. This stress is now offsetting any of the benefits that come from the stuff that we buy. So should we throw everything out?
Wallman does explore Minimalism as a possible solution to our Stuffocation. However, he doesn’t believe that Minimalism is the antidote because it is purely defined by what materialism isn’t. True freedom can only come from doing what is suitable for us, not doing the opposite of what is wrong. Minimalism is too confining.
We could all just quit our jobs too, and stop making money, but the financial debt would catch up to us pretty quickly unless we somehow learned to become entirely self-sufficient and live off the land. Some people and communities can do this, but it’s not for everyone.
Working less may help. Sweden has recently led the way with this by shortening their workdays down to 6 hours. Many people complain about being time-poor, and reducing how much time we spend at work would increase the amount of time available for people to use in whichever way they find most meaningful. It could be time with family, friends, engaging in exercise or hobbies, or taking some time to reflect and relax. We could cut down through improving productivity or efficiency (books like the ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen Covey or ‘Getting Things Done’ by David Allen could help) or cut down our commitments. Our productivity declines if we work more than 9 hours per day or more than 48 hours per week, so this should be a helpful guide for the maximum hours to work for optimal happiness.
Once you have the extra time, it’s still about making sure that you spend your money in ways that will give you the biggest bang for your buck.
How to spend money in ways that can increase happiness
(1) buy more experiences rather than material objects — Wallman believes that Experientialism is the antidote to Materialism and Consumerism. We need to invest money in experiences and not in stuff. We need to be able to engage in these experiences. They also need to be accessible and affordable to have a significant impact on our overall well-being. If you have to invest in stuff, buy stuff that will make life easier for you to have more of the experiences you would like and less of the experiences that you don’t.
(2) make sure that you are buying things for the right reason — A car or even a ride-on lawnmower can be a way to make things easier or to have an enjoyable experience, or it can just be more stuff. We need to determine why we want to buy something, and if it is about impressing others (showing our status) rather than for our enjoyment, it probably won’t lead to long-lasting happiness.
(3) buy more frequent and smaller pleasures, rather than less frequent and larger ones — People are relatively insensitive to the price of an object. If we buy less expensive things, we get a similar pay-off or reward (in happiness terms) for a much smaller cost. The less expensive stuff we buy, the less we need to work and save, and the less credit card debt we’ll have. With the Australian Securities and Investment Commission stating that Australians owe nearly $32 billion in credit card debt, or over $4,300 each, this is advice that a lot of us could take on.
(4) avoid credit card debt and overpriced insurance — Have you ever noticed that all of the tall buildings in cities tend to belong to either banks or insurance companies. There is a reason for this. They prey on our cognitive biases and utilise effective marketing strategies to get us to buy things now and pay them later. The average Australian pays over $725 of interest annually on the $4,300 they owe on their credit card at an interest rate between 15 and 20%. Suppose we pay only the minimum repayments, whether a credit card or a home loan. It will take a long time to pay it off and cost you a lot more money in interest. So spending more to reduce our interest or getting a debit card rather than a credit card will help us to not waste money for nothing in return except for immediate gratification. With extended warranties and no excess insurance, we will have to pay a premium for “peace of mind”, so it’s essential to work out if that peace is worth the extra cost for you. Insurance works like the lottery — we always think, “what if it happened to me?” and forget about the actual probability of these events occurring.
(5) delay gratification by booking ahead — With more expensive experiences, the longer we can plan these, the better it is for us. Not only do we get the experience, but also the anticipation and excitement leading up to it. So the next time you want to be spontaneous and book a concert ticket or holiday, book it for six months in advance and thank me for the increased happiness later.
(6) use your money to give to or help others — There was a study where they gave individuals $20. Half of them spent it on themselves, and the other half gave it away to someone else. They then tracked the happiness of these groups over some time. Whilst the happiness levels were similar between the two groups immediately after the event, the group who gave the money away were significantly higher only two weeks later. So giving to others does make a difference, both to them as well as to you. It is a lovely message to keep in mind with Christmas around the corner.
If you are interested in other ways to increase happiness through spending, please check out the fascinating article titled ‘If Money Doesn’t Make You Happy Then You Probably Aren’t Spending It Right’ by Elizabeth Dunn, Daniel Gilbert and Timothy Wilson.
One of the saddest things I see time and time again in my work as a Clinical Psychologist is partners who both love each other and try their best to show this to each other, yet neither of them feels loved and appreciated.
The same thing also happens frequently within families, either between parents and their children or between siblings.
In the excellent book, ‘Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well’ by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, they highlight nicely why this often occurs:
Firstly, we are aware of our thoughts, feelings and intentions behind whatever actions we do. The other person is not. All they can see is what we say, how we say it, and our behaviour or body language. Our body language influences approximately 55% of how others interpret what we say to them, with 38% being how we say it and only 7% what we say (Mehrabian,1971). Worse still, these non-verbal cues are generally out of our awareness, meaning we don’t see what they see either.
Secondly, no matter how precisely we choose our words or actions, we cannot fully control how our message will be taken in and interpreted by the other person. Someone understands what we say based on their past experiences, core beliefs about others or our role (partner, sibling, parent or child), and their expectations and assumptions of what we are like or how we should be. Therefore, it creates biases before we have even opened our mouths and affects how they are impacted by what we do and say.
Lastly, suppose we make a mistake or an error or upset someone. In that case, we will usually attribute it to the context or situational factors rather than seeing it as something to do with our character (e.g. “I didn’t wash the dishes because I was running late for work”). Conversely, When others make a mistake or upset us, we often attribute it to a personality characteristic or an unchangeable flaw (e.g. “you didn’t wash the dishes because you are lazy and disrespectful”). What happens next is that we usually criticise their character, which they rightly become defensive over, and they try to explain the context, which we tell them is just an excuse. When the other person criticises our character, the opposite happens, and we wonder how they can be so cruel and unforgiving (making other judgments about their character and personality). It’s no wonder that relationships are so tricky!
What can we do?
1. Develop Active Listening Skills
Rather than assume the intent of others based on how they made us feel, it is much better to try and understand their perspective first and show this understanding through the skills of active listening, including:
clarifying: asking for more information on what they were talking about
“what did you mean by…?”,
“Can you elaborate further on …?”
paraphrasing: repeating back what was said to you in another way
them: “it’s like 100 degrees outside!”
you: “it’s so hot!”
reflecting: showing that you understand how they felt
them: “I had nothing to do all weekend!”
you: “you must have been bored!”
summarising: especially if someone has been speaking for a few minutes on a topic
them: multiple stories about the various things that have gone wrong for them recently
you: “sounds like you’ve had a rough week!”
Some people will get annoyed if you don’t fully understand them or what they are feeling at the moment. Still, even this is an excellent opportunity to learn more about the other person and to get better attuned with how they think and feel from now on. Most people will appreciate the effort.
2. Follow the Three Principles of Humanistic Psychology
Carl Rogers was a Humanistic Psychologist who believed that only three elements were essential for promoting growth and well-being in others. These were:
Unconditional Positive Regard: No matter what the other person does or doesn’t do, it is essential to separate the person from their actions and continue to see the person positively. As a parent or a partner, it is more than okay not to accept or tolerate certain behaviours, but we need to show that we are unhappy with the behaviour rather than who they are. If it is someone that we love, our love for them should not diminish, because we can still see that they are a good person who sometimes does the wrong thing. If they can feel this, it will help them learn right from wrong going forward, rather than feeling like they have to be a certain way to be loved.
Empathic Attunement: It is essential to see the world in the way the other person does and understand how they view the particular situation and feel about it. If we can show this to them in a way that they feel it, they will know that we get it and will develop greater trust in opening up to us about other things as we advance. They will also feel less alone and isolated and be more responsive if we suggest potential ways to help them out of a predicament. Without understanding first, any advice you give usually falls flat and is not taken on at best or is seen as uncaring and interfering at worst.
Congruency: It is essential to ensure that what we are expressing is consistent with how we feel (in a way appropriate to the other person or audience). A parent who is upset at something that has happened in their life may not want to burden a child with their problems. However, it is still better to say, “Mummy is a little upset, but she is going to be okay” rather than “nothing, everything is fine” when a child asks, “what’s wrong mummy?” because they have accurately picked up on how you are feeling. Telling them something that is not congruent with how you feel will only confuse them and potentially make them doubt how their perception is going forward. The more congruent we are, the more trustworthy we are to others, and the less they have to worry about resentment building up or you keeping things from them.
3. Practice Effective Communication
As part of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), Marsha Linehan teaches interpersonal effectiveness skills. She says that if we want to get an objective met when communicating, try the following four steps:
D — Describe the situation, and stick to facts, not judgments
(e.g.” When you are 30 minutes late”, not “When you are rude and don’t care!”).
E — Explain how you feel
(Emotions — e.g. “I feel hurt and upset!”. Not opinions — e.g. “I feel like you don’t care at all!”)
A — Ask for what you need or would prefer
(Behaviours — e.g. “I would prefer that if you are late next time that you either try to leave a bit earlier or text or call to let me know that you are running late”. Not feelings — e.g. “I would prefer if you cared about and loved me like you say you do”).
R — Reinforce the potential benefits to them, you and the relationship if they could do what you have asked
(e.g. “Then you won’t need to rush as much, you’ll be safer on the road getting here, I won’t worry as much, we won’t end up fighting, and we’ll be able to enjoy a great night out together!”).
You might be sceptical, but it really can work, and it does become more comfortable with practice.
4. Avoid the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse
John Gottman, the legendary relationship researcher, claims that he can successfully predict with a 91% accuracy which couples will get divorced in the future after observing them for only five minutes. He says that if you want to avoid a later break-up (the apocalypse), it is essential to prevent the following four things (the four horsemen) that can significantly erode the goodwill of a relationship over time. These are:
Criticism: While it is essential to be able to make a complaint about a specific behaviour in a relationship (e.g. “you left the toilet seat up again”), a criticism about who the person is will never be helpful (e.g. “you’re such a slob!”).
Contempt: This includes anything that communicates disgust, resentment or looking down upon the other. Contempt may be spoken through hostile humour such as sarcasm, cynicism or name-calling, or displayed through behaviours such as eye-rolling, sneering or mocking laughter with the head tilted back. Building a culture of mutual respect and appreciation is the antidote to this.
Defensiveness: This is usually in response to criticisms or contempt, and each partner then feels that they are right and the other is wrong, and the argument becomes about who will win. When each partner is trying to win an argument and blame the other, the relationship suffers in the end. It’s much better to take responsibility for your part and then work towards what will be best for both of you going forward.
Stonewalling: Eventually, after escalating conflict, one partner tries to tune out the other partner, disengaging from the communication or the relationship emotionally while remaining physically present. Stonewalling is done more by males than females and is a way to calm themselves down when feeling overwhelmed and flooded. The result on the other partner is escalating distress, much like a baby who is suddenly unable to interact with their mother in the Stillface Experiment:
Let your partner know that you are overwhelmed and need a 20-minute break. Then, tell them that you will be back and happy to continue the discussion once you feel calmer. Doing this is a much more effective way than just shutting off or shutting out the other person. It also leads to both of you feeling more in control and less distressed.
5. Find Out Their Primary and Secondary Love Languages
People often express their love to others in the way they would most want, rather than showing their love in how their partner, child, parent, or sibling would wish them to.
For example, many fathers will try to show their love to their children by working hard, making lots of money, and providing financial security and stability for their future. But, conversely, the child often wants to spend some time with their dad, play at the park, kick the football, or play video games together.
The most confusing scenario to me is males, who tend to be more visual than females, sending explicit pictures of themselves to a female they are pursuing. I think they do this because they would like to receive a graphic image from the female. However, they assume that the women would want the same. It is considered a crime if you do this in public without prior consent and not through a phone.
Meanwhile, females, usually more sentimental than males, may prefer some flowers or a lovely card with a thoughtful handwritten message. Still, men don’t understand this because it’s typically not something they would ever want to receive. Therefore they don’t see the point. Big mistake!
Understanding the five love languages, written about by Gary Chapman in various books, becomes very handy.
When trying to show someone that you care, the first step is to determine which love languages seem to mean the most to them. A questionnaire exists on the website http://www.5lovelanguages.com that you could ask the other person to complete if you are unsure what they value most and want to understand them better.
The next step is to disregard what you would want from them and do what you think will make them the happiest, based on their love language preferences:
Words of Affirmation:
DO: Give them compliments, encouraging words, written cards or letters
DON’T: Give them undue criticism or emotionally harsh words
Quality Time:
DO: Give them your undivided attention, have one-on-one conversations without interruptions, do things together, take trips together, sit and talk.
DON’T: Spend too much time with friends or groups (even if it’s together), neglect them or have long gaps of time between catch-ups and check-ins.
Gifts:
DO: Give gifts, give time, remember special occasions, give small tokens of appreciation or love — show that you have put in the effort or thought in choosing.
DON’T: Forget special events or anniversaries, or buy meaningless, generic or thoughtless gifts that show that you haven’t put in time or effort in choosing
Acts of Service:
DO: Assist with chores, make a checklist together, tick something off their to-do list, fix something, ask “How can I help?” or “What can I do?”
DON’T: Overcommit to tasks that you won’t be able to complete, forget to follow through on something you have promised to do, fail to help.
Physical Touch:
DO: Sit close, hug, touch
DON’T: Withhold affection or threaten to do so, neglect, physically hit or abuse
By loving those we love in the way they want to be loved, there is a much higher chance that we will feel loved and appreciated, and our relationships will likely improve. Seeing that relationship warmth is the number one predictor of long-term health and happiness, making small changes in how we listen to, talk to, and care for others could go a long way to improving the overall quality of our lives.
I recently read a book titled ‘Writing Screenplays that Sell’ by Michael Hauge and was fascinated to see how psychologically informed screenwriters create engaging stories with meaningful plots and entertaining characters.
Although Hollywood sometimes gets bad press for promoting materialistic and unrealistic goals for the audience, I do believe that we can learn some valuable life lessons from dissecting the common elements of screenplays that result in successful movies.
Here are eight insights that I believe are important:
#1 — Be the hero of your story
Every movie has a hero that we identify with and develop empathy for. Screenwriters do this deliberately because we are likely to care more about the story and become involved in the movie if it focuses on one character and their perspective and challenges more than the other characters.
In real life, the person whose perspective we can most tune into is ourselves, and we feel the emotional impact of our experiences whether we like it or not (even though many people try to tune these out). It, therefore, makes a lot of sense to ensure that we are the hero of our own life.
Unless you believe in reincarnation, we only have one life. Once we become adults, no one else is entirely responsible for our life’s direction except for us. We are the screenwriters, directors and the main character in our story — unless we give that power up to somebody else. It is a scary thought but also a potentially liberating one.
Although there are limitations to our abilities and dreams, and it is essential to have realistic expectations, I see too many people that put up roadblocks and barriers where they don’t need to be.
So if we are free to do what we want with our lives and responsible for how they turn out, what do we want to do? Live the life that someone else expects of us or follow our dreams and hopefully achieve our goals.
#2 — Challenge yourself if you would like to grow
Screenwriters are taught that a movie should start slowly and build pace as the film progresses by increasing the magnitude and difficulty of challenges that the hero faces until the film’s climax. A resolution is then typically achieved, and all of the loose ends are tied up before the movie concludes with the hero being a much better person than they were at the beginning of the film. It is from overcoming bigger and bigger adversity throughout the film that the hero develops and grows. Without challenges or difficulties to master, this growth and character development would be impossible, and people would find the movie dull.
In real life, I see a lot of clients who want a life free of challenges. They strive for a life of inner peace without stress or anxiety and believe that they can achieve this by consistently remaining in their comfort zone. So they do the same thing each day, don’t take any risks, and generally feel okay. A lot of them will tell you that something is missing, however.
We need to push beyond what feels comfortable to grow, and with this comes a certain amount of stress and anxiety. However, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing and can be a good indication that you are sufficiently challenging yourself so long as you are not feeling overwhelmed. Just remember to start small with tasks that feel a little scary but are also achievable, and as you build up confidence, move on to more significant challenges. As long as the challenges are consistent with changes that you would like to bring about in your life, you will feel more energetic and alive than you ever could by remaining in your comfort zone, even if you fail.
“The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.”
Rainer Maria Rilke
#3 — Conflict leads to more intense emotional experiences
Screenwriters learn to create conflict in every scene where possible, usually by having two characters with different views and objectives. Conflict creates emotional involvement far more than general exposition ever could, leading to a more engaged audience.
In real life, especially in relationships, this isn’t always a good thing. We might feel a more significant attraction or more intense emotional experience with someone who is opposed to us in what they want. I see it often when individuals who are anxiously attached (like being close to their partner and worry when they are apart) end up in relationships with avoidantly attached individuals (like their independence and feel trapped if they are too close). Each time it leads to an emotional rollercoaster ride, with lots of conflicts, big ups and downs, and greater emotional involvement. It keeps both parties occupied and interested but will do more harm than good in the end.
Finding someone who wants the same things that we do may be less exciting initially but can also lead to greater satisfaction and well-being in the long run. Be aware of the emotional trap, and use your head and heart when determining if a relationship is suitable for you.
#4 — Have clearly defined goals
All heroes will have the primary goal or external motivation that they will pursue throughout the film. Screenwriters want the audience to cheer on the hero as they strive towards their dream. For example, it may be to escape from or kill the bad guy in a horror movie. In a heist movie, it may be to steal the money and get away with it. In a romantic comedy, it is to win the affection of the love interest. A coming of age story is to learn something, and in a sports movie, it is to win.
In real life, it is essential to think of the big picture at times and ask yourself where you would like to be in 1, 2, 5, 10 and 20 years from now? How would you want to be spending your days? Whether owning a business, buying a house, getting married, having children or running a marathon, these external, observable goals help keep us motivated and focused on our destination or where we would like to see ourselves in the future. Once these goals have been achieved, you can tick them off the list. It then becomes vital to elicit and develop further plans to pursue.
“Believe big. The size of your success is determined by the size of your belief. Think little goals and expect little achievements. Think big goals and win big success. Remember this too! Big ideas and big plans and often easier — certainly no more difficult — than small ideas and small plans.”
David Schwartz
#5 — Understand why you want to achieve these goals — clarify your values
The movie may not explicitly state it, but a hero will still have an internal motivation or reason for pursuing a dream. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be worth overcoming all of the obstacles they face to achieve the movie’s end goal.
Two people may want to buy a house or run a marathon, but their reasons for doing so could be completely different. For example, one home buyer may wish for security and a place to call home, whereas the other wants to make their parents and family proud of them (to gain love, approval or acceptance). Likewise, one marathon runner may decide to enter the race to become healthier and lose weight. In contrast, another may do it to spend more time with their friend or partner that loves running (for greater connection or intimacy).
Values, unlike goals, can never be ticked off the list but are guiding principles that can either be followed or not from moment to moment. For example, if honesty is an essential value to you, you can be honest whenever you tell the truth and dishonest whenever you lie. By living honestly, you will be feeling more fulfilled, and by being dishonest, you will likely feel dissatisfied or guilty. So firstly, clarify which values are most important to you, and then set short, medium and long-term goals that are consistent with the guiding principles you choose.
“To be truly rich, regardless of his fortune or lack of it, a man must live by his own values. If those values are not personally meaningful, then no amount of money gained can hide the emptiness of life without them.”
John Paul Getty
#6 — Have mentors that can help you to achieve your goals
Screenwriters call these characters reflections, and they are there to help the hero learn and grow along with their journey towards their ultimate goal. This is Robin Williams to Matt Damon in ‘Good Will Hunting’, Mr Miyagi to Daniel-son in ‘The Karate Kid’, and Morgan Freeman in most movies (‘The Shawshank Redemption’, ‘Bruce Almighty’, ‘The Dark Knight’). Mentors usually don’t have a significant character arc because they are already evolved in areas where the hero wants to improve. However, they know what the right thing is and help guide the hero on their path.
In real life, it is essential to have mentors or people that have done what you would like to do that you can turn to for help when you get stuck, have questions, or need advice. By seeking support through individuals who are more knowledgeable and experienced in the areas you are hoping to build skills, it is possible to learn from their insights and mistakes without repeating them yourself, leading to a more effective learning and growth process. Furthermore, if they can be honest and direct in their feedback of your strengths and weaknesses, they can also help you see the real you and guide you towards what is correct and genuine, even if you don’t exactly want to hear it. Mentors can be friends or relatives or can even be paid for or hired too. It is why people have psychologists, personal trainers and life coaches. It is also why I obtain regular external supervision to keep improving towards becoming the best psychologist that I can be.
“The way for you to be happy and successful, to get more of the things you really want in life, is to study and emulate those who have already done what you want to do and achieved the results you want to achieve.”
Brian Tracy
#7 — It is our actions that define who we become
In his book ‘Story’, Robert McKee, a famous screenwriter, says that the hero’s character is genuinely revealed not in the scenes when everything is relaxed and calm, but in their choices when the going gets tough. The greater the pressure, the more revealing the scene is of the hero’s essential nature. Notice it is not their intentions or things they may speak about doing earlier in the film, but what they do when it really counts.
How will you react in the most significant moments in your life? With courage and persistence despite fear or challenge, or with avoidance, excuses or procrastination? With compassion, generosity and respect, or criticalness, selfishness and contempt? Will you talk about all of the great things you want to do or the things that you could have been, or focus on what you can still do and get out there and do it? It doesn’t just have to be big moments either.
“Don’t wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great”
I think of Kaizen as ‘continuous improvement’ or “continual change for the better, one small step at a time”, as this is how I first heard of the term.
Many successful Japanese manufacturing companies in automobiles and technology have used this exact approach to obtain massive success over time.
What could you achieve if you just focused on taking one small step in the right direction today and then another one every day after that?
2. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE…
Gandhi did not say, “Be the change you want to see in the world,” even though people attribute this quote to him. What he said was this:
“We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.”
Mahatma Gandhi
3. BE HERE NOW
If we are fully present in the moment and aware of what is going on both internally and externally, we choose what we decide to do.
If you do not feel present, meditate, ground yourself, get outside, move and connect with your five senses in the moment and the world around you.
“Awareness is all about restoring your freedom to choose what you want instead of what your past imposes on you.”
Deepak Chopra
4. CHOICES DEFINE YOUR LEGACY
It is a lengthy process of choices becoming actions, actions becoming habits, and your habits informing your character and ultimate legacy. A Mr Wiseman first said a quote like this in 1856. It tells us that whatever we sow, we must later reap.
Therefore, it is essential to engage in positive actions before what we do becomes habitual. Gambling, smoking and binge drinking all start as choices. But the more engrained something is, the harder it is to stop. If we choose to engage in healthy activities enough, they too can become automatic for us.
“Neurons that fire together, wire together.”
Donald Hebb
5. LIFE WASN’T MEANT TO BE EASY
We often don’t appreciate things that fall into our lap, and we tend to value things much more when we put in some hard work to get them. Even people who build their own IKEA furniture think these items are worth more than those who do not.
I know I’d be more proud of the $3 million I built up through hard work than the equivalent amount of money won through a lottery. How about you?
“Anything in life worth having is worth working for.”
Andrew Carnegie
6. THE MAGIC HAPPENS OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE
“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”
Brian Tracy
So many people want a comfortable life and therefore stick to what feels safe. But, unfortunately, if you are not willing to feel uncomfortable, your life will only get smaller over time.
When you first step out of your comfort zone, it will be scary; you will feel awkward and even feel unsafe. But is it really, or does it just feel threatening because it is new? If at this moment, you run back to what you are used to, you won’t grow. However, if you persist through the initial pain, it will only get more comfortable in time, and your comfort zone will continue to expand and grow.
7. RETHINK WHAT IT MEANS TO BE FREE
What does freedom mean to you?
You are doing whatever your parents, school, bosses, or government wants you to do? UMM NO. That is called compliance.
You are rebelling against everything and doing the exact opposite of what your parents, school, bosses and government tell you to do? STILL NO. That is called counterpliance. Your actions are still being defined by what others tell you to do. Plus, it doesn’t always work out too well for you.
You are just living for the moment and indulging in all of your passions and pleasures whenever you want because YOLO, right? NOPE. Hedonism may feel great for a night but not for a lifetime. It can also have nasty side effects if you aren’t careful, including weight gain, disease, debt, dissatisfaction, and even death.
True freedom must come from making the choice that is likely to be the best for you in the long term, even if it denies you that last alcoholic drink or dessert or the fun that happens after 2 am. You might want the added snooze time in the mornings, but If you can’t get yourself to do things that are difficult or painful in the short term but beneficial in the long run, you can never honestly be free in the future. As a former NAVY SEAL famously said:
“Discipline equals freedom.”
Jocko Willink
8. GETTING STARTED IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST PART
“The secret of getting ahead is getting started”
Mark Twain
In a book that I once read (the Willpower Instinct, I think), I came across a 10-minute rule that I found surprisingly helpful. If you are not sure if you are up for doing something, give it a go for 10 minutes, and if after 10 minutes you still don’t feel up to it, stop. I tried it a few times by going to the gym, and usually, once I get there and get into it, I’m fine, but my brain often tries to tell me that I am too tired before I go.
The 10-minute strategy seems to work because it is much easier to get our brains to do something for 10 minutes than for a considerable chunk of time. It is because it requires much less energy when we are forecasting our capacity to do the task. In addition, human brains are cognitive misers, which means they are always trying to “help” by conserving energy. So if you want to get started or you feel tired, think small.
9. THE FIRST DRAFT OF ANYTHING IS TRASH
“Don’t get discouraged because there’s a lot of mechanical work to writing. There is, and you can’t get out of it. I rewrote the first part of A Farewell to Arms at least fifty times. You’ve got to work it over. The first draft of anything is shit. When you first start to write you get all the kick and the reader gets none, but after you learn to work it’s your object to convey everything to the reader so that he remembers it not as a story he had read but something that happened to himself.”
Ernest Hemingway
This quote is fantastic because people often think they need to produce a masterpiece the first time they try or do something. However, if one of the most famous authors of all time made horrible first drafts, why should we expect more on ours? The solution is to focus on the process, not the outcome, and produce a draft before editing, reviewing, or criticising what you have done.
10. DON’T PUT THINGS OFF UNTIL LATER
“If something takes less than 2 minutes to do, don’t write it down or add it to your to do list — do it now.”
David Allen, Getting Things Done
Most people have so much stuff to do at any time that it is challenging to ever get their to-do list down to zero. It causes anxiety and stress for many people. However, the key is to have an excellent system to manage everything that comes in so that you don’t have to keep worrying and thinking about everything you need to do. Getting things done (GTD) is one such system. And the two-minute rule from GTD says that small tasks should never go on your to-do list if you can get them done now. This rule alone means that my email inbox rarely has any unopened or unreplied emails.
11. BE YOURSELF; EVERYONE ELSE IS TAKEN
Some believe that Oscar Wilde first said this, but the fascinating quote investigator website said they could not find it in any of his writings. However, Keith Craft noted something similar in announcing that we all have a unique fingerprint, and we can, therefore, “leave a unique imprint that no one else can leave.”
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
12. WE REGRET THE THINGS WE DON’T DO MORE THAN THE THINGS WE DO
We tend to think about what we may lose if we take a risk when deciding the future. However, when reflecting on the past, we regret what we missed by not taking a chance. The question then becomes, do we:
Play it safe, and not put ourselves out there because people may judge or criticise us for giving something a go and not succeeding? Or
Criticise others for being brave enough to try something? Or
Throw caution to the wind and give it our best shot, knowing that we will learn and grow more from mistakes and setbacks than we ever would have by sitting back and criticising others?
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Theodore Roosevelt
13. FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!
Susan Jeffers was my hero back when I read her top-selling self-help book. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t have to get rid of my fear before I tried to act courageously.
The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris then further highlighted to me that the actions tend to come before the feeling of confidence, not the other way around.
Fear was designed to keep us safe as a hunter-gatherer but holds us back more in modern-day life than it helps us sometimes. So instead, we need to assess the actual level of risk whenever we feel fear and go for it if the situation feels scary but is pretty safe. It could be horror movies, roller coaster rides, plane flights, or public speaking.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, inaugural address, 1932
14. WYSIATI
“What you see is all there is.”
Daniel Kahneman
How you are thinking and feeling in the moment is very much influenced by how you are thinking and feeling. If you feel on top of the world, you are likely to be feeling happy, thinking positively about yourself, others, the world and your future. Anything may feel possible. Then the next week, you have a setback or get sick, and you start to feel depressed and hopeless and think negatively about yourself, others, the world and your future. Of course, both can’t be true if they are only a week apart. It’s therefore essential to understand the power of WYSIATI.
Don’t think too big picture if you feel flat and down, and try not to do your weekly shop when you’re too hungry. The choices you’ll make once you’ve picked up a bit and have eaten something are likely to be very different.
15. MEMENTO MORI
“Remember that you have to die.”
Latin phrase
In many cultures worldwide and throughout history, acknowledging our mortality through prayer, meditation, reflection, ceremony, or celebration is more common than in atheistic or modern-day Western life.
The phrase memento mori helped people consider the transient nature of earthly life, our goods and our pursuits and enabled them to become humble and clarify what was important to them.
16. THINGS FADE; ALTERNATIVES EXCLUDE
Two things that are inevitable in life are:
1. no matter what we do, time passes and things erode over time (also known as the second law of thermodynamics), and
2. if we go down one path, we cannot go down another track simultaneously.
“Decisions are difficult for many reasons, some reaching down into the very socket of our being. John Gardner, in his novel Grendel, tells of a wise man who sums up his meditations on life’s mysteries in two simple but terrible postulates: “Things fade: alternatives exclude.” […] Decision invariably involves renunciation: for every yes there must be a no, each decision eliminating or killing other options (the root of the word decide means “slay,” as in homicide or suicide).”
Irvin Yalom (1991). Love’s executioner. p. 10. Penguin Books.
17. PARKINSON’S LAW
Have you ever wondered how you get way more work done on some days when you are super busy? Then on quiet days, you don’t have much work to do but struggle to get it all done. The reason for this is Parkinson’s law:
“Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”
The Stock–Sanford corollary to Parkinson’s rule is better, in my opinion, and it is something I used a lot when studying at uni:
“If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do.”
If productivity is what you are going for, give yourself a closer deadline and someone to hold you accountable if you don’t meet it, and voila, productivity and efficiency improve!
18. THE IMPORTANCE OF MEANING AND PURPOSE
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Nietzsche was a nihilist, which meant that he didn’t think the world had any meaning in it. Irvin Yalom said that even if the world is meaningless overall, it is still essential for us to find personally meaningful things individually or as a group. Viktor Frankl showed that in the concentration camps in WWII, those with some higher purpose beyond the camps were the ones who could manage to survive the horrible atrocities they faced every day.
What’s personally meaningful to you? Where could you find purpose?
19. DON’T LISTEN TO THE DOUBTERS
“Impossibility is not a fact — it’s an opinion.”
Muhammed Ali
Think of anyone who has done something groundbreaking or is still trying to do something pioneering today — Henry Ford, Walt Disney, Steve Jobs, Barack Obama, Richard Branson, Elon Musk, Bill Gates. I wonder how many people told them to give up, grow up, stop being deluded, or think realistically? I’d say most of them.
Just because someone hasn’t done something doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t do it. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had the massive amount of progression that we have had over the past 200 years.
20. CLARIFY YOUR VALUES AND MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON THESE
“(Some people spend)their lives doing work they detest to make money they don’t want to buy things they don’t need in order to impress people they dislike.”
Emile Gauvreau
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your life has to be a certain way just because everyone else is doing something a certain way and telling you that you should too.
By clarifying your values first and building your hierarchy, you can see if what you are currently doing is consistent with what is essential. If not, what changes could you make that you’d be willing to make to help you start heading in the right direction? The earlier you make these changes, or at least concrete plans to make them, the higher chance you will be happy with the path you are on.
21. RELATIONSHIP WARMTH IS THE NUMBER ONE PREDICTOR OF LONG-TERM HEALTH AND HAPPINESS
“Love people, use things. The opposite never works.”
Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus, The Minimalists
The minimalist movement has picked up in the last 20 years in response to most of us in the Western world having way too much stuff and realising that it doesn’t make us any happier. If anything, it causes us more stress. Clothing used to be a scarce and valuable thing. Now wardrobes and houses are overflowing, and storage facilities are popping up everywhere to help clear some space.
What if we just bought fewer things and focused more on what matters: our connections with the important people in our lives. Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, found that in the end, close relationships are more critical to our health and happiness than anything else.
22. OCCAM’S RAZOR
“Given several possible explanations about something, the simplest one is probably right.”
Is the dog above trying to read, or is it merely sniffing the book?
Occam’s razor is why conspiracy theories are never likely to be true. Think about the moon landing, or 9/11, or the Illuminati, flat earth theories, or any other conspiracy out there. For the conspiracy plot to be accurate, so many added levels are needed. Even people keeping the scheme a secret for years without anyone turning themselves in or trying to make money out of it is unlikely. So it’s much simpler and more likely that there is no conspiracy.
You can also apply Occam’s razor to losing weight, sleeping well, getting stronger, or improving any skill. Some people have complicated theories, but usually, the answer lies in relatively simple explanations. Doing too much or complicating things beyond what is necessary often backfires.
Reduce things back to the bare essentials, and see what happens.
23. LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS
The law of diminishing returns says that each time we do something to receive a benefit, the benefit will be less and less.
Let’s say you order this massive stack of pancakes in the picture above. The first pancake may taste amazing, and the pleasure received is a 9 out of 10. After that, each bite is likely to be slightly less enjoyable than the bite before. Finally, if you somehow managed to get through the whole stack, the last taste might only be a 1 out of 10 on the pleasure scale.
However, a month later, your next pancake might reach 9 out of 10 on the pleasure scale again.
The solution is to wait for long enough between doing the same thing twice so that you enjoy it just as much the next time.
“Variety is the very spice of life, that gives it all its flavour.”
William Cowper
24. BE KIND
“If you’re kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.”
Mother Teresa
If you know why you are doing something, try not to worry about what others think. People who do not understand why you are doing what you are doing will see it from their point of view.
If they could only do what you are doing by getting something in return, they will assume you have the same intention. But being kind is a reward within itself. If you can give just for the sake of it, do it. You can thank me later.
25. DESIGN YOUR OWN LIFE
“When you grow up you tend to get told the world is the way it is and (you should) just live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family, have fun, save a little money. That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again”.
Steve Jobs
As far as I see the world, we only have one life to live. We can spend it doing what others expect of us, or we can spend it doing what is suitable for us. We can blame everyone else for how things turn out, or we can go our own way.
Regardless of what you decide, time passes, and eventually, you will either feel that you made the most of what you had or accumulate regrets. I try to live my life in a way where I learn from my past mistakes, and make choices that I hopefully won’t regret in the future. What about you?
When I tell people that I am a clinical psychologist, people often ask, “Are you reading my mind right now?”
The fascinating thing about the question is that it isn’t what psychologists do.
Sure, I can pick up on other people’s emotions much more than I could before I started clinical work. I’ve also become more skilled at reading people’s body language and tone of voice and what this might mean. These skills could help me be a better poker player, but not a psychic.
Do people get a psychologist and a psychic confused?
I want to hope not, but I’m also sure that I’ve never met another psychologist who has claimed to be a mind reader.
Well, maybe some of my friends and I used to during our undergraduate studies, but we weren’t psychologists yet, and we weren’t psychics. Just using some silly tricks that we had read in the book ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss, an exposé on the pick-up-artist community. So when anyone asked us if we could read their minds, we would say one of two things:
1. Think of a number between 1 and 10.
Go ahead, think of it.
It turns out that a surprisingly high number of people say 7. When people guessed this, and we got it right, they confirmed their beliefs that we were mind readers.
2. Imagine you are driving along a road in the desert, and in the distance, you see a cube up ahead on the side of the road. What size is the cube (small, medium, big)? Is the cube opaque (see-through) or solid? What colour is the cube? Now imagine that there is a ladder near this cube. Where is it?
With each response, an “hmm, interesting” was all we would say until the person answered all questions.
We would then give generic, generally positive responses such as:
big cube = extraverted
opaque = open and easy to get to know
red = passionate
the ladder on top of cube = high achiever
The funny thing was that people were generally pretty happy with their analysis and were sufficiently impressed with our mind-reading skills.
The Problem With Horoscopes
It often perplexes me how horoscopes in the newspaper apply to the 600 million+ people globally that have that star sign. But, of course, it’s also fascinating how many people read them each day and believe in what they say. But maybe that is typical of me as a Sagittarius to be a doubter and an unbeliever. Who knows.
In my year 11 Psychology class, I remember a little experiment that our teacher did with us. To begin with, we were all described our personality based on our horoscope. I have programmed this article to figure out your character based on your horoscope to give you a sense of its accuracy. Let me know how accurate my description of you is from 0 = poor to 5 = excellent:
You need other people to like and admire you.
You tend to be critical of yourself.
You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage.
While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them.
Disciplined and self-controlled outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside.
At times you have serious doubts about whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing.
You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations.
You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others’ statements without satisfactory proof.
You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others.
At times, you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while you are introverted, wary, and reserved at other times.
Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic.
Security is one of your primary goals in life.
How accurate was my assessment?
When we received this description in class, most of us rated it a 4 out of 5. However, it turns out that we were all given the same explanation regardless of our horoscope, and if you haven’t guessed it yet, I have done the same with you.
These 12 items are all known as Barnum statements, which Psychologist Bertram Forer first used in his 1948 study to observe this phenomenon. He found that people tend to believe that general and mostly positive personality descriptions apply specifically to them without realising that they could also apply to many others.
These findings have been duplicated several times since, with most results supporting the initial findings that these statements are about 85% accurate at describing an individual’s personality. Now commonly known as the Forer effect, it is one of the main reasons astrology, fortune-telling, some personality tests and other forms of supposed mind-reading are so popular and perceived as valid.
Well, Then Explain To Me How..?
Whenever I tell people that I doubt these things, most believers will come back to me with a testimony, either from their experiences or that of a family member or friend. They’ll tell me about a time when someone they saw could accurately know or predict something that they believe could not have been known in any other way.
Just because I don’t believe in mind-reading or fortune-telling or communicating with spirits does not mean that I can know with 100% certainty that they do not exist. If anyone could prove their gifts scientifically, I would be genuinely amazed. I’d even be happy to utilise and recommend their services.
Until I see much scientific proof, however, I recommend this. If a clairvoyant, fortune teller, medium, aura reader, or anyone else helps you feel better or gain more clarity on the path you would like to take going forward, then that is great. However, if they cause you to worry more about a horrible fate or not take control or action in your life, then that is not good. Especially if they are charging you a lot of money. If a psychologist is doing the same thing to you, this would be equally as bad.
Tricks of the Trade
It doesn’t matter what field it is. Some people are generally warm, intuitive and empathetic, and genuinely want to help the people that they see. Other people may have less altruistic intentions and motivations for doing what they do.
I want people to be aware of the various tricks that certain people may use to convince others that they have the power to read people’s minds, communicate with spirits, or predict the future.
In ‘The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading’, Ian Rowland lists 38 persuasion techniques (including Barnum statements). Known as elements, they are used to extract information from clients, convince them that they know something about their character, about the facts and events of their life, and about the future. Some of my favourites are:
Elements to extract information:
‘Jargon Blitz’ with a ‘Veiled Question’: Explain the traditional meaning of a tarot card, “the five of swords indicates a struggle in the affairs of the heart”. Then make a statement about the client’s life, “I sense your personal goals are taking priority over romance at this time”. Follow this with, “is this making sense to you?” If it is, you’ve got a hit. If not, they give you more information about their lives without realising that you have asked them a question.
‘Vanishing Negative: State a negative question with ambiguous tone and phrasing, such as, “you don’t work with kids, do you?”. It can be a hit whether they agree or disagree, as the negative part of the question vanishes if they say they do work with kids — “yes, I thought so. A strong affinity with children is indicated….”
Elements about character:
‘Rainbow Ruse’: Credit the client with both a personality trait and its opposite: “sometimes you are very outgoing and confident, even the life of the party when the mood strikes you, and yet there are other times when you can retreat into your shell, preferring to keep quiet or distance yourself from others.” It sounds perceptive but covers the whole scope of the personality trait.
‘Jacques Statement’: Depending on their stage of life, talk about the usual crises that tend to occur around their age. Rowland shares his one for someone in their mid-thirties to early forties: “if you are honest about it, you often get to wondering about what happened to all those dreams you had when you were younger, and all those wonderful ambitions you once held dear. I suspect that deep down, there is a part of you that sometimes wants to scrap everything, get out of the rut, and start again, but this time do things YOUR way.”
Elements about facts and events:
‘Fuzzy Fact’: Ask them a factual statement that is quite likely to be accepted initially and leaves space to become something more specific with additional prompting. For example, you can relate it to geography (“I see a connection with Europe, possibly Britain, or it could be the warmer Mediterranean part”). Or medical (“the gentleman with me now is telling me about a problem around the chest area”). It could also be an event (“There’s an indication here of a career in progress or transition. This could be your career, or it could be someone else’s career that affects you”).
‘Good chance guesses’: Ask a question that has a higher chance of being accurate than the other person would think, such as “I see a house with the number 2” or “I see a blue car”. If they lived in a house with a #2 or owned a blue car once, it’s a hit. If not, it could be someone close to them or someone they knew, or even a neighbour, which makes it unlikely to be wrong.
Trivia stat: Most people have a box of old photos around their house that haven’t been sorted, or medical supplies that are years out of date, or a key that is now redundant, or books associated with an old hobby or interest. Most people will have had a scar on their left knee, been involved in some childhood accident that included water, have an item of clothing in their wardrobe that they can no longer fit into, and tried to learn a musical instrument as a child that they later gave up. Of course, people are not likely to realise how common these traits’ are, so they are also good chance guesses.
Elements about the future:
‘Pollyanna Pearls’: State that whatever has been difficult lately is likely to improve: “It’s been a bit of a bumpy ride romantically these last few years for you, but the next year or so will be a lot easier!”
‘Self-fulfilling Predictions’: When making predictions about mood or personality, these have the bonus of potentially becoming self-fulfilling: “You will begin to adopt a more confident and optimistic disposition. You will let go of old regrets and start being more compassionate to yourself and others. You will soon have a greater sense of connection and belonging with others!”
‘Unverifiable Predictions: These can never be verified either way, so no chance of them being wrong. Here is Rowland’s example again: “Someone you know will harbour a secret grudge against you. They will plan to put obstacles in your way, but you will overcome their plans without even realising it.”
I’ve shared my ten favourite elements with you, but there are still another 28 in ‘The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading’. Check it out if you are interested in learning more about the persuasion techniques typically employed in the psychic industry.
Conclusion
Some people may be able to convince you that they can read your mind. But from my experience in life so far, I have never come across any substantial scientific evidence that suggests that this is the case.
The truth is that to understand and help people, I have to rely on how they present in session with me and what they say to me and how they say it. Communication with their partner, family members, friends or other treating doctors can also help at times (if the client consents to this).
If you see a psychologist, please do not assume that they can read your mind. If you’d like to speak about something, make sure that you say it. It is especially true if the session isn’t going how you want it to, if you are uncomfortable, or if the treatment isn’t as helpful as you’d like it to be.
I do not doubt that a client could successfully withhold or deceive me if they wanted to. Still, all this would do is create a barrier in the therapeutic relationship that would then prevent me from being able to help them in the best way possible.
Many people assume that others should know what they need and how to give it to them. But if both psychologists and psychics can’t even read your mind, then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to either. So the reality is that it is okay to ask for what you need and to teach others to support you in the ways that you find most helpful.
Derek Sivers seems like a pretty cool guy. On his website, he calls himself a musician, producer, circus performer, entrepreneur, TED speaker, and book publisher. He started a company called CDBaby and made millions from this. He then gave the company to charity, resulting in millions of dollars subsequently being used to help up-and-coming musical artists who need some monetary support to try and realise their dreams.
Sivers also reads a lot of non-fiction books that are focused on psychology, self-help and self-improvement. He has little reviews of these books on his website and gives them a score out of 10, which is great if you are in need of a recommendation of what to read.
In 2016, Sivers tried to summarise all of the key points that he obtained from reading so many non-fiction books. These key points were put into “do this” directives for him as a personal guide to various aspects of life. The directives were first brought to the public’s attention in his episode of the hugely popular ‘Tim Ferriss Show’ podcast. Because of the demand for the remainder of these lists, they were shared on Derek’s website sivers.org. He also plans on doing more with these directives in the future, including potentially writing his own book.
Below are his directives, as well as my opinion of them. Directives that I completely agree with will be in green. Directives that I disagree with or that go against scientific research will be in red.
How to be useful to others:
Get famous
Do everything in public and for the public.
The more people you reach, the more useful you are.
The opposite is hiding, which is of no use to everyone.
Get rich
Money is neutral proof you’re adding value to people’s lives.
So, by getting rich, you’re being useful as a side effect.
Once rich, spend the money in ways that are even more useful to others.
Then, getting rich is double useful.
Share strong opinions
Strong opinions are very useful to others.
Those who were undecided or ambivalent can just adopt your stance.
But those who disagree can solidify their stance by arguing against yours.
Be expensive
People given a placebo pill were twice as likely to have their pain disappear when told the pill was expensive.
People who paid more for tickets were more likely to attend the performance.
People who spend more for a product or service value it more, and get more use out of it.
WHAT I THINK: While there are a lot of famous and rich people who are useful to other people, there are many others who are not. What is true is that if you are famous and rich, you have the potential to have more influence on others and do more positive things, such as Bill and Melinda Gates. You also have the potential to negatively influence more people too, such as Donald Trump. What you do with that power and exposure is up to you.
You can also make a difference to others without being rich or famous. Don’t underestimate the difference you can make as a teacher or coach or parent or volunteer or community member or any other role where you interact with others on a regular basis. If you charge more, people will value your services more, you will earn more money and then have a greater chance to be useful to others.
Do try to be informed before sharing your opinions publicly. Look at all the damage Jenny McCarthy did by sharing her opinions on vaccines and autism.
How to get rich:
Live where luck strikes
Live where everything is happening.
Live where the money is flowing.
Live where careers are being made.
Live where your role models live.
Once there, be as in the game as anyone can be.
Be right in the middle of everything.
Say yes to everything
Meet everyone.
Pursue every opportunity.
Nothing is too small. Do it all.
Like lottery tickets, you never know which one will win. So the more, the better.
Not pursued on their own, they’re skills that multiply the success of your main pursuit (e.g., A pilot who’s also a great writer and public speaker; A chef with a mastery of psychology, persuasion and design).
These skills multiply the results of your efforts, and give you an edge over others in your field.
Pursue market value, not personal value
Do what pays well.
Do not be the starving artist, working on things that have great personal value to you, but little market value.
Follow the money. It tells you where you’re most valuable.
Don’t try to make a career out of everything you love. For example, sex.
Shamelessly imitate success
Imitate the best strategies of your competitors.
The market doesn’t care about your personal need to be unique.
It’s selfless and humble to use the best ideas regardless of source, to create the best service or product for your clients.
Get great at executing other people’s ideas as well as your own.
Be the owner, not just the inventor
It’s tempting to try to be the ideas person, having someone else do the dirty work of making those ideas happen.
Ideas don’t make you rich. Great execution of ideas does.
A rule of capitalism: whoever takes the most financial risk gets the rewards.
The biggest rewards will always go to those that fund it and own it.
To get rich, be the owner. Own as close to 100% as possible.
Benefit from human nature
Instead of complaining about the downside of human nature, find ways to benefit from it.
Instead of complaining about the rules, just learn the game, then play it.
WHAT I THINK: To get rich, it is important to know how humans think and act, and to find ways to benefit from this instead of wishing for things to be different. It is useful to see what has worked for others, to learn how to do things in this way first, and then to adapt the best things so that what you are doing is authentically yours. It is important to try to own the product or service you are trying to sell. If you don’t do this, your earning potential will always be capped and will generally always be less than your bosses.
While it is true that people need to be willing to spend money in order to make money, it’s not just about taking financial risks. There are many broke people out there who have spent too much on bad ideas. Figure out how to test your ideas or products first to see how the market responds before investing too much in it, and don’t be afraid to make changes or start over again if a better opportunity presents itself. Ideally we aren’t just doing something for the money. If we love it, are good at it and it makes a lot, you will be much happier than doing something just because you know that it pays well.
While it is true that we don’t know which opportunities will necessarily work out, we also can’t make much progress if we are saying yes to everyone and everything. Meet and connect with the right people who are not just out for themselves until you find a great idea. Then pursue this project for a set period until you know if it is likely to make you rich or not. If not, jump ship as soon as you realise it and keep brainstorming and connecting and saying yes until you find your next great idea. Once you have this, learning how to prioritise and say no may be even more important than always saying yes. Same with being in the middle of everything. It’s good until you know which path you want to go down. Once you know, distance from others can be just as good until an idea has been executed.
The last bit of advice that isn’t here is don’t gamble or invest in get rich quick schemes. Use debit cards instead of credit cards. Don’t buy the most expensive insurance options. Do invest in index funds and other trustworthy stocks regularly and as early as you can and don’t change them around too much. Compounding interest will help you to gain a lot of money over time. But having heaps of money beyond what you need to meet your basic needs isn’t likely to make you a lot happier in the long run.
How to thrive in an unknowable future:
Prepare for the worst
Since you have no idea what the future may bring, be open to the best and the worst.
But the best case scenario doesn’t need your preparation or your attention.
So mentally and financially prepare for the worst case, instead.
Like insurance, don’t obsess on it. Just prepare, then carry on appreciating the good times.
Expect disaster
Every biography of a successful person has that line, “And then, things took a turn for the worse.”
Fully expect that disaster to come to you at any time.
Completely assume it’s going to happen, and make your plans accordingly.
Not just money, but health, family, freedom. Expect it all to disappear.
Besides, you appreciate things more when you know this may be your last time seeing them.
Own as little as possible
Depend on even less.
The less you own, the less you’re affected by disaster.
Choose opportunity, not loyalty
Have no loyalty to location, corporation, or your past public statements.
Be an absolute opportunist, doing whatever is best for the future in the current situation, unbound by the past.
Have loyalty for only your most important human relationships.
Choose the plan with the most options
The best plan is the one that lets you change your plans.
Example: renting a house is buying the option to move at any time without losing money in a changing market.
Avoid planning
For maximum options, don’t plan at all.
Since you have no idea how the situation or your mood may change in the future, wait until the last moment to make each decision.
WHAT I THINK: It’s good to be creative, flexible, adaptable and open to change. These characteristics will become even more important in the future, because change is likely to continue to happen at an even faster and faster pace. People back in the 14th century kind of knew what to expect by the 15th century, but most people living now have no idea what life is likely to look like in the 22nd century. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t plan, and it definitely doesn’t mean that we should only plan for the worst. Life has continued to get better and better in so many ways, and it is likely to continue to get better in many ways too. It doesn’t mean it can’t get worse, but we shouldn’t all become doomsday preppers or not buy anything in case disaster strikes. Try to only buy the things you need that will help add value to your life.
Especially if you have kids, stability is good, so don’t be afraid to set up roots. Buy a house, start a business where you live, and develop friendships with other people in your neighbourhood. Some people may leave, businesses may collapse, marriages may crumble, but research still indicates that people have more satisfied relationships if they get married than if they live together but don’t get married. Married men are also both happier and healthier than single men. Divorce negatively impacts kids, especially if there is a lot of conflict, and learning how to overcome difficulties is better than always avoiding things or running away as soon as things get tough or another seemingly desirable option presents itself. We always think the grass is greener on the other side, but when we get there it’s often not as shiny or as different as we first thought (or better than we’ve previously had).
Essentially, having plans and making commitments is better than having none, as long as you are also open to making tweaks and even big changes if things really aren’t working out. Research indicates that having too many options makes it too hard to choose and not making a decision can be really stressful and both physically and emotionally draining. Research also indicates that we tend to become happier with our choices over time once we have made them, as long as we commit to our choices and don’t keep trying to doubt ourselves or leave all the other doors open too.
How to like people:
Assume it’s their last day
Everyone talks about living like it’s your last day on earth.
Instead, to appreciate someone, live like it’s their last day on earth.
Treat them accordingly. Try to fulfill their dreams for the day.
Really listen to them. Learn from them.
Be who’d you’d be when alone
You could live in a crowd, pleasing only others.
You could live in solitude, pleasing only yourself.
But ideally, when in a crowd, be the same person you’d be when alone.
Assume men and women are the same
Men think women are so different from them.
Women think men are so different from them.
But the differences among men and differences among women are far greater than the differences between men and women.
So, counteract your tendency to exaggerate the differences.
Always make new friends
As you grow old and change, old friends and family will be unintentionally invested in maintaining you as you were before.
Let go of people that don’t welcome and encourage your change.
Avoid harming the relationship
For long-term relationship success, it’s more effective than seeking the positive.
A friendship that may take years to develop can be ruined by a single action.
Act calm and kind
Regardless of how you feel
Don’t try to change them
unless they asked you to.
Don’t teach a lesson.
Stop trying to change people who don’t think they have a problem.
Find wisdom in your opponents
Really engage with those who think opposite of you.
You already know the ideas common on your own side.
Purge the vampires
Get rid of people that drain you, that don’t make you feel good about yourself.
They make you hate all people.
WHAT I THINK: It is great to really try to appreciate others, and understanding that some people may die soon is a helpful way to ensure that we don’t take others for granted. The Tail End by Tim Urban is an awesome blog post that nicely highlights how little time we actually have left with the important people in our lives. We should try to make the most of our time with them while we still have it so we don’t regret it later.
We can learn a lot from others if we ask them about their life and experiences and beliefs and really listen, even if they have different ways of looking at things to us. But we shouldn’t try to give advice or teach lessons to others unless someone has asked or agreed to it first (or they’re reading your blog post!).
While it is good to minimise how much time we spend with people that drain us or make us feel bad or don’t accept us for who we are, it is also important to try and maintain our old friendships too. Having both old friends and family to keep us grounded and new friends to help us learn and grow is having the best of both worlds.
Men and women are different in some ways, and it is important to understand how and why. Of course we should still see each other as individuals and not just a gender, but this is the same with people who come from a different culture, ethnicity, nationality, religion and any other group that is different to yours. If we can understand group norms, it can help us to understand others a little bit better, but we should also be willing to change our perceptions of others based on what they say and do, rather than hold onto rigid, unhelpful or even discriminatory stereotypes.
While it’s not possible to always be 100% ourselves around others, the more authentic we can be the more we will feel energised around others and connected with them. Similarly, we shouldn’t always act calm if we really are upset or angry or worried and need to express our feelings or what we need. What we can do is express this in a way that is still kind and considerate so that you don’t unnecessarily burn any bridges.
Thanks for reading! For more advice on a good life, feel free to check out some of my other articles, especially: Can We Develop Our Own Guide to Better Living?; 10 Bits of Advice I’d Give My 10-Year-Old Self; Ten Traits of Highly Successful People; 25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life.
Damon Ashworth Psychology 
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