Damon Ashworth Psychology

Author: Dr Damon Ashworth

  • How to Spend Your Money for Optimal Happiness

    How to Spend Your Money for Optimal Happiness

    Not all the best things in life are free.

    I was on holiday in Queenstown, New Zealand, back in 2016 and was amazed at how beautiful the scenery was. I was also amazed by how many experiences were on offer for people visiting or living there.

    On my first day in Queenstown, I walked into the town. I immediately saw brochures for the speedboats, canyon swings, skydiving, mountain biking, snowboarding and heli-skiing in several shop windows.

    I began hiking up a mountain, and suddenly someone whirred by me through the trees on a zip line travelling at 70km/h. It looked scary but also exhilarating.

    Further up the hill, I came across a luge track where families and friends were roaring down the mountain in their carts, smiling and laughing and generally having a great time while taking in the breathtaking views. I saw people bungee jumping from a platform off the side of the mountain, and just above that were people paragliding down to the valley floor.

    I don’t recall seeing many unhappy faces that day. On the contrary, most people were fully engaged by others or what they were doing. Engagement is crucial for optimal well-being.

    However, apart from hiking and taking in the scenery, these activities did come at a considerable cost. The several days of skiing that I did afterwards at the surrounding Alpine Resorts were no exception.

    If I had taken more money with me on that trip to New Zealand, I would have been able to experience a more extensive array of potentially fun activities. Furthermore, as long as I enjoyed these activities, I believe they would have contributed to a higher level of happiness.

    Can money ever buy us happiness?

    Anyone who says that money can’t buy us happiness is looking at it too simplistically. I’ve seen too many financially stressed clients know that a significant gift of money would be a massive assistance in their time of need. It would reduce their stress and hopefully increase their level of financial security, happiness and overall well-being. Right?

    Looking at past lottery winners, we can see that winning a large sum of money does increase short-term happiness. However, 12 months later, the lottery winner has typically returned to their pre-win levels of joy and sometimes feels even worse.

    Furthermore, even people who have up to 10 million dollars of net worth often don’t feel financially secure and still believe that if they had more money, they would feel more confident, happier, and more able to buy everything they wanted.

    It seems that it almost doesn’t matter how much money we have. As a result, most people will continue to feel financially insecure and typically strive to make more money than they have currently. But is this the best way?

    Another fascinating study found that beyond a certain amount of money (approximately $70,000 annually), an increase in salary does not typically lead to greater overall emotional or physical well-being. On the other hand, it seems that we do need to have enough money to look after our fundamental needs (food, shelter, water, safety etc.) and have a little bit of leisure or fun. However, making more money doesn’t seem to hold the answer to happiness, especially if we spend it in the ways that most people do.

    Why does more money not equal more happiness?

    I believe that the traps of Materialism and Capitalism are to blame, especially in Western culture. We think that working hard, making lots of money, and buying lots of stuff is the secret to happiness and success. This equation is just a myth, however, and it is required for consumerism to flourish. Consumerism prioritises short-term and societal growth above individual functioning or what is best over a long-term basis. It drives us to believe that we need the stuff to be happy, and this is often at the expense of things we need in our lives to flourish.

    So what can we do about it?

    In the excellent book “Stuffocation” by James Wallman, he makes the case that most people in Western society have too much stuff due to their consumer lifestyle. It is complicating our lives and stressing us out. This stress is now offsetting any of the benefits that come from the stuff that we buy. So should we throw everything out?

    Wallman does explore Minimalism as a possible solution to our Stuffocation. However, he doesn’t believe that Minimalism is the antidote because it is purely defined by what materialism isn’t. True freedom can only come from doing what is suitable for us, not doing the opposite of what is wrong. Minimalism is too confining.

    We could all just quit our jobs too, and stop making money, but the financial debt would catch up to us pretty quickly unless we somehow learned to become entirely self-sufficient and live off the land. Some people and communities can do this, but it’s not for everyone.

    Working less may help. Sweden has recently led the way with this by shortening their workdays down to 6 hours. Many people complain about being time-poor, and reducing how much time we spend at work would increase the amount of time available for people to use in whichever way they find most meaningful. It could be time with family, friends, engaging in exercise or hobbies, or taking some time to reflect and relax. We could cut down through improving productivity or efficiency (books like the ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen Covey or ‘Getting Things Done’ by David Allen could help) or cut down our commitments. Our productivity declines if we work more than 9 hours per day or more than 48 hours per week, so this should be a helpful guide for the maximum hours to work for optimal happiness.

    Once you have the extra time, it’s still about making sure that you spend your money in ways that will give you the biggest bang for your buck.

    How to spend money in ways that can increase happiness

    (1) buy more experiences rather than material objects — Wallman believes that Experientialism is the antidote to Materialism and Consumerism. We need to invest money in experiences and not in stuff. We need to be able to engage in these experiences. They also need to be accessible and affordable to have a significant impact on our overall well-being. If you have to invest in stuff, buy stuff that will make life easier for you to have more of the experiences you would like and less of the experiences that you don’t.

    (2) make sure that you are buying things for the right reason — A car or even a ride-on lawnmower can be a way to make things easier or to have an enjoyable experience, or it can just be more stuff. We need to determine why we want to buy something, and if it is about impressing others (showing our status) rather than for our enjoyment, it probably won’t lead to long-lasting happiness.

    (3) buy more frequent and smaller pleasures, rather than less frequent and larger ones — People are relatively insensitive to the price of an object. If we buy less expensive things, we get a similar pay-off or reward (in happiness terms) for a much smaller cost. The less expensive stuff we buy, the less we need to work and save, and the less credit card debt we’ll have. With the Australian Securities and Investment Commission stating that Australians owe nearly $32 billion in credit card debt, or over $4,300 each, this is advice that a lot of us could take on.

    (4) avoid credit card debt and overpriced insurance — Have you ever noticed that all of the tall buildings in cities tend to belong to either banks or insurance companies. There is a reason for this. They prey on our cognitive biases and utilise effective marketing strategies to get us to buy things now and pay them later. The average Australian pays over $725 of interest annually on the $4,300 they owe on their credit card at an interest rate between 15 and 20%. Suppose we pay only the minimum repayments, whether a credit card or a home loan. It will take a long time to pay it off and cost you a lot more money in interest. So spending more to reduce our interest or getting a debit card rather than a credit card will help us to not waste money for nothing in return except for immediate gratification. With extended warranties and no excess insurance, we will have to pay a premium for “peace of mind”, so it’s essential to work out if that peace is worth the extra cost for you. Insurance works like the lottery — we always think, “what if it happened to me?” and forget about the actual probability of these events occurring.

    (5) delay gratification by booking ahead — With more expensive experiences, the longer we can plan these, the better it is for us. Not only do we get the experience, but also the anticipation and excitement leading up to it. So the next time you want to be spontaneous and book a concert ticket or holiday, book it for six months in advance and thank me for the increased happiness later.

    (6) use your money to give to or help others — There was a study where they gave individuals $20. Half of them spent it on themselves, and the other half gave it away to someone else. They then tracked the happiness of these groups over some time. Whilst the happiness levels were similar between the two groups immediately after the event, the group who gave the money away were significantly higher only two weeks later. So giving to others does make a difference, both to them as well as to you. It is a lovely message to keep in mind with Christmas around the corner.

    If you are interested in other ways to increase happiness through spending, please check out the fascinating article titled ‘If Money Doesn’t Make You Happy Then You Probably Aren’t Spending It Right’ by Elizabeth Dunn, Daniel Gilbert and Timothy Wilson.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Do You Love Your Loved Ones How They Want to be Loved?

    Do You Love Your Loved Ones How They Want to be Loved?

    Where do we go wrong?

    One of the saddest things I see time and time again in my work as a Clinical Psychologist is partners who both love each other and try their best to show this to each other, yet neither of them feels loved and appreciated.

    The same thing also happens frequently within families, either between parents and their children or between siblings.

    In the excellent book, ‘Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well’ by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, they highlight nicely why this often occurs:

    Firstly, we are aware of our thoughts, feelings and intentions behind whatever actions we do. The other person is not. All they can see is what we say, how we say it, and our behaviour or body language. Our body language influences approximately 55% of how others interpret what we say to them, with 38% being how we say it and only 7% what we say (Mehrabian,1971). Worse still, these non-verbal cues are generally out of our awareness, meaning we don’t see what they see either.

    Secondly, no matter how precisely we choose our words or actions, we cannot fully control how our message will be taken in and interpreted by the other person. Someone understands what we say based on their past experiences, core beliefs about others or our role (partner, sibling, parent or child), and their expectations and assumptions of what we are like or how we should be. Therefore, it creates biases before we have even opened our mouths and affects how they are impacted by what we do and say.

    Lastly, suppose we make a mistake or an error or upset someone. In that case, we will usually attribute it to the context or situational factors rather than seeing it as something to do with our character (e.g. “I didn’t wash the dishes because I was running late for work”). Conversely, When others make a mistake or upset us, we often attribute it to a personality characteristic or an unchangeable flaw (e.g. “you didn’t wash the dishes because you are lazy and disrespectful”). What happens next is that we usually criticise their character, which they rightly become defensive over, and they try to explain the context, which we tell them is just an excuse. When the other person criticises our character, the opposite happens, and we wonder how they can be so cruel and unforgiving (making other judgments about their character and personality). It’s no wonder that relationships are so tricky!

    What can we do?

    1. Develop Active Listening Skills

    Rather than assume the intent of others based on how they made us feel, it is much better to try and understand their perspective first and show this understanding through the skills of active listening, including:

    • clarifying: asking for more information on what they were talking about
    • “what did you mean by…?”,
    • “Can you elaborate further on …?”
    • paraphrasing: repeating back what was said to you in another way
    • them: “it’s like 100 degrees outside!”
    • you: “it’s so hot!”
    • reflecting: showing that you understand how they felt
    • them: “I had nothing to do all weekend!”
    • you: “you must have been bored!”
    • summarising: especially if someone has been speaking for a few minutes on a topic
    • them: multiple stories about the various things that have gone wrong for them recently
    • you: “sounds like you’ve had a rough week!”

    Some people will get annoyed if you don’t fully understand them or what they are feeling at the moment. Still, even this is an excellent opportunity to learn more about the other person and to get better attuned with how they think and feel from now on. Most people will appreciate the effort.

    2. Follow the Three Principles of Humanistic Psychology

    Carl Rogers was a Humanistic Psychologist who believed that only three elements were essential for promoting growth and well-being in others. These were:

    • Unconditional Positive Regard: No matter what the other person does or doesn’t do, it is essential to separate the person from their actions and continue to see the person positively. As a parent or a partner, it is more than okay not to accept or tolerate certain behaviours, but we need to show that we are unhappy with the behaviour rather than who they are. If it is someone that we love, our love for them should not diminish, because we can still see that they are a good person who sometimes does the wrong thing. If they can feel this, it will help them learn right from wrong going forward, rather than feeling like they have to be a certain way to be loved.
    • Empathic Attunement: It is essential to see the world in the way the other person does and understand how they view the particular situation and feel about it. If we can show this to them in a way that they feel it, they will know that we get it and will develop greater trust in opening up to us about other things as we advance. They will also feel less alone and isolated and be more responsive if we suggest potential ways to help them out of a predicament. Without understanding first, any advice you give usually falls flat and is not taken on at best or is seen as uncaring and interfering at worst.
    • Congruency: It is essential to ensure that what we are expressing is consistent with how we feel (in a way appropriate to the other person or audience). A parent who is upset at something that has happened in their life may not want to burden a child with their problems. However, it is still better to say, “Mummy is a little upset, but she is going to be okay” rather than “nothing, everything is fine” when a child asks, “what’s wrong mummy?” because they have accurately picked up on how you are feeling. Telling them something that is not congruent with how you feel will only confuse them and potentially make them doubt how their perception is going forward. The more congruent we are, the more trustworthy we are to others, and the less they have to worry about resentment building up or you keeping things from them.

    3. Practice Effective Communication

    As part of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), Marsha Linehan teaches interpersonal effectiveness skills. She says that if we want to get an objective met when communicating, try the following four steps:

    D — Describe the situation, and stick to facts, not judgments

    (e.g.” When you are 30 minutes late”, not “When you are rude and don’t care!”).

    E — Explain how you feel

    (Emotions — e.g. “I feel hurt and upset!”. Not opinions — e.g. “I feel like you don’t care at all!”)

    A — Ask for what you need or would prefer

    (Behaviours — e.g. “I would prefer that if you are late next time that you either try to leave a bit earlier or text or call to let me know that you are running late”. Not feelings — e.g. “I would prefer if you cared about and loved me like you say you do”).

    R — Reinforce the potential benefits to them, you and the relationship if they could do what you have asked

    (e.g. “Then you won’t need to rush as much, you’ll be safer on the road getting here, I won’t worry as much, we won’t end up fighting, and we’ll be able to enjoy a great night out together!”).

    You might be sceptical, but it really can work, and it does become more comfortable with practice.

    4. Avoid the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse

    John Gottman, the legendary relationship researcher, claims that he can successfully predict with a 91% accuracy which couples will get divorced in the future after observing them for only five minutes. He says that if you want to avoid a later break-up (the apocalypse), it is essential to prevent the following four things (the four horsemen) that can significantly erode the goodwill of a relationship over time. These are:

    • Criticism: While it is essential to be able to make a complaint about a specific behaviour in a relationship (e.g. “you left the toilet seat up again”), a criticism about who the person is will never be helpful (e.g. “you’re such a slob!”).
    • Contempt: This includes anything that communicates disgust, resentment or looking down upon the other. Contempt may be spoken through hostile humour such as sarcasm, cynicism or name-calling, or displayed through behaviours such as eye-rolling, sneering or mocking laughter with the head tilted back. Building a culture of mutual respect and appreciation is the antidote to this.
    • Defensiveness: This is usually in response to criticisms or contempt, and each partner then feels that they are right and the other is wrong, and the argument becomes about who will win. When each partner is trying to win an argument and blame the other, the relationship suffers in the end. It’s much better to take responsibility for your part and then work towards what will be best for both of you going forward.
    • Stonewalling: Eventually, after escalating conflict, one partner tries to tune out the other partner, disengaging from the communication or the relationship emotionally while remaining physically present. Stonewalling is done more by males than females and is a way to calm themselves down when feeling overwhelmed and flooded. The result on the other partner is escalating distress, much like a baby who is suddenly unable to interact with their mother in the Stillface Experiment:

    Let your partner know that you are overwhelmed and need a 20-minute break. Then, tell them that you will be back and happy to continue the discussion once you feel calmer. Doing this is a much more effective way than just shutting off or shutting out the other person. It also leads to both of you feeling more in control and less distressed.

    5. Find Out Their Primary and Secondary Love Languages

    People often express their love to others in the way they would most want, rather than showing their love in how their partner, child, parent, or sibling would wish them to.

    For example, many fathers will try to show their love to their children by working hard, making lots of money, and providing financial security and stability for their future. But, conversely, the child often wants to spend some time with their dad, play at the park, kick the football, or play video games together.

    The most confusing scenario to me is males, who tend to be more visual than females, sending explicit pictures of themselves to a female they are pursuing. I think they do this because they would like to receive a graphic image from the female. However, they assume that the women would want the same. It is considered a crime if you do this in public without prior consent and not through a phone.

    Meanwhile, females, usually more sentimental than males, may prefer some flowers or a lovely card with a thoughtful handwritten message. Still, men don’t understand this because it’s typically not something they would ever want to receive. Therefore they don’t see the point. Big mistake!

    Understanding the five love languages, written about by Gary Chapman in various books, becomes very handy.

    When trying to show someone that you care, the first step is to determine which love languages seem to mean the most to them. A questionnaire exists on the website http://www.5lovelanguages.com that you could ask the other person to complete if you are unsure what they value most and want to understand them better.

    The next step is to disregard what you would want from them and do what you think will make them the happiest, based on their love language preferences:

    Words of Affirmation:

    • DO: Give them compliments, encouraging words, written cards or letters
    • DON’T: Give them undue criticism or emotionally harsh words

    Quality Time:

    • DO: Give them your undivided attention, have one-on-one conversations without interruptions, do things together, take trips together, sit and talk.
    • DON’T: Spend too much time with friends or groups (even if it’s together), neglect them or have long gaps of time between catch-ups and check-ins.

    Gifts:

    • DO: Give gifts, give time, remember special occasions, give small tokens of appreciation or love — show that you have put in the effort or thought in choosing.
    • DON’T: Forget special events or anniversaries, or buy meaningless, generic or thoughtless gifts that show that you haven’t put in time or effort in choosing

    Acts of Service:

    • DO: Assist with chores, make a checklist together, tick something off their to-do list, fix something, ask “How can I help?” or “What can I do?”
    • DON’T: Overcommit to tasks that you won’t be able to complete, forget to follow through on something you have promised to do, fail to help.

    Physical Touch:

    • DO: Sit close, hug, touch
    • DON’T: Withhold affection or threaten to do so, neglect, physically hit or abuse

    By loving those we love in the way they want to be loved, there is a much higher chance that we will feel loved and appreciated, and our relationships will likely improve. Seeing that relationship warmth is the number one predictor of long-term health and happiness, making small changes in how we listen to, talk to, and care for others could go a long way to improving the overall quality of our lives.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • 7 Life Lessons That We Can Learn From Hollywood Movies

    7 Life Lessons That We Can Learn From Hollywood Movies

    I recently read a book titled ‘Writing Screenplays that Sell’ by Michael Hauge and was fascinated to see how psychologically informed screenwriters create engaging stories with meaningful plots and entertaining characters.

    Although Hollywood sometimes gets bad press for promoting materialistic and unrealistic goals for the audience, I do believe that we can learn some valuable life lessons from dissecting the common elements of screenplays that result in successful movies.

    Here are eight insights that I believe are important:

    #1 — Be the hero of your story

    Every movie has a hero that we identify with and develop empathy for. Screenwriters do this deliberately because we are likely to care more about the story and become involved in the movie if it focuses on one character and their perspective and challenges more than the other characters.

    In real life, the person whose perspective we can most tune into is ourselves, and we feel the emotional impact of our experiences whether we like it or not (even though many people try to tune these out). It, therefore, makes a lot of sense to ensure that we are the hero of our own life.

    Unless you believe in reincarnation, we only have one life. Once we become adults, no one else is entirely responsible for our life’s direction except for us. We are the screenwriters, directors and the main character in our story — unless we give that power up to somebody else. It is a scary thought but also a potentially liberating one.

    Although there are limitations to our abilities and dreams, and it is essential to have realistic expectations, I see too many people that put up roadblocks and barriers where they don’t need to be.

    So if we are free to do what we want with our lives and responsible for how they turn out, what do we want to do? Live the life that someone else expects of us or follow our dreams and hopefully achieve our goals.

    #2 — Challenge yourself if you would like to grow

    Screenwriters are taught that a movie should start slowly and build pace as the film progresses by increasing the magnitude and difficulty of challenges that the hero faces until the film’s climax. A resolution is then typically achieved, and all of the loose ends are tied up before the movie concludes with the hero being a much better person than they were at the beginning of the film. It is from overcoming bigger and bigger adversity throughout the film that the hero develops and grows. Without challenges or difficulties to master, this growth and character development would be impossible, and people would find the movie dull.

    In real life, I see a lot of clients who want a life free of challenges. They strive for a life of inner peace without stress or anxiety and believe that they can achieve this by consistently remaining in their comfort zone. So they do the same thing each day, don’t take any risks, and generally feel okay. A lot of them will tell you that something is missing, however.

    We need to push beyond what feels comfortable to grow, and with this comes a certain amount of stress and anxiety. However, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing and can be a good indication that you are sufficiently challenging yourself so long as you are not feeling overwhelmed. Just remember to start small with tasks that feel a little scary but are also achievable, and as you build up confidence, move on to more significant challenges. As long as the challenges are consistent with changes that you would like to bring about in your life, you will feel more energetic and alive than you ever could by remaining in your comfort zone, even if you fail.

    “The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.”

    Rainer Maria Rilke

    #3 — Conflict leads to more intense emotional experiences

    Screenwriters learn to create conflict in every scene where possible, usually by having two characters with different views and objectives. Conflict creates emotional involvement far more than general exposition ever could, leading to a more engaged audience.

    In real life, especially in relationships, this isn’t always a good thing. We might feel a more significant attraction or more intense emotional experience with someone who is opposed to us in what they want. I see it often when individuals who are anxiously attached (like being close to their partner and worry when they are apart) end up in relationships with avoidantly attached individuals (like their independence and feel trapped if they are too close). Each time it leads to an emotional rollercoaster ride, with lots of conflicts, big ups and downs, and greater emotional involvement. It keeps both parties occupied and interested but will do more harm than good in the end.

    Finding someone who wants the same things that we do may be less exciting initially but can also lead to greater satisfaction and well-being in the long run. Be aware of the emotional trap, and use your head and heart when determining if a relationship is suitable for you.

    #4 — Have clearly defined goals

    All heroes will have the primary goal or external motivation that they will pursue throughout the film. Screenwriters want the audience to cheer on the hero as they strive towards their dream. For example, it may be to escape from or kill the bad guy in a horror movie. In a heist movie, it may be to steal the money and get away with it. In a romantic comedy, it is to win the affection of the love interest. A coming of age story is to learn something, and in a sports movie, it is to win.

    In real life, it is essential to think of the big picture at times and ask yourself where you would like to be in 1, 2, 5, 10 and 20 years from now? How would you want to be spending your days? Whether owning a business, buying a house, getting married, having children or running a marathon, these external, observable goals help keep us motivated and focused on our destination or where we would like to see ourselves in the future. Once these goals have been achieved, you can tick them off the list. It then becomes vital to elicit and develop further plans to pursue.

    “Believe big. The size of your success is determined by the size of your belief. Think little goals and expect little achievements. Think big goals and win big success. Remember this too! Big ideas and big plans and often easier — certainly no more difficult — than small ideas and small plans.”

    David Schwartz

    #5 — Understand why you want to achieve these goals — clarify your values

    The movie may not explicitly state it, but a hero will still have an internal motivation or reason for pursuing a dream. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be worth overcoming all of the obstacles they face to achieve the movie’s end goal.

    Two people may want to buy a house or run a marathon, but their reasons for doing so could be completely different. For example, one home buyer may wish for security and a place to call home, whereas the other wants to make their parents and family proud of them (to gain love, approval or acceptance). Likewise, one marathon runner may decide to enter the race to become healthier and lose weight. In contrast, another may do it to spend more time with their friend or partner that loves running (for greater connection or intimacy).

    Values, unlike goals, can never be ticked off the list but are guiding principles that can either be followed or not from moment to moment. For example, if honesty is an essential value to you, you can be honest whenever you tell the truth and dishonest whenever you lie. By living honestly, you will be feeling more fulfilled, and by being dishonest, you will likely feel dissatisfied or guilty. So firstly, clarify which values are most important to you, and then set short, medium and long-term goals that are consistent with the guiding principles you choose.

    “To be truly rich, regardless of his fortune or lack of it, a man must live by his own values. If those values are not personally meaningful, then no amount of money gained can hide the emptiness of life without them.”

    John Paul Getty

    #6 — Have mentors that can help you to achieve your goals

    Screenwriters call these characters reflections, and they are there to help the hero learn and grow along with their journey towards their ultimate goal. This is Robin Williams to Matt Damon in ‘Good Will Hunting’, Mr Miyagi to Daniel-son in ‘The Karate Kid’, and Morgan Freeman in most movies (‘The Shawshank Redemption’, ‘Bruce Almighty’, ‘The Dark Knight’). Mentors usually don’t have a significant character arc because they are already evolved in areas where the hero wants to improve. However, they know what the right thing is and help guide the hero on their path.

    In real life, it is essential to have mentors or people that have done what you would like to do that you can turn to for help when you get stuck, have questions, or need advice. By seeking support through individuals who are more knowledgeable and experienced in the areas you are hoping to build skills, it is possible to learn from their insights and mistakes without repeating them yourself, leading to a more effective learning and growth process. Furthermore, if they can be honest and direct in their feedback of your strengths and weaknesses, they can also help you see the real you and guide you towards what is correct and genuine, even if you don’t exactly want to hear it. Mentors can be friends or relatives or can even be paid for or hired too. It is why people have psychologists, personal trainers and life coaches. It is also why I obtain regular external supervision to keep improving towards becoming the best psychologist that I can be.

    “The way for you to be happy and successful, to get more of the things you really want in life, is to study and emulate those who have already done what you want to do and achieved the results you want to achieve.”

    Brian Tracy

    #7 — It is our actions that define who we become

    In his book ‘Story’, Robert McKee, a famous screenwriter, says that the hero’s character is genuinely revealed not in the scenes when everything is relaxed and calm, but in their choices when the going gets tough. The greater the pressure, the more revealing the scene is of the hero’s essential nature. Notice it is not their intentions or things they may speak about doing earlier in the film, but what they do when it really counts.

    How will you react in the most significant moments in your life? With courage and persistence despite fear or challenge, or with avoidance, excuses or procrastination? With compassion, generosity and respect, or criticalness, selfishness and contempt? Will you talk about all of the great things you want to do or the things that you could have been, or focus on what you can still do and get out there and do it? It doesn’t just have to be big moments either.

    “Don’t wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great”

    Orison Swett Marden

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • 25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life

    25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life

    1. KAIZEN

    A Japanese term meaning “improvement”.

    I think of Kaizen as ‘continuous improvement’ or “continual change for the better, one small step at a time”, as this is how I first heard of the term.

    Many successful Japanese manufacturing companies in automobiles and technology have used this exact approach to obtain massive success over time.

    What could you achieve if you just focused on taking one small step in the right direction today and then another one every day after that?

    2. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE…

    Gandhi did not say, “Be the change you want to see in the world,” even though people attribute this quote to him. What he said was this:

    “We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.”

    Mahatma Gandhi

    3. BE HERE NOW

    If we are fully present in the moment and aware of what is going on both internally and externally, we choose what we decide to do.

    If you do not feel present, meditate, ground yourself, get outside, move and connect with your five senses in the moment and the world around you.

    “Awareness is all about restoring your freedom to choose what you want instead of what your past imposes on you.”

    Deepak Chopra

    4. CHOICES DEFINE YOUR LEGACY

    It is a lengthy process of choices becoming actions, actions becoming habits, and your habits informing your character and ultimate legacy. A Mr Wiseman first said a quote like this in 1856. It tells us that whatever we sow, we must later reap.

    Therefore, it is essential to engage in positive actions before what we do becomes habitual. Gambling, smoking and binge drinking all start as choices. But the more engrained something is, the harder it is to stop. If we choose to engage in healthy activities enough, they too can become automatic for us.

    “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

    Donald Hebb

    5. LIFE WASN’T MEANT TO BE EASY

    We often don’t appreciate things that fall into our lap, and we tend to value things much more when we put in some hard work to get them. Even people who build their own IKEA furniture think these items are worth more than those who do not.

    I know I’d be more proud of the $3 million I built up through hard work than the equivalent amount of money won through a lottery. How about you?

    “Anything in life worth having is worth working for.”

    Andrew Carnegie

    6. THE MAGIC HAPPENS OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE

    “Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”

    Brian Tracy

    So many people want a comfortable life and therefore stick to what feels safe. But, unfortunately, if you are not willing to feel uncomfortable, your life will only get smaller over time.

    When you first step out of your comfort zone, it will be scary; you will feel awkward and even feel unsafe. But is it really, or does it just feel threatening because it is new? If at this moment, you run back to what you are used to, you won’t grow. However, if you persist through the initial pain, it will only get more comfortable in time, and your comfort zone will continue to expand and grow.

    7. RETHINK WHAT IT MEANS TO BE FREE

    What does freedom mean to you?

    You are doing whatever your parents, school, bosses, or government wants you to do? UMM NO. That is called compliance.

    You are rebelling against everything and doing the exact opposite of what your parents, school, bosses and government tell you to do? STILL NO. That is called counterpliance. Your actions are still being defined by what others tell you to do. Plus, it doesn’t always work out too well for you.

    You are just living for the moment and indulging in all of your passions and pleasures whenever you want because YOLO, right? NOPE. Hedonism may feel great for a night but not for a lifetime. It can also have nasty side effects if you aren’t careful, including weight gain, disease, debt, dissatisfaction, and even death.

    True freedom must come from making the choice that is likely to be the best for you in the long term, even if it denies you that last alcoholic drink or dessert or the fun that happens after 2 am. You might want the added snooze time in the mornings, but If you can’t get yourself to do things that are difficult or painful in the short term but beneficial in the long run, you can never honestly be free in the future. As a former NAVY SEAL famously said:

    “Discipline equals freedom.”

    Jocko Willink

    8. GETTING STARTED IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST PART

    “The secret of getting ahead is getting started”

    Mark Twain

    In a book that I once read (the Willpower Instinct, I think), I came across a 10-minute rule that I found surprisingly helpful. If you are not sure if you are up for doing something, give it a go for 10 minutes, and if after 10 minutes you still don’t feel up to it, stop. I tried it a few times by going to the gym, and usually, once I get there and get into it, I’m fine, but my brain often tries to tell me that I am too tired before I go.

    The 10-minute strategy seems to work because it is much easier to get our brains to do something for 10 minutes than for a considerable chunk of time. It is because it requires much less energy when we are forecasting our capacity to do the task. In addition, human brains are cognitive misers, which means they are always trying to “help” by conserving energy. So if you want to get started or you feel tired, think small.

    9. THE FIRST DRAFT OF ANYTHING IS TRASH

    “Don’t get discouraged because there’s a lot of mechanical work to writing. There is, and you can’t get out of it. I rewrote the first part of A Farewell to Arms at least fifty times. You’ve got to work it over. The first draft of anything is shit. When you first start to write you get all the kick and the reader gets none, but after you learn to work it’s your object to convey everything to the reader so that he remembers it not as a story he had read but something that happened to himself.”

    Ernest Hemingway

    This quote is fantastic because people often think they need to produce a masterpiece the first time they try or do something. However, if one of the most famous authors of all time made horrible first drafts, why should we expect more on ours? The solution is to focus on the process, not the outcome, and produce a draft before editing, reviewing, or criticising what you have done.

    10. DON’T PUT THINGS OFF UNTIL LATER

    “If something takes less than 2 minutes to do, don’t write it down or add it to your to do list — do it now.”

    David Allen, Getting Things Done

    Most people have so much stuff to do at any time that it is challenging to ever get their to-do list down to zero. It causes anxiety and stress for many people. However, the key is to have an excellent system to manage everything that comes in so that you don’t have to keep worrying and thinking about everything you need to do. Getting things done (GTD) is one such system. And the two-minute rule from GTD says that small tasks should never go on your to-do list if you can get them done now. This rule alone means that my email inbox rarely has any unopened or unreplied emails.

    11. BE YOURSELF; EVERYONE ELSE IS TAKEN

    Some believe that Oscar Wilde first said this, but the fascinating quote investigator website said they could not find it in any of his writings. However, Keith Craft noted something similar in announcing that we all have a unique fingerprint, and we can, therefore, “leave a unique imprint that no one else can leave.”

    “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

    12. WE REGRET THE THINGS WE DON’T DO MORE THAN THE THINGS WE DO

    We tend to think about what we may lose if we take a risk when deciding the future. However, when reflecting on the past, we regret what we missed by not taking a chance. The question then becomes, do we:

    1. Play it safe, and not put ourselves out there because people may judge or criticise us for giving something a go and not succeeding? Or
    2. Criticise others for being brave enough to try something? Or
    3. Throw caution to the wind and give it our best shot, knowing that we will learn and grow more from mistakes and setbacks than we ever would have by sitting back and criticising others?

    “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

    Theodore Roosevelt

    13. FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!

    Susan Jeffers was my hero back when I read her top-selling self-help book. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t have to get rid of my fear before I tried to act courageously.

    The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris then further highlighted to me that the actions tend to come before the feeling of confidence, not the other way around.

    Fear was designed to keep us safe as a hunter-gatherer but holds us back more in modern-day life than it helps us sometimes. So instead, we need to assess the actual level of risk whenever we feel fear and go for it if the situation feels scary but is pretty safe. It could be horror movies, roller coaster rides, plane flights, or public speaking.

    “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

    Franklin Delano Roosevelt, inaugural address, 1932

    14. WYSIATI

    “What you see is all there is.”

    Daniel Kahneman

    How you are thinking and feeling in the moment is very much influenced by how you are thinking and feeling. If you feel on top of the world, you are likely to be feeling happy, thinking positively about yourself, others, the world and your future. Anything may feel possible. Then the next week, you have a setback or get sick, and you start to feel depressed and hopeless and think negatively about yourself, others, the world and your future. Of course, both can’t be true if they are only a week apart. It’s therefore essential to understand the power of WYSIATI.

    Don’t think too big picture if you feel flat and down, and try not to do your weekly shop when you’re too hungry. The choices you’ll make once you’ve picked up a bit and have eaten something are likely to be very different.

    15. MEMENTO MORI

    “Remember that you have to die.”

    Latin phrase

    In many cultures worldwide and throughout history, acknowledging our mortality through prayer, meditation, reflection, ceremony, or celebration is more common than in atheistic or modern-day Western life.

    The phrase memento mori helped people consider the transient nature of earthly life, our goods and our pursuits and enabled them to become humble and clarify what was important to them.

    16. THINGS FADE; ALTERNATIVES EXCLUDE

    Two things that are inevitable in life are:

    1. no matter what we do, time passes and things erode over time (also known as the second law of thermodynamics), and

    2. if we go down one path, we cannot go down another track simultaneously.

    “Decisions are difficult for many reasons, some reaching down into the very socket of our being. John Gardner, in his novel Grendel, tells of a wise man who sums up his meditations on life’s mysteries in two simple but terrible postulates: “Things fade: alternatives exclude.” […] Decision invariably involves renunciation: for every yes there must be a no, each decision eliminating or killing other options (the root of the word decide means “slay,” as in homicide or suicide).”

    Irvin Yalom (1991). Love’s executioner. p. 10. Penguin Books.

    17. PARKINSON’S LAW

    Have you ever wondered how you get way more work done on some days when you are super busy? Then on quiet days, you don’t have much work to do but struggle to get it all done. The reason for this is Parkinson’s law:

    “Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

    The Stock–Sanford corollary to Parkinson’s rule is better, in my opinion, and it is something I used a lot when studying at uni:

    “If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do.”

    If productivity is what you are going for, give yourself a closer deadline and someone to hold you accountable if you don’t meet it, and voila, productivity and efficiency improve!

    18. THE IMPORTANCE OF MEANING AND PURPOSE

    “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Nietzsche was a nihilist, which meant that he didn’t think the world had any meaning in it. Irvin Yalom said that even if the world is meaningless overall, it is still essential for us to find personally meaningful things individually or as a group. Viktor Frankl showed that in the concentration camps in WWII, those with some higher purpose beyond the camps were the ones who could manage to survive the horrible atrocities they faced every day.

    What’s personally meaningful to you? Where could you find purpose?

    19. DON’T LISTEN TO THE DOUBTERS

    “Impossibility is not a fact — it’s an opinion.”

    Muhammed Ali

    Think of anyone who has done something groundbreaking or is still trying to do something pioneering today — Henry Ford, Walt Disney, Steve Jobs, Barack Obama, Richard Branson, Elon Musk, Bill Gates. I wonder how many people told them to give up, grow up, stop being deluded, or think realistically? I’d say most of them.

    Just because someone hasn’t done something doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t do it. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had the massive amount of progression that we have had over the past 200 years.

    20. CLARIFY YOUR VALUES AND MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON THESE

    “(Some people spend) their lives doing work they detest to make money they don’t want to buy things they don’t need in order to impress people they dislike.”

    Emile Gauvreau

    Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your life has to be a certain way just because everyone else is doing something a certain way and telling you that you should too.

    By clarifying your values first and building your hierarchy, you can see if what you are currently doing is consistent with what is essential. If not, what changes could you make that you’d be willing to make to help you start heading in the right direction? The earlier you make these changes, or at least concrete plans to make them, the higher chance you will be happy with the path you are on.

    21. RELATIONSHIP WARMTH IS THE NUMBER ONE PREDICTOR OF LONG-TERM HEALTH AND HAPPINESS

    “Love people, use things. The opposite never works.”

    Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus, The Minimalists

    The minimalist movement has picked up in the last 20 years in response to most of us in the Western world having way too much stuff and realising that it doesn’t make us any happier. If anything, it causes us more stress. Clothing used to be a scarce and valuable thing. Now wardrobes and houses are overflowing, and storage facilities are popping up everywhere to help clear some space.

    What if we just bought fewer things and focused more on what matters: our connections with the important people in our lives. Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, found that in the end, close relationships are more critical to our health and happiness than anything else.

    22. OCCAM’S RAZOR

    “Given several possible explanations about something, the simplest one is probably right.”

    Is the dog above trying to read, or is it merely sniffing the book?

    Occam’s razor is why conspiracy theories are never likely to be true. Think about the moon landing, or 9/11, or the Illuminati, flat earth theories, or any other conspiracy out there. For the conspiracy plot to be accurate, so many added levels are needed. Even people keeping the scheme a secret for years without anyone turning themselves in or trying to make money out of it is unlikely. So it’s much simpler and more likely that there is no conspiracy.

    You can also apply Occam’s razor to losing weight, sleeping well, getting stronger, or improving any skill. Some people have complicated theories, but usually, the answer lies in relatively simple explanations. Doing too much or complicating things beyond what is necessary often backfires.

    Reduce things back to the bare essentials, and see what happens.

    23. LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS

    The law of diminishing returns says that each time we do something to receive a benefit, the benefit will be less and less.

    Let’s say you order this massive stack of pancakes in the picture above. The first pancake may taste amazing, and the pleasure received is a 9 out of 10. After that, each bite is likely to be slightly less enjoyable than the bite before. Finally, if you somehow managed to get through the whole stack, the last taste might only be a 1 out of 10 on the pleasure scale.

    However, a month later, your next pancake might reach 9 out of 10 on the pleasure scale again.

    The solution is to wait for long enough between doing the same thing twice so that you enjoy it just as much the next time.

    “Variety is the very spice of life, that gives it all its flavour.”

    William Cowper

    24. BE KIND

    “If you’re kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.”

    Mother Teresa

    If you know why you are doing something, try not to worry about what others think. People who do not understand why you are doing what you are doing will see it from their point of view.

    If they could only do what you are doing by getting something in return, they will assume you have the same intention. But being kind is a reward within itself. If you can give just for the sake of it, do it. You can thank me later.

    25. DESIGN YOUR OWN LIFE

    “When you grow up you tend to get told the world is the way it is and (you should) just live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family, have fun, save a little money. That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again”.

    Steve Jobs

    As far as I see the world, we only have one life to live. We can spend it doing what others expect of us, or we can spend it doing what is suitable for us. We can blame everyone else for how things turn out, or we can go our own way.

    Regardless of what you decide, time passes, and eventually, you will either feel that you made the most of what you had or accumulate regrets. I try to live my life in a way where I learn from my past mistakes, and make choices that I hopefully won’t regret in the future. What about you?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • Can Psychologists and Psychics Read Minds?

    Can Psychologists and Psychics Read Minds?

    When I tell people that I am a clinical psychologist, people often ask, “Are you reading my mind right now?”

    The fascinating thing about the question is that it isn’t what psychologists do.

    Sure, I can pick up on other people’s emotions much more than I could before I started clinical work. I’ve also become more skilled at reading people’s body language and tone of voice and what this might mean. These skills could help me be a better poker player, but not a psychic.

    Do people get a psychologist and a psychic confused?

    I want to hope not, but I’m also sure that I’ve never met another psychologist who has claimed to be a mind reader.

    Well, maybe some of my friends and I used to during our undergraduate studies, but we weren’t psychologists yet, and we weren’t psychics. Just using some silly tricks that we had read in the book ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss, an exposé on the pick-up-artist community. So when anyone asked us if we could read their minds, we would say one of two things:

    1. Think of a number between 1 and 10.

    Go ahead, think of it.

    It turns out that a surprisingly high number of people say 7. When people guessed this, and we got it right, they confirmed their beliefs that we were mind readers.

    2. Imagine you are driving along a road in the desert, and in the distance, you see a cube up ahead on the side of the road. What size is the cube (small, medium, big)? Is the cube opaque (see-through) or solid? What colour is the cube? Now imagine that there is a ladder near this cube. Where is it?

    With each response, an “hmm, interesting” was all we would say until the person answered all questions.

    We would then give generic, generally positive responses such as:

    • big cube = extraverted
    • opaque = open and easy to get to know
    • red = passionate
    • the ladder on top of cube = high achiever

    The funny thing was that people were generally pretty happy with their analysis and were sufficiently impressed with our mind-reading skills.

    The Problem With Horoscopes

    It often perplexes me how horoscopes in the newspaper apply to the 600 million+ people globally that have that star sign. But, of course, it’s also fascinating how many people read them each day and believe in what they say. But maybe that is typical of me as a Sagittarius to be a doubter and an unbeliever. Who knows.

    In my year 11 Psychology class, I remember a little experiment that our teacher did with us. To begin with, we were all described our personality based on our horoscope. I have programmed this article to figure out your character based on your horoscope to give you a sense of its accuracy. Let me know how accurate my description of you is from 0 = poor to 5 = excellent:

    1. You need other people to like and admire you.
    2. You tend to be critical of yourself.
    3. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage.
    4. While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them.
    5. Disciplined and self-controlled outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside.
    6. At times you have serious doubts about whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing.
    7. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations.
    8. You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others’ statements without satisfactory proof.
    9. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others.
    10. At times, you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while you are introverted, wary, and reserved at other times.
    11. Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic.
    12. Security is one of your primary goals in life.

    How accurate was my assessment?

    When we received this description in class, most of us rated it a 4 out of 5. However, it turns out that we were all given the same explanation regardless of our horoscope, and if you haven’t guessed it yet, I have done the same with you.

    These 12 items are all known as Barnum statements, which Psychologist Bertram Forer first used in his 1948 study to observe this phenomenon. He found that people tend to believe that general and mostly positive personality descriptions apply specifically to them without realising that they could also apply to many others.

    These findings have been duplicated several times since, with most results supporting the initial findings that these statements are about 85% accurate at describing an individual’s personality. Now commonly known as the Forer effect, it is one of the main reasons astrology, fortune-telling, some personality tests and other forms of supposed mind-reading are so popular and perceived as valid.

    Well, Then Explain To Me How..?

    Whenever I tell people that I doubt these things, most believers will come back to me with a testimony, either from their experiences or that of a family member or friend. They’ll tell me about a time when someone they saw could accurately know or predict something that they believe could not have been known in any other way.

    Just because I don’t believe in mind-reading or fortune-telling or communicating with spirits does not mean that I can know with 100% certainty that they do not exist. If anyone could prove their gifts scientifically, I would be genuinely amazed. I’d even be happy to utilise and recommend their services.

    Until I see much scientific proof, however, I recommend this. If a clairvoyant, fortune teller, medium, aura reader, or anyone else helps you feel better or gain more clarity on the path you would like to take going forward, then that is great. However, if they cause you to worry more about a horrible fate or not take control or action in your life, then that is not good. Especially if they are charging you a lot of money. If a psychologist is doing the same thing to you, this would be equally as bad.

    Tricks of the Trade

    It doesn’t matter what field it is. Some people are generally warm, intuitive and empathetic, and genuinely want to help the people that they see. Other people may have less altruistic intentions and motivations for doing what they do.

    I want people to be aware of the various tricks that certain people may use to convince others that they have the power to read people’s minds, communicate with spirits, or predict the future.

    In ‘The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading’, Ian Rowland lists 38 persuasion techniques (including Barnum statements). Known as elements, they are used to extract information from clients, convince them that they know something about their character, about the facts and events of their life, and about the future. Some of my favourites are:

    Elements to extract information:

    1. ‘Jargon Blitz’ with a ‘Veiled Question’: Explain the traditional meaning of a tarot card, “the five of swords indicates a struggle in the affairs of the heart”. Then make a statement about the client’s life, “I sense your personal goals are taking priority over romance at this time”. Follow this with, “is this making sense to you?” If it is, you’ve got a hit. If not, they give you more information about their lives without realising that you have asked them a question.
    2. ‘Vanishing Negative: State a negative question with ambiguous tone and phrasing, such as, “you don’t work with kids, do you?”. It can be a hit whether they agree or disagree, as the negative part of the question vanishes if they say they do work with kids — “yes, I thought so. A strong affinity with children is indicated….”

    Elements about character:

    1. ‘Rainbow Ruse’: Credit the client with both a personality trait and its opposite: “sometimes you are very outgoing and confident, even the life of the party when the mood strikes you, and yet there are other times when you can retreat into your shell, preferring to keep quiet or distance yourself from others.” It sounds perceptive but covers the whole scope of the personality trait.
    2. ‘Jacques Statement’: Depending on their stage of life, talk about the usual crises that tend to occur around their age. Rowland shares his one for someone in their mid-thirties to early forties: “if you are honest about it, you often get to wondering about what happened to all those dreams you had when you were younger, and all those wonderful ambitions you once held dear. I suspect that deep down, there is a part of you that sometimes wants to scrap everything, get out of the rut, and start again, but this time do things YOUR way.”

    Elements about facts and events:

    1. ‘Fuzzy Fact’: Ask them a factual statement that is quite likely to be accepted initially and leaves space to become something more specific with additional prompting. For example, you can relate it to geography (“I see a connection with Europe, possibly Britain, or it could be the warmer Mediterranean part”). Or medical (“the gentleman with me now is telling me about a problem around the chest area”). It could also be an event (“There’s an indication here of a career in progress or transition. This could be your career, or it could be someone else’s career that affects you”).
    2. ‘Good chance guesses’: Ask a question that has a higher chance of being accurate than the other person would think, such as “I see a house with the number 2” or “I see a blue car”. If they lived in a house with a #2 or owned a blue car once, it’s a hit. If not, it could be someone close to them or someone they knew, or even a neighbour, which makes it unlikely to be wrong.
    3. Trivia stat: Most people have a box of old photos around their house that haven’t been sorted, or medical supplies that are years out of date, or a key that is now redundant, or books associated with an old hobby or interest. Most people will have had a scar on their left knee, been involved in some childhood accident that included water, have an item of clothing in their wardrobe that they can no longer fit into, and tried to learn a musical instrument as a child that they later gave up. Of course, people are not likely to realise how common these traits’ are, so they are also good chance guesses.

    Elements about the future:

    1. ‘Pollyanna Pearls’: State that whatever has been difficult lately is likely to improve: “It’s been a bit of a bumpy ride romantically these last few years for you, but the next year or so will be a lot easier!”
    2. ‘Self-fulfilling Predictions’: When making predictions about mood or personality, these have the bonus of potentially becoming self-fulfilling: “You will begin to adopt a more confident and optimistic disposition. You will let go of old regrets and start being more compassionate to yourself and others. You will soon have a greater sense of connection and belonging with others!”
    3. ‘Unverifiable Predictions: These can never be verified either way, so no chance of them being wrong. Here is Rowland’s example again: “Someone you know will harbour a secret grudge against you. They will plan to put obstacles in your way, but you will overcome their plans without even realising it.”

    I’ve shared my ten favourite elements with you, but there are still another 28 in ‘The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading’. Check it out if you are interested in learning more about the persuasion techniques typically employed in the psychic industry.

    Conclusion

    Some people may be able to convince you that they can read your mind. But from my experience in life so far, I have never come across any substantial scientific evidence that suggests that this is the case.

    The truth is that to understand and help people, I have to rely on how they present in session with me and what they say to me and how they say it. Communication with their partner, family members, friends or other treating doctors can also help at times (if the client consents to this).

    If you see a psychologist, please do not assume that they can read your mind. If you’d like to speak about something, make sure that you say it. It is especially true if the session isn’t going how you want it to, if you are uncomfortable, or if the treatment isn’t as helpful as you’d like it to be.

    I do not doubt that a client could successfully withhold or deceive me if they wanted to. Still, all this would do is create a barrier in the therapeutic relationship that would then prevent me from being able to help them in the best way possible.

    Many people assume that others should know what they need and how to give it to them. But if both psychologists and psychics can’t even read your mind, then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to either. So the reality is that it is okay to ask for what you need and to teach others to support you in the ways that you find most helpful.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • How to Be Useful to Others, Get Rich, Like People, and Thrive in an Unknowable Future

    How to Be Useful to Others, Get Rich, Like People, and Thrive in an Unknowable Future

    Derek Sivers seems like a pretty cool guy. On his website, he calls himself a musician, producer, circus performer, entrepreneur, TED speaker, and book publisher. He started a company called CDBaby and made millions from this. He then gave the company to charity, resulting in millions of dollars subsequently being used to help up-and-coming musical artists who need some monetary support to try and realise their dreams.

    Sivers also reads a lot of non-fiction books that are focused on psychology, self-help and self-improvement. He has little reviews of these books on his website and gives them a score out of 10, which is great if you are in need of a recommendation of what to read.

    In 2016, Sivers tried to summarise all of the key points that he obtained from reading so many non-fiction books. These key points were put into “do this” directives for him as a personal guide to various aspects of life. The directives were first brought to the public’s attention in his episode of the hugely popular ‘Tim Ferriss Show’ podcast. Because of the demand for the remainder of these lists, they were shared on Derek’s website sivers.org. He also plans on doing more with these directives in the future, including potentially writing his own book.

    Below are his directives, as well as my opinion of them. Directives that I completely agree with will be in green. Directives that I disagree with or that go against scientific research will be in red.

    group hand fist bump

    How to be useful to others:

    Get famous

    • Do everything in public and for the public.
    • The more people you reach, the more useful you are.
    • The opposite is hiding, which is of no use to everyone.

    Get rich

    • Money is neutral proof you’re adding value to people’s lives.
    • So, by getting rich, you’re being useful as a side effect.
    • Once rich, spend the money in ways that are even more useful to others.
    • Then, getting rich is double useful.

    Share strong opinions

    • Strong opinions are very useful to others.
    • Those who were undecided or ambivalent can just adopt your stance.
    • But those who disagree can solidify their stance by arguing against yours.

    Be expensive

    • People given a placebo pill were twice as likely to have their pain disappear when told the pill was expensive.
    • People who paid more for tickets were more likely to attend the performance.
    • People who spend more for a product or service value it more, and get more use out of it.

    people taking group photo

    WHAT I THINK: While there are a lot of famous and rich people who are useful to other people, there are many others who are not. What is true is that if you are famous and rich, you have the potential to have more influence on others and do more positive things, such as Bill and Melinda Gates. You also have the potential to negatively influence more people too, such as Donald Trump. What you do with that power and exposure is up to you.

    You can also make a difference to others without being rich or famous. Don’t underestimate the difference you can make as a teacher or coach or parent or volunteer or community member or any other role where you interact with others on a regular basis. If you charge more, people will value your services more, you will earn more money and then have a greater chance to be useful to others.

    Do try to be informed before sharing your opinions publicly. Look at all the damage Jenny McCarthy did by sharing her opinions on vaccines and autism.

    achievement-bar-business-chart-40140.jpeg

    How to get rich:

    Live where luck strikes

    • Live where everything is happening.
    • Live where the money is flowing.
    • Live where careers are being made.
    • Live where your role models live.
    • Once there, be as in the game as anyone can be.
    • Be right in the middle of everything.

    Say yes to everything

    • Meet everyone.
    • Pursue every opportunity.
    • Nothing is too small. Do it all.
    • Like lottery tickets, you never know which one will win. So the more, the better.
    • Follow-up and keep in touch with everyone.

    Learn the multiplying skills

    • Speaking, writing, psychology, design, conversation, 2nd language, persuasion, programming, meditation/focus.
    • Not pursued on their own, they’re skills that multiply the success of your main pursuit (e.g., A pilot who’s also a great writer and public speaker; A chef with a mastery of psychology, persuasion and design).
    • These skills multiply the results of your efforts, and give you an edge over others in your field.

    Pursue market value, not personal value

    • Do what pays well.
    • Do not be the starving artist, working on things that have great personal value to you, but little market value.
    • Follow the money. It tells you where you’re most valuable.
    • Don’t try to make a career out of everything you love. For example, sex.

    Shamelessly imitate success

    • Imitate the best strategies of your competitors.
    • The market doesn’t care about your personal need to be unique.
    • It’s selfless and humble to use the best ideas regardless of source, to create the best service or product for your clients.
    • Get great at executing other people’s ideas as well as your own.

    Be the owner, not just the inventor

    • It’s tempting to try to be the ideas person, having someone else do the dirty work of making those ideas happen.
    • Ideas don’t make you rich. Great execution of ideas does.
    • A rule of capitalism: whoever takes the most financial risk gets the rewards.
    • The biggest rewards will always go to those that fund it and own it.
    • To get rich, be the owner. Own as close to 100% as possible.

    Benefit from human nature

    • Instead of complaining about the downside of human nature, find ways to benefit from it.
    • Instead of complaining about the rules, just learn the game, then play it.

    bitcoins and u s dollar bills

    WHAT I THINK: To get rich, it is important to know how humans think and act, and to find ways to benefit from this instead of wishing for things to be different. It is useful to see what has worked for others, to learn how to do things in this way first, and then to adapt the best things so that what you are doing is authentically yours. It is important to try to own the product or service you are trying to sell. If you don’t do this, your earning potential will always be capped and will generally always be less than your bosses.

    While it is true that people need to be willing to spend money in order to make money, it’s not just about taking financial risks. There are many broke people out there who have spent too much on bad ideas. Figure out how to test your ideas or products first to see how the market responds before investing too much in it, and don’t be afraid to make changes or start over again if a better opportunity presents itself. Ideally we aren’t just doing something for the money. If we love it, are good at it and it makes a lot, you will be much happier than doing something just because you know that it pays well.

    While it is true that we don’t know which opportunities will necessarily work out, we also can’t make much progress if we are saying yes to everyone and everything. Meet and connect with the right people who are not just out for themselves until you find a great idea. Then pursue this project for a set period until you know if it is likely to make you rich or not. If not, jump ship as soon as you realise it and keep brainstorming and connecting and saying yes until you find your next great idea. Once you have this, learning how to prioritise and say no may be even more important than always saying yes. Same with being in the middle of everything. It’s good until you know which path you want to go down. Once you know, distance from others can be just as good until an idea has been executed.

    The last bit of advice that isn’t here is don’t gamble or invest in get rich quick schemes. Use debit cards instead of credit cards. Don’t buy the most expensive insurance options. Do invest in index funds and other trustworthy stocks regularly and as early as you can and don’t change them around too much. Compounding interest will help you to gain a lot of money over time. But having heaps of money beyond what you need to meet your basic needs isn’t likely to make you a lot happier in the long run.

    flight technology tools astronaut

    How to thrive in an unknowable future:

    Prepare for the worst

    • Since you have no idea what the future may bring, be open to the best and the worst.
    • But the best case scenario doesn’t need your preparation or your attention.
    • So mentally and financially prepare for the worst case, instead.
    • Like insurance, don’t obsess on it. Just prepare, then carry on appreciating the good times.

    Expect disaster

    • Every biography of a successful person has that line, “And then, things took a turn for the worse.”
    • Fully expect that disaster to come to you at any time.
    • Completely assume it’s going to happen, and make your plans accordingly.
    • Not just money, but health, family, freedom. Expect it all to disappear.
    • Besides, you appreciate things more when you know this may be your last time seeing them.

    Own as little as possible

    • Depend on even less.
    • The less you own, the less you’re affected by disaster.

    Choose opportunity, not loyalty

    • Have no loyalty to location, corporation, or your past public statements.
    • Be an absolute opportunist, doing whatever is best for the future in the current situation, unbound by the past.
    • Have loyalty for only your most important human relationships.

    Choose the plan with the most options

    • The best plan is the one that lets you change your plans.
    • Example: renting a house is buying the option to move at any time without losing money in a changing market.

    Avoid planning

    • For maximum options, don’t plan at all.
    • Since you have no idea how the situation or your mood may change in the future, wait until the last moment to make each decision.

    aerial view of city with lights during night

    WHAT I THINK: It’s good to be creative, flexible, adaptable and open to change. These characteristics will become even more important in the future, because change is likely to continue to happen at an even faster and faster pace. People back in the 14th century kind of knew what to expect by the 15th century, but most people living now have no idea what life is likely to look like in the 22nd century. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t plan, and it definitely doesn’t mean that we should only plan for the worst. Life has continued to get better and better in so many ways, and it is likely to continue to get better in many ways too. It doesn’t mean it can’t get worse, but we shouldn’t all become doomsday preppers or not buy anything in case disaster strikes. Try to only buy the things you need that will help add value to your life.

    Especially if you have kids, stability is good, so don’t be afraid to set up roots. Buy a house, start a business where you live, and develop friendships with other people in your neighbourhood. Some people may leave, businesses may collapse, marriages may crumble, but research still indicates that people have more satisfied relationships if they get married than if they live together but don’t get married. Married men are also both happier and healthier than single men. Divorce negatively impacts kids, especially if there is a lot of conflict, and learning how to overcome difficulties is better than always avoiding things or running away as soon as things get tough or another seemingly desirable option presents itself. We always think the grass is greener on the other side, but when we get there it’s often not as shiny or as different as we first thought (or better than we’ve previously had).

    Essentially, having plans and making commitments is better than having none, as long as you are also open to making tweaks and even big changes if things really aren’t working out. Research indicates that having too many options makes it too hard to choose and not making a decision can be really stressful and both physically and emotionally draining. Research also indicates that we tend to become happier with our choices over time once we have made them, as long as we commit to our choices and don’t keep trying to doubt ourselves or leave all the other doors open too.

    four women standing on mountain

    How to like people:

    Assume it’s their last day

    • Everyone talks about living like it’s your last day on earth.
    • Instead, to appreciate someone, live like it’s their last day on earth.
    • Treat them accordingly. Try to fulfill their dreams for the day.
    • Really listen to them. Learn from them.

    Be who’d you’d be when alone

    • You could live in a crowd, pleasing only others.
    • You could live in solitude, pleasing only yourself.
    • But ideally, when in a crowd, be the same person you’d be when alone.

    Assume men and women are the same

    • Men think women are so different from them.
    • Women think men are so different from them.
    • But the differences among men and differences among women are far greater than the differences between men and women.
    • So, counteract your tendency to exaggerate the differences.

    Always make new friends

    • As you grow old and change, old friends and family will be unintentionally invested in maintaining you as you were before.
    • Let go of people that don’t welcome and encourage your change.

    Avoid harming the relationship

    • For long-term relationship success, it’s more effective than seeking the positive.
    • A friendship that may take years to develop can be ruined by a single action.

    Act calm and kind

    • Regardless of how you feel

    Don’t try to change them

    • unless they asked you to.
    • Don’t teach a lesson.
    • Stop trying to change people who don’t think they have a problem.

    Find wisdom in your opponents

    • Really engage with those who think opposite of you.
    • You already know the ideas common on your own side.

    Purge the vampires

    • Get rid of people that drain you, that don’t make you feel good about yourself.
    • They make you hate all people.

    men s white button up dress shirt

    WHAT I THINK: It is great to really try to appreciate others, and understanding that some people may die soon is a helpful way to ensure that we don’t take others for granted. The Tail End by Tim Urban is an awesome blog post that nicely highlights how little time we actually have left with the important people in our lives. We should try to make the most of our time with them while we still have it so we don’t regret it later.

    We can learn a lot from others if we ask them about their life and experiences and beliefs and really listen, even if they have different ways of looking at things to us. But we shouldn’t try to give advice or teach lessons to others unless someone has asked or agreed to it first (or they’re reading your blog post!).

    While it is good to minimise how much time we spend with people that drain us or make us feel bad or don’t accept us for who we are, it is also important to try and maintain our old friendships too. Having both old friends and family to keep us grounded and new friends to help us learn and grow is having the best of both worlds.

    Men and women are different in some ways, and it is important to understand how and why. Of course we should still see each other as individuals and not just a gender, but this is the same with people who come from a different culture, ethnicity, nationality, religion and any other group that is different to yours. If we can understand group norms, it can help us to understand others a little bit better, but we should also be willing to change our perceptions of others based on what they say and do, rather than hold onto rigid, unhelpful or even discriminatory stereotypes.

    While it’s not possible to always be 100% ourselves around others, the more authentic we can be the more we will feel energised around others and connected with them. Similarly, we shouldn’t always act calm if we really are upset or angry or worried and need to express our feelings or what we need. What we can do is express this in a way that is still kind and considerate so that you don’t unnecessarily burn any bridges.

    Thanks for reading! For more advice on a good life, feel free to check out some of my other articles, especially: Can We Develop Our Own Guide to Better Living?; 10 Bits of Advice I’d Give My 10-Year-Old Self; Ten Traits of Highly Successful People; 25 Ideas That Could Change Your Life.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • If You’re Not Sleeping Well, Your Sleep Hygiene Is Probably Not the Answer

    If You’re Not Sleeping Well, Your Sleep Hygiene Is Probably Not the Answer

    If you’ve ever experienced difficulty getting to sleep at night, you may have heard about the importance of ‘sleep hygiene.’ 

     Just like ‘dental hygiene’ is about recommendations that help you to look after the health of your teeth, sleep hygiene is about doing the right things to ensure a good night’s sleep.  

    The problem with sleep hygiene recommendations, though, is that everyone seems to have their unique list of the essential things you need to do to sleep well at night. 

    A 2003 review study attempted to define sleep hygiene recommendations and found 19 different rules across seven studies. 

    I don’t know about you, but if I am already worried about my sleep, following 19 different rules each night probably won’t be relaxing. The more stressed and tense I am, the lower my sleep quality could be, even if I practice good sleep hygiene. 

    For this reason, little evidence supports sleep hygiene as an effective strategy for significantly improving your sleep. 

    For example, someone may have bought an expensive bed and pillows, worn earplugs and eye masks, stayed away from caffeine, and slept poorly. However, another person might not do any of these things but feel confident about their ability to sleep, go to bed when they feel sleepy at night and sleep excellently. 

    How our brains work, particularly our fear circuit, can keep us up at night. All it takes is a few horrible nights of sleep where someone sees the negative consequences that not sleeping can have. They then begin to lose confidence in their natural ability to switch off and let sleep come once they are in bed. They then try to force themselves to sleep, sometimes well before their natural body clock is ready for sleep. 

    Once sleeping difficulties begin, a person’s brain is likely to perceive not sleeping well or enough as a threat. Our brain’s fear centre activates and triggers the fight-or-flight mechanism in response to the perceived threat. Changes occur in the brain and body to prepare the person to attack or run away from the danger. But if the threat is not sleeping, how helpful is the fight-or-flight response in helping that person drift off to sleep?

    Unfortunately, the fear of not sleeping well can become the very thing that prevents people from sleeping well. By feeling like you need to worry about 19 things every night in order to sleep well, this fear probably isn’t going to improve.

    Chronic insomnia is a big problem in our society, and sleep difficulties impact at least 30 percent of us. However, unless you are not prioritising sleep enough, making you worry more about the sleep you’re not getting enough of each night will not help you sleep any better.

    Instead of focusing on all the sleep hygiene tips, see if there is one or two things that you could try that you think could make a big difference for you. Let’s say that you are drinking five cups of coffee a day. Maybe it would be worth cutting it down a bit or having your last coffee before 2pm. If you are already not drinking much caffeine and only having it in the mornings, being more strict about it probably won’t be worth it. Instead, see if there is something else that could be more helpful, such as having a regular wake time each day, waiting until you feel sleepy before going to bed, or getting some morning sunlight exposure.

    By trying one or two things at a time, you are likely to be less overwhelmed. You are also going to be more likely to stick to any changes that you try, and then see if it makes any positive difference for you. If it doesn’t, switch your focus to something else that you think might help, try it for at least a week, and then review. If you keep doing it this, eventually you will learn what does and doesn’t work for you, and be able to turn to the most helpful strategies for you when you really need it.

    If you aren’t sleeping well and haven’t been for some time, it might be worth getting some expert help. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I) is the gold standard treatment for people with difficulties falling asleep, remaining asleep, and not feeling refreshed during the day. A lot of research has shown that it can help people improve in as little as two sessions of treatment, and improvements are often maintained one year later. Sleeping pills can sometimes help in the short term, but your insomnia is likely to come back as soon as you stop taking them, and they’re not recommended on a long-term basis. 

    If you can’t find a sleep physician or psychologist trained in CBT-I, there are also some good online CBT-I courses that can teach you all the skills you need. If that doesn’t help, please check out my latest book, Deliberately Better Sleep. It will help you set up your own sleep experiment tailored to you as an individual and assess how much difference it makes for you. Most importantly, it will help you regain confidence in your sleep so that if you ever have a poor night’s sleep, you will understand why and what you can do about it.


    Dr Damon Ashworth, Clinical Psychologist and Author of Deliberately Better Sleep.

  • What’s a Better Life Goal than Happiness?

    What’s a Better Life Goal than Happiness?

    When I type ‘Happiness books’ into Amazon.com, over 60,000 results appear.

    Happiness is clearly a popular topic. However, when I hear people say to me in therapy that they “just want to be happy”, I find it hard to write this down as a goal for them to achieve in therapy.

    The problem with striving for happiness is that it is simply one of many emotions. Sometimes we can feel happiness or joy, and other times we can feel sad, angry, jealous, disgusted, guilty, surprised, anxious, or many other things. Not only is it okay if we feel these things at times, but it is normal and healthy.

    To say that we only want to feel happy is unrealistic and unhealthy. The movie ‘Inside Out’ taught this message that it is essential to allow ourselves to feel whatever we do at the moment, whether it is sadness, fear, disgust or anger. To live our lives to the fullest, we need to make room for our emotions instead of changing them or pushing them away.

    So if feeling happy all the time is not the healthiest goal to aim at, what is?

    Life satisfaction?

    Life satisfaction (Diener, Emmons, Larsen & Griffen, 1985) has been widely measured worldwide. People from different cities and countries have even had their life satisfaction scores compared to each other.

    To determine your life satisfaction, simply ask yourself how satisfied you are with your life currently from 0 to 10, where 10 is the best life you could imagine, and 0 is the worst.

    Finland has the highest life satisfaction in the latest World Happiness Report findings. But how do we know if one person’s 8 out of 10 is the same as someone’s from another city or country? For example, both Uzbekistan and Somalia have cities that are the two most hopeful in the world regarding their expected life satisfaction in the future. However, neither country has any cities in the top 20 for their current life satisfaction.

    Is it better to be satisfied now but expect that things will worsen in the future, or not be fully satisfied now, but hope that things will continue to improve?

    High positive affect and low negative affect?

    The positive and negative affect scale (PANAS; Watson, Clark & Tellegen, 1988) has also been widely used to assess how strongly people tend to experience positive and negative emotions. Including ten positive and ten negative emotions represents what people feel more than just focusing on happiness, but it can still be hard to determine the ideal.

    Asuncion in Paraguay has the highest levels of positive emotion, and Taipei in Taiwan has the lowest negative emotions. Still, neither country has a city in the top ten globally for both.

    ‘Inside Out’ and I believe it is better to fully experience all emotions rather than not experience feelings at all. But it may be different depending on the culture that you live in. Should negative emotions even be considered “negative” if all feelings have a purpose or function?

    Psychological well-being?

    Ryff’s (1989) model of psychological well-being proposed additional aspects of life as crucial to well-being rather than just emotions or life satisfaction. She included self-acceptance, positive relations, autonomy, environmental mastery, purpose in life, and personal growth. Now, these seem like good things to measure if you want to see if someone is psychologically healthy.

    Seligman also formulated his PERMA model of well-being. He said that we needed five main things in our lives to thrive or flourish. He detailed these five things in his 2012 book ‘Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being’. They were p = positive emotions, e = engagement, r = (positive) relationships, m = meaning, and a = achievement.

    Self-determination?

    Ryan and Deci (2000) came up with self-determination theory (SDT) over twenty years ago. The researchers derived three core needs that they said each human must-have for optimal functioning. They are needs for competence, relatedness and autonomy. Competence covers environmental mastery and personal growth from Ryff’s model and achievement from Seligman’s, and autonomy is in Ryff’s model too. Relatedness and positive relations with others and positive relationships are all similar. However, SDT doesn’t adequately account for self-acceptance, positive emotions, engagement, purpose in life and meaning.

    Curiosity?

    Kashdan and colleagues (2009; 2017) defined curiosity as “the recognition, pursuit and intense desire to explore novel, challenging and uncertain events“. There are five dimensions of curiosity, including joyous exploration, deprivation sensitivity, stress tolerance, social curiosity and thrill-seeking.

    These aspects definitely consider positive emotions, engagement and achievement from Seligman’s well-being model, but less so positive relationships and meaning. Unless social curiosity leads to positive relationships and meaning can be found in trying new things and being curious about everything you encounter?

    A Good Life?

    The Good Lives Model is a strengths-based approach to rehabilitating offenders. Ward and colleagues (2004) first proposed nine classes of primary goods, which have since been extended to 11 because of further research by Purvis (2010).

    The 11 classes of primary goods are life, knowledge, excellence in play, work, agency, inner peace, relatedness, community, spirituality, pleasure, and creativity. If people do not have much of a primary good in their life, approach goals are set to help them achieve more of this good. It can then reduce the person’s risk of reoffending or committing another crime.

    Self-actualisation?

    Maslow put self-actualisation at the top of his hierarchy of needs. But, according to Scott Barry Kaufman in his excellent book, ‘Transcend: The new science of self-actualisation’, Maslow never intended his hierarchy to be a pyramid of needs, as most people think of when they hear Maslow’s name.

    Maslow thought human maturation was an ongoing growth process towards the transcendent experience of being “fully human“. You don’t tick off an area and never think about it again. Instead, over time, you become less concerned with the security needs of safety, connection and self-esteem and more interested in growing and exploring, loving and finding purpose.

    The more self-actualised one becomes, the more they understand themselves and their identity. People who have become self-actualised can utilise who they are and their strengths to best help others and the world.

    Kaufman has since developed the characteristics of self-actualisation scale (CSAS). In it, there are ten elements of self-actualisation that are assessed. To see how self-actualised you are in each area, say whether you strongly disagree with each statement (1 point), disagree (2 points), are neutral (3 points), agree (4 points), or strongly agree (5 points). Then add up your total for each element, or complete the test here.

    1. Purpose

    “I feel a great responsibility and duty to accomplish a particular mission in life.”

    “I have a purpose in life that will help the good of humankind.”

    “I feel as though I have some important task to fulfil in this lifetime.”

    2. Humanitarianism

    “I feel a deep sense of identification with all human beings.”

    “I feel a great deal of sympathy and affection for all human beings.”

    “I have a genuine desire to help the human race.”

    3. Equanimity

    “I tend to take life’s inevitable ups and downs with grace, acceptance, and equanimity.”

    “I am relatively stable in the face of hard knocks, blows, deprivations, and frustrations.”

    “I am often undisturbed and unruffled by things that seem to bother most people.”

    4. Continued freshness of appreciation

    “I can appreciate again and again, freshly and naively, the basic goods of life, with awe, pleasure, wonder and even ecstasy, however stale these experiences may have become to others.”

    “I often feel gratitude for the good in my life no matter how many times I encounter it.”

    “A sunset looks just as beautiful every time I see one.”

    5. Peak experiences

    “I often have experiences in which I feel new horizons and possibilities opening up for myself and others.”

    “I often have experiences in which I feel one with all people and things on this planet.”

    “I often have experiences in which I feel a profound transcendence of my selfish concerns.”

    6. Creative spirit

    “I bring a generally creative attitude to all of my work.”

    “I have a generally creative spirit that touches everything I do.”

    “I am often in touch with my childlike spontaneity.”

    7. Authenticity

    “I can maintain my dignity and integrity even in environments and situations that are undignified.”

    “I can stay true to my core values even in environments that challenge them.”

    “I take responsibility for my actions.”

    8. Good moral intuition

    “I have a strong sense of right and wrong in my daily life.”

    “I trust my moral decisions without having to deliberate too much about them.”

    “I can tell deep down right away when I’ve done something wrong.”

    9. Acceptance

    “I accept all sides of myself, including my shortcomings.”

    “I accept all of my quirks and desires without shame or apology.”

    “I have unconditional acceptance of people and their unique quirks and desires.”

    10. Truth-seeking or efficient perception of reality

    “I try to get as close as I can to the reality of the world.”

    “I am always trying to get at the real truth about people and nature.”

    “I often have a clear perception of reality.”

    Once you have scored up the totals for all of your elements, you can see which ones are strengths or weaknesses for you. For example, authenticity was my top score, with peak experiences being my lowest.

    Conclusion

    Self-actualisation is not precisely the same as psychological well-being or curiosity, but it seems to include elements from both.

    Being more curious, psychologically healthy or having optimal psychological well-being are all worthwhile goals in therapy. They are also better to aim for than wanting to “just feel happy”.

    Striving for self-actualisation is also another worthy target to aim for in therapy.

    Self-actualisation is associated with emotional stability, goal attainment, constructive thinking, authenticity, and meaning in life. It can reduce disruptive impulsivity. Self-actualisation can also increase life satisfaction, curiosity, positive relationships, personal growth, and environmental mastery. Higher self-actualisation scores can also improve work performance, work satisfaction, skill development, creativity and humour ability. Lastly, it can increase one’s feelings of connectedness with the world.

    Interestingly, self-actualisation is not correlated with age, education, ethnicity, gender, childhood income or school performance. So while many variables, including one’s environment, can impact a person, it does not look like it has to stop them from becoming more self-actualised.

    Exactly how to reach self-actualisation isn’t fully known, but practising Mindfulness Meditation or Loving-Kindness Meditation daily could help. You could write a gratitude letter to thank someone you really care about. Or write down three things that either went well or you appreciated or felt grateful for each day. Or try to look for opportunities to help others, volunteer your skills or time, be curious about others or the world, or engage in a random act of kindness.

    Different fields, including mindfulness and positive psychology, are looking into ways to help build psychological health and optimal well-being. Many of these strategies and practices are also likely to help people become more self-actualised.

    Now that there is a modern instrument for measuring self-actualisation and its ten components, it will be possible to also create interventions that directly aim to improve these areas over time.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist




  • What Are the Secrets to Living Longer?

    What Are the Secrets to Living Longer?

    During my summer holidays, I read an interesting book called The Blue Zones: 9 lessons for living longer from the people who’ve lived the longest by Dan Buettner.

    Buettner travelled to five geographical areas around the world where people lived healthy lives for the longest time. These five areas included Sardinia in Italy, Okinawa in Japan, Nicoya in Costa Rica, and the seventh-day adventist (SDA) population in Loma Linda, California.

    Throughout the book, Buettner identified several essential lifestyle habits that could explain some of their excellent health and longevity outcomes. This included things such as how people connect, how they move, how they eat, and the outlook on life that they have. Let’s break down each of these habits in more detail:

    1. Prioritise the connections that you have with others.

    A deep sense of belonging does seem to be especially important to people that reach 100 in the blue zones. Over 98% of those identified and interviewed said they were active participants in a faith-based community.

    The denomination you are a part of doesn’t seem to matter much. However, certain faiths, such as SDA, recommend that their believers adopt a healthy lifestyle.

    Attending religious services once a week can add four to fourteen years to your life. Of course, belonging is still possible without religion. Still, achieving the same level of community, regular gatherings, and belonging in non-faith-based groups can be tricky.

    Being active in social circles that support healthy living is also really important. Smoking, loneliness, inactivity, unhealthy eating and weight gain are more likely if a number of your friends are also going through this.

    Fortunately, happiness, connectedness and movement can also be contagious if your friends live in specific ways and you associate with them regularly. Therefore, the people closest to you can impact your long-term health and happiness, whether you want them to or not.

    Finally, people that live to 100 all tend to put their families first and have strong relationships with their partners, children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren. By prioritising a close and connected relationship with your children and grandchildren, they are more likely to care for you once you are older and need their love and support. In addition, living with younger generations makes the children less likely to be sick or die young.

    You can live, on average, three years longer by having a life partner. It can significantly benefit males, who are more likely to become isolated or engage in healthy behaviours such as a poor diet or substance abuse issues. For females, having a life partner can also be helpful if you have a good-quality relationship. However, single women do better than those in long-term relationships with abusive or controlling partners.

    Photo by Jan Krnc on Pexels.com

    2. Move regularly as part of your daily life.

    Most people that live to 100 in the blue zones are not regular gym goers or marathon runners. Instead, they make moving, particularly walking, a normal part of their daily life. It may be their work on their farms and gardens, or visiting friends and families. However, regular movement does seem to help people stay healthier for longer.

    Photo by Dana Tentis on Pexels.com

    3. Eat lots of plants in your diet.

    Beans, soy, lentils and vegetables are crucial elements of the diets of people that live to 100 in the blue zones. They don’t tend to go on strict or regimented diets but don’t eat much processed or junk food either. They usually only eat small amounts of meat about once a week.

    People living to 100 in the blue zones don’t tend to overeat too much and maintain a healthy weight. One way they do this is by aiming to eat until they are about 80% full rather than 100%. This can be the difference between gaining or maintaining weight over time.

    Finally, an occasional red wine doesn’t prevent someone from reaching 100. On the contrary, it can lead to more longevity for people than those who abstain entirely. If you ever do drink alcohol, aim for no more than one or two glasses at a time, and try to do this only at times when you are socialising with friends or family if you want to so that you also get the benefits of connection and belonging.

    Photo by Om Thakkar on Pexels.com

    4. Find and strengthen your sense of purpose, even after you have retired.

    Those who lived the longest continued to feel that they had meaning and purpose in their everyday lives. The Japanese call it their “ikigai”, and the Costa Ricans call it their “plan de vida”. It gave the people in each country a good sense of their main reasons for waking up each day.

    Knowing what feels meaningful to you or gives you purpose can add up to seven years of life expectancy.

    Finally, people who lived to 100 in blue zones knew how to downshift, relax, and process their stress whenever it was building up for them. Conversely, people who do not learn how to effectively manage or reduce their stress when it arises are much more likely to experience more inflammation and chronic diseases over time.

    Some of the strategies those in the blue zone use are:

    • Taking a few moments each day to remember their ancestors and be grateful for what they have done
    • Praying to God daily for the things that they are thankful for and the things they hope for
    • Taking daily naps
    • Trying to stop working by a specific time each day and socialise and connect with friends and family over food or a drink.
    • Spending time out in nature

    Some of the secrets of longer living in the blue zones are probably genetically based. However, not all of it is. Therefore, adopting some of the above tips and strategies could add a decade or so of good years to your life.

    Are there any changes you could make that wouldn’t be too challenging for you to make? If so, would there be any downsides to doing this? Conversely, what could be the potential benefits?

    No matter your age, there is still time left to make some of the changes that you would like to in your life. If you do, I’d love to hear about how it goes.

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist

  • How Does It Feel to Have Your To-Do List at Zero?

    How Does It Feel to Have Your To-Do List at Zero?

    It’s quite strange. Yesterday, I managed to finish off the last thing on my to-do list for the week. For the first time in a long time, I had nothing that I had to do. Sure, there are some things that I would like to do in the future. However, nothing required me to take any steps towards them until Friday next week. This is definitely the first time that this has been the case in 2021. I’m not even sure if I reached this point at all in 2020.

    I feel lighter to have all of these items gone. They are no longer hanging over my head or telling me that I shouldn’t be relaxing when I am. But I also feel a bit lost. Today, I have already done my morning meditation, journaling, Elevate brain training and Duolingo French language training. I then did my daily weight training, hips and balance exercises, and went outside and walked 10,000 steps. I shopped for the food I needed at the local supermarket, meal prepped for the next few days, and cleaned up my place.

    I then tried to relax and watch some TV and a movie, but both of these activities already felt boring. One of my friend’s said that he had clocked Netflix because of this pandemic. I haven’t, but the returns of these activities are definitely diminishing.

    My brain told me that I would feel amazing, no longer having anything that I needed to do. But I do not. So now, having just eaten half a salad and a tasty Magnum ice cream, I find myself here at the computer putting down my thoughts into words.

    Goals vs Values

    blue sea under blue sky
    Photo by Riccardo Bertolo on Pexels.com

    Exactly how I feel now is why I tell my clients not just to live their lives by their goals. Sure, having things to aim for is great. So is hitting these targets and crossing these items off our to-do lists. It gives us a nice little surge of dopamine and fires up the reward pathways in our brain when we achieve something. And our brains feel good for a temporary moment until we start searching for the next target to hit.

    But it is never-ending and generally always future-focused. We think, once I have achieved this, then I will be happy. But then we meet this goal, and our brain says, “great… what’s next?” We begin looking again to the future for the imaginary thing that will make us happy and satisfied forever once we achieve it.

    Unfortunately, the long-term rewards of this future goal are mostly a mirage. Our brains telling us that it will satisfy us forever helps us not give up pursuing the goal. However, once we have achieved it, the reward is fleeting and less satisfying than we imagined beforehand. This is because dopamine is more about desire than reward.

    Imagine if we were forever satisfied after achieving a goal. I doubt that our ancestors would have lasted long enough to reproduce. A slightly unsatisfied person, always craving for more and an ideal future that never comes. Those humans are the ones that will keep moving, growing, meeting and breeding. And now, here we are…

    Enjoying the Process vs Desiring a Future Outcome

    photo of mountain under cloudy sky
    Photo by Evgeny Tchebotarev on Pexels.com

    As I have already said, a goal is set for the future. You want to lose weight, buy a house, run a marathon, or climb Mount Everest. As an extension of this, you are saying that you lack something in the present when you set a goal. You are heavier than you want to be. You don’t have the house that you want to be in. You haven’t run the marathon this year, and you are yet to climb the tallest mountain in the world.

    Values are different to goals. Values are followed in the present. They are guiding principles for life. You are either living by them at the moment, or you are not.

    By clarifying why you want to achieve your specific goals, you can determine if you are living by these values in the present or not. Let’s take the first example. You might want to lose weight because you value looking attractive, but I want to lose weight because I value being healthy. I have lost weight through not eating much, not exercising and taking diet pills. The goal has been achieved, and if it was you, you might even live by your values. But I am not. Deep down, I would know that I am not healthy, and even if I have lost some weight, I would feel inconsistent rather than consistent with what is most important to me.

    You might want to climb Mount Everest because your husband is too and you value doing things together, whereas I am training for it because I value pushing myself to reach my potential. We both head off on the expedition, and we can’t climb beyond base camp because our guide says that the weather is too bad for the next few weeks. Because I am unable to live by my value, I feel disappointed and unhappy. Because you are still consistent with yours, you are happy and don’t mind getting to enjoy your downtime in Nepal with the love of your life.

    What Do You Want Your Legacy to Be?

    This question needs to be asked more often, in my opinion. I’m not too sure how many people could answer this clearly and succinctly. But if we aren’t clear on what principles or values are most important to us, how are we meant to decide if we are on the right path or not? How will we know if what we are doing is time well spent or just a waste of time?

    Epitaph On Your Gravestone
    monochrome photo of man walking in cemetery
    Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

    Imagine that you have lived your whole life and have recently died. Someone really close to you has decided to bury you, and they are deciding what will be written on your gravestone. What would you want them to write?

    If you aren’t sure what you would want your legacy to be about, this question can often help. Even though I would prefer to be cremated instead of buried, the main thought that pops into my head when I think of this exercise is:

    “Here lies Damon…He tried his best”

    Maybe that is cliched or lame, but it highlights that a core value in my life is around effort. I care much less about how much I manage to achieve in my life. I want to know that I gave things a proper go and put in the effort required. That I focused on the process of what I am doing, which is within my control, rather than the outcome, which is often outside of it.

    Your 80th Birthday Party

    If thinking about after your own death is too morbid an exercise for you, this thought experiment may be more appealing. Imagine that it is your 80th birthday party, and all of your closest family and friend’s are there to celebrate the life you have had so far. Someone close to you stands up and tells everyone in the crowd about the person you have been from now until your 80th birthday. What would you want to hear them say about you? I’d love to hear my partner’s daughter stand up and say:

    “Even though I wasn’t convinced about Damon initially, he’s turned out to be a pretty cool role model as a father figure for me. He’s consistently been there for me and tried his best to be emotionally supportive and understand me and what I was going through. Damon’s always wanted the best for me in life, and I could feel this. But he also didn’t care if I won things or where I came as long as I was willing to try and give new things a go. Damon was always willing to do things for me and be there when I needed him to help or listen. But he also didn’t do things for me if he knew that it would be better for me to give something a go and learn how to do it myself. Damon encouraged me to explore the world and not be held back by fear. He also offered a safe space with mum to come back to when I needed comfort, care and support. I’m glad that Damon came into my life, and I am happy about the person I am today partly because of the role that he has played. Above all, I feel loved for who I am by Damon, no matter what, and that is a pretty cool thing to have. So thank you, and happy 80th birthday!”

    Your answer to this question should help you clarify what values are most important to you or what you would like your legacy to be about. Based on the above passage, I want to be a good role model as a father, present, supportive, understanding, encouraging, helpful, loving and unconditional. Many people think of their legacy in terms of work, but is that really what you value most in this life?

    Are You Travelling in the Right Direction?

    green mountain
    Photo by Quang Nguyen Vinh on Pexels.com

    In her excellent post and subsequent book, Bronnie Ware shared her top five regrets of people who were dying. Having worked as a palliative care nurse for several years, Bronnie identified them as:

    1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
    2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
    3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
    4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
    5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

    This list highlights that my life was imbalanced before I had my stroke in January. Because of the COVID-19 pandemic, I was separated from my partner and her daughter back in Vanuatu on March 20th, 2020. I could not see any of my friends or colleagues back there and did not say a proper goodbye to them. Thanks to the months of lockdowns in Melbourne, I could not do many things I enjoyed or see my friends and family here in Australia that I wanted to either. I was working too much for too long each day, spending too much time on my phone and watching TV, and wasn’t eating as healthily or being as active as I wanted to be.

    What about you?

    How Much of the Day Are You Spending in the Way that You Want?

    For this exercise, draw a pie chart of what a typical workday looks like for you and another pie chart for what a typical day off looks like. It doesn’t matter what time you go to bed or get out of bed or start and finish work, because the whole pie represents 24 hours.

    When you are drawing your two pie charts, think about:

    • How much time are you just in the moment vs trying to do things for a better future?
    • How much are you socialising and connecting with others, including family and friends?
    • How much time are you spending inside vs outside in nature?
    • How much are you dedicating towards being physically fit or exercising?
    • How much time are you resting, sleeping and relaxing?
    • How much are you dedicating towards doing creative or fun vs passive hobbies?
    • How much time are you working and doing tasks related to work?

    Above is an example pie chart that I drew up in less than five minutes, so it really doesn’t have to take a long time. For some people, their workdays and non-workdays are very similar. For others, their weekend’s are spent very differently. There are no right or wrong answers. The key is to draw down what is typical for you.

    Now that these pie charts have been drawn up, reflect and ask yourself:

    • Are there things that you would like to do more of?
    • Are there things that you would like to do less of?
    • What’s making it hard or stopping you from making these changes?

    Once you have identified what you want to change and why the most important thing is getting out there and starting. Behavioural change is hard, especially at the start. But as Zig Ziglar says, “no one just walks around and finds themselves atop Mount Everest“. If you try something new and get stuck, my next blog post will give you a few tips and tricks to overcome these barriers.

    The best thing about living by our values instead of just chasing after goals is that this can happen at any chosen moment. It doesn’t have to be New Years Day, and it doesn’t have to take a long time. I want to be more creative and present and connect more with those I care most about starting now. I don’t want work, focusing on the future or distractions on my phone or TV to get in the way.

    What about you?

    Dr Damon Ashworth

    Clinical Psychologist